The five types of goalie-for-goalie trades

The Maple Leafs traded Jonathan Bernier to the Ducks last week. Toronto moving on from Bernier wasn’t a surprise, but the timing and destination was odd, coming just days after the Leafs and Ducks had hooked up on the Frederik Andersen deal. That’s led to speculation that Bernier was part of the original trade all along, but remained on the Leafs roster long enough for MLSE to pay his signing bonus on July 1.

If so, that would kind of make Bernier-for-Andersen the latest in a long line of goalie-for-goalie trades, albeit it one with some valuable draft picks heading Anaheim’s way. The NHL has a deep history of this sort of deal, and that makes sense; there are only so many goaltenders out there, so it’s understandable that a team trading one away would want to acquire one in return. And as it turns out, those goalie-for-goalie trades often end up falling into some familiar categories.

Today, let’s look back at some of those moves. Note that we’re not looking for trades that simply featured goalies on either side, which will come as a relief to Habs fans dreading another rehashing of the Patrick Roy trade. Instead, we’ll focus on trades in which the goaltenders were either traded for each other straight up, or at least were clearly the primary pieces in the deal.

Here are some of history’s best goalie-for-goalie trades, and the categories they fell into.

The category: The change-of-scenery trade that comes back to haunt one of the teams.

Recent example: Five years ago, the Avalanche and Senators hooked up on a trade that saw Ottawa acquire Craig Anderson in exchange for Brian Elliott. Anderson was just one year removed from a great season, but was struggling badly and seemed headed to unrestricted free agency. So the Avs flipped him for Elliott, who’d yet to impress in limited duty as Ottawa’s starter.

The deal worked out wonderfully for the Senators; Anderson regained his form, signed a new contract, and is still the team’s starter to this day. The Avalanche didn’t fare quite as well; Elliott didn’t do much in Colorado, and was allowed to hit free agency that summer. He signed with the Blues, won the Jennings the very next year, and has been one of the league’s most dependable goaltenders ever since.

(A near-miss in this category: The Capitals trading Michal Neuvirth for Jaroslav Halak in 2014, then almost seeing Neuvirth lead the Flyers to a miracle comeback against them in this year’s playoffs.)

Other examples: Sometimes, a team has no choice but to move on from a goaltender. That was the case in 1988, when Edmonton goalie Andy Moog held out from the team all season. The Oilers finally moved him at the deadline, sending the veteran to Boston for youngster Bill Ranford.

Months later, the two teams faced each other in the Stanley Cup final, with Moog seeing part-time duty while Ranford watched from the bench in an Oilers win. Two years later the teams met again, and this time it was Ranford and Moog going head-to-head. Ranford won the matchup and the Conn Smythe, avenging what he’d seen as poor treatment at the hands of the Bruins.

The lesson: If you’re going to make a goalie-for-goalie trade, make sure it’s with a team that isn’t going to show up in the Cup final any time soon. So, good work there, Ducks.

>> Read the full post at The Hockey News

Johansen for Jones, and the lost art of the one-for-one trade

On Wednesday, the Blue Jackets traded Ryan Johansen to the Predators for Seth Jones. The move was remarkable in a few different ways. For one, it was a trade – apparently, we still have those – and a blockbuster at that. It was also a good old-fashioned hockey deal, one inspired not by the salary cap or a trade demand or a tanking team's desire to bottom out, but two GMs simply getting together and betting that they could make their teams better by swapping assets.

But there was another unusual element of the move: It was a one-for-one trade. And it turns out that those are fairly rare creatures in the NHL.

I know this, because I thought "Hey, I should write a post about some of the great one-for-one deals in NHL history", and then found out that there weren't anywhere near as many as I remembered. It turns out that lots of trades that you may recall as one-for-one actually had some spare change thrown in on one or both sides. Savard for Chelios? Nope, that one included a draft pick. Nieuwendyk for Iginla? Don't forget Corey Millen. Heatley for Hossa? Greg de Vries. Turgeon for LaFontaine? Yeah, that one actually had like 14 pieces to it. Come to think of it, I may be the only one who thought that was a one-for-one. My bad.

But the point remains: True one-for-one deals don't happen often, which is all the more reason to love Johansen-for-Jones. But there have been a few, and I came up with ten of the most memorable. Please note that this isn't meant to be a definitive list, since due to recent events my research department currently consists of a magic eight ball I made myself by dropping a 20-sided die into an empty whiskey bottle. If I missed your favorite, please know that I did my best to… wait, you already skipped the intro, scanned the list, and went to Twitter to call me an idiot, didn’t you? Cool, cool.

For the rest of you, here are ten of the more interesting one-for-one trades from NHL history.

July 27, 1995 – Hartford trades Chris Pronger to St. Louis for Brendan Shanahan

This is probably the biggest one-for-one trade in NHL history, not to mention the best comparison for Johansen-for-Jones. It's also the one that might keep David Poile awake at night for the next few year, because it's the classic example of why you never want to give up on a young stud defenseman too early, no matter how rich the return.

That's not to say the deal was a bust for the Whalers. Just like the Predators, they got a first-line forward in his prime, and this one went on to become a Hall-of-Famer. But while Shanahan was very good, Pronger developed into an absolute beast, and remains the only defenseman to win the MVP since Bobby Orr. That's probably a little too high to set our targets for Jones, but it's a vivid illustration of the worst case scenario when you move a blueliner before you really know what you have.

(And no, the fact that Shanahan lasted just one full season in Hartford before demanding a trade probably doesn't help. And the whole franchise relocation thing that followed. Listen, Predators fans, let's just forget I ever mentioned any of this.)

June 23, 2012 – Toronto trades Luke Schenn to Philadelphia for James van Riemsdyk

This may have been the last true one-for-one NHL blockbuster before this week, although it doesn't look anywhere near as big as it once did. In 2012, Schenn was still considered a solid enough young defenseman with upside, and not the borderline depth guy he looks like today. In the years since, this deal looked like an absolute steal for Toronto as van Riemsdyk developed into a solid scorer. He seems to have settled into a 25-30 goal guy, which won't get him on many all-star teams, but isn't bad.

But still – Toronto won a trade! I don't get to write those words very often. I'm in a good mood now, let's see what's next on our list.

June 24, 2006 – Toronto trades Tuukka Rask to Boston for Andrew Raycroft

Dammit.

You know what? No. I'm still not ready to talk about this one. Let's just move on to some other team's terrible trade to make me feel better.

Read the rest of this post...

Things overheard at the Maple Leafs statue unveiling

MLSE also spent a ton of money on a tribute to
Toronto FC’s greatest players, but halfway through
the ceremony the best statues just walked out.

After weeks of speculation, the Toronto Maple Leafs finally unveiled their new Legends Row on Saturday as part of their Fan Fest weekend. The new monument features bronze statues of Ted Kennedy, Johnny Bower and Darryl Sittler, with other legends from franchise history being added each year leading up to the team’s centennial celebration in 2017.

The event was a big deal for Maple Leaf fans, so it goes without saying that DGB spies were in attendance. Here’s a selection of some of the things they managed to overhear.

• Yes, it certainly is a thrill to get a glimpse of a superstar from a long-bygone era who you can only remember through stories passed down to you from your grandparents, but maybe don’t say that out loud to Darryl Sittler, ok Mr. Dubas?
  
  
• Oh cool, they left plenty of space for another eight to ten good players, just like they did for the current roster.
  
  
• Quick, get these wonderful tributes to the franchise’s beloved past unveiled before Tim Leiweke shows up with a blow torch and starts melting everything down.
  
  
• This one statue of a guy taking a penalty shot is so lifelike that if you stare at it long enough it almost seems like it’s actually moving ever so slowly towards… oh, sorry Mr. Allison, didn’t realize you were here today.

Read the rest of this post...

2013 Stanley Cup Final preview

Even Hossa agreed that his stick's Gregory
Campbell impression was in poor taste.

The Stanley Cup Final start tomorrow, which means it's time for an in-depth preview of the two teams that will be competing to be crowned champion.

With the Bruins and Blackhawks this evenly matched, even a small advantage in one area can become the key to victory. Here's a look at each of the crucial matchups that could end up deciding the series.

Coaching

Blackhawks: Joe Quenneville is a savvy veteran who can be counted on to avoid rookie mistakes, like picking up when his general manager tries to Skype him.
Bruins: Claude Julien has turned the Bruins into perennial Cup contenders thanks to the patented strategy he calls "Always make sure you have pretty much the best goalie in the entire league".

Forwards

Blackhawks: Patrick Kane has been on fire lately, which is pretty much what you'd expect from something greasy that's frequently soaked in alcohol.
Bruins: Brad Marchand has established himself as one of the best agitators in hockey, in the sense that watching a guy rack up goals and assists against your team in crucial situations can be really agitating.

Read the rest of this post...

Ron Wilson sings "Reimer"

Bloge Salming and I made this for you. May god have mercy on our souls.

RSS readers, click here.

You can also view this video at TheScore.com's Houses Of The Hockey blog. Visit blogesalming.com for more hockey fun.

A brief history of hockey brawls

This camera must have had
a hell of a shutter speed.

Seen any good fights lately?

Probably. In recent weeks we've watched Brent Johnson knockout fellow goaltender Rick DiPietro with a single punch. Boston and Dallas started a game with three separate fights in four seconds. Then the Bruins and Canadiens brawled, including another goalie scrap. And then the biggest explosion of all, at least so far, as the Islanders and Penguins rematch resulted in 346 penalty minutes, 23 games worth of suspensions, several injuries and a fine to the Islanders' organization.

So let the hand-wringing begin. But the league and its fans has been down this road before. And in fact, this latest round of incidents is only the latest in a long history of fights, brawls and general mayhem.

So join me in a nostalgic look back at some other well-known hockey brawls. You know, or else I'll punch you in the head.

March 5, 2004 - The Senators and Flyers combine for a league record 419 PIM after a series of fights are touched off by an argument over which franchise will destroy the careers of the most goaltenders during the rest of the decade.

October 2, 2008 - After the fifth different altercation to feature a player viciously attacking Sean Avery, the Dallas Stars coaching staff decides to just cancel rest of the practice and try again tomorrow.

April 20, 1984 - The Canadiens and Nordiques combine for over 250 penalty minutes and 10 ejections in a game that comes to be known as "la bataille du Vendredi saint" or, in English, "pretty standard for a game between Quebec and Montreal".

March 4, 2003 - An enraged Darcy Tucker dives into the Ottawa bench and remains there for several seconds, inadvertently becoming the third longest serving coach in Senators' history.

1982 to 1993, inclusive - In an extended incident that most hockey historians will later describe as "maybe a bit excessive", every single player in the Norris Division is involved in a spirited fight with every single other player at all times for twelve straight years, with the exception of Steve Yzerman.

March 15, 2006 - Chris Pronger is ejected from the game after a rampage that leaves seven players facing career-threatening injuries, which is unfortunate since it was a spring-training game between the Baltimore Orioles and Kansas City Royals.

October 4, 2007 - A rare goalie fight during an intrasquad scrimmage leaves Andrew Raycroft and Vesa Toskala facing significant injuries and lengthy suspensions, every Leaf fan really wishes in hindsight.

February 18, 1992 - Towards the end of a wild bench-clearing brawl involving such enforcers as Rob Ray, Brad May, Gord Donnelly, Jay Wells and Brad Miller, the Buffalo Sabres sheepishly begin to realize that the Hartford Whalers left two hours ago and they've all just been fighting each other.

December 23, 1979 - Mike Milbury climbs into the stands and beats a fan with his own shoe, in what everyone now agrees is probably the fifteenth or sixteenth dumbest thing he's ever done.

January 4, 1987 - Canada and Russia are disqualified from the World Junior tournament after a massive brawl that will be unanimously criticized by the media as "outrageous" and "shameful" and "totally going to screw up the 'you never see any brawls in international hockey' argument we make in all our anti-fighting columns".

May 11, 1989 - After an increasingly out-of-control Ron Hextall viciously attacks Chris Chelios in the dying moments of the Wales Conference Finals, concerned government authorities finally agree to green-light the top secret cyborg assassin program that will eventually lead to the creation of Felix Potvin.

November 7, 1998 - Red Wings and Avalanche players immediately engage in five separate and bloody fights as soon as the puck hits the ice, which really scares the crap out of the disabled child doing the ceremonial puck drop.

Off-season winners and losers - 2010

Unlike Kyle Wellwood, the road was signed.

August is traditionally the dead zone on the NHL's calendar, and this year seems to be no different. While we're still weeks away from the start of training camps, it's fair to say the most of the off-season action is long gone.

That makes this a good time for some reflection. With the draft complete, several trades in the books and most of the major free agents signed, the league's teams have had plenty of opportunities to reshape their rosters. And as always, some did a better job than others.

Let's take a look back at some of the NHL's biggest winners and losers from this summer.

Winners

New York Rangers - Their annual "free agent signing which everyone agrees was the most outrageously over-priced mistake of the summer" ended up being a lot cheaper than usual this year.

Calgary Flames - Signed free agent Olli Jokinen, finally filling the "over-paid third line center" void created by the deadline day trading of Olli Jokinen.

Washington Capitals - Moved quickly to address the biggest reason for last year's crushing post-season disappointment by somehow convincing the Montreal Canadiens to trade Jaroslav Halak to the Western conference.

Atlanta Thrashers - Acquired several players from Chicago's Stanley Cup-winning roster, ensuring that for the first time in sports history a Google search for "Atlanta" and "Hawks" and "championship" will not yield zero results.

Buffalo Sabres - Didn't allow trivial distractions such as trades or free agency signings to sidetrack them from what was really important: Calling Ryan Miller every day to ask "Just checking, but you're still our starting goalie, right?"

Ottawa Senators - Announced the hiring of 51-year old Rick Wamsley as goaltending coach, immediately making him the best goalie in franchise history.

Columbus Blue Jackets - Acquired winger Ethan Moreau who, as a former Edmonton Oilers captain, will no doubt provide his new teammates with invaluable feedback on what not to do.

Detroit Red Wings - Boosted their offensive depth chart with the signing of free agent center Mike Modano, who is presumably the son of that guy who was really good for the Minnesota North Stars back in the early 90s.

Losers

New Jersey Devils - Foolishly based entire free agency strategy on the assumption that the specific terms of the CBA would be adhered to.

Toronto Maple Leafs - Their savvy acquisition of Brett Ledba to fill the role of seventh defenseman was offset somewhat by the fact that their first-line center on opening night will also be Brett Lebda.

Chicago Blackhawks - Were forced to part ways with nine regulars due to the salary cap, and now face the daunting task of somehow defending their championship with only Jonathan Toews, Duncan Keith, Patrick Kane, Marion Hossa, Patrick Sharp, Brent Seabrook and a half-dozen other stars.

Florida Panthers - Despite best efforts, have likely not done enough to satisfy the expectations of their die-hard fan.

Vancouver Canucks - Lost backup goaltender Andrew Raycroft to free agency but have yet to find a replacement equally skilled at stopping NHL shooters, such as a wet sheet of paper mache.

Los Angeles Kings - In hindsight, attempt to boost employee morale by giving entire front office staff the summer off may have been a mistake.

Boston Bruins - Short-sightedly drafted future franchise player Tyler Seguin with the top two pick acquired from Toronto, leaving virtually no room on roster for franchise players available with Toronto's top two pick in 2011.

Road woes: NHL players vs. moving vehicles

Tragically, the YMCA sing-along
never got past "Y".

Last night's game against the Islanders gave Leafs fans their first chance to get a look at Brendan Witt since he was run over by an SUV on Tuesday.

But while the incident was unique in that it was the first time a news story included "Brendan Witt" and "hit" but not "elbow" and "pending suspension", it wasn't all that unusual. NHL players haven't been having much luck when they step out onto the street these days.

Here's a look back at some of the recent incidents and near-misses involving NHL players and moving vehicles:

The victim: Kyle Wellwood
The incident: Narrowly avoided high-speed collision with twin brother during moped ride.

The victim: Shane Doan
The incident: After a tough loss, stepped out into street and was hit by one of the several dozen moving vans that circle the Jobing.com Arena at all times.

The victim: Andrew Raycroft
The incident: Was so upset after a tough loss that he jumped in front of the team bus -- but it went through his legs! Literally. The force of the impact evaporated his legs. Oh god, it was horrific!

The victim: Jonathan Cheechoo
The incident: Stopped too suddenly at a red light; was rear-ended by the hearse that follows him around carrying his goal-scoring ability.

The victim: Zdeno Chara
The incident: Carelessly stepped in front of a speeding commuter train, causing massive damage to the train and slightly wrinkling his dress shirt.

The victim: John Ferguson Jr.
The incident: Chased a ball into the street and was nearly run over by the short bus that takes him work every morning.

The victim: The Philadelphia Flyers
The incident: Various players suffered bruises after bumpy ride to airport caused by team bus attempting to drive with John Stevens still stuck underneath it.

The victim: Kyle Okposo
The incident: Filed police report after being run over by speeding oil tanker. The charges were withdrawn after a review of the video determined it was actually just Dion Phaneuf.

The victim: Steve Tambellini
The incident: After reviewing the team's salary cap situation during his first day on the job, briefly considered jumping in front of the Brinks truck that will be delivering Shawn Horcoff's paycheck for the next six years.

The victim: Jaroslav Halak
The incident: After a pre-season victory, was nearly struck while leaving the Bell Centre after inexcusably forgetting to always look both ways for cars in case the rioters have thrown a flaming one at you.

The victim: Bill Berg
The incident: Run over by truck driven by Pat Burns, who nonetheless continued to not know who he was.

The victim: Jason Spezza
The incident: Carelessly stepped in front of a vehicle, causing it to swerve uncontrollably, plunge off of a cliff, and explode into a ball of flaming wreckage on the rocks below. Luckily, it was the Senators bandwagon so nobody was on board.

When teammates attack: Other teammate-inflicted NHL injuries

The Florida Panthers' playoff
chances: an interpretive dance

Keith Ballard is the talk of the hockey world today, thanks to his bizarre slash to the head that left teammate Tomas Vokoun bleeding on a stretcher.

But while Ballard is certainly an extreme case, he's not the first NHL player to accidentally cause an injury to a teammate. In fact, over the past few years the league has seen several regrettable incidents. Here's a look at some that had the biggest impact.

The player: Jonas Gustavsson
The injury: Heart arrhythmia due to repetitive trauma to the middle of his chest
What happened: Cumulative effect from a full month of facing Jason Blake in practice every day.

The player: Joe Thornton
The injury: Damaged windpipe due to choking
What happened: Unaware of strict internal rules regarding team meals, new teammate Dany Heatley mentions the word "playoffs".

The player: Andrei Markov
The injury: Sprained MCL
What happened: Repetitive strain of constantly having to drop to one knee to hold a conversation with the Habs' various offseason acquisitions.

The player: Brad Boyes
The injury: Severe hoof damage across his back
What happened: Wandered in between Keith Tkachuk and the post-game buffet.

The player: Alexei Ponikarovsky
The injury: Lower back pain, swollen ankles, and gestational diabetes
What happened: Accidentally made eye contact with Luke Schenn.

The player: Entire Vancouver Canucks defence
The injury: Second and third degree sunburns to the back of the neck.
What happened: Were forced to play an entire game in front of Andrew Raycroft.

The player: Rick DiPietro
The injury: Multiple fractures, torn ligaments, internal organ failure
What happened: Teammate Brendan Witt turned on a rotating fan in the dressing room, causing a light breeze.

The player: Marian Hossa
The injury: Lacerations to both wrists
What happened: New teammate Patrick Kane introduced himself by saying "Wow, you played for Pittsburgh and Detroit? Can I see your Cup rings?"

The player: Marc Staal
The injury: Impaired vision
What happened: Learning the details of Wade Redden's free agent contract caused eyes to cartoonishly pop out of head, detaching both retinas.

The player: Daniel Carcillo
The injury: Concussion
What happened: During a heated debate on the validity of the inferential thesis, Carcillo argues for Gibson's "ecological approach" to the conception of perception, leading Riley Cote (a known advocate of Fodor and Pylyshyn's stance that affordances presuppose direct perception and therefore can not be used to explain it) to hit him over the head with a folding chair.

The player: Chris Neil
The injury: Two broken ankles
What happened: Instinctively leapt out of eighth floor hotel window after Chris Phillips mentioned that the bellhop kind of looked like Colton Orr.

The player: Chris Drury
The injury: Existential crisis
What happened: Realization that Sean Avery continues to pull incredibly hot women forced him to question the very existence of a just and merciful god.

The player: Mike Fisher
The injury: Broken jaw and fractued orbital bone
What happened: Tried to keep a straight face when Daniel Alfredsson delivered his "Go ahead and write it, I guarantee we'll win the Cup" quote.

2009-2010 Season Preview: The Northwest Division

As we count down the final days leading up to the 2009-10 regular season, let's take a look at each of the 30 teams with the official DGB Season Preview. Today, we look at the Northwest Division.

Edmonton Oilers

The good: At last count there were still at least 20 players in the NHL who don't have no-trade clauses, meaning Oilers can still field a complete roster.
The bad: The leaking of the names involves in the Heatley trade negotiations left guys like Dustin Penner twisting in the wind, or would have if it were physically possible to lift him off the ground.
Biggest question mark: Will injury-prone Nikolai Khabibulin respond well to a lighter workload in Edmonton, given that he won't have to ever play in the playoffs?
Fearless forecast: A frustrated Pat Quinn becomes the most popular coach in Oilers history when he extinguishes his cigar in Mike Comrie's eye.

Minnesota Wild

The good: Finally abandoned the trap and committed to playing a more free-flowing offensive system, meaning now the only member of the Wild who consistently puts people to sleep will be Derek Boogaard.
The bad: The loss of superstar Marion Gaborik could prove devastating to the hundreds of local health care workers who relied on him for full-time employment.
Biggest question mark: Will Niklas Backstrom's numbers take a hit now that he may be asked to occasionally face a shot on net?
Fearless forecast: You will accidentally refer to them as the "North Stars" every time you talk about them all year, which will be twice.

Calgary Flames

The good: Spent off-season conducting exhaustive search for the best possible head coach, who in incredibly bizarre coincidence ended up being the GM's brother.
The bad: It's going to be awkward when they finish first in the division, only to find out that Jay Bouwmeester packed up and went home the day the season ended out of force of habit.
Biggest question mark: Will Dion Phaneuf's play be negatively affected around the time of a full moon when he is visited by the ghostly corpse of Kyle Okposo?
Fearless forecast: The team should be a strong Cup contender except in the extremely unlikely event that Miikka Kiprusoff's play deteriorates, the way it has every single year since the lockout.

Colorado Avalanche

The good: Had the brilliant idea of hiring universally beloved former player Joe Sakic to coach the team.
The bad: Probably should have proofread that job offer a little more carefully before sending it out.
Biggest question mark: Seriously, why is every single person from the front office and coaching staff a former Maple Leaf fourth liner?
Fearless forecast: During a brawl-filled game against the Red Wings Chris Osgood skates the length of the ice for the traditional goalie fight, only to be disappointed to learn that the Avs haven't had an NHL goaltender in three years.

Vancouver Canucks

The good: Size up front. The forwards weigh in at an average of 220 lbs.
The bad: That drops to 175 lbs on nights Kyle Wellwood isn't playing.
Biggest question mark: How injured would Roberto Luongo have to be for it to actually makes sense to use backup goalie Andrew Raycroft instead? Two missing limbs? Three?
Fearless forecast: At long last, Vancouver hockey fans get to watch a championship hockey team. Then the Olympics end, and the Canucks resume their march to a second round elimination.

What went wrong? Excuses from the NHL's losers

Almost seven full months after the start of the regular season, we are down to eight. Eight teams with a shot at the greatest trophy in all of sports. Eight teams, each well and truly worthy of being celebrated.

But of course, that's not how things work around here. Because there are also eight teams that have just been sent home, not to mention 14 more that didn't even make the playoffs. That makes 22 teams that didn't manage to win so much as one single round.

In other words, 22 losers.

What happened? What went wrong? I decided to find out. So I used my connections to reach out to each team, and asked them to provide an official excuse for their failure. Here's what they told me:


Phoenix Coyotes - Wayne Gretzky's entire coaching style involves playing a video of himself from 1983, pointing at screen, and yelling "do that!"

Tampa Bay Lightning - Everyone always told us to always ask selves "What Would Gary Roberts Do?", so we quit mid-way through the season.

St. Louis Blues - Could not realistically have been expected to overcome crushing mid-season loss of Lee Stempniak.

Florida Panthers - Heard rumors that Florida fans react to playoff success by pelting players with rodent carcasses.

Calgary Flames - Despite tireless efforts to prepare for opponents, were caught off-guard by Blackhawks' never-before-seen trick play called "Martin Havlat actually does something in the playoffs".

New York Islanders - Gosh, hard to say. Suppose it could have had something to do with not having any NHL-caliebe players on the roster.

Ottawa Senators - Gave up after captain Daniel Alfredsson privately guaranteed team would miss playoffs, because man, that guy is never wrong.

Atlanta Thrashers - Like everyone else in the hockey world, completely forgot we existed.

Columbus Blue Jackets - Are a young team that is still learning how to win in the playoffs. For example, this year we learned that it's a really bad idea to play the Detroit Red Wings.

Nashville Predators - Were distracted by concerns that team could be bought by somebody deemed unacceptable by Gary Bettman, such as a person with actual money and no criminal record.

Buffalo Sabres - Not sure where it came from, but this new Dominic Moore guy has an overpowering case of the loser cooties.

Los Angeles Kings - Were confused by NHL's increasingly strict interpretation of rulebook. For example, did you know that in really important games referees can now call a penalty when you hit somebody in the face with your stick?

Dallas Stars - Must have been some sort of conspiracy between Tony Romo and Jason Witten.

San Jose Sharks - Instead of rousing pre-game speech or quiet moment of reflection on task at hand, franchise player Joe Thornton uses final moments before every playoff game to run around locker room shrieking "I have the nervous poos!"

New York Rangers - After game four, realized that choking horrifically would be the only way to get media to stop talking about Sean Avery for three minutes.

New Jersey Devils - Should probably have reconsidered team's inspirational playoff slogan of "59 minutes? Sure, close enough!"

Edmonton Oilers - If his text messages aren't returned promptly, owner Daryl Katz will crush a player's morale by de-friending them on Facebook.

Minnesota Wild - Heart-pounding tempo of Jacques Lemaire's quick strike offensive game plan impossible to sustain over full season.

Colorado Avalanche - Employ Andrew Raycroft.

Toronto Maple Leafs - Sorry, couldn't hear your question. The acoustics are bad in this giant vault full of sweet, sweet money.

Philadelphia Flyers - Referees killed us. Which, I suppose, makes us even.

Montreal Canadiens - Many players suffered from chronic back problems and strained groins due to franchise spending entire season trying to blow itself.

One year of Down Goes Brown

One year ago today, I decided to finally start blogging. I'd been thinking about it for months, and finally decided to just go ahead and do it. I figured it would be fun, even though I wasn't sure anyone would ever read it.

Twelve months and almost 100,000 page views later, it's still fun. And I'm still trying to figure out who exactly is reading (but hello to all of you in Malaysia, where apparently I'm huge).

It's been an interesting year. Here are some of the highlights...

Feb. 8, 2008 - The Leafs are terrible, but at least they just beat the Habs. DGB makes an understated debut with a short game recap of the Leafs win over Montreal. It takes exactly one paragraph to get to the first "Kyle Wellwood is fat" jokes.

Feb. 9, 2009 - One day into the blog's history, we get the first of roughly three dozen posts to feature the Stu Grimson video.

Feb. 12, 2008 - The first "Obscure Moments" feature, with an in-depth breakdown of the Ron MacLean-Nik Borchevsky interview. Readers begin to wonder if maybe I have too much time on my hands.

Feb. 20, 2008 - The infamous Russ Courtnall for John Kordic was a good trade post. This post has become the #1 Google result for most combinations of Kordic and Courtnall's name, and still drives hundreds of visitors to the site, none of whom agree with me.

Feb. 24, 2008 - Two days before the trade deadline, Mats Sundin announces he won't waive his no-trade clause. I begin writing anti-Sundin posts, a temporary phase that readers assume I'll grow out of quickly.

March 6, 2008 - I make the argument that the Leafs are the softest team in the NHL. Somewhere, Brian Burke nods sadly.

March 26, 2008 - Thanks to Patrick Roy's lunatic son, I write what still stands as the most popular post in DGB history: How To Fight When You Don't Want to Fight.

April, 2008 - Inspired by Mark Bell murdering Daniel Alfredsson, April somehow becomes Beat Up The Senators month. We have some fun at the expense of shameless Sen homers Bruce Garrioch and Don Brennan, and then point out that the Senators steal everyone's playoff traditions. And then, rock bottom for Sens fans: this happens.

May 6, 2008 - Stung by accusations of being too negative, I try to come up with 20 good things about the 07-08 Leafs. For some reason, commenters accuse me of being insincere.

May 26, 2008 - The second Great Obscure Moment - Everything that happened after the Clark/McSorley fight. Sadly, my quest to determine the identity of Pinky Finger remains unfulfilled.

June 20, 2008 - June is a slow month, both for the Leafs and the blog. I do get a chance to make fun of The Love Guru, though. The post is read by hundreds of people, making it more popular than the movie.

June 24 - Down Goes Brown wins Eklund's "Next Great Hockey Blogger" contest at hockeybuzz.

July 1 - Free agent signing day. The Leafs sign unheralded defenceman Jeff Finger, who I know nothing about. I ask the folks at the (now defunct) Avs blog In The Cheap Seats to write a guest post about him. Puck Daddy links to it, and confused Leaf fans flood the site for the biggest single-day traffic in the blog's history, by far. That's right, my all-time biggest traffic spike was due to a post I didn't write. I think that tells you something.

July 24 - DGB makes the New York Times, except they don't get the name quite right.

July 29 - I set out to name the Worst Leafs of All-Time. This ends up being a three-part series, after I edit it down from its original 100,000 words.

August 13 - I write a sympathetic post about how Mats Sundin should really wait until mid-season to return to the NHL, but clearly can't because he said he'd never be a rental and obviously he's a man of his word. Yeah. Keep your day job, Nostradamus.

August 31 - I give Bryan McCabe a rousing send-off on his last day as a Maple Leaf. To be honest, I was just angry that the Leafs had parted with McCabe, Wellwood and Raycroft within a few weeks. In the first six months of this blog, 80% of the writing consisted of the same three jokes: Wellwood is fat, McCabe scores in his own net, and Raycroft has no glove hand. That was it. I was terrified that I'd have nothing to write about.

September 14, 2008 - Spiralling into depression, I set out to answer the question: Is this the worse it's ever been? Spoiler alert: Yes.

September 22, 2008 - EA Sports releases a commercial for NHL 09 that features Kyle Wellwood. I'm thrilled, because I get to use up all my leftover Wellwood jokes in one post.

September 29, 2008 - Maple Leaf Media Cliche Bingo debuts. Fifteen seconds later, Damien Cox has filled in his card.

October 15, 2008 - I count down the Top 10 tough guys from the old Norris Division. The list ends up being somewhat anti-climactic, since all ten spots are awarded to Wendel Clark's various knuckles.

October 30, 2008 - Somebody who makes more money than him makes Howard Berger feel inadequate, so he takes out all his dashed aspirations on Leaf fans with a legendary post.

November 3, 2008 - I start writing about Wendel Clark, and don't stop for three weeks. The Top 17 Wendel Moments series dominates the site for the rest of the month, covering goals, hits, fights and more. We even find out who made the All Heart video.

November 19, 2008 - What's the difference between this blog and a hockey game in the southern US? This blog can sell out.

December 16, 2008 - I post about my most-wanted Maple Leaf collectibles. The entire post is just a thinly-veiled excuse to make some Al Iafrate jokes. God I wish I had a blog in the early 90s.

December 18, 2008 - Mats Sundin finally signs with the Canucks. I write a message to Mats, as well as an explanation of why Leaf fans are so mad at him. Somebody sends the link to Sundin, but it takes him two months to decide whether he wants to click on it.

December 23, 2008 - I write a humorous holiday post about throwing a dog into a furnace.

December 28, 2008 - I spend 15 minutes writing a post about who took out Matt Stajan, and three hours looking for angry soccer ball clipart on google.

January 10, 2009 - I officially give up on the season. Judging by the comments section, most of you were already there.

January 25, 2009 - I make a pro-fighting post, kicking off about two weeks straight of fighting debates on the site (including one with Damien Cox). Everyone pretends to be impressed by the depth of my research and the persuasiveness of my argument, while secretly wishing I'd just go back to making jokes about the 1990 Leafs.

January 26, 2009 - The Brian Burke twitter account appears, a fact that has absolutely nothing to do with this blog so why am I even mentioning it...

January 31, 2009 - I count down my personal top ten Doug Gilmour moments. While the old clips of goals and other highlights are fun, the post is most memorable for allowing me to finally create an "enrico ciccone" tag.

February 8, 2009 - Down Goes Brown celebrates its one year anniversary. The Leafs are terrible, but at least they just beat the Habs.

Thanks to everyone for reading and commenting. And a special thanks to those of you who've helped the blog grow by sending links to your friends and others who you think might enjoy it.

My only regret is that I didn't get started sooner. So if you're somebody like me -- a Leaf fan who likes to watch, talk and write about hockey -- and you don't have your own blog, why not start one? If I can do it, believe me, so can you.

Just stay away from Malaysia. That market is all mine.

Your Christmas shopping guide to Maple Leafs collectibles

Christmas is just a week away, and you know what that means: Mats Sundin has almost finished picking out a Valentine's gift for his wife. But for the rest of us, it's time to get shopping.

Luckily, Leaf fans are easy to buy for. After all, pretty much every product imaginable has had a Maple Leaf slapped on it at some point. But why not go the extra mile for that special Leaf fan in your life? Why not get them a rare collectible that they'll cherish forever?

To help get you thinking creatively, here's my personal list of my Most Wanted Maple Leaf memorabilia. These are the gifts I'm hoping to find under my tree this year.

Deserted island up front,
party out back

An authentic Al Iafrate helmet - Just so I can have something to wear at all times once I eventually start going bald.

I'd also be interested in other Iafrate collectibles, such as the stick he used to set the slapshot record, a game-used pack of cigarettes, and one of Gary Leeman's old condom wrappers.

The paperwork from the agreed-on but never consummated Vincent Lecavlier trade - Apparently the Leafs were ready to fax in the paperwork when the Lightning ownership called the deal off. What happened to it? They couldn't have just thrown it out. Somebody must have it in a file folder somewhere in an office at MLSE.

I think I would have it framed in an impressive glass case, which I would smash my head through every morning on my way out the door.

A game-worn Jason Blake jersey - It's just like all the other game-worn jerseys, except without the sweat stains.

Andrew Raycroft's glove - I'd nail it to my garage door, and drive my car through it every day.

Marty McSorley's eyeball from Game One of the Kings series - Somebody must have it, since it flew into the stands at the Gardens about three seconds into this fight. If you worked at MLG as an usher and once found a human eyeball with a knuckle-sized divot in it, call me.

Speaking of Wendel memorabilia, I would also accept Curtis Joseph's disintegrated mask, Cam Neely's dignity, or the corpse of Bruce Bell.

I'd nail one pad to either side of
my garage and then drive...
wait, did I do that one already?

Allan Bester game-worn goalie pads - My infant daughter would look adorable in them.

An officially licensed Mats Sundin weathervane - I could set it up outside and watch it flip back and forth whenever the wind changed. It would also be fun to watch all the journalists crowd around it to breathlessly report on its every move even though it never actually went anywhere.

A vial of water from Luke Schenn's water bottle - Just in case anyone I know is ever diagnosed with leprosy.

A John Kordic #27 jersey - Then I would go to an autograph show and ask Frank Mahovlich or Darryl Sittler to sign it, just to see how they reacted.

The pen that JFJ used to sign contracts with - I think it would be fun to have around, just for those moments when somebody needed to sign something that was going to turn out to be a terrible mistake.

Want to take out a sub-prime mortgage? Borrow my pen! Signing auto industry bailout legislation? Borrow my pen! Hey man, you're getting married? That's great, let me sign the guestbook...

Damien Cox's laptop keyboard - It's in pretty good shape, it's just that the 1, 9, 6 and 7 keys are worn out.

Brian Papineau, in one of his
dryer moments

The water bottle that Brian Papineau went crazy with after the Borschevsky goal - I don't even have a joke here. I'd pay hundreds of dollars for this. Then I'd fill it up with water, carry it with me at all-times, and then spray it all over every time something even remotely positive happened in my life. Winning pro-line tickets, moderately positive work reviews, daughter makes it through bath time without pooping in the tub... water bottle spray!

A Leafs series-winning goal puck from a Toronto/Ottawa series - Wait, scratch that. Collectibles are only valuable if they're rare.

And finally, the one Leafs collectable I would value above any other...

The stick that Wayne Gretzky high-sticked Doug Gilmour with - I would easily pay $1,000 for this. I mean, I wouldn't even hesitate at that price -- that money would be out of my daughter's RESP and into the hands of some shady e-bay collector within seconds. And I think I'd be willing to go much higher (remember, I'm the guy who once paid $50 just to deface Gretzky's hockey-reference.com page).

The big question would be, what to do with it? Do you display something like that in your basement? Destroy it in some sort of ceremony? Set it on fire to see if the choking black smoke formed into a giant Habs logo?

I think the first thing I'd do would be to get the stick autographed by Wayne Gretzky, then immediately write a confession directly above the signature. And by the way, if you think I wouldn't have that stick in a CSI lab for conclusive blood samples within hours, you don't know me well enough.

I think I might end up taking it to Kerry Fraser's house and using it smash out the windshields of his car, just so I could see him peer out of his window with a confused look on his face, unable to determine what was happening before looking around for some linesmen to throw under the bus.

What about you guys? What's on your most-wanted list?

Is this the worst it's ever been? Part three

In part one, we took a look at the miserable Ballard years. In part two, we looked at the mostly positive Fletcher and Quinn eras.

In the final installment of our series, we look at recent seasons to try to once and for all answer the question: is this the worst it's ever been?


2004-05

Welcome to the John Ferguson Jr. era.

The good: John Ferguson Jr. doesn't make any terrible in-season moves. The Leafs don't blow any third-period leads, never back down from a single fight, and finish tied for first overall.

The bad: There is no hockey thanks to the lockout.

When the owners and players finally sign a new CBA in summer 2005, the league signals the new era by introducing rules that will favor smaller, speedier teams. Ferguson responds by signing a bunch of big, slow free agents like Jason Allison and Eric Lindros. He also chooses not to buy out any veterans, signalling his keen understanding of the importance of cap management.

How bad was it? 80/100. We thought a full year without the Leafs was as bad as it could possibly get. Boy, were we wrong.


2005-06

The good: The Leafs take a step back, but still manage 90 points under Pat Quinn. Bryan McCabe has a career year, scoring 68 points and making the Canadian Olympic team. A handful of younger players like Kyle Wellwood and Alex Steen show promise. Tomas Kaberle plays well, then signs a very reasonable contract extension.

The bad: The Leafs narrowly miss the playoffs. Ed Belfour doesn't look very sharp, and is bought out at the end of the year. Allison is just OK, Lindros is hurt, and the veteran Leafs look slow and out-classed in the new NHL. Ferguson offers McCabe a huge five-year contract that introduces the phrase "no-movement" to NHL fans. McCabe actually waits for weeks to sign the offer, showing that his decision making is just as solid off the ice as it is on.

Ferguson also fires Quinn, replacing him with teenaged prodigy Paul Maurice. At the 2006 draft, Ferguson deals top prospect Tuuka Rask to the Bruins for Andrew Raycroft, a former Calder winner who has just had an awful season.

How bad was it? 80/100. Well, at least hockey is back. And the Leafs will be too, soon enough. Right?


2006-07

Captured on film:
Paul Maurice's defensive system.

The good: The Leafs fight hard for a playoff spot, leading up to a thrilling final-game showdown with the Habs. They win a comeback thriller, only to be eliminated the next day when the Scott Clemmensen and the Devils lay down for the Islanders.

The bad: Raycroft is inconsistent -- bad some nights, awful on others. Paul Maurice doesn't seem to have any sort of system, other than cracking one-liners for the adoring media. Despite clearly not being a contender, the Leafs bring in Yanic Perrault at the deadline for a prospect and high draft pick. (Fun fact: Perrault's grandfather was drafted by the Leafs in 1991.)

Sensing the team is weak in the critical "wasted shots" category, Ferguson signs Jason Blake to a contract that will last until the end of time.

How bad was it? 90/100. At this point it's becoming clear that Ferguson is a moron, the team isn't going anywhere, and there's really no reason for optimism. Or as we call it now, "the good times".


2007-08

The good: You must be new here.

The bad: How much time have we got? OK, let's try to be brief... The Leafs are terrible. They don't play a system, they score into their own net, they let in 180-foot goals, the blow third-period leads every week, and they're the softest team in the NHL.

With the entire city begging for the team to be taken out behind a barn and shot, the team's five veteran leaders refuse to waive their no-trade clauses at the deadline because their wives really enjoy shoe-shopping at the Eaton Centre. Fans wear paper bags to the games. Paul Maurice stands behind the bench with his arms crossed wondering what the "T.O" on the scoreboard stands for.

Ferguson is finally fired, although not before Richard Peddie humiliates both of them my calling his hiring a "mistake" while he still works there. Cliff Fletcher is re-hired on an interim basis and has to sit there while Peddie mouths his words along with him at the press conference. The team forms a much-publicized search committee for a new GM, who end up not hiring anybody.

In the off-season, Mats Sundin backtracks on all that "I want to be a Leaf forever" nonsense. The fake fishing trip that he uses every off-season to avoid the media stretches into its fourth month before he finally re-emerges to shill for a gambling web site. McCabe reluctantly agrees to waive his no-trade clause after Fletcher breaks into his kitchen and boils his children's puppy, but only if the Leafs absolutely promise not to get anything good for him.

The Leafs prepare to enter the 2008-09 season with a roster that will feature 15 defencemen and four forwards. Somewhere in Finland, Vesa Toskala is on 24-hour suicide watch.

How bad was it? 95/100. We have a winner.

So there you have it... Yes, last year was the worst it's ever been. You are currently living in the worst days of Leaf Nation. Lucky you.

But wait... what about next year? Luckily I've obtained an advanced copy of next season's Year in Review DVD.

Spoiler Alert: Don't read any further if you want to be surprised.


2008-09

Closing your eyes won't help, Vesa.
You'll still be able to smell everything.

The good: Kaberle plays well, and Toskala steals several games. Ron Wilson installs a defensive system that cuts down on the turnovers and mistakes. For the first time in years, young players are given decent ice-time and a shot at special teams.

The bad: The Leafs flirt with last place overall for most of the year. Mikhail Grabovski is a bust, Alex Steen doesn't emerge, and Nikolai Kulemin struggles as a rookie. Leaf fans sing the national anthem at the home opener, then immediately turn on Jeff Finger. Meanwhile, Marlies coach Greg Gilbert successfully destroys whatever is left of Justin Pogge's confidence, then goes to work on ruining Luke Schenn too.

With a half dozen teams driving up the bidding for him, Toskala tweaks his hamstring days before the trade deadline and Fletcher can't deal him. Meanwhile, Kaberle decides not to waive his NTC and the Leafs fail to land any decent picks or prospects for the second year in a row. Days after the deadline, Mats Sundin comes out of retirement to sign with a first place team. He puts his new poker skills to work by telling the media with a straight face that winning a Stanley Cup has always been his top priority.

Bryan McCabe scores 20 goals for the Panthers, leading to 800 identical articles about how the Leafs should have never traded him written by the same reporters who spent the last two years trying to run him out of town. Kyle Wellwood scores 70 points with the Canucks, Darcy Tucker pots 30 goals for the Avs, and Andrew Raycroft learns that you're legally allowed to raise your glove hand to stop a shot.

The Leafs find themselves firmly entrenched in last place overall heading into the final month, then reel off eight straight wins at the end of the year to move up to second-last. A team in a crappy US market that nobody cares about wins the draft lottery, bumping the Leafs down to the third overall pick in a draft with two franchise players. Days before the end of the season, Brian Burke signs an extension with the Mighty Ducks. Richard Peddie is rumored to be seriously considering naming himself general manager before mysteriously disappearing after accepting an interview invitation with an Ottawa-based hockey blogger.

How bad was it? 100/100. But try to act surprised.

The Nightmare Team: Defence and goalies

(This is part one of a three-part series. You can find part two, the forwards, right here. Part three, the front office, is here.)

Leafs blogger General Borschevsky recently unveiled his all-time Leafs dream team. And while its always nice to think back to the good times, my readers know that I sometimes have a little trouble staying positive when it comes to the Leafs.

So I got to thinking, what about the other side of the coin? What about those Leafs that we all loved to hate? Or, in some cases, just plain hated?

I humbly present my selections for the all-time Leaf loser squad: the players we'd all rather forget. As always, this list includes players from my roughly 25 years as a fan. Sadly, it wasn't very difficult to come up with a full roster.

Today, we'll focus on the defencemen and goalies.

Defence

BOOOOOOOOO!

Larry Murphy (1995-97)

Why we hate him: Murphy is the poster child for Leaf fan whipping boys. He's used as an example in the 50% of Leafs coverage that mentions how unreasonably demanding Toronto fans are (as opposed to the other 50% of Leaf coverage which mentioned how Leaf fans are gullible patsies who never boo anybody). Everyone now agrees that Murphy got a raw deal in Toronto from dumb fans who didn't recognize a superstar when they saw one.

There's one problem with that storyline: Murphy was absolutely terrible with the Leafs, and he deserved every boo he heard. For whatever reason Murphy never found his game in Toronto, playing the worst hockey of his otherwise excellent career. At the 1997 NHL All-Star game, the league invited Murphy to skate five strides behind all the players during the breakaway competition just so Leaf fans would feel at home.

Redeeming qualities: First ballot hall of famer. Won the Stanley Cup pretty much every year he wasn't playing for the Leafs.

Bryan Marchment (2003-04)

Why we hate him: Probably the dirtiest defenceman of all-time not named "Ulf", Marchment made a name for himself in the early 90s by going after the knees of Leaf players like Peter Zezel, Glenn Anderson and Wendel Clark. That last one turned out to be a mistake, since Clark eventually almost killed him during a brawl.

He ended up playing for the Leafs for a season, which normally is enough to wipe the slate clean. Not for this guy.

Redeeming qualities: Still pees himself whenever he walks by a Wendel Clark poster

Tom Kurvers (1989-91)

Why we hate him: Kurvers was acquired in an infamous deal by GM Floyd Smith that saw the Leafs trade their first round pick in the 1991 draft to the Devils. While most bad deals are only truly awful in hindsight, this trade was immediately labeled a disaster since Smith had apparently forgotten that a.) the Leafs sucked and b.) 1991 was the Eric Lindros draft year.

Once it became apparently that the Leafs had essentially traded the next NHL franchise player for a journeyman defenceman, Smith went into full-on firesale mode to ensure the Leafs would only finish second last. They did, but the Devils still used the pick to draft Scott Niedermayer, which Leaf fans then had to hear about every single time they played the Devils until he was mercifully murdered by Tie Domi in the 2001 playoffs.

Redeeming qualities: Not really his fault that Smith was a moron. Is apparently now a decent up-and-coming hockey executive. Was traded for Brian Bradley, who had a funny helment.

Andy Wozniewski (2005-2008)

Why we hate him: He was really, really bad at hockey. That wouldn't be that big a deal, except for the fact that he somehow wound up playing hockey for the Maple Leafs. Professionally. Which he was bad at.

Seriously, when you're a defenceman for the 2007 Leafs and you're known as "the bad one", you suck.

Redeeming qualities: Gave hope to a generation of children who dreamed of playing in the NHL even though they couldn't skate.

His barber refused to waive
his no-mullet clause

Bryan McCabe (2000-forever)

Why we hate him: After several years as a fan favorite, McCabe's career went off the rails starting with his epic playoff meltdowns against the Flyers. He signed a massive contract in 2006 that included a now infamous no-movement clause, and almost immediately fell apart as a player. His mental lapses have become legendary, and at one point last year his defensive zone coverage was so awful that Paul Maurice briefly considered cutting down his ice time before going back to thinking up funny one-liners for the Toronto media to lap up.

When not scoring into his own net in overtime, Bryan enjoys whining to referees and telling the media that the last place Leafs are a really good team. There is at least a 10% chance that Cliff Fletcher is going to sneak into his house and kill him before training camp.

Redeeming qualities: Can be counted on to always make sure you don't feel so bad about your own haircut.

Jeff Finger (2008-present)

Why we hate him: Signed a four-year, $3.5 million contract during the 2008 off-season, which would be fine except that nobody had ever heard of him. This was the signing that made everyone stare at Fletcher with that "maybe Grampa should move into the assisted living facility" look. It was later revealed that the Leafs may have had him confused with Kurt Sauer. That last line was easily the funniest one in this whole post, which is sad because it's actually true.

Also, his last name resulted in eight million variations of the exact same "Fletcher gives the Finger" jokes in the first 24 hours after he signed, half of which appeared in the Toronto Sun.

Redeeming qualities: Technically hasn't played for the Leafs yet, meaning his reputation will never be better than it is right now.

Defencemen who also received consideration:
Aki Berg (somehow left off my original list), Garth Butcher, Calle Johansson, Pavel Kubina, Drake Berehowsky, Jim Korn

Defencemen who did not receive consideration:
Todd Gill - Look, I know some fans still blame him for the giveaway against the Hawks in 1989. Those fans are idiots, and you should ignore them. Gill was awesome. I'm not going to argue about this.

Goalies

Rare footage of Andrew
Raycroft not being scored on

Andrew Raycroft (2006-08)

Why we hate him: Like a lot of players on this list, Raycroft serves as an enduring testament to moronic reign of John Ferguson Jr. With Ed Belfour on the way out of town, Ferguson decided to deal the organization's top prospect, Tukka Rask, to the Bruins for Raycroft in 2006. The deal seemed sketchy at the time, looked bad during the season and finally assumed full-fledged disaster status as Raycroft floundered.

Raycroft hit rock bottom during the 2007 season finale against the Habs. With a playoff spot on the line, he was pulled after giving up three soft goals and then told the media he was happy with how he'd played. The next year, he engaged in a battle for the starter's job with Vesa Toskala that was roughly as competitive as the Clark-Fetisov fight. He spent the rest of the year sitting on the bench with a baseball cap pulled down to his waist.

Redeeming qualities: Doesn't play for the Leafs anymore.

Scott Clemmensen

Why we hate him: Clemmensen is one of the rare players who've managed to annoy Leaf fans both before and after arriving in Toronto. He first made a name for himself on the final day of the 2006-07 season, when as a New Jersey Devil he had a chance to put the Leafs in the playoffs by beating the Islanders. In a dramatic shootout, Clemmensen chose to debut his patented "stand completely still while everyone scores on you" move, and the Leafs were eliminated.

His demonstrated ability to torpedo the Leafs playoff hopes made him irresistible to John Ferguson Jr, who signed him to a minor league deal that presumably included a no-trade clause. Having already destroyed the Leafs' past, Clemmensen set to work on the future as a Marlie by somehow convincing head coach Greg Gilbert to nail top prospect Justin Pogge to the bench for the entire playoff run.

Redeeming qualities: Appeared in three games for the Leafs, winning one. Which is one whole game more than you or I have won.

Goalies who also received consideration:
Curtis Joseph (now redeemed), Mikhael Tellqvist, Trevor Kidd

Goalies who did not receive consideration:
Allan Bester. Yes, yes, I know, the Momesso goal in 1991. Believe me, I know, I was there. But Bester stood on his head for some truly terrible Leaf teams in the 1980s. He doesn't deserve scorn, he deserves a medal.

The Love Guru: Fact vs Fiction

The Love Guru opens today. As a big budget Hollywood blockbuster, the film will no doubt be seen by a lot of non-hockey fans. This is great news for the NHL, which needs all the publicity it can get.

However, as with any movie the Hollywood version has taken some liberties with reality. Movie goers may be left with some false impressions about the NHL in general and the Toronto Maple Leafs in specific. To avoid confusion, Down Goes Brown attempts to sort out fact and fiction.


Hollywood version: The Leafs' young superstar, Darren Roanoke, is African-American.

Real life: As any hockey fan knows, this is a politically correct Hollywood invention that can only be called pure fiction. The Leafs have never had a young superstar.


Hollywood version: All the Leafs problems are caused by their star player being estranged from his wife.

Real life: All the Leafs problems are caused by their star players being so whipped by their wives that they're not allowed to accept trades to contending teams. A few trial separations would be just what the doctor ordered.


Hollywood version: The Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

Real life: Yeah, not so much.


Hollywood version: In the crucial series between the Leafs and Kings, the hated villain is played by Justin Timberlake.

Real life: In the crucial series between the Leafs and Kings, the hated villain is played by Kerry Fraser.


Hollywood version: The Leafs are run by Jessica Alba, best known for a pair of boobs that everybody loves.

Real life: The Leafs are run by Larry Tannenbaum and Richard Peddie, best known as a pair of boobs that everybody hates.


Hollywood version: Bob Probert makes an appearance on the ice in Toronto, portraying himself.

Real life: Bob Probert makes an appearance on the ice in Toronto, portraying Wendel Clark's personal speed bag.


Hollywood version: The Leafs spend $2 million on Mike Myer's character in an attempt to win.

Real life: The Leafs spend $2 million on Andrew Raycroft in an attempt to lose.


Hollywood version: Jessica Simpson appears as herself: a whiny blond prima donna with an overinflated sense of entitlement who hasn't done anything noteworthy in two years and who everybody wishes would just go away.

Real life: Role played by Bryan McCabe.


Hollywood version: Verne Troyer portrays 32-inch-tall hockey coach, even though he isn't one in real life.

Real life: Kyle Wellwood portrays a 32-inch-tall second line center, even though he isn't one in real life.


Hollywood version: After the Leafs win the championship, everybody is happy.

Real life: After the Leafs win the championship, Damien Cox writes an angry column about how they should have done better.

Breaking news: Leafs talking trade with Ducks

As everyone knows, the NHL held its General Managers meeting on Monday. While the focus was on rule changes and the state of the game, it was only natural that several GMs took the time to touch base with their colleagues about potential trades.

Down Goes Brown has obtained an exclusive transcript of one such negotiation. Our spies caught Leafs GM Cliff Fletcher talking trade with Ducks GM Brian Burke. Here's how the conversation went.

(Scene: A distant corner of a fancy hotel lobby. Two men in suits sit by a small table, huddled in conversation.)

Fletcher: Hi Brian. Thanks for meeting with me. I always enjoy talking about trades.

Burke: Yes. I will enjoy this discussion, which is focused solely on a potential trade between our teams. And nothing else.

Fletcher: Of course.

Burke: Absolutely.

Fletcher: So, as you may know, the Maple Leafs are looking to improve our team.

Burke: Yes. I imagine you're focused on building a core of young players while divesting yourself of veteran salaries, clearing cap room while also rebuilding a culture of winning inside the dressing room. You're looking for players with a mix of skill and toughness, preferably Canadian players who aren't afraid to get their hands dirty and can adapt to a hard-nosed, playoff style approach. Oh, and stockpiling draft picks.

(Silence.)

Burke: I know that's what I would do if I was in your shoes.

Fletcher: Oddly enough, that's exactly what we're looking to do.

Burke: Good to hear.

(Cliff's phone rings. He looks at the incoming number.)

Fletcher: Oh, look, Ron Wilson is calling me. We've been planning to interview him for our head coaching vacancy. Say Brian, do you know Ron?

Burke: Actually, yes I do. We're very close friends. He's an excellent coach, and exactly the type of guy I would hire to coach the Maple Leafs, if I were involved in that process.

(Cliff writes something down on a notepad.)

Fletcher: So back to the trade talk. We'd love to acquire some good young players, and the Ducks have several. Would you be interested in adding some veteran talent? Or are you, Brian, more interested in building for the long-term in Anaheim?

Burke: I am not currently interested in building for the long-term in Anaheim.

Fletcher: Interesting.

Burke: My current focus is short-term.

Fletcher: As in...

Burke: Ideally a few weeks, maybe a month. One year at the absolute most.

Fletcher: Hmm...

Burke: But preferably nothing beyond the draft.

Fletcher: Good to know.

(Cliff's phone rings. He looks at the incoming number.)

Fletcher: Oh look, Dave Nonis is calling me. We're considering him for an assistant GM's role. Do you know Dave?

Burke: Yes I do, Cliff. He's a great guy, and would be an asset to your organization. I would strongly recommend hiring him as assistant to your new GM, whoever that should happen to be.

(Cliff writes something down on a notepad.)

Fletcher: So anyway... we have several players available. You've taken a look at our roster. Any interest in these guys?

Burke: To be honest, I'm not a big fan of most of them. Especially McCabe and Blake. I would not be interested in having these players on my roster. If they did somehow wind up on my team, I would probably make it a priority to move them immediately, in any way I could. I also wouldn't be interested in guys like Bell or Raycroft, although I imagine they'll be sent to the minors soon.

Fletcher: I imagine they will.

Burke: On the other hand, I like Kaberle. But I'm sure he's not available. He's probably untouchable, isn't he Cliff?

Fletcher: Yes he is, Brian.

(Gary Bettman walks by, spots Burke and Fletcher talking, and scurries over.)

Bettman: Hey! What are you guys talking about?

Burke: Just two GMs engaging in some friendly trade talk, Gary.

Fletcher: Nothing more.

Burke: Why? What did you think it was?

Bettman (suspicious): I'm watching you.

Fletcher: Hey Gary, I think they're showing an old NBA game on ESPN Classic over at the bar.

Bettman: Really? Oh goodie!

(Bettman hops up and down, claps his hands and scurries away excitedly.)

Fletcher: Well Brian, I'd love to continue this conversation, but I'm afraid I'm very busy. I have to call Ron Wilson and Dave Nonis, and then work on trading McCabe and Blake while focusing on acquiring youth and draft picks. I am so busy with these tasks, I will sadly be unable to interview any pontential new GMs until immediately after the draft, at the earliest.

Burke: That sounds like an excellent plan, Cliff. Meanwhile, I need to get back to my duties of ensuring that the Anaheim Ducks are in good shape for the next several weeks.

(Cliff's phone rings. He looks at the incoming number.)

Fletcher: Oh look, Richard Peddie is calling me.

Burke: Tell him to go fuck himself.

Fletcher: Will do. Talk to you soon, Brian.

Burke: Very, very soon.