Wednesday, December 2, 2009

When teammates attack: Other teammate-inflicted NHL injuries

Hockey injury
The Florida Panthers' playoff
chances: an interpretive dance
Keith Ballard is the talk of the hockey world today, thanks to his bizarre slash to the head that left teammate Tomas Vokoun bleeding on a stretcher.

But while Ballard is certainly an extreme case, he's not the first NHL player to accidentally cause an injury to a teammate. In fact, over the past few years the league has seen several regrettable incidents. Here's a look at some that had the biggest impact.

The player: Jonas Gustavsson
The injury: Heart arrhythmia due to repetitive trauma to the middle of his chest
What happened: Cumulative effect from a full month of facing Jason Blake in practice every day.

The player: Joe Thornton
The injury: Damaged windpipe due to choking
What happened: Unaware of strict internal rules regarding team meals, new teammate Dany Heatley mentions the word "playoffs".

The player: Andrei Markov
The injury: Sprained MCL
What happened: Repetitive strain of constantly having to drop to one knee to hold a conversation with the Habs' various offseason acquisitions.

The player: Brad Boyes
The injury: Severe hoof damage across his back
What happened: Wandered in between Keith Tkachuk and the post-game buffet.

The player: Alexei Ponikarovsky
The injury: Lower back pain, swollen ankles, and gestational diabetes
What happened: Accidentally made eye contact with Luke Schenn.

The player: Entire Vancouver Canucks defence
The injury: Second and third degree sunburns to the back of the neck.
What happened: Were forced to play an entire game in front of Andrew Raycroft.

The player: Rick DiPietro
The injury: Multiple fractures, torn ligaments, internal organ failure
What happened: Teammate Brendan Witt turned on a rotating fan in the dressing room, causing a light breeze.

The player: Marian Hossa
The injury: Lacerations to both wrists
What happened: New teammate Patrick Kane introduced himself by saying "Wow, you played for Pittsburgh and Detroit? Can I see your Cup rings?"

The player: Marc Staal
The injury: Impaired vision
What happened: Learning the details of Wade Redden's free agent contract caused eyes to cartoonishly pop out of head, detaching both retinas.

The player: Daniel Carcillo
The injury: Concussion
What happened: During a heated debate on the validity of the inferential thesis, Carcillo argues for Gibson's "ecological approach" to the conception of perception, leading Riley Cote (a known advocate of Fodor and Pylyshyn's stance that affordances presuppose direct perception and therefore can not be used to explain it) to hit him over the head with a folding chair.

The player: Chris Neil
The injury: Two broken ankles
What happened: Instinctively leapt out of eighth floor hotel window after Chris Phillips mentioned that the bellhop kind of looked like Colton Orr.

The player: Chris Drury
The injury: Existential crisis
What happened: Realization that Sean Avery continues to pull incredibly hot women forced him to question the very existence of a just and merciful god.

The player: Mike Fisher
The injury: Broken jaw and fractued orbital bone
What happened: Tried to keep a straight face when Daniel Alfredsson delivered his "Go ahead and write it, I guarantee we'll win the Cup" quote.




36 comments:

  1. Not to be nitpicky, but it's "Marian". Otherwise, great post.

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  2. The player: Jonas Gustavsson
    The injury: Heart arrhythmia due to repetitive trauma to the middle of his chest
    What happened: Cumulative effect from a full month of facing Jason Blake in practice every day.

    Blake caused trauma? His shot couldn't hurt an unprotected newborn baby.

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  3. I had to read that whole thing just to realize that there's no Kyle Wellwood jokes. I admire your discipline, DGB.

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  4. The Daniel Carcillo/Riley Cote one may have been the funniest thing you've ever written.

    Kudos, sir.

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  5. Why did you change the subtitle of your blog? It's kind of...boring now.

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  6. Oh god, I'm going to hell for laughing that hard at the picture.

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  7. Henrik Lundqvist
    Shoulder trouble.
    It's gotta be hurt, any goalie with a good shoulder can make the occasional glove save right?

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  8. @Anonymous...

    I changed it a few days ago. The old one didn't really seem to fit anymore. I'm open to suggestions for a new one.

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  9. You, sir, are one helluva funny guy!
    Yes - you!

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  10. Down Goes Brown: Where "Brian Burke" goes to die.

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  11. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  12. Chris Drury is getting paid $8M this year because he pitched a little league game 20 years ago. I don't think he gives a poop about Avery.

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  13. Oh, excellent. And I hadn't noticed the subtitle change yet, I guess it's appropriate.

    Anon. 1: Well, the Hawks fan behind me at the game last night couldn't remember Hossa's first name at all. But he was also a teenage boy who claimed "everybody loves shootouts!" (before we saw one)

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  14. DownGoesBrown- "Fuck it, we'll do it live!"

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  15. Agreed on the subtitle - it's far too vanilla.

    "Where funny happens."

    "Where snark happens."

    "Hockey Division of the International Sarcasm Society - Like We Need Your Support."

    "It could be worse - we could be Chicago Cubs fans!"

    Providing an internet home for the mentally deranged since [insert year here]."

    You can do better than that. :)

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  16. Down Goes Brown- Hockey insider blog, because Eklund sucks.

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  17. This is your best work in weeks! And you do damn good work.

    I am still laughing at the pic caption...

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  18. Al "Spurned Divorcee" IafrateDecember 3, 2009 at 4:04 AM

    Don't forget about me!

    Gary Leeman broke my heart back in '89 when I found his pants at my house.

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  19. Al "Spurned Divorcee" IafrateDecember 3, 2009 at 4:09 AM

    Got another one for your list:

    Shortly after leaving his pants at my house, Leeman broke his face during a conversation with John Kordic.

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  20. Epic! love the Carcillo/Cote one. I imagined them in tweed coats and smoking pipes before an open fire having a frank discussion. Thankfully folding chairs are readily available.
    Awesome post!

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  21. The player(s): Pogge, Raycoft, Toskala, Gustavsson.
    The injury: Anxiety disorder.
    What happened: Unable to withstand the soul-crushing gravity of playing in the Centre of the Hockey Universe, talented young goaltenders have their ability for self-assurance obilterated into dust by their coaches, teammates, fans, and media.

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  22. Al Fonz / Wild Thing:

    Hey Al, did you ever read this story about Kordic taking care of Leeman?

    http://books.google.ca/books?id=uffvaENL9HsC&lpg=PA164&ots=yEGG4fRcMT&dq=kordic%20leeman&pg=PA163#v=onepage&q=kordic%20leeman&f=false

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  23. "interpretive dance"

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    Christ I pulled a muscle laughing at that!!!!

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  24. Re: site tagline.

    Maybe I'll just start randomly changing it until I settle on something permanent.

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  25. oh god, glad to know i'm not the only one who killed themselves laughing at that pic subtitle! (which seems kinda distasteful, but w/e. too funny!)

    you do brilliant work dgb, keep it up!

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  26. Brilliant, AND I loved the Carcillo psychology insider babble :) Didn't know you were a perception guy.

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  27. re: Site Tagline

    You should sell the naming rights on eBay. Nah, scratch that, some douchebag from Calgary will probably buy it for $25 and the tagline will say something like "Turco roxXor5!!1elevtnty" for the next six months.

    How about "F*ck, Sh*t, P*ss!"?

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  28. Tkachuk for the buffet joke instead of Wellwood?

    Don't forget your roots man.

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  29. @PPP...

    But I like the new tag I got to use.

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  30. I'm probably just missing something, but I don't get the Poni or Canucks defence ones...

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  31. Bring back the old subtitle. I never would have come here if not directed by fellow Barilkosphere readers. If it's going to be a general hockey blog, fine as it is your money and intellectual property.

    The old sub just had an honest, decent sound to it.
    :(

    Also, the Carcillo one was uproariously funny.

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  32. I'm definitely not allowed to read this in a crowded computer lab anymore. And that picture caption will never not be funny.

    Awesome.

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  33. I see you're also in Ottawa.

    CFRA just had John Council a "Rudolph the Red Nosed Leafs fan" tune during some charity drive. It was perhaps more painful than seeing that gladiator come into their arena...and really, really bad.

    Whatever you do in life, spare yourself the pain of being a part of that gang. Even the soul-crushing defeats and missed playoff berths of the Leafs don't come close to being that...awkward.

    Pierre

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  34. i definitely laughed out loud at the pic caption. and i will likely burn for laughing so hard at the dipietro entry.

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  35. What, nothing on Matt Stajan getting a soccer ball to the face from (probably)Mitchell?

    But all in all, great list

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  36. Re: tagline...

    How about: "DownGoesBrown: Where TML are now three of the seven words you wish weren't said on television"...?

    No? Too soon? :-)

    Great blog DGB - I'll be vsisiting often!

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