Grab bag: Kesler vs. Johansen, boring Sens, Kessel vs. Phaneuf

In the Friday Grab Bag:
- Are the Senators boring?
- Ryan Johansen calls out Ryan Kesler, kind of
- An obscure player who was the first link between the Ducks and Predators
- The week's three comedy stars
- And we look back at Dion Phaneuf and Phil Kessel sharing some friendly banter about how much they hate each other

>> Read the full post at Vice Sports

Winners and losers from the 2012 NHL playoffs

"Wait. When coach said my ice time would
need to be much lower, maybe he meant..."

The Devils and Kings were at it again last night, with the Kings finally ending the series and claiming the first championship in franchise history. But while the Kings will understandably be dominating the league's headlines in the coming days, they're not the only team that's been busy over the past few months.

Between the three prior rounds of postseason play and all of the intrigue among teams that are already in off-season mode, there's been no shortage of news around the league since the season ended. After all, everyone wants to someday find themselves in the same spot the Kings and Devils were in last night, and they're willing to do whatever it takes to get there.

Of course, not every move turns out to be the right one. Here's a look at the some of the names that have been making news over the past two months, both positive and negative.

Winner: Tomas Vokoun, Pittsburgh Penguins - His new job as the backup to Marc-Andre Fleury is a perfect fit for an aging veteran coming off of an injury, since it means he won't have to play in any playoff games until six or seven minutes in.

Loser: Ilya Bryzgalov, Philadelphia Flyers - Had hoped to use this season to finally establish himself as a top-tier playoff goaltender, so will probably be devastated when someone eventually gets around to telling him that the Flyers were eliminated four weeks ago.

Winner: Tampa Bay Lightning - Their Norfolk Admirals farm team won the AHL's Calder Cup while gaining invaluable experience, such as figuring out how to pause the game, access the options and menu and turn offsides off.

Loser: Brendan Shanahan - Showed poor taste by having a fake Raffi Torres head mounted on the wall of his office, although you have to admit it's pretty neat how it occasionally blinks and whispers "please help me" in that oddly realistic way.

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Gary Bettman's Labor Day BBQ

They actually just repackaged the same
tools that Leaf fans got tired of two years ago.

Scene: A spacious backyard. Various hockey personalities are milling around, enjoying one final summer BBQ. The host wearing a "Kiss The Commissioner" apron, and greeting the guests as they arrive.

Gary Bettman: Colie, it's great to see you. Glad you could make it.

Colin Campbell: Oh, you know I'd never miss a Gary Bettman party. How's it going so far?

Bettman: Not bad. My world famous potato salad is a big hit.

Campbell: That's great. But shouldn't somebody have laid out all the paper plates and cutlery by now?

Bettman: Yeah, one of the players said they would do it.

Campbell: Well, whoever it was, they got started and then only finished about two-thirds of the job.

Bettman: They did what... uh oh. Sigh. Um, Brad?

Brad Richards (casually wandering by): Yeah Gary?

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The biggest free agent signings of 2011

Tomas Vokoun, moments after being informed
of the contract terms his agent just agreed to.

We're now twelve days into the NHL's free agency period, and the signings have slowed to a trickle. But while this year's free agent class was widely dismissed as the weakest in years, it did feature a handful of big name players who found new homes during the early frenzy.

Let's take a look back at some of the signings most likely to make an impact in the years to come.

Jaromir Jagr, Philadelphia

The good: Despite repeated requests over the years, wisely insisted on delaying his return to North America until he was absolutely positive his mullet was in game shape.
The bad: Forgotten sports stars attempting improbable comebacks rarely find success in Philadelphia until they've murdered a few dogs first.
Worth noting: Has previously played for the Penguins, Capitals and Rangers, meaning he's apparently aware of the same four NHL teams as Gary Bettman.

Tomas Vokoun, Washington

The good: Was willing to take an enormous discount from his expected contract value because he wanted to play on a team that could make a deep playoff run.
The bad: Due to a clerical error, wound up signing in Washington instead.
Worth noting: Will provide the Capitals with the best goaltending they've had since 1999, which is also presumably the year his agent was born.

Tim Connolly, Toronto

The good: Toronto is a perfect fit for a player with a history of concussions, since the ACC is the closest thing the league has to a permanent quiet room.
The bad: He recently compared the Maple Leafs to the New York Yankees, so he could be distracted by having every Yankee fan he meets from now on trying to punch him.
Worth noting: It may be a bad sign that the last time Brian Burke and Ron Wilson assembled this many Americans on one roster they became the only team in hockey history to lose a big game to Roberto Luongo.

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Behind the scenes of the Brad Richards bidding war

"Sure, give me a longterm mega-deal, what could go
wrong? Uh, why do you keep looking behind me?"

Friday marked the official start of NHL free agency, and all eyes were focused on Brad Richards. The former Dallas Star was unquestionably the biggest name available on the open market, and he quickly became the focus of an unprecedented bidding war.

As the day wore on, Richards reportedly narrowed his choices down to four teams: the Rangers, Kings, Maple Leafs and Flames. With various hockey media staking out his agent's office in Mississauga, the star centre huddled inside with advisors listening to detailed presentations from each of the candidates. After a gruelling day of negotiations and counter-offers, Richards eventually signed a nine-year, $60 million deal with the Rangers.

So what exactly happened behind those closed doors on Friday? As it turns out, DGB spies were present throughout the day and were able to capture some of the most notable moments from the day's proceedings.

12:01 pm - Although they agree to take him at his word that he's keeping an open mind, arriving representatives of the Flames, Leafs and Kings admit it may be a bad sign that Richards meets them at the door wearing a Rangers jersey.

12:34 pm - Despite some concern that Brian Burke would miss the Leafs' presentation while in Afghanistan to visit the troops, he is able to join thanks to the last-minute invention of a brand new technology known as the telephone.

1:12 pm - Flames' general manager Jay Feaster spend several minutes laughingly reminiscing with Richards about that time in Tampa Bay when they won the Stanley Cup because the refs didn't see the other team score the winning goal in overtime, while Jarome Iginla sits quietly between them with a single tear rolling down his cheek.

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Here's to the losers: Remembering the 2010-11 also-rans

Fact: Statisticians now count every goal
against Khabibulin as an empty-net goal.

We're into the final week of the NHL's marathon regular season. After six long months and over 1,000 games, the finish line is finally within sight and the playoffs are just days away.

Many teams are still fighting tooth and nail for the few remaining postseason spots. Others are struggling to improve their playoff seeding. A fortunate few are already locked into a spot at the top of the standings, and are focused on staying healthy over the season's final days in anticipation of long playoff runs.

And then, there are the sad sack teams with nothing to play for. The also-rans. The basement dwellers. This year brought us five teams that never managed so much as a meaningful late-season game. For fans of those teams, their only intrigue to the season came from calculating their odds for the draft lottery.

Those teams are all but forgotten now, but that's not fair. So before we move on to our post-season previews and playoff pools, let's take one last look back at the five teams who brought so much joy to the rest of the league by spending their season getting stomped every night.

Edmonton Oilers
Where it all went wrong: The team's talented rookie forwards were clearly overconfident, partly due to youth and inexperience but mostly due to shooting on Nikolai Khabibulin in practice every day.
Reason for optimism: Have plenty of cap room to sign free agents, which is great since that always works out really well for them.
Future outlook: Their embarrassing streak of being the sixth best team in all of Canada will almost certainly come to an end next year, once the Coyotes move to Winnipeg.

New York Islanders
Where it all went wrong: The season got off to a rough start when the team revealed their plan to ice a roster consisting entirely of New York Islanders.
Reason for optimism: Team doctors are optimistic that injured star goaltender Rick DiPietro can recover in time to get hurt in next year's season opener.
Future outlook: The team is on the right track and the future is bright, you think, if you want to keep your press pass.

Colorado Avalanche
Where it all went wrong: While it was only natural to look for a scapegoat after last year's disappointing playoff loss to the Sharks, it was probably a bad idea to fire the guy in charge of reminding the players not to get injured all the time.
Reason for optimism: Even through the tough times, the team's young players have stuck together. For example, just the other night they all told Paul Stastny to go out there and break a leg, and… hey wait guys, he does know that's a figure of speech, right?
Future outlook: Will need to regroup quickly if they want to be ready for Peter Forsberg's next comeback.

Florida Panthers
Where it all went wrong: It hasn't; the 20-year rebuilding plan is proceeding exactly according to schedule.
Reason for optimism: Should finish around .500 next year, assuming the NHL adopts their "get one point for a regulation loss, too" proposal.
Future outlook: Their offseason will begin in just five more days, according to that giant calendar hanging in Tomas Vokoun's locker right above his packed suitcase.

Ottawa Senators
Where it all went wrong: In hindsight, Cory Clouston's plea to the players to treat every game like a playoff game was a bad idea.
Reason for optimism: Newly acquired Craig Anderson has established himself as the best goaltender in recent franchise history, since he seems to remember which direction to face without his defencemen constantly reminding him.
Future outlook: Most experts agree with owner Eugene Melnyk's recent prediction that the team can return to contention quickly, in that sense that in an infinite universe seven or eight years isn't really all that long.

When teammates attack: Other teammate-inflicted NHL injuries

The Florida Panthers' playoff
chances: an interpretive dance

Keith Ballard is the talk of the hockey world today, thanks to his bizarre slash to the head that left teammate Tomas Vokoun bleeding on a stretcher.

But while Ballard is certainly an extreme case, he's not the first NHL player to accidentally cause an injury to a teammate. In fact, over the past few years the league has seen several regrettable incidents. Here's a look at some that had the biggest impact.

The player: Jonas Gustavsson
The injury: Heart arrhythmia due to repetitive trauma to the middle of his chest
What happened: Cumulative effect from a full month of facing Jason Blake in practice every day.

The player: Joe Thornton
The injury: Damaged windpipe due to choking
What happened: Unaware of strict internal rules regarding team meals, new teammate Dany Heatley mentions the word "playoffs".

The player: Andrei Markov
The injury: Sprained MCL
What happened: Repetitive strain of constantly having to drop to one knee to hold a conversation with the Habs' various offseason acquisitions.

The player: Brad Boyes
The injury: Severe hoof damage across his back
What happened: Wandered in between Keith Tkachuk and the post-game buffet.

The player: Alexei Ponikarovsky
The injury: Lower back pain, swollen ankles, and gestational diabetes
What happened: Accidentally made eye contact with Luke Schenn.

The player: Entire Vancouver Canucks defence
The injury: Second and third degree sunburns to the back of the neck.
What happened: Were forced to play an entire game in front of Andrew Raycroft.

The player: Rick DiPietro
The injury: Multiple fractures, torn ligaments, internal organ failure
What happened: Teammate Brendan Witt turned on a rotating fan in the dressing room, causing a light breeze.

The player: Marian Hossa
The injury: Lacerations to both wrists
What happened: New teammate Patrick Kane introduced himself by saying "Wow, you played for Pittsburgh and Detroit? Can I see your Cup rings?"

The player: Marc Staal
The injury: Impaired vision
What happened: Learning the details of Wade Redden's free agent contract caused eyes to cartoonishly pop out of head, detaching both retinas.

The player: Daniel Carcillo
The injury: Concussion
What happened: During a heated debate on the validity of the inferential thesis, Carcillo argues for Gibson's "ecological approach" to the conception of perception, leading Riley Cote (a known advocate of Fodor and Pylyshyn's stance that affordances presuppose direct perception and therefore can not be used to explain it) to hit him over the head with a folding chair.

The player: Chris Neil
The injury: Two broken ankles
What happened: Instinctively leapt out of eighth floor hotel window after Chris Phillips mentioned that the bellhop kind of looked like Colton Orr.

The player: Chris Drury
The injury: Existential crisis
What happened: Realization that Sean Avery continues to pull incredibly hot women forced him to question the very existence of a just and merciful god.

The player: Mike Fisher
The injury: Broken jaw and fractued orbital bone
What happened: Tried to keep a straight face when Daniel Alfredsson delivered his "Go ahead and write it, I guarantee we'll win the Cup" quote.