12 of NHL history's greatest record-breaking goals, ranked from worst to best

With the Alex Ovechkin goals chase now down to single digits, it no longer feels like a question of if he’ll break Wayne Gretzky’s mark this season, but rather when.

We’ve already covered that question, a few weeks back. But there’s a second, and maybe even more important question that’s now looming: Will the record-breaking goal be any good?

The NHL is already worrying about this, especially the possibility that the record-breaker falls victim to their very bad and nit-picky replay review system. Other fans have been openly antagonizing the hockey gods with ideas for the most Team Chaos-worthy way the record could fall. (Personally, I’m a big fan of the “Ovechkin has an empty-net look against the Penguins but Sidney Crosby throws his stick for an automatic goal, meaning Sid's the one who actually ‘scores’ the record-breaker” scenario.)

Whatever happens, it will be a cool moment. But how cool? Just in case Ovechkin is looking for inspiration, today’s column is going to look at a dozen historic NHL goals that broke an important record. To be clear, we’re not worried about individual milestones, or important game-winners or sudden death snipes. We want the guys who broke a significant record, did it with a goal, and did it in style. Just like how we all hope Ovechkin will over the next few weeks.

We’ll use a modified version of the scale we established for the goalie goals ranking, with an emphasis on the creativity and/or skill of the goal itself. We’ll go from worst to best, which means there’s really only one pick for 12th spot…

>> Read the full post at The Athletic

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Emails with Lozo: Predicting the trade deadline

The following is from an email exchange between Dave Lozo and Sean McIndoe (Down Goes Brown). Each month they will talk some nonsense and debate the biggest topics in the NHL in our monthly review. You can also check out the Biscuits podcast with Sean and Dave as they discuss the events of the week.

Hi Dave...

It's time for our monthly roundup of the NHL, in which we cover the key stories, make incorrect predictions, and generally complain. Mostly the latter.

Let's start with a topic we know pretty well, because we just released a book on it: the NHL's greatest 100 players. The league released its list over All-Star weekend, naming 100 legends as the best of the best. We put together a list of our own, and went the extra step of ranking it. That resulted in an ebook that's now available for purchase.

Having spent the time to research and build out a list of our own, we're on solid ground to take shots at the league's version. So how'd they do? What were the worst picks and/or snubs on the NHL's official list?

---

Lozo: Bad picks: Jonathan Toews, Patrick Kane, Mike Modano, Mike Gartner, Adam Oates, Jacques Lemaire, Grant Fuhr.

Shoulda been picks: Evgeni Malkin, Jarome Iginla, Joe Thornton, Henrik Lundqvist, Dale Hawerchuk, Pierre Pilote, Zdeno Chara.

READ MORE: Evgeni Malkin's Top 100 Snub Is a Damn Travesty

I won't go into detail about why the bad picks were bad, but the NHL seemed like it wanted to reward Cups instead of the quality of player. Except the Cup-less Gartner, which was odd, since the Rangers trading him away in 1994 was a big reason why they won the Cup.

Dudes who played most of their careers in the 1980s were rewarded more than anyone else, probably because the "blue ribbon" panel was made up mostly of people who grew up on that hockey. Did you see the highlights they showed from that era? Guys were scoring on 20-foot backhanders along the ice because goaltenders were about as skilled as your kid brother using pillows as leg pads after getting into the cough syrup.

Top 100 snub? Photo by Charles LeClaire-US TODAY Sports

Our list, however, is flawless and available everywhere e-books are sold.

---

DGB: Yeah, the focus on the 80s was a bit strange, especially coming at the expense of today's players. I think we'd all assumed that the NHL would put a thumb on the scale and make sure that the current generation was well-represented. That only makes sense—you're doing this as a marketing exercise, so market the guys who fans can actually still pay money to see.

Instead, we got the big three of Crosby/Ovechkin/Jagr, and then a bunch of Blackhawks. That's just weird. I guess the league really did just tally up the panel's votes and go with that.

By the way, James Mirtle had the full list of who was on the panel. With maybe one or two exceptions, it's pretty much a who's who of knowledgeable hockey people. But it's definitely an old-school group, and the old school does love their Cups.

I agree with most of your picks, although I was fine with Fuhr and I think the case of Gartner and even Oates is a decent one. Modano is a strange one, though. I don't know about you, but he's the one guy I got the most feedback on after we left him off our list. I thought we'd get it from outraged Blackhawks fans because we didn't include Toews, or even old-time Habs fans who were mad about Bob Gainey or Henri Richard.

Nope. Instead, it was Modano who people thought was a slam dunk. A guy who played for 20 years, had one second-team All-Star nod, and never cracked the top five in MVP voting even once. If he's not American, I'm not even sure he's in the conversation at all, but people I heard from couldn't fathom a list without him.

Did you have anyone like that where you got unexpected feedback?

---

>> Read the full post at Vice Sports

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New book:
THE 100 GREATEST PLAYERS IN NHL HISTORY (AND OTHER STUFF): AN ARBITRARY COLLECTION OF ARBITRARY LISTS

Buy it today: Amazon.com | Amazon.ca | iBooks

Grab bag: World Cup trade deadline day

In the Friday Grab Bag:
- We're making some World Cup trades. No, it doesn't make any sense, just go with it.
- Debating team North America
- And obscure player joins the Double Name Club
- Looking back at Team USA's 1996 World Cup run
- And a YouTube look back at the game that started it all: NHL 92

>> Read the full post at Vice Sports

Five times that something actually happened in August

The calendar has flipped over to August, which means that all around the NHL, teams are hard at work on…

Wait! Come back! Don’t close the page!

Look, we get it. August is the worst month on the NHL calendar by a mile. Almost all the big offseason moves have already happened, training camp is still weeks away, and it seems like everyone who matters is away at a cottage somewhere.

But it’s not actually true that “nothing happens in August.” Almost nothing, sure, we’ll grant you that. But the NHL history book’s entry for the month isn’t completely blank. So today, let’s look back on some of the newsworthy moments that have happened in August, and whether there’s any hope of something similar going down this year.

A BIG NAME FREE AGENT SIGNING

While it’s rare to see a major free agent sign in August, it has happened. Some seem minor at the time and only loom larger with the benefit of hindsight, like the Penguins’ scooping up Matt Cullen last year. But sometimes, the player involved is a genuine star.

Historical precedent: Mike Modano signed with the Red Wings on August 5, 2010, and Owen Nolan joined the Coyotes on August 16, 2006. Granted, both guys were well past their prime when they signed, but they were still stars. And there is a precedent for an elite player in his prime signing a UFA deal in August. Scott Niedermayer did just that with the Ducks on August 4, 2005. And plenty of other big names signed in August that year too, including Peter Forsberg, Eric Lindros and Paul Kariya.

See? It can happen! There’s hope!

(This is the part where we hope you won’t notice that 2005 was the year that the season-long lockout pushed the start of free agency back to August 1.)

Odds of it happening this year: Huh. Well…. [checks list of remaining free agents]… do Kris Russel or Jiri Hudler count as a big names? Because if not, we may be out of luck, at least until the Jimmy Vesey sweepstakes kick in.

>> Read the full post at The Hockey News

Grab bag: When North Stars fade away

In the Friday Grab Bag:
- How the Dennis Wideman case might be screwing things up for every future suspension
- Don Maloney kind of sort of admits to tanking
- An obscure player who reminds us to be careful at the trade deadline
- A country music star makes the comedy stars
- And a YouTube breakdown of the North Stars saying goodbye to Minnesota, in just about the saddest way possible

>> Read the full post at Vice.com

The NHL's Kobes: Ten legends who held on too long

The big sports story of the weekend: Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant announced that this will be his final season. He made the announcement Sunday, then went out and had the chance to tie the game on a dramatic, last-second shot. It did not go well.

That has led to plenty of talk about how Bryant has held on too long. You never want to say a player should have retired before he or she was ready -- after all, their job is to play. And if someone is still willing to pay them to do it, they're under no obligation to go out on our terms. But it's probably fair to see that some players' final years end up being, um, slightly below peak productivity. Yes, let's go with that.

That's true for the NHL, too, of course. Sometimes, a legendary player ends his career with an exclamation point. And sometimes, the end comes as more of an ellipsis, trailing off into an awkward silence, followed by a shrug and a "never mind."

So, in an effort to make Kobe feel better about how things are ending, here are 10 examples of NHL legends whose final seasons didn't quite meet the high standards they'd established over the rest of their careers.

Brett Hull

It's fun to remember him as: Perhaps the greatest pure goal scorer the league has ever seen.

So let's forget the part where: ... he tried to hang on for one more post-lockout year with the Arizona Coyotes.

In his prime, Hull was the answer to the question "What would happen if a guy with the goal-scoring skills and instincts of Alexander Ovechkin played in an era where you could actually score goals?" That answer involved three straight seasons with 70-plus goals and a grand total of 741 career goals.

But none of those goals came with the Coyotes. Hull signed a two-year contract with the team as a free agent in 2004, then saw the first year of the deal wiped out by the lockout. When play resumed in 2005, a 41-year-old Hull didn't exactly look like a great fit for the new, faster NHL, and he lasted just five games before calling it quits.

Hull was all sorts of fun to watch for the better part of two decades. But when your retirement headline includes the words "effective immediately," you've probably held on too long.

Martin Brodeur

It's fun to remember him as: One of the most decorated goaltenders of all time, a three-time champion and the league's ultimate "can't-picture-him-in-any-other-uniform" guy.

So let's forget the part where: ... he tried a seven-game comeback with the St. Louis Blues.

Brodeur spent 21 years with the New Jersey Devils, winning three Cups, earning a trophy case full or hardware and firmly establishing himself as a Devils legend. When he and the franchise parted ways after the 2014 season and he made it through the offseason without signing elsewhere, hockey fans celebrated a terrific career while breathing a sigh of relief that we wouldn't have to see the NHL's "Willie Mays-as-a-Met" moment.

But then came December and a call from the Blues. St. Louis already had Jake Allen, and Brian Elliott was on his way back from a knee injury, but they wanted another experienced goalie because, well, nobody was quite sure, but that's a story for another time.

Brodeur came in, started five games, and played fine. He wasn't good, but he didn't embarrass himself. But when Elliott returned a month later, Brodeur dropped to third on the depth chart and never played again. He retired midseason and took a front-office job in St. Louis.

>> Read the full post on ESPN.com

Beleskey and Dubinsky show how far the league has come

After a relatively quiet first few weeks of the season, the department of player safety was back in the spotlight over the weekend, faced with decisions on two controversial plays: Brandon Dubinsky's crosscheck to Sidney Crosby's neck and Matt Beleskey's late hit that injured Derek Stepan.

The verdicts: One game for Dubinsky and nothing at all for Beleskey. The reaction, as always: Frustration, eye rolls and plenty of criticism that the league just isn’t doing enough to get questionable hits out of the game.

The department has an important job, and because of that they deserve to be scrutinized. For my money, I thought Dubinsky got off too lightly with a one-game suspension, and I gave my thoughts on the Beleskey hit as it happened. I’d like to see the DOPS hand out harsher suspensions overall, although that's something that will only happen when their bosses -- the league’s 30 teams -- give them the go-ahead to start doing so.

But after we’re done shaking our heads over another round of relatively light sentences, let’s do something else. Let’s take a step back and recognize how far this league has come in recent years. Because, when it comes to discipline and player safety, the current lay of the land, imperfect as it is, would be all but unrecognizable to fans even a generation ago.

>> Read the full post on ESPN.com

The dirtiest clean hits of all-time

Well, we knew it couldn’t last. The NHL’s department of player safety has finally had to get back to business.

It can thank San Jose enforcer John Scott, who left the bench to start a fight in Sunday’s game between the Ducks and Sharks, earning himself a two-game suspension. It was the first ban for an on-ice infraction all year, including the preseason, ending an almost unheard-of period of peace and quiet for our friends in the department of player safety.

In recognition of the recent stretch of leaguewide good behavior, let’s take a look back at some other incidents from NHL history that also didn’t earn a suspension. Of course, circumstances were a little different back then. For all the criticism the department of player safety comes under these days for just about any suspension it hands out (and especially the ones it doesn’t), it’s fair to say that today’s players don’t get away with anywhere near as much as they used to.

As evidence, consider the five hits below. None were deemed worthy of a suspension at the time. Today, that probably wouldn’t be the case. So let’s take a look back at some of the dirtiest clean hits of all time.

Matt Cooke on Marc Savard, March 7, 2010

The hit: We might as well get the obvious one out of the way first.

This was the hit that literally changed the sport, or at least its rulebook. Matt Cooke’s blindside hit of Marc Savard was vicious, dangerous, and unnecessary, a blatant attempt to injure a defenseless opponent. It was also, strictly speaking, legal. It wasn’t an elbow or a charge, it wasn’t especially late, and Cooke didn’t leave his feet. As much as the hit turned everyone’s stomach, there was nothing in the rulebook that said it was dirty.¹

The verdict, then: No suspension, since the play didn’t technically break any rules and similar hits had always been deemed clean. But in an era in which we were beginning to understand the seriousness of concussions, it sure seemed like Cooke’s hit should have been suspendable, and even Don Cherry wanted him gone. It led to the introduction of Rule 48 the following offseason, which made it illegal to hit a player in the head from the blind side.

The verdict, now: If Cooke did it? He’d be out of the league. That’s not an exaggeration; after Cooke was busted for targeting the head yet again a year later, the league made it clear he had to change his game or find a new job. To his credit, for the most part he has.² But if he ever throws another hit like this one, they’ll have the nameplate off his locker before the whistle finishes blowing.

If it was someone other than Cooke, we’d see a lengthy suspension that would depend partly on the resulting injury and the offending player’s history. Rule 48 is still poorly understood by many fans, and it’s led to plenty of debate over just how severe the resulting bans should be, but to its credit, the league has done a good job of making it clear that blindside hits to the head are no longer tolerated.

Which is a good thing, because those hits used to happen all the time, and sometimes they were really ugly, as we’ll see in our next clip.

Mark Messier on Mike Modano, February 26, 1994

The hit: Early in the third period of a 1994 regular-season game between the Stars and Rangers, Mike Modano cuts across the blue line and momentarily looks down for a pass in his skates. New York’s Mark Messier catches him with his head down.

Ignore the stuff with the stretcher that happens at the end of the video. The hit itself is a classic blindside, as Modano is in a defenseless position and Messier delivers a …

[Realizes everyone is just skipping ahead to the stretcher part anyways.]

Sigh. Yes, this is the infamous clip in which the medical staff drops Modano’s stretcher. Go ahead and watch that part 30 or 40 times if you must, but we’re not going to make fun of it here because we’re a little more mature than that, thank you very much. (And, uh, we already covered it frame by frame a few months ago.)

So Modano is in a defenseless position and Messier delivers a shoulder to the head that appears to knock him out cold. To make matters worse, Modano’s helmet comes off and he hits the back of his head on the ice, opening up a bad gash. He suffered a concussion and missed several games.

The verdict, then: No penalty, no fine, no suspension. Also, Modano’s own GM defended the play, saying, “I don’t know if it was so much a hit as Mike turned and skated right into him.” That’s a real quote. The whole incident was probably the most mind-boggling thing Messier was ever involved in, right up until that commercial that came out a few weeks ago in which he’s standing in a room full of Canucks fans and none of them are throwing garbage at him.

The verdict, now: In 1994, this was considered a clean hit. Today, it would be a classic Rule 48, and the resulting injury would make a hefty suspension all but inevitable. As a star player, Messier would get some benefit of the doubt. But he also had a history of questionable plays on his record, including a 10-game suspension for sucker punching Jamie Macoun in 1985. He’d get at least that much for this hit, and probably more.

(By the way, this wasn’t even the most ridiculous non-suspension hit against a Dallas Stars player in 1994. More on that in a minute.)

>> Read the full post on Grantland

Grab bag: The night the paramedics dropped the mike

The grab bag: Comedy stars; pro-hockey memes; the Ballad of Builder Lego; the long change will save us all; Don Cherry lives; and the night the paramedics dropped the Mike.

>> Read the full post on Grantland

The Alfredsson dilemma: How other returning stars have been welcomed back

The biggest game on this week’s NHL schedule will be one of the last: Sunday night’s matchup between the Senators and Red Wings in Ottawa. While there will probably be better contests, there won’t be a more emotional one, as the game will mark the first time that longtime Senator captain Daniel Alfredsson will play in Ottawa since signing with Detroit in the offseason.

That signing was a shock at the time, and it has led to an ugly divorce between Alfredsson and the Senators, with both sides accusing the other of putting money ahead of loyalty. All of which leads to the inevitable question: What kind of reception will Alfredsson get from Ottawa fans?

In an era when fewer and fewer players spend their entire career with one team, Alfredsson’s situation is far from unique. In just the past decade alone, we’ve seen several high-profile stars return to the city where they made their name. Some got a hero’s welcome. Others got something very different.

What should Alfredsson expect? Let’s look at five possibilities, as helpfully demonstrated by other stars from recent years.

Option 1: We hate you! (i.e., the Dany Heatley)

The backstory: Alfredsson won’t be the first player that Ottawa fans get to welcome back under less-than-ideal circumstances. Whether it’s Alexandre Daigle, Alexei Yashin, Marian Hossa, or Bryan Berard, there’s something about the Senators franchise that tends to lead to ugly breakups.

Heatley's may have been the ugliest. He’d established himself as one of the best players in Senators history, recording back-to-back 50-goal seasons in the first two years after the lockout. But after the 2008-09 season, Heatley told the Senators that he wanted to be traded. To this day, he has never explained exactly why he wanted out, though a personality conflict with then-coach Cory Clouston is the main suspect.

To make matters worse, Heatley used his no-trade clause to block a deal to the Oilers that the Senators liked better than San Jose’s eventual offer — delaying a move long enough to force Ottawa to cough up a $4 million roster bonus.

The return: The Sharks weren’t scheduled to visit Ottawa during the 2009-10 season, so Heatley’s first game back didn’t come until well more than a year after the trade. If he was hoping that time would heal some wounds, he underestimated Senator fans.

The last laugh: At first, it seemed to be all Heatley’s. He played well in his first year in San Jose, while Clouston was out of the NHL by 2011. But Heatley’s play gradually dropped, and the Sharks dealt him to the Wild after only two seasons. These days, he’s been seeing fourth-line duty in Minnesota.

Meanwhile, the main piece the Senators got back in the trade — winger Milan Michalek — is still in the Ottawa lineup and has been more productive than Heatley since the deal.

(Other examples: Chris Pronger returning to Edmonton, Phil Kessel returning to Boston, and Ilya Kovalchuk returning to Atlanta.)

Chances it happen to Alfredsson: Better than you’d think — there’s a surprisingly strong number of Sens fans who feel that their former captain stabbed them in the back, and who have no desire to forgive and forget. The “should Alfredsson get a ‘welcome back’ scoreboard video” debate has been going strong in Ottawa for weeks, and emotions are running so high this week that there have been reports of people getting their coworkers’ Tim Hortons order wrong without apologizing quite as profusely as normal.

>> Read the full post on Grantland

Hidden NHL playoff injuries revealed

I'm gonna make someone's upper body
bleed for super fan 99 over here.

Injuries are a touchy subject during the NHL playoffs. After a gruelling regular season and the unmatched intensity of postseason action, it's inevitable that many players will be banged up. But good luck getting that confirmed by anyone associated with an organization.

At most, we may hear the old hockey cliché about a player having an injury to their "upper body" or "lower body" -- and that's only if team acknowledges the injury at all. Even when players are obviously hurt and have missed games, coaches still insist that everyone is day-to-day.

Of course, it's a different story once a team has been eliminated. When their season is over and there's no further reason to protect a player's status, teams will often reveal a long list of injuries and other health problems - many of which fans hadn't even suspected.

This year has been no different, as several star players revealed that they'd been playing hurt during the postseason. Here are some examples of what we've found out about each of the eliminated teams.

Washington Capitals - Nicklas Backstrom had various bumps and bruises from everyone accidentally walking into him all the time, which was to be expected given that he became invisible as soon as the regular season ended.

Philadelphia Flyers - In a strange coincidence, all three of our goalies had badly torn rotator cuffs in their "fishing the puck out of the net" shoulders.

Chicago Blackhawks - Chris Campoli was playing through some sort of problem with whatever part of the eyeball it is that's supposed to tell the difference between white and blue uniforms in overtime.

Read the rest of this post...

2010-11 Western Conference Preview

In the second of a two-part series, season preview week continues with a look at the Western Conference. (If you missed it, the Eastern Confence preview is here.)

Edmonton Oilers
The good: Just like every other team, will be tied for first place when the puck drops on opening night.
The bad: Will somehow be eight points out of a playoff spot by the next morning.
What to watch: Are expected to trade Sheldon Souray, which will be great since the bag of pucks they currently use at practice needs replacing.

Phoenix Coyotes
The good: Eastern-based hockey media agree that the team has an excellent lineup, featuring Shane Doan, Ilya Bryzgalov, and, um… you know, all those other guys.
The bad: There's absolutely no evidence that their owners know anything about hockey.
What to watch: Unless it's the playoffs, the guy at the sports bar asking you to "toss the snake" may not actually be a Coyotes fan.

Dallas Stars
The good: Have promised their long-suffering fans that they'll play half of their games in other cities this year.
The bad: The departure of Marty Turco is expected to drain the self-confidence of forwards who were used to practicing against him.
What to watch: The inspirational Mike Ribeiro, who continues to suit up despite suffering an apparent career ending injury on every third shift.

St. Louis Blues
The good: Continue to exist, you're pretty sure now that you stop and think about it.
The bad: Their new starting goalie once lost his job to Carey Price, so how good could he be?
What to watch: The confused look on their fans' faces when they see Blackhawk fans celebrating with that big weird trophy thing.

Colorado Avalanche
The good: Shocked the hockey world last year by achieving something few observers had believed possible.
The bad: It was losing to the Sharks in a playoff series.
What to watch: Coach Joe Sakic, who modestly insists that you call him "Joe" instead of "Mr. Sakic" and actually seems to get kind of touchy about it after a while, come to think of it.

Los Angeles Kings
The good: Refused to meet Ilya Kovalchuk's contract demands in free agency, greatly reducing the chances that you'll be forced to stay up to watch Stanley Cup finals games on pacific time.
The bad: In hindsight, Barry Melrose pretty much ruined the mullet for everyone.
What to watch: Drew Doughty, the current consensus pick the win the Norris, the Hart, the Vezina, and the Biletnikoff.

Anaheim Ducks
The good: Don't have any cap problems, unless you count Ryan Getzlaf's refusal to cover up his bald spot.
The bad: Will be without their #1 defenceman, Scott Niedermayer, as well as their #2 defenceman, Scott Niedermayer's beard.
What to watch: The "flying V" strategy from the Mighty Ducks movies would be called offside every time, which really has nothing to do with Anaheim but has always sort of bothered me.

Minnesota Wild
The good: The departure of Derek Boogard means the dressing room stereo can finally be used for pregame music again, instead of all those damn Stephen Hawking audiobooks.
The bad: A recent exhibition game produced the first non-sellout in the franchise's ten year history, proving conclusively that US expansion can never succeed.
What to watch: Josh Harding if he's standing anywhere near you, because you know that lightning strike is on its way.

Nashville Predators
The good: Consistently choose really good teams to lose to in the first round.
The bad: Shea Weber slapshots have been known to go through the net, end boards, several rows of stands, and crucial load-bearing arena walls.
What to watch: Coach Barry Trotz, an honourable man who would never fail to stick his neck out for his players if he had one.

Columbus Blue Jackets
The good: Are a team that absolutely nobody cares about, so you can safely ignore them when writing a preview.
The bad: I mean, you still need to put some text in there. You can't just leave a blank space, people would notice that. But you can write pretty much anything you want because nobody will read it.
What to watch: Note to self, Post editors may be getting suspicious of the embezzling. Find a temporary new source of funding for lavish gifts for the mistress.

San Jose Sharks
The good: In last year's first round series against the Avalanche, silenced critics who called them playoff chokers by scoring an NHL record five game-winning goals.
The bad: It's their fault that you're able to have an intelligent conversation with your wife about the pros and cons of the color teal.
What to watch: Dany Heatley makes his return to Ottawa on December 2, giving Senator fans a chance to boo somebody out of the building other than Daniel Alfredsson during every Leafs game.

Calgary Flames
The good: They kept their own first round pick this year, which is great news since they will be terrible.
The bad: They'll also have the fourth round pick of whichever team they panic and trade Jarome Iginla to.
What to watch: Jay Bouwmeester, the greatest postseason performer in hockey history as far as anyone knows.

Detroit Red Wings
The good: Chris Osgood has inspired a generation of hockey players by winning three Stanley Cup rings despite being born without the ability to be an adequate NHL starting goaltender.
The bad: They finally got the old man smell out of Chris Chelios' locker, and then along comes Mike Modano.
What to watch: Mike Babcock's angry face, if you need to get rid of some hiccups.

Chicago Blackhawks
The good: Saw their 50-year rebuilding plan pay off a whole season ahead of schedule.
The bad: Marian Hossa may be a little fatigued, since he's had about fifteen total days of offseason in the past three years.
What to watch: Patrick Kane doesn't seem to have gained any arm strength this offseason, even though whenever you ask him how he spent his summer he says something about lots of 12 oz curls and then high fives you.

Vancouver Canucks
The good: Now that he's been stripped of the captaincy, Roberto Luongo will no longer spend the majority of every practice working on his ceremonial faceoff technique.
The bad: After last year's Stephane Auger controversy, referees can no longer try to "get" Alex Burrows during games, and will now have to resort to running him over in the parking lot.
What to watch: The team enjoys a spirited rivalry with the Blackhawks, in much the same way that cake enjoys a spirited rivalry with a fat kid on his birthday.

Off-season winners and losers - 2010

Unlike Kyle Wellwood, the road was signed.

August is traditionally the dead zone on the NHL's calendar, and this year seems to be no different. While we're still weeks away from the start of training camps, it's fair to say the most of the off-season action is long gone.

That makes this a good time for some reflection. With the draft complete, several trades in the books and most of the major free agents signed, the league's teams have had plenty of opportunities to reshape their rosters. And as always, some did a better job than others.

Let's take a look back at some of the NHL's biggest winners and losers from this summer.

Winners

New York Rangers - Their annual "free agent signing which everyone agrees was the most outrageously over-priced mistake of the summer" ended up being a lot cheaper than usual this year.

Calgary Flames - Signed free agent Olli Jokinen, finally filling the "over-paid third line center" void created by the deadline day trading of Olli Jokinen.

Washington Capitals - Moved quickly to address the biggest reason for last year's crushing post-season disappointment by somehow convincing the Montreal Canadiens to trade Jaroslav Halak to the Western conference.

Atlanta Thrashers - Acquired several players from Chicago's Stanley Cup-winning roster, ensuring that for the first time in sports history a Google search for "Atlanta" and "Hawks" and "championship" will not yield zero results.

Buffalo Sabres - Didn't allow trivial distractions such as trades or free agency signings to sidetrack them from what was really important: Calling Ryan Miller every day to ask "Just checking, but you're still our starting goalie, right?"

Ottawa Senators - Announced the hiring of 51-year old Rick Wamsley as goaltending coach, immediately making him the best goalie in franchise history.

Columbus Blue Jackets - Acquired winger Ethan Moreau who, as a former Edmonton Oilers captain, will no doubt provide his new teammates with invaluable feedback on what not to do.

Detroit Red Wings - Boosted their offensive depth chart with the signing of free agent center Mike Modano, who is presumably the son of that guy who was really good for the Minnesota North Stars back in the early 90s.

Losers

New Jersey Devils - Foolishly based entire free agency strategy on the assumption that the specific terms of the CBA would be adhered to.

Toronto Maple Leafs - Their savvy acquisition of Brett Ledba to fill the role of seventh defenseman was offset somewhat by the fact that their first-line center on opening night will also be Brett Lebda.

Chicago Blackhawks - Were forced to part ways with nine regulars due to the salary cap, and now face the daunting task of somehow defending their championship with only Jonathan Toews, Duncan Keith, Patrick Kane, Marion Hossa, Patrick Sharp, Brent Seabrook and a half-dozen other stars.

Florida Panthers - Despite best efforts, have likely not done enough to satisfy the expectations of their die-hard fan.

Vancouver Canucks - Lost backup goaltender Andrew Raycroft to free agency but have yet to find a replacement equally skilled at stopping NHL shooters, such as a wet sheet of paper mache.

Los Angeles Kings - In hindsight, attempt to boost employee morale by giving entire front office staff the summer off may have been a mistake.

Boston Bruins - Short-sightedly drafted future franchise player Tyler Seguin with the top two pick acquired from Toronto, leaving virtually no room on roster for franchise players available with Toronto's top two pick in 2011.

Behind the scenes at the Team USA Olympic orientation camp

Team USA kicked off its Olympic orientation camp today in Woodridge, Ill. While the day included a practice that was open to the public, the first event was a private meeting between players and team management.

DGB spies were in attendance, and were able to obtain this top secret transcript of that meeting.

(Coach Ron Wilson blows a whistle and 35 players take a knee at center ice. Team USA General Manager Brian Burke steps forward to address the team.)

Brian Burke: I want to thank everyone for coming to our orientation camp. I'm just going to say a few quick words before I turn you over to Coach Wilson here. I want you all to know that it's an honor to be here today. We spent a lot of time deciding which players to invite, and you're here because we felt you were among the very best players that America has to... um... I'm sorry. What are you doing here?

Jeremy Roenick: Hi guys!

Burke: Jeremy, we've been over this. You're not on the invite list.

Roenick: I just assumed that was an oversight.

Burke: You retired two weeks ago.

Roenick: Sure, but I figured I could still help out. You know, be a mentor to the younger guys, maybe get a little PP duty here and there. Definitely handle the post-game interviews, that kind of thing.

Burke: ...

Roenick: Please help me. If I'm not on TV for three straight days, I get the shakes.

Burke: Jeremy, no offence, but you're part of the old guard. The last thing Team USA needs is some pathetic relic from Nagano clogging up the roster.

Mike Modano: Um...

Burke: I mean sure, if you hadn't retired we'd probably have given you an invite. But that would have just been out of pity. Behind your back, we'd all have been laughing at you.

Modano: Seriously, does he know I can hear him?

Roenick: Please coach, there must be something you can do.

Burke: Sigh... OK, I'm sure we can work something out. Hey Mike, would you please take Jeremy out back and give him that special Team USA welcome we talked about?

Mike Komisarek: Sure thing, boss.

(Komisarek and Roenick skate off the ice together.)

Burke: They'll just be a minute.

(A loud gunshot can be heard in the background.)

Burke (under his breath): Truculence.

Komisarek (returning to the ice): He changed his mind, boss.

Burke: That's a shame. Anyways, here's Coach Wilson to say a few words.

Ron Wilson: Listen up, team. From this point forward, you are part of the ultimate competition in all of hockey. As a team, we need to be focused every single day. So Brian and I have put together an official team banner. Every day when you come to the rink, you'll see it hanging to remind you of what we're playing for.

Entire team: Yeah!

Wilson: One team! One goal! One ultimate prize!

Entire team: YEAH!

Wilson: Brian, unveil the banner!

(Brian Burke unveils a banner with the Olympic rings, the Team USA logo, and the words "GO FOR THE BRONZE")

Entire team: ...

Chris Drury: Um... coach?

Wilson: Yes Chris?

Drury: Shouldn't that say "Go for the gold"?

Wilson: Gold? Are you insane? Have you seen the Canadian and Russian rosters?

Drury: ...

Wilson: Hey Brian, he thinks we can win gold!

Burke: Aw... that is adorable!

Wilson (exaggerated Canadian accent): Oh boy, eh, I hope Roberto Luongo doesn't get lit up by Ryan Callahan and Joe Pavelski!

Burke (exaggerated Russian accent): And surely comrade, our Malkin/Ovechkin/Kovalchuk line will be no match for the shutdown pairing of Brooks Orpik and Paul Martin!

Wilson: HA HA HA!

Burke: HA HA HA!

Entire team: ...

Wilson: Seriously though, you guys are going to get slaughtered.

Burke: Annihilated.

Wilson: I mean, has anyone here ever even heard of Tom Gilbert?

Scott Gomez: Not me.

Brian Rafalski: Me neither.

Tom Gilbert: Me neither.

Wilson: To be honest, we were kind of humoring you with the whole "bronze" thing.

Burke: One final note. As you know, 23 players will make up the final Team USA roster. But if you don't make the team, remember, we still have space for three players on the taxi squad.

Phil Kessel: You mean the three guys that will take part in practice, watch from the pressbox, and be available in case of injury?

Burke: No. I mean the three guys who will be responsible for making sure Patrick Kane doesn't suckerpunch any more senior citizens.

Patrick Kane: That took a lot longer than I thought.

Entire team: (Nodding.)

(Burke sees somebody skating over to the group out of the corner of his eye.)

Burke: Oh lord... What are you doing here?

Dany Heatley: Hi guys!

Burke: Dany, I already talked to your agents about this. You don't play for Team USA.

Heatley: But I want to.

Burke: But you can't.

Heatley: But I want to.

Komisarek: Just say the word, boss.

Burke: Not yet. Look, Dany, what's the problem here? Why don't you want to play for Team Canada?

Heatley: I have my reasons. And to be honest, I don't think I have any obligation to share them. I understand the curiosity, but just like my situation with the Senators, there has to be a certain right to privacy. As a seven-year veteran I think I've earned at least that much. And any sort of unfounded speculation and gossip about my situation is wrong and, frankly, irresponsible.

Burke: You make a fair point.

Heatley: By the way, did any of you guys bring your fiances on the trip?

Entire team: NO!