Grab Bag: The Bettman Sentence fixes everything

In the latest (and last?) Friday Grab Bag:
- One simple trick for enjoying Gary Bettman sound bites
- The NBA offseason is just way more fun that's the NHL's, and that's OK
- An obscure player with a two-pack-a-day habit who confused Bob McKenzie
- The week's three comedy stars
- And a week after basking in how wonderful Alexei Kovalev could be, we take a look at the other side of the coin.

>> Read the full post at Vice Sports

In other news: As you may have heard, Vice Sports is apparently shutting down and/or pivoting to video and/or something. Right now, I don't know what this means for the future of the Grab Bag, the Biscuits podcast, the Lozo mailbags or anything else I was doing with Vice (although I think we can probably guess). All I can say right now is that you'll know when I do.

Five teams that ended long playoff droughts with a bang

The Edmonton Oilers are heading back to the playoffs for the first time in over a decade.

OK, sure, they haven't clinched a spot quite yet. But the math will work itself out. Barring some sort of epic late collapse, they're going to be back in the playoffs after a long absence. And they'll have some company. While nobody has an active playoff drought as long as Edmonton's, we're also going to see teams like the Blue Jackets, Bruins and maybe even the Maple Leafs return to the postseason after a few years away.

That's the good news, as far as those teams are concerned. The bad news is that when teams get back to the playoffs after several seasons on the sidelines, they typically make quick exits. That's just the nature of a league where we're constantly told that teams need to learn how to win. That first loss is a necessary step. You show up, you get your behind handed to you, and you regroup for a longer run next year. That's just how it works.

Well, most of the time. But every now and then, a team will skip the whole "just happy to be here" phase and returns to the playoffs with guns blazing. Maybe it's an all-time classic series, or maybe it's a deep playoff run. Maybe it's even both.

That's what Oiler fans will be hoping for. So today, as we get ready for Edmonton's long-awaited return to the post-season, let's look back at five teams that ended an extended playoff absence with a bang.
 

Edmonton Oilers, 1997

If we're going to pump the tires of Oilers fans, we may as well start with one of the most entertaining first-round series ever.

The 1996-97 edition of the Oilers made the playoffs for the first time since 1992, although they didn't exactly kick the door down to get there. They managed 81 points, good for the seventh seed in the West and a first round matchup with the Dallas Stars. The Oilers went in as heavy underdogs – the Stars had finished with 104 points and were on the verge of ascending into the league's elite tier of teams, including a Stanley Cup win in 1999.

But once the series arrived… well, even if you're not an Oiler fan, you probably remember this one. Curtis Joseph stood on his head while posting a pair of shutouts, and the series went to a deciding seventh game in Dallas. That's where Joseph made one of the most famous saves of a generation, diving across to rob Joe Nieuwendyk (and eliciting a classic "OH MY GOODNESS" from Bob Cole). Seconds later, Todd Marchant blew by Grant Ledyard to score the winner and complete the upset.

That's pretty much where the good news ends for the Oilers; they lost in the next round and then were knocked out by the Stars in five of the next six seasons. But you could argue it was all worth it, in exchange for what remains to this day one of the most famous sequences in sudden death history.

Calgary Flames, 2004

Sticking in Alberta, we can't talk about ending a playoff drought with an exclamation point without mentioning the 2003-04 Flames. Calgary hadn't made the playoffs since 1996, and they hadn't won a round since the 1989 final. But after new GM Darryl Sutter remade the roster, they finished with 94 points, good enough for third in the Northwest and a sixth seed in the Western Conference.

That drew a matchup with the Vancouver Canucks. And for the third straight time, that particular pairing produced a Game 7 overtime. This one came after Vancouver tied the deciding game with a dramatic goal in the dying seconds, and ended with Martin Gelinas scoring the winner to send the Flames into the second round.

The run didn't end there, as Gelinas scoring series winners became a bit of a thing. He knocked out the top-seeded Red Wings with another overtime goal, then had the winner against the Sharks in the conference final. Calgary fans would argue that he had the winner in the Cup final too, but the officials had other ideas, and the Flames' miracle run ended one game short of a championship.
 

>> Read the full post at The Hockey News

Requiem for a hockey trade

Today is trade deadline day, which means you can expect to hear certain words repeated over and over. "Buyers." "Sellers." "Rentals." Those are the key terms on a day filled with bad teams flipping players to good teams in return for future assets.

But back in the old days, there used to be a different term that showed up occasionally on days like today: "Hockey trades."

To be honest, back then we pretty much just called them "trades," and they went something like this: Two teams exchanged players in a deal where both sides were trying to get better. Nobody was throwing in the towel and rebuilding, and nobody was sacrificing future assets for a short-term boost. Just two teams, both trying to improve their rosters right now, and using a trade to do it.

I know. Crazy stuff.

But it did happen. And we even sort of got one Tuesday night -- the Brandon Davidson/David Desharnais deal, while not anyone's idea of a blockbuster, was at least kind of hockey-ish. So today, while we wait for the rental market to heat up, let's look back at five true hockey trades from deadline history where there were no clear buyers and no sellers, just two teams trying to get the best end of a deal.

1989 – Mike Gartner and Larry Murphy for Dino Ciccarelli and Bob Rouse

Let's start back in 1989 with a classic hockey deal. No picks, no prospects, just a forward and a defenseman on each side of the trade.

Oh, and 75% of the deal ended up in the Hall of Fame. That's not bad for a day's work.

The deal saw Capitals GM David Poile trade away Gartner, at the time the franchise's all-time leading scorer, and Murphy, who'd been a Norris finalist less than two years ago. In exchange, the North Stars gave up their top goal-scorer in Ciccarelli and a hard-nosed blueliner in Rouse.

As it turned out, none of the players stuck around in their new homes all that long. Gartner was traded again at the 1990 deadline, and by the time Ciccarelli was dealt to Detroit in 1992, all four players had moved on. Still, at the time this was an impressive blockbuster, and in hindsight it's probably the most star-studded four-player deal in league history.

My favorite part of the lore of this trade: According to reports at the time, it was finalized exactly one minute before the deadline.

>> Read the full post at The Hockey News

The five types of goalie-for-goalie trades

The Maple Leafs traded Jonathan Bernier to the Ducks last week. Toronto moving on from Bernier wasn’t a surprise, but the timing and destination was odd, coming just days after the Leafs and Ducks had hooked up on the Frederik Andersen deal. That’s led to speculation that Bernier was part of the original trade all along, but remained on the Leafs roster long enough for MLSE to pay his signing bonus on July 1.

If so, that would kind of make Bernier-for-Andersen the latest in a long line of goalie-for-goalie trades, albeit it one with some valuable draft picks heading Anaheim’s way. The NHL has a deep history of this sort of deal, and that makes sense; there are only so many goaltenders out there, so it’s understandable that a team trading one away would want to acquire one in return. And as it turns out, those goalie-for-goalie trades often end up falling into some familiar categories.

Today, let’s look back at some of those moves. Note that we’re not looking for trades that simply featured goalies on either side, which will come as a relief to Habs fans dreading another rehashing of the Patrick Roy trade. Instead, we’ll focus on trades in which the goaltenders were either traded for each other straight up, or at least were clearly the primary pieces in the deal.

Here are some of history’s best goalie-for-goalie trades, and the categories they fell into.

The category: The change-of-scenery trade that comes back to haunt one of the teams.

Recent example: Five years ago, the Avalanche and Senators hooked up on a trade that saw Ottawa acquire Craig Anderson in exchange for Brian Elliott. Anderson was just one year removed from a great season, but was struggling badly and seemed headed to unrestricted free agency. So the Avs flipped him for Elliott, who’d yet to impress in limited duty as Ottawa’s starter.

The deal worked out wonderfully for the Senators; Anderson regained his form, signed a new contract, and is still the team’s starter to this day. The Avalanche didn’t fare quite as well; Elliott didn’t do much in Colorado, and was allowed to hit free agency that summer. He signed with the Blues, won the Jennings the very next year, and has been one of the league’s most dependable goaltenders ever since.

(A near-miss in this category: The Capitals trading Michal Neuvirth for Jaroslav Halak in 2014, then almost seeing Neuvirth lead the Flyers to a miracle comeback against them in this year’s playoffs.)

Other examples: Sometimes, a team has no choice but to move on from a goaltender. That was the case in 1988, when Edmonton goalie Andy Moog held out from the team all season. The Oilers finally moved him at the deadline, sending the veteran to Boston for youngster Bill Ranford.

Months later, the two teams faced each other in the Stanley Cup final, with Moog seeing part-time duty while Ranford watched from the bench in an Oilers win. Two years later the teams met again, and this time it was Ranford and Moog going head-to-head. Ranford won the matchup and the Conn Smythe, avenging what he’d seen as poor treatment at the hands of the Bruins.

The lesson: If you’re going to make a goalie-for-goalie trade, make sure it’s with a team that isn’t going to show up in the Cup final any time soon. So, good work there, Ducks.

>> Read the full post at The Hockey News

Alexander Ovechkin vs. Jarome Iginla: An in-depth comparison

Two of the NHL's top superstars have hit major milestones in recent days, with both Jarome Iginla and Alexander Ovechkin joining exclusive clubs. Iginla scored the 600th goal of his career last week, and Ovechkin followed him with his 500th on Sunday night.

The two players have more than their milestone timing in common. After all, they're both physical wingers who score a ton, have plenty on international experience, and have earned legions of fans around the world.

But they're not identical. In fact, a closer look at their careers and accomplishments reveals some subtle differences between two of the NHL's best known stars.

Jarome Iginla: At the end of the 2008-09 regular season, was named the recipient of the Mark Messier Award for team leadership, on-ice performance and community activities.
Alexander Ovechkin: At the end of the 2010 Winter Olympics, was named the recipient of the Mark Messier Award for everyone agreeing to just pretend the whole Vancouver thing never happened.

Alexander Ovechkin: Infuriated Penguins fans in 2005 by instantly developing fierce rivalries with Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin.
Jarome Iginla: Infuriated Penguins fans in 2013 by agreeing to go along with the Bruins' whole "Operation Double Agent" ploy at the trade deadline.

Jarome Iginla: In a classy gesture, once led his entire team onto the ice to shake hands with Trevor Linden to congratulate him on the occasion of the final game of the longtime Canucks' career.
Alexander Ovechkin: In a classy gesture, once led his entire team onto the ice to shake hands with Alexander Semin to congratulate him on the occasion of that one time he kind of vaguely tried to backcheck.

Read the rest of this post...

Making the case for the HHOF's 2016 first-timers club

With the Hockey Hall of Fame’s class of 2015 now enshrined, attention has already turned to next year’s potential inductees. And most of that focus is on players who’ve missed the cut in previous years and could finally hear their name called.

That’s because the list of newly eligible players is, to put it kindly, underwhelming. Call it a fluke or, or lay the blame on the 2012-13 lockout – after all, not too many legends want to end their career playing through a rushed half-season. Either way, while the list of 2016 first-timers club has its share of good players and respected journeymen, there’s not a single Hall of Famer to be found.

Or is there? I’ve always preferred to look on the bright side of things, and I’m up for a challenge. So today, let’s take a look down that list of new candidates, and see if we can’t come up with some good arguments in their favor.

Jose Theodore – By all accounts, has always done a wonderful job of taking care of Jarome Iginla’s Hart Trophy.

Jamie Langenbrunner – Is a former star player who once played for the Devils and is now very old, so we should probably get our votes in now before he inevitably signs with the Blues.

Wade Redden – Personally made you a better spouse, parent and friend by single-handedly putting an end to all that time you used to waste having “worst contract in NHL history” debates.

Miikka Kiprusoff – Could probably sway a lot of voters by putting together a highlight reel of him and his teammates on the 2004 Flames. Just make sure none of those clips involve Martin Gelinas, since nobody in the NHL ever bothers watching replays involving him until it’s too late.

>> Read the full post on ESPN.com

Round one Eastern Conference playoff preview

"Um, should I keep going?" asked the anthem singer.

It's playoff time, which means it's time for everyone to who writes about hockey to prepare their predictions for the eight opening series. Don't fight it, it's the law.

Today we'll take a look at the Eastern Conference matchups, with the Western Conference following tomorrow. Remember, as per the official rules of playoff predictions, we all agree to never speak of these again once the first round is over.

#1 New York Rangers vs. #8 Ottawa Senators

The matchup: In a nice change of pace, the Senators have decided it might be fun to suffer a crushing playoff defeat to a different original six team.
The view from New York: Henrik Lundqvist says his injured forearm has healed enough for him to play, he supposes, since every time the team doctor shows him an "x-ray" it's actually just a picture of Martin Biron inside a circle with a line through it.
The view from Ottawa: The Senators have to be considered spoilers, assuming we're talking about all the great Senators vs. Bruins jokes I had written for this preview a week ago.
Player to watch: Erik Karlsson will try to continue racking up the points with his impressive offensive instincts despite being a squishy wet stain on the end boards after Brian Boyle's first shift.
Prediction: Two straight weeks of facing John Tortorella in the playoffs has Senator fans longing for the calm, even-tempered days of Pat Quinn.

Read the rest of this post...

A buyer's guide to the remaining NHL free agents - 2010

Boogard got how much?

As hockey's off-season drags on, there are still dozens of unrestricted free agents who haven't found a team for the upcoming season. Many will end up being exiled to Europe or even retirement, while others will manage to find a job in the NHL.

But which ones? Here's an honest look at the strengths and weaknesses of some of the best known free agents remaining on the market, along with a prediction of where they could ultimately wind up.

Antti Niemi
The bad: Was easily the most over-rated Stanley Cup winning goalie in the entire league last year.
The good: Doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit", although technically that's also true of all the other words in the English language.
Where he'd fit: Philadelphia, according to everyone in the entire hockey world who doesn't work in the Flyers' front office.

Lee Stempniak
The bad: Only seems to play well in Phoenix, which pretty much limits him to one-year offers.
The good: Hasn't played for the Maple Leafs since the trade deadline, so most of the loser stench has worn off by now.
Where he'd fit: Any team that only hired a scouting staff in mid-March.

Paul Kariya
The bad: Most scouts agree that his dimples are slightly less adorable than they used to be.
The good: Was at one point, many years ago, Paul Kariya.
Where he'd fit: Pretty much any team that's looking for a veteran scoring winger to play on a line with Teemu Selanne.

Ilya Kovalchuk
The bad: May have suffered a series of undisclosed head injuries during his career, based on his apparent willingness to commit to spending 17 years in New Jersey.
The good: Will no doubt be well-rested after the upcoming year-long work stoppage that he caused.
Where he'd fit: Any team that's been smart enough to preserve some cap room in 2027.

Owen Nolan
The bad: Is widely recognized as one of the worst NHL players that Belfast, Northern Ireland has ever produced.
The good: Can offer detailed scouting reports on the 30 NHL teams, all of which he's recently played for.
Where he'd fit: A team that believes it is one salt-and-pepper goatee away from contending.

Kyle Wellwood
The bad: Has occasionally experienced minor conditioning setbacks, which some bloggers have cruelly exaggerated to get cheap laughs.
The good: Is an extremely well-rounded player. Often appears to be everywhere on the ice at the same time. Has an overwhelming presence which can dominate the dressing room. Is unanimously considered to be one of the hungriest players in the league.
Where he'd fit: Any roster with a large hole to fill.

Miroslav Satan
The bad: Is always going on and on about his theory that the whole thing was just a dream by Leonardo DiCaprio's character, which is odd since he's talking about the seventh season of Growing Pains.
The good: Was an alternate on the NHL's millennial All-Miroslav team.
Where he'd fit: The New Jersey Devils, according to the International Union of Hilarious Newspaper Headline Writers.

Jose Theodore
The bad: Goal scoring totals have dropped significantly since 2000-01 season.
The good: Has been known to entertain teammates with hilarious made-up stories about winning the Hart Trophy.
Where he'd fit: Any NHL team where he wouldn't have to worry about once again losing his starter's job to Cristobel Huet. So, any NHL team.

Darcy Tucker
The bad: Is too old and broken down these days to randomly leap into opponent's benches any more; now just sort of limps over and then tumbles in.
The good: Critics who accuse him of being dirty don't have a leg to stand on, mostly because he's blown out both their knees.
Where he'd fit: Sami Kapanen's sweat-drenched nightmares.

Vesa Toskala
The bad: Often reminds you of the love child of Hardy Astrom and Andre Racicot, assuming that child was forced to play goal before developing gross motor skills.
The good: Has never been one of those irresponsible goalies who takes a brand new set of equipment and then spends the season ruining it by letting a bunch of pucks hit it.
Where he'd fit: As the backup for whatever ECHL team John Ferguson Jr. is working for these days.

Round two scouting reports

A few days ago, we took a look at the NHL's 22 losers that are sitting at home. Now let's turn our attention to the teams that are still alive, with a round two scouting report.

---

Washington Capitals

Strengths:

• Are wisely keeping starting goaltender Jose Theodore extremely well-rested.
  
• Have so much depth that they were somehow able to win a game seven despite absence of Donald Brashear
  
• Intimidating fans are known to loudly questions opposing players' sexuality, which is pretty rich coming from guys who chant "We Want Semin".

Weakness:

• Star player Alexander Ovechkin often spends as much as four of five minutes every period just sitting on bench, doing nothing.

How to beat them:

• Let Ovechkin get a few goals early; hope he tires himself out celebrating.

-- vs. --

Pittsburgh Penguins

Strengths:

• Feature a roster full of excellent young players due to strong scouting, patient coaching, and drafting first overall ten years in a row.
  
• Have drawn inspiration from undisputed locker room leader, the mummified corpse of Gary Roberts.
  
• In the long history of talented players to come out of Russia, Evgeni Malkin will quite possibly go down as the second best one to ever play in this series.

Weakness:

• Extra slippery ice at Mellon Arena sometimes causes team's star players to fall down for no reason at all.

How to beat them:

• Don't punch the crap out of Maxime Talbot, apparently.

---

Carolina Hurricanes

Strengths:

• Coach Paul Maurice has referred to leadership core as "easily the most dedicated group of players I've seen in, oh, three years".
  
• Enjoy unrivaled home ice advantage thanks to savvy fans who save up energy by only remembering that hockey exists once the playoffs start.
  
• Is probably not mathematically impossible for them to win the Cup this year.

Weakness:

• Are still, when you get right down to it, the Hartford Whalers.

How to beat them:

• Employ a goalie who is not so fat that he gets winded at the very end of every close game.

-- vs. --

Boston Bruins

Strengths:

• In recent big games, have been pretty good at remembering how many players you're allowed to have on the ice.
  
• Zdeno Chara able to calmly clear puck from goalmouth scrambles without leaving bench.
  
• Will be feeding off the energy of an entire state full of douchey, bandwagon-jumping sports fans who haven't had a championship to celebrate in like ten whole months

Weakness:

• May be rusty coming off of first-round bye.

How to beat them:

• Remind Tim Thomas that he is, in fact, Tim Thomas.

---

Anaheim Ducks

Strengths:

• Roster was largely assembled by Brian Burke, who is unanimously considered the smartest man alive.
  
• Disorient opponents by annoyingly playing all their home games way later than everyone else.
  
• Virtually every player on roster is an experienced fighter not intimidated by violence, which will come in handy if team bus breaks down on way to arena in Detroit

Weakness:

• It's possible that Ryan Getzlaf may have got some choking loser germs on him while fighting Joe Thornton.

How to beat them:

• Somehow trick them into thinking it's the regular season.
  

-- vs. --

Detroit Red Wings

Strengths:

• Are known for superior conditioning, which will allow players to recover more quickly from Chris Pronger cheapshots.
  
• Are so solid defensively that even terrible goaltender Chris Osgood can win multiple championships for them.
  
• In a pinch, some guy they drafted 200th overall last year will just emerge as a future hall-of-famer.

Weakness:

• Might be getting bored of winning the Stanley Cup by now.

How to beat them:

• Get to overtime of game seven. Let tiny Russian man-child do the rest.
  

---

Chicago Blackhawks

Strengths:

• Winning percentage is significantly higher indoors than out.
  
• Martin Havlat has bought into team's disciplined approach so much that he hardly ever kicks anyone in the groin any more.
  
• Somehow managed to turn an old man dying of cancer into a feel-good story.

Weakness:

• Winning game one of the Flames series 12 seconds into sudden death was a foolish waste of an opportunity to amass valuable overtime experience.

How to beat them:

• Hold all games in a nightclub that checks ID, thus eliminating most of the Hawks best players.
  

-- vs. --

Vancouver Canucks

Strengths:

• Have this guy named Sedin who is so lightning quick that he often sets himself up for one-timers.
  
• Own an excellent record when scoring first, largely because their goalie gets a shutout every game.
  
• Are lead by veteran Mats Sundin, for whom "winning a Stanley Cup" is unquestionably a top ten non-poker-related personal goal.

Weakness:

• Players run slightly higher than average risk of contracting lice due to habit of pulling opponent's hair when getting ass kicked in fight.

How to beat them:

• Hope that Roberto Luongo's wife has a baby three or four times during the series.