Dany Heatley meets with Kevin Lowe: The secret transcript

Two men enter. One leaves.

As everyone knows by now, Oilers president Kevin Lowe rushed to Kelowna last night to meet with Senators winger Dany Heatley in an attempt to convince him to waive his no-trade clause and accept a deal to Edmonton.

Neither side is commenting about what went on at the meeting. But as long-time readers may have suspected, DGB spies were able to breach the security at the Heatley compound and record the discussion.

What follows is the top secret transcript of the conversation.

Lowe: Dany, I want to thank you for meeting with me. I know this entire situation has been difficult for you, but I really believe that after we get a chance to chat, you're going to want to be a part of the Oilers.

Heatley: Hey, I'm willing to hear you out.

Lowe: Now, just so I'm clear on your side of things, you're demanding a trade because...

Heatley: ... because I can't spend another day in Ottawa. I'm miserable beyond any measure of human understanding. Every day I spend in Ottawa is the worst of my life, and the only joy I find is in the knowledge that every day wasted in that god forsaken town brings me one day closer to the icy relief of death.

Lowe: I see. And you're not waiving your no-trade clause because...

Heatley: ... all that still sounds better than spending the winter in Edmonton.

Lowe: Got it.

Heatley: No offence.

Lowe: No, none taken. Now, I understand you've had some problems with the Ottawa media. But I just want to assure you that the reporters who cover the Oilers are some of the very best in the business.

Heatley: Actually, a friend of mine used to play for the Oilers and he told me that the media there is very talented.

Lowe: Oh really? And who said that?

Heatley: Chris Pronger.

Lowe: Right.

Heatley: Veeerrry talented.

Lowe: Yeah, I got it. (Cell phone rings.) I'm sorry Dany, one moment please. (Answers phone.) Hi Bryan. Yes, I'm talking to him right now. It's going well. What's that? Sure, I suppose you could say hello. Let me put you on speakerphone.

Bryan Murray: HEATLEY IF YOU DON'T ACCEPT THIS TRADE SO HELP ME I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS AND THEN I'M GOING TO SQUAT OVER YOUR CORPSE AND TAKE A NICE LONG... (click).

Lowe: Oops, he must have got disconnected.

Heatley: Your cell has a speakerphone on it?

Lowe: Never mind that.

Heatley: Look Kevin, I just want you know that the regular season is nice. But that's not my focus. For a guy like me, the real hockey doesn't start until April and May.

Lowe: Yes, absolutely, it's all about the Stanley Cup.

Heatley: The what? No, I meant the world hockey championships.

Lowe: Oh.

Heatley: Man, I totally kick ass in that tournament.

Lowe: I've heard.

Heatley: I totally lit it up against Latvia this year. Their goalie had no glove.

Lowe: Yeah, I hear they have some weaknesses.

Heatley: No, I mean literally. He had no glove. He was using a baseball cap. I scored six goals.

Lowe: Wonderful.

Heatley: I tell you, as long as the game is completely meaningless, I am unstoppable.

Lowe: I'll keep that in mind. Now, I've heard that you've had some problems with Cory Clouston.

Heatley: Yeah, he's always singling me out. "Dany, you were out of position. Dany, you have to actually work hard. Dany, you have to come back into your own zone once or twice a game." It's like he thinks he's in charge or something.

Lowe: Right. But I think you'd get along great with our new coach, Pat Quinn. I was hoping you'd get a chance to meet him tonight, but I wasn't able to get a hold of him.

Heatley: Actually, he's outside.

Lowe: He's what?

Heatley: Right there.

(Heatley points to a shadowy figure looming outside his window. The figure takes a puff from a lit cigar.)

Lowe: Um... How long has he been there?

Heatley: Going on three days now.

Lowe: I see.

(The shadowy figure points at its eyes with two fingers, then points at Heatley.)

Heatley: He keeps doing that.

Lowe: Hm.

Heatley: Hey, wasn't Steve Tambellini going to be here?

Lowe: He's in the car. We don't let him get involved with actual decisions.

Heatley: Ah.

Lowe: So Dany, in closing I just want to say that everyone in Edmonton is very excited about the possibility of having you aboard.

Heatley: Everyone.

Lowe: Absolutely everyone.

(Heatley looks over to the shadowy figure in the window, who points at him and then makes a throat-slash gesture.)

Lowe: Almost without exception.

Heatley: Well, you've done a great job selling me on Edmonton. As soon as you leave, I'm going to call my agent and tell him to waive my no-trade. I'm going to be an Oiler!

Lowe: Wow! Really?

Heatley: Hey, I'm Dany Heatley. You have my word.

ESPN names Maple Leafs worst organization in the NHL

Taking a quick break from the free agency talk...

ESPN The Magazine released it's 2009 Ultimate Standings today. The idea is to rank all 122 major North American franchises based on criteria such as ticket prices, roster quality, titles won and the relationship between ownership and fans.

Based on that, I'll bet you'll never guess how the Leafs did.

Yes, the Maple Leafs finished dead last in the NHL, and 120th out of 122 teams overall (suck it, Knicks and Clippers!)

Now keep in mind, this ranking isn't meant as a measure of the quality of the team itself, and it's certainly not meant to measure the fans. Quite the opposite, actually -- the magazine says it wants to measure "how much MLB, NBA, NFL and NHL franchises give back to the fans in exchange for all the time, money and emotion the fans invest in them."

Given that criteria, it's hard to argue with the Leafs ranking. The only objection I'd have is that it's a year too late -- MLSE is finally doing the right thing by handing full control to Brian Burke. Maybe this sort of public kick in the pants will remind them to keep it out of the way.

I was interviewed by ESPN months ago for this year's rankings, and my comments appear in the Leafs profile. I had a sense from the beginning that the Leafs were going to wind up last, so this isn't a surprise.

As with all lists of this type, the end goal is mainly to inspire discussion, debate and angry ranting from fans. Let's just say there are more than a few head-scratchers. The Carolina Hurricanes as the NHL's top team? The Senators as the top team in Canada? Many will dismiss the whole thing for that reason.

Just remember: this is a black mark on Peddie, Tannenbaum and the rest of the MLSE suits. If anyone tries to tell you it's a knock on Leaf fans, tell them to go back and read it again. Or, if it's a Senators fan, to have it read to them.

Leafs sign Mike Komisarek

Well, it didn't take long for the Leafs to spend Pavel Kubina's money. They've signed former Hab Mike Komisarek.

Right now, the Leafs have a better defense and are a much tougher team than they were seven hours ago. The goaltending is still weak and the offensive depth is thinner than Mike Ribeiro's ankles, but you can't ask Burke to fix everything in one day.

This signing also gives the Leafs somebody other than Mike Van Ryn to get destroyed several times a year by Milan Lucic.

Burke is having a good day. Leaf fans are too.

Truculence.

Still waiting

It's been over five hours since free agency started, and here's a comprehensive list of the Leafs signings so far:

• Colton Orr

That is all.

This isn't the worst news in the world, since free agency is the one day of the year when teams can make truly devastating mistakes. A quiet July 1 isn't the worst thing that can happen to a team, especially one that's rebuilding.

But at the same time, we go back to what Brian Burke told us about his plan. He said he'd be active today, and so far he hasn't backed it up. Just like at the draft, what Burke told us he wanted to do and what he's actually done seem to be two very different lists.

That said, it seems obvious that the Sedins were the prime target today, and they were taken off the grid with a few minutes before noon. Burke was in Sweden ready to make his pitch, and he never got the chance. That's hardly his fault.

Still... there has to be something coming, doesn't there? Mike Cammalleri seems headed to the Habs, but Komisarek and Beauchemin are both still out there. Of course, the Leafs may need to move a defenceman first.

Speaking of which... the reported Kubina to Atlanta deal seems to be in limbo. Multiple outlets have now said that Colby Armstrong is not in the deal, if there even is a deal at all.

Remember, Damien Cox reported his deal hours ago. And while I regularly knock his cut-and-paste columns, he's rarely wrong on his facts. I still expect it to happen, but right now nothing has been confirmed.

(Update: Just as I post, TSN is now saying the deal is Kubina for Exelby.)

Truculence

Full size version is here.

Pavel Kubina traded to Thrashers?

A confused Pavel Kubina phones to ask why the guy in charge putting together the Atlanta Thrashers 2009 media guide just showed up to take his picture.

DGB post, March 7, 2009

Damien Cox is reporting that the Leafs have dealt Pavel Kubina to Atlanta. Various rumors say that Colby Armstrong is coming back the other way. Neither detail has been officially confirmed. (Update: Reports are now saying Armstrong is not in the deal.)

If true, the deal would save the Leafs almost $4M in cap room. The big question is which UFA is getting Kubina's money. Reports have the Leafs chasing Mike Cammalleri and Mike Komisarek.

I think there's a lesson here: if your team clearly wants to trade you, and they ask you to waive your NTC two years in a row so they can trade you to a contender... you might just want to waive. Because otherwise, you might wind up in Atlanta.

As for Armstrong, he brings belligerence. With Colton Orr's truculence already signed and sealed, Burke's shopping list is now down to pugnacity and testosterone.

Leafs sign Colton Orr

The Leafs have signed Colton Orr to a four year deal worth $1M a season.

This is a fantastic signing. For the first time since Wade Belak left, the Leafs have a true heavyweight.

The Leafs as a team are still not tough enough. But this is a major step in the right direction. Great work by Brian Burke.

Here are some Orr highlights to get you in the mood:

Countdown to free agency

Tomorrow is Free Agency Day. It's also a holiday in Canada, which means two things:

• I'll be online all day
  
• I'll be drinking heavily starting at noon

I'll be updating DGB whenever something interesting happens... which, given Brian Burke's track record, means this is my last post for the week. But check back anyways, just in case.

And don't forget to follow me on twitter. My twitter feed has all the high quality you've come to expect from the blog, except more frequent, shorter, and without the high quality.

(If you're not already following DGB, PPP, Chemmy and the rest of the barilkosphere on twitter, you missed out on an epic afternoon. Once news of the Gomez trade broke, Leaf Nation quickly formed a kick circle around Bob Gainey and didn't let up for a solid hour. Good times. Look for an encore tonight if the Senators trade Dany Heatley for Dustin Penner.)

A few quick thoughts on free agency:

• I'm solidly pro-Sedin, if and only if Burke can sign them to deal of reasonable length. If Burke can get the twins to signs five or six year deals worth, say, $35M or so each, I'm happy.
  
  The Leafs need front line talent and only have one elite forward prospect. The Sedins give you two-thirds of a top line and push everyone else down to more suitable roles. Plus, as we all know, Swedish players never let you down.
  
  
• Do not sign Chris Neil. He's broken down, has a grossly over-inflated sense of himself, and is a cruiserweight at best. Yes, it's admirable to see a relatively little guy fight giants like Laraque and Brashear. But he gets fed every time, and we can find cheaper guys to clog up the fourth line and lose fights twice a month.
  
  
• On the other hand, I want Colton Orr's signature on a contract at 12:01. The Leafs need an enforcer -- not a grinder, not a plugger, not a plumber, but an honest-to-god alpha dog. Chris Neil isn't the answer. Andrew "Golf Swing" Peters definitely isn't the answer. Colton Orr is. Sign him tomorrow. Then give him Finger's #4, just to piss off Bruins ans.
  
  
• Seriously, do not sign Chris Neil.
  
  
• Mike Cammalleri, Mike Komisarek and François Beauchemin are all fine players if you can get them at a reasonable price, which you won't. So don't get your hopes up.
  
  
• I will go on a crime spree if they sign Chris Neil.
  
  
• There's a very sick part of me that wants the Leafs to sign Todd Bertuzzi, just for the entertainment value. He would immediately cause Damien Cox's head to explode. He'd instantly become the most hated player in NHL history. And he'd make Dominic Moore cry tears of blood.
  
  
• DUR-NO! DUR-NO! DUR-NO!

A reminder of the three immutable laws of NHL free agency:

1. Everybody will get way more money than anyone expects them to get. Everyone.
   
2. Most of the big names will sign with teams that they've never even been linked to.
   
3. Do not sign Chris Neil

Finally, a sincere thanks to DGB readers. Thanks to a late surge, this will be the fifth straight month of record traffic. That's pretty impressive considering how little is going on in Leafland every spring.

So thanks to everyone who visits. Thanks to everyone who subscribes, follows, or bookmarks. And special thanks to everyone who posts DGB content and links on various forums and sites around the world.

(And that includes a special hello to my friends in Finland in the NHL-huumoria thread at Jatkoaika.com. Kiitos! I've almost forgiven your country for Vesa Toskala.)

Brian Burke mic'd at the draft: What TSN didn't show you

To much fanfare, TSN had Brian Burke mic'd for the first round of this year's draft. And despite considerable hype leading into the broadcast, most agree that Burke's clips didn't reveal much.

Or did they? It turns out Burke gave TSN plenty of good material, but for some reason they chose not to air most of it.

Luckily for you, they forgot to lock up the A/V room overnight, and DGB spies were able to obtain the full transcript of Burke's evening. Here, unedited, are ten conversations you didn't see on TSN.

---

(At the Leafs draft table.)

Dave Nonis: I saw you talking to Paul Holmgrem at the Flyers table. Did he have any interest in Kaberle?

Burke: Not yet, but give him a few minutes. I used an old psychological trick I learned in law school to plant a subliminal suggestion. The next time he hears the term "all-star defenceman", he won't be able to turn down any trade no matter how ridiculous.

Nonis: Wow.

Burke: It's foolproof. In a few minutes I'll walk back over, mention Kaberle, and he'll grab his ankles.

Nonis: Hey look, he's talking to Bob Murray.

Burke: Uh oh.

Nonis: They're shaking hands.

Burke: Son of a...

---

(Burke wanders by the Rangers draft table and runs into Glen Sather.)

Burke: Hey Glen, I need to feed the meter. Any chance you have change for a five?

Sather: Sure. How about six loonies?

Burke: That would be... wait, no.

Sather: Fine, fine. Four toonies?

Burke: No, Glen, it's a five, all I need is...

Sather: Nine loonies, five toonies, six quarters and a mint condition Franklin half-dollar. Final offer.

Burke: ...

Sather: Six years, $39 million.

Burke: Deal.

---

(Dallas draft table.)

Burke: Hey Joe, got a second?

Joe Nieuwendyk: Sure Brian, what's up?

Burke: I need a coffee. Two cream, no sugar.

Nieuwendyk: Um...

Burke: Stat.

Nieuwendyk: I'm not actually your assistant any more.

Burke: ...

Nieuwendyk: Remember, I resigned two weeks ago?

Burke: ...

Nieuwendyk: I'm the GM of the Stars now.

Burke: And an apple fritter.

Nieuwendyk: Right away sir.

---

(Burke is on his cellphone in a back hallway.)

Burke: So we've got a deal then?

Bob Gainey: Yeah. Done deal.

Burke: Great, I knew we could work this out.

Gainey: Man, the crowd is going to go nuts when I announce we've acquired Lecavlier.

Burke: Yeah. You should totally get right up there and announce it right now.

Gainey: Well, we need to do the paperwork.

Burke: Forget the paperwork. Just grab the mic from Bettman and announce it. Trust me, it will be a moment nobody ever forgets.

Gainey: Umm... hey Lawton, why does your cell phone number have a 416 area code?

Burke: Tee hee.

Gainey: Oh for... Burke, is that you?

Burke: (Hangs up, high-fives a giggling Dave Nonis.)

---

(Sharks GM Doug Wilson approaches the Leafs draft table.)

Wilson: Brian, I heard you wanted to talk to me?

Burke: Hi Doug. Any truth to the rumor that Joe Thornton is available?

Wilson: What? Who told you that?

Burke: One of your scouts mentioned it.

Wilson: Really? Did he say what the asking price was?

Burke: Yeah, he wrote it down for me, hold on. He said it would cost us... (unfolds a piece of paper) ... "a balloon".

Wilson: Oh lord.

Burke: Yeah.

Wilson: I think I know which one of our scouts you were talking to.

John Ferguson Jr.: Hi guys!

Wilson: John, what did we say about talking to the grownups?

JFJ: But I like balloons.

Burke: So have we got a deal, or...

Wilson: He's not actually authorized to speak to anybody. Ever.

Burke: Oh.

JFJ: Red ones are my favorite.

Wilson: Look, I'm really sorry about all this. He just gets really frightened and confused on draft day.

Entire Leafs draft table: We know.

---

(Back hallway. Burke is talking to Dave Shoalts of the Globe and Mail, as well as a second reporter wearing a floppy hat, backwards press pass, and lucha libre-style wrestling mask.)

Shoalts: Wait, just so I'm clear, are these real conversations? Or is this some sort of parody joke thing? I'm still having a lot of trouble with this internet stuff.

Burke: You're both idiots.

Mystery reporter: Is that an e5?

Burke: (Shakes head, storms off.)

Mystery reporter: Burkie?

---

Burke (whispering): You need to listen to me very carefully. There is a bomb hidden under you draft table. It is about to go off. You need to evacuate right away, or else you will die. Do you understand me?

Kevin Lowe: Brian, I know it's you. I have called ID on my phone.

Burke: ...

Lowe: You're not allowed to call me. It's in the restraining order. (Click.)

Burke (still whispering): Dustin Penner sucks!

---

(Burke's cell phone rings.)

Burke: Hello?

Gary Bettman: Brian, it's Gary. It's about this trade you just faxed in. The one where you get the Wild's first rounder. And Harding. And Zidlicky and Gaborik and Clutterbuck.

Burke: It's a blockbuster.

Bettman: For Jeff Finger.

Burke: Hey, their GM signed off on it.

Bettman: Yeah, about that. I can see that the trade was signed by "C Fletcher". But I just talked to Chuck, and he said he never even spoke to you.

Burke: Do you have a point?

Bettman: Could I please speak to Cliff?

Burke: You may not.

Bettman: Deal's off. (Click.)

Burke: Worth a try.

---

(Post-draft buffet spread.)

Burke: Not much left at the buffet.

Bryan Murray: Yeah, but there's still one piece of apple pie left. My favorite!

Burke: Apple pie is the one you want?

Murray: Yes.

Burke: Well, that's the one I'm going to take.

Murray: Oh for ...

Burke: (Nom nom nom.)

Murray: Stop doing that!

---

(Post-draft party.)

Burke: Look, I don't want to get all sappy here, but I just want to say I've admired you for a long time, and it was an honor to share a draft floor with you. You did a fantastic job out there. You're absolutely the best in the business.

Burke's reflection: Hey, you too. I'm a huge fan. Great work as always.

Guy banging on door: Hey buddy, hurry up in there, there are people lined up to use this bathroom!

---

(Glove tap to DGB reader Lyle for sending in the idea for this post.)

Brian Burke: The wait continues

Have you seen this man?

(Note to Puck Daddy readers: The "mic'd up" post is actually here.)

We're now seven months and counting into the Brian Burke Era.

When he didn't make a single significant move in his first four months on the job, everyone said not to worry because the best time to sell was at the deadline.

When he didn't do anything at the deadline other than a few minor deals with UFAs, everyone said not to worry because he was waiting for the draft.

Now the first round has come and gone, and Burke has drafted a solid prospect in Nazem Kadri but came up empty on his vow to move up and couldn't find a deal for Tomas Kaberle.

I guess now we're waiting until free agency.

I know this is a long process. I know it's not easy to trade in today's NHL. I know the best deal is sometimes the one you don't make.

But at some point, doesn't Brian Burke have to actually do something? You know, besides giving good soundbites?

Or am I just being one of those unreasonable Leaf fans?

NHL 2009 Draft Liveblog

Welcome to the 2009 Draft liveblog. I'll be updating here throughout the afternoon and the first round. Refresh the page for the latest updates, and don't forget to follow me at twitter.com/DownGoesBrown.

11:00 - So there you have it. The first round ended up being largely predictable and somewhat dull. The Leafs walk away with one decent prospect and a whole lot of "what if"s.

Thanks to everyone who joined in tonight.

9:40 - I'm always amazed at how many teams apparently base their draft decisions on geography. First Minnesota, now Montreal. You'd think you'd prefer to take the best player, no?

9:25 - The folks at hfboards aren't impressed either.

9:05 - And there goes Zach Kassian. Time to start drinking.

9:00 - Every time a kid is drafted in the first round, they show him having a quick conversation with his girlfriend. How many of them do you think go like this?

Her: Congratulations baby! I love you!
Him: Thanks. By the way, we're no longer together.
Her: But... but... you promised we would always...
Him: Security, have her removed.
Her: (sob)
Him: (Hits on Elisha Cuthbert)

8:40 - According to Wikipedia, it could have been worse.

8:25 - From RobViper13 in the comments:

Good job Boyd Deveraux. That hat trick on the final night of the season cost us Brayden Schenn. Was it worth it?

8:20 - When I expressed disappointment at Burke not doing anything at the deadline, everyone said that Burke would do his work at the draft. Safe to assume that now everyone will tell me to just wait for free agency? Then training camp... then the next deadline...

8:15 - The Leafs have drafted Nazem Kadri with the #7 pick.

He sounds like a great kid, and he's immediately one of the best prospects in the Leafs system.

But the bottom line is that after writing off an entire year, the Leafs didn't wind up with a surefire stud. And that's a little hard to swallow, no?

8:05 - OEL goes to the Coyotes. Leafs are up next. CTRL-V? Grant Jennings? Trade down? Or somebody else?

8:00 - The Kings just took Owen Schenn at #5.

Meanwhile, Dreger is reporting that the Leafs are hoping Bouwmeester is dealt tonight so that they can make a Kaberle deal.

So just to recap: The Ducks go out and find a great deal for Pronger, while the Leafs are waiting around for the Panthers to create a market for them.

7:50 - It's a little tough to listen to all these media folks who spent the last week swearing that the Isles would take Duchene or Hedman now turn around and confirm how predictable the draft has been.

7:40 - After all the uncertainty, the first three picks went as expected.

Now we're at #4, which is Evander Kane territory. Let's all watch as the announcers awkwardly refer to him as "athletic".

7:30 - The Flyers got absolutely robbed on the Pronger deal. Two firsts and two players for one year of an old defenceman? Wow.

Meanwhile, the Lightning take Hedman. Guess we'll never know if there was a deal in place with the Leafs.

I'm not completely sold on Hedman. Despite the once-in-a-generation combination of size and skill, he's still only two letters away from being this guy.

7:15 - The Islanders take Tavares with the #1 pick. That's the right move. And it was nice to have a little suspense for a change.

The moment is diminished somewhat when Brian Burke runs up to the podium, clubs Tavares over the head, loads his body into the trunk of his car and drives off.

6:55 - There's a major thunderstorm getting ready to hit southern Ottawa.

Me + being at home during the draft when everyone else is in Montreal = mild annoyance.

Me + being at home during the draft if there's a power failure = potential psychotic rampage.

6:35 - More on the (apparently dead) Leafs/Bruins deal. It seems the Bruins really did expect to get Tomas Kaberle and the #7 for Phil Kessel.

So I guess the "misunderstanding" is that Burke thought the Bruins were actually serious about making a deal, and not just wasting everyone's time.

6:20 - My annual plea to NHL GMs:

• We know you want to thank Montreal for hosting.
  
• We know you want to congratulate the Penguins for winning the Cup.
  
• Therefore, feel free to skip that part and just make your damn pick.

6:00 Now TSN says there was a "major miscommunication" between the Leafs and Bruins, with both teams thinking that the other side was throwing in a high draft pick.

How does that happen? Is this my office fantasy football pool?

5:50 - Bob McKenzie says he'll be "shocked" if Kaberle doesn't wind up in Boston by the end of the night. Meanwhile, Dreger says the deal is off.

In other words, TSN will eventually claim they had a scoop on this.

5:30 - Just a reminder: If you're in Montreal, and especially if you're at the Bell Centre tonight, I hate you.

4:50 - My reaction the reported Bruins offer of Kessel plus a pick for Kaberle is pretty much identical to Brian Burke's: Decent offer, worth considering, now let's see if anyone else out there wants to do better.

4:00 - Finally, draft day is here. For Leaf fans who've been waiting all year for the Brian Burke rebuild to really get going, tonight's draft is the equivalent of Christmas morning.

That makes this afternoon the equivalent of the night before Christmas, which was always the best part. Enjoy it while you can -- it's that wonderful moment of anticipation and hope before crushing reality sets in.

Kid: Socks? Underwear?
Dad: Merry Christmas!
Kid: But dad, didn't you promise to trade up and get me a bike?
Dad: Daddy tried. Didn't work out.
Kid: Maybe Daddy should spend more time working and less time talking to the media.
Dad: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

Leafs draft preview: I have a bad feeling about this...

Various media have reported today that Brian Burke is still hot on the trail of John Tavares. With less than 72 hours left to make a deal, Burke has apparently made no progress but feels he has plenty of time.

I'm glad to hear it. Because for the past few weeks I've been devouring mock drafts and trying to talk myself into three players that the Leafs seem to have the best shot at: Brayden Schenn, Jared Cowen, and Magnus Pääjärvi-Svensson.

And it will probably not shock you to learn that it's not going so well.

Yes, each of these three guys sounds like a fantastic player. And each would clearly fill a glaring need on a Leafs roster that has plenty of them. But as you no doubt know by now, it's in my nature to look for the downside as well.

So let's take a look at the three most likely candidates to become your next Maple Leaf savior, and why we may need to downgrade expectations.

---

I wonder if Tyler Kennedy
has a younger brother
who needs his ass kicked?

Brayden Schenn

The strengths: Is the brother of Luke Schenn.

Seriously, that's really all you need to know. NHL scouts haven't even bothered to watch him. His parents have patiently tried to explain that Brayden doesn't like hockey and has never even been on skates, but he's still Luke's brother so he's a top five pick. End of story.

The concern: I'll be honest, I love the idea of having two brothers form the core of our long-term rebuild. Luke Schenn was such a monster last year that the thought of doubling down on the family gene pool has me giddy.

But let's run down the script here: Luke is older. He's better known. The Leafs traded up to get him, he made the team as a teenager, played on the top pairing for much of the season, was named to the all-rookie team, and earlier today he was inducted into the NHL Hall of Fame. When he walks the streets of Toronto, tiny eunuchs scurry in front of him to scatter rose petals.

Now here comes Brayden, the younger brother who may actually be more talented. But he's trapped in his big brother's shadow. And he knows it. Everybody knows it.

If a lifetime of english literature, greek epic poetry and professional wrestling have taught me anything, it's that younger brothers can't be trusted. The potential for an eventual dramatic brotherly backstab is off-the-charts here.

Keep in mind, these two kids are from Western Canada. There's precedent here that should raise all kind of red flags. Don't say you weren't warned if at some point Brayden snaps on Luke, and kicks his leg out of his leg.

---

Jared Cowen does his
impression of every Leaf
fan the day JFJ was hired.

Jared Cowen

The strengths: Was a consensus top five pick who was even getting some fringe consideration as a potential first overall choice until he blew out his knee this season and slid down the rankings. Has the size and mean streak to be the steal of the draft. If paired with Luke Schenn, would likely play his entire career without ever being on the ice for a goal against.

The concern: None. Drafting a can't-miss defensive stud who dropped in the rankings because he wrecked his knee is always a great idea.

Seriously, this is can't miss. Any time you have a chance to take a top ten pick and turn it into Grant Jennings, you have to go for it.

---

This man could someday
break Doug Gilmour's team
record for ridiculous hair.

Magnus Pääjärvi-Svensson

The strengths: MPS, as the kids call him, is a dynamic playmaking winger with excellent size, speed and creativity. Based on raw skill alone he would immediately become the Leafs' best winger, and probably also their second-line center and perhaps backup goalie.

The concern: His name is, literally, impossible to spell. I know this seems petty, but I'm a blogger. This is important to me.

Seriously, take a good long look at it: Magnus Pääjärvi-Svensson. WTF?

I don't know about you, but I don't have a "ä" key on my keyboard, let alone three of them. What kind of person fires off a triple umlaut into one name? Is he a hockey player or an 80s hair metal band?

Here's a little known fact about Magnus Pääjärvi-Svensson: his full name has only ever been typed once. Since then, every single person who has ever written about him has been cutting and pasting from that original version, passing it down to future generations like monks transcribing the bible. If the Leafs draft him, they should create a page on their web site that just says "Magnus Pääjärvi-Svensson" in 36-point font so that writers can easily grab it whenever they need to mention him.

At the very least, can we all agree to ditch the horribly uncreative "MPS" nickname in favor of something better? I'm suggesting "CTRL-V". Who's with me?

---

As you can see, I'm struggling here.

So please, Burkie, get a deal done. Draft John Tavares for us long-suffering Leaf fans, so that we'll finally have a prospect with no downside.

(You know, other than the poor defensive play, mediocre skating, questionable work ethic... oh god...)

Draft note: I'll be blogging on Friday night during the first round of the draft. I won't call it a liveblog, but I'll try to update a few times over the course of the night.

And since I'm apparently the only hockey blogger on the planet who won't be in Montreal this weekend, I may also try to hack into Pension Plan Puppets and post there too. Assuming PPP hasn't changed the site's password ("gillsux"), head over when the Leafs make their pick and commiserate with me.

DGB vs. Mark Osborne: And the winner is...

I received some tough news this week. A lawyer informed me that I am being sued for 48 years of back child support.

You see, as we learned over the past few months, I am Mark Osborne's daddy.

Two months ago I publicly called Osborne out as part of the Score's expert playoff pool. And the results are in.


Yes, in the most predictable outcome since Clark vs Fetisov, I can confirm that I beat Mark Osborne.

No, wait, that's not strong enough. Let's try again: I destroyed Mark Osborne.

Wait, one more: I annihilated Mark Osborne. Yes, that sounds about right.

The lopsided score was made worse when Osborne refused to even submit a pick for the finals. This decision could best be compared to a bloodied boxer refusing to answer the bell for the final round, choosing instead to remain slumped and beaten in his corner.

And, like any respectful opponent in that situation, I charged across the ring and kept wailing on him anyways. As the only expert in the entire challenge to successfully nail the final round pick of Pens in seven, I turned an all-but-certain DGB victory into an epic blowout that small children will learn about in school for years to come.

The good news for Osborne: After seeing how he responded to adversity by rolling over and blatantly quitting, the Ottawa Senators have named him assistant captain.

In all seriousness, Osborne competed valiantly and managed to keep the score fairly close right up until the moment that the contest actually started. And he should feel nothing but pride in his performance.

After all, there can be no shame in losing to somebody who is clearly far smarter than you are.

P.S. Mark, don't forget to send me a Father's Day card.

Leafs vs. Islanders - Oh, the humanity

I've made the point before that you can have your Battle of Ontario, with its ridiculous controversies and over-hyped skirmishes. The most vicious playoff series I've ever seen was the one between the Leafs and the New York Islanders in 2002.

This was the series that featured Shane Corson trying to kick Eric Cairns in the head, Tie Domi speedbagging Jim Cummins, and Steve Webb hitting everything in sight in New York (but disappearing completely in Toronto).

But the most memorable battle in this war came in game five, which featured two serious injuries. First up, here's the one everyone remembers:

Now it's an official NHL bylaw that if you weren't a Leaf fan in 2002, you have to think this hit was dirty and hate Darcy Tucker for it.

But it wasn't. Based on the NHL's rules at the time, it was squeaky clean. The NHL would later add a "clipping" penalty (which is never called) to try to prevent hits like this, but at the time there wasn't anything in the rulebook that said hitting low was illegal.

Years later, a theory emerged as to why Tucker went so low. Apparently the Leafs scouting report on Peca said that he would pretend not to see you coming, then launch himself at your head. So if you're going to hit him, the thinking went, go low. Apparently Tucker agreed.

The hit turned Peca's knee into spaghetti and caused him to launch a summer-long PR campaign against Tucker. The two hated each other for years, right up until Peca signed with the Leafs and they started driving each other's kids to kindergarten.

So yes, Tucker's hit was clean. On the other hand...

Now that's a dirty hit.

Look, I love Gary Roberts as much as the next guy, but this hit is charging, boarding and hitting from behind all rolled into one, not to mention a pretty clear attempt to target a guy's head.

In one of the strangest calls in recent memory, the officials handed Roberts a major but didn't eject him because, in their view, there was no injury on the play. I don't know about you, but I think Jonsson looks kind of injured there. Luckily for Roberts, Jonsson didn't end up bleeding -- probably because the part of his brain that controlled his circulatory system had been turned into sawdust.

Jonsson had a history of concussions and was never quite the same player after this hit. The Islanders asked for a suspension, but the league declined. Roberts later admitted that he delivered the hit because he was sick of Damien Cox over-rating Jonsson just so he could bash Cliff Fletcher for the Wendel Clark trade in 1996.

I may have made that last part up.

The Leafs eventually won the series, but were so banged up that it took them a much-longer-than-usual seven games to eliminate the Senators in round two.

Side note: You can hear Leafs fans cheering both hits, yet I don't remember any manufactured outrage about being "classy". If this happened today, we'd have to put up with hysterical blog post lectures from every Islanders fan in the world. Yes, all six of them.

A word about those "classless" Red Wing fans

So by now you've no doubt heard about the NHL's latest scandal.

On Friday night, during the most important game in recent league history, Detroit Red Wings fans actually cheered when Penguins' captain Sidney Crosby suffered a knee injury in the second period.

For that sin, Wings fans are taking heat today from the media, blogs, and just about everywhere else.

They stand accused of the one apparently unforgivable sin among hockey fans these days: not being "classy".

Yes, it's time to break out the top hats and monocles. Because while the NHL can forgive fans for being fickle, apathetic, and even just plain non-existent, the one thing we simply can not tolerate is a lack of class.

What happened to us?

Years ago, Ranger fans would throw sugar packets at Bobby Clarke because he was diabetic. But today, fans are expected to treat NHL contest like a peewee house league game: lots of encouragement, hearty cheers for trying hard, and all the players get taken out for ice cream at the end of the game.

Wings fans are only the latest ones to be branded with the scarlet "C". Remember when Leafs fans were classless for cheering when Mark Bell crushed Daniel Alfredsson? Apparently any injury must be met with bowed heads, reverent silence, and perhaps some ceremonial candle lighting.

This should be the rule when it comes to injuries: Unless the player is laying motionless or squirting blood into the stands or otherwise showing sign of a career-threatening injury (i.e. the Michael Irvin Exception), there's nothing wrong with cheering a big hit. Nobody likes to see an injury, but hockey is a contact sport and a few bumps and bruises are part of the deal.

But what about Crosby? "When somebody's injured, I don't think that's something to cheer about," Crosby told reporters. Shouldn't Wings fans have taken his feelings into account?

Please. A 21-year-old multi-millionaire tweaks his knee, and some laid off auto-worker in the stands is supposed to worry about making him feel bad?

The bottom line is that Crosby's injury made it more likely that the Wings would win the game -- which, as you may recall, was game seven of the Stanley Cup finals. Does anybody really expect Wings fans to be upset when Pittsburgh's best player leaves the game?

Of course not. Because after all, this isn't about the fans actually doing anything wrong.

It's about the hockey world's most annoying new trend: fake outrage. And it doesn't take much these days to get hockey fans up on their soap boxes.

Every bad call is a conspiracy. Every bloodied nose should be a suspension. And if any crowd makes the slightest bit of noise in support of someone other than your personal favorite team, go online and start calling them classless.

Mike Milbury made headlines this year when he talked about the "pansification" of hockey. Maybe he should have been talking about the fans.

So enough with talk of being "classy". It's become a cliche. We need a one-year moratorium on the term. If you really feel the need to take aim at another team's fanbase, at least work in the tiniest shred of originality.

And besides, all these fans whimpering about "class" should be careful what they wish for.

After all, do you know which fans are indisputably classy? The ones in the lower bowl of the ACC in Toronto. Those fine folks can always be counted on to applaud politely, never raises their voices, and drink their mineral water with their pinky fingers extended.

Yep, they're classy through and through. They're also the worst fans in the entire league, an absolute embarrassment to real hockey fans everywhere.

And it will be a sad day if Detroit fans ever start taking lessons from them.