Tuesday, June 11, 2013

2013 Stanley Cup Final preview

Even Hossa agreed that his stick's Gregory
Campbell impression was in poor taste.

The Stanley Cup Final start tomorrow, which means it's time for an in-depth preview of the two teams that will be competing to be crowned champion.

With the Bruins and Blackhawks this evenly matched, even a small advantage in one area can become the key to victory. Here's a look at each of the crucial matchups that could end up deciding the series.


Blackhawks: Joe Quenneville is a savvy veteran who can be counted on to avoid rookie mistakes, like picking up when his general manager tries to Skype him.
Bruins: Claude Julien has turned the Bruins into perennial Cup contenders thanks to the patented strategy he calls "Always make sure you have pretty much the best goalie in the entire league".


Blackhawks: Patrick Kane has been on fire lately, which is pretty much what you'd expect from something greasy that's frequently soaked in alcohol.
Bruins: Brad Marchand has established himself as one of the best agitators in hockey, in the sense that watching a guy rack up goals and assists against your team in crucial situations can be really agitating.


Blackhawks: Duncan Keith is so talented he can beat you with one hand behind his back, assuming the game you're playing is "slash the other guy in the face from behind".
Bruins: Not many teams have the luxury of sending out two different pairings of 250+ pounders, but the Bruins can, as long as you're willing to count each of Zdeno Chara's limbs.


Blackhawks: Corey Crawford is really excited about the chance to lead the Blackhawks to a Stanley Cup, since he's pretty sure the franchise would be so happy about that that they'd keep him around forever.
Bruins: The Tuukka Rask trade is often called one of the worst in Maple Leafs history but really wasn't that lopsided since Andrew Raycroft was pretty darn good, according to this vaguely familiar-looking Tim Hortons cashier who keeps letting the bagels trickle through his five-hole.

Special teams

Blackhawks: Have been excellent when a man short, which will come in handy since this is a crucial playoff series so the Bruins will inevitably spend half of it with too many men on the ice.
Bruins: Boston sources credit their ability to completely shut down the Penguins powerplay in the conference finals to the outstanding work of goaltender Rask and defenceman Chara and double-agent Iginla and… wait, don't write that last part down.

Historical precedence

Blackhawks: Have not lost a Stanley Cup Final series since facing the Penguins in 1992, which to put it in perspective was so long ago that Jaromir Jagr was still scoring playoff goals.
Bruins: Will be facing the pressure of ending one of the longest championship droughts in the city of Boston's sports history, according to this 12-year-old child you now find yourself repeatedly punching.


Blackhawks: Have been able to overcome heroic individual efforts from opponents who seemed determined to defeat them single-handedly, which will come in handy if Stephen Walkom gets to referee any more games.
Bruins: Continue to be inspired by the dressing room presence of Gregory Campbell as he crawls around on all fours while repeatedly asking whether anyone can give him a ride to a hospital or something.

Fan support

Blackhawks: The experience of hearing the Chicago crowd's reaction to the national anthem has been described as one-of-a-kind, since it's rare to hear that many people all screaming "Thanks for not ruining this moment by spastically fist-pumping, unlike some people we could mention".
Bruins: Opponents are often intimidated by constant barrage of screaming and cheering from the most diehard fan-base in the entire league, although occasionally Jack Edwards quiets down enough that you can hear the spectators as well.

Featuring 70 posts including 24 chapters of exclusive new material, The Best of Down Goes Brown is now available.

Buy it today: Amazon.com | Amazon.ca | Barnes & Noble | Nook | Chapters/Indigo | Kobo | iBooks


  1. LOL! That was the most enjoyable SCF preview I've read yet!

  2. Okay, now I'm ready for the Cup Finals.

  3. Game on!

    (And thank heavens I don't have to listen to Jack Edwards call any of the games.)

    1. Amen to that, Bob! I'll take Doc Emmerick or Gary Thorne any day over jack.

  4. Lets be real, everyone knows Jack Edwards doesn't quiet down

  5. One of the best DGB posts in a while. The Historical precedence section slayed me.

    Well done.

  6. Krueger's first hint should have been when GM MacTavish unfriended him on Facebook and then changed the Oiler's Coach's status to "it's complicated"...