MLSE's Real Sports Bar & Grill: The leaked menu

Last night was the highly anticipated grand opening of MLSE's Real Sports Bar & Grill. The massive establishment is the latest crown jewel in the MLSE corporate empire, and is sure to become Toronto's premier dining destination. Located right outside the ACC, Real Sports will open to the public next week and hosted a special invitation-only sneak peek last night.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to make it due to prior commitments, travel complications, and the restraining order. But some of my spies were able to sneak in and get their hands on one of the menus. Even though it's top secret, I'm publishing it here.

Ever wondered what a Maple Leafs-themed restaurant would serve up? Wonder no more.

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A hockey fan's guide to the World Cup

The Canadian referee kept waving off
goals due to distinctive kicking motions

Hockey fans experiencing withdrawal after the end of the NHL season got some good news when the FIFA World Cup began on Friday. But while hockey fans would no doubt appreciate the spectacle of the world's most popular sporting event, many don't understand the "beautiful game".

On the surface, the World Cup is actually quite similar to the NHL. But while there are several difference, many are subtle and may prove confusing for novice fans. That's why I put a call out to DGB's various international bureaus, and together we put together this guide for hockey fans hoping to follow the World Cup action over the coming month.

The World Cup: If you see a guy wearing flamboyant clothing who is struggling to communicate with you in English, he is likely a diehard fan who was travelled from an exotic foreign land to attend the game.
The NHL: If you see a guy wearing flamboyant clothing who is struggling to communicate with you in English, he is likely Don Cherry.

The World Cup: The sport is called "football", although Americans often refer to it as "soccer".
The NHL: The sport is called "hockey", although Americans often refer to it as "something to watch if there's no baseball, football, basketball, golf, Nascar, poker, MMA, fishing or bowling on TV".

The World Cup: "Injury time" refers to the additional playing time added to the end of each half at the discretion of the referee.
The NHL: "Injury time" refers to whenever Rick DiPietro steps on the ice.

The World Cup: Watching a game can be almost unbearable thanks to the "vuvuzela", a South African noisemaking horn that produces a horribly annoying noise that drones on nonstop for the entire game, leaving you fighting the urge to hurl the remote through your TV screen.
The NHL: Pierre McGuire.

The World Cup: The games can start as early as 7:30 a.m., due to differences in international time zones.
The NHL: The games can start as early as 7:30 a.m., due to NBC not wanting to preempt any important infomercials or horse racing pregame shows later that afternoon.

The World Cup: In 1986, the "Hand of God" sent Argentina into the semi-finals at Mexico City.
The NHL: In 1993, the "Hand of God" sent Marty McSorley's eyeball into the fifteenth row at Maple Leaf Gardens.

The World Cup: A player will occasionally be granted a "penalty kick", presenting him with so much open net to shoot at that he's virtually guaranteed to score as long as he doesn't miss the net or hit the post.
The NHL: This is known as "shooting against Vesa Toskala".

The World Cup: The last thing anyone wants to see is a referee holding a red card.
The NHL: The last thing anyone wants to see is Chris Neil holding a credit card.

The World Cup: In an embarrassing display that any self-respecting sports fan would feel nauseated by, players will often react to even the slightest contact by pretending to be injured while rolling around pathetically on the grass.
The NHL: Completely different. The game is played on ice instead of grass.

The World Cup: Riot police must often use tear gas, armoured vehicles and water cannons to subdue reckless perpetrators of violence known as "hooligans".
The NHL: Riot police must often use tear gas, armoured vehicles and water cannons to subdue reckless perpetrators of violence known as "Chris Pronger".

The World Cup: Canadian teams never win.
The NHL: Same.

The World Cup: If you notice a player wearing a different jersey than his teammates, it's because he is the goalie.
The NHL: If you notice a player wearing a different jersey than his teammates, it's because he arrived five minutes late and his team had already done another jersey redesign.

The World Cup: A game which is played under standard rules but won't have any actual impact on the final standings or eventual champion is known as a "friendly".
The NHL: A game which is played under standard rules but won't have any actual impact on the final standings or eventual champion is known as a "Maple Leafs regular season game after mid-November".

Leaked: Brian Burke's letter to the other 29 GMs about Tomas Kaberle

Without question, the biggest story in hockey this week is the continuing trade rumors swirling around Tomas Kaberle. According to reports, Brian Burke recently sent a letter to the league's other 29 GMs to clarify the circumstances around Kaberle's no-trade clause.

Hockey fans around the world were curious: What did Burke have to say in that letter? Did he tip his hand?

Well, thanks to some top secret DGB sources, you're about to find out. I was able to obtain a copy of the letter Burke sent to his fellow GMs, and I've posted it here for everyone to see. I think it sheds a lot of light on how he's approaching the process.

(It goes without saying, but I can't reveal the source of this document. It was given to me in the strictest confidence, and there's no doubt Burke would go ballistic if he knew who was leaking his private communications.)

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Things to do now that the NHL season is over

And so another NHL season ends. The 2009-2010 NHL season is officially in the books, thanks to tonight's game that ended with Chicago Blackhawks all skating around with some big silver trophy that I didn't recognize but which seemed to be important.

And if you're a typical hardcore fan who's been watching every game you could since October, you're probably wondering: what the heck am I supposed to do now?

Never fear. Even though it's difficult to pass the time without a hockey game to watch, it's not impossible. There are plenty of useful ways you could spend your off-season. And here's a few ideas just to get you started:

• Buy an expensive bottle of wine, light a few candles, cook a romantic meal, and eat it alone in the dark after realizing your spouse left you two months ago.
  
  
• Head to library and sign out a collection of the world's greatest sonnets; come home and see if any of them are the right size to prop up that wobbly leg on your bigscreen TV stand.
  
  
• Find a sports bar showing a few different baseball games, settle in, and watch somebody throw a perfect game.
  
  
• Call realtor. Cancel cable. Start packing. (Note: Tomas Kaberle only.)
  
  
• Touch up resume, send it to the Chicago Tribune for upcoming sports editor vacancy.
  
  
• Try to remember the last time you fed your puppy. In unrelated task, attempt to find the source of that awful smell coming from the crawlspace.
  
  
• Try to arrange for a few days off work by requesting vacation time, getting a friend to pick up a few shifts, or criticizing Cito Gaston.
  
  
• Tune in to CNN, find out how they ended up stopping that oil spill you heard about back in April.
  
  
• Figure out the names of the guys in the band that sings that "Chelsea Dagger" song. Find them. Punch them all repeatedly in the face.
  
  
• Hope against hope that, somehow, some other sport will emerge to satisfy your passion for low-scoring games, "Ole Ole" chants, and Europeans flopping around on the ground even though nobody touched them.
  
  
• Find a Leaf fan, ask them what they've been doing for fun since November.
  
  
• Anything you want, but do it quickly -- training camp starts on Monday.
  

Signs your favorite player may be bankrupt

Keep punching, Milan. They pay $20 per pint.

We heard some surprising news from Ottawa today, with reports that Senators' winger Chris Neil is apparently bankrupt. While the case appears to involve a family business and not Neil directly, he's still on the hook to creditors for $2.4 million.

Many hockey fans are stunned -- how can a guy who recently signed an $8 million contract find himself in financial trouble? Unfortunately, this sort of story turns out not to be an uncommon one in the league. Despite their high salaries, many players find themselves in severe financial difficulty.

Could it happen to your favorite player? Maybe. Just in case, here are some subtle signs that an NHL player may be broke:

• After every victory, he digs up center ice to see if anyone hid a toonie in it.
  
  
• If his team ever wins a championship, his plans for his "day with the Cup" involves sitting on a street corner and shaking it at passers-by.
  
  
• His new dental bridge appears to be made out of paper mache, duct tape, and seven of Duncan Keith's old teeth.
  
  
• Every time he goes out to eat, he tries to convince one of the Canadiens forwards to order him something from the kid's menu.
  
  
• His current salary cap hit is negative fourteen million dollars.
  
  
• He walks around looking like he spent five dollars on his haircut, instead of seven dollars like all his teammates.
  
  
• Every time the zamboni slows down, he jumps out and starts trying to squeegee its windshield.
  
  
• On Twitter, Allan Walsh keeps referring to him as "Client Mr. Better-Pay-His-Agent-If-He-Still-Wants-To-Have-Kneecaps".
  
  
• Several weeks ago, he offered to buy Dustin Byfulgien lunch.
  
  
• He's drowning in so much red ink that Ron Maclean immediately breaks into his slow motion Hasselhoff beach sprint every time he sees him.
  
  
• Instead of a playoff beard or playoff moustache, he's currently rocking a playoff GoldenPalace.com forehead tattoo.
  
  
• When the Edmonton Oilers call with a contract offer, he answers the phone.
  
  
• He's started blogging for Hockeybuzz. (Wait, I'm sorry, that was meant for the list of "Signs your favorite player is morally bankrupt").
  
  
• He's so desperate for money that he's started posing for newspaper covers wearing a skirt.
  
  
• Gary Bettman just legally adopted him.

Chris Pronger's other jerk moves

And then I told Carcillo:
"No, the moustache looks awesome".

While the Chicago Blackhawks have staked out a 2-0 lead in the Stanley Cup Finals, all anyone seems to want to talk about today is Chris Pronger. The Flyers' defenceman has been accused of poor sportsmanship after shooting a towel at Chicago's Ben Eager and twice stealing the puck after the final buzzer.

Sadly, this sort of behaviour isn't new for Pronger. In fact, throughout his career he's become notorious for a series of incidents in which his actions were inappropriate, unprofessional, and just downright mean.

Here are some of the most memorable:

• Was suspended during the Stanley Cup Finals after delivering a vicious elbow to the head of Ottawa's Dean McAmmond, outraging fans around the world who were really hoping he'd get Chris Neil instead.
  
  
• At 1993 entry draft, rudely stole the spotlight from #1 overall pick Alexandre Daigle by turning out to be like a hundred times better than him.
  
  
• Once got bored during the Vancouver Olympics opening ceremonies, wandered to the backstage area, and cross-checked the guy in charge of making sure all the cauldrons were working in the throat.
  
  
• Has been known to slack off and go up to two full years without single-handedly dragging a team to the Stanley Cup finals.
  
  
• Caused a long delay during a 1998 game when he claimed to suffer a brief cardiac arrest after being hit with a slapshot directly above the heart, as if he has one.
  
  
• Demanded a trade out of Edmonton in 2006, selfishly placing the desires of his wife and children above those of a company that had employed him for almost an entire year.
  
  
• His hilariously sarcastic press conference performance after game one turned out to be a word-for-word recitation of Bill Hicks' Arizona Bay album.
  
  
• Was once suspended eight games for stomping in Ryan Kesler's leg with his skate, which was kind of odd, since it was August and Kesler was napping on a beach at the time.
  
  
• When presented with a seven-year contract offer from the Flyers last year, immediately signed it instead of politely saying "Um, maybe you should go back and re-read the CBA".
  
  
• Knows full well that Flyers could have swept the Bruins, but convinced teammates to spot them a 3-0 series lead "just to mess with them".
  
  
• Once borrowed Riley Cote's copy of Schopenhauer's On the Fourfold Root of the Principle of Sufficient Reason; returned it the next morning all dog-eared.
  
  
• Post-loss ritual: cruise interstate looking for families stranded on the side of the highway with flat tire; pull over; slash other three tires; drive away.
  
  
• During NBC telecasts of Flyers games, constantly leans over to Pierre McGuire and says "I don't think they can hear you, maybe try speaking louder."
  
  
• After every playoff game this year, calls up John Stevens and leaves him a detailed message about how much fun it was.
  
  
• You know when you have to get up early the next day but you can't sleep because some idiot's car alarm is going off all night long right below your window? Yeah, that's him.
  
  
• Walks around the league like he's better than everyone, when in reality he's only better than 97% of them.
  
  
• Immediately demands a trade every time he finds out that Joffrey Lupul has finished unpacking.
  
  
• Lead the Anaheim Ducks to a Stanley Cup after being acquired in a deal with the Oilers, which apparently gave GM Brian Burke the idea that trading two first round picks for a star player is a good idea.
  
  
• Is often rude and uncooperative with members of the media, even those he is currently sleeping with.

Other ways the NHL is trying to attract new referees

The Swedish league rulebook includes a minor
penalty for executing the Randy Savage elbow drop.

While it was lost in the playoff hype, the NHL made some history last week when they announced the hiring of their first European referee. Marcus Vinnerborg is a veteran of the Swedish elite league who is well-respected in his home country for his rare ability to make difficult decisions in less than six months.

While it's always nice to see a barrier broken, the story also illustrates the difficulty the league is having in filling out its referee roster. The league needs more officials than ever thanks to expansion and the two-man system, but with several veterans retiring it's become a significant challenge to find enough qualified referee.

That's why I'm happy to report that the league is getting creative. Looking outside of North America is just the first step in a detailed new program the league has launched to help it attract and retain enough referees.

Other steps include:

• The league will no longer limit hiring pool to officials who hate the Vancouver Canucks; just detesting them will now be good enough.
  
  
• Officials will now be allowed to supplement income by keeping all the change Flyers fans throw at them.
  
  
• The league will no longer cut costs on uniforms by only hiring officials who are already employees of Foot Locker.
  
  
• Get with the times by allowing all referees to telecommute from home once a week.
  
  
• Reduce the length of the overly complicated application form by getting rid of questions like "Can you tell the difference between the numbers 32 and 36?", since really, when is that ever going to come up?
  
  
• Maybe return the calls of this Tim Donaghy guy; he claims to have all sort of ideas about how officials can increase their income.
  
  
• Install a pre-game open bar in the officials' locker room, replacing the current cash bar.
  
  
• Referees will now be allowed to order an in-depth video replay review of those two hot chicks in section 203.
  
  
• Start paying every official a $10 cash bonus for every too-many-men penalty they call. (Note: Rule enacted prior to 2010 playoffs.)
  
  
• In addition to the special plaque and the Swiss Chalet gift certificate, the employee of month will now also earn one free swing at Maxim Lapierre.
  
  
• The popular "Kiss Cam" feature will no longer include hidden camera footage form the previous night of the home team's star player making out with the referee's wife.
  
  
• Outsource the whole damn thing to India.
  

Why are the Ottawa Senators losing money?

Melnyk was devastated to learn the post
would not include any Heatley jokes.

According to news reports, the Ottawa Senators lost money this season for the second year in a row. When I first read that, I assumed it was a mistake. I'm sure most of you did too.

After all, the game is booming in Canada. TV ratings are soaring, the dollar is strong, and there's even talk of adding more teams in the Great White North. How is it possible that a team in a city that unironically calls itself "Hockey Country" could be losing money?

Unfortunately, it's true. And after crunching some numbers and holding off-the-record discussions with several front office staff, I think I know why.

• That whole "Alexei Kovalev will act like he vaguely gives a crap or your money back" promotion was probably a bad idea.
  
  
• Foolishly bet Mike Fisher $100 that he wouldn't have the guts to ask out the next former reality show C-lister who walked through the door.
  
  
• Probably should have listened to Andy Sutton and ensured that financial advisors were, in fact, experts.
  
  
• Fans must remember that markets like Toronto and Montreal have certain geographical advantages, such as a larger population base, a more established business community, and an arena that's actually accessible by paved roads.
  
  
• Were stuck paying Jonathan Cheechoo's $3.5 million annual salary, which over the course of the entire season worked out to $7 million per goal.
  
  
• Owner Eugene Melnyk in unconcerned about profits and won't hesitate to spend money because he is completely committed to bringing a championship to the city of Ottawa, or at least that's what he told everyone when he showed up for that one game five months ago.
  
  
• It gets expensive sending a new floral arrangement to Matt Carkner's widow every time Colton Orr comes to town.
  
  
• What, you think designing a new uniform every three months is free?
  
  
• Every time he sees the "how acquired" line in Chris Campoli's media guide bio, Bryan Murray throws another plasma TV through the press box window.
  
  
• The dismissal of longtime club president Roy Mlakar had a devastating impact on revenues from the office swear jar.
  
  
• An increasingly desperate desire to please fans lead to an irresponsible series of costly giveaways. (Wait, I'm sorry, that was meant for the list of "Reasons the Senators should trade Jason Spezza".)
  
  
• For several games in December, briefly exceeded operations budget by hiring a second goddamned parking lot attendant.
  
  
• Are still paying the buyout on the Crazy Fat Motivational Gladiator Guy's contract.
  
  
• What can we say, elite goaltending ain't cheap.
  
  
• Gosh, we have no idea. After all, Ottawa is such an amazing sports town.
  
  
• That futuristic biomechanical exoskeleton we had to install in Daniel Alfredsson after the Mark Bell hit takes like a million batteries.
  
  
• In hindsight, Spartacat's "Crowned Rack of Lamb with Saffron Rice and Apricot-Mint Sauce Master Blaster" probably would have still been popular if we'd just used hot dogs.
  

Boston Bruins excuses

Everyone agreed his Marc Savard
impression was bang-on.

The Boston Bruins' recent loss to the Flyers has earned them a special place in history. By blowing a 3-0 lead in both the series and the decisive game seven, the Bruins have laid a legitimate claim to the title of the NHL's all-time greatest collapse -- and maybe even in all of sports.

What went wrong? Plenty, as it turns out. And since there's no question that devastated Bruins fans deserve an explanation, I set out to determine what happened. After several days of in-depth interviews with Bruins players and staff, I think I have a pretty good handle on why the Bruins fell apart the way they did.

And to be honest, after compiling this list I'm not sure I can blame them.

• Probably shouldn't have believed Daniel Carcillo when he swore to us that conference semifinal series were best-of-five.
  
  
• We were hoping to draw energy from home crowd, but instead they spent the entire game sitting in silence waiting for Bill Simmons to tell them what to chant.
  
  
• Were getting tired of seeing lazy media and bloggers refer to every blown second-period lead as an "epic collapse"; wanted to remind everyone what that phrase really means.
  
  
• Tricky Flyers play totally different indoors.
  
  
• Just weren't able to shut down opposition scorers during the four minutes a night that Zdeno Chara isn't on the ice.
  
  
• Some fans from Buffalo coughed on us in round one; may have picked up that "inevitable devastating soul-crushing defeat" virus that everyone in that city seems to have.
  
  
• Claude Julien would like to someday pursue a career in television, and blowing a game seven with an inexcusable too-many-men penalty seems to be a great way to do that.
  
  
• Didn't know how best to attack Flyers net, thanks to lazy scouts who only filed reports on the top ten goalies on the depth chart.
  
  
• Figured we could get away with it, since Boston sports fans aren't the type of people who would witness a a 3-0 series comeback and then go on and on about it non-stop for years until everyone else in the sports world wanted to set them on fire.
  
  
• It's probably wishful thinking, but can't help but wonder if having some sort of dynamic 22-year-old sniper on the first line would have come in handy.
  
  
• Younger players were distracted by the excitement of seeing Sea Bass from "Dumb and Dumber" wandering around the pressbox.
  
  
• Yeah, like you'd want to be anywhere near Montreal these days.
  
  
• Every time coach Julien tried to give a firey speech about how the Bruins franchise demands excellence from all players at all times, everyone would get distracted by Tim Thomas sitting at the back of the room noisily eating a bag of $100 bills.
  
  
• In hindsight, the "What Would Lebron Do?" bracelets may have been a mistake.
  

Other Daniel Carcillo lies

"Flyer fans will react rationally to this post
in the comment section. Ha, lied again!"

Tonight's game two of the Flyers/Bruins series included a controversial first period play that saw Daniel Carcillo flop to the ice clutching his head after a Steve Begin hit to his shoulder. Combined with his attempt to draw a high-sticking penalty against the Devils in the first round after being struck in the hand, Carcillo is quickly earning a reputation as one of the league's most notorious fakers.

Now Carcillo is certainly not the league's only diver, and some might argue that he's simply doing his job -- trying to gain an advantage for his team through any means possible. But sadly, these two incidents haven't happened in isolation. League sources have told me that this is actually part of a pattern of habitual dishonesty on Carcillo's part.

A quick review of recent incidents seems to support that. Here are just ten more recent examples of Daniel Carcillo's lies.

• Has described his facial hair as a "child molestor's moustache", when it's actually more of a "child molestor's van dyke".
  
  
• Has been heard referring to the Philadelphia Flyers as "a tough but honorable team with a reputation for playing the game the right way", when in fact that was only true up until March 4, 2009.
  
  
• Upon hearing "Free to Be" during a pre-game warmup in Toronto this year, referred to it as "not the worst song I've ever heard".
  
  
• Told officials that he had been bitten by Marc Savard during a first period scrum tonight; in actuality, Savard has been taking all his meals through a straw since early March.
  
  
• Told the Hockey News his favorite movie was Old School; is actually Fritz Lang's 1922 silent classic Dr. Mabuse der Spieler.
  
  
• Was once overheard describing the Potvin/Hextall fight as "a draw".
  
  
• During a poker game on a team flight, once bet out like he had hit his flush on the river when he totally hadn't.
  
  
• Swore to Scott Hartnell that he had no idea why Jeff Carter's toothbrush kept turning up in his bathroom.
  
  
• During the last few months of the Flyers season, frequently pretended he knew what that backup goalie's name was.
  
  
• When asked tonight by reporters if the Flyers can still win their series against the Bruins, replied "yes".
  

The NHL partners with Facebook

The NHL recently announced that it had integrated Facebook with NHL.com. And while that initially sounded like a cool idea, it quickly became apparent that it wasn't all it was hyped up to be. All the site had done was add some of those annoying "like" buttons to various pages. No big deal.

Or was it? My sources within the NHL's interactive marketing team have told me that last week's launch was just an appetizer. Very soon, NHL fans will be able to enjoy the full Facebook experience.

Here are just a few examples of features that will be rolling out soon:

• Upload your photos from your drunken all-night bar crawl; Facebook will automatically sort through and tag Shane O'Brien in all of them.
  
  
• Fans can now post a message on the league's wall, then get slammed face first into it from behind by Marian Hossa.
  
  
• Connect with NHL teams by clicking the "Become a fan" button (note: button no longer available in the southeast United States).
  
  
• You will receive an endless and annoying stream of Mafia Wars invitations from Sergei and Andrei Kostitsyn.
  
  
• I'm not sure, but I think only Leaf fans are seeing this one:
  
  
  
  
  
• The league will automatically search through your photo album and fine you for every headshot.
  
  
• The Facebook messaging system will now detect any hockey-related emails you send and automatically forward them to Paul Kelly.
  
  
• In an effort to keep up with the NHL on the cutting edge, the CFL has announced an integration deal with Friendster.
  
  
• Help the Washington Capitals stay in peak physical condition by playing the world's most popular online game: Pharm-Ville
  
  
• And finally, remember those "like" buttons on the NHL Teams page? Soon, they'll be replaced with specific buttons for each team. Here's a screen grab from the beta version:

If you liked this post, you might also like:

• The Maple Leafs' Facebook feed
  
• Brian Burke's Twitter
  
• Gary Bettman's Gmail
  
• And don't forget to follow me on twitter and/or subscribe via RSS

Tips for winning your office playoff pool

It's the day after the end of the NHL's regular season, and that means that millions of hockey fans around the world will soon be drafting teams for their annual playoff pool.

Some people claim that playoff pools are all luck. Nonsense. Not only can you win your office pool, but you can dominate. But you need to go into your draft with a strategy.

Are you tired of being the Marian Hossa of your office pool? If so, change your luck this year by following the tips below:

• When faced with a choice between two players with similar talent levels and statistical output, it's generally a good idea to lean towards the one whose team qualified for the post-season.
  
  
• Joe Thornton, Patrick Marleau and Dany Heatley would all make for excellent first-round selections in playoff pools that don't count stats such as goals and assists.
  
  
• You should absolutely feel free to draft players from the Eastern Conference once all the players from the good teams are gone.
  
  
• The Phoenix Coyotes finished with 107 points. It might be a good idea to Google them to see if you can figure out the names of some of their players.
  
  
• If there are fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs taking part in your draft, remember to build in some extra time at the start for explaining what "playoffs" means.
  
  
• Before picking Chris Phillips, double-check your rules to make sure your pool doesn't only count playoff goals scored against the other team.
  
  
• Avalanche goalie Craig Anderson probably won't get you many wins or shutouts. But if your pool has a category for "Having the same haircut as Friar Tuck from Rocket Robin Hood"... well then, ka-ching!
  
  
• Wherever possible, load up on players from the two highest scoring teams: The Washington Capitals, and whoever is playing against the Washington Capitals.
  
  
• Yes, it will be tempting to pick Ryan Miller based on his MVP-calibre season. But don't forget that he plays in Buffalo, so something horrible is going to happen to him.
  
  
• Many "experts" will tell you to avoid Russian players, since as Europeans they don't care about the Stanley Cup as much as North Americans and won't be willing to do the hard work it takes to win one. This is nonsense. Russia is technically part of Asia.
  
  
• Office pools with coworkers are lots of fun. But remember, if you work in the newspaper industry be sure to get everyone's money in advance in case your paper goes out of business before June.
  
  
• When doing projections for Philadelphia Flyers forwards, remember to factor in the fact that they'll all probably be forced to play goalie at some point.
  
  
• Wherever possible, focus on players that appear to be well-rested. For example, savvy veteran Matt Cooke recently took a refreshing ten-minute nap in the middle of a game.

A fond farewell to the retiring Kerry Fraser

Unfortunately, he found a pulse

After 30 years and over 1,900 games, this Sunday's Flyers/Rangers tilt will mark the final game of longtime NHL referee Kerry Fraser's career.

OK, OK, I know where you think I'm going with this. After all, Fraser's infamous missed call on Wayne Gretzky's high-stick arguably cost the Leafs a spot in the Stanley Cup Finals, and many fans have never forgiven him. I may even have mentioned it once or twice.

But whatever you may think about that incident, the fact remains that it was one call in long career. So rather than go the predictable route and use the occasion as one last chance to pile cheap shots on the poor guy, I'm going to take the high road and focus on the positive.

So in that spirit, I invite you to join me in celebrating a successful career with this list of Good Things About Kerry Fraser.

• Was an independent spirit, and not some weak-kneed conformist who made all his difficult decisions based on what's written down in some sort of "rule book".
  
  
• Taught you at an early age that life is unfair, justice is a myth, and that we live in a cold and uncaring universe that will feed you small morsels of hope only to crush and mock you -- all of which most people don't get to find out until they're much older.
  
  
• Is often unfairly referred to as "evil", which theologians will tell you is not only inaccurate but actually impossible as it implies the presence of a soul.
  
  
• Scientists researching the effects of severe head injuries say that the comment section of the Gretzky/Gilmour youtube video has proven to be an invaluable resource in locating victims of undiagnosed brain trauma.
  
  
• Had a distinctive hair style, which would have no doubt spawned countless hilarious jokes from the media if only they had ever noticed it.
  
  
• Always dealt graciously with criticism; in fact, you could give him the finger right in front of his face and he would just stand there as if he didn't even see it.
  
  
• By helping the Kings make it to the 1993 Conference Finals, he was at least partially responsible for the subsequent wave of expansion into southern American markets. And look how great that's worked out!
  
  
• If you were going to compile a list of best top red-headed sports officials of all time, you could make a pretty strong case for him being in the Top 100.
  
  
• As best anyone can tell, probably had nothing to do with the writing or recording of "Free to Be".
  
  
• By forcing Marty McSorley to use a stick with less curve, was indirectly responsible for the delivery of serious blunt force trauma to Donald Brashear's head.
  
  
• Has gone over ten years without screwing over any members of the Hartford Whalers.
  
  
• Certainly disproved that whole "vertical stripes make you look taller" myth.
  
  
• He's pretty much the last active NHLer who remembers what it's like to participate in a meaningful Leafs playoff game.

The NHL's most memorable comebacks

Hey, why are there so
many Leafs on the course?

The big story in sports this week is the return of Tiger Woods. Four months after his headline-grabbing scandal, the world's most famous athlete will make his much-anticipated comeback this weekend at the Masters.

There's little question that the NHL has never seen anything quite like this week's PGA circus. But that's not to say that hockey hasn't seen its share of comebacks.

In fact, more than a few NHLers have made dramatic returns after an absence from their sport. Let's look back at some of the most memorable:

March 2, 1993 - After being diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma, Mario Lemieux returns to the Penguins' lineup. He goes on to capture the league scoring title and MVP award despite missing two full months, undergoing grueling radiation treatments, and being confined at all times to a hospital bed in rural Pittsburgh.

May 24, 2000 - After missing several months due to a career-threatening concussion, Eric Lindros returns to the lineup for the Philadelphia Flyers and immediately gets back to doing what he does best: suffering a career-threatening concussion.

March 4, 2010 - Lee Stempniak records a goal for the Phoenix Coyotes in his return to the NHL after a 16-month absence.

July 7, 2003 - Dominik Hasek announces his intention to return to the Detroit Red Wings after a one-year retirement. Or maybe he was trying to order a pizza. Nobody has ever really understood a word that guy said.

October 5, 2001 - Nearly 18 months after suffering a gruesome eye injury, Bryan Berard returns to the NHL has a member of the New York Rangers. Berard becomes the first NHLer to return to the league despite being declared legally blind since Kerry Fraser in 1993.

January 19, 2009 - The San Jose Sharks recall 43-year-old winger Claude Lemieux, six years after his retirement from the league. Lemieux tells reporters that he chose the Sharks for his comeback because of their need for a veteran presence, his friendship with general manager Doug Wilson, and the fact that he's really too old to be playing more than one playoff round.

September 19, 2009 - Theo Fleury scores in a pre-season shootout for Calgary after a seven-year absence from the NHL. His inspiring comeback attempt ends weeks later, when the Flames release him after realizing he is not a former Maple Leafs third-liner.

March 5, 2009 - Sean Avery returns to the NHL after a three month absence due to the most shocking and controversial sex scandal in NHL history; or, as the rest of the sports world would call it, a slightly off-color joke.

May 27, 1993 - In the midst of the Kings/Leafs conference final series, Wayne Gretzky makes a miraculous recovery from a career threatening case of piano-on-back.

April 9, 2002 - Canadiens' captain Saku Koivu makes his return after a seven-month battle with cancer. Montreal fans are so moved by his recovery that they give him an emotional eight-minute standing ovation, before immediately spilling out onto the street to smash hospital windows and set ambulances on fire.

October 5, 2005 - In a bizarre coincidence, every single player in the entire league returns to action after an identical one-year absence.

October 5, 2000 - Alexei Yashin returns to the Ottawa Senators lineup after holding out for an entire year. He goes on to have a mediocre regular season and then disappears in the playoffs, leading the hockey world to conclude that anyone who would trade for him now would have to be a complete idiot.

April Fools - NHL style

It's April 1, and here at Down Goes Brown that means two things: the Leafs have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, and it's time for the annual April Fools post.

So just like in 2008 and 2009, let's see if we can come up with some practical jokes and wacky pranks that various NHL personalities could play on each other today.

Marc Savard - Playfully tease Matt Cooke when he asks if you've forgiven him by blinking twice for "no" instead of once for "yes".

Taylor Hall - Call Brian Burke; tell him you just checked the standings and are wondering why no Leafs scouts ever come to your games.

Phoenix Coyotes - Send out season ticket renewal forms with a Winnipeg return address.

Alexander Ovechkin - Scare Ted Leonsis by telling him that you were a regular client of that steroid-dealing chiropractor. Quickly reassure him that in truth you've never even seen a chiropractor, since you've never suffered from any back problems at all unless you want to count all that acne.

2K Sports - Pick some random second-liner from an insignificant team; tell him he's been chosen for the cover of NHL 2K11.

Stephane Auger - Before tonight's game, inform one of the players that you're planning to "get him", when in fact you're really planning to get a completely different player.

Gary Bettman - Make a hilarious announcement that blindside hits will now result in suspensions but not penalties, as if any self-respecting league would ever do such a thing.

Joe Thornton - Completely forget how to be an effective hockey player. (Not actually a prank; more of an annual April tradition.)

Pat Quinn - Tell team that it's really important to give their best effort during their remaining games because they still matter somehow.

Mario Lemieux - Over breakfast, jokingly suggest to Sidney Crosby that maybe it's time for him to move out and get his own place like an actual man would do.

Jonathan Toews - Confuse Blackhawk fans by posing for a massive highway billboard next to a strange trophy none of them have ever seen before.

Florida Panthers - During boring team meeting, throw paper airplane at David Booth that hits him right in the head! Ha, he never even saw -- oh god, I think we killed him.

Shane O'Brien - When the bartender asks if you want to buy another round, humorously reply "No thank you, because I am a professional athlete and I have practice tomorrow".

ESPN's NHL player survey: The missing questions

Survey says...

The April 5th issue of ESPN The Magazine will contain the annual NHL player's poll, in which 50 players were asked about a variety of subjects. The poll yielded some interesting results, as players weighed in on topics such as PEDs, officiating, groupies, and more.

But something's wrong. All the media reports, and even the actual ESPN article, only make reference to 20 questions. And I happen to know there were 30, because I have a copy of the full results.

I don't know why the extra ten questions haven't been reported on. I'm thinking it may have just been an oversight. So I'm going to fix that right now, by revealing the ten NHL player poll questions ESPN forgot to tell you about.

The players are currently hiring a new head for the player's association. What is the most important qualification that your ideal candidate would have?
13% - Experience recovering from disastrous work stoppages.
11% - Inability to hack into e-mail systems.
8% - Some vague sense of familiarity with the sport of hockey, although to be honest that's really more of a "nice-to-have".
68% - We have a player's association?

Which team would you least like to be playing for?
13% - Columbus Blue Jackets
16% - Florida Panthers
12% - New York Islanders
59% - Whoever has to play the Red Wings in the first round of the playoffs.

Do you think Alexander Ovechkin will hit the 50-goal mark this season?
74% - Yes
15% - No
11% - Only if it turns its back to him first

The NHL is rumored to be considering another round of expansion. Would this be a good idea?
31% - No.
28% - No!
24% - Good lord, no.
17% - Yes.
17% - Just kidding... but seriously: No.

Should the NHL alter its overtime format for the playoffs?
23% - Yes, introduce 4-on-4 overtime for the playoffs.
17% - Yes, introduce the shootout for the playoffs.
45% - No, do not change the overtime format for the playoffs.
5% - I am a member of the Toronto Maple Leafs and I do not understand the question.

Do you think it's ridiculous that in today's NHL, a team can lose more games than they win and still be considered over .500?
58% - Yes
54% - No

Travis Moen recent suffered a gruesome eye injury that nearly ended his career. Why don't more players wear visors?
27% - Find that it reduces peripheral vision.
34% - Stigma that tough players don't wear them.
22% - Not necessary since chance of suffering a serious eye injury are probably small.
17% - What? Who said that? Is there somebody in the room?

What's the single most important thing a hockey player can accomplish during their career?
23% - Stanley Cup championship
18% - Olympic gold medal
13% - Hall of Fame induction
38% - Trade out of Edmonton

There is growing concern over the number of serious injuries to NHL players. What's your best advice to fellow players on staying healthy?
19% - Hide behind the mascot any time Shea Weber winds up for a slapshot.
25% - Spend a lot of time standing next to Rick DiPietro; at least you'll look healthy by comparison.
12% - Never make eye contact with Colton Orr.
34% - Try to get an appointment with the Capitals' team "chiropractor".

The Winter Classic has become an unqualified success, generating massive fan interest and historic television ratings. How will the NHL ruin it?
11% - Hold it more than once per season.
10% - Play the game in indoor stadiums in southern markets like Dallas.
15% - Start re-using the same teams every year.
64% - Not sure, but have an absolute and unwavering faith that Gary Bettman will figure something out.

The NHLPA's very good reasons for stalling on the headshot rule

Oh, get up, you're head
is still mostly attached.

The NHL announced tonight that the Board of Governors has approved the new rule on blindside headshots. But wait -- the NHLPA hasn't had a chance to vote on the rule yet, and they say they need more time to consider the proposal. The NHLPA says that means the rule can't go through. The NHL says it can. Confusion reigns.

Meanwhile, the NHLPA is taking all sorts of heat for not moving quickly on the issue. More than a few observers have pointed out that it's the players who are getting their brains scrambled on these hits, and it should be the players who are leading the charge to outlaw them.

Instead, they seem to prefer what Jason Spezza has referred to as "a band-aid fix". Since, as we all know, bandaids are an appropriate way to deal with catastrophic head wounds.

Everyone's so busy attacking the NHLPA that nobody has asked for their side of the story. Well I did. And it turns out the association has plenty of very good reasons for taking its time on this issue. They were even kind enough to send me the full list:

• Our younger players were convinced to reconsider the need for a rule change after hearing a persuasive presentation from veteran players entitled "Hey, we've been taking headshots our whole career and you don't see us banana toolbox salamander".
  
  
• We're all big fans of Swingers, and are hesitant to do anything that would prevent us from making each other's heads bleed.
  
  
• We've been subjected to a relentless lobbying campaign from the nation's powerful stretcher industry.
  
  
• Many of us are good friends with the media who cover us, and we'd hate to resolve this and force them to actually come up with something else to write about.
  
  
• Players could protect themselves from headshots if they'd just take a few simple precautions. For example, Zdeno Chara suggested that we all try being 6'9".
  
  
• We're still seeking confirmation from the league that a ban on headshots won't impact on our ability to pwn each other in Call of Duty.
  
  
• We're trying to get feedback from every player, but no, lazy guys like Marc Savard would apparently rather just lay around in bed all day.
  
  
• It's taking us several days to explain to Jason Spezza what a "bodycheck" is.
  
  
• American players finally have nationalized health care -- it's only fair that they all get a chance to use it.
  
  
• We're pretty sure that if we can draw this out just a few more days, Mike Milbury will end up physically attacking Pierre McGuire. And then we all win.
  
  
• We're not really into that whole "taking decisive action" scene; that's more of an NFL thing.
  
  
• We're still studying several detailed proposals from Chris Chelios, who for some reason seems really interested in protecting the player's brains. Their tasty, tasty brains.
  
  
• Hey, excuse us if it takes us a little longer than normal to think this stuff through. If you hadn't noticed, we've all been getting elbowed in the head since October.
  
  
• We keep leaving voicemail for our senior leadership asking for their advice, but for some reason nobody ever calls us back.

Cold Cases: The NHL's other missing items

Hockey fans are well aware of the recent mini-drama involving Sidney Crosby's equipment from Canada's gold medal game. The stick he used to score the winning goal went missing along with a glove, leading to a Canada-wide search and a $10,000 reward.

The equipment was eventually found, and the hockey world breathed a sigh of relief. But not so fast. It turns out that Crosby's gear was only one example of a growing problem. NHL-related items have been going missing for years, and there are currently several ongoing investigations.

Here are ten example of high-profile ongoing investigations into NHL items that seem to have disappeared.

The item: Daniel Alfredsson's Stanley Cup ring
Missing since: 2004
Case details: Alfredsson famously guaranteed that the Senators would win at least one Stanley Cup. However, there is no evidence that the ring from that championship is currently in his possession.
Investigation status: Progress has proven difficult, as every time the victim is questioned about it he gets upset and storms away.

The item: The Toronto Maple Leafs' first round draft picks
Missing since: September 18, 2009
Case details: A review of the NHL's draft list shows that the Leafs do not have either of their next two first round picks, despite those picks being critical to their rebuilding effort.
Investigation status: While Leafs GM Brian Burke has denied that a crime took place, every Leafs' home game this year has produced 18,800 new eyewitnesses who confirm that a robbery was pulled off.

The item: Brian Campbell's clavicle
Missing since: March 14, 2010
Case details: The clavicle, last seen Sunday morning, has since been replaced by a loose pile of jagged shards and bone-colored dust.
Investigation status: While investigators are said to have a suspect in the case, a thorough sweep of the crime scene failed to uncover any evidence such as DNA, fingerprints, or Olympic medals.

The item: Sean Avery's medication
Missing since: About two weeks ago
Case details: Avery appears to have recently gone off the medication which had prevented him from acting like an attention-starved sideshow, saying ridiculous things, having any discernible personality, responding to outside stimuli in any way, and being an effective player.
Investigation status: No firm leads, but authorities strongly suspect that Larry Flynt is involved.

The item: A Philadelphia Flyers playoff-caliber goaltender
Missing since: 1996
Case details: Oddly enough, the team's front office seems completely unaware that anything is missing.
Investigation status: If we can't solve it now, there's always next year. And the next. And the next...

The item: The piano on Lee Stempniak's back
Missing since: March 3, 2010
Case details: The item apparently holds great sentimental value to Stempniak, since he hadn't been seen without it since November 2008.
Investigation status: Let's just say everyone's pretty sure it will turn up on its own.

The item: Scott Gomez
Missing since: 2007
Case details: Gomez signed an enormous free agent deal with the New York Rangers. He's never been heard from since.
Investigation status: Prime suspect Glen Sather claims to have an alibi, insisting that Gomez was traded to another team in the off-season. But a brief examination of the player's stats and the NHL's salary cap rules reveals that to be clearly impossible.

The item: Tomas Kaberle's copy of the NHL standings
Missing since: 2008
Case details: It's really the only possible explanation for the whole NTC thing, right?
Investigation status: Authorities are anxious to locate the item prior to this year's draft, since it will give Tomas plenty to think about when he's traded to the Oilers.

The item: Personal items from several Montreal Canadiens
Missing since: March 11, 2010
Case details: Various players reported the recent theft of several cans of shoe polish.
Investigation status: It's the strangest thing, they were right here until those two fans walked by and... oh good God, they couldn't have.

The item: Matt Cooke's karma
Missing since: 1999
Case details: Philosophers believe that the karmic effects of one's deeds will actively impact present and future experiences. However, this delicate universal balance seems to have been mysteriously absent during Cooke's NHL career.
Investigation status: Good news! The Boston Bruins have located the missing item, and have promised to personally return it to Cooke this Thursday.

Signs your GM had a bad deadline day

Apparently somebody tampered
with his rolodex.

Another trade deadline has come and gone. And in between reporting on 30 different trades involving players you'd never heard of just a few days ago, the hockey media is rushing to declare winners and losers from around the league.

But of course, you don't care about the entire league. You care about your favorite team, and just how badly they managed to screw up this time around. So I've assembled a handy list of a dozen signs that your favorite team's GM had a bad deadline day:

• On deadline day, Twitter's top local trending topic for your city was the word "Fergusonesque".
  
  
• Instead of listening to his scouting staff or consulting his front office assistants, he came up with all his trade ideas by reading threads at hfboards.com.
  
  
• He explains to the media that he was under the mistaken impression that his contract included a no-trade clause.
  
  
• He keeps complaining that over the past two weeks Brian Burke never got back to him about any of his offers for Ryan Miller, Patrick Kane and Zach Parise.
  
  
• Everyone at your office who followed the deadline on the web has a call into the helpdesk because their keyboards have worn out "f" and "u" keys.
  
  
• Every time one of your team's trades was announced on TSN, Pierre McGuire stopped yelling at Darren Pang and just stared into the camera like the guy from Munch's The Scream.
  
  
• The guy who programs the trade AI for NHL 10 called your team's trades "laughably unrealistic".
  
  
• He explained that his entire strategy is to acquire enough expiring contracts to free up cap room to sign Lebron James.
  
  
• That cell phone he spent all day screaming offers into turned out to be a Game Boy.
  
  
• The plan: Address a need for toughness and experience by trading for Raffi Torres. The result: Addressed a need for catchy children's music by trading for Raffi Cavoukian.
  
  
• You saw a guy in line for a cab at the airport arrivals gate who looked suspiciously like Vesa Toskala.

Deadline online: NHL GMs hit the web to look for deals

With the trade deadline now just 48 hours away, NHL GMs are scrambling to work out deals. But it's not easy. As everyone knows, the CBA has made it much more difficult than ever to close a deal. Mix in the continuing economic uncertainty and a league in which virtually every team is still in the playoff hunt, and it's never been harder to pull the trigger on a trade.

So what's an NHL GM to do? Simple. Get creative.

It turns out that NHL GMs are using every tool at their disposal to try to create a market for the players they want to move. And after spending some time today searching some popular web sites, I can report that a few NHL GMs are getting active online.

For example, new management in Montreal wants to move a goaltender, and they're working hard to start a bidding war -- literally.

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Meanwhile, this Craigslist ad was posted anonymously. But something about it seems vaguely familiar.

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And finally, Glen Sather wants to dump some bad contracts and has his work cut out for him. I don't think he'll have much luck, but you can't say he's not trying.

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