Behind the scenes at the NHL's Christmas pageant

Youngest player on the team.

Scene: A stage in a school gymnasium. An audience slowly files in to take their seats in rows of folding chairs. Behind the curtain it's chaos, as cast and crew work on last minute preparations. In the center of it all, a man hops off of a director's chair and tries to address the group.

Gary Bettman: Attention! Everyone, can I have your attention?

Nobody notices him amid the noise and chaos. Bill Daly, wearing a "Santa's Little Helper" hat, hands Bettman a director's megaphone.

Bettman (shouting into megaphone): Attention everyone!

No luck. Nobody can hear him.

Bettman (sighing): Pierre, a little help please?

Pierre McGuire: HELP WITH WHAT?

Immediate silence.

Bettman: Thanks Pierre. OK everyone, listen up. This is a very big night for all of us. The NHL's annual holiday pageant is one of the league's most important events, and our friends and family want to see a good show.

Bettman peeks his head out between the curtains and surveys the audience. Colin Campbell is standing on a chair in the front row, holding a video camera and waving furiously.

Bettman (closing curtain): Yikes. Alright everyone, this gym holds hundreds of people, so for you Thrashers and Islanders this will be the biggest crowd you perform in front of all year. Let's make it count. OK, where's my Santa Claus?

Bruce Boudreau: Ho, ho, [expletive deleted] ho.

Bettman: And where are Santa's elves?

The Montreal Canadiens' top two lines: We're here.

Bettman: Great. And what about Scrooge?

Daly: Uh, he said he had something to take care of.

Daly motions offstage, where Lou Lamoriello is handing pink slips to all the stagehands.

Bettman: Good ol' Lou. Hey, did we ever end up getting any volunteers to play the Three Wise Men?

Ron Wilson, Brian Burke and Richard Peddie: Sure did!

Daly and Bettman stare in horror.

Daly: Um… maybe we can write their scene out.

Bettman: Good idea. OK, has anyone seen Tiny Tim? Adorable little guy, looks so grownup in his big boy suit and his scrunched up angry wittle face…. Oh, there he is!

Cory Clouston: This is degrading and I'm not doing it.

Bettman: Oh, you're doing it, junior. Now you're supposed to be disabled. Do you know where we could get some crutches?

Clouston: I'll go ask Pascal Leclaire, he carries a few spares with him at all times.

Bettman: Good idea. OK everyone, let's run through the big dramatic scene with the three ghosts. Is the Ghost of Hockey Future here?

Sidney Crosby appears, wearing a white Penguins road jersey with the number 87 on the back.

Crosby: I'm here, boss.

Bettman: Great. And what about the Ghost of Hockey Present?

Crosby changes into a #87 black Penguins home jersey.

Crosby: Right here.

Bettman: Wonderful! And what about the Ghost of Hockey Past?

Mario Lemieux: I'm here.

Bettman: Hey, where's your costume?

Lemieux: Please tell me your weren't actually serious about making me wear that.

Bettman: Of course!

Lemieux sighs heavily, then pulls on a #87 Penguins third jersey.

Bettman: Perfect!

Lemieux (storming off): Learn some history.

Bettman: Wow, who's the cranky old guy?

Daly: I have no idea. Sid said he knew him. I think maybe it's his grandfather.

Bettman: I don't like him. Scrooge, take care of him.

Lamoriello (pulling a pink slip out of his pocket): With pleasure.

Daly: Um, sir, we may have a problem.

Bettman turns around to find Pascal Leclaire slumped on the ground, bleeding heavily, with shards of jagged bones jutting out of all four limbs.

Bettman: Dammit Pronger!

Daly: Uh, actually, Chris Pronger's not here this time. He's on the IR with a broken foot, remember?

Bettman: Oh. Then who…

Clouston: Actually, don't worry about it. This happens to him three or four times a week.

Leclaire (barely conscious): Butterfly... landed… on me….

Clouston: Get up, Pascal. Even without functioning limbs you're still better than Elliott.

Bettman: OK everyone, it's almost show time. I think the crowd is getting restless.

(From the crowd, a lone voice can be heard shouting "We want Greg! We want Greg!")

Bettman: Bill, what's the status? Are we ready to go?

Daly: Well, Pascal Leclaire just wandered by the decorative candles and caught himself on fire. Pierre McGuire is refusing to perform his Silent Night solo because he doesn't understand what the word "silent" means. And Bruce Boudreau just taught the little children an alternate version of Rudolph where all the reindeer are from Nantucket.

Bettman: I see.

Daly: Oh, and Lou Lamoriello just had security escort the Baby Jesus out of the building.

Bettman: So basically the whole thing is a disaster.

Daly: An unmitigated, unprecedented, unsalvageable disaster, yes.

Bettman: Well then, you know what we have to do.

Daly: Call Matthew Hulsizer and see if he wants to buy it?

Bettman: Good job, old friend. And Happy Holidays to all!

Behind the scenes on Kaberle deadline day

See Tomas, normally the eyebrows would
be divided somewhere around here.

The eyes of the hockey world were focused sharply on Toronto on Sunday. With long-time defenseman Tomas Kaberle's no-trade clause coming back into effect at midnight, the Leafs were faced with a race against the clock to find a trading partner.

And while the day ultimately ended without a deal for Kaberle in place, it wasn't from lack of trying. Top secret sources tell me that Maple Leafs' general manager Brian Burke and his front office staff spent the entire day locked in their MLSE war room fielding offers.

Here's how the day went down:

7:32 a.m. - Burke makes a point of once again complimenting John Ferguson Jr. for having the foresight to negotiate a trade window into Kaberle's contract, before politely informing him that he'd still prefer not to have his windshield squeegeed that day.

7:49 a.m. - Burke stops at a Tim Hortons drive-through and asks for the largest box of Timbits they have, since he wants to make sure each of his assistant GMs gets one.

9:05 a.m. - Attempted talks with New Jersey go nowhere when Devils' GM Lou Lamoriello responds to every proposal with a sarcastic "Gee, I'm not sure, let me go ask Gary Bettman if I'm allowed to do that".

10:21 a.m. - The scouting department for the San Jose Sharks calls to thank the Leafs for sending over that footage of Kaberle in action during the postseason, but wonders if they also happen to have any that's in color.

1:51 p.m. - After three straight hours without being able to get a dial tone, the Leafs' front office staff begins to notice that the service technician who showed up that morning to work on the phone lines actually looks a lot like Rick Curran with a fake moustache and pair of wire cutters.

2:35 p.m. - As rumours begin to circulate that Kaberle may not be moved after all, the Leafs PR department is deluged with requests from media getting a head start on their upcoming seven-month "Kaberle Trade Deadline 2011 Watch" series.

3:42 p.m. - Tampa Bay emerges as a potential destination, but talks proceed slowly as Lightning general manager Steve Yzerman constantly interrupts Burke to ask if he can remind him how 2010 Gold Medal game turned out.

4:11 p.m. - The various assistant GMs all agree that while the handwriting is lovely and the photo is a nice personal touch, now probably isn't a good time to show Burke the "Thanks for Tyler Seguin" card that just arrived in the mail from Peter Chiarelli.

5:25 p.m. - The Detroit Red Wings express some interest in acquiring Kaberle, but eventually decide that now isn't the time for a youth movement.

6:46 p.m. - Tomas Kaberle himself calls to say that while he can handle Ron Wilson spending all day in front of his house waiting to drive him to the airport, he could do without him also constantly honking the horn and revving the engine.

7:20 p.m. - The Leafs' continue to struggle to find a market for defensemen when Dave Nonis is unsuccessful in his attempt to tip the pizza deliveryman with the rights to Jeff Finger.

8:49 p.m. - After being put through to voicemail for the fifteenth time in a row, Burke starts to get a sinking feeling that Darryl Sutter now has caller ID.

10:47 p.m. - Potentially promising negotiations go sour when Burke realizes that all those phone calls from the GM who seems to love soft European player who don't play defence are actually coming from the next door office of a confused Bryan Colangelo.

12:01 a.m. - A bruised and battered Richard Peddie tries to figure out what it was about his "Hey, gang, there's always tomorrow" pep talk that made everyone so cranky.

One year of Brian Burke: A look back

Rare footage of Brian Burke
speaking to the media.

This weekend marked the one-year anniversary of Brian Burke being named general manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs. It's been an eventful year, with some highs and a few lows.

So break out the party hats and balloons, and let's take a look at some of the highlights of Burke's first year in Toronto.

November 29, 2008 - While outlining his strategy at his first press conference as general manager, Burke delivers his infamous quote about "proper levels of pugnacity, testosterone, truculence and belligerence". Confused Leaf fans rush to their dictionaries, and are disappointed to discover that every one of those words means "terrible goaltending".

December 6, 2008 - Dave Nonis joins the Leafs front office, assuming the newly created position of "Vice President In Charge of Tampering With The Vancouver Canucks".

February 23, 2009 - Burke receives a call from Eklund alerting him that someone is impersonating him on Twitter. An enraged Burke immediately summons his lawyers and top advisors, loudly demanding to know who the hell gave Eklund his phone number.

March 4, 2009 - Trade deadline day. Despite high hopes that he could trade one or more of his top line players, Burke's plans are thwarted when he realizes other team's have actually seen the Leafs play.

April 6, 2009 - Burke names Ron Wilson the coach of Team USA's Olympic squad. Burke explains the choice by noting that Wilson has extensive experience, has coached internationally, and will have lots of time to work on gameplans since he'll be unemployed by mid-December.

April 14, 2009 - Burke surprises observers by emphatically declaring that he thinks the Leafs will make the playoffs in '09-10, although in fairness, he never specifies which millennium.

June 19, 2009 - In an effort to impress free agent goaltender Jonas Gustavsson during a visit to Toronto, Burke arranges the Leafs' dressing room to highlight the team's goaltending history. Gustavsson is impressed to see Johnny Bower's jersey hanging by the entrance, Terry Sawchuk's jersey hanging in a corner, and Vesa Toskala's jersey hanging from a bathroom stall toilet paper dispenser.

June 22, 2009 - At the NHL draft, Burke turns down a proposed Kaberle-for-Kessel trade by explaining to Peter Chiarelli that the he won't include a first round pick in the deal. Chiarelli responds "Oh, don't worry, you won't be trading a first round pick for Kessel", and then laughs like Emperor Palpatine for fifteen straight minutes until a confused Burke finally hangs up on him.

July 1, 2009 - With minutes to go before the noon deadline, Daniel and Henrik Sedin each agree to an extension with the Vancouver Canucks. They then throw open the curtains on their Stockholm apartment window, revealing Burke standing awkwardly in the street below holding a boombox.

July 25, 2009 - Dave Poulin's interview for a front office position is marred by an uncomfortable silence after Poulin compliments Burke on the incredibly lifelike replica of Richard Peddie's head he has mounted in his office.

September 18, 2009 - Burke completes the long-rumored trade for Kessel. While many observers criticize the deal for including two first round picks, Burke defends the move by correctly pointing out that the Leafs wouldn't have drafted anyone good anyways.

November 24, 2009 - Burke's son Brendan announces that he is gay, with his father's full support. Leaf fans are thrilled, recognizing this as the only chance they'll ever have to see Brian Burke take part in a parade.

Maple Leafs 80s night: a sneak peek

OK, hold up one finger for
every winning season.

On Saturday night, the Leafs will host the Calgary Flames. In keeping with the club's new Mandatory Pre-Game Ceremony policy, the game has been designated "80's Night".

Much like the recent Maple Leafs 90s Night, 20 former players will be honored during the pre-game skate. Fans can vote on their favorites from the decade by visiting a page on the Leafs' official web site that is also the #1 result if you run a google search for "unbelievably awesome moustaches".

But it goes without saying that a night this important will include far more than just a few retro jerseys. In fact, the night will feature several nods to the Maple Leafs of the 1980s. Here are just a few:

• Allan Bester will be honored with a highlight video, drop the puck for the ceremonial faceoff, and then immediately take Vesa Toskala's roster spot.
  
  
• One lucky fan will win a 1982 AMC Eagle.
  
  
• Brian Burke will reveal that his entire strategy for making the playoffs this year hinged on recording a 52-point season and finishing one point ahead of the Minnesota North Stars.
  
  
• A special scoreboard video will celebrate the careers of blue chip Leafs defensive prospects like Jim Benning, Gary Nylund and Drake Berehowsky, after which Luke Schenn will proceed to center ice and hang himself.
  
  
• Fans in the upper section will only have to pay $12 to get in. The other $288 will be paid on the way out.
  
  
• In the spirit of every other Leafs/Flames game from the 1980s, fans will be encouraged to boo the hell out of that annoying little bastard Doug Gilmour.
  
  
• For the entire game the ACC will only feature cheesy music from the 1980s, instead of only featuring cheesy music from the 1990s like they normally do.
  
  
• Half-price hot dogs for all fans named "Mirko".
  
  
• A random draw will be held to select one of the organization's talented young forward prospects, who will immediately be traded to the Habs for George Laraque.
  
  
• MLSE president Richard Peddie will give a presentation titled "The Harold Ballard era of incompetent, meddling, morale-destroying ownership: Hey, good thing we don't have to deal with that anymore, am I right?"
  
  
• Any Maple Leaf player wearing a jersey number in the 80s will be excused from all physical play and backchecking duties for the entire game.
  
  
• Floyd Smith will remind everyone that trading your first round pick is probably a bad idea if you plan to finish last overall.
  
  
• Nazem Kadri will appear via satellite to point out that, just like every other player the Leafs will ever draft from now on, he wasn't even alive in the 1980s. There will then be a moment of silence for the rest of us to ponder how old we suddenly feel.
  
  
• The team will promise not to win a Stanley Cup for at least 25 or 30 more years.
  

ESPN names Maple Leafs worst organization in the NHL

Taking a quick break from the free agency talk...

ESPN The Magazine released it's 2009 Ultimate Standings today. The idea is to rank all 122 major North American franchises based on criteria such as ticket prices, roster quality, titles won and the relationship between ownership and fans.

Based on that, I'll bet you'll never guess how the Leafs did.

Yes, the Maple Leafs finished dead last in the NHL, and 120th out of 122 teams overall (suck it, Knicks and Clippers!)

Now keep in mind, this ranking isn't meant as a measure of the quality of the team itself, and it's certainly not meant to measure the fans. Quite the opposite, actually -- the magazine says it wants to measure "how much MLB, NBA, NFL and NHL franchises give back to the fans in exchange for all the time, money and emotion the fans invest in them."

Given that criteria, it's hard to argue with the Leafs ranking. The only objection I'd have is that it's a year too late -- MLSE is finally doing the right thing by handing full control to Brian Burke. Maybe this sort of public kick in the pants will remind them to keep it out of the way.

I was interviewed by ESPN months ago for this year's rankings, and my comments appear in the Leafs profile. I had a sense from the beginning that the Leafs were going to wind up last, so this isn't a surprise.

As with all lists of this type, the end goal is mainly to inspire discussion, debate and angry ranting from fans. Let's just say there are more than a few head-scratchers. The Carolina Hurricanes as the NHL's top team? The Senators as the top team in Canada? Many will dismiss the whole thing for that reason.

Just remember: this is a black mark on Peddie, Tannenbaum and the rest of the MLSE suits. If anyone tries to tell you it's a knock on Leaf fans, tell them to go back and read it again. Or, if it's a Senators fan, to have it read to them.

Behind the scenes: the Leafs deadline day war room

Hockey fans love trade deadline day, even though few of us will ever know what really goes on behind the scenes.

Well, I decided to find out. So with the help of some top secret internal sources (thanks Cliff!), I was able to plant several microphones and hidden cameras around the Maple Leafs war room on deadline day.

What follows is a never-before-seen level of detail on what an NHL front office looks like on the busiest day of the year.

8:45 a.m. - Leafs GM Brian Burke arrives early, and immediately begins furiously working the phones in an attempt to line up his media appearances for the day.

9:24 - Leafs assistant GM Dave Nonis takes a call from a rival GM asking what the Leafs would want in exchange for Luke Schenn. While talks are initially encouraging, they ultimately fail after Nonis is still listing players and picks when the 3:00 deadline passes.

10:00 - Concerned about the recent winning streak and its impact on draft position, Burke meets with Vesa Toskala in the parking lot to suggest that the red-hot goalie should go on the IR. When Toskala protests that he's not injured, Burke nods in the direction of Tim Hunter, who emerges from the shadows holding a baseball bat.

10:05 - Vesa Toskala agrees that he needs to go on the IR.

10:32 - Burke calls Montreal GM Bob Gainey, only to find out that Gainey has taken the day off.

10:57 - For the fifth time that day, a rival GM calls the Leafs front office asking to speak with John Ferguson Jr. and is devastated to learn he no longer works there.

11:12 - Burke calls Panthers GM Jacques Martin to ask for a scouting report on Jay Bouwmeester, his health records, and information on his salary demands. When Martin asks if he can call him back in an hour, Burke says "no problem, I won't actually need any of this until July 1."

11:27 - Struggling somewhat on his first deadline day in a front office, Joe Nieuwendyk accidentally trades himself to the Devils.

11:45 - Disguising his voice, Burke calls Kevin Lowe to ask if Dustin Penner is available, then laughs hysterically at how excited Lowe gets.

12:15 - With a sinking feeling, Leafs assistant GM Jeff Jackson realizes that the note on his desk that reads "Jeff, please pick up Gerber" is not actually in Brian Burke's handwriting, seems to be from his wife, and probably refers to baby food.

12:37 - Burke takes a break to update his hilarious DownGoesBrown twitter parody.

12:56 - A confused Pavel Kubina phones to ask why the guy in charge putting together the Atlanta Thrashers 2009 media guide just showed up to take his picture.

1:05 - The entire Leafs front office gathers around a computer to read Eklund's latest updates on Hockeybuzz, gaining valuable insight into which rumored trades are guaranteed not to happen.

1:20 - Burke steps out for some fresh air. Upon seeing a homeless panhandler pathetically begging for scraps of food and spare change, Burke makes a mental note to start calling southern market teams to see if he can buy their draft picks.

1:45 - A fellow GM calls to ask Burke if he'd be interested in a Lee Stempniak deal. After Burke angrily explains that the last thing he needs is some underachieving fourth-liner, the other GM is forced to awkwardly break the news that Stempniak has been playing for the Leafs for four months.

2:11 - While discussing details of a proposed Nik Antropov deal, New York GM Glen Sather offers to throw in a conditional draft pick if the Rangers make it to the conference finals.

2:14 - After three straight minutes of listening to Burke laugh and pound the table, Sather informs him that he was actually serious about that.

2:42 - In a tragic misunderstanding, Burke responds to Dominic Moore's plea that "I just want to play in front of 19,000 diehard Leaf fans every night" by trading him to Buffalo.

2:57 - With only minutes to go until the deadline, Burke turns down last-minute offers of a second round pick for Ian White, and a first round pick for Ian White's moustache.

3:45 - As he prepares for his post-deadline press conference, the rest of the front office bets Burke that he can't talk about fielding offers for Tomas Kaberle and claim that he never asks players to waive their NTCs in the same sentence without at least somebody in the Toronto media catching on.

5:30 - Sitting alone at the arrivals gate of the Nashville International Airport, a confused Alex Ponikoravsky wonders why nobody is coming to pick him up.

6:30 - Before heading home after a busy day, Burke slides a slice of stale bread under the door of the storage closet where Richard Peddie has been kept chained and bound since November.

Bring on Burke

I for one welcome our new
general manager overlord

So Brian Burke is out in Anaheim, and presumably on his way to Toronto.

Good.

Not everyone is thrilled with the news, but I say welcome aboard.

There's no doubt that Burke has been overhyped over the past year. His record of success as a GM has been mixed, and he won a Cup with a roster that had been mostly built by Bryan Murray. But while he may not be the perfect candidate, he's a pretty darn good one. And he's certainly the best one available right now.

Cliff Fletcher has done a generally good job rebuilding the Leafs, but he's not the long-term answer at GM. And as much as I like Cliff, he doesn't get the Colangelo Treatment from MLSE. That means that Peddie and his minions still have their grubby claws on this team.

With Burke in town, that will end. Peddie will go back to selling condos, and Burke will have full control of the hockey side. If he doesn't, we've been told over and over again, he's not coming. So let him come.

Brian Burke will be the guy who kills off Richard Peddie once and for all. That's good enough for me.

What in holy hell is happening?

In the past 48 hours, the following things happened:

1. The Maple Leafs, who all experts agree are the worst team in the history of not just this universe, but all possible universes, beat the Stanley Cup champions in their own rink.
   
   
2. Damien Cox wrote a collection of blog posts that were informative, generally positive, and devoid of cliches.
   
   
3. Richard Peddie is quoted in today's Globe discussing the NHL's financial system, and comes across as the voice of reason

I am so confused and scared!

I swear, if they announce a release date for Chinese Democracy this week then I'm gathering up water, canned goods and my 92-93 Leaf playoff run tapes and locking myself in my basement.

Is this the worst it's ever been? Part three

In part one, we took a look at the miserable Ballard years. In part two, we looked at the mostly positive Fletcher and Quinn eras.

In the final installment of our series, we look at recent seasons to try to once and for all answer the question: is this the worst it's ever been?


2004-05

Welcome to the John Ferguson Jr. era.

The good: John Ferguson Jr. doesn't make any terrible in-season moves. The Leafs don't blow any third-period leads, never back down from a single fight, and finish tied for first overall.

The bad: There is no hockey thanks to the lockout.

When the owners and players finally sign a new CBA in summer 2005, the league signals the new era by introducing rules that will favor smaller, speedier teams. Ferguson responds by signing a bunch of big, slow free agents like Jason Allison and Eric Lindros. He also chooses not to buy out any veterans, signalling his keen understanding of the importance of cap management.

How bad was it? 80/100. We thought a full year without the Leafs was as bad as it could possibly get. Boy, were we wrong.


2005-06

The good: The Leafs take a step back, but still manage 90 points under Pat Quinn. Bryan McCabe has a career year, scoring 68 points and making the Canadian Olympic team. A handful of younger players like Kyle Wellwood and Alex Steen show promise. Tomas Kaberle plays well, then signs a very reasonable contract extension.

The bad: The Leafs narrowly miss the playoffs. Ed Belfour doesn't look very sharp, and is bought out at the end of the year. Allison is just OK, Lindros is hurt, and the veteran Leafs look slow and out-classed in the new NHL. Ferguson offers McCabe a huge five-year contract that introduces the phrase "no-movement" to NHL fans. McCabe actually waits for weeks to sign the offer, showing that his decision making is just as solid off the ice as it is on.

Ferguson also fires Quinn, replacing him with teenaged prodigy Paul Maurice. At the 2006 draft, Ferguson deals top prospect Tuuka Rask to the Bruins for Andrew Raycroft, a former Calder winner who has just had an awful season.

How bad was it? 80/100. Well, at least hockey is back. And the Leafs will be too, soon enough. Right?


2006-07

Captured on film:
Paul Maurice's defensive system.

The good: The Leafs fight hard for a playoff spot, leading up to a thrilling final-game showdown with the Habs. They win a comeback thriller, only to be eliminated the next day when the Scott Clemmensen and the Devils lay down for the Islanders.

The bad: Raycroft is inconsistent -- bad some nights, awful on others. Paul Maurice doesn't seem to have any sort of system, other than cracking one-liners for the adoring media. Despite clearly not being a contender, the Leafs bring in Yanic Perrault at the deadline for a prospect and high draft pick. (Fun fact: Perrault's grandfather was drafted by the Leafs in 1991.)

Sensing the team is weak in the critical "wasted shots" category, Ferguson signs Jason Blake to a contract that will last until the end of time.

How bad was it? 90/100. At this point it's becoming clear that Ferguson is a moron, the team isn't going anywhere, and there's really no reason for optimism. Or as we call it now, "the good times".


2007-08

The good: You must be new here.

The bad: How much time have we got? OK, let's try to be brief... The Leafs are terrible. They don't play a system, they score into their own net, they let in 180-foot goals, the blow third-period leads every week, and they're the softest team in the NHL.

With the entire city begging for the team to be taken out behind a barn and shot, the team's five veteran leaders refuse to waive their no-trade clauses at the deadline because their wives really enjoy shoe-shopping at the Eaton Centre. Fans wear paper bags to the games. Paul Maurice stands behind the bench with his arms crossed wondering what the "T.O" on the scoreboard stands for.

Ferguson is finally fired, although not before Richard Peddie humiliates both of them my calling his hiring a "mistake" while he still works there. Cliff Fletcher is re-hired on an interim basis and has to sit there while Peddie mouths his words along with him at the press conference. The team forms a much-publicized search committee for a new GM, who end up not hiring anybody.

In the off-season, Mats Sundin backtracks on all that "I want to be a Leaf forever" nonsense. The fake fishing trip that he uses every off-season to avoid the media stretches into its fourth month before he finally re-emerges to shill for a gambling web site. McCabe reluctantly agrees to waive his no-trade clause after Fletcher breaks into his kitchen and boils his children's puppy, but only if the Leafs absolutely promise not to get anything good for him.

The Leafs prepare to enter the 2008-09 season with a roster that will feature 15 defencemen and four forwards. Somewhere in Finland, Vesa Toskala is on 24-hour suicide watch.

How bad was it? 95/100. We have a winner.

So there you have it... Yes, last year was the worst it's ever been. You are currently living in the worst days of Leaf Nation. Lucky you.

But wait... what about next year? Luckily I've obtained an advanced copy of next season's Year in Review DVD.

Spoiler Alert: Don't read any further if you want to be surprised.


2008-09

Closing your eyes won't help, Vesa.
You'll still be able to smell everything.

The good: Kaberle plays well, and Toskala steals several games. Ron Wilson installs a defensive system that cuts down on the turnovers and mistakes. For the first time in years, young players are given decent ice-time and a shot at special teams.

The bad: The Leafs flirt with last place overall for most of the year. Mikhail Grabovski is a bust, Alex Steen doesn't emerge, and Nikolai Kulemin struggles as a rookie. Leaf fans sing the national anthem at the home opener, then immediately turn on Jeff Finger. Meanwhile, Marlies coach Greg Gilbert successfully destroys whatever is left of Justin Pogge's confidence, then goes to work on ruining Luke Schenn too.

With a half dozen teams driving up the bidding for him, Toskala tweaks his hamstring days before the trade deadline and Fletcher can't deal him. Meanwhile, Kaberle decides not to waive his NTC and the Leafs fail to land any decent picks or prospects for the second year in a row. Days after the deadline, Mats Sundin comes out of retirement to sign with a first place team. He puts his new poker skills to work by telling the media with a straight face that winning a Stanley Cup has always been his top priority.

Bryan McCabe scores 20 goals for the Panthers, leading to 800 identical articles about how the Leafs should have never traded him written by the same reporters who spent the last two years trying to run him out of town. Kyle Wellwood scores 70 points with the Canucks, Darcy Tucker pots 30 goals for the Avs, and Andrew Raycroft learns that you're legally allowed to raise your glove hand to stop a shot.

The Leafs find themselves firmly entrenched in last place overall heading into the final month, then reel off eight straight wins at the end of the year to move up to second-last. A team in a crappy US market that nobody cares about wins the draft lottery, bumping the Leafs down to the third overall pick in a draft with two franchise players. Days before the end of the season, Brian Burke signs an extension with the Mighty Ducks. Richard Peddie is rumored to be seriously considering naming himself general manager before mysteriously disappearing after accepting an interview invitation with an Ottawa-based hockey blogger.

How bad was it? 100/100. But try to act surprised.

The Nightmare Team: The Front Office

Welcome to the third and final installment of the Leafs all-time nightmare squad. We've covered the forwards and the goalies and defence. Now let's meet the men who helped turn those guys into the hopeless losers they were.

What was that note I wrote on my hand?
B-e-n-c-h-m-c-c-a... ah, I'm sure it
wasn't important.

Coach

Paul Maurice (2006-08)

Why we hate him: This was a tough category. The Leafs have had exactly two good coaches since the early 80s: Pat Burns and Pat Quinn. The rest ranged from overmatched to completely hopeless.

So why pick Maurice? Because unlike the other failures, Maurice was supposed to be good. When he was hired, most agreed that the Leafs had made a wise choice. After all, Maurice was young and had already been to the finals with a surprising Hurricanes team in 2002. Unfortunately, nobody bothered to check any of the other seasons on his resume. If Paul Maurice was a singer, he'd be Nena and the 2002 Cup run would be "99 Luftballoons".

Under Maurice, the Leafs were a miserable team that missed the playoffs twice. They were the only team in the league that played a man defensive system, a scheme that Maurice insisted on sticking with even as the Leafs got shelled every night. What's worse, Maurice apparently didn't believe in concepts like accountability, as he allowed the Leafs dressing room to become a country club where whiny veterans like Bryan McCabe and Jason Blake could feel cosy and comfortable even as the losses piled up.

Redeeming qualities: Was respectful of the busy schedules of Leaf fans, ensuring they always made it home from games 30 seconds early by never calling a timeout no matter how desperately the team needed one.

Coaches who also received consideration: Nick Beverley, Doug Carpenter, Mike Murphy, Greg Gilbert

Coaches who did not receive consideration:
John Brophy - Sure, he wasn't a very good NHL coach. And yes, the players all hated him. But Brophy was batshit crazy, loved goon hockey and occasionally wore a derby behind the bench. Also, if I made fun of him he'd probably hunt me down and get Brian Curran to beat me up.

Hey John, do that hilarious impression
of every Leaf fan who had to watch
the teams you built

General Manager

John Ferguson Jr. (2004-08)

Why we hate him: If you really don't know, then allow me to say: Welcome aboard, and I hope you're enjoying your first day as a hockey fan.

Just for fun, let's list all of Ferguson's mistakes. He traded Tuuka Rask for Andrew Raycroft, he signed McCabe to the Contract That Will Not Die, he gave Jason Blake a five year deal, he traded a high pick for Yanic Perrault, he didn't ues buyouts to create cap space after the lockout, he gave no-trade clauses to everyone he ever signed including the cleaning staff, he signed Jason Allison and Alex Khavanov and Calle Johansson and an injured Eddie Belfour and ...

OK, you know what? That was a bad idea. If I try to list everything there's a good chance I'll be left with a 40,000 word post and little bloody stumps where my fingers used to be.

Let's save space and just like all the good things Ferguson did. He picked up solid third-liner Chad Kilger off waivers. He signed Tomas Kaberle to a decent contract. He managed not to get completely bent over on the Vesa Toskala trade. That's it. Three things in almost five years.

And by the way, even though he's been fired and will never work in the NHL again, it will take the Leafs another three of four years to dig out from the weight of his terrible contracts.

Redeeming qualities: Pulmonary circuit converts oxygen into cardon dioxide, which helps trees grow.

GMs who also received consideration:
Floyd Smith, Gerry McNamara, Ken Dryden any time he spoke

GMs who did not receive consideration:
Gord Stellick - If you're a fan of this blog, then I've already convinced you that Russ Courtnall for John Kordic was a good trade. On top of that, Stellick gets points for apparently being the only Harold Ballard employee who ever had the grapefruits to tell the old man to go piss up a rope. And that's pretty impressive, considering he was only 14 at the time.

Die.

President

Richard Peddie (2003-until we rise up as one and slay him)

Why we hate him: Oh lord, where to start? Despite having absolutely no experience in professional sports, Peddie insists on taking hands-on approach to running the Leafs and Raptors. He was the mastermind behind the hirings of John Ferguson and Rob Babcock, and despite his denials he's known to have meddled with roster decisions of both teams. His insistence on staying in the spotlight at all times despite clearly being clueless has made him a running joke among front office folks in two leagues.

While most exectuives would settle for simply being morons, Peddie has demonstrated impressive creativity in finding new and original ways to embarass MLSE. He humiliated Ferguson by calling his hiring a "mistake" when the GM was still employed, somehow making a debacle out of the only known instance of him being right about something. He also became a youtube celebrity thanks to his infamous ventriloquist performance at Cliff Fletcher's press conference.

Richard Peddie is an over-inflated blowhard, an empty suit without a shred of self-awareness, a thin-skinned meddler with no positive qualities beyond his ability to squeeze extra dollars into the hands of his soulless corporate masters, and the Leafs will never win anything as long as he's associated with the team.

Redeeming qualities: None.

A meeting of the Harold Ballard fan club

Owner

Harold Ballard

Why we hate him: While most of the guys mentioned on this page are guilty of being stupid, Ballard was actually evil.

Stories of his legendary greed have been well-documented. This is the guy who turned off the water taps at MLG during a heat wave, incinerated Foster Hewitt's gondola, and included his ugly dog in team photographs. After driving most of the team's star players out of town by the early 80s, Ballard ensured the team was awful every year until he finally died in 1990.

Tradition has it that once a year on Halloween he pushes aside the door to his crypt, crawls out into the moonlit night, shuffles down the side streets of Toronto eating stray kittens, and meets with Richard Peddie to give him management advice.

Redeeming qualities: Eventually died and went to hell, where Satan's minions refer to him as "kind of an asshole".

Owners and presidents who also received consideration: Larry Tannenbaum, Donald Crump, Donald Giffin, Bell Globemedia, the Ontario Teachers Pension Plan

Owners and presidents who did not receive consideration:
Steve Stavro, by default. He was pretty much the only person to ever run the Leafs who didn't have his head planted firmly in his own ass.

That concludes our celebration of the most-hated Leafs of all time. I am going to go lay down in traffic now.

They'd better be right

Hello from Washington DC.

Since I'm on the road, postings over the next week will be sparse. I'm not even going to have a chance to write my rebuttal to Steve at hockeyanalysis.com, explaining why he's wrong about the Leafs benching Darcy Tucker. (Short version: they have the right to ask him to waive and they have the right to buy him out, but benching him as punishment for wanting to honor his contract goes too far, is beneath the franchise and sends a terrible message for future negotiations). All in all this is probably a good thing since Steve is about 300% smarter than me and would probably respond with the intellectual equivalent of the Clark-Mackey fight.

But I do want to touch on the Fletcher announcement.

Basically, the cards are on the table now. Talking to Nonis was a hint. Hiring Wilson was a giveaway. But this seals it: The Leafs Plan A is Brian Burke, and there is no Plan B.

Well, that may not be totally true. Plan A is to put so much pressure on the Ducks that they get Burke this summer. Plan B is to get him next summer. But all roads lead to Burke right now, or they lead nowhere.

So my opinion is: They better be right.

If Brian Burke ends up being the next Leafs GM, then all of this will have made sense. The Leafs are often accused of not having a plan, but they clearly have one here. And they're executing it, even as the media screams and Gary Bettman stews.

But it has to work, because if it doesn't they'll be laughingstocks. Again. If you click over to TSN.ca one day and see that Brian Burke has signed an extension in Anaheim, then this whole process will have been a disaster.

So will it work? I have no idea. But I'm betting that Peddie, Fletcher and Kirke do. They must know something that the rest of us don't. They must feel like they can risk their credibility (well, at least in the case of Fletcher and Kirke, who still have some) on a roll of the dice. They must know that Burke is on his way, and that the plan is a sure thing.

They'd better be sure. This franchise, from ownership to management to coaches to players, has had five years of wrong answers to just about every important question that's come along.

They need to be right this time.

Breaking news: Leafs talking trade with Ducks

As everyone knows, the NHL held its General Managers meeting on Monday. While the focus was on rule changes and the state of the game, it was only natural that several GMs took the time to touch base with their colleagues about potential trades.

Down Goes Brown has obtained an exclusive transcript of one such negotiation. Our spies caught Leafs GM Cliff Fletcher talking trade with Ducks GM Brian Burke. Here's how the conversation went.

(Scene: A distant corner of a fancy hotel lobby. Two men in suits sit by a small table, huddled in conversation.)

Fletcher: Hi Brian. Thanks for meeting with me. I always enjoy talking about trades.

Burke: Yes. I will enjoy this discussion, which is focused solely on a potential trade between our teams. And nothing else.

Fletcher: Of course.

Burke: Absolutely.

Fletcher: So, as you may know, the Maple Leafs are looking to improve our team.

Burke: Yes. I imagine you're focused on building a core of young players while divesting yourself of veteran salaries, clearing cap room while also rebuilding a culture of winning inside the dressing room. You're looking for players with a mix of skill and toughness, preferably Canadian players who aren't afraid to get their hands dirty and can adapt to a hard-nosed, playoff style approach. Oh, and stockpiling draft picks.

(Silence.)

Burke: I know that's what I would do if I was in your shoes.

Fletcher: Oddly enough, that's exactly what we're looking to do.

Burke: Good to hear.

(Cliff's phone rings. He looks at the incoming number.)

Fletcher: Oh, look, Ron Wilson is calling me. We've been planning to interview him for our head coaching vacancy. Say Brian, do you know Ron?

Burke: Actually, yes I do. We're very close friends. He's an excellent coach, and exactly the type of guy I would hire to coach the Maple Leafs, if I were involved in that process.

(Cliff writes something down on a notepad.)

Fletcher: So back to the trade talk. We'd love to acquire some good young players, and the Ducks have several. Would you be interested in adding some veteran talent? Or are you, Brian, more interested in building for the long-term in Anaheim?

Burke: I am not currently interested in building for the long-term in Anaheim.

Fletcher: Interesting.

Burke: My current focus is short-term.

Fletcher: As in...

Burke: Ideally a few weeks, maybe a month. One year at the absolute most.

Fletcher: Hmm...

Burke: But preferably nothing beyond the draft.

Fletcher: Good to know.

(Cliff's phone rings. He looks at the incoming number.)

Fletcher: Oh look, Dave Nonis is calling me. We're considering him for an assistant GM's role. Do you know Dave?

Burke: Yes I do, Cliff. He's a great guy, and would be an asset to your organization. I would strongly recommend hiring him as assistant to your new GM, whoever that should happen to be.

(Cliff writes something down on a notepad.)

Fletcher: So anyway... we have several players available. You've taken a look at our roster. Any interest in these guys?

Burke: To be honest, I'm not a big fan of most of them. Especially McCabe and Blake. I would not be interested in having these players on my roster. If they did somehow wind up on my team, I would probably make it a priority to move them immediately, in any way I could. I also wouldn't be interested in guys like Bell or Raycroft, although I imagine they'll be sent to the minors soon.

Fletcher: I imagine they will.

Burke: On the other hand, I like Kaberle. But I'm sure he's not available. He's probably untouchable, isn't he Cliff?

Fletcher: Yes he is, Brian.

(Gary Bettman walks by, spots Burke and Fletcher talking, and scurries over.)

Bettman: Hey! What are you guys talking about?

Burke: Just two GMs engaging in some friendly trade talk, Gary.

Fletcher: Nothing more.

Burke: Why? What did you think it was?

Bettman (suspicious): I'm watching you.

Fletcher: Hey Gary, I think they're showing an old NBA game on ESPN Classic over at the bar.

Bettman: Really? Oh goodie!

(Bettman hops up and down, claps his hands and scurries away excitedly.)

Fletcher: Well Brian, I'd love to continue this conversation, but I'm afraid I'm very busy. I have to call Ron Wilson and Dave Nonis, and then work on trading McCabe and Blake while focusing on acquiring youth and draft picks. I am so busy with these tasks, I will sadly be unable to interview any pontential new GMs until immediately after the draft, at the earliest.

Burke: That sounds like an excellent plan, Cliff. Meanwhile, I need to get back to my duties of ensuring that the Anaheim Ducks are in good shape for the next several weeks.

(Cliff's phone rings. He looks at the incoming number.)

Fletcher: Oh look, Richard Peddie is calling me.

Burke: Tell him to go fuck himself.

Fletcher: Will do. Talk to you soon, Brian.

Burke: Very, very soon.

Confirm or Deny

Any truth to the rumor that the Leafs have already agreed to a deal with Ron Wilson, but the press conference is being delayed until Richard Peddie is finished memorizing the script?

If MLSE made their own beer

The comment section for my last post ended up being sidetracked by a discussion over what would happen is MLSE went into the booze business. This was frustrating for me, because the post was clearly intended to be sidetracked into a discussion of Al Bundy quotes.

Nevertheless, I have to give my readers what they want. So with a tip of the cap to Navin, Loser Domi and Jaredoflondon, here’s my view of what would happen if MLSE decided to make and market their own brand of beer.

• Richard Peddie would hire a brewmaster who had no experience making beer
  
  
• Every bottle produced would have to be taste-tested by each director at the next regularly scheduled board meeting and approved with a majority vote
  
  
• Each case would come with one outstanding Swedish premium brew... but for some reason the beers on the left and right of it would always be terrible.
  
  
• Every year, the beer would be ice cold from October through February, warm up unexpectedly in March, go completely flat in early April and be discontinued by spring
  
  
• The McCabe Lager would come with its own can opener
  
  
• The Tlusty Pale Ale would be refreshing, but the front label keeps slipping off
  
  
• The Colaiacovo Pilsner bottle would shatter as soon as you took it out of the case
  
  
• When you tried to take the empties back for your deposit, you’d find out that half the bottles came with a no-returns clause
  
  
• You’d always have to drink straight from the bottle, since nobody involved in making it would have the slightest idea how to lift a cup
  
  
• You'd spend all your time thinking "This sucks, but at least I don't have to drink that swill they make up in Ottawa".
  

Fade to black. Roll credits.

Have you ever watched a movie with a tacked on ending that doesn't work with the rest of the story? It feels wrong, like it was from a different film, and it ruins the whole experience.

And then sometimes you get the other side of the coin. The ending that just fits, that nails the tone of the story exactly. An entire storyline summarized in one perfect scene.

Last night was one of those perfect endings.

There's no better single scene you could choose to describe this Leafs season than Kessel's back-breaker goal: a younger, faster opponent breaking in to score, while a Leaf trails behind him, not skating hard, complaining to the officials.

That's what this team has become. They don't work hard. They don't skate. And they always find somebody else to blame.

It's a tribute to this team's core leadership that a young player like Kronwall can come up, play only a handful of games, and still know exactly how to handle the situation. His reaction was right about of the Bryan McCabe playbook.

(For his part McCabe, as PPP points out, was quick to play the injury card after the game. Stick to that script, Bryan. As always.)

So the good news is, the Leafs 2007/8 movie ended perfectly. The bad news is we'd already seen it -- twice, in fact. Damn sequels. And I hear that Peddie Productions are already working on another one.

After all, the critics hate them, but they make a killing at the box office.

With friends like these...

John Ferguson Jr. could have helped this franchise by scrapping last year's lineup and starting a rebuilding project. But he didn't, because it was more important for him to stay the course and hope for a contract extension.

Richard Peddie could have helped this franchise by bringing in Scotty Bowman last summer. But he didn't, because it was more important for him to protect his political turf.

Mats Sundin could have helped this franchise by accepting a trade to a contender. But he didn't, because it was more important for him to stay in his personal comfort zone.

McCabe, Tucker and the rest of the no-trade brigade could have helped this franchise by exiting gracefully when it was clear they weren't wanted. But they didn't, because it was more important for them to keep their wives happy.

Paul Maurice could help this franchise by giving the kids some ice time and not playing Toskala until his groin snaps. But he won't, because it's more important for him to use the next month to audition for his next coaching job.

Which begs the question... is there anybody cashing a paycheck from this team that actually cares whether it ever wins a thing?

And if they don't care, remind me again why we should?

The 2008 Deadline Disaster Blame-o-Meter

Now that the Great Trade Deadline Disaster of '08 has come and gone with nothing meaningful to show for it, there's not much left for a Leaf fan to do except point fingers. And luckily, there's plenty of targets available. You know what that means: time to fire up the Blame-o-Meter™.

As always¹, we'll start at zero (no blame) and work out way up to ten (get the firing squad). Let's see where it all shakes out...

0 - The fans
Just putting this out there, since you know the Damien Cox's of the world will find a way to pin this on us. Remember folks, don't blame the victim.

1 - Cliff Fletcher
The Silver Fox did what he could, which turned out to be not much. Even though he was the guy running the show on Dud-line Day, he had little room to maneuver once the NTC 5 (a.k.a. the Loser Brigade) decided to stick around. Could he have salvaged the situation by playing hardball early on? Maybe, but at the time his nice guy routine seemed like the way to go.

2 - Tomas Kaberle
Out of all the NTC 5, Kaberle is the toughest to get worked up over. Unlike the rest of the group, he's actually being paid at or below market value, so it's tough to begrudge him his NTC. And he's played at an all-star level these past few years, unlike some other defencemen I could mention.

3 - Richard Peddie
Good old Ricky Lipsynch actually managed to stay out of the way at the deadline, probably because he was too busy screwing up the hiring of the next GM. But he's done his damage, and many of this week's problems can be traced to his moronic leadership.

4 - Paul Maurice
How can a coach be blamed for what goes down on Deadline Day? Maybe he can't, at least directly. But it's clear from the eagerness of the NTC 5 to stay in Toronto come hell or high water that the Leafs dressing room is a pretty comfortable place to be these days. The next star player Maurice benches, sends to the press box or publicly admonishes will be the first.

Yes, his dry wit and little boy smirk make him popular with the local press (who judge everyone based solely on their media availability). But if he'd bothered to ask for even a little bit of accountability from his listless veterans this year, would they have been so eager to stick around and ride out another last place finish?

5 - Darcy Tucker
Tucker has had a terrible year, and still insists on spouting meaningless platitudes about how good the team could be if they were only healthy. On the other hand, his contract isn't actually all that bad -- especially if he's been playing hurt. And he's the only one of the veterans who seems to genuinely love playing in Toronto, so his refusal to waive seems somewhat reasonable.

6 - Andrew Raycroft
He deserves some blame for this somehow. Give me time, I'll figure something out.

7 - Pavel Kubina
The other NTCers were being selfish -- Kubina was just plain dumb. He could have hand-picked a deal to a contender, but instead he'll wind up going wherever Fletcher decides to banish him. Kubina is actually a better player than many give him credit for. I hope he enjoys proving it in Edmonton next year.

8 - Mats Sundin
I've been harsh on the captain this week, arguing that Sundin is selfish and mocking his NTC stance. There's little doubt that 14 years of service has earned him the right to make his own decision -- even if that decision turn out to be disastrous for the franchise, which it will. But once he made that call, it was a given that the rest of the veterans would fall in line. With retirement looking more and more likely, it's sad to think that our final memory of Mats will be of him torpedoing a desperately needed rebuilding plan for the sake of his own personal comfort zone.

9 - Bryan McCabe
The poster child and unofficial spokesman of the NTC 5. Has the worst contract of the bunch. Toyed with Leaf fans by pretending he'd accept a deal, then joked about it afterwards. Doesn't seem to understand how ridiculous he sounds when he says the Leafs are a good team. Probably wanted to leave, but couldn't get a signed permission note from his wife. Makes me so angry I write in incomplete sentences.

10 - John Ferguson Jr.
Apparently those wild street celebrations on January 21 were premature. Thanks to his weak-kneed willingness to hand out no-trade clauses to anyone who batted their eyes at him, Ferguson's utter incompetence has derailed this franchise so badly that it could take years to fix.

The only positive aspect to this whole debacle was watching Fergie squirm his way through TSN's deadline coverage, standing meekly by while everyone else piled on. I may not know much about the machinations of NHL front office work, but I know this much: if Mike Milbury is scoring points off of criticizing your performance, you were a monumentally terrible GM.

¹Note how I cleverly make this look like a regular feature, instead of something I made up today.