Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Christmas cancelled

After watching the Leafs get crushed 8-2, at home, by the last place Dallas Stars tonight, I did the only thing a self-respecting Leaf fan could do: woke my infant daughter, sat her down, and explained that Christmas had been cancelled.

When she tearfully asked why Santa wasn't coming to visit her this year, I explained that it was very complicated. But mostly, it was because Vesa Toskala handles rebounds like a tennis ball street hockey goalie with a baseball cap for a glove, the Leafs defence is so soft that Mike Ribeiro can drive to the net against them, and Jason Blake still celebrates goals that cut a deficit to 7-1.

Then, one by one, I opened all her Christmas presents in front of her, held them up, and threw them into the furnace. And that part wasn't fun, because little Rover put up a hell of a fight.

Then I sent her back to bed. At the top of the stairs she turned and asked if it was true what the kids at daycare said, that there wouldn't be another Christmas for years because things were just going to get worse and worse with no hope of improving for a generation. I informed her that those kids were Sens fans, and that there was still a chance that things would be better for us next year, and the year after, because a nice man named Brian Burke wasn't going to put up with this crap much longer.

Then I tucked her in, read her Wendel and the Great One until she fell asleep, and sat in the dark trying to figure how to get the smell of burnt fur out of the walls.

So thanks a lof, Leafs. And happy holidays.


  1. yarg! third spit take of the day!

    you guys are impeding my ability to ingest liquids...

    great one DGB.

  2. Pure genius! Now this is truly funny.

  3. Haha. This rules. I was at a get-together last night and only managed to check the boxscore on tsn.ca at like 3am. I saw that Jason Blake scored a meaningless goal, and immediately pictured a ridiculously over-exuberant celebration. I CALLED IT IN MY BRAIN!

    Very happy to see the Leafs destroyed here. Brian Burke is going to seethe over the holidays and show up for work post-break with TNT strapped to his waist. Can't hardly wait!

  4. What did Vesa do to his teammates that make them play so bad in front of him. They played for Pogge and see what happened?

    Maybe Vesa handed out Finnnish herring for Chritmas gifts.

    Great story by the way, feel bad for rover though.

  5. MLK Jr. in the 60s, but today.

  6. Dude, I just want to say...as a chronic lurker, and a former 'Leaf fan in Ottawa' (no better place to be a leaf fan, I was there for the hand-wringing playoff years), I think your blog is a must read at the top of the "barilkosphere". Or any other sphere. First rate. Hilarious.
    So, Merry Christmas, and keep on killin' it in the new year.

    Wendel Alomar Jr.

  7. I purchased tickets to the Dallas game (my first time sitting in the golds, section 119 behind the players bench) as a Christmas gift and was super excited.
    I will never, EVER go to another Leafs game if Vesa Toskala is playing in net.
    Love the post.