More angry letters to Gary Bettman

"Hate mail. Hate mail. Monthly kickback
cheque from David Stern... Hate mail."

Last week was a rough one for Gary Bettman. The commisioner had to fight fires on two fronts, with a deteriorating ownership situation in Phoenix overlapping with Zdeno Chara's controversial hit on Max Pacioretty.

As if that wasn't enough, Bettman now seems to be facing a rebellion from his corporate partners. Air Canada fired the first shot on Wednesday when they released a letter expressing concern about the league's perceived violence problem. Via Rail followed up with a similar letter on Friday.

Fan reaction to the letters was split. Some argued that they were a cynical attempt to score public relations points, while others felt that it was about time a league partner stood up for player safety. But whichever side you're on, there was an important point that almost all fans missed: Angry letters to the league from corporate sponsors aren't remotely unusual.

In fact, Bettman receives correspondence from his partners all the time, and most of them are complaining about something. To prove the point, inside sources raided Bettman's inbound mailbox over the weekend and supplied me some of his most recent feedback from corporate sponsors. As you'll see, it's not pretty.

***

Dear Gary,

We're always looking for new ideas, and we certainly appreciate you taking the time to send us your suggestions. But with all due respect, we're pretty sure that "Roll Up The Rim To Lose, But Still Get a Point For Reasons Nobody Quite Understands" would be a disaster.

Thanks anyways,
Tim Hortons

***

Dear Gary,

Are you serious? It's bad enough that part of our sponsorship agreement says we need to have half our fleet circling the arena in Phoenix at all times, but now you expect us to deploy to Atlanta too?

Sincerely,
Acme Moving Vans Inc.

***

Dear Gary,

Is there anything you can do about the Leafs' recent run at a playoff spot? We've made billions in profits since the lockout thanks to Toronto-based anti-depressant sales, and now we're all on the verge of bankruptcy.

Warmly,
The Association of Canadian Pharmaceutical Companies

***

Dear Gary,

This is to inform you that I am seriously considering terminating my sponsorship agreement with the NHL. Given some of the recent on-ice events, I'm concerned that a continued association with your league could negatively affect my image.

Your pal,
Hosni Mubarak

***

Dear Gary,

This is out of control. We just spent two years and almost $200M on the filming of Transformers 3, and when we went to edit it we found Ryan Kesler lurking in the background of every single shot.

Please do something,
Paramount Pictures

***

Dear Gary,

We're writing to express our deep concern over how exactly we're supposed to include this year's Colorado Avalanche in our upcoming release of our NHL 2012 game. As you know, our current ratings systems isn't designed to accept negative numbers.

Yours,
EA Sports

***

Dear Gary,

Thank you for your recent correspondence, in which you complained about certain elements of NBC's coverage of the NHL. I am writing to assure you that all senior management here were completely appalled by your note and are treating it extremely seriously, as they were completely unaware that NBC has been broadcasting NHL hockey. Needless to say, we'll be rectifying this situation as soon as possible.

Thanks again,
NBC Sports

***

Dear Gary,

Any chance you could ask the networks to stop showing so many close ups of the press box? Every time they do, refund requests on our high-definition TVs go through the roof.

Your friends,
Sony Corporation

***

Hi Gary,

In answer to your questions: Yes, we've had tremendous success selling touch-based games on our app store. Yes, we're aware that certain Canadian teams are very popular. No, we're still not interested in your proposal for "Angry Burkes".

Thanks anyway,
Apple

***

Dear Gary,

I know that you're hearing plenty of complaints this week. I just wanted to reach out to you in this difficult time and urge you to ignore the criticism. Your administration is, as always, doing a fantastic job for your corporate partners. Heck, I for one know that our business has never been better, thanks to you.

All the best,
Ernie's Emporium of Stretchers, Neck Braces and Wheelchairs

2009-2010 Season Preview: The Northwest Division

As we count down the final days leading up to the 2009-10 regular season, let's take a look at each of the 30 teams with the official DGB Season Preview. Today, we look at the Northwest Division.

Edmonton Oilers

The good: At last count there were still at least 20 players in the NHL who don't have no-trade clauses, meaning Oilers can still field a complete roster.
The bad: The leaking of the names involves in the Heatley trade negotiations left guys like Dustin Penner twisting in the wind, or would have if it were physically possible to lift him off the ground.
Biggest question mark: Will injury-prone Nikolai Khabibulin respond well to a lighter workload in Edmonton, given that he won't have to ever play in the playoffs?
Fearless forecast: A frustrated Pat Quinn becomes the most popular coach in Oilers history when he extinguishes his cigar in Mike Comrie's eye.

Minnesota Wild

The good: Finally abandoned the trap and committed to playing a more free-flowing offensive system, meaning now the only member of the Wild who consistently puts people to sleep will be Derek Boogaard.
The bad: The loss of superstar Marion Gaborik could prove devastating to the hundreds of local health care workers who relied on him for full-time employment.
Biggest question mark: Will Niklas Backstrom's numbers take a hit now that he may be asked to occasionally face a shot on net?
Fearless forecast: You will accidentally refer to them as the "North Stars" every time you talk about them all year, which will be twice.

Calgary Flames

The good: Spent off-season conducting exhaustive search for the best possible head coach, who in incredibly bizarre coincidence ended up being the GM's brother.
The bad: It's going to be awkward when they finish first in the division, only to find out that Jay Bouwmeester packed up and went home the day the season ended out of force of habit.
Biggest question mark: Will Dion Phaneuf's play be negatively affected around the time of a full moon when he is visited by the ghostly corpse of Kyle Okposo?
Fearless forecast: The team should be a strong Cup contender except in the extremely unlikely event that Miikka Kiprusoff's play deteriorates, the way it has every single year since the lockout.

Colorado Avalanche

The good: Had the brilliant idea of hiring universally beloved former player Joe Sakic to coach the team.
The bad: Probably should have proofread that job offer a little more carefully before sending it out.
Biggest question mark: Seriously, why is every single person from the front office and coaching staff a former Maple Leaf fourth liner?
Fearless forecast: During a brawl-filled game against the Red Wings Chris Osgood skates the length of the ice for the traditional goalie fight, only to be disappointed to learn that the Avs haven't had an NHL goaltender in three years.

Vancouver Canucks

The good: Size up front. The forwards weigh in at an average of 220 lbs.
The bad: That drops to 175 lbs on nights Kyle Wellwood isn't playing.
Biggest question mark: How injured would Roberto Luongo have to be for it to actually makes sense to use backup goalie Andrew Raycroft instead? Two missing limbs? Three?
Fearless forecast: At long last, Vancouver hockey fans get to watch a championship hockey team. Then the Olympics end, and the Canucks resume their march to a second round elimination.

Live-blogging Leafs vs. Avs

I will be live-blogging tonight's Leafs/Avs game over at thescore.com. Feel free to drop by whenever the PPP game thread freezes, and find out how many Raycroft saves and/or shots of tequila it will take before I snap and get myself fired.

TheScore.com live blog - Avs vs. Leafs

(Fair warning: if the game is dull, I plan to randomly start liveblogging games from the Leafs 1993 playoff run instead.)

Who is Jeff Finger and why are we paying him $14M?

I'll admit it. The Leafs just signed a free agent to a pretty substantial contract, and I have no idea who he is.

So I asked somebody who would: the fine folks over at the excellent Avs blog In The Cheap Seats.

Here's their scouting report:

Jeff Finger seemed like he was going to be a career AHL guy until an injury to the Avs earned Finger a call-up late in the 2006-2007 season. He played well and ended up playing 72 games this year, averaging 20 minutes a game.

He's your basic stay-at-home banger. He led the team in hits and he blocks a lot of shots (something the Avs blueliners do a lot). He doesn't fight much, although he apparently has a history with new Ranger Aaron Voros that goes back several years in the AHL. After nearly getting hit in the eye this year with a skate or a stick (I can't remember), he started wearing a visor, but Grapes will probably still like him for the way he likes to get involved in all the little scrums in front of the net.

He's not very fast and isn't so great with the puck, but he does have a good hard right-handed shot that always seems to find it's way to the net, so he could put up some good numbers on the PP.

In short, he's a great guy to have and when the Leafs buy him out in a couple of years, I'd love to see him back in Colorado (we seem to be taking all your rejects these days). $3.5 million is too much money, but if you can get over that, you'll be happy. He's not going to turn the franchise around.

Toronto fans don't ever complain about overpaid, defensemen who like to wear mohawks, right? (Did I forget to mention the mohawk?)

I think that makes me feel a little bit better. Not much, but a little bit.

P.S. Welcome Puck Daddy visitors. Feel free to check out the "greatest hits" column on the right for more Leafs coverage.