Sunday, December 28, 2008

Who took out Matt Stajan?

Artist's conception
There's been lots of coverage of Matt Stajan's eye injury, which apparently happened when he was hit in the face with a soccer ball during a warmup session. What's missing from the stories I've seen so far is a culprit. Last time I checked, soccer balls don't just fire themselves down a hallway.

So the question becomes, who did it? Who took out the Leafs' leading scorer?

I'm not sure I can answer that, but I do think that we can narrow the field by the process of elimination. Here's a list of Leaf-related suspects I think we can declare innocent of all charges.

Jason Blake - Shot would have fluttered harmlessly into Stajan's chest.

Ryan Hollweg - Would have been the first known instance of him hitting somebody who was facing him.

Vesa Toskala / Curtis Joseph - So far this season, have not been involved in any cases of a shot actually being stopped.

Howard Berger - Could not possibly spend time playing silly games like soccer when there are sick children dying in the hospital.

Luke Schenn - Would have immediately laid hands on Stajan, healed him.

Brian Burke - Wait, did you say "soccer"? What are you, some kind of European? You're traded!

Tomas Kaberle - Not sure what you mean by "shooting". Is that like a really hard pass or something?

John Tavares - Is not actually on the Leafs roster. That's a recurring dream you've been having every night since the WJC started.

Ian White - Spends 100% of off-ice time grooming moustache.

Damien Cox - Couldn't have been involved, since that would have meant actually being near the dressing room.

Lee Stempniak - Upon trade to Leafs, signed contract addendum agreeing to never do anything that has any impact, on anything, ever.

Mats Sundin - No longer plays for Leafs. You were probably unaware of this due to the lack of media coverage.

Dominic Moore - Former Harvard grad has no interest in soccer, and has so far been unsuccesful in organizing impromptu hallway games of fencing or lightweight crew.

Jeff Finger - Too busy with regular off-ice activities: rolling in pile of money, looking at statistics, laughing hysterically.

Alexei Ponikarovsky - But did immediately hammer the rebound back into Stajan's face out of force of habit.

Ron Wilson - Is a wise judge of talent who instantly recognized Stajan's abilities, and would obviously never do anything to remove him from the lineup.


  1. Great post, DGB. Love it. Blake, Hollweg, Stempniak and Poni really stand out for me.

    A belated Merry Christmas to you and yours.

    Here's to more bickering between us in 2009.


  2. It was Jiri Tlusty, he blinded Matty with his camera flash and then assaulted him to get back in the line up.
    He only thought it was a soccer ball.

  3. Don't you ever make fun of White's moustache again...

    Those facial pubes are the best thing going for the leafs this year.

  4. Matt Stajan wins at life.

    But I bet Domi is tending to him now.

  5. brilliant post especially the Schenn one!

  6. Great article.

    One thing though; Europeans call it football and not soccer. Well at least all the Europeans I know.

  7. You forgot one...

    Matt Stajan - In an attempt to pass the ball to another player had it ricochet off a pillar and bounce back and hit him in the face knocking him silly.

    Just the visual of that is enough to send me to tears. lol

    Super post, best in a while.

    Happy New Year to all ;-)

  8. /dons nurse's outfit, rushes to Matt's aid