would not include any Heatley jokes.
After all, the game is booming in Canada. TV ratings are soaring, the dollar is strong, and there's even talk of adding more teams in the Great White North. How is it possible that a team in a city that unironically calls itself "Hockey Country" could be losing money?
Unfortunately, it's true. And after crunching some numbers and holding off-the-record discussions with several front office staff, I think I know why.
- That whole "Alexei Kovalev will act like he vaguely gives a crap or your money back" promotion was probably a bad idea.
- Foolishly bet Mike Fisher $100 that he wouldn't have the guts to ask out the next former reality show C-lister who walked through the door.
- Probably should have listened to Andy Sutton and ensured that financial advisors were, in fact, experts.
- Fans must remember that markets like Toronto and Montreal have certain geographical advantages, such as a larger population base, a more established business community, and an arena that's actually accessible by paved roads.
- Were stuck paying Jonathan Cheechoo's $3.5 million annual salary, which over the course of the entire season worked out to $7 million per goal.
- Owner Eugene Melnyk in unconcerned about profits and won't hesitate to spend money because he is completely committed to bringing a championship to the city of Ottawa, or at least that's what he told everyone when he showed up for that one game five months ago.
- It gets expensive sending a new floral arrangement to Matt Carkner's widow every time Colton Orr comes to town.
- What, you think designing a new uniform every three months is free?
- Every time he sees the "how acquired" line in Chris Campoli's media guide bio, Bryan Murray throws another plasma TV through the press box window.
- The dismissal of longtime club president Roy Mlakar had a devastating impact on revenues from the office swear jar.
- An increasingly desperate desire to please fans lead to an irresponsible series of costly giveaways. (Wait, I'm sorry, that was meant for the list of "Reasons the Senators should trade Jason Spezza".)
- For several games in December, briefly exceeded operations budget by hiring a second goddamned parking lot attendant.
- Are still paying the buyout on the Crazy Fat Motivational Gladiator Guy's contract.
- What can we say, elite goaltending ain't cheap.
- Gosh, we have no idea. After all, Ottawa is such an amazing sports town.
- That futuristic biomechanical exoskeleton we had to install in Daniel Alfredsson after the Mark Bell hit takes like a million batteries.
- In hindsight, Spartacat's "Crowned Rack of Lamb with Saffron Rice and Apricot-Mint Sauce Master Blaster" probably would have still been popular if we'd just used hot dogs.