I am so old, and other thoughts on the Coyotes' new GM

The late 80s were a fun time to be a hockey fan. Wayne Gretzky won the final Stanley Cup of his career, was traded, and then watched the Calgary Flames win their very first. Mario Lemieux won his first MVP, a Hall-of-Famer made a stunning return to the league, and the first wave of Russian stars arrived in the NHL. We saw the first ever goalie to shoot and score, then saw the same guy appoint himself team enforcer. There was a lights-out brawl at the World Juniors and a donut-related referees strike in the Stanley Cup playoffs. It was pretty wild.

If all of that is bringing back fond memories for you, then you may want to stop reading now, because you’re about to feel very old: on Thursday, the Arizona Coyotes appointed a general manager who wasn’t alive for any of those things.

>> Read the full post at The Guardian

The NHL's application form for new owners

The "Everyone who thinks hockey can
work in Phoenix" club: 2011 group photo

Welcome to the latest round of NHL ownership roulette. While the Buffalo Sabres seem to have found a saviour in Terry Pegula, other teams haven't been so lucky. The Dallas Stars' ownership situation could impact their ability to resign players like Brad Richards, while the Atlanta Thrashers have been mentioned as a team that could be on the move as early as next season.

And then, of course, there's the never-ending saga of the Phoenix Coyotes. Ongoing wrangling with the city of Glendale has many predicting that the team will have no choice but to move, perhaps back to Winnipeg.

It's all very frustrating, and as a fan you'd be forgiven if you were tempted to take matters into your own hands and just buy a team for yourself. And if so then you're in luck, because I've obtained a copy of the league's application form for new owners. Simply fill out the form below and send it to Gary Bettman, and soon you too could be the proud owner of your very own team.

***

Thank you for your interest in purchasing an NHL team. As you can imagine, the process of being accepted as an NHL owner is an arduous one that involves an exhaustive examination of your background and qualifications.

In that spirit, please complete the following one-page application form:

Are you interested in buying an NHL team?
( ) Yes
( ) No

If you indicated "Yes" to the question above… uh, seriously?
( ) Ha ha… No
( ) Yes!

Wow. OK, next question: Do you have any money?
( ) Yes
( ) No
( ) No, but I am willing to pretend that I do until it's too late.

If you are applying to purchase a team in a large market with a rich history, please indicate the name of the billion-dollar company you are associated with:
______________________________

If you are applying to purchase a team in a medium-sized market with a small but loyal fan base, please indicate how many loans you will require to complete this transaction:
______________________________

If you are applying to purchase a team in the southern United States, please indicate how much loose change you have in your pocket right now:
______________________________

If you are applying to purchase a team in the southern US or other non-traditional market, please indicate the reason for your interest (check all that apply):
( ) Have not read an article on the economics of hockey since the 1993 Stanley Cup final.
( ) Have succeeded at everything I've ever tried; want to see what this whole "failure" thing I've heard so much about is like.
( ) Want someplace I can go a few evenings a week during the winter when I need to be alone.
( ) A judge has recently ordered me to pay half my net worth to my ex-wife; my lawyer tells me that this will be slightly less obvious than just setting a giant pile of money on fire.

Please describe your level of familiarity with the sport of hockey:
( ) Have been a die-hard fan ever since the sport was invented, back on the day Mark Messier was traded to the Rangers.
( ) Have seen most of the Mighty Duck movies.
( ) Once got a blister playing the arcade version of "Blades of Steel" with the rolly ball thing.
( ) Hockey's the one with pigskin and cleats and the billion-dollar TV contract, right?

Do you have an in-depth plan in place for financing a state-of-the-art arena for your team?
( ) Yes
( ) No

Can that in-depth plan be summarized in its entirety as "Get the city to pay for it"?
( ) Yes
( ) Yes

What is your ultimate goal in purchasing an NHL franchise?
( ) Winning a Stanley Cup championship
( ) Fostering a sense of civic pride within my community
( ) Fostering a sense of civic pride within whichever community I'm threatening to move the team to in a few months
( ) Have several enemies; would like to work in an industry in which I can break their necks without consequences

Hey, you're not planning to be one of those owners who writes open letters, are you?
( ) What?
( ) No sir!

Finally, if you're reading this application form on a smart phone, what kind is it?
( ) iPhone
( ) Droid
( ) Blackberry
( ) Unreleased Blackberry prototype, since it's my company and … uh, I mean, iPhone.

Nice try, Jim.
( ) Dammit!

Tips for winning your office playoff pool

It's the day after the end of the NHL's regular season, and that means that millions of hockey fans around the world will soon be drafting teams for their annual playoff pool.

Some people claim that playoff pools are all luck. Nonsense. Not only can you win your office pool, but you can dominate. But you need to go into your draft with a strategy.

Are you tired of being the Marian Hossa of your office pool? If so, change your luck this year by following the tips below:

• When faced with a choice between two players with similar talent levels and statistical output, it's generally a good idea to lean towards the one whose team qualified for the post-season.
  
  
• Joe Thornton, Patrick Marleau and Dany Heatley would all make for excellent first-round selections in playoff pools that don't count stats such as goals and assists.
  
  
• You should absolutely feel free to draft players from the Eastern Conference once all the players from the good teams are gone.
  
  
• The Phoenix Coyotes finished with 107 points. It might be a good idea to Google them to see if you can figure out the names of some of their players.
  
  
• If there are fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs taking part in your draft, remember to build in some extra time at the start for explaining what "playoffs" means.
  
  
• Before picking Chris Phillips, double-check your rules to make sure your pool doesn't only count playoff goals scored against the other team.
  
  
• Avalanche goalie Craig Anderson probably won't get you many wins or shutouts. But if your pool has a category for "Having the same haircut as Friar Tuck from Rocket Robin Hood"... well then, ka-ching!
  
  
• Wherever possible, load up on players from the two highest scoring teams: The Washington Capitals, and whoever is playing against the Washington Capitals.
  
  
• Yes, it will be tempting to pick Ryan Miller based on his MVP-calibre season. But don't forget that he plays in Buffalo, so something horrible is going to happen to him.
  
  
• Many "experts" will tell you to avoid Russian players, since as Europeans they don't care about the Stanley Cup as much as North Americans and won't be willing to do the hard work it takes to win one. This is nonsense. Russia is technically part of Asia.
  
  
• Office pools with coworkers are lots of fun. But remember, if you work in the newspaper industry be sure to get everyone's money in advance in case your paper goes out of business before June.
  
  
• When doing projections for Philadelphia Flyers forwards, remember to factor in the fact that they'll all probably be forced to play goalie at some point.
  
  
• Wherever possible, focus on players that appear to be well-rested. For example, savvy veteran Matt Cooke recently took a refreshing ten-minute nap in the middle of a game.

April Fools - NHL style

It's April 1, and here at Down Goes Brown that means two things: the Leafs have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, and it's time for the annual April Fools post.

So just like in 2008 and 2009, let's see if we can come up with some practical jokes and wacky pranks that various NHL personalities could play on each other today.

Marc Savard - Playfully tease Matt Cooke when he asks if you've forgiven him by blinking twice for "no" instead of once for "yes".

Taylor Hall - Call Brian Burke; tell him you just checked the standings and are wondering why no Leafs scouts ever come to your games.

Phoenix Coyotes - Send out season ticket renewal forms with a Winnipeg return address.

Alexander Ovechkin - Scare Ted Leonsis by telling him that you were a regular client of that steroid-dealing chiropractor. Quickly reassure him that in truth you've never even seen a chiropractor, since you've never suffered from any back problems at all unless you want to count all that acne.

2K Sports - Pick some random second-liner from an insignificant team; tell him he's been chosen for the cover of NHL 2K11.

Stephane Auger - Before tonight's game, inform one of the players that you're planning to "get him", when in fact you're really planning to get a completely different player.

Gary Bettman - Make a hilarious announcement that blindside hits will now result in suspensions but not penalties, as if any self-respecting league would ever do such a thing.

Joe Thornton - Completely forget how to be an effective hockey player. (Not actually a prank; more of an annual April tradition.)

Pat Quinn - Tell team that it's really important to give their best effort during their remaining games because they still matter somehow.

Mario Lemieux - Over breakfast, jokingly suggest to Sidney Crosby that maybe it's time for him to move out and get his own place like an actual man would do.

Jonathan Toews - Confuse Blackhawk fans by posing for a massive highway billboard next to a strange trophy none of them have ever seen before.

Florida Panthers - During boring team meeting, throw paper airplane at David Booth that hits him right in the head! Ha, he never even saw -- oh god, I think we killed him.

Shane O'Brien - When the bartender asks if you want to buy another round, humorously reply "No thank you, because I am a professional athlete and I have practice tomorrow".

2009-2010 Season Preview: The Pacific Division

As we count down the final days leading up to the 2009-10 regular season, let's take a look at each of the 30 teams with the official DGB Season Preview. Today, we look at the Pacific Division.

San Jose Sharks

The good: Finally addressed that longstanding "locker room cancer" void.
The bad: Attempted to address a history of playoff failure by acquiring an Ottawa Senator. Let that sink in for a minute.
Biggest question mark: Will it be an upper body or a lower body injury that Dany Heatley fakes to get out of the first game in Edmonton?
Fearless forecast: The Sharks record 145 regular season points, then manage to lose their first round playoff series in three games.

Anaheim Ducks

The good: Feature starting goaltender Jonas Hiller, whose outstanding play in the post-season showed that he is without question the second best European free agent goalie named "Jonas" that Brian Burke has ever signed.
The bad: Ex-Hab Saku Koivu may have a difficult time adjusting to the lack of pompous ceremonial wankfests at the start of every single game.
Biggest question mark: Ryan Getzlaf is going to get it over with and shave his head, isn't he? He knows we can see him, right?
Fearless forecast: As per league rules, will at some point trade Joffrey Lupul for Chris Pronger.

Dallas Stars

The good: This.
The bad: Every one of those girls probably has Sean Avery cooties.
Biggest question mark: When Joe Nieuwendyk was reading Marc Crawford's resume, did the page listing everything from 1998-2009 fall out?
Fearless forecast: The team is much-improved thanks to the unveiling of a clever new trick play known as "Marty Turco actually make a save".

Los Angeles Kings

The good: Drafted Brayden "Owen" Schenn, who will inspire teammates with stories of how awesome his big brother is.
The bad: Front office made Brian Burke angry, and as such will probably all be dead by November.
Biggest question mark: Most terrifying Hunter for a Los Angeles King to run into in a dark alley: Tim, Dale, or Rachel?
Fearless forecast: The young team will no doubt benefit from the leadership of Ryan Smyth, who has been a winner everywhere he's ever played with the exception of Colorado, Long Island, and every year in Edmonton except one.

Phoenix Coyotes

The good: Thanks to an aggressive marketing push, experts are now predicting higher-than-expected ticket sales in the 14,000 to 16,000 range.
The bad: That's not an average.
Biggest question mark: Will the team still be able to travel to road games with Wayne Gretzky stuck under the team bus?
Fearless forecast: Calls for "The Whiteout" will once again be heard in April, as employees look for corrective fluid to remove the word "Phoenix" from their business cards.

The NHL's secret plan to regain its popularity

Gary Bettman predicts the Phoenix
Coyotes' 2009-10 season ticket sales.

The NHL received some harsh news last week, with the release of a study that declared that interest in the NHL is dropping in Canada. Combined with the well-documented struggles of many American teams and a worsening economy, it would appear that the league is facing a potential crisis.

Luckily, NHL leadership is aware of the problem and has enacted several initiatives to face the issue. I've obtained a top secret NHL memo which outlines 15 strategies the league will be implementing to regain its popularity.

• Kill off formerly popular "wacky neighbor" character played by Jeremy Roenick.
  
  
• Reconsider plan to have entire 2009-10 marketing campaign managed by Dany Heatley's agents.
  
  
• Effective immediately, Alexander Ovechkin plays for all 30 teams.
  
  
• Make sure any league decision is in the best interest of the fans by constantly asking "What would the Toronto Blue Jays do in this situation?", then doing the exact opposite.
  
  
• The next time NBC executives ask the league to play a crucial playoff game outside of prime time, Gary Bettman will look them straight in the eye and say "no" before immediately assuring them he was kidding, refilling their coffee cup, and scheduling the game for 3:00 a.m.
  
  
• Encourage financial responsibility among star players by reminding them to insist on receiving their full change after cab rides.
  
  
• Offer a boost to struggling franchises in Tampa Bay and Florida by having them play each other in this year's Winter Classic in Miami.
  
  
• Encourage US fans to attend regular season games in person instead of watching them for free on TV by making sure the games are broadcast on a third-rate network nobody has ever heard of.
  
  
• In the Western Conference, I don't know, maybe try letting somebody other than the Red Wings be good every now and then?
  
  
• To better attract southern US fans, zambonis will now travel 190 mph, only turn left, and occasionally crash into the end boards and explode.
  
  
• Have Gary Bettman give one of his "everything is going great" press conferences. Those always work.
  
  
• Continue taking the advice of marketing consultants by changing uniform designs, swapping home/away colors, and encouraging teams to come up with new third jerseys every year. Because nothing builds fan loyalty like a fun game of "wait, which one of these teams am I supposed to be cheering for?"
  
  
• Goaltenders must now twitter during shootout attempts.
  
  
• In order to encourage success in the crucial New York market, pass a new rule forcing less-important teams to take on the Rangers' bad contracts via horrible trades (rule already enacted).
  
  
• At all costs, avoid moving any teams into Canada's declining market, and instead keep them in places like Phoenix where hockey's popularity hasn't changed in 100 years.