What do the Washington Capitals do now?

Heading into last night, it felt like something might have finally changed for the Washington Capitals. After three decades of increasingly devastating playoff debacles, this time felt like it might be different. After falling behind 3–1 in their series with the Penguins, they’d fought back to force a seventh game. You could feel the narrative rewriting itself — the notorious choke artists were finally going to flip the script on their arch-rival, the sort of dramatic turnaround that sends a franchise on the way to its first championship.

And then it all happened again.

Last night’s 2–0 loss didn’t just end the Capitals’ season. It was the worst-case scenario — one that saw yet another promising Washington season end with a whimper. It wasn’t their best game. It wasn’t even close. And they know it.

Lots of anger in #Caps room, they said they didn't leave it all in the ice, the effort wasn't there. Last year was sadness, this yr anger.

— Jill Sorenson (@JillCSN) May 11, 2017

And now they’re left wondering what’s next. How do you fix this? Can you fix this?

This the part where I’m supposed to lay out what the Capitals’ ideal off-season plan should be. But here’s the thing: I’m not sure there is one. There are several different routes the Caps could go here, and each one has some serious flaws.

Option #1: Blow it all up

The approach: Sometimes when you're holding a losing hand, the smart thing to do is to keep playing until your luck turns around. And sometimes, the right move is to fold your cards, walk away from the table and cut your losses.

The Alex Ovechkin-era Capitals have been trying to win a Cup for a dozen years now, and the core of this year's edition has been together for the last five. That's a long time in the salary-cap world. The list of NHL teams that have been contenders that long without ever getting close, only to finally break through years down the line, is an awfully short one. It might even be empty.

Something's rotten in the foundation. Bulldoze the whole thing and rebuild.

The problem: Let's start with the obvious: This is a really good team. They've put up 238 points over the last two seasons, which is ridiculous in the NHL's age of parity.

So why haven't they won a championship? Well, as unsatisfying as the answer might be, maybe they're just unlucky. The league's playoff format means they have to get past a tough Penguins team to escape the second round, and they've come within a bounce or two of doing it. An 82-game season should tell us a lot more than a seven-game series, and in the Capitals' case, it's telling us that this is an excellent team. Blowing them up because they lost a Game 7 seems foolish.

But let's say you don't buy any of that, and you really think this team needs to start over. How do you do it? The team's four highest-paid players in terms of cap hit are all signed through at least 2020, and as you may have heard, trading big contracts isn't easy these days. You can let UFAs like Karl Azner or T.J. Oshie walk, but breaking up the core might be just about impossible. And if you do manage to trade some of your bigger names, you won't be getting anywhere near fair value.

Option #2: Trade Alex Ovechkin

The approach: OK, so making a bunch of trades will be tough. So instead, make one. There's no bigger move the Capitals could make, and no cleaner break from the identity they've built, than pulling the trigger on an Ovechkin deal.

It's been called "unthinkable", and yet you can bet a lot of Capitals fans are thinking it right now. Ovechkin is a great player who'll be an easy Hall of Fame pick some day. Heck, he might go down in history as the greatest goal-scorer of all-time.

But between the playoffs and the Olympics, he's come up small when his team needed him most time and again. At some point, that becomes a pattern. And with four years left on his deal, there's only one realistic way for Washington to break out of it.

Here's the full #Capitals coach Barry Trotz quote, when asked about Alex Ovechkin's performance in the series. #Game7 pic.twitter.com/I4OqnEF4FX

— Greg Wyshynski (@wyshynski) May 11, 2017

The problem: Like with the point above, we could wonder whether this sort of move wouldn't be a massive overreaction to a small-sample-size problem. In a league where goals are hard to come by, parting with a guy who produces more of them than any other player seems like a strange choice.

But again, let's ignore that and assume the Caps do decide that they want to move on from their franchise player. Who are you trading him to? Ovechkin will be 32 by opening night and carries the fourth-highest cap hit in the league. Not many teams could trade for him even if they wanted to.

Granted, we could have said similar things this time last year about someone like Shea Weber, and we know how that worked out. We've seen some big one-for-one deals in recent years, so maybe some other team that wants a big shakeup would be willing to roll the dice. But it seems extremely unlikely, and again, that's ignoring the fact that it doesn't necessarily seem like a great idea.

>> Read the full post at Sportsnet

Who's better, Habs or Rangers? It might be the Capitals

The highlight of Wednesday night's packed schedule was a showdown between the two teams sitting on top of the Eastern Conference standings. The Montreal Canadiens and New York Rangers faced off in New York, with the Canadiens earning an emphatic 5-1 win in what felt very much like a statement game.

And so, on the morning after, we can all agree on who now deserves the title of the East's best team.

The Washington Capitals.

Well, OK, I might be getting a bit ahead of myself here. The Canadiens deserve full credit for Wednesday night's impressive win, even if it might have cost them Carey Price, who left after two periods with another apparent leg injury. And nobody's going to write off the Rangers based on one game, even though their fans must be at least a little worried about how easily the Habs' speedsters exposed them all night.

But while all this was going on in New York, the Capitals were earning a tidy 5-3 home win over the Winnipeg Jets, drawing within three points of the Rangers for first in the Metro, with Washington holding a game in hand. Both teams have been hot in November. And putting aside the (embarrassing, inexcusable) presence of the loser point, the Rangers woke up Thursday with a 16-6 record, while the Caps are 15-6. Not much to choose from there.

>> Read the full post on ESPN.com

So you've become a hockey fan: Gary Bettman's post-Winter Classic FAQ

If you're a terrible commissioner and you
know it, karate chop an invisible midget.

After months of anticipation, the 2011 outdoor Winter Classic has come and gone. Thanks in part to HBO's behind-the-scenes 24/7 Penguins/Capitals documentary, this year's version of the NHL's showcase event was a big win for the league -- the most watched regular season game in the United States in over 30 years.

Great. So what now? How does the NHL capitalize on that success?

It won't surprise fans to learn that Gary Bettman has a plan. While I can't reveal my sources, I've come into possession of a top secret memo that Bettman recently sent to deputy commissioner Bill Daly.

***

Well Bill, the Winter Classic looks like it was an unqualified success. The ratings were fantastic, the fans had a great time, and the HBO 24/7 series was a huge hit. I think it's safe to assume that we'll be seeing a massive influx of new fans any day now.

To help our new fans understand the NHL, I took the liberty of putting together a list of frequently asked questions. Please give it a once over, and then have a copy mailed to every household in the United States. Overnight delivery. Thanks.

Commissioner Bettman, I really enjoyed the Winter Classic and 24/7, and am now considering becoming an NHL fan. However, I find the sport very confusing and I'm having trouble figuring out what's going on.
You and me both! But don't worry, it's easy enough to figure out if you sit through a few games, I'm told. And just to make it as simple as possible, I'll be glad to walk you through any questions you may have.

First things first: Are there other NHL teams besides the Penguins and Capitals?
Nope!

Wait, really?
OK, sure, in the strictest technical sense there are other teams in the league. In addition to the Penguins and Capitals, there are also the Flyers, Rangers, Red Wings, Blackhawks and… um… the Lakers. Look, it really doesn't matter. Just pay attention to the Penguins and Capitals and everyone will be happy.

Cool, so both those teams will have long playoff runs?
You know what, maybe just focus on the Penguins.

OK, so I'm watching my first post-Classic hockey game. What are the key differences I should be looking for?
Well, for one thing the game is indoors. The coaches aren't dressed like characters from an Archie comic. And there's a good chance that there's only a few hundred people in the stands. Other than that, though, it's pretty much the same.

Wait, did you say the game is indoors? Because it looks like it's raining even harder than it was at the Classic.
You must be watching a Devils home game. Those are the fans' tears.

Why is the puck sliding all around in this game instead of bouncing around randomly like a ping pong ball?
That's what happens when the games are played on a substance called "ice", instead of a slushy mess. It can make the game pretty boring, since the puck always goes where the players are trying to make it go. But don't worry, by the time the playoffs get here everything will be back to how you're used to.

I enjoyed the Winter Classic, but why was it played at night? I much prefer watching sports in the afternoon.
I know, right? Never fear, the Winter Classic was only played at night because of last-minute weather concerns. Rest assured that every other NBC game you ever see will take place in the afternoon.

Awesome! Even when it starts getting hot and all my neighbours are outside barbecuing and having fun?
Especially when it starts getting hot and all your neighbours are outside barbecuing and having fun!

One thing I didn't appreciate about 24/7 was all the swearing. Will I have to put up with that during every NHL game?
No. HBO aired uncensored clips of players and coaches, but those are never included in typical NHL broadcasts. You won't have to worry about being assaulted by a stream of increasingly frantic f-bombs during a regular game, unless you happen to be sitting next to a Toronto Maple Leafs fan.

Toronto? There are teams in Canada?
Next question!

OK Gary, bottom line: I'm a busy sports fan and I have to be pretty selective with what I watch. Why should I become an NHL fan? What can your league offer me that other sports can't?
We play the most beautiful game ever created. No sport has ever combined speed, strength, grace and brutality the way hockey does. Our players are the toughest in the world, we have a rich history, and we compete for the greatest trophy in all of sports.

Meh.
Um… Did I mention we got Stan Lee to draw a bunch of ridiculous superhero characters for all the teams?

I'm in!
Welcome aboard!

What we learned from the premiere of 24/7 Penguins/Capitals:

The show was named after the cumulative
score in a typical seven game series

Wednesday night marked the debut episode of 24/7 Penguins/Capitals: Road to the NHL Winter Classic, the league's latest and perhaps most ambitious attempt to gain traction with casual sports fans south of the border.

The series, part of HBO's successful franchise of sports-based reality shows, will chronicle the Capitals and Penguins in the weeks leading up to their January 1 outdoor showdown at Heinz Field in Pittsburgh. The producers have been given unprecedented access to both teams, and the result is a stunning look inside the inner workings of two of hockey's most popular organizations.

In this week's hour long debut, fans learned plenty about each team and about the league's behind-the-scenes planning for the Winter Classic. While it's difficult to narrow down all the memorable moments we were treated to, here's a list of some of the most stunning revelations from the show so far.

• Capitals coach Bruce Boudreau is apparently a big fan of South Atlantic archipelagos, because every second thing out of his mouth is "Falkland this" and "Falkland that".
  
  
• In an attempt to boost ratings in the all-important youth demographic, the role of Chris Kunitz is being played by Robert Pattinson.
  
  
• Every episode of the series will begin with a moment of silence in memory of the victims of the Jaromir Jagr trade.
  
  
• Winter Classic organizers are being constantly harassed by phone calls from Ty Conklin asking which team he's supposed to be playing for.
  
  
• According to a recent survey, a majority of Washington Capital fans believe that their current losing streak is the absolute worst thing that's happened to the franchise since its inaugural season in 2006.
  
  
• While organizing the traditional pre-Classic alumni game, a bitter dispute over which team should get former star defenceman Sergei Gonchar was interrupted when he sheepishly explained that technically, he's actually still playing in the NHL.
  
  
• The league initially wanted to hold the Winter Classic game in Washington, but could find no evidence that FedEx Field is capable of hosting professional sporting events in January.
  
  
• Sidney Crosby travels with an entourage of three people with tasers who's only job is to immediately shock him if he starts to do or say anything interesting.
  
  
• The NHL's top secret contingency plan in case of a rain storm involves just making all the players skate around holding umbrellas.
  
  
• Washington owner Ted Leonsis is convinced that the Capitals' current losing streak is his fault for not blogging hard enough, and has tearfully vowed to blog harder than ever before.
  
  
• Gary Bettman has already met privately with the game's officials to instruct them to call a tight game, avoid any questionable calls, and make sure the game comes down to a shootout between Ovechkin and Crosby if they ever want to see their missing families again.
  
  
• ESPN has committed to devoting more coverage to the Winter Classic than they have for any other NHL game of the post-lockout era, thanks to the presence of an intern in the third deck recording video clips on his iPhone.
  
  
• So yeah, it turns out Mike Green is actually like that in real life.
  
  
• Your expensive new television's warranty doesn't cover damage sustained when you instinctively leap off the couch and roundhouse punch the screen, as you recently found out thanks to an unexpected closeup shot of Matt Cooke.
  
  
• A frustrated Boudreau has had to repeatedly remind his players that yes, they're on a reality show, and yes, the vote may very well have been unanimous, but he still doesn't have to bring anyone his damn torch.
  

The horrible truth behind Montreal's miracle run

Oops. My bad.

The Montreal Canadiens are on one of the most stunning playoff runs in NHL history. After beating the Penguins tonight, they've now eliminated both the #1 seed and the defending champ, not to mention both of the game's biggest stars. Nobody can figure out how this is happening.

I think I know. And I think it's something I did. Let me explain.

The background: On April 21, the Caps beat the Habs 6-3 in game four of their first round series. It was an easy win, and it gave Washington a 3-1 lead in a series that everyone agreed was over.

The next day I got an e-mail from Greg Wyshynski at Puck Daddy, asking if Bloge Salming and I would be willing to write the 2009-2010 Montreal Canadiens eulogy. I agreed, and immediately started working on a thorough curb-stomping of the Habs and their wreck of a season. Oh, it was going to be glorious. It had a joke about riots, a Carey Price joke, a slightly different joke about riots, a shoe polish joke, and a joke about riots that was the same as the first one but used slightly different words. There was a good chance that once it was published, the Canadiens franchise would simply fold from the shame.

Three games later, the Caps had been stunned and Montreal was on their way to round two.

So I shelved the eulogy. No point, right? I'd have to rewrite it, but I had plenty of time. The Habs had earned four more games. Maybe even five. So I waited until Sunday, the day after the Penguins pushed Montreal to the brink of elimination. Then I fired up the eulogy and started reworking it.

Two games later, the Penguins are done and Montreal is in the conference finals for the first time since 1993.

Do you see what's happening here? Montreal is 5-0 when I'm working on their eulogy, and 3-6 when I'm not. Somehow, some way, my unfinished eulogy is changing the course of hockey history. It's become the official good luck charm of the 2009-2010 Montreal Canadiens. And if I don't put a stop to this now, it's going to single-handedly win the Habs a Stanley Cup.

Now, I've just entered my fourth decade of being a die-hard Toronto Maple Leafs fan, so I think it goes without saying that the hockey gods hate me, and high-five each other when ever they notice I'm sad. That much is a given. But are they punishing me? Is this their twisted idea of redemption? Could I have really wielded this awesome power all along?

I don't know. And I'm really not sure what to do. Should I delete the file? Do I have to set my computer on fire? Should I keep writing, just to see what happens?

I've been burdened with an awesome responsibility, and as Wendel is my witness I do not know what to do next. Help me, DGB readers. What should I do now?

A few other thoughts on the Habs:

• I tweeted this during the game, but the two guys who calls games for the Habs on the radio are the biggest homers I've ever heard -- and this is from somebody who grew up listening to Joe Bowen and is exposed to Dean Brown on a regular basis.
  
  Apparently it's Rick Moffat and Murray Wilson. And here's an actual transcript of them calling a Montreal goal: "YAAAYYYY!" These guys make Rick Jeanneret cringe.
  
  Look, I understand that local guys are allowed to wander off the path of strict objectivity from time to time. I'm fine with that. But is this some southern US market that desperately needs to sell the excitement of the game, or is it Montreal? Do Habs fans really go for this sort of thing? I really thought they'd be the last ones to need this sort of act.
  
  
• Since the last time the Leafs played a playoff game, we've seen the Red Mile, the Blue Mile, the Sens Mile, the declaration of "Canucks Day" after just one round, and now downtown Montreal being shut down before every playoff game.
  
  So... we can all just admit now that the whole "Leaf fans are lame because they honk horns on Yonge St after playoff wins" thing was BS, right? The idea that there was something wrong with being happy that your team won in the playoffs was stupid all along, but like so many media cliches it was an easy way for dumb people to get in a few shots at Leaf fans. But the gig is up, right? We all agree that we're never going to hear about this again? OK, just making sure.
  
  
• Speaking of my passive-aggressive persecution complex... The Habs have now won two seven-game series to advance to the conference finals. Nobody saw this coming. It's been an exhilarating and borderline ridiculous ride, the kind of thing that most hockey fans only get to experience once in a generation.
  
  I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's a part of me that sincerely hopes they lose in the next round after an obvious penalty goes uncalled by a referee staring right at it, just so I can spend the next 17 years feigning confusion over why Habs fans don't just get over it.
  
  
• Finally (with a glove tap to Jeffler), this happened. Who says Twitter isn't a valuable tool for finding out what's truly important in the world?

Tips for winning your office playoff pool

It's the day after the end of the NHL's regular season, and that means that millions of hockey fans around the world will soon be drafting teams for their annual playoff pool.

Some people claim that playoff pools are all luck. Nonsense. Not only can you win your office pool, but you can dominate. But you need to go into your draft with a strategy.

Are you tired of being the Marian Hossa of your office pool? If so, change your luck this year by following the tips below:

• When faced with a choice between two players with similar talent levels and statistical output, it's generally a good idea to lean towards the one whose team qualified for the post-season.
  
  
• Joe Thornton, Patrick Marleau and Dany Heatley would all make for excellent first-round selections in playoff pools that don't count stats such as goals and assists.
  
  
• You should absolutely feel free to draft players from the Eastern Conference once all the players from the good teams are gone.
  
  
• The Phoenix Coyotes finished with 107 points. It might be a good idea to Google them to see if you can figure out the names of some of their players.
  
  
• If there are fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs taking part in your draft, remember to build in some extra time at the start for explaining what "playoffs" means.
  
  
• Before picking Chris Phillips, double-check your rules to make sure your pool doesn't only count playoff goals scored against the other team.
  
  
• Avalanche goalie Craig Anderson probably won't get you many wins or shutouts. But if your pool has a category for "Having the same haircut as Friar Tuck from Rocket Robin Hood"... well then, ka-ching!
  
  
• Wherever possible, load up on players from the two highest scoring teams: The Washington Capitals, and whoever is playing against the Washington Capitals.
  
  
• Yes, it will be tempting to pick Ryan Miller based on his MVP-calibre season. But don't forget that he plays in Buffalo, so something horrible is going to happen to him.
  
  
• Many "experts" will tell you to avoid Russian players, since as Europeans they don't care about the Stanley Cup as much as North Americans and won't be willing to do the hard work it takes to win one. This is nonsense. Russia is technically part of Asia.
  
  
• Office pools with coworkers are lots of fun. But remember, if you work in the newspaper industry be sure to get everyone's money in advance in case your paper goes out of business before June.
  
  
• When doing projections for Philadelphia Flyers forwards, remember to factor in the fact that they'll all probably be forced to play goalie at some point.
  
  
• Wherever possible, focus on players that appear to be well-rested. For example, savvy veteran Matt Cooke recently took a refreshing ten-minute nap in the middle of a game.

Where will Kovalchuk end up? The pros and cons

The Leafs got a firsthand look at pending UFA Ilya Kovalchuk on Tuesday night. And, like just about everyone else who's ever watched the guy, they had to have come away impressed.

Kovalchuk is shaping up to the big story of the season, as all indications are that he'll be moved at the trade deadline. Reports say that the Russian superstar is demanding a ten-year deal worth over $100 million. Countless rumors have linked him with various teams, either a rental or as a long-term destination.

Where will he wind up? And more importantly, what would be the best fit? It's a tough call, but I want to help figure it out.

Here are ten teams that have been linked to Kovalchuk recently, along with the pros and cons of each.

Washington Capitals
Many speculate that the Caps have the right parts to make a deal work, putting Kovalchuk and Alexander Ovechkin on the same line.

Pro: Would have plenty of down time during the post-season, since all four of the team's playoff series would be over in four games.
Con: Would run the risk of shoulder injuries due to raising arms in celebration of a goal after every single shift.


Montreal Canadiens
Bob Gainey may be looking to shake things up prior to his April firing.

Pro: What highly skilled offensive dynamo wouldn't jump at a chance to play for Jacques Martin?
Con: The team wouldn't actually have room on the roster to add him unless they cut somebody like Georges Laraque, which given recent world events they would of course never do.


Vancouver Canucks
Bring in a European star as a mid-season rental? That's practically guaranteed to work!

Pro: City is home to the upcoming Winter Olympics, meaning Kovalchuk wouldn't have to bother with the hassle and expense of arranging for shipping of his silver medal.
Con: He could have trouble fitting into the dressing room. Literally. Wellwood's off his diet.


Buffalo Sabres
Could the first-place Sabres be looking to make a big splash with a post-season rental?

Pro: Once the summer arrived, he could engage in the most popular activity among Buffalo residents: getting the hell out of the city and never returning.
Con: His arrival would likely be lost amid the overwhelming city-wide euphoria that's accompanied the hiring of Chan Gailey.


Los Angeles Kings
The Kings are young, talented, and may be on the hunt for a franchise player.

Pro: After ten years in Atlanta, it might be a nice break to move to a city where there's not as much interest in hockey.
Con: As the most talented and charismatic King since Wayne Gretzky, would run risk of being pressured into making a really terrible SNL hosting appearance.


Toronto Maple Leafs
Eklund says Burkie's definitely going to land him. Despite that fact, it's still technically possible that he could.

Pro: Certainly wouldn't have to worry about having his thunder stolen by some hotshot young draft pick.
Con: Rumored demands for a ten-year deal may not allow sufficient time for the team to return to the playoffs.


Calgary Flames
Fun fact: 50% of Alberta-based teams are capable of trading for star players.

Pro: Flashy Russians who don't backcheck just scream "Sutter guy".
Con: No way to tell in advance whether this is the particular year this decade when the Flames will go past the first round.


Boston Bruins
The team is a legitimate Cup contender, yet also has a lottery draft pick to trade. Wait, that can't be right.

Pro: Would be well-positioned to follow the traditional path to glory of a Boston star: produce a decade of unrivaled excellence, develop into a respected veteran leader, become a pillar of the local community, and finally demand a trade to a better team that has an actual chance at winning the Cup.
Con: Probably wouldn't have any chemistry with Marc Savard.


New York Islanders
Larry Brooks of the NY Post swears they're in the mix.

Pro: Kovalchuk could make an excellent mentor for John Tavares, helping him through the pressure of being a #1 overall pick on a team that won't win a playoff game for the next decade.
Con: Signing an enigmatic Russian superstar to a ten-year deal makes the front office all nervous for some reason.


Atlanta Thrashers
Don't forget, Kovalchuk could always decide to resign in Atlanta.

Pro: Would avoid the hassle of selling his house.
Con: Absolutely everything else.

Alexander Ovechkin's other excuses for not lighting up the Maple Leafs

Saturday night's game didn't quite go they way hockey fans were expecting. With Alexander Ovechkin and the Caps in town to play the last-place Leafs, a blowout seemed inevitable. When it was announced that struggling Vesa Toskala would start for Toronto, even the most die-hard Leaf fans was expecting the Caps to hit double digits.

It didn't happen. Instead, Ovechkin managed a goal but was largely shutdown by the Leafs during an upset 2-1 win for the home side.

Adding to the mystery was Ovechkin's bizarre post-game excuse: that he "couldn't breathe" due to the "atmosphere" inside the ACC. Yes, he really did say that.

Well, it gets even stranger. Because as it turns out, the ACC's suffocating atmosphere was only one of several excuses Ovechkin offered for failing to light up the Leafs as expected. Apparently the local papers didn't print them all due to lack of space, but I've reproduced the full list below.

• Had specifically requested his special "too hot to handle" sticks for the game; instead, sticks were only slightly above normal temperature.
  
  
• Entire Caps team was thrown off when, despite the tendencies they had noted during hours of film study, Vesa Toskala occasionally moved.
  
  
• Paid too much attention to the fans in the ACCs' lower bowl, leading him to assume the pre-game moment of silence was still going on three hours later.
  
  
• Was initially intimidated upon learning that the Leafs had spent $24M on their defence; had mistakenly assumed it might include some good players.
  
  
• Found it hard to concentrate after suddenly getting that "Ovechkin-Laichs-Semin" joke.
  
  
• Didn't want to single-handedly humiliate Ron Wilson and Brian Burke with completely unstoppable and dominating performance; saving that for Olympics.
  
  
• Would have scored more, but Jonas Gustavsson kept making sprawling glove saves from the bench.
  
  
• Has been scared to score ever since seeing this.
  
  
• During pre-game chat, Jason Blake assured him that first-line wingers could float through games in Toronto with absolutely no consequences.
  
  
• Hasn't quite adjusted to the NHL's brand new "Alexander Ovechkin can't just go around slewfooting everyone" rule.
  
  
• Had heard a rumor that if the game went to a shootout, entire Leafs roster would embarrass themselves with a ridiculously demeaning attempt at rally caps.
  
  
• Um, pretty much the same reason Lebron James doesn't dunk on the wheelchair basketball guys.

2009-2010 Season Preview: The Southeast Division

As we count down the final days leading up to the 2009-10 regular season, let's take a look at each of the 30 teams with the official DGB Season Preview. Today, we look at the Southeast Division.

Atlanta Thrashers

The good: The team does, in the strictest technical sense, still exist.
The bad: Their plan to finally make it back to the post-season seems to involve building around former Maple Leafs.
Biggest question mark: How will the team react to the absence of Garnett Exelby, which will force them to play with two defencemen in proper position?
Fearless forecast: A frustrated Ilya Kovalchuk decides to stop passing, hang out at the red line instead of playing defence, and take eight-minute shifts, making him the first player to ever play exactly like you do in NHL 10 "Be A Pro" mode.

Washington Capitals

The good: Alexander Ovechkin seems to finally be coming out of his shell, and may even be willing to participate in occasional off-ice promotional activity.
The bad: I entered "Semyon Varlamov" into a Russian-to-English dictionary, and it came back "Steve Penney".
Biggest question mark: Why does every photograph of Mike Green look like it was taken three seconds after somebody woke him up?
Fearless forecast: The Capitals win 50 games, or more than the Nationals, Wizards and Redskins combined.

Florida Panthers

The good: Recently named Bryan McCabe captain.
The bad: Oops, that last one was supposed to be listed under "the bad". I guess Bryan's not the only one who gets confused about which side things are supposed to go in.
Biggest question mark: With Jay Bouwmeester's departure, which veteran will step up and teach the younger players what it takes to miss the playoffs every single year?
Fearless forecast: A guy who looks oddly like Jim Balsillie starts spending a lot of time in South Florida.

Tampa Bay Lightning

The good: Vincent Lecavlier appears poised for the sort of big year the team had in mind when they signed him to an $80M extension.
The bad: That apparently makes him the only person associated with this franchise who has any actual money.
Biggest question mark: Wouldn't it be better if we all just agreed that the lockout actually started in May of 2004?
Fearless forecast: The Montreal Canadiens make an aggressive deadline push to trade for Martin St. Louis in an attempt to add size.

Carolina Hurricanes

The good: Cam Ward's stellar play continues to indicate that he hasn't yet realized that he's Cam Ward.
The bad: While Ric Flair may be a native South Carolinian, having a crazy old white-haired man scream maniacally is really just an uncreative ripoff of Don Cherry.
Biggest question mark: Does Aaron Ward get one free sucker punch on Scott Walker to use whenever he wants? (Answer: Yes.)
Fearless forecast: The free agent signing of Tom Kostopolous forces coach Paul Maurice to slightly modify his famous quote to "There was a lot of purse stealing out there."

Round two scouting reports

A few days ago, we took a look at the NHL's 22 losers that are sitting at home. Now let's turn our attention to the teams that are still alive, with a round two scouting report.

---

Washington Capitals

Strengths:

• Are wisely keeping starting goaltender Jose Theodore extremely well-rested.
  
• Have so much depth that they were somehow able to win a game seven despite absence of Donald Brashear
  
• Intimidating fans are known to loudly questions opposing players' sexuality, which is pretty rich coming from guys who chant "We Want Semin".

Weakness:

• Star player Alexander Ovechkin often spends as much as four of five minutes every period just sitting on bench, doing nothing.

How to beat them:

• Let Ovechkin get a few goals early; hope he tires himself out celebrating.

-- vs. --

Pittsburgh Penguins

Strengths:

• Feature a roster full of excellent young players due to strong scouting, patient coaching, and drafting first overall ten years in a row.
  
• Have drawn inspiration from undisputed locker room leader, the mummified corpse of Gary Roberts.
  
• In the long history of talented players to come out of Russia, Evgeni Malkin will quite possibly go down as the second best one to ever play in this series.

Weakness:

• Extra slippery ice at Mellon Arena sometimes causes team's star players to fall down for no reason at all.

How to beat them:

• Don't punch the crap out of Maxime Talbot, apparently.

---

Carolina Hurricanes

Strengths:

• Coach Paul Maurice has referred to leadership core as "easily the most dedicated group of players I've seen in, oh, three years".
  
• Enjoy unrivaled home ice advantage thanks to savvy fans who save up energy by only remembering that hockey exists once the playoffs start.
  
• Is probably not mathematically impossible for them to win the Cup this year.

Weakness:

• Are still, when you get right down to it, the Hartford Whalers.

How to beat them:

• Employ a goalie who is not so fat that he gets winded at the very end of every close game.

-- vs. --

Boston Bruins

Strengths:

• In recent big games, have been pretty good at remembering how many players you're allowed to have on the ice.
  
• Zdeno Chara able to calmly clear puck from goalmouth scrambles without leaving bench.
  
• Will be feeding off the energy of an entire state full of douchey, bandwagon-jumping sports fans who haven't had a championship to celebrate in like ten whole months

Weakness:

• May be rusty coming off of first-round bye.

How to beat them:

• Remind Tim Thomas that he is, in fact, Tim Thomas.

---

Anaheim Ducks

Strengths:

• Roster was largely assembled by Brian Burke, who is unanimously considered the smartest man alive.
  
• Disorient opponents by annoyingly playing all their home games way later than everyone else.
  
• Virtually every player on roster is an experienced fighter not intimidated by violence, which will come in handy if team bus breaks down on way to arena in Detroit

Weakness:

• It's possible that Ryan Getzlaf may have got some choking loser germs on him while fighting Joe Thornton.

How to beat them:

• Somehow trick them into thinking it's the regular season.
  

-- vs. --

Detroit Red Wings

Strengths:

• Are known for superior conditioning, which will allow players to recover more quickly from Chris Pronger cheapshots.
  
• Are so solid defensively that even terrible goaltender Chris Osgood can win multiple championships for them.
  
• In a pinch, some guy they drafted 200th overall last year will just emerge as a future hall-of-famer.

Weakness:

• Might be getting bored of winning the Stanley Cup by now.

How to beat them:

• Get to overtime of game seven. Let tiny Russian man-child do the rest.
  

---

Chicago Blackhawks

Strengths:

• Winning percentage is significantly higher indoors than out.
  
• Martin Havlat has bought into team's disciplined approach so much that he hardly ever kicks anyone in the groin any more.
  
• Somehow managed to turn an old man dying of cancer into a feel-good story.

Weakness:

• Winning game one of the Flames series 12 seconds into sudden death was a foolish waste of an opportunity to amass valuable overtime experience.

How to beat them:

• Hold all games in a nightclub that checks ID, thus eliminating most of the Hawks best players.
  

-- vs. --

Vancouver Canucks

Strengths:

• Have this guy named Sedin who is so lightning quick that he often sets himself up for one-timers.
  
• Own an excellent record when scoring first, largely because their goalie gets a shutout every game.
  
• Are lead by veteran Mats Sundin, for whom "winning a Stanley Cup" is unquestionably a top ten non-poker-related personal goal.

Weakness:

• Players run slightly higher than average risk of contracting lice due to habit of pulling opponent's hair when getting ass kicked in fight.

How to beat them:

• Hope that Roberto Luongo's wife has a baby three or four times during the series.

Hey Caps fan: Scoreboard

A quick observation from five days spent just outside of Washington, DC...

Total Capitals' logos spotted: zero. Not a one. Not on a fan, not on a bumper sticker, not hanging in a store window. Nothing. Even after Ovechkin's big night on Thursday, the Caps have zero summertime presence around here that I can see.

Total Maple Leafs' logos spotted: about a thousand. That number breaks down like this: one on my infant daughter's shirt, and the rest on ads for The Love Guru. That damn movie is everywhere. We were at the local mall today and its covered floor to ceiling in posters, cutouts and murals, and they all feature the Leafs logo.

Now I'm as big a Leaf fan as there is, but even I have to wonder about that strategy. My gut tells me that if you have a Maple Leafs logo in your movie, and you have Jessica Alba in your movie... you might want to go with a little extra Alba on the posters. Just saying.

Anyways, as best I can tell this is the Leafs first post-season road win in four years. The Ron Wilson era is already paying off.

Capital punishment

The gang over at Pension Plan Puppets have adopted the Washington Capitals as their temporary team.

Here's PPP's reasoning:

We're officially cheering on another team. Yes, I know I wrote an entire post about playoff hate but the consensus has been that you can't hate teams that have not done you any harm. The Leafs have never met in the playoffs, the two teams have never played any big regular season games, and any problems the Leafs have had recently with the Capitals have been self-inflicted.

Now, I like the Caps. Their fans have waited a long time for something to cheer about. They were kind enough to give us Peter Zezel and Bob Rouse, I always liked Dale Hunter, and Alexander Ovechkin is pretty much the coolest guy in the league.

The MCI Center even provided one of my favorite non-Leaf NHL memories. A few years back we were in Washington to visit the in-laws and had a chance to take in a Habs/Caps game. The arena was half-empty, of course, so we were able to pick up cheap tickets in the lower bowl. Halfway through the first period, a pane of glass pops out almost right in front of us and there's a long delay while they try to install a new one.

As we're sitting in the dead quiet arena, we notice a certain well-coifed official is supervising as the replacement pane goes in. My lovely wife suddenly stands up, leans towards the opening, and shouts "Hey Fraser, you jerk, you blew the Gretzky call and ruined my husband's life!"

He skated away -- I'm not sure if he heard her, or just saw a reflective surface somewhere he could gaze into lovingly. But some friendly Caps fans wanted to know the story behind it. After I told them about that game (which takes me about 45 minutes start-to-finish and involves profanity, hand gestures and an improvised Euler diagram), they agreed it was a travesty and bought us beer.

So I'll always have a soft spot for the Capitals. But I can't do it, PPP. I can't jump on another team's bandwagon, even temporarily. I'll watch. Maybe even cheer. But I won't call the Caps my team. I'm a Leafs fan and a Leafs fan only until the day I die (which will be this summer, by the way, of self-inflicted head wounds when we don't get Brian Burke).

Bottom line: I can't have a second-favorite team any more than I can have a second-favorite wife.

(Which, after double-checking, I'm told I definitely can't do.)