Monday, May 17, 2010

Boston Bruins excuses

Everyone agreed his Marc Savard
impression was bang-on.
The Boston Bruins' recent loss to the Flyers has earned them a special place in history. By blowing a 3-0 lead in both the series and the decisive game seven, the Bruins have laid a legitimate claim to the title of the NHL's all-time greatest collapse -- and maybe even in all of sports.

What went wrong? Plenty, as it turns out. And since there's no question that devastated Bruins fans deserve an explanation, I set out to determine what happened. After several days of in-depth interviews with Bruins players and staff, I think I have a pretty good handle on why the Bruins fell apart the way they did.

And to be honest, after compiling this list I'm not sure I can blame them.
  • Probably shouldn't have believed Daniel Carcillo when he swore to us that conference semifinal series were best-of-five.

  • We were hoping to draw energy from home crowd, but instead they spent the entire game sitting in silence waiting for Bill Simmons to tell them what to chant.

  • Were getting tired of seeing lazy media and bloggers refer to every blown second-period lead as an "epic collapse"; wanted to remind everyone what that phrase really means.

  • Tricky Flyers play totally different indoors.

  • Just weren't able to shut down opposition scorers during the four minutes a night that Zdeno Chara isn't on the ice.

  • Some fans from Buffalo coughed on us in round one; may have picked up that "inevitable devastating soul-crushing defeat" virus that everyone in that city seems to have.

  • Claude Julien would like to someday pursue a career in television, and blowing a game seven with an inexcusable too-many-men penalty seems to be a great way to do that.

  • Didn't know how best to attack Flyers net, thanks to lazy scouts who only filed reports on the top ten goalies on the depth chart.

  • Figured we could get away with it, since Boston sports fans aren't the type of people who would witness a a 3-0 series comeback and then go on and on about it non-stop for years until everyone else in the sports world wanted to set them on fire.

  • It's probably wishful thinking, but can't help but wonder if having some sort of dynamic 22-year-old sniper on the first line would have come in handy.

  • Younger players were distracted by the excitement of seeing Sea Bass from "Dumb and Dumber" wandering around the pressbox.

  • Yeah, like you'd want to be anywhere near Montreal these days.

  • Every time coach Julien tried to give a firey speech about how the Bruins franchise demands excellence from all players at all times, everyone would get distracted by Tim Thomas sitting at the back of the room noisily eating a bag of $100 bills.

  • In hindsight, the "What Would Lebron Do?" bracelets may have been a mistake.




35 comments:

  1. Still got your draft pick.

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  2. Great work as usual DGB

    @anonymous Bravo sir, GREAT comeback. I mean that is some originality there

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  3. "Anonymous said...
    Still got your draft pick."
    I think that's called the Hail Mary of "we're seriously f--ked". It appears to be one of many, many things the Bruins are going to need. A goalie who doesn't crumble in the post-season might be one.

    Beautiful work, DGB.

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  4. Remember when you proclaimed the Penguins meeting the Habs in the 2nd round was like a running back breaking from a tackle to look up and see open field?

    Bet you still feel pretty stupid for that one.

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  5. @Anonymous ...

    Not at all. The very first thing they teach you in journalism school is "How to be completely wrong about something and then pretend you never wrote it a few days later".

    I got an A+ in that course.

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  6. I think my favorites are the buffalo virus, bill simmons, and Tim Thomas eating a bag of $100 dollar bills.

    Bravo. Here's hoping the bruins puck daddy eulogy is half as good.

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  7. "Anonymous said...
    Still got your draft pick."

    And it's not like the Bruins ever screw that up.

    http://www.hockeydb.com/ihdb/draft/teams/dr000032.html

    Errr, never mind. Lars Jonsson rules!

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  8. As a Bruins fan, I'm obviously thrown, upset, etc., etc. But the image of Tim Thomas eating a bag of $100 bills as a reason they lost is the best reason I've heard.

    Good work, DGB.

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  9. what would lebron do braclets... brilliant...

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  10. Claude Julien would like to someday pursue a career in television, and blowing a game seven with an inexcusable too-many-men penalty seems to be a great way to do that.

    This deserves more love.

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  11. How many Bruins do you think woke up on Saturday and thought - even for the smallest fraction of a second - "was it just a bad dream?!?"

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  12. The Tim Thomas one is the best by far.

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  13. That picture pretty much says it all.

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  14. I am a lifelong Habs fan but you are pretty funny. Top ten goalies in the depth chart is hilarious.

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  15. the Cherry reference is an under appreciated gem, but the Timmy eating $100s is just hilarious.

    this was much better then the PD Bruins eulogy

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  16. "Figured we could get away with it, since Boston sports fans aren't the type of people who would witness a a 3-0 series comeback and then go on and on about it non-stop for years until everyone else in the sports world wanted to set them on fire."

    Boston-fans or Philly-fans?

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  17. The talent of this "journalist" is more absent than the Bruins were in games 4 through 7.

    Feel the disappointment beantown? Thats what a Buffalo sports fan feels EVERY SEASON.

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  18. Hockeenight pointed this out before: The last time Boston traded for the second pick in a draft? Len Bias.

    So having the second pick isn't going to do you much good if you blow it.

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  19. "# In hindsight, the "What Would Lebron Do?" bracelets may have been a mistake."

    /Slow Clap

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  20. "...everyone would get distracted by Tim Thomas sitting at the back of the room noisily eating a bag of $100 bills."

    It's funny because it's true. *sigh*

    www.daysofyorr.com

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  21. OMG Funny
    though I do find the picture offensive

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  22. Fantastic work.

    Hard to blame Boston... I wouldn't want to be near Montreal right now either, man those people there will burn ANYTHING!

    Better to let the Flyers and their fans deal with it, they're crazy enough to say "Pffft, a little fire don't scare us!"

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  23. @cferneyh

    I think the oddest thing I saw on that Bruins draft history page was the fact they drafted a guy named Wacey Rabbit.

    I wonder which of Roger's cousins he is.

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  24. wait, no joe thornton reference anywhere in this? has the day finally come?!?!?!

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  25. This would be much funnier if it didn't come from a bitter Leafs fan. That being said, the too many men/Don Cherry reference was hilarious.

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  26. Nice. I for one am looking forward to Claude Julien's outfits. I think I laughed hardest at the journalism school retort, though!

    @Tom Servo -- Saw Wacey Rabbit a few times this year w/the Milwaukee Admirals (Predators affiliate), I'm never not going to giggle at that name.

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  27. @Fresco

    One abbreviated word: Dave 'effin Roberts.

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  28. @Scotty Hockey ...

    "This would be much funnier if it didn't come from a bitter Leafs fan."

    Wrong blog.

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  29. Archbishop KrejciMay 19, 2010 at 3:55 PM

    Bruins Season Ticket Holder here. Well played sir. Well played.

    Though please don't confuse Bruins fans with Celtics fans. That's worse than blowing a 3-0 series lead.

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  30. Bad collapse, but NOT EVEN CLOSE to the worst in sports of all time. We have had many worse losses in just Boston. This team was not good enough to be able to say it was the worst ever.

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  31. And that comment about Bergeron next to the picture...not cool. He almost got killed from that cheap shot.

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  32. The picture of Patrice Bergeron lying on the ice unconscious is hilarious!

    Real classy DGB, real classy.

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  33. Bruins GM is to be blamed. Andrew Raycroft would have never allowed such a slide on Playoff round 2.

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