Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The archive: all of Fake Brian Burke's tweets

As part of winding down the fake Brian Burke twitter account, I'll eventually be removing the tweets from the account page. Rather than have them disappear forever, I'll preserve them here.

Here's the full list, in chronological order, of the parody tweets from the parody Brian Burke account, which was a parody. By reading them (or, in the case of hockeybuzz subscribers, having them read to you), you acknowledge that you understand that it was all a joke and that the real Brian Burke never said any of these things. You further agree that in the event that the real Brian Burke ever finds me, you will help pay for my legal and/or hospital bills.

(Side note: I'm trying to come up with something else I could do on twitter that would be as much fun as this was, without all the headaches behind the scenes. If I do, I'll let folks know via a tweet on the Burke account. But I promise won't start spamming Burke followers with blog links or other stuff that you're not interested in.)

I've added notes for a few entries that don't make sense out of context, and just for fun I've bolded the ten lines that were my personal favorites.

Finally going to have a chance to spend some time looking at this roster in-depth.
1:21 PM Jan 26th

Hmmm... not really much to work with, is there?
2:23 PM Jan 26th

Wait, what's an "NTC"? And does every one of these guys seem to have one?
8:36 PM Jan 26th

Oh well, I love a challenge! Ha ha!
11:24 AM Jan 27th

No, seriously, was the last full-time GM an idiot or something?
11:37 AM Jan 27th
(This was originally going to be the end of the joke. But when a few people followed, I figured I'd do one or two more.)

Cliff Fletcher just told me a story about how he used to wear an onion on his belt.
1:23 PM Jan 27th

Just ordered Nonis to go trade for Luongo again. That's one problem solved.
2:44 PM Jan 27th

Office hockey pool update: Richard Peddie still in last place.
4:35 PM Jan 27th

In the press box in Minnesota. Just noticed that every time Cliff Fletcher walks by, Doug Risebrough instinctively covers his bumhole.
8:08 PM Jan 27th

Just wondering: if Mayers or May fight Derek Boogard, do they come off the salary cap right away or do we have to wait for the funeral?
9:21 PM Jan 27th

Brian Murray called to talk trade, but he kept using this obviously fake lisp so I hung up on him.
10:03 AM Jan 28th

Just found a copy of Jason Blake's contract that says he still has three years left. Must be a typo.
8:04 PM Jan 28th

Found out the guy who works at the sandwich counter in the lunchroom is European. Fired him.
10:17 AM Jan 29th

Howard Berger has been walking around with scrambled egg in his moustache all day. Should I tell him?
4:11 PM Jan 29th

Post-game thoughts: Andrew Raycroft has gotten a lot better since he was here.
12:07 AM Jan 30th
(This was after Raycroft gave up seven goals to the Leafs.)

Kaberle made me give him my word that I won't trade him if he wants to stay. Damn. Now that means I'll have to kill him.
10:37 AM Jan 30th

Got stuck behind Damien Cox at the bank machine. In case you're wondering, his PIN is "1967".
4:05 PM Jan 30th

Doug Gilmour night tonight. Some day soon, we'll hang Mats Sundin from the rafters too. Not his number. Him.
10:46 AM Jan 31st

Breaking news: Kaberle has a broken hand from the Colorado game. I *told* the guys not to high-five after every goal Raycroft gives up.
2:04 PM Jan 31st

After the game, the Pens called and offered Crosby and Malkin for Schenn. Told them to call back when they were willing to offer fair value.
2:39 PM Feb 1st

I wonder if I should apply for the Senators' head coaching vacancy? Nah. I'll just wait a few weeks for the next one.
8:28 PM Feb 2nd

Ran into Eklund last night. He kept grilling me about trades and rumors. Finally I just paid him for the pizza and slammed the door.
3:07 PM Feb 3rd

Nice to Bryan McCabe back to doing what he does best: Scoring into the Leafs net during overtime.
1:04 PM Feb 4th

After tonight's effort, I'm ready to pull the trigger. Not on a trade. On a gun.
10:11 PM Feb 4th

Trying to work a deal, but other GMs keep asking for something completely unreasonable: NHL-calibre players.
5:39 PM Feb 6th

Toskala doesn't work hard enough in practice. Then again, neither does any goalie who faces our forwards.
2:02 PM Feb 7th

@SedinTwinsAgent... OK, you've got a deal. But remember we have to keep this a secret until July 1.
4:01 PM Feb 8th

Wishing a happy one-year anniversary to my favorite Leafs blog:
11:15 AM Feb 9th

Just to clarify: When I said Antropov needs a "change of scenery", I didn't mean trading him. I meant trading every one of his teammates.
10:12 PM Feb 9th

The only untouchable on this roster is Mike Van Ryn. Because if you touch him, he goes on the injured list.
3:33 PM Feb 10th

In hindsight, my motivational pre-game locker room speech to "get out there and play a full 50 minutes" may have been a mistake.
9:48 AM Feb 11th

In Tampa. Working on sending Jeremy Williams to the sharks. Which is to say I'm going to invite him out water skiing, and cut the rope.
12:24 PM Feb 12th
(Seems like a good time for a reminder: there were people in the media who thought it was worth contacting Brian Burke to ask if these tweets were real.)

@johnfergusonjr: Welcome to Twitter. I didn't know you could access this site on a Leapfrog.
1:27 PM Feb 12th

@BobGainey: You want new blood in the dressing room? Do what I do: randomly sucker punch a player while he's tying his skates.
8:13 PM Feb 12th in reply to BobGainey

Congratulated Stempniak on scoring in his first game as a Leaf. He said he's actually been here for three months. First I've heard of it.
9:27 AM Feb 13th

Leaving Florida, but we'll be back in mid-March. And by "we", I mean me, the coaches, and about four players.
2:40 PM Feb 13th

The Blake/Grabovksi fight resulted in a serious head injury. To me, after I slammed my head in a door after watching that girlish slap-fest.
8:41 AM Feb 14th

@johnfergusonjr : Hey moron, you really screwed up on the Jason Blake contract. It's *way* too short.
2:27 PM Feb 15th in reply to johnfergusonjr

@BobGainey: Mathieu Schneider? Any relation to the guy who played for the Habs when they last won a Cup? Like his grandson or something?
6:18 PM Feb 16th

Looking forward to a rocking pro-Leaf crowd for tonight's game against the Sabres. Oh wait, the game's not in Buffalo.
1:45 PM Feb 17th

Thinking about following Gainey's lead and telling the underachievers to just stay home. Would we be allowed to only dress Schenn next game?
10:42 PM Feb 17th

@JasonBlake: You know, there are some really nice tanning salons in Toronto. Even an hour or two a week can work wonders. Just saying.
11:49 AM Feb 18th

Tomas Kaberle and I are working together on his trade deadline options. He gave me a list of 10 teams. I gave him back a list of 20 more.
2:37 PM Feb 18th

Really looking forward to the Blue Jackets coming to town. We can show Rick Nash where his locker will be in 2010.
10:28 AM Feb 19th

Can we just pull our goalie for an extra attacker during the shootout?
10:29 PM Feb 19th

@BobGainey: I used to be a lawyer. Let me know how I can help.
11:25 PM Feb 19th in reply to BobGainey

Just saw who we're playing next. Note to self: Stop by Home Depot, pick up torches, pitchforks.
10:38 AM Feb 20th
(The Canucks, of course...)

Can't believe how Vancouver fans have embraced Mats Sundin. As if Toronto fans would ever welcome some ex-Canuck reject as their saviour.
12:38 PM Feb 20th

@BryanMurray: Next time you want to trade a first round pick for a bag of crap, give me a call. I have several bags available.
5:11 PM Feb 20th in reply to BryanMurray

Just saw Sundin at the Toronto airport, waiting in line for the shuttle bus. Guess he doesn't believe in rentals.
8:00 PM Feb 20th

Just ran into Kyle Wellwood arriving at the ACC. He seemed kind of depressed. Told him to keep his chins up.
1:37 PM Feb 21st

They're not booing. They're saying "October through Juuuuuuuuuunnne".
7:57 PM Feb 21st

Returns are tough. Sundin looks like he has butterflies in his stomach tonight. Wellwood just looks like he has butter in his stomach.
8:17 PM Feb 21st

That Battle of Alberta game last night was great. I wish there was a second NHL team in Ontario for us to play against.
10:51 AM Feb 22nd

Wade Redden looks disinterested, worn down and flat out terrible against the Leafs tonight. Or, as he calls it, "playoff form".
9:58 PM Feb 22nd

Dave Shoalts is outraged that someone would fraudulently pass themselves off as a Leafs GM. Where was he when JFJ did it for four years?
11:22 AM Feb 23rd
(This one came afer Shoalts and Eklund discovered the Burke account and summoned up their fake outrage.)

Is every coach who loses to us this season going to be fired? Because that could end up being as many as four or five more guys.
12:57 PM Feb 23rd

Shoalts and Eklund working on their next scoop: Carlton the Bear, actual polar bear wandering the ACC or just a fraud in a bear suit?
3:29 PM Feb 23rd

Kubina says he won't give me a list of teams he'd accept a trade to. So I gave him a list of apartments in Edmonton with vacancies in June.
10:16 AM Feb 24th

Was in town to scout the Wild last night. Then realized that would involve actually watching an entire Minnesota Wild game. Went home.
12:10 PM Feb 25th

I promised Mark Bell I'd put him on waivers to give him a shot at playing for an NHL team. He was just claimed by the Rangers. Close enough.
3:37 PM Feb 25th

Leafs vs. Islanders. The good news is there will be one NHL-calibre goalie in the building tonight. The bad news is it will be Garth Snow.
2:47 PM Feb 26th

Still trying to figure out how not being allowed to dress Brendan Witt is considered punishment for the Islanders.
8:40 AM Feb 28th

The Toronto Maple Leafs: Utterly and completely unbeatable when the season is already a writeoff since 2006.
12:45 PM Mar 1st

Thinking about a Chris Pronger deal. Just imagine the mentorship possibilities with Luke Schenn. Chris could learn so much from him.
9:25 PM Mar 1st

Crazy times. I've been on the phone non-stop for a week. At some point I might take a break from the media and actually call another GM.
10:24 AM Mar 2nd

Anyone know of any moving van companies that offer a volume discount?
5:28 PM Mar 2nd

Just sent every NHL GM a box of fortune cookies with a fortune that reads "You are falling in love with Nik Antropov".
9:46 AM Mar 3rd
(One of my favorite, but I don't think anyone else got it. Background is here.)

Doing my homework on Boston Bruins prospects. This Rask kid looks amazing. Why don't we ever draft guys like that?
5:07 PM Mar 3rd

Told Kaberle we'd move him last night. Thanked him for his service and gave him a firm handshake. In hindsight, it might have been too firm.
9:29 AM Mar 4th
(Kaberle was sidelined with a broken hand the day before the deadline.)

Was excited to see Fletcher and Nonis on the phone all morning. Just realized they were talking to each other. Guys, you sit ten feet apart!
11:20 AM Mar 4th

Just got back from a Tim Hortons run. Why are all the other front office guys crowded around the waiver wire machine, trying not to laugh?
12:18 PM Mar 4th

Just realized I had the ringer on my phone set to 'silent' all day. Oops. Hope I didn't miss any calls.
2:10 PM Mar 4th

I didn't make as many deals as I'd hoped today. Oh well. There's always tomorrow, right?
3:25 PM Mar 4th

Having the maintenance guys re-enforce the twine in the nets and put new bulbs in the goal lights. Welcome to the Martin Gerber era!
2:16 PM Mar 5th

Hosting the Oilers. Looking forward to a chance to see my old friend Kevin Lowe. In fact, I think I may wait for him in the parking lot.
5:46 PM Mar 7th

In Ottawa. Senator fans are planning to boo Gerber all night long. Luckily, as usual there will only be ten of them in the entire building.
11:05 AM Mar 9th

Congratulations to Cory Clouston on becoming the longest serving head coach in Senators history.
8:56 AM Mar 10th

Ron Wilson vs. Howard Berger in a battle of wits? Well, at least a Maple Leaf will win one fight this year.
11:25 AM Mar 11th
(I should have posted this one in November...)

We won't be starting Kolzig tonight against the Lightning. Should somebody break the news to Bruce Garrioch?
2:59 PM Mar 12th
(A reference to Garrioch's memorable meltdown.)

Apparently Steven Stamkos is from the Toronto area. Interesting. Sure wish the media had mentioned that during last night's game.
11:57 AM Mar 13th

Not sure I agree with Wilson's decision to go for two after the touchdown.
9:39 PM Mar 14th
(After an 8-6 win over the Flames.)

Just talked to Steve Simmons. He actually says "dot dot dot" between each sentence.
2:54 PM Mar 15th

In Tampa Bay. Since when is Rick Tocchet so cranky? All I did was ask him for some help filling out my March Madness brackets.
10:10 AM Mar 17th

Lots of Toronto fans on March Break at tonight's game. We gave them just what they've come to expect: an embarassing loss by the home team.
10:40 PM Mar 17th

Ran into Jay Bouwmeester. Very patriotic young man. Told him I'd be calling to wish him a happy Canada Day on July 1 at exactly 12:01.
1:31 PM Mar 19th

Told the team to embrace the role of "spoiler". They've responded by telling playoff contenders the endings of movies they haven't seen yet.
6:24 PM Mar 21st

Nice win, but let's not get too excited. This time of year, anyone can beat up on a team with absolutely no playoff hopes.
10:33 AM Mar 22nd
(After a win over the Habs.)

Updating my address book. @BobGainey, will you still have the same e-mail when you're fired five minutes after the regular season ends?
10:16 PM Mar 22nd

Rumors that the Habs may be for sale. I'll ask Mikhail Grabovski, since based on the past few games he apparently owns them.
8:26 AM Mar 24th

Oh, so now you can be suspended for a girlish shove and a weak wrist shot that misses by 30 feet? We may not be able to dress a full team.
1:03 PM Mar 25th
(After Gerber's meltdown...)

Curtis Joseph is Mr. Consistent. He's given us eight or nine saves and six solid minutes in every game he's played this year.
11:43 AM Mar 26th

For the last time, Darcy Regier, I don't care if you kept the receipt for Dominic Moore. No refunds!
8:55 PM Mar 27th

In honor of Earth Hour, the Leafs and Bruins will be turning off our defence and goaltending for 60 minutes tonight.
8:32 PM Mar 28th

Pogge was so upset after last night's game that he threw himself in front of my car - but it went through his legs! So I backed over him.
2:55 PM Mar 29th
(I'd been waiting to use this line for four weeks. I was probably the one Leaf fan cursing them for a string of solid goaltending.)

The end of the fake Brian Burke twitter account:
11:30 AM Mar 31st from web


  1. I'm going to miss it. Like many others, this was the sole reason for me joining Twitter in the first place. So, thanks for ending it, at least I don't have to continue with that. And thanks for archiving it.

    Great job like always.

  2. Thanx, DGB. I came very late to the party but you can smile know that I was laughing myself sick reading the entire file. The King is dead- long live the King.

  3. New Mo(u)rning Routine:

    1. Get coffee
    2. Get another coffee
    3. Weep at latest Leafs news
    4. Read compiled Tweets of "Brian Burke"
    5. Get Tylenol for pain in stomach

    God that was a great ride. Someday maybe the team on the ice will have as memorable of a run. And someday Shoalts will call Burke to confirm that it's him in charge.

  4. I'm going to miss reading this Twitter account. Great stuff and always good for a laugh.

  5. This was great stuff man - it will be missed...

  6. Curtis Joseph is Mr. Consistent. He's given us eight or nine saves and six solid minutes in every game he's played this year.


  7. I'm going to Miss it. I may never look at twiiter again. thanks for the laughs.

  8. Wade Redden looks disinterested, worn down and flat out terrible against the Leafs tonight. Or, as he calls it, "playoff form".
    9:58 PM Feb 22nd

    Best line ever.

  9. Just in case the genuine Brian Burke stumbles across this site: "You suck, Fathead."

  10. What a run it was. Still far and away the best parody Twitter out there. I don't know if it can be beat.

    Part of that is that he's such a perfect personality to parody in short, biting quips. And then the other part is you freaking executed it to perfection. Jesus, how I laughed.

    Well done, good sir. I'm gonna miss it.

  11. This was the reason to look at twitter. The PTI discussions may not be enough to keep my interest... I will continue to hope that perhaps next october, you resume the trash talking. Thanks for the laughs and we'll miss you.

  12. "Just ran into Kyle Wellwood arriving at the ACC. He seemed kind of depressed. Told him to keep his chins up."

    My favorite

  13. These were all so great. Bummed that it has to end.

    "Toskala doesn't work hard enough in practice. Then again, neither does any goalie who faces our forwards."


  14. you are the undisputed King of Leaf Bloggers. Thanks for the laughs!

  15. DGB, you're making me laugh so much that I'm going to have six-pack abs before the week is over. (Perhaps Wellwood should read this blog too...)

  16. Could we bring this back? Please? :D

  17. hey dgb you should make a fake account on
    new site that allows tracking of purchases... say brian burkes?

  18. "@johnfergusonjr: Welcome to Twitter. I didn't know you could access this site on a Leapfrog."