Grab bag: A moment in time

In the Friday Grab Bag:
- The NHL were the big winners in the concussion settlement. So why does it feel like we all lost?
- A new rule we need to see for penalty shot calls
- An obscure player with a knack for finding terrible teams
- The week's three comedy stars
- And a classic YouTube look back at the legitimately amazing 1987 Edmonton Oilers "Moment in Time" video

>> Read the full post at The Athletic

Grantland: Ranking history's greatest dirtbags

Sabres forward Patrick Kaleta remains suspended this week, ineligible to return to action until next Sunday after his dangerous hit from behind on Brad Richards. The incident led to renewed debate over whether Kaleta now deserves the title of the NHL’s most despicable player.

There’s not exactly a shortage of competition. Whether it’s Matt Cooke, Raffi Torres, or Daniel Carcillo, there are plenty of players these days who can leave fans tearing their hair out. Whether you’d prefer to call them agitators, pests, flat-out dirty, or just stains on the game, chances are you’re not alone in screaming at your TV whenever their smirking faces appear.

But this post isn’t about them. After all, each of today’s NHL villains is simply following in the footsteps of those who came before them. So today, let’s pay tribute to the previous generation. These 10 players may no longer be in the NHL, but their legacies helped lay the groundwork for players like Patrick Kaleta, who make the game what it is today.

>> Read the full post on Grantland

A look through the NHL's injury report

"I haven't seen one of those since I've worked here."
"What, a strained MCL?"
"No, a save."

Maple Leafs' goalie James Reimer was hurt in last night's win over the Flyers. And while early reports are that the injury may not be serious, it does seem to fit an early pattern. Thanks to an unusual offseason and shortened training camp, we were told to expect injuries to play a big role in the season. So far, it looks like the experts were right.

Here's a look at some of the big names that have found themselves on the injured list in the season's first few weeks.

Miikka Kiprusoff - The veteran suffered an injury to his MCL that has team doctors concerned about the possibility that his knee will have to be rebuilt, since nobody in the Flames front office seems to know what that word means.

Joffrey Lupul - Has spent his time recuperating from a broken arm by fielding texts from various NHL goalies asking "Hit by a Dion Phaneuf slapshot? Weird, what's that like?"

Ryan Murray - The second overall pick will miss the rest of the season with a shoulder injury that certainly has nothing to do with this crowbar I'm holding right now, says the smirking league employee in charge of making sure Blue Jackets fans will never be happy ever.

Scott Hartnell - Will miss two months with a broken foot that was diagnosed by team doctors when they noticed he was falling down slightly less often than usual.

Read the rest of this post...

Rejected ideas from the NHL's research and development camp

John Ferguson Jr.'s ice-painting career was
the most successful hockey job he ever had.

Various changes to the rules, arena and equipment will be on the agenda this week when the NHL holds its Research, Development and Orientation (RDO) Camp under the watchful eye of league senior vice president Brendan Shanahan.

First held in 2005 and re-introduced as an annual event last year, the RDO camp gives the league's hockey operations department an opportunity to test changes during live game scenarios. Some of those changes will become permanent, while most will provide a few hours' worth of raised eyebrows before being forgotten.

But while the final schedule of planned experiments has been widely reported, it turns out the original list was slightly different. I've come into possession of a top-secret league memo addressed to Shanahan that outlines some additional proposals that apparently didn't quite make the final cut.

***

B-Shan…

Below please find a list of rules I'd like to see tested at the upcoming RDO camp. Some of these came from folks I've been talking to around the league, and others are my own ideas. I know you're working on your own list, so it's your call on which ones you go with in the end.

And of course, if you think any of my ideas are so good they should skip the RDO altogether and just go straight into the rulebook, that's fine too. I can totally make that happen.

Your pal,
Gary

• To cut down on premeditated "payback" brawls, refuse to allow players to fight after a faceoff unless they can produce a handwritten permission note from Mario Lemieux.
  
  
• Comprehensively test the new headshot rules, and then survey the players afterwards to see if they feel like they understand them; if any of them do, back to the drawing board.
  
  
• Consider banning any music from being played inside the arena at any time, because it might interrupt your neighbour's precious beauty sleep and then they'll call the cops on you. (Idea suggested by Sean Avery.)
  
  
• Remove the trapezoid behind the net in an effort to increase/decrease whatever it is that having a trapezoid behind the net was supposed to decrease/increase in the first place.
  

Read the rest of this post...

How to buy out a player: The NHL's handy form

Yashin always wore a turtle-neck. Or, as
hockey players call it, a Carcillo-neck.

It's the second week of August, which means there's not much news on the NHL transaction page these days. The blockbuster trades have already been made, free agency has slowed to a crawl, and most teams seem satisfied to wait out the rest of the offseason without making any significant moves.

But there is one exception: With arbitration hearings now wrapped up, some teams now have a second opportunity to buy out unwanted players. This year's buyout periods have already claimed players such as Chris Drury and Colin White. But while fans have become used to the annual news of offseason buyouts, few know the behind-the-scenes process for making them happen.

As it turns out, it's not all that complicated. All a general manager has to do is fill out a simple one-page form, and luckily my spies at the league office were able to provide me with a copy.

***

Dear NHL general manager,

Congratulations on your decision to buy out a player. This process provides an excellent opportunity to correct your past mistakes, or at the very least spread the cap hit out into future seasons when, let's be honest, it will be some other guy's problem.

Please complete the form below and submit it to the league office. Note that the buyout will not be official until the league has approved it, so please refrain from setting the content of the player's locker on fire until then.

Player's first name: _________________
Player's last name: _________________
Player's nickname that you call him publicly: _________________
Player's nicknames that you call him under your breath every time he touches the puck:
_________________
_________________
_________________ (use the back of the application form if you need more room)

The player's current annual cap hit: $ ____________

Wow…. Really?
( ) Sigh
( ) Next question please.

Read the rest of this post...

Take the Quiz: Penalty or dive?

It was then that Ted Leonsis realized the
motivational "Drive For a Championship"
dressing room mural was missing a letter.

This year's postseason is quickly turning into the Year of the Dive. While occasional "embellishment" has always been a hockey fact of life, this year's playoffs have seen players, coaches and media complaining that certain opponents are taking the dramatics too far.

The problem has become so noticeable that the NHL reportedly issued a directive to officials to call more diving penalties. But that move appears to have just created more controversy. On Saturday, Lightning forward Steve Downie was even given a diving penalty on a hit from behind that left him injured and unable to return to the game.

It's all very frustrating. Short of using lie detector tests or hiring a mind reader, how can a fan really tell whether a player was diving?

Luckily, the league is on the case. Working with officials and forensics experts, they've put together this handy quiz for fans watching the game at home. From now on, if you think you may have witnessed a dive you can simply take a few minutes to answer these questions and arrive at a definitive answer:

A player has hit the ice clutching his head after a borderline penalty. Which of the following would make you suspect a dive?
a.) The replay doesn't show any significant contact to an area that would normally cause a player to grab his head, such as a typical player's face or Joe Thornton's ankle.
b.) The player reacts to the "head injury" in a way that no other player ever does, such as actually going to the NHL-mandated quiet room.
c.) The team's media guide mentions that the player's off-season training partners are Peter Forsberg, Sean Avery and Marcel Marceau.
d.) The borderline penalty he was reacting to was a delay of game call for shooting the puck over the glass.

A high stick appears to make contact with a player's face. After he recovers from the initial contact, you can see that the player is:
a.) Visibly shaken by the impact.
b.) Wiping away what appears to be blood.
c.) Wiping away what appears to be blood, while holding a handful of empty ketchup packets.
d.) Nonchalantly performing his own root canal on the bench in between shifts (Martin St. Louis only).

Read the rest of this post...

An NHL fan's guide to booing

I have no idea who this kid is, but I
guarantee that by now he has a blog.

Brian Burke made headlines in Toronto this week with a verbal attack aimed at Maple Leaf fans. After new captain Dion Phaneuf appeared to be booed by a small group of fans during Saturday's game, Burke held court with media to blast the response as "disgraceful".

Burke highlights a classic dilemma. Is it ever OK for a fan to boo? If so, when? And at who? It's a confusing issue, with different standards depending on who you talk to.

I think it's time to start working towards some guidelines. I can't claim to have all the answers, but here are some suggestions to get the discussion started.

Current players
Booing of a current player is controversial. On the one hand, you've just paid hundreds of dollars to watch a multi-millionaire play a game and you may feel like you have a right to express your opinion. On the other hand, booing can make players feel sad, and sad players are less likely to do fun things like crosscheck each other in the larynx.

Here are some do's and don't to help you decide who to boo.

DO: Boo the player at an appropriate time, such as when they have possession of the puck.
DO NOT: Boo the player at an inappropriate time, such as when they're dropping their children off at daycare.

DO NOT: Boo your new captain who has only had the "C" for ten games.
DO: Wait until he's played a more reasonable number, like 11.

DO: Boo players who may be struggling due to a lack of conditioning.
DO NOT: Suffer any cognitive dissonance over doing so while face-mashing your fourth hot dog of the period.

Opposing players
While booing a home team player may be frowned upon, it goes without saying that opposing players are held to a different standard. That said, you can't just boo every player who comes into your building. Standards are important.

In general, players targeted for booing should be star players who have committed an unforgivable sin against your favourite team, such as throwing a body check or scoring a goal or playing reasonably well. In addition, the following players can be booed at all times:

• Sean Avery
  
• Daniel Carcillo
  
• Daniel Alfredsson, but only when playing in a building packed with Leaf fans, such as in Toronto or Ottawa
  
• Chris Pronger
  
• Any player who has caused the game to be delayed by paramedics after angering Chris Pronger
  
• Any player who does that "point into the stands and look for a referee after the puck goes over the glass" thing.
  
• Rick Rypien, assuming you have your lawyer on speed dial.

Finally, hockey fans should boo center Mattias Ritola of the Tampa Bay Lightning every time he touches the puck. This isn't really a rule; I just think it would be funny if we all started doing it at once for no reason. If he gets confused and asks what's going on, just yell "You know what you did!" and then boo even louder. Let's make this happen.

Former players
Deciding whether or not to boo a returning former player can be tricky. While there is often lingering resentment over a player's departure, it can seem hypocritical to boo a player who you've spent the last several years cheering for.

Based on my observations of fans around the league, it would appear that booing a returning player is allowed if and only if:

• The player left the team in a trade
  
• The player left the team as a free agent
  
• The player left the team as part of an expansion draft
  
• They refused to waive a no-trade clause
  
• They agreed to waive a no-trade clause
  
• They played well for your team
  
• They played poorly for your team
  
• They are a carbon-based life form

But except for those very specific circumstances, booing a returning former player is never allowed.

Non-players
Of course, players aren't the only participants in an NHL game. Anyone who appears in front of fans is a potential booing target. But should they be?

• Referees and linesmen should not be booed unless they have done something to deserve it, such as step on to the ice.
  
  
• Booing of a national anthem is never acceptable. However, it is appropriate to boo the anthem singer if they are eight minutes into their reinterpretation of The Star Spangled Banner and still haven't got to the part about the rockets and bombs.
  
  
• Finally, it should go without saying that it is never OK to boo the small children who take part in the exhibition games during intermission. Instead, just stick to chanting "Fight! Fight! Fight!"

A hockey fan's guide to the NFL

Hey Peyton, on a scale of one to ten
how popular is the NHL down there?

With the NHL season is still three weeks away, sports fans got a boost this weekend with the return of the NFL. By the beginning of next month, both leagues will be in full swing and often competing head-to-head.

But while the two leagues share a spot on the fall calendar, the similarities often end there. Football and hockey offer up vastly different products, with significant differences in rules, strategy and even terminology. It can all be very confusing for a hockey fan trying to keep tabs on professional football.

In an attempt to simplify things, I've compiled a hockey fan's guide to the NFL. Clip and save this handy list in case you find yourself getting confused in the weeks ahead.

NHL: Delusional Jets fans actually think their team has a chance of returning to Winnipeg.
NFL: Delusional Jets fans actually think their team has a chance of returning to the Super Bowl.

NFL: "Safety" refers to a player who lines up deep in the secondary and is responsible for covering passing plays.
NHL: "Safety" refers the act of not doing anything that might make Zdeno Chara angry.

NFL: Although they realize that it's probably unrealistic given the rate of injury, every player starts the season with the goal of playing in 16 games.
NHL: Rick DiPietro

NHL: Every year, fans can look forward to a gruelling two-month marathon known as "the Stanley Cup playoffs".
NFL: Every year, fans can look forward to a gruelling two-month marathon known as "Brett Favre decides whether or not he wants to play this year".

NFL: A "dime back" refers to a sixth defensive back, who enters the game on likely passing downs.
NHL: A "dime back" refers to what you'd better be ready to give Patrick Kane once he's paid you for his cab ride.

NFL: There are several teams in the southern United States, who regularly play in front of sold out crowds filled with rabid fans with a deep appreciation for the sport.
NHL: There are several teams in the southern United States.

NHL: "Dump and chase" refers to the strategy of shooting the puck deep into the opponent's zone and then attempting to retrieve it.
NFL: "Dump and chase" refers to a typical night in college for Najeh Davenport.

NFL: Teams will occasionally score from up to 60 yards away as the result of a play called "the Hail Mary".
NHL: Teams will occasionally score from up to 60 yards away as the result of a play called "playing against a team that employs Vesa Toskala".

NFL: "First and ten" refers to the down and distance at the start of an offensive drive.
NHL: "First and ten" would be Brian Burke's answer to the question "What kind of draft picks did you give up for Phil Kessel, and how many scouts did you fire afterwards?"

NHL: For decades, opponents of the Montreal Canadiens have been haunted by the ghosts of legendary players of the past.
NFL: For decades, fans of the Oakland Raiders have been haunted by the ghost of owner Al Davis.

NFL: "Bump and run" is a defensive technique that focuses on slowing down the receiver at the line of scrimmage.
NHL: "Bump and run" is Daniel Carcillo's strategy against any player who is tougher than Marion Gaborik.

NHL: John Madden is occasionally photographed cavorting shirtless in the back of a limo.
NFL: Oh good lord let's hope not.

NFL: "The Music City Miracle" refers to a last-second kickoff return that allowed the Tennessee Titans to advance in the playoffs.
NHL: "The Music City Miracle" refers to an Ottawa Senators third-liner managing to marry Carrie Underwood.

NHL: The Toronto Maple Leafs are often called "the Dallas Cowboys of the NHL".
NFL: The Dallas Cowboys are often called "the Toronto Maple Leafs of the NFL" by people who are trying to get Jerry Jones to hang himself.

Things Ron Maclean was thinking as he saved a drowning man

Later, Gary Bettman emphatically
denied that water causes drowning.

A strange and inspiring story out of Philadelphia this afternoon, as Hockey Night in Canada host Ron Maclean apparently saved a man from drowning in the Delaware River.

According to reports, Maclean was having lunch with Don Cherry on a patio when he became aware of the commotion nearby. Maclean apparently sprinted from the table, jumped over a railing, and headed for the water to join in the rescue efforts. It's an amazing story, and one that makes you wonder what was going through his mind during those furious few moments.

Well, wonder no more. Here's a transcript of his actual thoughts.

• Head pounding... Lungs burning... Everything going black... That's it, I can't take any more of Cherry's stories, I'm going to go help those guys down near the river instead.
  
  
• That guy down there was flailing around like crazy, and now he's gone limp. Either a man is drowning, or somebody just lightly brushed up against Daniel Carcillo.
  
  
• Note to self: Come up with a terrible drowning-themed pun to close out tomorrow's Coach's Corner.
  
  
• Oh well, since I'm already wet, I guess I'll swim down to the Gulf and fix that oil leak.
  
  
• Hey, why did the water just rise up and part down the middle ... oh cool, Roy Halladay is here!
  
  
• This would be so much easier if Chris Pronger hadn't stolen all the life jackets.
  
  
• It will be a nice change to read stories in tomorrow's paper that contain the words "NHL" and "desperately fighting to keep his head above water" but not "Tom Hicks".
  
  
• I'll have to remember to thank Maxim Lapierre for those diving lessons.
  
  
• This will be the most heroic thing a hockey broadcaster has done since that time a crazed hostage taker listened to Pierre McGuire talk about Mike Richards for 15 seconds and turned the gun on himself.
  
  
• Quickly sir, grab onto my eyebrow, I'll arch you to safety!
  

Chris Pronger's other jerk moves

And then I told Carcillo:
"No, the moustache looks awesome".

While the Chicago Blackhawks have staked out a 2-0 lead in the Stanley Cup Finals, all anyone seems to want to talk about today is Chris Pronger. The Flyers' defenceman has been accused of poor sportsmanship after shooting a towel at Chicago's Ben Eager and twice stealing the puck after the final buzzer.

Sadly, this sort of behaviour isn't new for Pronger. In fact, throughout his career he's become notorious for a series of incidents in which his actions were inappropriate, unprofessional, and just downright mean.

Here are some of the most memorable:

• Was suspended during the Stanley Cup Finals after delivering a vicious elbow to the head of Ottawa's Dean McAmmond, outraging fans around the world who were really hoping he'd get Chris Neil instead.
  
  
• At 1993 entry draft, rudely stole the spotlight from #1 overall pick Alexandre Daigle by turning out to be like a hundred times better than him.
  
  
• Once got bored during the Vancouver Olympics opening ceremonies, wandered to the backstage area, and cross-checked the guy in charge of making sure all the cauldrons were working in the throat.
  
  
• Has been known to slack off and go up to two full years without single-handedly dragging a team to the Stanley Cup finals.
  
  
• Caused a long delay during a 1998 game when he claimed to suffer a brief cardiac arrest after being hit with a slapshot directly above the heart, as if he has one.
  
  
• Demanded a trade out of Edmonton in 2006, selfishly placing the desires of his wife and children above those of a company that had employed him for almost an entire year.
  
  
• His hilariously sarcastic press conference performance after game one turned out to be a word-for-word recitation of Bill Hicks' Arizona Bay album.
  
  
• Was once suspended eight games for stomping in Ryan Kesler's leg with his skate, which was kind of odd, since it was August and Kesler was napping on a beach at the time.
  
  
• When presented with a seven-year contract offer from the Flyers last year, immediately signed it instead of politely saying "Um, maybe you should go back and re-read the CBA".
  
  
• Knows full well that Flyers could have swept the Bruins, but convinced teammates to spot them a 3-0 series lead "just to mess with them".
  
  
• Once borrowed Riley Cote's copy of Schopenhauer's On the Fourfold Root of the Principle of Sufficient Reason; returned it the next morning all dog-eared.
  
  
• Post-loss ritual: cruise interstate looking for families stranded on the side of the highway with flat tire; pull over; slash other three tires; drive away.
  
  
• During NBC telecasts of Flyers games, constantly leans over to Pierre McGuire and says "I don't think they can hear you, maybe try speaking louder."
  
  
• After every playoff game this year, calls up John Stevens and leaves him a detailed message about how much fun it was.
  
  
• You know when you have to get up early the next day but you can't sleep because some idiot's car alarm is going off all night long right below your window? Yeah, that's him.
  
  
• Walks around the league like he's better than everyone, when in reality he's only better than 97% of them.
  
  
• Immediately demands a trade every time he finds out that Joffrey Lupul has finished unpacking.
  
  
• Lead the Anaheim Ducks to a Stanley Cup after being acquired in a deal with the Oilers, which apparently gave GM Brian Burke the idea that trading two first round picks for a star player is a good idea.
  
  
• Is often rude and uncooperative with members of the media, even those he is currently sleeping with.

Boston Bruins excuses

Everyone agreed his Marc Savard
impression was bang-on.

The Boston Bruins' recent loss to the Flyers has earned them a special place in history. By blowing a 3-0 lead in both the series and the decisive game seven, the Bruins have laid a legitimate claim to the title of the NHL's all-time greatest collapse -- and maybe even in all of sports.

What went wrong? Plenty, as it turns out. And since there's no question that devastated Bruins fans deserve an explanation, I set out to determine what happened. After several days of in-depth interviews with Bruins players and staff, I think I have a pretty good handle on why the Bruins fell apart the way they did.

And to be honest, after compiling this list I'm not sure I can blame them.

• Probably shouldn't have believed Daniel Carcillo when he swore to us that conference semifinal series were best-of-five.
  
  
• We were hoping to draw energy from home crowd, but instead they spent the entire game sitting in silence waiting for Bill Simmons to tell them what to chant.
  
  
• Were getting tired of seeing lazy media and bloggers refer to every blown second-period lead as an "epic collapse"; wanted to remind everyone what that phrase really means.
  
  
• Tricky Flyers play totally different indoors.
  
  
• Just weren't able to shut down opposition scorers during the four minutes a night that Zdeno Chara isn't on the ice.
  
  
• Some fans from Buffalo coughed on us in round one; may have picked up that "inevitable devastating soul-crushing defeat" virus that everyone in that city seems to have.
  
  
• Claude Julien would like to someday pursue a career in television, and blowing a game seven with an inexcusable too-many-men penalty seems to be a great way to do that.
  
  
• Didn't know how best to attack Flyers net, thanks to lazy scouts who only filed reports on the top ten goalies on the depth chart.
  
  
• Figured we could get away with it, since Boston sports fans aren't the type of people who would witness a a 3-0 series comeback and then go on and on about it non-stop for years until everyone else in the sports world wanted to set them on fire.
  
  
• It's probably wishful thinking, but can't help but wonder if having some sort of dynamic 22-year-old sniper on the first line would have come in handy.
  
  
• Younger players were distracted by the excitement of seeing Sea Bass from "Dumb and Dumber" wandering around the pressbox.
  
  
• Yeah, like you'd want to be anywhere near Montreal these days.
  
  
• Every time coach Julien tried to give a firey speech about how the Bruins franchise demands excellence from all players at all times, everyone would get distracted by Tim Thomas sitting at the back of the room noisily eating a bag of $100 bills.
  
  
• In hindsight, the "What Would Lebron Do?" bracelets may have been a mistake.
  

Other Daniel Carcillo lies

"Flyer fans will react rationally to this post
in the comment section. Ha, lied again!"

Tonight's game two of the Flyers/Bruins series included a controversial first period play that saw Daniel Carcillo flop to the ice clutching his head after a Steve Begin hit to his shoulder. Combined with his attempt to draw a high-sticking penalty against the Devils in the first round after being struck in the hand, Carcillo is quickly earning a reputation as one of the league's most notorious fakers.

Now Carcillo is certainly not the league's only diver, and some might argue that he's simply doing his job -- trying to gain an advantage for his team through any means possible. But sadly, these two incidents haven't happened in isolation. League sources have told me that this is actually part of a pattern of habitual dishonesty on Carcillo's part.

A quick review of recent incidents seems to support that. Here are just ten more recent examples of Daniel Carcillo's lies.

• Has described his facial hair as a "child molestor's moustache", when it's actually more of a "child molestor's van dyke".
  
  
• Has been heard referring to the Philadelphia Flyers as "a tough but honorable team with a reputation for playing the game the right way", when in fact that was only true up until March 4, 2009.
  
  
• Upon hearing "Free to Be" during a pre-game warmup in Toronto this year, referred to it as "not the worst song I've ever heard".
  
  
• Told officials that he had been bitten by Marc Savard during a first period scrum tonight; in actuality, Savard has been taking all his meals through a straw since early March.
  
  
• Told the Hockey News his favorite movie was Old School; is actually Fritz Lang's 1922 silent classic Dr. Mabuse der Spieler.
  
  
• Was once overheard describing the Potvin/Hextall fight as "a draw".
  
  
• During a poker game on a team flight, once bet out like he had hit his flush on the river when he totally hadn't.
  
  
• Swore to Scott Hartnell that he had no idea why Jeff Carter's toothbrush kept turning up in his bathroom.
  
  
• During the last few months of the Flyers season, frequently pretended he knew what that backup goalie's name was.
  
  
• When asked tonight by reporters if the Flyers can still win their series against the Bruins, replied "yes".
  

Signs your team is not making it to the second round

Now close your eyes and imagine back
to a time when you were still good.

We're about halfway through the first round of the playoffs, and while nobody has been eliminated yet several teams are starting to emerge as clear favorites. By this time next week, eight teams will be through to the second round.

Of course, that also means that eight teams are going home in the next few days. And it's not hard to figure out which ones, as long as you know the subtle signs to watch for.

Spoiler alert: Don't read any further if you want to be surprised.

• When a reporter asks if the star player's injury is day-to-day or season-ending, the coach replies "yes".
  
  
• Your team looks so small, slow and fragile that fans have been inspired to start a twitter campaign called #ThrowTheSnail.
  
  
• Your Canadian players are already thinking about what kind of injury to fake when Mark Messier calls about the world championships.
  
  
• Your fans' racist blackfaces all include little frowny mouths.
  
  
• The mounting pressure has left your starting goaltender so mentally unstable that he now ends every sentence with an invitation to come chat with him on spiffbox.
  
  
• Daniel Alfredsson just guaranteed that your team is making it to the second round.
  
  
• Around the team, the tension is running so high that Daniel Carcillo has already pretended to get hit in the face with it.
  
  
• At the end of the game, your PA guy announces "Last minute to play in this god-forsaken waste of a season... um, I mean period."
  
  
• Your local golf course has received reports of two weird guys in green spandex dancing next to the first tee.
  
  
• Mike Murphy and Ron Maclean just spent twenty minutes arguing over whether or not your team has demonstrated a distinctive choking motion.
  
  
• Toronto Maple Leaf fans have started describing your season as "incredibly successful".
  
  
• Sidney Crosby has already decided which of your players he won't be shaking hands with.

Welcome to Loser City

The Stanley Cup is every player's ultimate goal. And since the only way to win it is by first earning a spot in the NHL playoffs, the post-season naturally becomes ever player's first and only priority.

Or at least, that's what they tell us. It turns out the players have a little secret: missing the playoffs isn't so bad.

Oh sure, it's going to be frustrating if you're a fiery competitor like Jarome Iginla. Luckily, Jarome has some new teammates this year, and they've let him in on how it really is:

If you don't visit Bloge Salming every day, Daniel Carcillo wins.