Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Things to do now that the NHL season is over

And so another NHL season ends. The 2009-2010 NHL season is officially in the books, thanks to tonight's game that ended with Chicago Blackhawks all skating around with some big silver trophy that I didn't recognize but which seemed to be important.

And if you're a typical hardcore fan who's been watching every game you could since October, you're probably wondering: what the heck am I supposed to do now?

Never fear. Even though it's difficult to pass the time without a hockey game to watch, it's not impossible. There are plenty of useful ways you could spend your off-season. And here's a few ideas just to get you started:

  • Buy an expensive bottle of wine, light a few candles, cook a romantic meal, and eat it alone in the dark after realizing your spouse left you two months ago.

  • Head to library and sign out a collection of the world's greatest sonnets; come home and see if any of them are the right size to prop up that wobbly leg on your bigscreen TV stand.

  • Find a sports bar showing a few different baseball games, settle in, and watch somebody throw a perfect game.

  • Call realtor. Cancel cable. Start packing. (Note: Tomas Kaberle only.)

  • Touch up resume, send it to the Chicago Tribune for upcoming sports editor vacancy.

  • Try to remember the last time you fed your puppy. In unrelated task, attempt to find the source of that awful smell coming from the crawlspace.

  • Try to arrange for a few days off work by requesting vacation time, getting a friend to pick up a few shifts, or criticizing Cito Gaston.

  • Tune in to CNN, find out how they ended up stopping that oil spill you heard about back in April.

  • Figure out the names of the guys in the band that sings that "Chelsea Dagger" song. Find them. Punch them all repeatedly in the face.

  • Hope against hope that, somehow, some other sport will emerge to satisfy your passion for low-scoring games, "Ole Ole" chants, and Europeans flopping around on the ground even though nobody touched them.

  • Find a Leaf fan, ask them what they've been doing for fun since November.

  • Anything you want, but do it quickly -- training camp starts on Monday.


  1. At least the Phans in Philly hate Bettman as much as the rest of us do. Toews = Conn Smythe ????? F.U. Bettman! FeBreze the crawl space. That will get the funk out. Hope to read your work next season. Loved it!

  2. baseball..... the background noise of summer...its such a slow, anticipatory game that i swear to god compared to hockey, you can actly see time go backwards... [blue jays vs royals - hello?]
    by the time october rolls back around ill be so happy that the nhl is back itll seem like no time at all has passed from today until then...
    and with baseball making time go bkwrds, maybe itll really be true...

    - cheers... david

  3. golden as usual, I especially love the Wilner joke.

  4. Leafs fans had fun in October???

  5. Mike Wilner would comment that he liked this post, but his cage doesn't get internet.

  6. what will it take to get you interested in world cup or baseball, even if i'm not? i confess, i will miss your posts more than the hockey, in the offseason.

  7. It's funny that you mention it, because I was actually planning on listening to "Chelsea Dagger" for the next four months. Wooooooh Hawks!

  8. I heard there was some kind of soccer tournament going on...?

  9. For me, the off season will mean re-visiting my collection of game CDs which includes the Ultimate Gretzky set. That set includes game 7 of the 1993 Western Conference finals Kings vs Leafs. Does anyone remember how that series got to a game 7? I thought the Leafs were loaded that year.

  10. This made me laugh as usual, except for the dig at the awesomeness that is "Chelsea Dagger" by The Fratellis. They are a great band, and I sit here with a frowny face at that comment.