A brief history of NHL suspensions

In hindsight, it was the wrong time to
try to start a round of limbo.

The big news this week was Matt Cooke's elbow to the head of Ryan McDonagh and the NHL's swift and significant response. With most fans and observers calling for a lengthy ban, league disciplinarian Colin Campbell suspended the Penguin winger for the remainder of the season and the first round of the playoffs.

But while Cooke's extended vacation may mark the longest suspension of the year, it's far from the biggest in NHL history. As long-time fans know, the league has compiled a long list of lengthy and often controversial disciplinary decisions. Cooke is the latest player to stride well past the league's constantly moving line in the sand, but he's in good company.

So for those of us with time on our hands - hi Matt! - let's take a walk through the record books and look back at some of the most famous suspensions in recent NHL history.

February, 2000 - Marty McSorley learns that while yes, you never want to make the same mistake twice and yes, it does seem to be perfectly smooth and just the right radius, it's still not appropriate to use the side of Donald Brashear's head to test the legality of the curve on your stick blade.

December, 2008 - Gary Bettman suspends Sean Avery for six games for comments that the commissioner describes as "disgusting", "offensive" and "wrong", shortly after Avery wonders aloud whether the league might want to try promoting somebody other than Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin for a change.

March, 2011 - Islanders' forward Trevor Gillies is suspended for 10 games or 15 minutes of actual ice-time, whichever comes first.

May, 1993 - Dale Hunter receives a 21-game suspension for viciously body checking Islanders' center Pierre Turgeon in mid-celebration. While the suspension seems harsh, it's worth pointing out that Turgeon's celebration was taking place in a quiet corner of a romantic restaurant and was for his wedding anniversary.

June, 2007 - The Montreal Canadiens hire a local stunt man to spend four years playing the role of "doomed forward Max Pacioretty" in an elaborate but ultimately unsuccessful attempt to get Zdeno Chara suspended for a few games, thinks Mark Recchi.

October, 1995 - Tie Domi is suspended eight games for sucker punching Ulf Samuelsson, after his attempt to argue that the incident was a momentary and unplanned lapse in judgment is undermined when league officials point out that he had to drag a stepladder onto the ice to do it.

January, 2005 - By claiming that an extended lockout and the cancellation of an entire season is necessary in order to keep ticket prices low, Gary Bettman calls for a record-setting suspension of fans' disbelief.

December, 2007 - After intentionally stomping on the leg of Pittsburgh's Jarkko Ruutu, Islanders enforcer Chris Simon receives a record-setting 30-game suspension when a careful examination of the replay indicates that Ruutu was not injured.

November, 2009 - The league suspends defenceman Chris Pronger for six games after announcing that, according to a league spokesman, "we haven't heard from him in a while and he must have done something". An outraged Pronger maintains his innocence to reporters gathered in the dressing room, before awkwardly refusing to answer questions about the human femur poking out from his locker.

August, 2004 - An unprecedented lifetime ban is imposed on whichever Ottawa Senator scout is in charge of watching goaltenders, presumably.

May, 1989 - Ron Hextall is suspended for 12 games after attacking Chris Chelios at the end of a playoff series. While horrified onlookers originally fear that Hextall's vicious assault may have killed Chelios, the defenceman eventually rises to his feet, mumbles something about brains, and then slowly shuffles off to play for another 21 seasons.

The NHLPA's very good reasons for stalling on the headshot rule

Oh, get up, you're head
is still mostly attached.

The NHL announced tonight that the Board of Governors has approved the new rule on blindside headshots. But wait -- the NHLPA hasn't had a chance to vote on the rule yet, and they say they need more time to consider the proposal. The NHLPA says that means the rule can't go through. The NHL says it can. Confusion reigns.

Meanwhile, the NHLPA is taking all sorts of heat for not moving quickly on the issue. More than a few observers have pointed out that it's the players who are getting their brains scrambled on these hits, and it should be the players who are leading the charge to outlaw them.

Instead, they seem to prefer what Jason Spezza has referred to as "a band-aid fix". Since, as we all know, bandaids are an appropriate way to deal with catastrophic head wounds.

Everyone's so busy attacking the NHLPA that nobody has asked for their side of the story. Well I did. And it turns out the association has plenty of very good reasons for taking its time on this issue. They were even kind enough to send me the full list:

• Our younger players were convinced to reconsider the need for a rule change after hearing a persuasive presentation from veteran players entitled "Hey, we've been taking headshots our whole career and you don't see us banana toolbox salamander".
  
  
• We're all big fans of Swingers, and are hesitant to do anything that would prevent us from making each other's heads bleed.
  
  
• We've been subjected to a relentless lobbying campaign from the nation's powerful stretcher industry.
  
  
• Many of us are good friends with the media who cover us, and we'd hate to resolve this and force them to actually come up with something else to write about.
  
  
• Players could protect themselves from headshots if they'd just take a few simple precautions. For example, Zdeno Chara suggested that we all try being 6'9".
  
  
• We're still seeking confirmation from the league that a ban on headshots won't impact on our ability to pwn each other in Call of Duty.
  
  
• We're trying to get feedback from every player, but no, lazy guys like Marc Savard would apparently rather just lay around in bed all day.
  
  
• It's taking us several days to explain to Jason Spezza what a "bodycheck" is.
  
  
• American players finally have nationalized health care -- it's only fair that they all get a chance to use it.
  
  
• We're pretty sure that if we can draw this out just a few more days, Mike Milbury will end up physically attacking Pierre McGuire. And then we all win.
  
  
• We're not really into that whole "taking decisive action" scene; that's more of an NFL thing.
  
  
• We're still studying several detailed proposals from Chris Chelios, who for some reason seems really interested in protecting the player's brains. Their tasty, tasty brains.
  
  
• Hey, excuse us if it takes us a little longer than normal to think this stuff through. If you hadn't noticed, we've all been getting elbowed in the head since October.
  
  
• We keep leaving voicemail for our senior leadership asking for their advice, but for some reason nobody ever calls us back.

The NHL's plan for winning back video game fans

The Maple Leafs made some news this week when it was revealed that they're concerned about losing younger fans to video games. And as it turns out, they're not alone.

The shifting interests of the younger generation, who increasingly prefer the quicker pace and instant gratification of video games, has become a league-wide problem. The NHL can't survive without the younger demographic, and right now that potential fanbase doesn't like what it sees from the league.

Luckily, the NHL has a plan. Sources tell me that the league is already working on several initiatives to lure gamers back to the NHL product. Here's the full list:

• Replace the shootout with an actual shootout.
  
  
• Every game, one lucky fan gets to carjack the zamboni and back over the driver.
  
  
• Four words - "Rock Band: Brass Bonanza".
  
  
• To make online gamers feel at home, replace traditional play-by-play announcers with racist and homophobic twelve-year-olds who apparently have no parents.
  
  
• Stop referring to Maple Leafs' penalty killers as "hesitant", "slow", or "lethargic". Begin referring to them as "laggy".
  
  
• During post-game interviews, encourage players to whine dramatically about the burden of avenging their dead fathers.
  
  
• All fights will now be preceded by a glass-breaking effect for some reason.
  
  
• Players will no longer be suspended for touching off full-scale brawls by leaping off of the bench and charging wildly into a melee, as long as they remember to yell "Leeroy Jenkins" first.
  
  
• All games will now feature background music. Seven seconds of background music. Repeated over, and over, and over.
  
  
• In an attempt to appeal to sci-fi gamers, maybe try killing a goalie with a laser beam.
  
  
• At the end of every season, the Art Ross winner has 30 seconds to sign his initials on the high score board.
  
  
• Look, two things we know for sure about video game fans: 1.) They love car chases. 2.) They love evil zombies. Find a way to somehow combine these. (Note: Done.)
  
  
• Tell the players to get back to making each other's heads bleed.
  
  
• To make the television broadcasts look more like a sports video game, all fans will be encouraged to dress alike, be heavily pixelated, and constantly stand up and awkwardly wave their arms around for no reason.
  
  
• Bettman: Arkham Asylum
  
  
• Instead of a final buzzer, every game will now end with a brief cutscene, classical music, and seventeen minutes of scrolling Japanese names.
  
  
• Hit the reset button on the entire league; reload saved game from 1994.

NHL 10: An early review

Tuesday is one of the biggest days on an NHL fan's calendar: the release of NHL 10, the latest version of EA Sports' NHL series.

It goes without saying that a blogger as important and popular as I am would be sent an advance reviewer's copy. I had a chance to give it a try over the weekend, and the results were mixed.

Bugs
Let's get the bad news out of the way first. I'm not sure if this game was rushed onto shelves without enough time for testing, but there are a ton of bugs that simply should have been caught.

• Simming ahead several years in franchise mode can lead to unrealistic results. For example, I simmed ahead to 2011, and the game listed one of the teams as playing in "Phoenix".
  
  
• In Front Office mode, the "fire general manager" option is permanently greyed out for the New York Rangers.
  
  
• Somebody at EA needs to seriously prune the roster file to clear out guys who haven't even been in skates for years. This year's game still has guys like Jason Allison and Theo Fleury kicking around.
  
  
• While the post-whistle scrums are a nice addition, they don't feel realistic because announcer Jim Hughson fails to break into an overwrought lecture about how terrible they are.
  
  
• The financial AI is just terrible. Teams like Chicago, Boston and Philadelphia kept signing players to contracts that would clearly ruin their long-term salary cap situation.
  
  
• AI-controlled teams occasionally make roster moves they'd never make in real life. For example, in one sim I noticed the Leafs had signed another team's RFA, which of course is ridiculous since Brian Burke hates when teams do that.
  
  
• While experimenting with the GM mode, I attempted to trade a star player to Edmonton. The deal was accepted, but when I checked the Oilers roster immediately afterwards, the star player was there.

Cheats
What major video game release these days doesn't come with a few cheats and easter eggs? Sure enough, NHL 2010 has its share.

• When you're prompted to enter your name on the opening screen, type in "Jim Balsillie" to unlock an extended slideshow of Gary Bettman giving you the finger.
  
  
• If you manage to win the Stanley Cup, hit "exit" before the handshake line finishes. When you enter the off-season, the game's musical soundtrack will be replaced by the sound of Red Wings fans crying. (Note: there is apparently no undo for this feature.)
  
  
• Enter your name as "Howard Berger" on the opening screen, and then sim a season. All 82 of your games will be scheduled during the month of November.
  
  
• Inspired by the legendary NBA Jam series, NHL 10 includes a hilarious "tiny mode" in which all the regular players on a team are comically shrunk down to a fraction of their normal size. To enable this mode, go to the Team Select screen and choose "Montreal Canadiens".

New features
Now for the good stuff. As fans have come to expect, this year's version comes packed with new and enhanced features.

• The much-hyped "first person fighting" mode is every bit as good as advertised. When you throw a perfectly timed uppercut that connects with your unsuspecting opponent's face, you can actually see the blood splatter onto the cab's dashboard.
  
  
• The game includes an interesting new feature called "Ask Burkie". You can type in any hockey question, and a simulated Brian Burke will provide an answer. Unfortunately, due to an apparent programming error the screen lacks an "exit" button, and Burke just keeps talking and talking non-stop. Even removing the CD and unplugging the system doesn't help. I eventually had to burn my Xbox and bury the ashes in the backyard to get him to be quiet.
  
  
• In a neat bit of crossover promotion, the game will check your hard drive for any Resident Evil saved game files. If it finds any, it will replace the final zombie boss with Chris Chelios.
  
  
• The "Be A Player" mode is super realistic. In my first game against Toronto I lightly nudged one of the Leafs' skill players, and the game immediately cut to a full-motion video montage of my funeral.
  
  
• The all new board play is great fun. You can get a puck to an open teammate by using the new "kick-pass" button. In addition, when controlling Martin Havlat you can also use the "kick-groin" button.
  
  
• Players can now snatch a puck out of the air with their glove hand (note: feature does not apply to Andrew Raycroft).
  
  
• Finally, the game features an intriguing new mode in which two teams can play each other up to seven consecutive times, with the first team to win four games advancing on to play a different team. As a Leaf fan I thought this was really unqiue and creative, and hope the real NHL implements something similar in the future.

---

If you liked this post, you might also enjoy:

• The Leafs' secret Facebook feed
  
• Brian Burke mic'd at the draft: What TSN didn't show you
  
• How to fight when you don't want to fight
• And don't forget to follow DGB on twitter

The NHLPA fires Paul Kelly: The top secret transcript

The big news in hockey today was the firing of Paul Kelly as executive director of the National Hockey League Players' Association. The move came in the middle of the night, after a lengthy closed door meeting among the NHLPA's player reps and executives.

TSN's Darren Dreger is getting a lot of credit for his coverage of the meeting via his twitter account. But while Dreger was left reporting from the hallway, DGB spies were actually in the room and have forwarded me this top secret transcript.

(The 30 player reps are seated around a table in a board room. NHLPA General Counsel Ian Penny rises to speak.)

Ian Penny: Hi everyone. As you know, we're here to decide the fate of Paul Kelly. Now this could a long night, so let's dive right into it. The first speaker is NHLPA Ombudsman Buzz Hargrove.

Buzz Hargrove: Hey guys, I won't go into a ton of detail but I think I've been pretty clear with all of you about where I stand. I think you need new leadership, and I strongly encourage you to fire Paul Kelly tonight.

Players (murmurs): Yeah.

Hargrove: And you guys should listen to me, because I've spent a lifetime fighting for guys just like you in the auto unions.

Players (louder): YEAH!

Hargrove: And that industry is doing great right now!

Players: ...

Penny: OK, you know what, let's change the subject. Maybe we should take a break and talk about some of the other items on the agenda. We have a motion from the Montreal Canadiens' player rep that... let's see, I have it written down here... "Be it formally resolved that the Canadiens suck." Wait, is the Montreal player rep here tonight?

Mike Komisarek: Yes, I'm here.

Kelly: I see. Yeah, I don't think we're going to bother voting on that.

Komisarek: Right, no need. Motion carried.

Chris Chelios: As an Executive Board member, I just want to say that I'm really unhappy with the flow of communications these days. Everything is so secretive. It wasn't like this when I broke into the league.

Penny: Absolutely.

Chelios: When I was a rookie, if the union had something to tell you, they'd sit down and write you a nice letter.

Penny: OK, thanks for that Chris.

Chelios: Then they'd tie the letter to a pigeon's leg and send it on its way.

Penny: That's enough, Chris.

Chelios: And three months later, if you hadn't died of Consumption, you'd take it to the village elder and ask him to read it to you.

Everyone: ...

Chelios: I'm old.

Penny: Yes, we got that.

Hargrove: Look guys, I think what Zombie Chelios is trying to say is that you're not happy. You're getting a raw deal here, every single one of you!

Robyn Regehr: Well, except for Horcoff.

Shawn Horcoff: Hey...

Hargrove: Well, yes, obviously except for Horcoff, but he has to play in Edmonton so he doesn't count. But the rest of you should be mad as hell. Let me hear it!

Shane Doan: We need more of a say on league matters!

Hargrove: Yeah!

Eric Staal: And get rid of this stupid escrow!

Hargrove: Yeah!

Chris Phillips: And lower the salary cap!

Hargrove: Wait, what?

Phillips: Sorry. Sometimes, in pressure situations, I forget which side I'm supposed to be on.

Matt Stajan: Hey guys, could I just say something?

Penny: Sure Matt, what's on your mind?

Stajan: Well... it's just that, I can't shake the feeling that we're making a terrible mistake here. The economy is going into the toilet, and here we are getting paid millions of dollars to play a kid's game. We may have some valid concerns, but the fans who pay our salaries aren't going to have any patience for us talking about taking a hard line. I know we're all athletes and by our very nature we're competitive. But these sorts of things shouldn't be about winning or losing. Let's take a step back, try to see the big picture, and work towards forming an honest partnership with the owners. That way... we can all win.

Penny: Wow. That was really moving. Well said, Matt.

Stajan: Gosh, thanks guys.

Penny: Mike, would you give him the special "Most Eloquent Speaker" award that we talked about?

Stajan: Wait, on second thought I...

Komisarek: (Gunshot)

Hargrove (under his breath): Truculence.

Penny: OK, enough beating around the bush. Let's put this thing to a vote.

Players: Yeah!

Penny: All in favor of firing Kelly, taking a hostile approach towards ownership, getting ready for a drawn out CBA battle, losing another season or more, alienating our few remaining fans, bankrupting the league and spending the rest of our lives working at Tim Hortons and wondering what the hell happened... say aye!

Players: AYE!

Penny: All opposed, say nay.

Stajan: (Gurgle.)

Penny: Motion carried! Great work everyone. I'll see you all at next year's annual NHLPA executive director firing!

The final four: Who should Leaf fans be cheering for?

For the sixth season in a row, the NHL's final four is taking place without an appearance by the Maple Leafs. That means that the league's largest fan base has nobody to cheer for. And with the second round elimination of the Canucks, there's not even a Canadian team left for Leaf fans to pretend to be cheering for while secretly rooting against.

What's a Leaf fan to do? Yes, OK, but besides watching John Tavares highlight tapes and fondling themselves, what's a Leaf fan to do?

I'm not here to give you the answer, but I do want you to make an informed decision. So here, from a Leaf fan's perspective, are some of the reasons to root for (or against) the four remaining teams.

---

Detroit Red Wings

Plus: In this economy, having the Stanley Cup stay in Detroit for another year increases chances that Maple Leafs will eventually be able to buy it in a Windsor pawn shop.

Minus: Their second round victory over the Anaheim Ducks provided disturbing evidence that teams built by Brian Burke can sometimes still lose.

Plus: As the top remaining seed, are the team most likely to win the final round in a sweep. Which, based on the schedule, is the only way these playoffs are ending before July.

Minus: A raucous Stanley Cup celebration could endanger us all by startling Zombie Chris Chelios.

Plus: Occasional news of a Red Wings championship is the only joy left in the life of Bob Probert, as he spends his post-retirement days in the concrete underground bunker he constructed to avoid Wendel Clark.

---

Chicago Blackhawks

Plus: Sort of tough to root against the team that gave us Stu Grimson, Dave Manson, and the quivering corpse of Mike Peluso.

Minus: Their upset win over the Canucks brought on the start of Kyle Wellwood's off-season much earlier than expected, possibly leading to summer-long food shortages in Western Canada.

Plus: An appearance in finals might lead to someone mentioning that the Hawks have the longest current NHL championship drought, which would be news to the majority of Canadian hockey fans who assume that the Leafs do.

Minus: If the Hawks win a Cup, a gleeful Toronto media will no doubt produce a flood of stories about the Leafs drought now being the NHL's longest, including one article produced solely by Howard Berger dry-humping his keyboard.

Plus: Are proving that a team can win despite overpaid and sub-par goaltending, which might help create an off-season market for Vesa Toskala.

---

Pittsburgh Penguins

Plus: Offer hope to Leafs fans by proving that a decade of constant losing, front office incompetence, and almost total irrelevance can result in a pretty darn good roster.

Minus: Every game they win means a few more days of having to look at Sidney Crosby's child molester moustache playoff beard.

Plus: Jordan Staal's showdown with brother Eric will inevitably result in TSN doing a "top ten hockey brothers of all-time" countdown, and it will be nice to see Luke and Brayden Schenn in the #1 spot.

Minus: Not really fair for them to win this year's Stanley Cup, since they're already pencilled in to win the next five or six.

Plus: Feature an inspiring feel-good story in form of defenceman Hal Gill, the only player ever signed by John Ferguson Jr. who is still playing in the NHL.

---

Carolina Hurricanes:

Plus: Each win results in more momentum for the idea of Cam Ward starting for the Canadian Olympic team in place of Roberto Luongo, which is great news assuming you're among the 99.5% of the world's population that isn't from Canada.

Minus: Sometimes, their runs to the Cup final result in Leafs getting stuck with their loser coach.

Plus: If they win, Leaf fans won't have to put up with annoying trash-talk from die-hard Hurricanes fans, since there aren't any.

Minus: Yet another Cup ring for Frantisek Kaberle might make brother Tomas start to have second thoughts about this whole "have zero interest in ever playing for a winning team" policy.

Plus: A championship run would help with publicity for Scott Walker's admirable new charity, "Beat Cervical Cancer by Sucker Punching it in the Face".

---

The bottom line: I think when you weigh the evidence, the final verdict is pretty clear. Leafs Nation, we can all agree on this, right?

Yeah, I thought so. Pass the Tavares highlights.

Wendel Moment #9 - "You got to be a man to play this game!"

On November 22, Wendel Clark's #17 will be raised to the rafters as the team honours its former captain and arguably the most popular player in franchise history.

In the lead up to that night, Down Goes Brown will feature a countdown of Wendel's Top 17 Greatest Moments.

Here's a good example of why you shouldn't admire your own pass when Wendel Clark is nearby. This is from game five of the first round of the 1995 playoffs.

Note on the replay the way that Chelios's body braces for the hit even though he never sees it coming. That's how hard Wendel Clark bodychecks were -- they sent a shockwave of force that impacted several seconds before the actual hit.

I also enjoy the way that Chelios has to stop and check to see if his face is still there.

Now I have a theory about this hit, and I want you to hear me out. As everyone knows, Chris Chelios is still active in the NHL 13 years later. He's 46 years old, but shows no indication of retiring soon. He doesn't skate well, but he still gets by thanks largely to a serious mean streak.

Old. Mean. Very slow. No longer seems to age.

I think Wendel Clark killed Chris Chelios with this hit, and we've been seeing Zombie Chris Chelios ever since.

It makes sense, doesn't it? Zombies are often the result of somebody being exposed to unspeakable evil, and we know Chelios spent several years with the Habs. I think the league should look into this, because it would seriously taint the Red Wings recent Cup wins if they've been using a zombie player.

Also, somebody should probably stab Zombie Chelios in the heart with a wooden stake. Just to be safe.