Thinking outside the box: Strategic shifts from the NHL's opening weekend

At first they thought the coach was crazy,
but eventually they had to admit that the
defensive zone did look like a surprised bear.

The NHL regular season has arrived, withal 30 teams having seen action by the weekend. And if you settled in to watch your favourite team's opening games and felt like something seemed different, you may be right.

After a long off-season of planning and an exhibition schedule for fine-tuning, the opening of the regular season is the time for teams to unveil the new systems and strategies that they hope will translate into improved results. Whether it's a change in coaching, new personnel or just a different approach to certain game situations, most teams have tweaked something.

These changes are often subtle and can be difficult for the casual fan to notice. To help, I've spoken to several scouts and front office executives and they outlined some of the most important strategic shifts to watch for early in the season.

Philadelphia Flyers - Are trying a bold new strategy where the on-the-fly line changes executed by the team every minute or so will no longer include the goaltender.

Los Angeles - Are working hard in practice on improving Drew Doughty's accuracy from the point, since this year every single one of his slap shots seems to be heading directly for the front office's private suite for some reason.

Montreal Canadiens - Are apparently playing under the new slogan "Let's go on out there and be part of a moment that thousands of people have been waiting 15 years for and completely ruin it".

Read the rest of this post...

The pros and cons of fighting in the NHL

Kill him! But, uh, you know, don't hurt him.

The debate over fighting has returned to NHL circles. And if you're a fan of the occasional scrap, you probably didn't have a very good week.

Players like Rick DiPietro, Colton Orr and Derek Boogaard are still on the sidelines due to serious injuries suffered in fights. Then word came last week that the late Bob Probert was suffering from a degenerative brain disease believed to be caused by repeated head trauma. Before fans could fully absorb that news, Edmonton Oilers' number one overall draft pick Taylor Hall had his rookie season ended by an ankle injury suffered in his first career fight.

So here we go again. It seems that the fighting debate has been raging for decades. And while it's lead to hours of heated rhetoric, there's little evidence of anyone ever actually changing their mind.

But maybe that can change. I've spoken to experts on both sides of the issue, and I've captured their best arguments below. For the first time, here are both sides of hockey's greatest debate presented side-by-side. Maybe, just maybe, we can settle this once and for all.

Pro-fighting: Banning fighting would eliminate the chance of a fight between Matt Cooke and Sean Avery that the linesmen could just "forget" to break up.

Anti-fighting: Fights are nothing more than quasi-exciting but ultimately demeaning sideshows that don't showcase any actual hockey skills and have no place in the game, and these days we have the shootout for that.

Pro-fighting: Without the threat of fighting, noble enforcers like Jody Shelley and Trevor Gillies would be unable to protect their teammates from despicable cheap-shot artists like Jody Shelley and Trevor Gillies.

Anti-fighting: Let's face it, nobody really likes having fighting in the game except for ignorant know-nothings like fans, most general managers and coaches, and virtually every single player.

Pro-fighting: Getting rid of fighting would just result in every episode of Coach's Corner being nothing more than a seven-minute diatribe about no-touch icing,

Anti-fighting: If punching somebody in the face at a hockey game is outlawed, only outlaws will punch somebody in the face at a hockey game. And Flyer fans. Actually, mostly Flyer fans.

Pro-fighting: If we just hold off on doing anything to address the rapidly growing list of players lost to concussions for another year or two, all of us will eventually get to play in the NHL for a few games.

Anti-fighting: Mike Milbury has historically been pro-fighting.

Pro-fighting: Wait, Mike Milbury is now apparently anti-fighting.

Anti-fighting: Fighting is an outdated concept that may have made sense for previous generations but has no place in the modern game, like goalies playing without masks or an NHL team in Winnipeg.

Pro-fighting: The inability to regularly write simplistic and condescending anti-fighting columns could spell the end of the already struggling newspaper industry.

Anti-fighting: Studies have shown that a total ban on fighting would increase hockey viewership by 20% in the southern United States, because Tom says he's pretty sure he'd start watching.

Pro-fighting: Hey, remember when they had fighting in NHL 93 and then they took it out for NHL 94? Which one did you like better? Exactly.

Anti-fighting: In addition to being overpaid and overrated based on last year's Cup run, Niemi is known to snore loudly on team flights and often plays bad Finnish pop music on the Sharks' team stereo. (Editor's note: Wait, sorry, this should have been listed as an "Antti fighting" argument.)

Pro-fighting: Players engaging in fights face the possibility of devastating injury and even long-term disability, which is a risk that I as a fan sitting in my easy chair have decided I am willing to accept.

Anti-fighting: Eliminating fighting would send a strong message to impressionable children that settling a dispute by knocking somebody unconscious with your fists is unacceptable; instead, use your rock solid shoulder pad like a gentleman would.

Phil Kessel's all-star draft text messages

Looks like someone just figured out
how to slew-foot in Angry Birds.

The all-star weekend has come and gone for another year. The game was exciting, the skills competition was entertaining, and the various fanfest events drew solid crowds.

But of course, all anyone seems to want to talk about is Friday's draft. And much of that attention has been focused squarely on Phil Kessel, who had the unfortunate distinction of being the last player picked.

Kessel, to his credit, seemed to take the snub in the spirit of good fun. That was despite his admission that he spent much of the draft receiving a steady stream of text messages from his Maple Leafs teammates and others. Fans can probably imagine the sort of feedback he was subjected to as his evening dragged on.

Well, imagine no more. Thanks to my sources at the phone company, I've obtained a transcript all of Kessel's incoming text messages from draft night.

7:45 p.m.
Hey everyone… just a reminder that the draft starts at 8:00 sharp, and should wrap up around 9:15. Please be in your seat on stage a few minutes early. Uh, except Phil, who should feel free to just wander in an hour later if he wants to. We'll explain later. - Eric and Nicklas

8:15 p.m.
Hey Phil, I have your tie here all ready to go, hope I'm not too late. - Joe's Dry Cleaning

8:31 p.m.
Dude, switch seats with me? Jonathan Toews hasn't blinked in about 20 minutes, and I'm starting to fear for my life. - Corey Perry

8:37 p.m.
Man, you've been sitting there without moving for so long you're starting to remind me of me in every third period. - Colton Orr

8:45 p.m.
Watching the draft. I just wanted to let you know how impressed I am by all the poise you've shown tonight. Even in an event like this, you carry yourself like a winner at all times and I can not tell you how excited I am to have you be the franchise player that we build a championship roster around. - Brian Burke

8:46 p.m.
Oops. Sorry Phil, I meant to send that last text to Brad Richards. Could you walk over and show it to him? Not like you're doing anything right now. - Brian Burke

8:58 p.m.
Look Phil, it's nothing personal. It's just that we all know how effective you are in the games involving Zdeno Chara - Eric and Nicklas

9:07 p.m.
Phil, this is painful. A bunch of the TSN guys were talking and we feel terrible for you, and we'd like to take you out to breakfast tomorrow to get your mind off how bad your season is going. We know this great place that's famous for making the world's best waff… you know what, bad idea, forget we brought it up. - James Duthie

9:15 p.m.
So, um… draft schmaft? - Cliff Fletcher

9:18 p.m.
If it's any consolation, you're still my favourite player and always will be. - Peter Chiarelli

9:22 p.m.
Hey buddy, don't worry about it. All the negativity will come to a stop the second you record your first point during the actual game. - Dion Phaneuf

9:27 p.m.
I don't know who you are, but thanks for taking some of the heat off this weekend. - Stan Lee

9:30 p.m.
Hey, if it makes you feel any better I get picked last all the time too. And that's just in pickup road hockey games with the neighbourhood children. - Brett Lebda

9:37 p.m.
Could you share your thoughts about the experience of being the last one picked for a sports team? Ha ha, just kidding. Everyone single one of us already knows exactly what that feels like. - The media

9:45 p.m.
Sorry about making such a big deal of taking your photo when you were stuck there all by yourself. I just really wanted to capture the ending of a major hockey event in person, since when it's the playoffs or the Olympics I'm already sitting at home. - Alexander Ovechkin

9:52 p.m.
So we hear you had to just sit around for an entire draft, doing nothing, watching everyone else have all the fun. Welcome to our world. - The Maple Leafs scouting staff

The NHL's standard test for diagnosing concussions

The bad news: This isn't a photo,
it's a live video feed.

Head injuries are in the spotlight again thanks to the surprising news that Sidney Crosby will miss at least a week with a concussion. While the Penguins claim otherwise, many observers suspect that Crosby may have suffered the injury during the Winter Classic and been allowed to play an additional game before sitting out.

Many reports have included speculation about whether Crosby passed concussion-related medical tests prior to playing. But fans may be surprised to learn that those "tests" aren't especially complex. They're actually just a simple one-page multiple choice quiz which has become the league's standard process for diagnosing concussions.

What does that quiz look like? Glad you asked, since I happen to have obtained a copy.

***

Dear NHL player,

You have recently suffered an injury, which resulted in a direct blow to the head. Congratulations! But before you can play again, you are required by league rules to pass the following in-depth test to ensure that you have not suffered a concussion.

Instructions: Answer each question and then add up your score. If you reach 100 points or more, you have a concussion and should not be playing; print out the results and show them to your coach.

What's the last thing you remember thinking before you were injured?

• "I think I'll just cut across the blueline with my head down." (+5 points)
  
• "What a nice pass I just made, I think I'll admire it." (+10 points)
  
• "I'm pretty sure I can squeeze by Chara here…" (+20 points)
  
• "Hey wait, why are the linesmen backing off and leaving me all alone with Colton Orr?" (+30 points)
  
• "I'll just adjust my rearview mirror and… how did Chris Pronger get into my backseat?" (+100 points)

Which of the following common concussion symptoms have you been experiencing?

• Slight headache (+5 points)
  
• Short-term memory loss (+10 points)
  
• Nausea or vomiting (+20 points)
  
• Starting to think that the Ilya Kovalchuk signing may have been a good idea (+50 points)
  
• Really enjoying those NHL Guardian super hero things (+100 points)

As a result of your injury, are you having any difficulty reading this test?

• I am experiencing significant difficulty (+20 points)
  
• I am experiencing minor difficulty (+10 points)
  
• I can understand everything I'm reading (0 points)
  
• I can understand everything I'm reading, which is odd since I'm a European player who didn't speak a word of English prior to getting hit (+100 points)

At any point since being injured, have you experienced any of the following symptoms of double vision?

• There appears to be 8,000 people at tonight's Thrashers game, instead of the usual 4,000 (+10 points)
  
• In the family seating area, Philadelphia Flyers fans are furiously waving two fingers at my great-grandmother. (+15 points)
  
• During games in Ottawa, there are 12 Senators on the ice looking at their watches and mumbling about whether the season is over yet. (+20 points)
  
• Could swear that one of the Canucks keeps passing the puck back and forth with a guy who looks exactly like him (-50 points)

How did the fans react when you were hit?

• Stunned silence (+5 points)
  
• Audible gasps of horror (+10 points)
  
• Fight broke out in the upper level between fans trying to catch my mouthguard (+20 points)
  
• Started throwing waffles at me, which made no sense. (0 points)
  
• Started throwing waffles at me, which made perfect sense. (+100 points)

Has there been any media coverage of your injury?

• A sportstalk radio caller asked about it. (0 points)
  
• A TV report mentioned that I had suffered an upper body injury (+5 points)
  
• A newspaper article speculated that I may have suffered a head injury (+10 points)
  
• I was featured on an episode of HBO's 24/7 last night, which was subtitled "The Ballad of Concussy McWobble'n'Fall" (+100 points)

Hey, just curious, but you do realize this is hockey and not soccer, right?

• What? (+20 points)
  
• Sigh… yes (-100 points)

Finally, which of the following best describes your current role with your team?

• I am a role player or fourth liner (+20 points)
  
• I take a regular shift (+10 points)
  
• I am a star player (0 points)
  
• I am a star player and it is the playoffs (Get out there, you're fine. Retake the test in the offseason if you still can't remember your name.)

The Code: Hockey's unwritten rules revealed

Wait, I think one of us might be
doing it wrong.

Hockey fans often hear about the infamous "unwritten code" that governs fighting in the NHL. Any time there's an incident involving punches being thrown, you can count on someone making reference to The Code and whether a particular player's actions have violated it.

Unfortunately, it's a myth.

No, not the existence of The Code itself. It's the "unwritten" part that everyone has wrong. In reality, The Code has been written down in detail and passed on from one generation of NHL tough guys to the next. Every enforcer in the league has a copy; they just don't let us see it.

Until now, that is. I've obtained a tattered copy of The Code, and transcribed it below. It's time that hockey fans knew the truth.

***

Dear enforcer,

Welcome to the league. In your role as an NHL tough guy, you will be expected to conduct yourself according to a traditional set of rules and procedures. We call them The Code, and they are the rules we live by.

Please read The Code carefully and thoroughly, and follow it at all times.

Weight classes
All players shall be divided into the following weight classes, listed in descending order of toughness:

• Heavyweight
  
• Cruiserweight
  
• Middleweight
  
• Lightweight
  
• Doug Weight

Choosing an opponent
The Code dictates that players should stay within their weight class whenever possible. For example, a heavyweight may only fight:

• Another heavyweight
  
• A cruiserweight who has instigated the confrontation
  
• A lightweight who has attempted to injure a teammate
  
• An overweight Flyers fan who has fallen into the penalty box.
  
• The nagging feeling that your job will no longer exist in three years.

Rules of engagement
Any of the following phrases, when spoken directly to an opponent, shall be taken as a invitation to fight:

• "Let's go."
  
• "Wanna drop the gloves?"
  
• "Would you like hear a detailed rundown of my fantasy draft?"
  
• "Whoa oh oh, this is Canada's team!"
  
• "I don't know, Paul, to be honest I find your twitter account sort of juvenile and repetitive."

When to fight
It is considered appropriate to initiate a fight when:

• Your team has lost momentum at home, and you want to wake up the crowd
  
• An opponent has committed a serious offence for which immediate retribution is required
  
• You suddenly realize that you haven't been mentioned on Coach's Corner in almost three weeks
  
• Colin Campbell e-mailed you and told you to. (Note: It's probably a good idea to delete the e-mail afterwards)

When not to fight
Avoid fighting under inappropriate circumstances, such as when:

• The coach has given you specific instructions not to
  
• Late in a close game, when an instigator penalty could result in a crucial powerplay goal
  
• Your opponent is not expecting it, since he's busy listening to the national anthem
  
• Some other completely inappropriate time, such as the playoffs

Punishable acts
Any of the following acts shall be deemed in violation of The Code, and deserving of an immediate punch in the face:

• Shooting a puck towards the net after a whistle
  
• Spraying snow on a goalie who has covered the puck
  
• Revealing the ending to "The Wire" to someone who hasn't finished watching the DVDs yet
  
• Attempting that cheap breakaway move from NHL 94
  
• Being Sean Avery

Removal of equipment
If, in the moments immediately preceding a fight, an opposing player:

• Removes his gloves: You must do the same
  
• Removes his helmet and visor: You should do the same
  
• Removes his elbow pad: You may do the same if you choose to
  
• Removes his shirt and pants: You should consider the possibility that you are not actually in a fight and have instead accidentally wandered into Patrick Kane's limousine

When the fight is over
An altercation is considered over as soon as any of the following occur:

• The linesmen make their first effort to intervene
  
• One or both players goes to the ice
  
• The opponent's trainer asks if you could hold off hitting him for a few seconds while they get him on to the stretcher
  
• The Minnesota Wild fan gets a hand free and starts dialling his lawyer on his cell phone
  
• Pretty much as soon as it begins, if you are Matt Carkner and the other guy is Colton Orr

This concludes The Code. Remember, memorize its rules and follow them at all times.

(Unless, you know, somebody makes you really mad. Then just go ahead and do whatever you want.)

NHL referees and linesmen head to the bargaining table

Everybody click that ad over there,
baby DGB needs a new pair of shoes.

There's plenty of concern these days about an impending work stoppage in the NHL. From the hiring of potential hard-liner Donald Fehr as NHLPA head to the bitter fight over Ilya Kovalchuk's contract, there's good reason to believe that players may be headed to the picket line in time for the 2012-13 season.

But there's more labour strife on the horizon, and this time it comes with a much closer timeframe. The NHL's referees and linesmen have been without a contract since August 31, and while negotiations on a new CBA are ongoing there are reports that the league is in the early stages of contacting potential replacement officials.

What's behind the stalemate? Sources tell me that while money is a focus, it's only part of the discussion. As it turns out, NHL referees and linesman have a long list of issues they'd like to see addressed in a new agreement.

My spies have supplied me with some of the officials' demands:

• When we agreed to the clause in the last CBA about always giving 110%, we didn't realize it was referring to our escrow payments.
  
  
• We're willing to accept the league's demand that we no longer publicly vow to target Canucks winger Alex Burrows with bogus penalty calls, as long as everyone agrees that we can still secretly vow to target Canucks winger Alex Burrows with bogus penalty calls.
  
  
• We don't want to seem like spoilsports, but we're really not big fans of that "everyone in attendance wins one free slice of pizza if the referee takes a puck in the throat" promotion.
  
  
• Every time anyone calls a penalty against Tomas Kaberle, they get an angry phone call from his father.
  
  
• We're getting a little tired of ignorant coaches calling us blind, when in fact many of our members don't meet the technical standards for legal blindness in several states and provinces.
  
  
• Let's just say that it's not exactly fun breaking up fights between Colton Orr and Matt Carkner knowing that one linesman is inevitably about to get 230 lbs of dead weight dropped on top of him.
  
  
• We just want the same thing any other union gets: Time-and-a-half for working overtime.
  
  
• Whenever we skate onto the ice we can't tell if the fans are saying "boo" or "I hope somebody boo-urns your house down you soulless cretin", although now that we see it written down like that it probably doesn't matter very much.
  
  
• We find this whole "mandatory penalty for high-sticking" thing way too restrictive, and would prefer to go back to it being optional like during the 1993 playoffs.
  
  
• Hey, just a thought, but maybe when the league feels like taking a break from buying high-def TVs for the video review war room they could invest a few dollars so that we don't have to call them on a phone with a twisty cord from 1983.
  
  
• If we're being completely honest, not a single one of us knows what that trapezoid thing behind the net is supposed to accomplish.
  
  
• Now that Brian Gionta is apparently going to be named captain of the Canadiens, it's going to be murder on our knees having to kneel down every time he wants to discuss a call.
  
  
• Look, we know the media has a job to do, but it would be nice to be able to work just one game without Ines Sainz throwing herself at us afterwards.
  
  
• While we understand that the mascot with the hot dog gun is popular with fans, that still doesn't explain why he gets to kick in the door to our dressing room and fire off multiple rounds at point-blank range during every intermission.
  
  
• It's been years since any coach was kind enough to offer us a donut.
  

NHL free agency through the years

With free agency season upon us, all eyes are focused on this year's crop of UFAs. Who'll get the best deal? Who'll bolt for the KHL? Which teams will improve, and which will be left on the sidelines?

We'll know soon enough. But in the meantime, let's remind ourselves of how unpredictable free agency can be by looking back at some notable signings from recent years.

Daniel and Henrik Sedin, Vancouver, 2009 - After signing a last-minute extension with the Canucks, the twins' plans to celebrate with a slice of that big cake that showed up on their doorstep that morning are ruined at 12:01 when Brian Burke awkwardly pops out of it.

Colton Orr, Toronto, 2009 - Orr becomes one of the highest paid enforcers in league history, thanks to a deal with Toronto that pays him a quarter for every time he punches Matt Carkner in the face.

Marion Gaborik, New York, 2009 - The Rangers sign the oft-injured star to a $37.5M deal. While other teams were willing to match the money, the Rangers were the only team to meet Gaborik's demands of a "no playoff-clinching shooutout" clause.

Brian Campbell & Cristobal Huet, Chicago, 2008 - The Blackhawks sign the pair to long-term contracts that most observers feel are significantly overpriced. While many fans fear the contracts will cripple the Hawks, the front office assures fans that the team will be able to stay under the salary cap thanks to careful roster management, judicious use of buyouts, or at least some other team eventually hiring Rick Dudley.

Thomas Vanek, Edmonton, 2007 - After an 84-point season, Vanek signs a $50M offer sheet with the Oilers which the Sabres are forced to match. After realizing how close he came to spending the rest of his career in Edmonton, a shaken Vanek vows to never risk attracting the Oilers' attention again by spending the next several seasons disguised as a second-liner.

Gary Roberts, Toronto, 2000 - Roberts agrees to terms with the Leafs, choosing their contract of just under $3M a season over the Senators' offer of "Oh god, sir, please don't hurt us, take whatever you want and just leave us alone".

Chris Drury and Scott Gomez, New York, 2007 - Upon learning that critics are calling the signings the worst free agent contracts that are even theoretically possible, Glen Sather mutters "we'll see about that" and circles Wade Redden's name with a yellow highlighter.

Sean Avery, Dallas, 2008 - Upon signing Avery, Stars general manager Brett Hull tells him "Hey, I know you're better known as a Ranger, but we don't mind picking up other teams' sloppy seconds. Ha ha! Um, why are you writing that down?"

Peter Forsberg, Philadelphia, 2005 - Coming out of the NHL lockout, Forsberg shuns the Avalanche to sign with the Flyers. "I really wanted to make the right decision," Forsberg tells reporters, "because I know that the experience of being an unrestricted free agent is one I'll only ever get to have once, maybe twice, per year, for the rest of my career."

Jason Blake, Toronto, 2007 - The Leafs agree to terms with Blake early in the day, although the actual contract signing is delayed several hours due to technical problems after it's discovered that John Ferguson Jr. had earlier tried to fax himself a grilled cheese sandwich.

MLSE's Real Sports Bar & Grill: The leaked menu

Last night was the highly anticipated grand opening of MLSE's Real Sports Bar & Grill. The massive establishment is the latest crown jewel in the MLSE corporate empire, and is sure to become Toronto's premier dining destination. Located right outside the ACC, Real Sports will open to the public next week and hosted a special invitation-only sneak peek last night.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to make it due to prior commitments, travel complications, and the restraining order. But some of my spies were able to sneak in and get their hands on one of the menus. Even though it's top secret, I'm publishing it here.

Ever wondered what a Maple Leafs-themed restaurant would serve up? Wonder no more.

Download

Why are the Ottawa Senators losing money?

Melnyk was devastated to learn the post
would not include any Heatley jokes.

According to news reports, the Ottawa Senators lost money this season for the second year in a row. When I first read that, I assumed it was a mistake. I'm sure most of you did too.

After all, the game is booming in Canada. TV ratings are soaring, the dollar is strong, and there's even talk of adding more teams in the Great White North. How is it possible that a team in a city that unironically calls itself "Hockey Country" could be losing money?

Unfortunately, it's true. And after crunching some numbers and holding off-the-record discussions with several front office staff, I think I know why.

• That whole "Alexei Kovalev will act like he vaguely gives a crap or your money back" promotion was probably a bad idea.
  
  
• Foolishly bet Mike Fisher $100 that he wouldn't have the guts to ask out the next former reality show C-lister who walked through the door.
  
  
• Probably should have listened to Andy Sutton and ensured that financial advisors were, in fact, experts.
  
  
• Fans must remember that markets like Toronto and Montreal have certain geographical advantages, such as a larger population base, a more established business community, and an arena that's actually accessible by paved roads.
  
  
• Were stuck paying Jonathan Cheechoo's $3.5 million annual salary, which over the course of the entire season worked out to $7 million per goal.
  
  
• Owner Eugene Melnyk in unconcerned about profits and won't hesitate to spend money because he is completely committed to bringing a championship to the city of Ottawa, or at least that's what he told everyone when he showed up for that one game five months ago.
  
  
• It gets expensive sending a new floral arrangement to Matt Carkner's widow every time Colton Orr comes to town.
  
  
• What, you think designing a new uniform every three months is free?
  
  
• Every time he sees the "how acquired" line in Chris Campoli's media guide bio, Bryan Murray throws another plasma TV through the press box window.
  
  
• The dismissal of longtime club president Roy Mlakar had a devastating impact on revenues from the office swear jar.
  
  
• An increasingly desperate desire to please fans lead to an irresponsible series of costly giveaways. (Wait, I'm sorry, that was meant for the list of "Reasons the Senators should trade Jason Spezza".)
  
  
• For several games in December, briefly exceeded operations budget by hiring a second goddamned parking lot attendant.
  
  
• Are still paying the buyout on the Crazy Fat Motivational Gladiator Guy's contract.
  
  
• What can we say, elite goaltending ain't cheap.
  
  
• Gosh, we have no idea. After all, Ottawa is such an amazing sports town.
  
  
• That futuristic biomechanical exoskeleton we had to install in Daniel Alfredsson after the Mark Bell hit takes like a million batteries.
  
  
• In hindsight, Spartacat's "Crowned Rack of Lamb with Saffron Rice and Apricot-Mint Sauce Master Blaster" probably would have still been popular if we'd just used hot dogs.
  

ESPN's NHL player survey: The missing questions

Survey says...

The April 5th issue of ESPN The Magazine will contain the annual NHL player's poll, in which 50 players were asked about a variety of subjects. The poll yielded some interesting results, as players weighed in on topics such as PEDs, officiating, groupies, and more.

But something's wrong. All the media reports, and even the actual ESPN article, only make reference to 20 questions. And I happen to know there were 30, because I have a copy of the full results.

I don't know why the extra ten questions haven't been reported on. I'm thinking it may have just been an oversight. So I'm going to fix that right now, by revealing the ten NHL player poll questions ESPN forgot to tell you about.

The players are currently hiring a new head for the player's association. What is the most important qualification that your ideal candidate would have?
13% - Experience recovering from disastrous work stoppages.
11% - Inability to hack into e-mail systems.
8% - Some vague sense of familiarity with the sport of hockey, although to be honest that's really more of a "nice-to-have".
68% - We have a player's association?

Which team would you least like to be playing for?
13% - Columbus Blue Jackets
16% - Florida Panthers
12% - New York Islanders
59% - Whoever has to play the Red Wings in the first round of the playoffs.

Do you think Alexander Ovechkin will hit the 50-goal mark this season?
74% - Yes
15% - No
11% - Only if it turns its back to him first

The NHL is rumored to be considering another round of expansion. Would this be a good idea?
31% - No.
28% - No!
24% - Good lord, no.
17% - Yes.
17% - Just kidding... but seriously: No.

Should the NHL alter its overtime format for the playoffs?
23% - Yes, introduce 4-on-4 overtime for the playoffs.
17% - Yes, introduce the shootout for the playoffs.
45% - No, do not change the overtime format for the playoffs.
5% - I am a member of the Toronto Maple Leafs and I do not understand the question.

Do you think it's ridiculous that in today's NHL, a team can lose more games than they win and still be considered over .500?
58% - Yes
54% - No

Travis Moen recent suffered a gruesome eye injury that nearly ended his career. Why don't more players wear visors?
27% - Find that it reduces peripheral vision.
34% - Stigma that tough players don't wear them.
22% - Not necessary since chance of suffering a serious eye injury are probably small.
17% - What? Who said that? Is there somebody in the room?

What's the single most important thing a hockey player can accomplish during their career?
23% - Stanley Cup championship
18% - Olympic gold medal
13% - Hall of Fame induction
38% - Trade out of Edmonton

There is growing concern over the number of serious injuries to NHL players. What's your best advice to fellow players on staying healthy?
19% - Hide behind the mascot any time Shea Weber winds up for a slapshot.
25% - Spend a lot of time standing next to Rick DiPietro; at least you'll look healthy by comparison.
12% - Never make eye contact with Colton Orr.
34% - Try to get an appointment with the Capitals' team "chiropractor".

The Winter Classic has become an unqualified success, generating massive fan interest and historic television ratings. How will the NHL ruin it?
11% - Hold it more than once per season.
10% - Play the game in indoor stadiums in southern markets like Dallas.
15% - Start re-using the same teams every year.
64% - Not sure, but have an absolute and unwavering faith that Gary Bettman will figure something out.

The other Toronto Maple Leaf training camp letters

If you're a Leafs fan, you've probably seen this training camp letter from 1962 by now. It's been making the e-mail rounds for weeks.

The apparently real letter is from Leafs' GM Punch Imlach to player Jim Pappin, informing him of the schedule for the upcoming training camp. It's filled with nostalgia for a bygone era, including quaint references to train travel, mandatory golfing sessions, and the requirement that all players be able to do 20 pushups.

But while the Pappin letter makes for a fun look back at hockey's past, many fans don't realize that these letters are a Toronto tradition. Every summer, the current Leafs general manager sits down to type out a letter to his players to let them know what to expect in September. And I just happen to have several original copies in my collection.

For example, here's the letter Brian Burke sent out this past summer:

Can't see the image? Download it here.

And here's the letter from the year before, when Cliff Fletcher was in charge:

Can't see the image? Download it here.

And, of course, the 2007 letter:

Can't see the image? Download it here.

When teammates attack: Other teammate-inflicted NHL injuries

The Florida Panthers' playoff
chances: an interpretive dance

Keith Ballard is the talk of the hockey world today, thanks to his bizarre slash to the head that left teammate Tomas Vokoun bleeding on a stretcher.

But while Ballard is certainly an extreme case, he's not the first NHL player to accidentally cause an injury to a teammate. In fact, over the past few years the league has seen several regrettable incidents. Here's a look at some that had the biggest impact.

The player: Jonas Gustavsson
The injury: Heart arrhythmia due to repetitive trauma to the middle of his chest
What happened: Cumulative effect from a full month of facing Jason Blake in practice every day.

The player: Joe Thornton
The injury: Damaged windpipe due to choking
What happened: Unaware of strict internal rules regarding team meals, new teammate Dany Heatley mentions the word "playoffs".

The player: Andrei Markov
The injury: Sprained MCL
What happened: Repetitive strain of constantly having to drop to one knee to hold a conversation with the Habs' various offseason acquisitions.

The player: Brad Boyes
The injury: Severe hoof damage across his back
What happened: Wandered in between Keith Tkachuk and the post-game buffet.

The player: Alexei Ponikarovsky
The injury: Lower back pain, swollen ankles, and gestational diabetes
What happened: Accidentally made eye contact with Luke Schenn.

The player: Entire Vancouver Canucks defence
The injury: Second and third degree sunburns to the back of the neck.
What happened: Were forced to play an entire game in front of Andrew Raycroft.

The player: Rick DiPietro
The injury: Multiple fractures, torn ligaments, internal organ failure
What happened: Teammate Brendan Witt turned on a rotating fan in the dressing room, causing a light breeze.

The player: Marian Hossa
The injury: Lacerations to both wrists
What happened: New teammate Patrick Kane introduced himself by saying "Wow, you played for Pittsburgh and Detroit? Can I see your Cup rings?"

The player: Marc Staal
The injury: Impaired vision
What happened: Learning the details of Wade Redden's free agent contract caused eyes to cartoonishly pop out of head, detaching both retinas.

The player: Daniel Carcillo
The injury: Concussion
What happened: During a heated debate on the validity of the inferential thesis, Carcillo argues for Gibson's "ecological approach" to the conception of perception, leading Riley Cote (a known advocate of Fodor and Pylyshyn's stance that affordances presuppose direct perception and therefore can not be used to explain it) to hit him over the head with a folding chair.

The player: Chris Neil
The injury: Two broken ankles
What happened: Instinctively leapt out of eighth floor hotel window after Chris Phillips mentioned that the bellhop kind of looked like Colton Orr.

The player: Chris Drury
The injury: Existential crisis
What happened: Realization that Sean Avery continues to pull incredibly hot women forced him to question the very existence of a just and merciful god.

The player: Mike Fisher
The injury: Broken jaw and fractued orbital bone
What happened: Tried to keep a straight face when Daniel Alfredsson delivered his "Go ahead and write it, I guarantee we'll win the Cup" quote.

Ten reasons the Maple Leafs might fire Carlton the Bear

Hit the bricks, loser.

According to Sportsnet, which is a mainstream media organization with strict editorial standards and would therefore not be wrong about something like this, the Maple Leafs have fired Carlton the Bear. (Update: Carlton himself denies it.)

And while this news may come as a shock to some, sources tell me it's actually been in the making for some time. In fact, Carlton's employee file lists ten problems that contributed to his termination.

Thanks to my spies at the ACC, here's a full list of the reasons behind Carlton's dismissal.

• Timing made sense, since comprehensive no-movement clause given to him by John Ferguson Jr. finally expired.
  
  
• Signature "look" of a dark blue Maple Leafs jersey and no pants was widely acknowledged to have been stolen from Larry Tanenbaum.
  
  
• Lingering bitterness over that time he killed and ate Vesa Toskala's glove hand.
  
  
• Was never quite the same after his long-standing franchise raw fish eating record was shattered by Kyle Wellwood.
  
  
• Turns out it was his idea to get Alan Frew to record a song about the Leafs.
  
  
• The Blue Jays got rid of BJ Birdie in 1999, and MLSE has seen how well that worked out for them.
  
  
• Despite being a seven-foot-tall polar bear, still whimpered like a girl every time Colton Orr made eye contact.
  
  
• During course of a typical home game, repeatedly violated MLSE's strict employee policy of never intentionally interacting with any fans, ever.
  
  
• Team must respect clause in Jason Blake's contract stipulating that he always be the palest person in the organization.
  
  
• The team has only five wins all year; obviosuly someone has to be held accountable.

The 10 types of Leaf fans (and how to deal with them)

Blake has how many years left?

If you're a Leaf fan, you're not reading this because it's too hard to make out the words when your eyes are encrusted by day-old tears of blood.

But what if you're not a Leaf fan? Well, two things. First, lucky you. And second, there's a good chance you'll still have to deal with one of us eventually. And that's bad news, because these days Leaf fans are probably the most pathetic and depressing group of people you could imagine.

We know it. And we know that it has to be awkward to run into one of us. After all, what can you say? What could you possibly do to make one of wretched souls feel better about this mess? How can you avoid accidentally saying the wrong thing and winding up with your picture on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper?

It's not easy. But there is a right way and a wrong way to approach a Leafs fan these days. And the crucial first step is to figure out what type of Leaf fan you're dealing with. After all, we're a pretty varied group.

I'm here to help. So I've created this handy guide that separates Leafs nation into ten distinct groups. Use this information to figure out what type of fan you've encountered, and then follow my advice to avoid making a bad situation even worse.

Mr. Mood Swing
Description - This guy's entire mood is based around the most recent Leaf game. Or period. Or shift. When they win, he's convinced everything could still be OK. When they lose, he's despondent. When they lose in overtime, he's not sure how to feel. Thanks, Bettman.
How to recognize him - The wall behind his television has a lot of beer bottle sized holes in it.
What to do if you see one - Assuming the Leafs recently lost (and let's face it, they did), pull the fire alarm and flee the building.

The Self Loather
Description - This guy hates himself, and wants to be miserable. He craves pain, since its icy sting is the only thing that reminds him he's alive. So naturally, he's chosen to become a Leafs fan.
How to recognize him - You'll find him in his natural habitat: writing positive comments on Damien Cox blog posts.
What to do if you see one - This is the only type of Leaf fan that you're allowed to discuss the most recent loss with. Also, make a mental note to buy him Leafs Abomination for Christmas.

"Truculence" Guy
Description - A small but tragic group. Due to an acute exposure level to off-season Brian Burke soundbites, they're no longer able to form a complete sentence without using the word "truculence". (Note: Every single Leaf fan went through this phase in September, but most have pulled out of it.)
How to recognize him - He owns a Colton Orr jersey.
What to do if you see one - Do not, under any circumstances, ask him what the word means. He doesn't know, and you might wind up getting your face Matt Carkner-ized.

"Just One Cup" Guy
Description - This fan has already cut a deal: he wants to see the Leafs win one Stanley Cup before he dies. Just one. This little Faustian bargain gives him a sense of inner peace since he knows he has time, and the laws of probability, working in his favor.
How to recognize him - He says things like "wait 'til next decade".
What to do if you see one - Ask him if he enjoyed Bill Simmons' "Now I Can Die in Peace", which he's guaranteed to have read.

"Just One Cup" Guy Who's Getting Older
Description - A subset of the "Just One Cup" Guy group, this Leaf fan is between the ages of 30 and 42. He's never seen the Leafs win a Cup, but always just assumed that he would some day. But now he's getting older, he's sore in the morning for no reason, and he has hair growing out of his ears. And he's starting to worry.
How to recognize him - Every time the Leafs lose, he does an hour on the treadmill.
What to do if you see one - Tell him you read a fascinating article about cryonic suspension.

The Youngster
Description - This Leaf fan is young. He vaguely remembers the Pat Burns era, has no memory of Harold Ballard, and is still getting used to not having Mats Sundin around.
How to recognize him - He doesn't have that beaten-down Mel Gibson mugshot look in his eyes that every other Leaf fan does.
What to do if you see one - Leave him alone. He'll be miserable like the rest of us in a few years.

The Bandwagon Jumper
Description - This guy is a diehard Leaf fans... as long as they're winning. He loved the Burns era, and was a big fan of Pat Quinn. He has no idea that Kirk Muller ever played for the Leafs, but he owns three Doug Gilmour jerseys. He swears he's a Leaf fan, but admits that he also has a few other favorite teams. He probably cheered for the Senators in 2007.
How to recognize him - Right now? You won't.
What to do if you see one - Stab him. Repeatedly.

The Fixer
Description - This guy wants the Leafs to win, and they would, dammit, if they'd just listen to him. He has the blueprint all laid out. And he wants to tell you all about it. In detail.
How to recognize him - He's probably posting a trade proposal thread at hfboards.com right now.
What to do if you see one - Listen patiently to his explanation of why a Stajan/Blake/White package could probably land Ilya Kovalchuk and a pick, nod pensively, then encourage him to phone a radio call-in show to reach a wider audience.

The Delusional Idiot
Description - This fan sincerely believes that the Leafs will win the Stanley Cup every year. No matter how bad things are, how thin the roster, how glaringly obvious the holes are to anyone who can breathe through their nose -- this guy is utterly convinced that ultimate glory is right around the corner. He thinks that nobody associated with the Leafs can do any wrong, and will never criticize the team. When the team wins two games in a row, this pathetic loser runs around shouting "Plan the parade!"
How to recognize him - You won't. He's a fictional character created by Howard Berger.
What to do if you see one - Tell him to say hi to the tooth fairy, the Easter Bunny, and Berger's limo driver.

The Realist
Description - This guy is a true blue fan. But unlike the unfair various stereotypes of the passionate fan, he's still able to view the world objectively. His longterm outlook isn't clouded by short-term emotional swings, but rather by a steeley-eyed realism based on a rational analysis of the Toronto Maple Leafs' current performance and chances for future success.
How to recognize him - He shot himself after the Calgary game.
What to do if you see one - Try to wait until after the holidays before you hit on his girlfriend.

The NHL's top secret flow chart for handing out suspensions

The NHL's discipline policy has been in the news again lately. We've seen various incidents involving Alexander Ovechkin, Mike Richards, Curtis Glencross, Colton Orr and others, not to mention the OHL's season-long ban to Mike Liambas.

And as always, the NHL's suspension decisions have been criticized. It's the usual refrain: discipline is handed out haphazardly, almost randomly, and there doesn't seem to be any sort of consistency.

Nonsense. The criticism is unfair and unfounded. The NHL has a clear policy when it comes to suspensions, and the policy is followed faithfully. The league just hasn't decided to share it. So I'm doing it for them.

Yes, I have a copy of the NHL's discipline policy. And given recent events, I think it's only fair that hockey fans everywhere get to see it.

So here, straight from the desk of Colin Campbell himself, is the super top secret policy for handing out suspensions:

Download this.

By the way, it should go without saying that this policy applies only in the regular season. There's a separate policy for the post-season, which can be found here:

Download this.

There. So much for "random suspensions". Don't you all feel silly now?

Other DGB posts like this one:

• Gary Bettman's gmail account
  
• The Maple Leafs' Facebook feed
  
• Top secret transcripts
  
• Brian Burke's Twitter
  
• And don't forget to follow me on twitter and/or subscribe via RSS

Truculence

Full size version is here.

Leafs sign Colton Orr

The Leafs have signed Colton Orr to a four year deal worth $1M a season.

This is a fantastic signing. For the first time since Wade Belak left, the Leafs have a true heavyweight.

The Leafs as a team are still not tough enough. But this is a major step in the right direction. Great work by Brian Burke.

Here are some Orr highlights to get you in the mood:

Countdown to free agency

Tomorrow is Free Agency Day. It's also a holiday in Canada, which means two things:

• I'll be online all day
  
• I'll be drinking heavily starting at noon

I'll be updating DGB whenever something interesting happens... which, given Brian Burke's track record, means this is my last post for the week. But check back anyways, just in case.

And don't forget to follow me on twitter. My twitter feed has all the high quality you've come to expect from the blog, except more frequent, shorter, and without the high quality.

(If you're not already following DGB, PPP, Chemmy and the rest of the barilkosphere on twitter, you missed out on an epic afternoon. Once news of the Gomez trade broke, Leaf Nation quickly formed a kick circle around Bob Gainey and didn't let up for a solid hour. Good times. Look for an encore tonight if the Senators trade Dany Heatley for Dustin Penner.)

A few quick thoughts on free agency:

• I'm solidly pro-Sedin, if and only if Burke can sign them to deal of reasonable length. If Burke can get the twins to signs five or six year deals worth, say, $35M or so each, I'm happy.
  
  The Leafs need front line talent and only have one elite forward prospect. The Sedins give you two-thirds of a top line and push everyone else down to more suitable roles. Plus, as we all know, Swedish players never let you down.
  
  
• Do not sign Chris Neil. He's broken down, has a grossly over-inflated sense of himself, and is a cruiserweight at best. Yes, it's admirable to see a relatively little guy fight giants like Laraque and Brashear. But he gets fed every time, and we can find cheaper guys to clog up the fourth line and lose fights twice a month.
  
  
• On the other hand, I want Colton Orr's signature on a contract at 12:01. The Leafs need an enforcer -- not a grinder, not a plugger, not a plumber, but an honest-to-god alpha dog. Chris Neil isn't the answer. Andrew "Golf Swing" Peters definitely isn't the answer. Colton Orr is. Sign him tomorrow. Then give him Finger's #4, just to piss off Bruins ans.
  
  
• Seriously, do not sign Chris Neil.
  
  
• Mike Cammalleri, Mike Komisarek and François Beauchemin are all fine players if you can get them at a reasonable price, which you won't. So don't get your hopes up.
  
  
• I will go on a crime spree if they sign Chris Neil.
  
  
• There's a very sick part of me that wants the Leafs to sign Todd Bertuzzi, just for the entertainment value. He would immediately cause Damien Cox's head to explode. He'd instantly become the most hated player in NHL history. And he'd make Dominic Moore cry tears of blood.
  
  
• DUR-NO! DUR-NO! DUR-NO!

A reminder of the three immutable laws of NHL free agency:

1. Everybody will get way more money than anyone expects them to get. Everyone.
   
2. Most of the big names will sign with teams that they've never even been linked to.
   
3. Do not sign Chris Neil

Finally, a sincere thanks to DGB readers. Thanks to a late surge, this will be the fifth straight month of record traffic. That's pretty impressive considering how little is going on in Leafland every spring.

So thanks to everyone who visits. Thanks to everyone who subscribes, follows, or bookmarks. And special thanks to everyone who posts DGB content and links on various forums and sites around the world.

(And that includes a special hello to my friends in Finland in the NHL-huumoria thread at Jatkoaika.com. Kiitos! I've almost forgiven your country for Vesa Toskala.)