Every Leafs playoff loss of the Shanahan era, ranked from least to most painful

The Leafs lost in the playoffs. Again. Six times, in fact.

That’s progress, in a sense – the most playoff games they’ve lost in one postseason during the Brendan Shanahan era. That’s the reward you get for winning a round. More losing, what fun.

If you’re counting, and I am, that makes it 29 postseason games that the Leafs have lost since their first appearance of the Shanahan/Matthews era in 2017, a span that covers the Capitals, Bruins (twice), Blue Jackets, Canadiens, Lightning (twice) and Panthers. Of course, not all losses are created equal. Some are significantly more painful than others.

Hey, that sounds like an excuse for a ranking. Let’s do that.

But first, a caveat: I very much get that some Leaf fans will want no part of this exercise. I gave it a few extra days to let you work through the grieving process on this latest exit, but that’s going to be nowhere near enough for some of you. If you want to exit out of this article like this guy, I totally get it.

But we all process tough times in different ways, and some of us like to talk our way through them with our miserable fellow travellers. If that’s you, come and join our little support circle as we count down every Maple Leafs playoff loss of this era, from least to most painful.

---

29: 2017, Round 1, Game 1: Capitals 3, Maple Leafs 2 (OT)

The very first playoff game of the Shanahan era was also the first loss. But it was close, and that felt like a victory against a heavily favored Caps team that had just won the Presidents’ Trophy. Sure, the winning goal was a little bit weak, and of course it had to be Tom Wilson who scored. But just getting to overtime against a team that was supposed to be unbeatable was a win in its own way.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5bX5-p7xYM

The playoffs are fun! They’re fun, right?

28: 2023, Round 2, Game 1: Panthers 4, Leafs 2

Ah, it feels like it was only weeks ago, doesn’t it? We were all so young back then. We were also still a little hungover from finally seeing the team win a round, so this one couldn’t hurt all that much. Even though they lost, the Leafs played reasonably well, so the outlook for the rest of the series still looked bright. Besides, it was funny to see Paul Maurice holding up his fingers, as if one gesture could suddenly convince all the refs to call prison rules for the rest of the series.

27: 2018, Round 1, Game 4: Bruins 3, Maple Leafs 1

I’ll be honest, I have zero recollection of this game. (Checks box score.) Oh hey cool, Tomas Plekanec was a Leaf for a bit. He scored in this one, which saw the Leafs play reasonably well but run into a strong Tuukka Rask game. Man, why can’t we ever draft a goalie like that.

26: 2021, Round 1, Game 1: Canadiens 2, Maple Leafs 1

This was an awful game, but not because of the loss. Instead, it will best be remembered for the devastating John Tavares injury that took him out of the series. The heavily favored Leafs went on to lose a dull game, but that barely mattered, and if anything it felt understandable given that they'd just seen their leader carried off the ice. Once word came down that Tavares would be OK for the long-term, we all settled back in to watch the Leafs bulldoze the inferior Habs. Which they did. For three games.

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Puck Soup: The Great Eight (Hundred)

On this week's episode of the Puck Soup podcast:
- Alexander Ovechkin hits 800
- It's Board of Governors time and Gary Bettman is making stuff up again
- You won't believe what penalty Colin Campbell wants to fix
- Bettman does not want a play-in round
- The Canucks have to make a decision on Bo Horvat
- Let's rename some awards
- An ugly brawl in the stands
- Tage Thompson, Jaromir Jagr and more...

>> Listen on The Athletic >> Subscribe on iTunes.

>> Listen on Spotify

>> Get weekly mailbags and special bonus episodes by supporting Puck Soup on Patreon for $5.

The ten most successful midseason goalie trades of the cap era, ranked

You can’t trade for a good goaltender during the season.

It’s become conventional wisdom in the NHL’s cap era, and it’s not hard to see why. If your team finds itself needing a goaltender, you’re almost by definition dealing from a position of weakness, so prices will be high. And the market is never all that exciting, for the simple reason that contending teams aren’t trading their goalies, and bad teams are usually bad because their goaltending stinks to begin with. So if find yourself needing an upgrade in net, you’re better off waiting for the offseason.

You’re hearing it again this year, as teams like Edmonton, Buffalo and Colorado could be in the market for a goalie, and teams like Boston, Columbus or Dallas could be shopping one. You’d think there could be a match there somewhere, but apparently not, we’re told. Reigning Vezina winner Marc-Andre Fleury? Sure, it sounds nice in theory, but those deals just don’t work out in the middle of a season.

The classic example is Ryan Miller. He was a fantastic goaltender, one who won nearly 400 games while building a resume that might get him into the Hall of Fame discussion. He won a Vezina in Buffalo, had a solid run in Vancouver, and finished his career as a dependable veteran option in Anaheim. But in the middle of all of that, there was the 2013-14 season, when the Sabres made Miller the rare star goaltender to hit the midseason trade market. The Blues won the bidding war, only to see Miller struggle down the stretch on the way to a first-round exit that spelled the end of his brief stint in St. Louis. The deal is widely viewed as a bust for the Blues, and as the cautionary example that midseason goalie trades are futile.

Except… what about when they’re not?

We can listen to GMs complain about how hard their job is, and we can hold up the Miller trade to prove them right. But the reality is that there have been several mid-season goalie trades during the cap era that worked out just fine. A few of them worked out great.

That seems like the sort of thing that calls for a ranking. So today, we’re going to look back on ten mid-season goalie trades that worked out best for the team making them. We’re looking for NHL goalies here, not prospects, which is to say that we want guys who played at least one big league game for each team that year. Trades only, not waivers (sorry Ilya Bryzgalov and Michael Leighton). And we’ll look at both the immediate impact a trade had on that season as well as whether the guy stuck around.

We’ll count down ten through one, based on a strict criteria of me just making this up as I go. And we’ll start with one that I didn’t even remember until I started digging into the research…

10. Cristobal Huet to Washington in 2008

The goalie: Huet was always a longshot to have an NHL impact. He was drafted in the seventh round in 2001 at the age of 25, and had a couple of solid years with the Kings. But a trade to the Habs during the 2004 offseason opened the door to more playing time, and he ended up leading the NHL in save percentage during the 2005-06 season. He was named to the all-star team in 2006-07, and was on his way to another strong year as the 2008 deadline approached.

The trade: With a young Carey Price emerging, the Canadiens sent Huet to the Capitals for a second-round pick.

The results: Huet took over the Caps’ starter job from a struggling Olaf Kolzig and played well enough down the stretch to get them into the playoffs by two points. They’d go on to lose to the Flyers in seven in the opening round, although Huet was fine. There was no long playoff run and Huet left as a UFA in the offseason, so this deal was hardly earth-shattering. But you could make a good case that it was the difference between the Capitals making or missing the playoffs.

9. Mike Smith to Tampa Bay in 2008

The goalie: Long before he was the 39-year-old expected to save the Oilers season, Smith was a promising 25-year-old goalie with 44 career appearances. He’d played well, even making the all-rookie team in 2007.

The trade: On the very same day as the Huet trade, the Stars included Smith in a package that also featured Jussi Jokinen, Jeff Halpern and a pick to pry Brad Richards and Johan Holmqvist away from the Lightning.

The results: Smith struggled when he first arrived in Tampa, but established himself as the starter for most of the next three years. In all, we won over 100 games for the rebuilding Lightning, helping them get back to the playoffs. He’d depart as a free agent in 2011, leaving the Lightning with a need for a new long-term goaltender that they’d end up addressing a little later in this list.

>> Read the full post at The Athletic

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Grab Bag: Trade deadline rumors, when goalies get traded and breaking down some awkward NHL ads

In the Friday Grab Bag:
- The DGB spies report in on all the trade deadline news from around the league
- An idea for goalies who get traded
- An obscure player who fits the theme of the day
- The week's three comedy stars
- And a look back at the NHL's awkward mid-90s ad campaign of "all our stars are huge jerks"

>> Read the full post at The Athletic

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Puck Soup: Rage Against the (Russian) Machine

In this week's episode of the Puck Soup podcast:
- Alexander Ovechkin chases Wayne Gretzky's goal-scoring record
- The Sabres situation just keeeps getting worse
- The Lightning look unstoppable
- The Leafs and Kings swing a trade
- Ryan gets Rage Against the Machine tickets
- I have to take part in an Oscars quiz, and lots more...

>> Stream it now:

>> Or, listen on The Athletic or subscribe on iTunes.

>> Get weekly mailbags and special bonus episodes by supporting Puck Soup on Patreon for $5.

Podcast: Meeting of the minds

In this week's episode of Biscuits, the Vice Sports hockey podcast:
- The GMs gather for the annual meeting, and oh god that means we have to talk about interference again
- Everyone's mad at Colin Campbell for saying goalies embellish even though he's right
- Why do the GMs get to decide the rules anyway?
- Dave came up with 42 ways to fix the NHL; I have a few objections
- The Hurricanes go cheap on their hunt for a new GM
- The great Hart Trophy war of 2018 drags on with no end in sight
- I am repeatedly accused of being a Habs fan
- Reader questions and lots more

>> Stream it now:

>> Or, subscribe on iTunes.

Saturday storylines: Last-minute shopping

Tonight brings a packed schedule featuring the maximum 15 games, as the league crams in as much action as possible before shutting down the schedule for three days over the holidays. The Flames are the lucky team that gets the extra night off, while the country’s other six teams are in action, including one all-Canadian matchup. We’ll start there.

HNIC Game of the Night: Canadiens at Oilers

When these two teams met in Montreal two weeks ago, we wrote about how their respective struggles had dominated so much of the early season storytelling. That game seemed to represent a chance for one team to earn a big win, maybe even the kind that can launch them down the long road back into playoff contention.

It was the Oilers who got it, thumping the Canadiens by a 6-2 final to earn their fourth win in six games, while sending Montreal to their third straight loss. And while Oilers sputtered to a 1-0 loss in Toronto the next night, they’ve won four of five since and are currently riding their first three-game win streak of the season. Meanwhile, the Canadiens won three of their next four.

#Oilers Cam Talbot has now won 6 straight starts, going 6-0-0 with a 2.14 GAA & .922 SV%. pic.twitter.com/oAn6WW8kw1

— Sportsnet Stats (@SNstats) December 22, 2017

Two weeks after the meeting, both teams are largely in the same place they were before, with the Habs chasing the Bruins and the Oilers still looking up at a long list of teams out West. So let’s call this take two. Who needs the win the most? And more importantly, who can’t afford to go into the holidays without a point?

On paper, the Canadiens are still in slightly tougher shape. They’ve lost ground to the Bruins lately, partly due to Boston finally make up some of those games in hand they’ve been holding over the rest of the division. And while Montreal is sitting in fourth place in the Atlantic, they’re now trailing the entire Metro, meaning the wildcard isn’t in the picture for now. They’re also in the midst of a brutal seven-game road trip, and with Shea Weber’s foot injury seeming more and more like it could be a long-term concern, the immediate picture looks cloudy. It wouldn’t take more than a loss or two combined with Bruin wins before that third Atlantic spot started to drift out of reach.

As for the Oilers, they’d need to play at a 106-point pace over the season’s last 47 games to get to the 95-point mark that we typically think of as the playoff finish line. That would be daunting for any team, especially one that’s still plugging along under the .500 mark, but the Oilers have the talent to make it happen. But with six teams to pass, they’re running out of time to flip the switch. Like the Habs, it wouldn’t take much of a short-term slump to torpedo the long-term hopes.

After slow starts, neither team has much of a margin of error to work with here. It’s cliché to talk about games where both teams need a win, as if there are many games where one team would be fine with a loss. But sometimes, both team really need a win, and with a break in the schedule looming, this would seem to be one of those games.

Of course, they’re not the only ones…

>> Read the full post at Sportsnet

Grab bag: Leaked emails, dramatic refs, and the Sabres get foolish

In the Friday Grab Bag:
- What's in the NHL's email leak -- and what isn't
- A referee gets dramatic with this goal call
- An obscure Masterton winner
- The week's three comedy stars
- And in the YouTube breakdown, April Fools Day means a 1990 Sabres broadcast gets truly weird

>> Read the full post at Vice Sports

Other hidden NHL injuries revealed

Marchand and Ference star in a scene from the
summer's hilarious new comedy, Weekend At Bergie's.

The NHL playoffs have ended, which means everyone can start coming clean about all the injuries they've been hiding. After months of "upper body" this and "lower body" that, fans finally get to learn the real truth behind the injuries that were hampering certain players.

One player making headlines because of an injury revelation is Patrice Bergeron of the Boston Bruins. We already knew that he was playing through a separated shoulder, damaged cartilage and a broken rib during the Stanley Cup Final. On Wednesday we learned that he'd also been admitted to a local hospital with a small hole in his lung.

While Bergeron is an extreme case, he's far from the only one in the hockey world who's been hiding a health problem. Here are some of the other NHL players and personalities who've recently revealed the injuries they've been suffering from:

Jarome Iginla - Probably has a badly injured foot, neighbors say, since he's constantly speeding down the street in his Delorean then jumping out and kicking the fender while yelling "Take me back to the trade deadline, damn you!"

Roberto Luongo - Has been suffering from a severe blister on the finger he uses to hit refresh on his Google search for "Did I get bought out yet"?

Greg Sherman - Admits to dealing with some frost bite during the last month spent scouting rec players at outdoor games in Iceland, but hey, if this trip wasn't super important then Joe Sakic and Patrick Roy wouldn't have sent the general manager to handle it, right?

Sidney Crosby - Must have had some sort of relapse and had to have his jaw rewired shut, based on how he clenches his teeth and just stares at you silently when you ask him if he thinks the Penguins can win another Cup with Marc-Andre Fleury in net.

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Inside Gary Bettman's New Year's Eve party

The balloon didn't stop floating all night,
so they nicknamed it "Ovechkin".

Scene: Saturday night, shortly before midnight, in a spacious home in New York. NHL commissioner Gary Bettman is welcoming guests for his annual New Year's Eve party. Deputy commissioner Bill Daly arrives.

Bill Daly: Hi Gary… thanks for the invite. How's the party going?

Gary Bettman: So far so good. It got off to a rough start when Ilya Bryzgalov tried to convince everyone that it was a waste of time to celebrate the passage of a single year from within the unfathomably vast history of the cosmos. But we had Milan Lucic take a run at him, and ever since then it's been smooth sailing.

Daly: Nice. Mind if I help myself to some punch?

Bettman: Of course, be my guest.

Daly: Thanks pal. Uh, do you have any ice?

Dan Craig (appearing suddenly): I'm on it!

Craig reaches into a container with a small pair of tongs and selects several immaculately formed ice cubes, which he proceeds to inspect with a jeweler's eyepiece.

Daly: So… do you just make the ice for every NHL event?

Craig: It's in my contract.

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Other complaints about Brendan Shanahan

Despite an entertaining first week of action on the ice, it seems like all anyone wants to talk about these days is Brendan Shanahan. After an initial honeymoon period that faded quickly, the NHL's senior vice-president of player safety and hockey operations has come under heavy fire over his recent rulings on player discipline.

Don Cherry has been the highest profile critic of Shanahan's harsher approach to suspensions, but he's certainly not alone. Media reports have indicated that at least some general managers are uncomfortable with Shanahan's rulings, and plenty of fans have voiced their concerns as well.

At the very least, you might assume that his discipline decisions are the only area where Shanahan is feeling the heat. But you'd be wrong. According to my top secret sources, there's a long list of issues and grievances with Shanahan that date back to the early days of his career.

Here's a sample of some of the hockey world's other complaints about Brendan Shanahan.

• In a cruel practical joke, spent his entire rookie year with the Devils whispering moronic coaching strategies into the ear of sleeping roommate John MacLean.
  
  
• Completely screwed up his shootout attempt at the Nagano Olympics when he failed to be Wayne Gretzky.
  
  
• Has been an NHL VP for almost two years now and has spent lots of time with Gary Bettman, yet has apparently still not taken him aside and convinced him to stop doing that "get overly defensive and make the whole press conference uncomfortable" thing.
  
  
• Whenever I get a penalty I don't agree with and then do the secret signal where I tug on my ear three times in the penalty box, the referee still has a job the next day. (Submitted by Gregory Campbell.)
  

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Brendan Shanahan's video message to NHL players

After weeks of near-unanimous praise, the hockey world seems to have turned on Brendan Shanahan. He's been criticized by various media, anonymous GMs and Don Cherry, and many fans are starting to wonder whether he's really an improvement over Colin Campbell.

To his credit, Shanahan doesn't seem to be letting the negativity get to him. From all accounts, he's shrugged off the criticism as an unpleasant but inevitable part of the job. And he's standing by his rulings, pointing out more than once that they're consistent with the introductory video he sent to all NHL players before the season began.

But while we've all heard about this infamous video, nobody outside the league had seen it... until now. DGB spies were able to get their hands on a copy, and let's just say it's not quite what we were expecting.

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Colin Campbell's video explanation of the Matt Cooke/Marc Savard decision

New NHL discipline boss Brendan Shanahan has been making headlines all week, handing out several lengthy suspensions to players such as Jody Shelley and James Wisniewski. Most observers are heralding the decisions, and the video explanations that go with them, as a sign of a bold new way of doing things.

But while Shanahan certainly deserves credit for coming down hard on offenders, I'm a little perplexed by all the excitement over his videos. After all, he's just borrowed the idea from his predecessor, Colin Campbell, who had his own series of videos explaining his decisions.

For example, who could forget this video explaining his decision in the Matt Cooke/Marc Savard game?

It all makes so much sense now...

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Gary Bettman's Labor Day BBQ

They actually just repackaged the same
tools that Leaf fans got tired of two years ago.

Scene: A spacious backyard. Various hockey personalities are milling around, enjoying one final summer BBQ. The host wearing a "Kiss The Commissioner" apron, and greeting the guests as they arrive.

Gary Bettman: Colie, it's great to see you. Glad you could make it.

Colin Campbell: Oh, you know I'd never miss a Gary Bettman party. How's it going so far?

Bettman: Not bad. My world famous potato salad is a big hit.

Campbell: That's great. But shouldn't somebody have laid out all the paper plates and cutlery by now?

Bettman: Yeah, one of the players said they would do it.

Campbell: Well, whoever it was, they got started and then only finished about two-thirds of the job.

Bettman: They did what... uh oh. Sigh. Um, Brad?

Brad Richards (casually wandering by): Yeah Gary?

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Winners and losers at the 2011 NHL draft

I'm not saying it was a weak draft, but at #8
overall the Flyers took a kid with no arms.

This year's NHL draft turned out to be one of the busiest in recent memory. The days leading up to the event saw several blockbuster trades, and the wheeling and dealing continued over the weekend as teams exchanged picks and players.

In between the trade announcements, there was also a draft going on. While most of the 211 players chosen won't make an NHL impact, it's probably safe to say that each team walked away from the weekend thinking they've improved. Of course, only time will tell which ones were right.

How much time? Three days sounds about right. So let's start the evaluation process now, with a look at which teams came out of the weekend ahead and which ones may have taken a step back.

Winner: Florida Panthers - General manager Dale Tallon went into the draft with a roster that was short on top-tier talent and well under the NHL's salary floor, and acquiring Brian Campbell certainly helps with one of those problems.

Loser: Colorado Avalanche - Winger Gabriel Landeskog had been widely heralded as being mature beyond his years, which unfortunately was proven correct fifteen minutes after the draft when he announced that he was retiring to spend more time with his grandchildren.

Winner: Ottawa Senators - By trading for Nikita Filatov, filled that glaring "enigmatic Russian that Senator fans will dramatically over-rate for three games before permanently turning against" void.

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The other former star players interviewed for Colin Campbell's job

My very own copy of the flowchart? Awesome!

The NHL surprised fans on Wednesday when they announced that controversial disciplinarian Colin Campbell would resign his post and be replaced by Brendan Shanahan.

Shanahan is a natural choice for the job, but sources tell me he wasn't the only candidate. It turns out that several other star players from Shanahan's era were interviewed, and I've managed to obtain a top secret transcript of the proceedings.

Scene: Gary Bettman's office.

Gary Bettman: Well Brendan, that wraps up the interview. And I think Colin and I can agree that you completely nailed it.

Brendan Shanahan: Hey, thanks guys.

Colin Campbell: You're a perfect fit for this job. But before we can make it official, we do have some other candidates to interview.

Bettman: Yeah, you know how it is. We need to make sure everyone gets a chance to speak with us. After all, you're not the only former NHL star who might be interested in the job.

Shanahan: Oh. OK, I guess that makes sense.

Bettman: Great, thanks for understanding. (Into phone intercom): Send in Jeremy Roenick.

Female voice on intercom: Right away, sir.

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Surprises from the NHL's brief filed in the NFL labour dispute

Everyone who's really serious about
reducing concussions, raise your hand...

Football fans are having a rough off-season. With a messy NFL labour dispute heading into its third month with no end in sight, fans now have reason to fear that the league may lose part of the upcoming season to a work stoppage, if not the entire year.

Of course, that's a feeling hockey fans know all too well. And this week, the NHL found itself linked to the football labour dispute in a more concrete way. The league reportedly made an appearance in the protracted courtroom battle between the NFL and it's decertified players association, filing a legal brief urging a judge to side with the owners.

The move caught many observers off-guard, and raised an obvious question: What sort of insight could the NHL really have to offer into football's problems?

Plenty, as it turns out. I managed to obtain a top secret copy of the NHL's brief, and found that it contains detailed advice that NFL owners will no doubt find invaluable. Here's a selection of highlights from the filing:

• The cover page of the document has a note in what appears to be NFL commissioner Roger Goodell's handwriting reading "Should I have heard of these guys?"
  
  
• The brief contains a lengthy section titled "How to keep a straight face if the players start to swear that they'll never accept a hard salary cap."
  
  
• The league includes a helpful suggestion that the NFL consider generating some publicity by holding an outdoor game at a football stadium.
  
  
• From force of habit, the brief includes multiple references to the Winnipeg Cardinals.
  

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The official map of an NHL rink

NHL fans learned something new this week when Colin Campbell revealed the existence of a "hitting zone" behind the net where, apparently, headshots are legal.

This got me to wondering: what else don't we know about the NHL rink? So I dug into my old cartography library, and came up with this original map that lays it all out:

Download this

It all makes sense now...

Matt Cooke's suspension hearing: The top secret transcript

Hey Matt, I've lost count, how
many suspensions is that now?

Scene: The NHL's head office, inside a window-lined boardroom with "Department of Supplemental Discipline" written on the door. Colin Campbell, Mike Murphy and Gary Bettman sit at one end of a large table, with Matt Cooke and Mario Lemieux at the other.

Colin Campbell: Hi Matt. Welcome to the hearing. Did you have any trouble finding a parking spot?

Matt Cooke: Nah, I just parked out front in the "Reserved for Matt Cooke" space.

Campbell: Great. So I've watched the replay of this Ryan McDonagh hit a dozen times. It sure looks like you're intentionally targeting a defenceless opponent with a flagrant elbow to the head. How can you possibly defend your actions?

Cooke: Um... it was an accident?

Campbell: An accident.

Cooke (hesitantly): ... Yes?

A long pause. Campbell stares at Cooke intently before finally breaking the silence.

Campbell: Great, well thanks for clearing that up. Zero games. Sorry for troubling you.

Campbell and Murphy begin gathering up their papers and prepare to leave the room. Cooke looks around in confusion.

Gary Bettman: Uh, everyone? Could we hold on just a second? Maybe we could talk about this one a little more?

Campbell and Murphy stop in the doorway.

Campbell: Well, sure, I guess. If you want to.

Bettman: You know, just since we have the room booked and all.

Campbell (returning to his seat): OK. Well, since I've already subjected Matt to in-depth questioning... Mario, do you have anything to say?

Mario Lemieux: Do I have to?

Campbell: Yes.

Lemieux (sighing): Fine. Look, he's on my team. He's one of my players, technically. So... you know... don't suspend him, I guess.

Campbell: That's very helpful, thanks.

Lemieux: I need to leave now.

Lemieux bolts out the door.

Campbell: Thanks Mario. Our next witness is scheduled to be... hmm, what does it say on my sheet here... "a world-renowned and completely impartial hockey expert, named... Dr. Wario Mellieux".

A man who looks oddly like Mario Lemieux wearing a moustache made out of duct tape walks into the room.

Campbell: Dr. Mellieux, your thoughts?

Mellieux: Matt Cooke is an abomination, a scumbag, an embarrassment, everything that's wrong with the game. I hate him. He should be banned for life.

Cooke: Dude...

Mellieux: And also, he shouldn't count against the salary cap while he's suspended.

They're interrupted by a figure poking his head in the door.

Trevor Gillies: You wanted to see me, Colin?

Campbell: Uh... no.

Gillies (looking down at a newspaper with headline reading "Hockey's biggest cheapshot artist facing suspension yet again"): Oh. Oops, my mistake.

Campbell: No problem Trevor. Talk to you in a few weeks.

Gillies: Sure thing. By the way, whoever's driving the Mercedes Benz with the "MARIO66" vanity plates, I smashed into it from behind. Sorry.

Mellieux: Son of a...

Delivery guy (entering room): OK, who ordered the large pizza with extra cheese and...

Matt Cooke leaps to his feet and begins elbowing the delivery guy repeatedly in the head.

Bettman: Matt...

Cooke: Oops... my bad. Sorry everyone. Force of habit.

Bettman: Don't worry about it. Hey, at least you didn't slam his face into a stanchion!

Zdeno Chara (poking his head through a window): I heard that!

Cooke: Aren't we on the third floor?

Bettman: Never mind that. Look Matt, your hit was very dangerous, but you're here to defend yourself. So go ahead, tell us why we shouldn't throw the book at you.

Cooke: Look, I know I've made mistakes. I'm a physical player and yes, I step over the line sometimes. But so do lots of players, and most of them don't get big suspensions.

Campbell: Exactly. I went easy on Dany Heatley and Brad Marchand, and I didn't suspend Chara at all...

Mellieux (under his breath): Or that jerk who took out Marc Savard.

Campbell: Shush. The point is, plenty of players do dirty things without getting suspended. Why start getting tough now, right?

Cooke: Exactly! I mean, honestly, is hitting one guy in the head really any more dirty that smashing a guy in the face repeatedly with your elbow pad, the way Gregory Campbell did against Montreal...

The room immediately goes silent.

Cooke: Uh... I mean...

Everyone is too horrified to speak.

Campbell (calmly): I'm sorry, Matt, could you repeat that? Any more dirty than who?

Cooke (deer in headlights): Uh... uh...

Campbell (nonchalantly rolling up his sleeves): Everyone leave the room please.

Murphy sprints for the door. Dr. Mellieux leaves his chair spinning, while Bettman leaps over the table. The pizza delivery guy struggles to commando-crawl out the door, which is then quickly slammed and padlocked shut. The group huddles fearfully in the hallway for several moments.

Campbell (from inside the room): Incoming!

An airborne Matt Cooke smashes through the window and lands in the hallway. Campbell steps through the broken glass and pauses over Cook's dazed body.

Campbell (dusting himself off): When he comes to, tell him he's done until the second round of the playoffs. After all, we have to send a message that there are certain lines that just can't be crossed.

---

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Tips for dominating the NHL All-Star fantasy draft

You finish the bottle, Alex.
I prefer to drink from a cup.

The NHL is gearing up for the first ever All-Star Game player draft, to be held next Friday in Carolina. The innovative format will see two captains appointed this week who will choose the teams for the skills competition and all-star game in a schoolyard style draft.

The draft concept has never been tried before, and it remains to be seen how much strategy the players will actually put into it. Still, fans are no doubt hoping that the two captains will spend hours agonizing over their cheat sheets, just like we do before our own fantasy drafts.

It probably won't happen that way, but just in case here are some tips for building a winning team.

A half dozen to target
These six players could be well-suited for the weekend's events, and should be moved up draft boards.

Phil Kessel - Will finally have a chance to shake his reputation as a lazy and one-dimensional player, thanks to casual fans who mistake him for Ryan Kesler.

Tobias Enstrom - Selecting him pretty much ensures that your squad will earn a narrow 1-0 victory in the skills competition's "Correctly pick Tobias Enstrom out of a police lineup" event.

Alexander Ovechkin - Has apparently been saving up all his "marquee event" success for this one game, based on his recent performances in the playoffs, Winter Classic and the Olympics.

Erik Karlsson - All-star games are often criticized for featuring porous goaltending, lacklustre back-checking, and players who can't even be bothered to pretend that they care about the outcome, so Karlsson's basically already played in 40 of them this year.

Matt Duchene - Was born in 1991, so he won't be weighed down by memories of when All-Star weekend didn't need a bunch of gimmicks to make it entertaining.

Gregory Campbell - No, he's not technically one of the players selected for the game. But let's just say he'd be a smart sleeper pick for any captains who were thinking that it might be nice to cross-check David Steckel in the head the next time they saw him without getting suspended, Sidney.

A half dozen to stay away from
These players, although talented, should probably be avoided on draft night.

David Backes - Could put his team in penalty trouble, since things like "back checking" and "shot blocking" and "breaking a sweat" are all automatic five-minute majors in all-star competition.

Jarome Iginla - May have trouble adjusting, as he has almost entirely forgotten what it's like to play with halfway decent teammates.

Steven Stamkos - May help his team during the game, but could seriously hurt your chances during the skills competition's "Actually manage to stay upright during a penalty shot" event.

Brad Richards - If you draft him, you're just going to end up spending the rest of the weekend denying media reports that he's about to be traded to other team.

Mike Green - Yeah, good luck making it to the arena on a scooter in Nascar country.

Carey Price - Is unlikely to have the opportunity to do his infamous arms-crossed pose during the game, since he typically only does that after making a save.

A few final words of advice
Keep these general strategy tips in mind to ensure your draft goes smoothly.

• If you're drafting second, do not point out that simply alternating picks is unfair and that each side should really get back-to-back picks after round one. You're right, but nobody wants to hear about it, Pythagoras.
  
  
• Early on, loudly ask if Evgeni Malkin has been taken, wait for everyone to scratch him off their lists, then choose somebody else instead and pick Malkin 10 rounds later. This has worked in every hockey draft ever held.
  
  
• Be aware that if they wind up on different teams, the mischievous Sedin twins might try to switch places during the game as a light-hearted practical joke. Avoid this possibility by drafting one, then immediately pinning him to the ground and scrawling "Henrik" on his forehead with a prison-style homemade tattoo gun. (Note: Bonus points if you do this after drafting Daniel.)
  
  
• Finally, remember that the draft will be televised, so there's a good chance that Patrik Elias' family will be watching. A few times during the first 41 picks, be sure to act like you're really considering taking him before you go ahead and choose a player who's still good.