Grantland grab bag: Stay classy, naked gladiator guy

In this week's grab bag: Don Cherry vs. the women, the Senators' pre-game gladiator is the YouTube clip of the week, playoff outrage, and a very important message to hockey fans who tell people to "stay classy".

>> Read the full post on Grantland

Why are the Ottawa Senators losing money?

Melnyk was devastated to learn the post
would not include any Heatley jokes.

According to news reports, the Ottawa Senators lost money this season for the second year in a row. When I first read that, I assumed it was a mistake. I'm sure most of you did too.

After all, the game is booming in Canada. TV ratings are soaring, the dollar is strong, and there's even talk of adding more teams in the Great White North. How is it possible that a team in a city that unironically calls itself "Hockey Country" could be losing money?

Unfortunately, it's true. And after crunching some numbers and holding off-the-record discussions with several front office staff, I think I know why.

• That whole "Alexei Kovalev will act like he vaguely gives a crap or your money back" promotion was probably a bad idea.
  
  
• Foolishly bet Mike Fisher $100 that he wouldn't have the guts to ask out the next former reality show C-lister who walked through the door.
  
  
• Probably should have listened to Andy Sutton and ensured that financial advisors were, in fact, experts.
  
  
• Fans must remember that markets like Toronto and Montreal have certain geographical advantages, such as a larger population base, a more established business community, and an arena that's actually accessible by paved roads.
  
  
• Were stuck paying Jonathan Cheechoo's $3.5 million annual salary, which over the course of the entire season worked out to $7 million per goal.
  
  
• Owner Eugene Melnyk in unconcerned about profits and won't hesitate to spend money because he is completely committed to bringing a championship to the city of Ottawa, or at least that's what he told everyone when he showed up for that one game five months ago.
  
  
• It gets expensive sending a new floral arrangement to Matt Carkner's widow every time Colton Orr comes to town.
  
  
• What, you think designing a new uniform every three months is free?
  
  
• Every time he sees the "how acquired" line in Chris Campoli's media guide bio, Bryan Murray throws another plasma TV through the press box window.
  
  
• The dismissal of longtime club president Roy Mlakar had a devastating impact on revenues from the office swear jar.
  
  
• An increasingly desperate desire to please fans lead to an irresponsible series of costly giveaways. (Wait, I'm sorry, that was meant for the list of "Reasons the Senators should trade Jason Spezza".)
  
  
• For several games in December, briefly exceeded operations budget by hiring a second goddamned parking lot attendant.
  
  
• Are still paying the buyout on the Crazy Fat Motivational Gladiator Guy's contract.
  
  
• What can we say, elite goaltending ain't cheap.
  
  
• Gosh, we have no idea. After all, Ottawa is such an amazing sports town.
  
  
• That futuristic biomechanical exoskeleton we had to install in Daniel Alfredsson after the Mark Bell hit takes like a million batteries.
  
  
• In hindsight, Spartacat's "Crowned Rack of Lamb with Saffron Rice and Apricot-Mint Sauce Master Blaster" probably would have still been popular if we'd just used hot dogs.
  

Etiquette tips for the Jason Spezza wedding

The happy couple.

The big talk in Ottawa this week has been about the Jason Spezza wedding, and the question of how the media should handle an appearance by Dany Heatley. Local media debated the delicate question of whether it was appropriate to use the occasion to ask Heatley about his trade demands.

That question is moot now, since Heatley has decided not to show up. But the wedding will still be a major social event featuring plenty of NHL personalities, and that means there will be any number of etiquette questions that attendees may need help sorting through.

I know that several DGB readers are planning to attend this weekend's ceremony. So to help avoid any embarrassment, here's a handy etiquette guide. Feel free to print it out and take it with you.

No matter how adorable he looks in his little tuxedo, DO NOT tell Cory Clouston that you're sure he'll do a great job as ring boy.

DO NOT linger and stare at Wade Redden as he hands out programs at the front door, even though it will be the first time you've seen him actually do anything in two years.

If you see a hockey player who's sobbing and crying constantly, DO NOT assume that they're overcome with the emotion of the ceremony. It could also be Sidney Crosby.

When Bryan Murray is invited up to do the traditional readings from Ephesians, Colossians and Ecclesiastes, DO put on your raincoat.

When Spezza makes his vow to remain forever faithful, DO NOT laugh when Daniel Alfredsson leans over and whispers "I guarantee it".

DO be understanding if there's confusion on the groom's side during the exchange of rings. Remember, they're Ottawa Senators -- none of them have ever seen a ring before.

When the minister delivers his sermon on the importance of honoring commitments, DO NOT interrupt him to point out that the phrase "overpaid, one-eyed, gap-toothed, cherry picking glory boy" does not actually appear in the bible.

If you see Brian Burke at the reception, DO alert security. He wasn't invited, he just automatically shows up anywhere he thinks there might be a live microphone.

DO NOT get stuck behind Kyle Wellwood in the buffet line. This isn't really etiquette, but it will prevent you from starving to death.

Occasional place setting mixups are to be expected at a crowded reception. DO NOT make a big deal out of the fact that everyone has a cup except Marian Hossa.

No matter how nice his tuxedo looks, DO NOT ask Mike Comrie which ventriloquist supply store he got it at.

If you are seated next to Mike Fisher and Carrie Underwood, DO NOT repeatedly refer to her as "the poor man's Jessica Simpson". One time is enough.

If the bride informs you that they're planning an extended honeymoon in August, DO NOT create an awkward situation by turning to Spezza and saying "Wait, won't that interfere with you attending the Canadian Olympic team training camp?"

If you run into Martin Gerber at the reception, DO NOT ask him if he enjoyed the ceremony. He's actually just there to bus tables.

If you are Eugene Melnyk, no matter how much you want to create a sense of excitement and team spirit, DO NOT hire the gladiator guy to stand next to Spezza's honeymoon bed shouting "RISE UP!"

Oh sweet god make it stop

Remember that post yesterday about how the Senators should come up with their own traditions?

Yeah, turns out I was wrong. The Ottawa Senators should never, ever try to be creative. Never.

This is from last night.



I can't figure out what I like best:

• The "WTF" look on the players' faces at the very beginning
  
• The way his mic keeps cutting out
  
• His helmet almost falling off a minute in
  
• The Penguins/refs coming out towards the end, causing the crowd to boo right when he's hitting the "rise up" climax
  
• His speech being taped to the inside of his shield
  

I take it all back, Ottawa. You go ahead and steal whatever you need to steal. Let's never speak of this again.