That Eugene Melnyk video: The top-secret transcript

It’s​ almost 24​ hours later, and​ hockey​ fans around​ the league are still talking​​ about The Video.

You know the one. Late Monday night, the Ottawa Senators unveiled a video featuring owner Eugene Melnyk being interviewed by defenceman Mark Borowiecki. It was meant as an opportunity for Melnyk to finally lay out a long-term vision for the team’s future. But not everyone was impressed, partly due to Melnyk’s message and partly because the video struck many as, in the words of colleague James Gordon, “deeply weird”.

One element that’s come in for some criticism is the choice to have Borowiecki handle the interview duties. But while it may surprise some of the team’s more cynical fans, the Senators actually put a lot of thought into that decision. In fact, we’ve been told that the club even held auditions to make sure they nailed the best choice possible for the role. And as luck would have, DGB spies were there to record the top-secret transcript.

---

Director: And… CUT!

Mark Borowiecki: Whew. Was that OK?

Director: That was great, Mark. You did fantastic. But Eugene and I were talking, and we’d like to bring in a few other folks from around the hockey world to audition for the interviewer’s role.

Eugene Melnyk: Yeah, we’re just not sure that having an actual Senator do the interview is going to look good. Might seem a little softball-y, you know?

Borowiecki: Sure, I guess that makes sense.

Director: Thanks for understanding. Feel free to stick around while we run through a few more auditions. OK, first up is, let’s see … Henrik Zetterberg.

Zetterberg: Hi everyone.

Melnyk: Wow, thanks for coming out Henrik.

Zetterberg: Hey, my pleasure. I always wanted to try out this whole interviewing thing. Gives me something to do in retirement, you know.

Melnyk: You’re retired?

Zetterberg: Uh…

[Ken Holland appears in the window, making a throat-slash gesture.]

Zetterberg: Something to do while I’m injured. You know, as I work my way back from injury so that I can resume my playing duties under my contract without triggering any cap penalties. Which is totally what I’m doing.

[Holland does the eye-point move.]

Zetterberg [under his breath]: Yzerman’s totally replacing you.

Melnyk: What was that?

Zetterberg: Nothing. You know what, this may have been a bad idea.

Marc Bergevin: Did I hear somebody say “bad idea”?

>> Read the full post at The Athletic

Podcast: We have a trade to announce

In this week's episode of Biscuits, the Vice Sports hockey podcast:
- We react to the Phaneuf/Gaborik deal
- Did Jim Benning deserve his extension?
- Dave is a big baby about Team Canada beating Team USA in women's hockey, which is weird because you'd think he'd be used to it
- Islanders fans are trying to get Garth Snow fired
- The Oilers hang a banner for their fan-voted best team ever
- Reader questions and lots more

>> Stream it now:

>> Or, subscribe on iTunes.

The five best trade deadlines by eventual Stanley Cup winners

Only one team ever truly “wins” trade deadline day, and it’s the team that goes on to capture the Stanley Cup.

That’s what they say, anyway. It seems like a pretty simplistic way of looking at things, if we’re being honest, since all a GM can ever be realistically asked to do is to put his team in the best possible position to win. Nothing is ever guaranteed in life, and the idea that you’re retroactively wrong to have even tried unless everything works out perfectly seems a little fatalistic.

But either way, there is something special to be said for the GM who swings for the fences at the deadline and then sees it all pay off in a Stanley Cup parade a few months later. So today, let’s give the spotlight over to the few who’ve managed to pull it off. Here are the five best trade deadline week hauls by teams that went on to win the Stanley Cup that same season.

#5: Detroit Red Wings, 1997

The Red Wings have a fascinating trade deadline history. They’ve been good for so long that no team has had more opportunity to load up for deep playoff runs. And since GM Ken Holland virtually never makes deals during the first four months of the season, that leaves the Wings with lots of work to do most years at the deadline.

And they’ve had some big ones, although with mixed results. They landed Matthieu Schneider in 2003 and Robert Lang in 2004, plus Todd Bertuzzi in 2007 and Brad Stuart in 2008. In more recent years they’ve gone after guys like Kyle Quincey, David Legwand, Eric Cole and Marek Zidlicky. And they had one of the greatest “load up and go for it” deadlines of all-time back in 1999, when they pulled off the Chris Chelios blockbuster while also adding a who’s who of grizzled veterans, including Bill Ranford, Ulf Samuelsson and Wendel Clark. But that team didn’t win it all.

Instead, we’ll point back to far simpler deadline. Back in 1997, the Wings (then under the guidance of co-GMs Jimmy Devellano and Scotty Bowman) acquired future Hall of Famer Larry Murphy from the Maple Leafs. That’s it. That was the whole trade. The Leafs were embarking on a youth movement and wanted to unload the 36-year-old Murphy’s hefty salary, so they didn’t bother to ask for anything in return.

They say you can’t get something for nothing, but the Wings proved that wrong. In this case, that “something” turned out to be five more seasons of solid play from Murphy, including back-to-back Stanley Cup runs. It’s hard to do much better than that.

>> Read the full post at The Hockey News

The year in trades: How many of last season's deals actually worked out?

I miss trades. The NHL used to be a league filled with them, from small deals to major blockbusters. At any given time, there always seemed to be at least one major star on the verge of moving, sometimes several, and occasionally they’d all get swapped for each other. For a fan, it was all great fun.

But over the years, things began to change. The salary cap, among other factors, made player-for-player deals less common, and in recent years the midseason trade market had almost dried up completely. There were still plenty of minor deals, and even occasional blockbusters during the offseason, but once the season started we were lucky to get a handful of moves involving anyone the typical fan had ever heard of.

And then came the 2013-14 season, and the trade market was suddenly … well, not busy. But it was at least marginally active, with several big names being moved and even a few old-fashioned midseason blockbusters. Was there hope? Had the art of the deal finally returned?

It’s too early to tell. But the NHL has a well-established reputation as a copycat league, where owners and GMs of the also-rans continually look at what the winners are up to and yell “Let’s start doing that!” So if we want to know whether this year’s trade market was a blip or a trend, we have to start with this question: “Did any of those deals actually work out?”

So let’s find out. Here are 10 of the biggest trades that went down during the 2013-14 season, and whether they turned out to be worth it in hindsight.

Thomas Vanek, Version 1

The deal: On October 27, the Sabres sent Vanek to the Islanders for Matt Moulson, a first-round pick in either 2014 or 2015 (the Islanders chose to give up the 2015 pick), and a 2015 second-rounder. Buffalo retained some of Vanek’s salary.

At the time: Vanek was a pending free agent and seemed unlikely to want to re-sign with a Sabres team that was well into a scorched-earth rebuild. But while seeing him traded wasn’t a surprise, the destination was — the Islanders were a borderline playoff team at best, and they gave up a good player and two high picks to acquire a guy they didn’t even know if they could sign long term.

In hindsight: A disaster. Vanek played well enough, but the Islanders’ season tanked and they couldn’t work out an extension despite offering him far more money than he’d eventually wind up getting. The Islanders ended up having to cut their losses by trading him at the deadline, getting back far less than they paid for him (see below). Meanwhile, the Sabres traded (then later re-signed) Moulson and now own the Islanders’ top pick in a 2015 draft that could be one of the best in years.

Teachable moment: Don’t jump the gun on a rebuild. The Islanders haven’t won a playoff round since 1993, so you can understand some impatience, but they weren’t ready to make this sort of deal. In a way, you have to admire New York GM Garth Snow’s willingness to get aggressive when going after star players, but this move was too much too soon.

Ben Scrivens

The deal: On January 15, the Oilers acquired Scrivens from the Kings for a third-round pick.

At the time: The Kings had one goalie too many, because of the emergence of rookie Martin Jones. The Oilers had too few, because of them being the Oilers. So they added some relatively cheap depth.

In hindsight: It didn’t take long for Scrivens to have an impact — just two weeks after the trade, he put on one of the best goaltending performances in recent history. He also played well enough to allow the Oilers to completely change course in net. By the time the trade deadline rolled around, they’d traded away Ilya Bryzgalov and Devan Dubnyk and added Viktor Fasth. Heading into next season, Oilers fans may actually feel good about their goaltending for the first time in years.

Teachable moment: There are always goaltending bargains available. The depth of players at the position has never been better, so if you need an upgrade in net you can usually find one without paying a fortune. Why yes, that was ironic foreshadowing for our next entry – thanks for noticing.

>> Read the full post on Grantland

NHL offseason primer

Hey, remember when that one team won the Stanley Cup? Seemed like a good team; I think they wore black. I seem to recall something about a grumpy coach who took off his shirt during the parade, although that may have been a nightmare I had.

But it’s easy to forget all that these days. After all, the Stanley Cup final ended 10 days ago, and that’s quite a while in the NHL at this time of year. We’re now firmly into offseason mode, and the next few weeks are the busiest of the year for NHL front offices working toward reshaping their franchises.

By the end of next week, rosters around the league will look very different than they do right now. Some teams will have transformed themselves into contenders; others will tread water; and a special few will manage to ruin any chances they had.

Here’s a guide to what to look for between now and then.

Compliance Buyout Window

The first order of business is the buyout period, which has already started. Buyouts can fall into two categories, and while players can also be bought out the old-fashioned way, accompanied by a cap-hit penalty that lasts twice the number of years remaining on their deal, the real focus will be on compliance buyouts.

Last year’s CBA gave each team two compliance buyouts,¹ and this is the last year they can be used. A player who receives this kind of buyout still gets his money, but his cap hit disappears from the books.

It’s a two-step process, with players first needing to clear waivers before a team can make the buyout official. Several players hit the wire over the first few days, including Aaron Rome, Jordin Tootoo, and David Booth; we also saw the merciful end of the Ville Leino era in Buffalo. But the biggest news broke late last week.

First up came the Rangers’ buyout of Brad Richards, whose impending doom was an uncomfortable side plot of the Rangers’ Cup playoffs run. His age (34) and contract (six years left at a $6.67 million cap hit) made the move inevitable, and having his ice time cut in the final basically sealed the deal. He’ll land on his feet somewhere, but the Rangers really had no choice.

The Kings faced a similar dilemma with Mike Richards, although he was never the sure thing his Rangers namesake seems to be. But he owns a similar contract² and really seemed to have lost a step during the team’s playoff run. You’ll note that I said “owns,” as in present tense — the team eventually ended the speculation by announcing that it wouldn’t be buying him out.

That leaves a few more players still awaiting word on their fates, including:

Martin Havlat, San Jose Sharks: The onetime star was a healthy scratch during the playoffs and carries a cap hit of $5 million next year. On a team looking to make changes, this one’s an easy call. He’s gone.

Ryan Malone, Tampa Bay Lightning: Declining production mixed with problems off the ice and a $4.5 million cap hit mean that, like Havlat, he’s all but a sure thing.

Marc-Andre Fleury, Pittsburgh Penguins: If he’d struggled again in the playoffs, Fleury probably would have been another easy call. Instead, he played fine, and that could be enough for the Penguins to hold on to him. Pittsburgh has a new GM, and has indicated it may not use its buyouts at all. Also working in Fleury’s favor: His deal expires after next year.

The Trade Market

To some extent, the draft has replaced trade deadline day as the most likely source of blockbuster deals (with the added bonus of then seeing those deals awkwardly announced live by Gary Bettman). This year features an unusually high number of star players who could be moved. And you know what that means: Get ready to hear endless reports about teams wanting “a player, a pick, and a prospect.”

Here are five star players who could have new homes by Saturday:

>> Read the full post on Grantland

Grantland: Ten names to watch as we approach the trade deadline

We’re still two weeks away from the NHL’s April 3 trade deadline, but there’s a good chance action could pick up over the next few days. Recent history has shown a trend toward a quieter deadline day, with most of the bigger deals going down in advance. And because of this season’s modified post-lockout schedule, this week’s annual GM meetings are taking place before the deadline instead of after.

So now seems like a good time to get an early jump on the speculation with a look at 10 of the players who are showing up in trade chatter. Not all of them will be traded (let’s face it, there’s a decent chance none of the top players will), and we all may have moved on to 10 different guys by next week, but right now, these are some of the bigger names driving the rumor mill.

>> Read the full post at Grantland

Winners and losers from the 2012 NHL playoffs

"Wait. When coach said my ice time would
need to be much lower, maybe he meant..."

The Devils and Kings were at it again last night, with the Kings finally ending the series and claiming the first championship in franchise history. But while the Kings will understandably be dominating the league's headlines in the coming days, they're not the only team that's been busy over the past few months.

Between the three prior rounds of postseason play and all of the intrigue among teams that are already in off-season mode, there's been no shortage of news around the league since the season ended. After all, everyone wants to someday find themselves in the same spot the Kings and Devils were in last night, and they're willing to do whatever it takes to get there.

Of course, not every move turns out to be the right one. Here's a look at the some of the names that have been making news over the past two months, both positive and negative.

Winner: Tomas Vokoun, Pittsburgh Penguins - His new job as the backup to Marc-Andre Fleury is a perfect fit for an aging veteran coming off of an injury, since it means he won't have to play in any playoff games until six or seven minutes in.

Loser: Ilya Bryzgalov, Philadelphia Flyers - Had hoped to use this season to finally establish himself as a top-tier playoff goaltender, so will probably be devastated when someone eventually gets around to telling him that the Flyers were eliminated four weeks ago.

Winner: Tampa Bay Lightning - Their Norfolk Admirals farm team won the AHL's Calder Cup while gaining invaluable experience, such as figuring out how to pause the game, access the options and menu and turn offsides off.

Loser: Brendan Shanahan - Showed poor taste by having a fake Raffi Torres head mounted on the wall of his office, although you have to admit it's pretty neat how it occasionally blinks and whispers "please help me" in that oddly realistic way.

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Inside Gary Bettman's playoff pool draft

"What do you mean we need extra
chairs for your 18 assistants?"

Scene: Last Wednesday, hours before the start of the first playoff games. Gary Bettman and Brendan Shanahan are in a boardroom at the NHL head office, preparing for the league's annual office playoff pool draft.

They're joined by the GMs of several teams whose teams didn't make the postseason. Deputy commissioner Bill Daly is finishing up an explanation of the pool's rules.

Daly: And finally, you need to pick at least one goaltender. Or, if they've already all been taken, Marc-Andre Fleury.

Bettman: OK, time to pick the draft order. Bill, will you do the honors?

Daly shuffles through a baseball cap full of scraps of paper and pulls one out.

Daly: And the first draft pick goes to… the Edmonton Oilers!

Everyone stares at him.

Daly: Sorry, force of habit. The first pick goes to Gary Bettman.

Bettman: Oh goody! Let's see, who should I pick. There are ever so many choices, I have no idea who I'm going to…

He looks up and realizes that everyone has already crossed Sidney Crosby off their draft sheets.

Bettman (sheepishly): I pick Crosby.

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The DGB anonymous NHL player survey

Even though he desperately wanted
to ask if Dion was really overrated,
Phil was just too intimidated.

It seems like anonymous player surveys are all the rage these days. Everywhere you look, somebody is unveiling a new poll that claims to tell us what the players really think of today’s NHL.

First up to the plate was Sports Illustrated, which has been releasing individual questions from its survey over the course of the season. This weekend saw a new survey released, with the CBC and NHLPA revealing the results of their Hockey Night in Canada Player Poll.

Well, Sports Illustrated and Hockey Night in Canada may be well-respected within the hockey world, but I don’t see why they should have all the fun. And since NHL players apparently can’t turn down an opportunity to anonymously offer up their thoughts on the state of the game, I figured I’d send out my own survey. Here’s what the players had to tell me.

Which player has the hardest slapshot?
Shea Weber – 28%
Sheldon Souray - 15%
Zdeno Chara – 57%

Which player is the fastest skater?
Marion Gaborik – 33%
Michael Grabner – 10%
Zdeno Chara – 57%

Which player is the best goalie?
Henrik Lundqvist – 31%
Pekka Rinne – 12%
Zdeno Chara – 57%

Um, is Zdeno Chara standing right behind you as you fill out this survey?
No – 43%
He just cracked his knuckles. Next question! – 57%

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Great moments in all-star weekend history

Yeah but he only wore the glasses when he
was Clark Kent so it doesn't actually make
sense for you to... you know what, I'll shut up.

Another all-star weekend has come and gone, with the game's annual showcase wrapping up Sunday evening in Ottawa. By all accounts the various events were a rousing success, with hockey fans being treated to several memorable moments.

From Patrick Kane's Superman routine and Zdeno Chara's record-breaking slapshot at the skills competition to Marian Gaborik's hat trick and Daniel Alfredsson's highlight reel goals during the game itself, the weekend provided plenty of thrills that fans won't soon forget.

Those moments can be added to a growing list of all-star weekend memories that fans have filed away over the years. Here are a few more of the notable performances from the past 25 seasons that have left their mark on the game's history:

1988 - Mario Lemieux sets an all-star mark that still stands with six points including the overtime winner in a 6-5 victory. Experts agree that the record-breaking performance may have been even more dominant if the NHL hadn't chosen that year to debut its new format called "Everyone in the entire league against Mario Lemieux".

1990 - The skills competition makes its first appearance, although under a slightly different format that sees the entire three hours devoted to one hotly contested event known as "fluffiest mullet".

1993 - Al Iafrate sets a skills competition record with a 105.2 mph shot that's considered especially impressive given that he was using an old-fashioned wooden sticks, although in fairness it's also true that back then the "radar gun" was just an old man who'd get hit in the ribs with the shot and then yell out a random number.

1994 - After over a decade of mass confusion caused by impossibly obscure terms like "Wales" and "Campbell" the league switches to an East vs. West format that finally allows hockey to explode in popularity, according to Gary Bettman's imagination.

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Where will Brad Richards sign?

Free agency is just days away, and there's little question about who the big name is. Brad Richards of the Dallas Stars is easily the best player available, and is expected to receive substantial offers from several big market teams. Where will he end up signing? It's all a mystery.

Or maybe not. Fans that have paid attention to recent free agent patterns may already have a sense of how all this will turn out.

In fact, Bloge Salming and I can picture it now...

RSS readers, click here.

You can find more Bloge Salming videos at Houses of the Hockey and at blogesalming.com.

You can download an mp3 of this song here.

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A hockey fan's guide to the NFL

Hey Peyton, on a scale of one to ten
how popular is the NHL down there?

With the NHL season is still three weeks away, sports fans got a boost this weekend with the return of the NFL. By the beginning of next month, both leagues will be in full swing and often competing head-to-head.

But while the two leagues share a spot on the fall calendar, the similarities often end there. Football and hockey offer up vastly different products, with significant differences in rules, strategy and even terminology. It can all be very confusing for a hockey fan trying to keep tabs on professional football.

In an attempt to simplify things, I've compiled a hockey fan's guide to the NFL. Clip and save this handy list in case you find yourself getting confused in the weeks ahead.

NHL: Delusional Jets fans actually think their team has a chance of returning to Winnipeg.
NFL: Delusional Jets fans actually think their team has a chance of returning to the Super Bowl.

NFL: "Safety" refers to a player who lines up deep in the secondary and is responsible for covering passing plays.
NHL: "Safety" refers the act of not doing anything that might make Zdeno Chara angry.

NFL: Although they realize that it's probably unrealistic given the rate of injury, every player starts the season with the goal of playing in 16 games.
NHL: Rick DiPietro

NHL: Every year, fans can look forward to a gruelling two-month marathon known as "the Stanley Cup playoffs".
NFL: Every year, fans can look forward to a gruelling two-month marathon known as "Brett Favre decides whether or not he wants to play this year".

NFL: A "dime back" refers to a sixth defensive back, who enters the game on likely passing downs.
NHL: A "dime back" refers to what you'd better be ready to give Patrick Kane once he's paid you for his cab ride.

NFL: There are several teams in the southern United States, who regularly play in front of sold out crowds filled with rabid fans with a deep appreciation for the sport.
NHL: There are several teams in the southern United States.

NHL: "Dump and chase" refers to the strategy of shooting the puck deep into the opponent's zone and then attempting to retrieve it.
NFL: "Dump and chase" refers to a typical night in college for Najeh Davenport.

NFL: Teams will occasionally score from up to 60 yards away as the result of a play called "the Hail Mary".
NHL: Teams will occasionally score from up to 60 yards away as the result of a play called "playing against a team that employs Vesa Toskala".

NFL: "First and ten" refers to the down and distance at the start of an offensive drive.
NHL: "First and ten" would be Brian Burke's answer to the question "What kind of draft picks did you give up for Phil Kessel, and how many scouts did you fire afterwards?"

NHL: For decades, opponents of the Montreal Canadiens have been haunted by the ghosts of legendary players of the past.
NFL: For decades, fans of the Oakland Raiders have been haunted by the ghost of owner Al Davis.

NFL: "Bump and run" is a defensive technique that focuses on slowing down the receiver at the line of scrimmage.
NHL: "Bump and run" is Daniel Carcillo's strategy against any player who is tougher than Marion Gaborik.

NHL: John Madden is occasionally photographed cavorting shirtless in the back of a limo.
NFL: Oh good lord let's hope not.

NFL: "The Music City Miracle" refers to a last-second kickoff return that allowed the Tennessee Titans to advance in the playoffs.
NHL: "The Music City Miracle" refers to an Ottawa Senators third-liner managing to marry Carrie Underwood.

NHL: The Toronto Maple Leafs are often called "the Dallas Cowboys of the NHL".
NFL: The Dallas Cowboys are often called "the Toronto Maple Leafs of the NFL" by people who are trying to get Jerry Jones to hang himself.

NHL free agency through the years

With free agency season upon us, all eyes are focused on this year's crop of UFAs. Who'll get the best deal? Who'll bolt for the KHL? Which teams will improve, and which will be left on the sidelines?

We'll know soon enough. But in the meantime, let's remind ourselves of how unpredictable free agency can be by looking back at some notable signings from recent years.

Daniel and Henrik Sedin, Vancouver, 2009 - After signing a last-minute extension with the Canucks, the twins' plans to celebrate with a slice of that big cake that showed up on their doorstep that morning are ruined at 12:01 when Brian Burke awkwardly pops out of it.

Colton Orr, Toronto, 2009 - Orr becomes one of the highest paid enforcers in league history, thanks to a deal with Toronto that pays him a quarter for every time he punches Matt Carkner in the face.

Marion Gaborik, New York, 2009 - The Rangers sign the oft-injured star to a $37.5M deal. While other teams were willing to match the money, the Rangers were the only team to meet Gaborik's demands of a "no playoff-clinching shooutout" clause.

Brian Campbell & Cristobal Huet, Chicago, 2008 - The Blackhawks sign the pair to long-term contracts that most observers feel are significantly overpriced. While many fans fear the contracts will cripple the Hawks, the front office assures fans that the team will be able to stay under the salary cap thanks to careful roster management, judicious use of buyouts, or at least some other team eventually hiring Rick Dudley.

Thomas Vanek, Edmonton, 2007 - After an 84-point season, Vanek signs a $50M offer sheet with the Oilers which the Sabres are forced to match. After realizing how close he came to spending the rest of his career in Edmonton, a shaken Vanek vows to never risk attracting the Oilers' attention again by spending the next several seasons disguised as a second-liner.

Gary Roberts, Toronto, 2000 - Roberts agrees to terms with the Leafs, choosing their contract of just under $3M a season over the Senators' offer of "Oh god, sir, please don't hurt us, take whatever you want and just leave us alone".

Chris Drury and Scott Gomez, New York, 2007 - Upon learning that critics are calling the signings the worst free agent contracts that are even theoretically possible, Glen Sather mutters "we'll see about that" and circles Wade Redden's name with a yellow highlighter.

Sean Avery, Dallas, 2008 - Upon signing Avery, Stars general manager Brett Hull tells him "Hey, I know you're better known as a Ranger, but we don't mind picking up other teams' sloppy seconds. Ha ha! Um, why are you writing that down?"

Peter Forsberg, Philadelphia, 2005 - Coming out of the NHL lockout, Forsberg shuns the Avalanche to sign with the Flyers. "I really wanted to make the right decision," Forsberg tells reporters, "because I know that the experience of being an unrestricted free agent is one I'll only ever get to have once, maybe twice, per year, for the rest of my career."

Jason Blake, Toronto, 2007 - The Leafs agree to terms with Blake early in the day, although the actual contract signing is delayed several hours due to technical problems after it's discovered that John Ferguson Jr. had earlier tried to fax himself a grilled cheese sandwich.

2009-2010 Season Preview: The Northwest Division

As we count down the final days leading up to the 2009-10 regular season, let's take a look at each of the 30 teams with the official DGB Season Preview. Today, we look at the Northwest Division.

Edmonton Oilers

The good: At last count there were still at least 20 players in the NHL who don't have no-trade clauses, meaning Oilers can still field a complete roster.
The bad: The leaking of the names involves in the Heatley trade negotiations left guys like Dustin Penner twisting in the wind, or would have if it were physically possible to lift him off the ground.
Biggest question mark: Will injury-prone Nikolai Khabibulin respond well to a lighter workload in Edmonton, given that he won't have to ever play in the playoffs?
Fearless forecast: A frustrated Pat Quinn becomes the most popular coach in Oilers history when he extinguishes his cigar in Mike Comrie's eye.

Minnesota Wild

The good: Finally abandoned the trap and committed to playing a more free-flowing offensive system, meaning now the only member of the Wild who consistently puts people to sleep will be Derek Boogaard.
The bad: The loss of superstar Marion Gaborik could prove devastating to the hundreds of local health care workers who relied on him for full-time employment.
Biggest question mark: Will Niklas Backstrom's numbers take a hit now that he may be asked to occasionally face a shot on net?
Fearless forecast: You will accidentally refer to them as the "North Stars" every time you talk about them all year, which will be twice.

Calgary Flames

The good: Spent off-season conducting exhaustive search for the best possible head coach, who in incredibly bizarre coincidence ended up being the GM's brother.
The bad: It's going to be awkward when they finish first in the division, only to find out that Jay Bouwmeester packed up and went home the day the season ended out of force of habit.
Biggest question mark: Will Dion Phaneuf's play be negatively affected around the time of a full moon when he is visited by the ghostly corpse of Kyle Okposo?
Fearless forecast: The team should be a strong Cup contender except in the extremely unlikely event that Miikka Kiprusoff's play deteriorates, the way it has every single year since the lockout.

Colorado Avalanche

The good: Had the brilliant idea of hiring universally beloved former player Joe Sakic to coach the team.
The bad: Probably should have proofread that job offer a little more carefully before sending it out.
Biggest question mark: Seriously, why is every single person from the front office and coaching staff a former Maple Leaf fourth liner?
Fearless forecast: During a brawl-filled game against the Red Wings Chris Osgood skates the length of the ice for the traditional goalie fight, only to be disappointed to learn that the Avs haven't had an NHL goaltender in three years.

Vancouver Canucks

The good: Size up front. The forwards weigh in at an average of 220 lbs.
The bad: That drops to 175 lbs on nights Kyle Wellwood isn't playing.
Biggest question mark: How injured would Roberto Luongo have to be for it to actually makes sense to use backup goalie Andrew Raycroft instead? Two missing limbs? Three?
Fearless forecast: At long last, Vancouver hockey fans get to watch a championship hockey team. Then the Olympics end, and the Canucks resume their march to a second round elimination.

2009-2010 Season Preview: The Atlantic Division

As we count down the final days leading up to the 2009-10 regular season, let's take a look at each of the 30 teams with the official DGB Season Preview. Today, we look at the Atlantic Division.

New York Rangers

The good: There's a better-than-average chance that Donald Brashear will cripple Chris Drury in practice, saving the team valuable cap space.
The bad: Wade Redden reported to camp still alive.
Biggest question mark: Aren't you kind of hoping Sean Avery knocks out Kyle Okposo this year just so we can all make "sloppy seconds" jokes?
Fearless forecast: Marion Gaborik will bring the sort of dynamic offensive threat that the team hasn't had since... wait, why is he limping off the ice?

New Jersey Devils

The good: Wisely maintained team chemistry by not bringing in any big name off-season acquisitions, even though almost half their good players left.
The bad: Sure, Jacques Lemaire's offense will be fun to watch at first, but can the Devils maintain that sort of breakneck page all season long?
Biggest question mark: Everyone makes such a big deal about oversized shoulder pads, but why doesn't anybody ever complain about the ever-growing stomach padding Martin Brodeur is apparently using?
Fearless forecast: You won't watch a single one of their games all season.

Philadelphia Flyers

The good: If 35-year old Chris Pronger can't lead team to a Stanley Cup this year, no problem -- they still have him for another six years after that!
The bad: Continuing a proud tradition of tough guy Flyers goalies, Ray Emery has already been beaten into a bloody pulp by Felix Potvin.
Biggest question mark: Will one of the Flyers commit a horrifying act of violence that ruins the Winter Classic, or will it be more than one?
Fearless forecast: Will almost certainly be one of the top two teams in the entire state.

Pittsburgh Penguins

The good: Aren't scheduled for another blatant tank job for another three or four years.
The bad: Are at a tremendous disadvantage in an Olympic year in terms of fatigue, given that every single player on the roster is good enough to make an Olympic team.
Biggest question mark: Given that they're almost a sure thing to make the post-season, wouldn't it be a good idea for Sidney Crosby to start growing his playoff beard now?
Fearless forecast: I will continue to receive ten breathless e-mails a week that contain shocking photos of the Penguin players sitting around holding a trophy.

New York Islanders

The good: Franchise reputation is already dead and buried, which is a nice change since it marks the first ever case of this ownership group being able to get a shovel into the ground.
The bad: Have six or seven good players, all of whom are goalies.
Biggest question mark: Which line will Taylor Hall play on?
Fearless forecast: Scott Gordon eventually throws a rock through the poster of Raquel Welch in John Tavares' locker, revealing a tunnel to Toronto hidden behind it.