Out with the old, in with the new? Remembering 10 classic Battle of Ontario moments

This post is about the Senators and Maple Leafs, but first I need to tell you a story about the Colorado Avalanche and Detroit Red Wings.

It comes from a game played late in the 1995-96 season. The Wings would go on to win a 7-0 blowout, so you can imagine that the players on both sides were already agitated. At one point, Detroit’s Keith Primeau had his stick slashed out of his hand as he went to the bench. Colorado’s Mike Ricci tried to slide it away, at which point Kris Draper slashed his stick out of his hand. Primeau picked up Ricci’s stick and intentionally broke it. In return, Ricci grabbed a water bottle and tossed it at Primeau, hitting him in, uh, a sensitive area.

It was all very funny, and if you saw the highlight at the time, you probably joked about it with your hockey fan friends for weeks afterwards. It was, we all assumed, one of those memorable hockey moments.

Two months later, some other stuff happened between the Avalanche and Red Wings. And then later, a lot more. And then even more. And these days, when that rivalry comes up, nobody really talks about broken sticks or water bottle tosses.

>> Read the full post at The Athletic

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The Athletic Hockey Show: Deadpool self-awareness

On this week's episode of The Athletic Hockey Show:
- Did Ian actually DM Ryan Reynolds?
- Thoughts on the Senators' ownership drama
- Also... Chris Neil?
- Debating Phil Kessel's HHOF case
- Jesse Granger on some early betting trends
- A listener shares some important thoughts on the Mitchel Miller story
- Plus this week in hockey history and more...

The Athletic Hockey Show runs most days of the week during the season, with Ian and I hosting every Thursday. There are two versions of each episode available:
- An ad-free version for subscribers that you can find here
- An ad-supported version you can get for free wherever you normally find your podcasts (like Apple or Spotify)

Podcast: Break up the Capitals

In this week's episode of Biscuits, the Vice Sports hockey podcast:
- Dave and I react to a pair of game sevens
- We argue over whether the Caps should just blow it all up
- One surprising name it might make sense for Washington to trade
- Conference finals predictions
- The whole Sidney Crosby concussion fiasco
- The Stars finally get their goalie
- The Chris Neil narrative is so dumb
- Reader questions, and lots more

>> Stream it now on Vice Sports

>> Or, subscribe on iTunes.

How to be an NHL ironman

One of the NHL's ironman streaks came to an end on Thursday when Lightning forward Martin St. Louis missed the team's game against the Rangers after being hit in the face with a puck during practice.

That snapped St. Louis's string at 499 games, which was good for third among active NHL streaks. But St. Louis was still well back of Doug Jarvis's all-time record of 964, a mark that no NHL player has managed to so much as get close to in almost 20 years.

Will anyone ever again challenge Jarvis's mark? Maybe not. But if you're an NHL player hoping to start your own ironman streak, here are some common sense tips that could help you get started on the road to the record book.

DO: Stay healthy by avoiding collisions that would increase your risk of suffering an injury.
DO NOT: Worry about collisions that carry absolutely no physical risk, such as running Ryan Miller in front of the entire Sabres roster.

DO: Hit the gym often to make sure you're in peak physical condition.
DO NOT: Bother working out any body parts other than "upper body" and "lower body", since those are the only ones that anyone ever injures.

DO: Feel confident that the NHL's recent changes to Rule 48 will drastically reduce the risk that you will suffer a serious head injury.
DO NOT: Attempt to actually understand how the league applies Rule 48, as this will cause a serious head injury

DO: Follow the example of current league ironman Jay Bouwmeester by focusing all of your energy on training and conditioning that will allow you to continue your streak.
DO NOT: Allow yourself to become side-tracked by frivolous distractions, such as playing in postseason games.

Read the rest of this post...

A hockey fan's guide to the World Cup

The Canadian referee kept waving off
goals due to distinctive kicking motions

Hockey fans experiencing withdrawal after the end of the NHL season got some good news when the FIFA World Cup began on Friday. But while hockey fans would no doubt appreciate the spectacle of the world's most popular sporting event, many don't understand the "beautiful game".

On the surface, the World Cup is actually quite similar to the NHL. But while there are several difference, many are subtle and may prove confusing for novice fans. That's why I put a call out to DGB's various international bureaus, and together we put together this guide for hockey fans hoping to follow the World Cup action over the coming month.

The World Cup: If you see a guy wearing flamboyant clothing who is struggling to communicate with you in English, he is likely a diehard fan who was travelled from an exotic foreign land to attend the game.
The NHL: If you see a guy wearing flamboyant clothing who is struggling to communicate with you in English, he is likely Don Cherry.

The World Cup: The sport is called "football", although Americans often refer to it as "soccer".
The NHL: The sport is called "hockey", although Americans often refer to it as "something to watch if there's no baseball, football, basketball, golf, Nascar, poker, MMA, fishing or bowling on TV".

The World Cup: "Injury time" refers to the additional playing time added to the end of each half at the discretion of the referee.
The NHL: "Injury time" refers to whenever Rick DiPietro steps on the ice.

The World Cup: Watching a game can be almost unbearable thanks to the "vuvuzela", a South African noisemaking horn that produces a horribly annoying noise that drones on nonstop for the entire game, leaving you fighting the urge to hurl the remote through your TV screen.
The NHL: Pierre McGuire.

The World Cup: The games can start as early as 7:30 a.m., due to differences in international time zones.
The NHL: The games can start as early as 7:30 a.m., due to NBC not wanting to preempt any important infomercials or horse racing pregame shows later that afternoon.

The World Cup: In 1986, the "Hand of God" sent Argentina into the semi-finals at Mexico City.
The NHL: In 1993, the "Hand of God" sent Marty McSorley's eyeball into the fifteenth row at Maple Leaf Gardens.

The World Cup: A player will occasionally be granted a "penalty kick", presenting him with so much open net to shoot at that he's virtually guaranteed to score as long as he doesn't miss the net or hit the post.
The NHL: This is known as "shooting against Vesa Toskala".

The World Cup: The last thing anyone wants to see is a referee holding a red card.
The NHL: The last thing anyone wants to see is Chris Neil holding a credit card.

The World Cup: In an embarrassing display that any self-respecting sports fan would feel nauseated by, players will often react to even the slightest contact by pretending to be injured while rolling around pathetically on the grass.
The NHL: Completely different. The game is played on ice instead of grass.

The World Cup: Riot police must often use tear gas, armoured vehicles and water cannons to subdue reckless perpetrators of violence known as "hooligans".
The NHL: Riot police must often use tear gas, armoured vehicles and water cannons to subdue reckless perpetrators of violence known as "Chris Pronger".

The World Cup: Canadian teams never win.
The NHL: Same.

The World Cup: If you notice a player wearing a different jersey than his teammates, it's because he is the goalie.
The NHL: If you notice a player wearing a different jersey than his teammates, it's because he arrived five minutes late and his team had already done another jersey redesign.

The World Cup: A game which is played under standard rules but won't have any actual impact on the final standings or eventual champion is known as a "friendly".
The NHL: A game which is played under standard rules but won't have any actual impact on the final standings or eventual champion is known as a "Maple Leafs regular season game after mid-November".

Signs your favorite player may be bankrupt

Keep punching, Milan. They pay $20 per pint.

We heard some surprising news from Ottawa today, with reports that Senators' winger Chris Neil is apparently bankrupt. While the case appears to involve a family business and not Neil directly, he's still on the hook to creditors for $2.4 million.

Many hockey fans are stunned -- how can a guy who recently signed an $8 million contract find himself in financial trouble? Unfortunately, this sort of story turns out not to be an uncommon one in the league. Despite their high salaries, many players find themselves in severe financial difficulty.

Could it happen to your favorite player? Maybe. Just in case, here are some subtle signs that an NHL player may be broke:

• After every victory, he digs up center ice to see if anyone hid a toonie in it.
  
  
• If his team ever wins a championship, his plans for his "day with the Cup" involves sitting on a street corner and shaking it at passers-by.
  
  
• His new dental bridge appears to be made out of paper mache, duct tape, and seven of Duncan Keith's old teeth.
  
  
• Every time he goes out to eat, he tries to convince one of the Canadiens forwards to order him something from the kid's menu.
  
  
• His current salary cap hit is negative fourteen million dollars.
  
  
• He walks around looking like he spent five dollars on his haircut, instead of seven dollars like all his teammates.
  
  
• Every time the zamboni slows down, he jumps out and starts trying to squeegee its windshield.
  
  
• On Twitter, Allan Walsh keeps referring to him as "Client Mr. Better-Pay-His-Agent-If-He-Still-Wants-To-Have-Kneecaps".
  
  
• Several weeks ago, he offered to buy Dustin Byfulgien lunch.
  
  
• He's drowning in so much red ink that Ron Maclean immediately breaks into his slow motion Hasselhoff beach sprint every time he sees him.
  
  
• Instead of a playoff beard or playoff moustache, he's currently rocking a playoff GoldenPalace.com forehead tattoo.
  
  
• When the Edmonton Oilers call with a contract offer, he answers the phone.
  
  
• He's started blogging for Hockeybuzz. (Wait, I'm sorry, that was meant for the list of "Signs your favorite player is morally bankrupt").
  
  
• He's so desperate for money that he's started posing for newspaper covers wearing a skirt.
  
  
• Gary Bettman just legally adopted him.

Chris Pronger's other jerk moves

And then I told Carcillo:
"No, the moustache looks awesome".

While the Chicago Blackhawks have staked out a 2-0 lead in the Stanley Cup Finals, all anyone seems to want to talk about today is Chris Pronger. The Flyers' defenceman has been accused of poor sportsmanship after shooting a towel at Chicago's Ben Eager and twice stealing the puck after the final buzzer.

Sadly, this sort of behaviour isn't new for Pronger. In fact, throughout his career he's become notorious for a series of incidents in which his actions were inappropriate, unprofessional, and just downright mean.

Here are some of the most memorable:

• Was suspended during the Stanley Cup Finals after delivering a vicious elbow to the head of Ottawa's Dean McAmmond, outraging fans around the world who were really hoping he'd get Chris Neil instead.
  
  
• At 1993 entry draft, rudely stole the spotlight from #1 overall pick Alexandre Daigle by turning out to be like a hundred times better than him.
  
  
• Once got bored during the Vancouver Olympics opening ceremonies, wandered to the backstage area, and cross-checked the guy in charge of making sure all the cauldrons were working in the throat.
  
  
• Has been known to slack off and go up to two full years without single-handedly dragging a team to the Stanley Cup finals.
  
  
• Caused a long delay during a 1998 game when he claimed to suffer a brief cardiac arrest after being hit with a slapshot directly above the heart, as if he has one.
  
  
• Demanded a trade out of Edmonton in 2006, selfishly placing the desires of his wife and children above those of a company that had employed him for almost an entire year.
  
  
• His hilariously sarcastic press conference performance after game one turned out to be a word-for-word recitation of Bill Hicks' Arizona Bay album.
  
  
• Was once suspended eight games for stomping in Ryan Kesler's leg with his skate, which was kind of odd, since it was August and Kesler was napping on a beach at the time.
  
  
• When presented with a seven-year contract offer from the Flyers last year, immediately signed it instead of politely saying "Um, maybe you should go back and re-read the CBA".
  
  
• Knows full well that Flyers could have swept the Bruins, but convinced teammates to spot them a 3-0 series lead "just to mess with them".
  
  
• Once borrowed Riley Cote's copy of Schopenhauer's On the Fourfold Root of the Principle of Sufficient Reason; returned it the next morning all dog-eared.
  
  
• Post-loss ritual: cruise interstate looking for families stranded on the side of the highway with flat tire; pull over; slash other three tires; drive away.
  
  
• During NBC telecasts of Flyers games, constantly leans over to Pierre McGuire and says "I don't think they can hear you, maybe try speaking louder."
  
  
• After every playoff game this year, calls up John Stevens and leaves him a detailed message about how much fun it was.
  
  
• You know when you have to get up early the next day but you can't sleep because some idiot's car alarm is going off all night long right below your window? Yeah, that's him.
  
  
• Walks around the league like he's better than everyone, when in reality he's only better than 97% of them.
  
  
• Immediately demands a trade every time he finds out that Joffrey Lupul has finished unpacking.
  
  
• Lead the Anaheim Ducks to a Stanley Cup after being acquired in a deal with the Oilers, which apparently gave GM Brian Burke the idea that trading two first round picks for a star player is a good idea.
  
  
• Is often rude and uncooperative with members of the media, even those he is currently sleeping with.

When teammates attack: Other teammate-inflicted NHL injuries

The Florida Panthers' playoff
chances: an interpretive dance

Keith Ballard is the talk of the hockey world today, thanks to his bizarre slash to the head that left teammate Tomas Vokoun bleeding on a stretcher.

But while Ballard is certainly an extreme case, he's not the first NHL player to accidentally cause an injury to a teammate. In fact, over the past few years the league has seen several regrettable incidents. Here's a look at some that had the biggest impact.

The player: Jonas Gustavsson
The injury: Heart arrhythmia due to repetitive trauma to the middle of his chest
What happened: Cumulative effect from a full month of facing Jason Blake in practice every day.

The player: Joe Thornton
The injury: Damaged windpipe due to choking
What happened: Unaware of strict internal rules regarding team meals, new teammate Dany Heatley mentions the word "playoffs".

The player: Andrei Markov
The injury: Sprained MCL
What happened: Repetitive strain of constantly having to drop to one knee to hold a conversation with the Habs' various offseason acquisitions.

The player: Brad Boyes
The injury: Severe hoof damage across his back
What happened: Wandered in between Keith Tkachuk and the post-game buffet.

The player: Alexei Ponikarovsky
The injury: Lower back pain, swollen ankles, and gestational diabetes
What happened: Accidentally made eye contact with Luke Schenn.

The player: Entire Vancouver Canucks defence
The injury: Second and third degree sunburns to the back of the neck.
What happened: Were forced to play an entire game in front of Andrew Raycroft.

The player: Rick DiPietro
The injury: Multiple fractures, torn ligaments, internal organ failure
What happened: Teammate Brendan Witt turned on a rotating fan in the dressing room, causing a light breeze.

The player: Marian Hossa
The injury: Lacerations to both wrists
What happened: New teammate Patrick Kane introduced himself by saying "Wow, you played for Pittsburgh and Detroit? Can I see your Cup rings?"

The player: Marc Staal
The injury: Impaired vision
What happened: Learning the details of Wade Redden's free agent contract caused eyes to cartoonishly pop out of head, detaching both retinas.

The player: Daniel Carcillo
The injury: Concussion
What happened: During a heated debate on the validity of the inferential thesis, Carcillo argues for Gibson's "ecological approach" to the conception of perception, leading Riley Cote (a known advocate of Fodor and Pylyshyn's stance that affordances presuppose direct perception and therefore can not be used to explain it) to hit him over the head with a folding chair.

The player: Chris Neil
The injury: Two broken ankles
What happened: Instinctively leapt out of eighth floor hotel window after Chris Phillips mentioned that the bellhop kind of looked like Colton Orr.

The player: Chris Drury
The injury: Existential crisis
What happened: Realization that Sean Avery continues to pull incredibly hot women forced him to question the very existence of a just and merciful god.

The player: Mike Fisher
The injury: Broken jaw and fractued orbital bone
What happened: Tried to keep a straight face when Daniel Alfredsson delivered his "Go ahead and write it, I guarantee we'll win the Cup" quote.

Live blogging the Battle of Ontario

I'll be liveblogging tonight's game between the Leafs and Senators over at TheScore.com. Join me, won't you?

Join the liveblog

Please feel free to jump in, as we discover the answer to questions such as:

• With Jonas Gustavsson getting the start, will the Senators concede the game prior to introductions or wait until the opening faceoff?
  
  
• Just how depressed will I get when the Monster gives up the opening goal on a 50-foot floater 30 seconds in?
  
  
• Will Chris Neil get his face caved in by:
  a.) Colton Orr
  b.) Jay Rosehill
  c.) Colton Orr and Jay Rosehill; or
  d.) nobody because this will be one of those games where he mysteriously decides his job is to be an "agitator" instead.
  
  
• Will Mikhail Grabovski and Jason Spezza finally play a full shift together and create the fabled Perpetual Neutral Zone Turnover Machine?
  
  
• Wasn't all of this way more fun when Pat Quinn was still alive?

It should be a good time, so please stop by if you're online during the game.

After all, you know how much I love the Battle of Ontario...

Countdown to free agency

Tomorrow is Free Agency Day. It's also a holiday in Canada, which means two things:

• I'll be online all day
  
• I'll be drinking heavily starting at noon

I'll be updating DGB whenever something interesting happens... which, given Brian Burke's track record, means this is my last post for the week. But check back anyways, just in case.

And don't forget to follow me on twitter. My twitter feed has all the high quality you've come to expect from the blog, except more frequent, shorter, and without the high quality.

(If you're not already following DGB, PPP, Chemmy and the rest of the barilkosphere on twitter, you missed out on an epic afternoon. Once news of the Gomez trade broke, Leaf Nation quickly formed a kick circle around Bob Gainey and didn't let up for a solid hour. Good times. Look for an encore tonight if the Senators trade Dany Heatley for Dustin Penner.)

A few quick thoughts on free agency:

• I'm solidly pro-Sedin, if and only if Burke can sign them to deal of reasonable length. If Burke can get the twins to signs five or six year deals worth, say, $35M or so each, I'm happy.
  
  The Leafs need front line talent and only have one elite forward prospect. The Sedins give you two-thirds of a top line and push everyone else down to more suitable roles. Plus, as we all know, Swedish players never let you down.
  
  
• Do not sign Chris Neil. He's broken down, has a grossly over-inflated sense of himself, and is a cruiserweight at best. Yes, it's admirable to see a relatively little guy fight giants like Laraque and Brashear. But he gets fed every time, and we can find cheaper guys to clog up the fourth line and lose fights twice a month.
  
  
• On the other hand, I want Colton Orr's signature on a contract at 12:01. The Leafs need an enforcer -- not a grinder, not a plugger, not a plumber, but an honest-to-god alpha dog. Chris Neil isn't the answer. Andrew "Golf Swing" Peters definitely isn't the answer. Colton Orr is. Sign him tomorrow. Then give him Finger's #4, just to piss off Bruins ans.
  
  
• Seriously, do not sign Chris Neil.
  
  
• Mike Cammalleri, Mike Komisarek and François Beauchemin are all fine players if you can get them at a reasonable price, which you won't. So don't get your hopes up.
  
  
• I will go on a crime spree if they sign Chris Neil.
  
  
• There's a very sick part of me that wants the Leafs to sign Todd Bertuzzi, just for the entertainment value. He would immediately cause Damien Cox's head to explode. He'd instantly become the most hated player in NHL history. And he'd make Dominic Moore cry tears of blood.
  
  
• DUR-NO! DUR-NO! DUR-NO!

A reminder of the three immutable laws of NHL free agency:

1. Everybody will get way more money than anyone expects them to get. Everyone.
   
2. Most of the big names will sign with teams that they've never even been linked to.
   
3. Do not sign Chris Neil

Finally, a sincere thanks to DGB readers. Thanks to a late surge, this will be the fifth straight month of record traffic. That's pretty impressive considering how little is going on in Leafland every spring.

So thanks to everyone who visits. Thanks to everyone who subscribes, follows, or bookmarks. And special thanks to everyone who posts DGB content and links on various forums and sites around the world.

(And that includes a special hello to my friends in Finland in the NHL-huumoria thread at Jatkoaika.com. Kiitos! I've almost forgiven your country for Vesa Toskala.)

Fun with Google's new "Similar Images" feature

The big news in the web marketing world this week has been Google unveiling a cool new feature: Google Similar Images. This new tool allows you to find an image that interests you, and then search for other images that are similar.

Here's an example. The image on the left is a shot of a Leafs goal that I found, and the image on the right is one that Google says is similar.

Not bad, eh? At first I assumed that Google was just relying on the image name and surrounding content, and maybe cross-referencing with some basic image attributes like orientation and maybe dominant color.

Boy, was I wrong. After all, this is Google we're talking about. They're probably the smartest people in the world. And this new image similarity search is scary good.

Don't believe me? I spent some time randomly searching for hockey teams and players. Check out some of the "similar" images Google came up with.

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The Top 10 Dumbest Moments in the Battle of Ontario

On Saturday, the Leafs and Senators will end their seasons with a head-to-head matchup. The game will feature a pair of terrible teams, little or no intensity, and two fan bases who will be secretly hoping their team loses for a better draft spot.

What better way to end another installment of the most over-rated rivalry in hockey?

While any fan can see that the Battle of Ontario is dying, the truth is that it was never much to get excited over in the first place. The Sens always win in the regular season, the Leafs always win in the playoffs, and every incident that showed the slightest hint of bad blood was immediately ruined by horrified cries for everyone involved to be suspended.

The rivalry has featured a handful of legitimately memorable moments, such as Alfredsson's hit from behind, a pair of game sevens, and Gary Roberts killing and eating anyone who looked at him sideways. But the honest truth is that it's been much more likely to feature cringe-inducing moments of embarrassment and stupidity.

While it took some work, I've managed to narrow the list down to a top ten. So here they are, the Dumbest Moments in the History of the Battle of Ontario.

#10 - McCabe vs. Chara

Sens fans are unanimous in their love for the famous Youtube clip of the massive Zdeno Chara rag-dolling a helpless Bryan McCabe. It's basically their "All Heart" video. And let's face it, Leaf fans started to enjoy it too once they turned on McCabe in recent years. In fact, it's quite possible that this is the most famous one-on-one fight in Battle of Ontario history.

Here's the problem: it was pretty much the worst fight ever. Nobody threw a punch. The referees didn't even hand out fighting majors. And while people forget this now, Chara ended up missing time because he wrenched his back flinging McCabe around.

That's right, the most famous fight in this so-called rivalry involved no punches, and the guy who won hurt himself. Ladies and gentlemen, the Battle of Ontario!

#9 - The jersey bylaw

Frustrated with the way that Toronto fans continually took over the building every time the Leafs came to town to play the Senators, Ottawa city council passed a bylaw in 2004 that banned the wearing of Maple Leafs jerseys at the Corel Center. That would be one of the funniest lines I've ever written, except that it's true.

While the rule was meant to be "tongue-in-cheek", Ottawa city council still took the time to make it an official order. Leaf fans who wore their jerseys to the game would be "fined" a canned food donation, with proceeds going to the Ottawa food bank.

Toronto city council considered passing a retaliatory motion that would similarly fine anyone wearing a Senators jersey at the ACC, before realizing that the Toronto food back didn't really need three cans of food.

Instead, the Maple Leafs themselves stepped up with a $5,000 donation to the Ottawa food bank, and invited the Senators to match that with a donation of their own to the Toronto food bank. Nobody can find any evidence that the Senators ever did.

#8 - Every regular season game between 2002 and 2007

There were two things you could count on every single time the Leafs and Senators played each other during this stretch: The Senators would win 8-1, and every Senator fan would immediately declare that this meaningless regular season win made up for all the playoff losses.

The only exception to this rule was the opening game of the 2005 season, when in an act of abject cruelty the Senators intentionally let the game stay tied so that Leaf fans would be forced to watch Jason Allison's shootout attempt.

#7 - Tucker vs. Eaves

In October 2006, midway through one of those Senator blowout victories, Darcy Tucker got into a fight with Patrick Eaves. While Eaves wasn't much of a fighter, he did his best. In the end he ate a few rights, shrugged his shoulders and skated to the penalty box.

End of story? No, of course not, because this is the Battle of Ontario and every minor scuffle has to result in the Senators calling for a suspension. So Ottawa fans, coaches and media spent two days sobbing about how awful it was for Tucker to pick on a poor defenseless player who, after all, was only two inches and fifteen pounds bigger than him.

The Senators, most notably Chris Neil, spent the next 48 hours telling any reporter within earshot that Eaves would be avenged. In doing so, Neil repeatedly reminded everyone of how badly Eaves had been pummelled. Sure, by the end of it Eaves looked like he wanted to hang himself, but it made Chris Neil look good and that was really the entire point all along.

When the teams met for the highly anticipated rematch two night later, Neil lined up across from Tucker on the opening faceoff, leaned in and ... said something to him.

That's it. That's the end of the story.

Nothing else happened the rest of the game. After two days of swearing revenge into any TV camera he could find, Chris Neil gave Darcy Tucker a stern talking to and then called it a night.

Word is that if that hadn't worked, the Sens were going to have Brian McGrattan write Tucker a strongly worded letter.

#6 - Cory Cross scoring an overtime goal

When Cory Cross is scoring overtime goals, your rivalry sucks.

#5 - "We're Gonna Kill 'Em!"

In 2004, the Leafs and Senators were set to meet in a deciding game seven. With tensions high and nationwide media attention focused on the series, rookie Senators owner Eugene Melnyk decided it would be a great idea to publicly guarantee an easy win.

"We're going to kill 'em," Melnyk told the Toronto Star. "We're going to go in there and beat them on their own ice in front of their fans!"

Now, it was one thing when Daniel Alfredsson guaranteed that the Sens would win the series after a game five loss. After all, Alfredsson made guarantees that didn't come true all the time. And at least he was a player, meaning he could have some impact on the game's outcome. (He didn't, of course, because it was a game seven and he's a Senator. But he theoretically could have.)

Melnyk was different. Here was some guy in a suit running his mouth in a cheap bid for media attention. What did he think he was, an Ottawa city councillor?

After the Leafs were done curb-stomping the Senators in game seven, Tie Domi thanked for Melnyk for providing the Leafs with extra motivation. For his part, Melnyk learned a valuable lesson and didn't get into any more trouble for advocating killing until this year, when he suggested that any Sens fan who was unhappy with the team's miserable season should strap a bomb to themselves.

#4 - Domi vs. Arverdson

In a late season game in 2003, Tie Domi became involved in an altercation with the Sens' Magnus Arverdson. A frustrated Domi eventually punched Arverdson in the face with a gloved hand, at which point Daniel Alfredsson attempted to swing his stick like a baseball bat at Domi's head.

Hey, I'll bet you can't guess which one of them got suspended!

The league banned Domi for three games, largely based on the news that Arverdson had been diagnosed with a concussion and a broken nose. After the suspension was announced Arverdson miraculously recovered and played in the Senators' next game without any facial protection, while everyone agreed to just never mention his "injuries" ever again.

This incident is notable for two things: it happened in the same game that saw Darcy Tucker dive into the Sens bench (a moment that will not make this list because, well, it was awesome), and it resulted in one of the great Nick Kypreos moments of all-time:

#3 - Joseph vs. McGeough

The Leafs and Senators met for the first time in the playoffs in 2000. After the Leafs won the first two games at home, the series shifted to Ottawa.

With five minutes left in a tight game, the Senators scored a goal on a play which saw Daniel Alfredsson appear to trip up Curtis Joseph. Referee Mick McGeough correctly ruled that because it was the post-season Alfredsson could cheat as much as he wanted to without being called, and the goal stood.

An incensed Joseph charged into the corner to argue but lost his balance and crashed to the ice instead, taking McGeough down with him. The collision was clearly accidental and, it goes without saying, completely hysterical -- especially the part where Joseph has to stop to ask if McGeough is OK before half-heartedly resuming his tirade.

How did Sens fans react? Say it with me, children: by calling for a suspension!

Even though McGeough himself said the collision was accidental and the league took no action, Sens fans insist to this day that Joseph "attacked" McGeough. The reality, of course, is Joseph didn't attack anything other his own dignity by proving that he couldn't skate fifteen feet without falling all over himself.

#2 - Chiarelli vs. Neale & Cole

If you live outside of Ottawa then it goes without saying that you've never heard of Bob Chiarelli, but he was the mayor of Ottawa for ten years. As far as spotlight-hogging mayors go, Chiarelli could best be described as "Mel Lastman without the charisma". And like everyone who lives in Ottawa, he spent most of his time unsuccessfully trying to get people in Toronto to notice him.

In 2001, the CBC assigned Bob Cole and Harry Neale to call the Leafs/Sens series. Aware that Ottawa fans hate Bob Cole, and realizing that a playoff series against Toronto meant that somebody might actually pay attention to the Senators for once, Chiarelli decided to make himself the story.

Chiarelli went to the local media and announced that Cole and Neale were "Maple Leaf homers". The idea was apparently that Chiarelli would earn some local brownie points and a little national attention, Cole and Neale would play along, and eventually both sides would bury the hatchet at around the same time that the heavily favored Sens wrapped up the series.

Instead, Neale's public response to Chiarelli was, and this a real quote: "Take a big bite out of my ass". This made for the second best soundbite in Battle of Ontario history, trailing "boo hoo" but coming in slightly ahead of "there were a couple of purse-swingings". And then the Leafs swept Ottawa.

Bob Chiarelli has literally never been heard from again.

#1 - The Stick Throw

It takes a really dumb moment to be the dumbest in the entire history of this dumb rivalry. And good god, this moment was dumb.

Midway through the 2004 season, Leafs captain Mats Sundin was suspended one game for throwing a broken stick into the stands. He missed a game against Ottawa, and during that game Daniel Alfredsson famously mocked Sundin when his own stick broke by pretending to throw it into the stands before dropping it on the ice instead.

If you read that paragraph and thought to yourself "That sounds unbelievably boring", then you're apparently not a Toronto or Ottawa fan. No, to the average Leafs and Sens fans, the series of events I just described are the most controversial thing that has ever happened.

Leaf fans were outraged that Alfredsson would dare mock to Sundin. Ignoring the fact that it was a joke, a playful jab from one friend at another, Leaf fans have booed Alfredsson every time he's touched the puck ever since. (Note: Leaf fans now pretend that booing Alfredsson started after his hit from behind on Tucker in the 2002 playoffs. They're lying.)

For their part, Ottawa fans defended Alfredsson. They were right to do so, but since this involves the Leafs, Sens fans had to go completely overboard. To this day, every Ottawa Senators fan insists that Alfredsson's fake stick throw is the funniest thing that anyone has ever done, ever. Not just in hockey -- anywhere. If you ask a Senators fans to create a Mount Rushmore of comic genius, it will include George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce and Daniel Alfredsson pretending to throw his broken stick.

Seriously, the next time you find yourself talking to a Leafs fan and a Sens fan at the same time, casually mention the Alfredsson stick throw. The Leafs fan will start ranting like Christian Bale, while the Sens fan immediately starts fake-laughing like Arsenio Hall circa 1991.

At that point, you have my permission to pull out a gun and shoot both of them.

Honorable mentions: Tom Barasso swearing live on Hockey Night in Canada, Domi vs McGrattan, Ron Wilson calling for a stick measurement, the Flu Game, the "Dandyman" getting fired for making jokes about spousal abuse, Pat Quinn pretending he didn't know the names of any Senator players, "if Tie Domi had better balance we'd have won".

If I missed any, it's probably because I've blocked them out. Let me know if the comments and I'll add them.

The Prattle of Ontario

Some observations from a Battle of Ontario debacle that may have finally shovelled dirt on this rivalry once and for all, not to mention broken my spirit as a hockey fan.

• The Senators are terrible. I mean, the Leafs are terrible, and they still had a relatively easy time with Ottawa last night. Toronto is bad in a "well, maybe kind of sort of getting better" way. Ottawa is bad in an "abandon all hope ye who enter here" kind of way. Luckily, they have Buffalo next and you can always count on the Sabres to roll over and die in any post-Pominville game against a struggling Sens team.
  
  
• Hey, you know what else is terrible? Leafs/Sens games. I'm seeing lots of stories in the papers and online today describing the game as "gritty". Really? That was gritty? A half dozen guys on each team all trying to play the agitator role, trying to get bumped into and then flopping to the ice and looking for a referee? We call that gritty now? Tie Domi is rolling over in his grave.
  
  
• Word is Sidney Crosby wanted to play in last night's game but couldn't find anyone with two balls to punch.
  
  
• Speaking of which... so Chris Neil thinks that even though the Sens dumped Brian McGrattan and signed Jarkko Ruutu, he should still try to be a "pest" who runs from Kimbo Hollweg but goes after Ian White? Really? He's thinks that's his ticket to sticking around in the NHL? OK, just checking.
  
  
• It's official: Mike Fisher has entered the "golden boy" zone where announcers will refer to him as one of the best players on the ice no matter how awful he is. Yes, he threw some hits. He was also pointless, a minus, and lead both teams in giveaways. Also, he makes $4.2M/year. Through 2013. But he's scored three goals this season, so obviously none of this can be his fault.
  
  
• Yes, Jason Spezza deserved a spearing major based on the rulebook, but he barely touched Dominic Moore and Moore's hunched-over attempt to sell an injury was embarassing. Remember when Toronto didn't do that stuff? At least against Ottawa?
  
  
• And while I don't expect or want Tomas Kaberle to drop his gloves or even give Spezza so much as a girlish shove, wouldn't it be nice if his instinctive first reaction to seeing a teammate get speared wasn't to throw his arms in the air and look for a referee to whine to? Kaberle is the best player on the team, but sometimes he reminds you that he's the holdover from the old "leadership" core.
  
  
• I'll admit, I get way too excited whenever a Leaf goalie tries to score a goal. Unfortunately, Toskala's effort ended up fluttering harmlessly into the air and was easily gloved aside by a defenceman. You know what that means: he could play on the third line of either of these teams!
  

Five for fighting: The five worst Leaf goons

Over the years, the Leafs have had their share of entertaining tough guys. Tiger Williams and Tie Domi are two of the all-time greats, and guys like Ken Baumgartner, John Kordic, Craig Berube and Wade Belak all had their moments.

But you can't win them all. And if you're one of the guys below, you couldn't win any of them some nights.

In honor of Andre Deveaux's debut, and the inevitable flood of goonery that's about to start as a result of Brian Burke's arrival, let's take a look back at the five least effective Leaf enforcers.

#5 - Greg Smyth

Here's what I remember about Greg Smyth: I remember the trade that brought him to Toronto in exchange for cash(!) being announced during a mid-week Leaf game on Global TV. I remember him having hockey hair and a pornstache. And I remember he had two stints with the Leafs, once in 1993 and again in 1996.

That's it. I have no recollection of him ever doing anything with the Leafs. At all.

Neither does youtube, apparently, so here's a clip of Smyth fighting Bob Probert:

#4 - Nathan Perrot

Perrot was a minor league tough guy who had enjoyed a brief stint in the NHL with Nashville before the Leafs acquired him and assigned him to the AHL. He played a half season in Tornto in 2003-4, not doing much, and made the team in 2005-6. However, Perrot's claim to fame in Toronto is his (alleged) refusal to fight Brian McGrattan. That lead to the veteran Domi feeling obligated to step up, which didn't go well for him.

Perrot never played another game for the Leafs, who shipped him to the Stars for a late-round pick a week later. Oddly enough, he was reacquired by the organization in 2007 and played a handful of games with the Marlies, but never made it back to the NHL. He's currently in Russia.

Here's Perrot doing what Leaf enforcers do best: feeding Chris Neil.

#3 - Kevin McLelland

Remember when Kevin McLelland was one of Wayne Gretzky's bodyguards in Edmonton? He was a pretty good enforcer back then. A few years later, when he wound up with the Leafs in 1991... not so much.

Here he is taking on Mike Peluso. I'm using this clip because of the bonus clip at the very start.

#2 - Ryan Hollweg

He's terrible.

When Ryan Hollweg isn't trying to cripple guys with cowardly hits from behind, he's busy viciously attacking opponents' fists with his face. Here he is doing what de does best (bleeding) against Michael Rupp of the Devils.

#1 - Kevin Maguire

Maguire made his debut with the Leafs in 1987, then went on to establish a name for himself in Buffalo. He was perhaps best known for trying to fight Steve Yzerman, which isn't a good idea when Bob Probert is on the ice. (Watch the whole clip, and compare Probert to Stu Grimson's reaction to the Clark/Marchment fight. This is the difference between a guy who wants to fight, and a guy wants to look like he wants to fight.)

Maguire wound up back in Toronto in the early 90s, where he briefly formed a tag team with McLelland that gave opposing tough guys the chance to brutally beat up two Leafs on the same night.

But he earns top spot on the list based on this:

Yes, that's Maguire fighting Wendel Clark in practice.

I mean... what would have to... how could you ever think that...

Are you fucking insane?

It's never a good idea to fight Wendel Clark, but at least guys who played for other teams had some sort of obligation to try. There was something vaguely admirable about seeing another team's enforcer challenge Clark, willing to take one for the team even though he knew he was about to die.

But when Clark is your teammate, and you still try to fight him... you, sir, are the dumbest man in the history of time. That kind of stupidity is more than enough to earn top spot on this list.

Follow the leader

This is a tale of two cities.

Two hockey teams. Two embarrassing seasons. Two fractured dressing rooms. Two (and soon to be three) coaching changes. Zero playoff wins.

And two players, the undisputed and unquestioned leaders of their respective teams, who apparently don't deserve an ounce of blame.

In Toronto, the Maple Leafs have just suffered through a third straight season without a playoff berth. The team is a mess, from ownership through management, down to the lame duck coach and (especially) the can't-win-when-it-matters lineup.

But fans and media agree: You can't blame Mats Sundin.

The occasionally feisty Toronto media regularly writes adoring fluff pieces about Sundin's leadership. When a critical piece does appear, such as Steve Simmons' recent and relatively mild swipe, Leaf fans react with outrage.

You can questions his teammates or his coach, and even (every once in a while) his play. But on one point, there's unanimous agreement: You simply can not question Sundin's leadership.

Why not?

It's clear that the Leafs dressing room is a mess. A group of cozy veterans refuse to waive no-trade clauses, apparently perfectly satisfied with perpetual losing. Kyle Wellwood is handed the second line center's job, and responds with a slothful offseason. Jason Blake follows a $20 million contract with an embarrassing season, then gripes about his playing time. Players young and old have mastered the art of whining and moaning their way through loss after loss, all the while spouting empty excuses about injuries or hot goalies or bad luck.

But the man everyone agrees is the team's leader gets a free pass. He's a great captain. Beyond reproach. Pay no attention to the flaming wreckage behind the curtain.

Meanwhile in Ottawa, the Senators have completed a season that may have been even more pitiful than Toronto's, if only because there were actually some expectations.

The Senators are a team in turmoil these days. The dressing room in fractured, with several young stars with big money contracts who seem more interested in living the good life than in winning hockey games. Players are late for practice, teammates fight on the ice, big money free agent signings all but beg for a chance to leave town, and as the season went on the team's stars made it clear that a full effort every night was just too much to ask.

But again, the unquestioned leader doesn't have to take a drop of the blame. Sens fans, while eager to pick apart the rest of the roster, refuse to hear a bad word about Daniel Alfredsson. Meanwhile, the media is ready to deify him.

Don Brennan all but wrote Alfie a love note, even as the Senators stumbled to an embarassing sweep. "Stop the questions" ordered Bruce Garrioch in his season wrapup, awarding Alfredsson an A+. Even Erin Nicks, usually one of the Ottawa media's few reasonable voices, used her weekly newspaper column to insist that the captain is above criticism.

Alfredsson's early return from an apparent torn MCL was certainly courageous, and worthy of the praise that the adoring Ottawa media heaped on it. But it's not unfair to point out that the so-called miracle comeback was utterly ineffective.

The night of the captain's emotional return also saw the Sens lose battles all night long, Chris Neil take three selfish penalties, and Jason Spezza quit on a backcheck on the Penguin's insurance goal. Imagine what the night would have been like without Alfredsson's aura of leadership lighting the way.

Sundin and Alfredsson may not be the cause of their teams' problems. Both are classy veterans who shine on the ice and keep their noses clean off it. Neither has had so much as a whiff of scandal or controversy. Both are clearly their team's best players, and are popular fan favorites.

But the fact remains that both are also the leaders of teams in turmoil, presiding over rotten dressing rooms populated by losers and quitters. All the fan worship in the world can't change the facts.

How many icebergs can a ship hit before the captain takes some of the blame?

Early thoughts on Penguins-Senators

A (somewhat) neutral view of the Sens/Pens series from a hockey fan living in Ottawa...

Congratulations to Martin Lapointe on becoming the first Senators trade deadline pickup in histoty to have an impact on a playoff game.

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I'm a big believer that you can learn a lot about a player by the way they celebrate goals. With exception of Ovechkin, players who jump around like little kids usually aren't much to worry about. On the other hand, players who act like they're not especially surprised or impressed about a goal are usually the most dangerous guys out there -- they expect to score. Think back to Doug Gilmour's nonchalant arm raise celebration.

With that in mind, Evgeni Malkin should terrify Senators fans right now. Twice he's set up Sykora goals with perfect cross-ice feeds. And twice he hasn't reacted to the goal at all. He just pops out his mouth guard, skates over to pat his teammates on the head, and then leaves. No smile, no stick in the air, nothing. All business.

Malkin looks like a guy who believes he's only in week one of a two-month tournament. He could be right.

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Kevin Lee at Hockeybuzz is reporting that "There is a strong chance that Daniel Alfredsson could dress for Game 3 in Ottawa on Monday night". Wait, I thought he was out for two weeks! What a remarkable and shocking recovery! Who could have possibily predicted such a thing?

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Anton Volchenkov gets full point for taking a slapshot in the face and returning to play the next game. However, he still has a way to go to match Danny Markov in that department. Markov once took a shot in the face against the Senators and managed to trash-talk the Ottawa bench on the way off the ice.

The lesson, as always: Danny Markov is freaking insane.

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By the way, now that Volchenkov is back in the lineup, do Sens fans (and Mike Fisher) still think that a guy wearing a full cage isn't allowed to throw a body check? Just checking.

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It appears that Chris Neil has officially entered the "Matthew Barnaby" phase of his tough guy career: overrated, utterly harmless, but non-threatening enough that the media will sing his praises over even the smallest contribution.

After the Senators were embarassed by Gary Roberts in game one, Sens fans were hoping that somebody would respond. Taking a page out of his playbook from the aftermath of the Eaves/Tucker fight, Neil decided to do what he does best: make sure the camera catches him giving a stern pre-faceoff lecture, then do nothing else the rest of the game. No big hits, no fights, one fluke assist on a banked in goal, and a seat in the penalty box on the Penguins opening powerplay goal. And the talking heads loved every minute of it.

Believe it or not, I like Chris Neil. I always felt bad for him during his early years under Jacques Martin, who emasculated him to the point that its a miracle he stayed in the league. Who can forget the pathetic sight of Neil being challened by Tie Domi, and having to look to the Sens bench for permission to fight (with Martin sternly shaking his head "no", like a parent denying his teenager use of the family car). The fact that Neil didn't hang himself after that scene shows he has more character than most of his teammates. He seems like a solid kid and he's become a decent player.

But at some point, he's going to need to decide if he's an enforcer or a pest. An intimidator, or an agitator. You can't be both. You can't wave to the home crowd after every fight like a heavyweight, and then turtle against also-rans like Chris Dingman.

And if you're the toughest guy in the lineup of a team that's getting run out of the building, then cuddling with Sidney Crosby and whispering in Gary Roberts ear won't get the job done.

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Prediction for the rest of the way: the Sens refuse to go quietly with a solid win in game three, lose a heart-breaker in game four, and the series wraps up back in Pittsburgh in game five.