A look back at the musical wonder that was 1994's "The Joe Bowen Rap"

Holy Mackinaw, boyyeeee.

What do you get when a billion-dollar corporation commissions a safe, watered-down, committee-approved song to serve as an anthem for their last-place team? Well, as Leaf fans know, you get "Free To Be", although we also would have accepted "two ear drums punctured by the nearest pencil".

But what do you get when you combine an exciting team, an aspiring rapper with access to recording equipment, and the passion of a true diehard Maple Leafs fan? You get just about the greatest song ever recorded.

Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time since 1994, The Joe Bowen Rap by Young Offender:

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An in-depth review of NHL 11

Today is one of the most anticipated days on the hockey calendar, as it marks the annual release of the new version of EA Sports' enormously popular NHL video game series.

I was lucky enough to get my hands on an advanced copy, and I can report that this year's version, NHL 11, includes plenty of new and upgraded features. Unfortunately, it includes a few bugs as well.

Here are some of my first impressions after several days with the new game:

• One heavily promoted new feature sees the introduction of broken sticks, which will crack or even shatter completely at the slightest contact several times each game. In an additional attempt at realism, the same technology was also applied to each of Rick DiPietro's body parts.
  
  
• The game features revolutionary puck physics that are hyper-realistic. When a shot is deflected you can see the puck fly into the stands. When a pass is deflected you can see the puck roll into the corner. And when the Flyers lose a game in the finals you can see the puck get tossed into an abandoned dumpster behind a convenience store near Chris Pronger's house.
  
  
• Unfortunately there are several bugs, including a strange offseason roster glitch I ran into in franchise mode. After finally winning my first Stanley Cup after decades of trying, I went to my roster screen and noticed that half my team was suddenly listed as playing for Atlanta.
  
  
• The game includes an improved breakaway and shootout system that promises to completely revolutionize the way you randomly swing your stick back and forth before skating into the goalie without even getting a shot off.
  
  
• Fans of "Swingers", rejoice: You can finally make a player's head bleed again, although in a slightly different manner than previous versions. This year, instead of throwing a body check or winning a fight, you now cause blood to pour out of an opponent's ears by forcing him to listen to the Leafs' pre-game theme song "Free To Be".
  
  
• Negotiating long-term deals with free agents is so realistic that the game kept interrupting me with empty threats about voiding contracts I signed while playing NHL 10.
  
  
• The game includes an elaborate new "Ultimate Team" mode that allows you to build a dream team by mixing and matching trading cards, a feature that will no doubt prove extremely popular with gamers who accidentally buy NHL 11 because the game store was all out of Pokemon.
  
  
• There seems to have been some sort of audio mix-up with EA's FIFA soccer game. When I played a game in Montreal, the crowd just kept doing old soccer chants from the 1980s.
  
  
• The game features a fully customizable sound system with a slider for each element of background noise. For example, you can slide the music from "high" to "low", the crowd noise from "loud" to "silent", and Pierre McGuire from "excruciatingly loud" to "oh good lord even when I turn off the game I can still hear him in my nightmares".
  
  
• Oops…. Typo alert! For the 19th version in a row, the year listed in the game's title doesn't match the year in which the game is actually released.
  
  
• The game features an in-depth sneak preview of the 2012-13 version. To access it, follow these steps: Put down your controller; turn off your game system; and watch poker reruns on TV while drinking scotch and crying.
  
  
• Gone are the days of nondescript pixelated fans in the background; crowd detail is spectacular this year. For example, if you zoom in on the fans in the first few rows of the ACC crowd during overtime of a Leafs game, you can actually tell which stock prices they're absentmindedly looking up on their Blackberries.
  
  
• Unfortunately, it looks like the game's graphic design team got a little lazy when it came to player models. I was playing a game against the Canucks, and two-thirds of their top line looked exactly the same.
  
  
• Finally, here's a neat bonus offer: Look for a proof of purchase coupon inside the box. Collect ten, mail them to the NHL head office along with a self-addressed stamped envelope, and you'll receive a personally signed letter back from Gary Bettman congratulating you on becoming the new owner of the Phoenix Coyotes.
  

(Previous game reviews: NHL 10 | NHL 09)

A fond farewell to the retiring Kerry Fraser

Unfortunately, he found a pulse

After 30 years and over 1,900 games, this Sunday's Flyers/Rangers tilt will mark the final game of longtime NHL referee Kerry Fraser's career.

OK, OK, I know where you think I'm going with this. After all, Fraser's infamous missed call on Wayne Gretzky's high-stick arguably cost the Leafs a spot in the Stanley Cup Finals, and many fans have never forgiven him. I may even have mentioned it once or twice.

But whatever you may think about that incident, the fact remains that it was one call in long career. So rather than go the predictable route and use the occasion as one last chance to pile cheap shots on the poor guy, I'm going to take the high road and focus on the positive.

So in that spirit, I invite you to join me in celebrating a successful career with this list of Good Things About Kerry Fraser.

• Was an independent spirit, and not some weak-kneed conformist who made all his difficult decisions based on what's written down in some sort of "rule book".
  
  
• Taught you at an early age that life is unfair, justice is a myth, and that we live in a cold and uncaring universe that will feed you small morsels of hope only to crush and mock you -- all of which most people don't get to find out until they're much older.
  
  
• Is often unfairly referred to as "evil", which theologians will tell you is not only inaccurate but actually impossible as it implies the presence of a soul.
  
  
• Scientists researching the effects of severe head injuries say that the comment section of the Gretzky/Gilmour youtube video has proven to be an invaluable resource in locating victims of undiagnosed brain trauma.
  
  
• Had a distinctive hair style, which would have no doubt spawned countless hilarious jokes from the media if only they had ever noticed it.
  
  
• Always dealt graciously with criticism; in fact, you could give him the finger right in front of his face and he would just stand there as if he didn't even see it.
  
  
• By helping the Kings make it to the 1993 Conference Finals, he was at least partially responsible for the subsequent wave of expansion into southern American markets. And look how great that's worked out!
  
  
• If you were going to compile a list of best top red-headed sports officials of all time, you could make a pretty strong case for him being in the Top 100.
  
  
• As best anyone can tell, probably had nothing to do with the writing or recording of "Free to Be".
  
  
• By forcing Marty McSorley to use a stick with less curve, was indirectly responsible for the delivery of serious blunt force trauma to Donald Brashear's head.
  
  
• Has gone over ten years without screwing over any members of the Hartford Whalers.
  
  
• Certainly disproved that whole "vertical stripes make you look taller" myth.
  
  
• He's pretty much the last active NHLer who remembers what it's like to participate in a meaningful Leafs playoff game.

Ten reasons the Maple Leafs might fire Carlton the Bear

Hit the bricks, loser.

According to Sportsnet, which is a mainstream media organization with strict editorial standards and would therefore not be wrong about something like this, the Maple Leafs have fired Carlton the Bear. (Update: Carlton himself denies it.)

And while this news may come as a shock to some, sources tell me it's actually been in the making for some time. In fact, Carlton's employee file lists ten problems that contributed to his termination.

Thanks to my spies at the ACC, here's a full list of the reasons behind Carlton's dismissal.

• Timing made sense, since comprehensive no-movement clause given to him by John Ferguson Jr. finally expired.
  
  
• Signature "look" of a dark blue Maple Leafs jersey and no pants was widely acknowledged to have been stolen from Larry Tanenbaum.
  
  
• Lingering bitterness over that time he killed and ate Vesa Toskala's glove hand.
  
  
• Was never quite the same after his long-standing franchise raw fish eating record was shattered by Kyle Wellwood.
  
  
• Turns out it was his idea to get Alan Frew to record a song about the Leafs.
  
  
• The Blue Jays got rid of BJ Birdie in 1999, and MLSE has seen how well that worked out for them.
  
  
• Despite being a seven-foot-tall polar bear, still whimpered like a girl every time Colton Orr made eye contact.
  
  
• During course of a typical home game, repeatedly violated MLSE's strict employee policy of never intentionally interacting with any fans, ever.
  
  
• Team must respect clause in Jason Blake's contract stipulating that he always be the palest person in the organization.
  
  
• The team has only five wins all year; obviosuly someone has to be held accountable.