The faker's guide to being an NHL fan

The NHL regular season has finally arrived, and you know what that means: Everywhere you go, all anyone wants to talk about hockey! (If you're in Canada, "everyone" is everyone. If you're in the United States, "everyone" is that one really polite guy at work who talks kind of slow and might secretly be Canadian.)

But what if you're not a hockey fan? You could become one, but that sounds like work. No, what you want is to be able to plausibly fake it. So today, I'm going to walk you through the five key skills you'll need to pretend to be a hockey fan even though you're not.

Skill #1: Blame Gary Bettman for everything

Bettman has been NHL commissioner since 1993, and everything bad that has ever happened is his fault. I don't mean everything bad in the NHL since 1993—literally everything bad is a direct result of Bettman's existence. The 2004 lockout that wiped out an entire season? Bettman. The loser point? Bettman. That time in 1988 when two guys in raincoats ended up officiating a playoff game? Bettman. The routing of the French nobles at the Battle of Courtrai? Partly the marshy terrain and strategic positional advantage of the Flemish forces, but mostly Bettman.

I really can't stress this point enough: If you're going to fake your way through hockey fandom, complaining about Gary Bettman is the single most important skill you can learn. Get really good at it, and you might even get a job in the hockey media.

If you're ever involved in a conversation about hockey that you're not really following and it suddenly gets quiet and everyone looks at you like it's your turn to speak, just shake your head grimly and mutter "fucking Bettman." Then get ready for a round of high-fives.

>> Read the full post at Vice

Grantland: A Guide to the Last 18 Days of the NHL Schedule

It feels like just a few weeks ago that we were watching the NHL’s opening night. And it was. Thanks, Bettman!

But in this lockout-shortened season, we’re already in the home stretch. In fact, today is one of just 18 days left on the NHL schedule. In a perfect world, you’d watch them all. But in this imperfect world, there’s a good chance you’re stuck with things like “a job” or “family” or “friends,” so you have to pick your spots.

I’m here for you. I went through each of the remaining 18 days on the NHL regular-season calendar to figure out which were likely to be worth watching, and which could safely be skipped.

>> Read the full post at Grantland

Five hockey books for your last-minute shopping

One of the cool things that happens when you write a hockey book is that… hey, have I mentioned that I wrote a hockey book? I totally did write a hockey book. I probably should have brought it up on twitter or something, because I’m sure people would have been interested in hearing more information about that.

OK, I’ll shut up.

But as I was saying, one of the cool things that happens when you write a hockey book (which I did) is that other people who write them too start sending you free copies. So this fall, in between bouts of vaguely annoying spamming, I’ve been reading some excellent hockey books.

If you haven’t finished your Christmas shopping yet (and let’s face it, you haven’t), here are five titles to consider stuffing a few stockings with this year.

Journeyman, by Sean Pronger

Sean Pronger spent a decade in the NHL, including brief stints with… well, everyone. This is his story, and while it doesn’t involve the thrill of a championship or detailed descriptions of what it’s like to win hardware at the NHL awards show, that’s kind of the point. This isn’t the typical superstar’s biography – Pronger takes you the life of an NHLer who’s often just barely hanging onto a job.

I enjoyed it thoroughly, although I admit I got a weird vibe from the chapter titled “That time my younger brother strangled the blogger who kept making fun of him” that just reads “Coming in the next edition”.

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New at Grantland: What sport should hockey fans start following instead of the locked out NHL? A DGB flowchart

If you're like me, you're rapidly getting sick of the NHL and its perpetual lockouts. Maybe you've even considered dumping the league altogether and finding something else to watch. But what? Where should a former diehard hockey fan turn for their next obsession?

Well, it depends. But luckily I'm here to help. So head on over to Grantland to check out my latest flowchart: What sport should hockey fans start following instead of the locked out NHL?

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Take the quiz: How well do you really know the CBA negotiations?

For the last time Brian, no, we can't
just lock out the players from Ontario.

The weekend's expiration of the NHL collective bargaining agreement made official what everyone already knew was inevitable. We have a lockout. Again.

If you're like most fans, you've probably already formed an opinion about who's right and wrong. You've probably also shared that opinion, loudly, to anyone who'll listen. But do you really understand the complex details behind these negotiations? Take this quiz and find out.

In late July, the NHL responded to the NHLPA's request for more financial information by turning over 76,000 pages. Why were the documents so long?
a.) For sake of completeness, the document listed everyone who's ever been rumored to be buying the Phoenix Coyotes.
b.) For reasons nobody's completely clear on, the package contains all of Mitt Romney's old tax returns.
c.) The owners wanted to make a note of how much they hated Bob Goodenow, so the middle 75,980 pages are just the repetition of the word "very".

The players submitted a counter-proposal in August, but the owners didn't immediately offer an official response. Why not?
a.) It was a contract offer, so out of force of habit the owners immediately tried to figure out how to front-load it.
b.) One of the rich owners asked if the proposal included a comprehensive revenue sharing to help the struggling smaller markets, and then they all just laughed and laughed until it was time to go home.
c.) They were advised to completely ignore it by that one really hardline guy in the group who nobody recognizes but who come to think of it looks kind of like David Stern wearing Groucho Marx glasses and giggling.

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Don't Call It A Rollback: Gary Bettman's old-school message to the NHL's players and fans

Hey, did you hear about that new NHL video game that’s just been released?

No, not that one. Please. Hockey teams actually playing hockey? That’s so 2011.

This new game is a little bit more… realistic. And unlike that other one that puts all the focus on the players, this hot new release knows who the fans really want to see.

RSS readers, click here.

I can't wait for the sequel to come out in a few years. And a few years after that. And a few years after that...

Lyrics after the jump.

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Other "thank you" newspaper ads from NHL stars through the years

Rick Nash said his final farewell to the city of Columbus last week. Days after being traded to the New York Rangers, Nash purchased a full-page ad in the Columbus Dispatch, featuring a personal letter thanking Blue Jacket fans for their support.

While the move was widely hailed as classy, it wasn't especially original. After all, star players taking out a full-page ad on their way out of town has become a hockey tradition. There's practically a template at this point, and Nash followed it to the letter: The player's name at the top, the big full-color photograph, the personal note at the bottom.

Where have we seen that before? From plenty of other star players who were moving on, as it turns out. Let's take a look through some newspaper archives around the league.

Here's a good example of a classy goodbye by a departing free agent.

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Countdown to opening night: Remaining offseason tasks for the Winnipeg Jets

And nine months later, a beautiful
leafy-airplane baby was born.

The Winnipeg Jets took their latest step in their NHL rebirth on Friday when they released their much anticipated logo. After months of speculation, fans now have a visual representation of Canada's newest team.

The logo was just the latest step in a long process that began in May when the rumoured relocation of the Atlanta Thrashers became reality. Since then the Jets have sold thousands of season tickets, announced their team name, made their first draft picks, hired a new GM and coaching staff, and resigned captain Andrew Ladd.

That's an impressive start, but there's still more to do. Getting a NHL team up and running is a daunting job, and with less than two months until training camp the Jets still have plenty of outstanding items left on their checklist. Here's a sample of some of the work the team still has to do before they hit the ice.

• Create a promotional DVD to get fans excited about young star Evander Kane, which shouldn't take long since it just needs to be a clip of the Matt Cooke fight on a 90-minute loop.
  
  
• Organize some sort of orientation for lifelong Atlanta Thrasher players who will be now dealing with issues they've never faced before such as a harsh climate, Canadian tax laws, and fans.
  
  
• Figure out some way to make ice in time for the home opener on October 9th, since every flat surface in Winnipeg isn't normally covered in several inches of ice until October 15th.
  
  
• File the paperwork to have that playground near the arena renamed "Hey Bryzgalov, enjoy getting booed and pelted with batteries in Philadelphia" Memorial Park.
  

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The biggest free agent signings of 2011

Tomas Vokoun, moments after being informed
of the contract terms his agent just agreed to.

We're now twelve days into the NHL's free agency period, and the signings have slowed to a trickle. But while this year's free agent class was widely dismissed as the weakest in years, it did feature a handful of big name players who found new homes during the early frenzy.

Let's take a look back at some of the signings most likely to make an impact in the years to come.

Jaromir Jagr, Philadelphia

The good: Despite repeated requests over the years, wisely insisted on delaying his return to North America until he was absolutely positive his mullet was in game shape.
The bad: Forgotten sports stars attempting improbable comebacks rarely find success in Philadelphia until they've murdered a few dogs first.
Worth noting: Has previously played for the Penguins, Capitals and Rangers, meaning he's apparently aware of the same four NHL teams as Gary Bettman.

Tomas Vokoun, Washington

The good: Was willing to take an enormous discount from his expected contract value because he wanted to play on a team that could make a deep playoff run.
The bad: Due to a clerical error, wound up signing in Washington instead.
Worth noting: Will provide the Capitals with the best goaltending they've had since 1999, which is also presumably the year his agent was born.

Tim Connolly, Toronto

The good: Toronto is a perfect fit for a player with a history of concussions, since the ACC is the closest thing the league has to a permanent quiet room.
The bad: He recently compared the Maple Leafs to the New York Yankees, so he could be distracted by having every Yankee fan he meets from now on trying to punch him.
Worth noting: It may be a bad sign that the last time Brian Burke and Ron Wilson assembled this many Americans on one roster they became the only team in hockey history to lose a big game to Roberto Luongo.

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The other former star players interviewed for Colin Campbell's job

My very own copy of the flowchart? Awesome!

The NHL surprised fans on Wednesday when they announced that controversial disciplinarian Colin Campbell would resign his post and be replaced by Brendan Shanahan.

Shanahan is a natural choice for the job, but sources tell me he wasn't the only candidate. It turns out that several other star players from Shanahan's era were interviewed, and I've managed to obtain a top secret transcript of the proceedings.

Scene: Gary Bettman's office.

Gary Bettman: Well Brendan, that wraps up the interview. And I think Colin and I can agree that you completely nailed it.

Brendan Shanahan: Hey, thanks guys.

Colin Campbell: You're a perfect fit for this job. But before we can make it official, we do have some other candidates to interview.

Bettman: Yeah, you know how it is. We need to make sure everyone gets a chance to speak with us. After all, you're not the only former NHL star who might be interested in the job.

Shanahan: Oh. OK, I guess that makes sense.

Bettman: Great, thanks for understanding. (Into phone intercom): Send in Jeremy Roenick.

Female voice on intercom: Right away, sir.

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Surprises from the NHL's brief filed in the NFL labour dispute

Everyone who's really serious about
reducing concussions, raise your hand...

Football fans are having a rough off-season. With a messy NFL labour dispute heading into its third month with no end in sight, fans now have reason to fear that the league may lose part of the upcoming season to a work stoppage, if not the entire year.

Of course, that's a feeling hockey fans know all too well. And this week, the NHL found itself linked to the football labour dispute in a more concrete way. The league reportedly made an appearance in the protracted courtroom battle between the NFL and it's decertified players association, filing a legal brief urging a judge to side with the owners.

The move caught many observers off-guard, and raised an obvious question: What sort of insight could the NHL really have to offer into football's problems?

Plenty, as it turns out. I managed to obtain a top secret copy of the NHL's brief, and found that it contains detailed advice that NFL owners will no doubt find invaluable. Here's a selection of highlights from the filing:

• The cover page of the document has a note in what appears to be NFL commissioner Roger Goodell's handwriting reading "Should I have heard of these guys?"
  
  
• The brief contains a lengthy section titled "How to keep a straight face if the players start to swear that they'll never accept a hard salary cap."
  
  
• The league includes a helpful suggestion that the NFL consider generating some publicity by holding an outdoor game at a football stadium.
  
  
• From force of habit, the brief includes multiple references to the Winnipeg Cardinals.
  

Read the rest of this post...

A brief history of NHL suspensions

In hindsight, it was the wrong time to
try to start a round of limbo.

The big news this week was Matt Cooke's elbow to the head of Ryan McDonagh and the NHL's swift and significant response. With most fans and observers calling for a lengthy ban, league disciplinarian Colin Campbell suspended the Penguin winger for the remainder of the season and the first round of the playoffs.

But while Cooke's extended vacation may mark the longest suspension of the year, it's far from the biggest in NHL history. As long-time fans know, the league has compiled a long list of lengthy and often controversial disciplinary decisions. Cooke is the latest player to stride well past the league's constantly moving line in the sand, but he's in good company.

So for those of us with time on our hands - hi Matt! - let's take a walk through the record books and look back at some of the most famous suspensions in recent NHL history.

February, 2000 - Marty McSorley learns that while yes, you never want to make the same mistake twice and yes, it does seem to be perfectly smooth and just the right radius, it's still not appropriate to use the side of Donald Brashear's head to test the legality of the curve on your stick blade.

December, 2008 - Gary Bettman suspends Sean Avery for six games for comments that the commissioner describes as "disgusting", "offensive" and "wrong", shortly after Avery wonders aloud whether the league might want to try promoting somebody other than Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin for a change.

March, 2011 - Islanders' forward Trevor Gillies is suspended for 10 games or 15 minutes of actual ice-time, whichever comes first.

May, 1993 - Dale Hunter receives a 21-game suspension for viciously body checking Islanders' center Pierre Turgeon in mid-celebration. While the suspension seems harsh, it's worth pointing out that Turgeon's celebration was taking place in a quiet corner of a romantic restaurant and was for his wedding anniversary.

June, 2007 - The Montreal Canadiens hire a local stunt man to spend four years playing the role of "doomed forward Max Pacioretty" in an elaborate but ultimately unsuccessful attempt to get Zdeno Chara suspended for a few games, thinks Mark Recchi.

October, 1995 - Tie Domi is suspended eight games for sucker punching Ulf Samuelsson, after his attempt to argue that the incident was a momentary and unplanned lapse in judgment is undermined when league officials point out that he had to drag a stepladder onto the ice to do it.

January, 2005 - By claiming that an extended lockout and the cancellation of an entire season is necessary in order to keep ticket prices low, Gary Bettman calls for a record-setting suspension of fans' disbelief.

December, 2007 - After intentionally stomping on the leg of Pittsburgh's Jarkko Ruutu, Islanders enforcer Chris Simon receives a record-setting 30-game suspension when a careful examination of the replay indicates that Ruutu was not injured.

November, 2009 - The league suspends defenceman Chris Pronger for six games after announcing that, according to a league spokesman, "we haven't heard from him in a while and he must have done something". An outraged Pronger maintains his innocence to reporters gathered in the dressing room, before awkwardly refusing to answer questions about the human femur poking out from his locker.

August, 2004 - An unprecedented lifetime ban is imposed on whichever Ottawa Senator scout is in charge of watching goaltenders, presumably.

May, 1989 - Ron Hextall is suspended for 12 games after attacking Chris Chelios at the end of a playoff series. While horrified onlookers originally fear that Hextall's vicious assault may have killed Chelios, the defenceman eventually rises to his feet, mumbles something about brains, and then slowly shuffles off to play for another 21 seasons.

Matt Cooke's suspension hearing: The top secret transcript

Hey Matt, I've lost count, how
many suspensions is that now?

Scene: The NHL's head office, inside a window-lined boardroom with "Department of Supplemental Discipline" written on the door. Colin Campbell, Mike Murphy and Gary Bettman sit at one end of a large table, with Matt Cooke and Mario Lemieux at the other.

Colin Campbell: Hi Matt. Welcome to the hearing. Did you have any trouble finding a parking spot?

Matt Cooke: Nah, I just parked out front in the "Reserved for Matt Cooke" space.

Campbell: Great. So I've watched the replay of this Ryan McDonagh hit a dozen times. It sure looks like you're intentionally targeting a defenceless opponent with a flagrant elbow to the head. How can you possibly defend your actions?

Cooke: Um... it was an accident?

Campbell: An accident.

Cooke (hesitantly): ... Yes?

A long pause. Campbell stares at Cooke intently before finally breaking the silence.

Campbell: Great, well thanks for clearing that up. Zero games. Sorry for troubling you.

Campbell and Murphy begin gathering up their papers and prepare to leave the room. Cooke looks around in confusion.

Gary Bettman: Uh, everyone? Could we hold on just a second? Maybe we could talk about this one a little more?

Campbell and Murphy stop in the doorway.

Campbell: Well, sure, I guess. If you want to.

Bettman: You know, just since we have the room booked and all.

Campbell (returning to his seat): OK. Well, since I've already subjected Matt to in-depth questioning... Mario, do you have anything to say?

Mario Lemieux: Do I have to?

Campbell: Yes.

Lemieux (sighing): Fine. Look, he's on my team. He's one of my players, technically. So... you know... don't suspend him, I guess.

Campbell: That's very helpful, thanks.

Lemieux: I need to leave now.

Lemieux bolts out the door.

Campbell: Thanks Mario. Our next witness is scheduled to be... hmm, what does it say on my sheet here... "a world-renowned and completely impartial hockey expert, named... Dr. Wario Mellieux".

A man who looks oddly like Mario Lemieux wearing a moustache made out of duct tape walks into the room.

Campbell: Dr. Mellieux, your thoughts?

Mellieux: Matt Cooke is an abomination, a scumbag, an embarrassment, everything that's wrong with the game. I hate him. He should be banned for life.

Cooke: Dude...

Mellieux: And also, he shouldn't count against the salary cap while he's suspended.

They're interrupted by a figure poking his head in the door.

Trevor Gillies: You wanted to see me, Colin?

Campbell: Uh... no.

Gillies (looking down at a newspaper with headline reading "Hockey's biggest cheapshot artist facing suspension yet again"): Oh. Oops, my mistake.

Campbell: No problem Trevor. Talk to you in a few weeks.

Gillies: Sure thing. By the way, whoever's driving the Mercedes Benz with the "MARIO66" vanity plates, I smashed into it from behind. Sorry.

Mellieux: Son of a...

Delivery guy (entering room): OK, who ordered the large pizza with extra cheese and...

Matt Cooke leaps to his feet and begins elbowing the delivery guy repeatedly in the head.

Bettman: Matt...

Cooke: Oops... my bad. Sorry everyone. Force of habit.

Bettman: Don't worry about it. Hey, at least you didn't slam his face into a stanchion!

Zdeno Chara (poking his head through a window): I heard that!

Cooke: Aren't we on the third floor?

Bettman: Never mind that. Look Matt, your hit was very dangerous, but you're here to defend yourself. So go ahead, tell us why we shouldn't throw the book at you.

Cooke: Look, I know I've made mistakes. I'm a physical player and yes, I step over the line sometimes. But so do lots of players, and most of them don't get big suspensions.

Campbell: Exactly. I went easy on Dany Heatley and Brad Marchand, and I didn't suspend Chara at all...

Mellieux (under his breath): Or that jerk who took out Marc Savard.

Campbell: Shush. The point is, plenty of players do dirty things without getting suspended. Why start getting tough now, right?

Cooke: Exactly! I mean, honestly, is hitting one guy in the head really any more dirty that smashing a guy in the face repeatedly with your elbow pad, the way Gregory Campbell did against Montreal...

The room immediately goes silent.

Cooke: Uh... I mean...

Everyone is too horrified to speak.

Campbell (calmly): I'm sorry, Matt, could you repeat that? Any more dirty than who?

Cooke (deer in headlights): Uh... uh...

Campbell (nonchalantly rolling up his sleeves): Everyone leave the room please.

Murphy sprints for the door. Dr. Mellieux leaves his chair spinning, while Bettman leaps over the table. The pizza delivery guy struggles to commando-crawl out the door, which is then quickly slammed and padlocked shut. The group huddles fearfully in the hallway for several moments.

Campbell (from inside the room): Incoming!

An airborne Matt Cooke smashes through the window and lands in the hallway. Campbell steps through the broken glass and pauses over Cook's dazed body.

Campbell (dusting himself off): When he comes to, tell him he's done until the second round of the playoffs. After all, we have to send a message that there are certain lines that just can't be crossed.

---

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More angry letters to Gary Bettman

"Hate mail. Hate mail. Monthly kickback
cheque from David Stern... Hate mail."

Last week was a rough one for Gary Bettman. The commisioner had to fight fires on two fronts, with a deteriorating ownership situation in Phoenix overlapping with Zdeno Chara's controversial hit on Max Pacioretty.

As if that wasn't enough, Bettman now seems to be facing a rebellion from his corporate partners. Air Canada fired the first shot on Wednesday when they released a letter expressing concern about the league's perceived violence problem. Via Rail followed up with a similar letter on Friday.

Fan reaction to the letters was split. Some argued that they were a cynical attempt to score public relations points, while others felt that it was about time a league partner stood up for player safety. But whichever side you're on, there was an important point that almost all fans missed: Angry letters to the league from corporate sponsors aren't remotely unusual.

In fact, Bettman receives correspondence from his partners all the time, and most of them are complaining about something. To prove the point, inside sources raided Bettman's inbound mailbox over the weekend and supplied me some of his most recent feedback from corporate sponsors. As you'll see, it's not pretty.

***

Dear Gary,

We're always looking for new ideas, and we certainly appreciate you taking the time to send us your suggestions. But with all due respect, we're pretty sure that "Roll Up The Rim To Lose, But Still Get a Point For Reasons Nobody Quite Understands" would be a disaster.

Thanks anyways,
Tim Hortons

***

Dear Gary,

Are you serious? It's bad enough that part of our sponsorship agreement says we need to have half our fleet circling the arena in Phoenix at all times, but now you expect us to deploy to Atlanta too?

Sincerely,
Acme Moving Vans Inc.

***

Dear Gary,

Is there anything you can do about the Leafs' recent run at a playoff spot? We've made billions in profits since the lockout thanks to Toronto-based anti-depressant sales, and now we're all on the verge of bankruptcy.

Warmly,
The Association of Canadian Pharmaceutical Companies

***

Dear Gary,

This is to inform you that I am seriously considering terminating my sponsorship agreement with the NHL. Given some of the recent on-ice events, I'm concerned that a continued association with your league could negatively affect my image.

Your pal,
Hosni Mubarak

***

Dear Gary,

This is out of control. We just spent two years and almost $200M on the filming of Transformers 3, and when we went to edit it we found Ryan Kesler lurking in the background of every single shot.

Please do something,
Paramount Pictures

***

Dear Gary,

We're writing to express our deep concern over how exactly we're supposed to include this year's Colorado Avalanche in our upcoming release of our NHL 2012 game. As you know, our current ratings systems isn't designed to accept negative numbers.

Yours,
EA Sports

***

Dear Gary,

Thank you for your recent correspondence, in which you complained about certain elements of NBC's coverage of the NHL. I am writing to assure you that all senior management here were completely appalled by your note and are treating it extremely seriously, as they were completely unaware that NBC has been broadcasting NHL hockey. Needless to say, we'll be rectifying this situation as soon as possible.

Thanks again,
NBC Sports

***

Dear Gary,

Any chance you could ask the networks to stop showing so many close ups of the press box? Every time they do, refund requests on our high-definition TVs go through the roof.

Your friends,
Sony Corporation

***

Hi Gary,

In answer to your questions: Yes, we've had tremendous success selling touch-based games on our app store. Yes, we're aware that certain Canadian teams are very popular. No, we're still not interested in your proposal for "Angry Burkes".

Thanks anyway,
Apple

***

Dear Gary,

I know that you're hearing plenty of complaints this week. I just wanted to reach out to you in this difficult time and urge you to ignore the criticism. Your administration is, as always, doing a fantastic job for your corporate partners. Heck, I for one know that our business has never been better, thanks to you.

All the best,
Ernie's Emporium of Stretchers, Neck Braces and Wheelchairs

Waiver Wire: Evgeni Nabokov meets with Gary Bettman

You may have heard that Evgeni Nabokov isn't very happy. He recently went from signing a contract with the contending Detroit Red Wings to being claimed on waivers by the last place Islanders. So far he's refused to support, but he may be running out of options if he wants to continue his career next season.

So what's a goalie to do? If you're Nabokov, you arrange for a top secret hearing with commissioner Gary Bettman to plead his case. Luckily for us, DGB hidden cameras were there to record the conversation. I have to honest... I feel like it probably could have gone better for Evgeni.

(RSS viewers, click here to see the video.)

• Download the mp3
• Follow Bloge Salming at his new home at Houses Of The Hockey.

The lyrics:

(Gary Bettman)
Take this guy! Take that guy!
Take that name! Make that claim!
The wire came down, gloves came off!
(Waiver Wire!)
[bleep] you, Nabakov!
Fool what you want? A forward or D?
Fool what you want? One goalie or three?
You sad? (Snap'em up)
Too bad! (Grab 'em up)
Should have stayed out of the KHL (Go to hell!)

(Garth Snow)
Garth Snow, GM of the Isles
And you won't be playing again for a while
Backing up Rick DiPietro
Always in rebuild mode
(Nabakov: "But I'd much rather play for a contender...")
So?
You think I don't know that? (Charles Wang: BLAW!)
Nabby hold that! (BLAW!) Nabby hold that! (BLAW!) Nabby hold that!
From the Isle comrade, you know the pace
We're 900 and 99 points short of eighth place

(Bettman)
Waiver Wire! Claim that fool!
Waiver Wire! Go take that fool!
It's the perfect timin’, to do some blind-sidin'
Go and grab your new fourth-liner! Huh!
Waiver Wire! Claim that fool!
Waiver Wire! Go take that fool!
Get him (get him) get him! Sit him (sit him) Sit him!
Grab him! (Nab him!) Grab him! (Nab him!)

(Kyle Wellwood)
The Sharks you know, they really friendly
Mention seafood, make me hungry
You doing what you should, a team's picking you up for good
But you're gonna need a crane if you're picking up Wellwood
Waiver Wire! Harpoon that whale!
You're gonna be sorry when I break that scale!
When you're picking a club, bring your damn lunch money
Cause those fools with the blogs and fat jokes ain't funny.

(Marek Svatos)
I tried to sign with the Blues, (Marek what you sayin?)
Then my agent calls me up and tells me I ain't playing
It's Predator time, Nashville time
(Waiver wire) It's yellow uniform time
I heard the Blues music but this player ain't dancing
They caught a Predator like they was Chris Hansen
Treating me like I'm some for-hire desperado
Doesn't matter to me as long as it's not Colorado

(Bettman)
Waiver Wire! Claim that fool!
Waiver Wire! Go take that fool!
It's the perfect timin’, to do some blind-sidin'
Go and grab your new fourth-liner! Huh!
Waiver Wire! Claim that fool!
Waiver Wire! Go take that fool!
Get him (get him) get him! Sit him (sit him) Sit him!
Grab him! (Nab him!) Grab him! (Nab him!)

So you've become a hockey fan: Gary Bettman's post-Winter Classic FAQ

If you're a terrible commissioner and you
know it, karate chop an invisible midget.

After months of anticipation, the 2011 outdoor Winter Classic has come and gone. Thanks in part to HBO's behind-the-scenes 24/7 Penguins/Capitals documentary, this year's version of the NHL's showcase event was a big win for the league -- the most watched regular season game in the United States in over 30 years.

Great. So what now? How does the NHL capitalize on that success?

It won't surprise fans to learn that Gary Bettman has a plan. While I can't reveal my sources, I've come into possession of a top secret memo that Bettman recently sent to deputy commissioner Bill Daly.

***

Well Bill, the Winter Classic looks like it was an unqualified success. The ratings were fantastic, the fans had a great time, and the HBO 24/7 series was a huge hit. I think it's safe to assume that we'll be seeing a massive influx of new fans any day now.

To help our new fans understand the NHL, I took the liberty of putting together a list of frequently asked questions. Please give it a once over, and then have a copy mailed to every household in the United States. Overnight delivery. Thanks.

Commissioner Bettman, I really enjoyed the Winter Classic and 24/7, and am now considering becoming an NHL fan. However, I find the sport very confusing and I'm having trouble figuring out what's going on.
You and me both! But don't worry, it's easy enough to figure out if you sit through a few games, I'm told. And just to make it as simple as possible, I'll be glad to walk you through any questions you may have.

First things first: Are there other NHL teams besides the Penguins and Capitals?
Nope!

Wait, really?
OK, sure, in the strictest technical sense there are other teams in the league. In addition to the Penguins and Capitals, there are also the Flyers, Rangers, Red Wings, Blackhawks and… um… the Lakers. Look, it really doesn't matter. Just pay attention to the Penguins and Capitals and everyone will be happy.

Cool, so both those teams will have long playoff runs?
You know what, maybe just focus on the Penguins.

OK, so I'm watching my first post-Classic hockey game. What are the key differences I should be looking for?
Well, for one thing the game is indoors. The coaches aren't dressed like characters from an Archie comic. And there's a good chance that there's only a few hundred people in the stands. Other than that, though, it's pretty much the same.

Wait, did you say the game is indoors? Because it looks like it's raining even harder than it was at the Classic.
You must be watching a Devils home game. Those are the fans' tears.

Why is the puck sliding all around in this game instead of bouncing around randomly like a ping pong ball?
That's what happens when the games are played on a substance called "ice", instead of a slushy mess. It can make the game pretty boring, since the puck always goes where the players are trying to make it go. But don't worry, by the time the playoffs get here everything will be back to how you're used to.

I enjoyed the Winter Classic, but why was it played at night? I much prefer watching sports in the afternoon.
I know, right? Never fear, the Winter Classic was only played at night because of last-minute weather concerns. Rest assured that every other NBC game you ever see will take place in the afternoon.

Awesome! Even when it starts getting hot and all my neighbours are outside barbecuing and having fun?
Especially when it starts getting hot and all your neighbours are outside barbecuing and having fun!

One thing I didn't appreciate about 24/7 was all the swearing. Will I have to put up with that during every NHL game?
No. HBO aired uncensored clips of players and coaches, but those are never included in typical NHL broadcasts. You won't have to worry about being assaulted by a stream of increasingly frantic f-bombs during a regular game, unless you happen to be sitting next to a Toronto Maple Leafs fan.

Toronto? There are teams in Canada?
Next question!

OK Gary, bottom line: I'm a busy sports fan and I have to be pretty selective with what I watch. Why should I become an NHL fan? What can your league offer me that other sports can't?
We play the most beautiful game ever created. No sport has ever combined speed, strength, grace and brutality the way hockey does. Our players are the toughest in the world, we have a rich history, and we compete for the greatest trophy in all of sports.

Meh.
Um… Did I mention we got Stan Lee to draw a bunch of ridiculous superhero characters for all the teams?

I'm in!
Welcome aboard!

Come on down: A history of the NHL's game show appearances

He later became a Leaf fan and
changed his name to Guy Frowny.

The NHL made an unexpected pop culture appearance this week when the Maple Leafs were the subject of a question on the game show Jeopardy!.

The question ("In action since 1917, this sports franchise is now largely owned by the Ontario Teachers' Pension Plan") may have been somewhat ironic given recent news of a potential sale to Rogers, but it wasn't especially difficult. Two of the three contestants knew the correct answer, including Tom, the eventual champion. Hey, plan the parade, right?

But while it was certainly fun to see the Leafs make a cameo on one of the world's most popular game shows, it wasn't an especially rare sight. It may surprise younger fans to learn that the NHL actually has a long and distinguished history of showing up on some of television's most beloved games shows, albeit with mixed results.

Here's a few of the more memorable examples.

2008 - After multiple attempts to explain the rules of the bidding portion of the game, exasperated producers for The Price Is Right are forced to disqualify Glen Sather after he is unable to grasp the concept of "without going over".

1994 - While trying to figure out a way to get the blood and shards of teeth out of his hair, Family Feud host Richard Dawson vows to never again get lippy with the Sutter brothers.

1999 - Despite following the proven formula of using a bland former lawyer as host, the NHL Network is disappointed by the negative critical reception and record low ratings for their production of Win Gil Stein's Money.

2004 - During an uncomfortable episode of Wheel of Fortune, Gary Bettman spends 20 minutes squinting at a board reading "NOBODY IN PHOENIX ENJOYS WATCHING HOC-EY" without being able to solve the puzzle.

1995 - The Hollywood Squares becomes incredibly dull and begins to plummet in the ratings during the years after special guests Jacques Lemaire and Lou Lamoreillo develop a strategy that involves never doing anything except going for the block.

2005 - An outraged Kyle Wellwood storms off the set off Tic Tac Dough after learning that he is playing for an assortment of cash and prizes, and not for actual tic tacs and dough.

2009 - In a short-lived effort to appeal to hockey fans, NBC launches a show called Deal or No Deal or To Be Honest I'd Love To Make a Deal But I Can't Do Anything Until The Trade Deadline Because of This Stupid Salary Cap.

2010 - Lightning goaltender Dan Ellis declines an invitation to appear on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? on the grounds that it would just end up creating more problems.

2007 - A special "Enforcers of the NHL" edition of The Weakest Link unexpectedly turns out to be the series' final episode, although it does teach viewers a valuable lesson about what happens when you accidentally call Link Gaetz "weak".

1984 - Frustrated Press Your Luck host Peter Tomarken stops the show to explain to a St. Louis Blues fan contestant that while inconsistent goaltending is certainly an issue for any hockey team, there's still no need to punctuate every spin with cries of "No Wamsleys!"

2006 - "NHL Arena Music Director" week on Name That Tune ends up being a disaster when it turns out that none of them are able to name any tune that isn't Welcome To The Jungle, Cotton-Eyed Joe, or that one where they just keep saying "Woo-hoo".

1986 - A young John Ferguson Jr. appears on Let's Make A Deal, trades a brand new car for a goat, and then immediately gives the goat a no-trade clause.

Gary Bettman's flowchart for dealing with NHL scandals

The NHL is coming off yet another tough week on the PR front. The Colin Campbell email controversy continues to rage, despite the league's best efforts to assure everyone that it's no big deal.

Of course, the Campbell story is only the latest in a growing list of controversies that Gary Bettman's administration has had to deal with recently. We saw the messy accusations of bias against referee Stephane Auger earlier this year. The Phoenix Coyotes saga continues to drag on with no end in sight. And let's not even get into the seemingly endless parade of owners who find themselves embroiled in various financial conflicts.

But to his credit, Bettman doesn't let those close to him off the hook. Just like players and coaches, league officials are held to high standards and can face serious repercussions for stepping out of line. The league has a strict policy in place for ensuring accountability and they follow it to the letter. Last week's Campbell situation was only the latest example.

Here, thanks to my spies at the NHL head office, is the league's official document for handling high-level scandals and controversies.

Larger version / download

Differences between the NHL all-star fantasy draft and your fantasy draft

Um, kid, don't turn around, but there's a
terrible player staring at you right now.

The NHL showed its creative side this week with the announcement of a bold new format for the annual all-star game. Instead of featuring the East vs. West or North America vs. the World formats used in previous seasons, this year's game will see teams captained by two of the league's star players.

But the real selling point is the way the teams will be chosen. The two captains will be given a list of eligible players, and will take turns filling their rosters in a televised draft on the Friday of all-star weekend.

The league is trying to sell the idea to fans as a "fantasy draft". But is it? Most NHL fans have experienced a fantasy draft or two in their day. And they'll probably realize that, inspired as it may be, this all-star draft will differ from a typical fantasy draft in several important ways.

Your fantasy draft: The owner of the first pick is determined by drawing names out of a hat.
NHL all-star draft: The owner of the first pick is determined by drawing names out of a hat, all of which have been rigged to say "Sidney Crosby".

NHL all-star draft: The entire draft is broadcast to fans on national television in the US and Canada.
Your fantasy draft: The entire draft is broadcast to the guy with the cubicle next to the boardroom who keeps mumbling about having actual work to do.

Your fantasy draft: The league is managed by a commissioner who's usually some loud-mouthed, annoying, self-professed hockey expert who everyone barely tolerates but secretly despises.
NHL all-star draft: Gary Bettman has never claimed to be a hockey expert.

NHL all-star draft: Anyone who doesn't draft Chris Pronger risks making him angry, leading to the possibility of getting elbowed in the throat during a subsequent game.
Your fantasy draft: The odds of Chris Pronger actually taking the time to personally hunt you down and injure you are probably less than 80%.

Your fantasy draft: The proceedings inevitably grind to a halt because of some guy who has never actually participated in a draft before and doesn't know what he's supposed to do.
NHL all-star draft: To prevent that from happening, the league will avoid inviting any Maple Leaf scouts.

Your fantasy draft: You can find out how your team did by checking your league's web site.
NHL all-star draft: You can find out how your team did by checking the last four seconds of an ESPN SportsCenter broadcast.

Your fantasy draft: It can be a little bit frustrating when somebody drafts a good player one pick before you were planning to.
NHL all-star draft: It can be more than a little bit frustrating when somebody drafts your identical twin brother one pick before you were planning to.

Your fantasy draft: You're basically drafting players who can score as many points as possible, with virtually no regard to defensive abilities.
NHL all-star draft: Wait, sorry, what are "defensive abilities"?

Your fantasy draft: Before drafting a player, it's a good idea to make sure he's healthy by quickly checking the internet.
NHL all-star draft: Before drafting a player, it's a good idea to make sure he's healthy by checking him headfirst into the end boards and seeing whether he can still get up.

NHL all-star draft: A Bruins goaltender is selected early, when Tim Thomas hears his name called.
Your fantasy draft: A Bruins goaltender is selected early, when you draft Tuuka Rask in the third round because that's what the "experts" told you to do and then you watch him lose his starting job on the season's opening weekend and basically ruin your chances of ever winning anything and making you want to smash your computer monitor over your own head every time you check your league standings, not that this happened to me.

Your fantasy draft: Nobody drafts any New York Islanders.
NHL all-star draft: Same.

Shocking revelations from Kerry Fraser's new book

We need someone to crush DGB's teenage
dreams, raise your hand if you volunteer.

Despite his officiating career ending in April, former NHL referee Kerry Fraser has been back in the public eye lately. Fraser has been making the publicity rounds for his new book The Final Call, which details his 30 years as an official.

As the league's all-time leader in games worked, Fraser has a treasure trove of stories and insights to share with fans. And while some fans still insist on focusing on a small handful of controversial moments in his career, the book goes well beyond those few isolated incidents. Fraser pulls no punches in describing the life of an official both on and off the ice, including several details that have never been discussed publicly.

While my advanced copy of the book has mysteriously failed to arrive yet, various sources within the publishing industry have confirmed several explosive revelations.

• Apparently there was some sort of controversial call involving the Leafs and Kings a few years back, and it's sort of surprising that nobody ever brings that up anymore.
  
  
• Despite the paranoid fantasies of your childhood Fraser did not actually "hate" your favourite team or player, but instead hated you, personally.
  
  
• All NHL referees dread running into commissioner Gary Bettman, since they inevitably end up having to spend an hour explaining why they don't call travelling more often.
  
  
• According to an emotional passage on the first page, the entire book is dedicated to Bill McCreary's moustache.
  
  
• Contrary to popular belief, the phrase "Screw the Vancouver Canucks" does not appear anywhere within main body of the NHL rule book, and only three times in the appendix.
  
  
• In one of those quirky sports coincidences, every one of the 2,165 games Fraser ever officiated ended in a tie.
  
  
• Whenever you call in for a video review they always tell you that they're "experiencing unusually high call volumes", as if you don't know that they're just too cheap to hire more customer service reps.
  
  
• He owns a share of the all-time record for "most all-star game penalties called", with zero.
  
  
• He was steered into refereeing by a high school guidance counsellor who thought he might enjoy having every single decision he made for the rest of his life second-guessed by angry drunk people.
  
  
• The book contains 50 full color photographs, 47 of which are shots of small children in Maple Leaf jerseys crying.
  
  
• Prior to working the Nagano Olympics in 1998, he jokingly told Team Canada coach Marc Crawford that international rules barred players with jersey numbers higher than 90 from taking part in the shootout.
  
  
• During the 1986 playoffs, he once gave Al Secord a game misconduct penalty for humming "We Built This City" during the pregame warmup.
  
  
• When he called the infamous illegal stick penalty on Marty McSorley in the 1993 Cup finals, the Kings' enforcer told him "Wow, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me that didn't involve Wendel Clark's fist turning my orbital bone into a pulpy shard-filled paste".
  
  
• Up until 1982, the entire NHL rulebook was written on the back of a matchbook from a pub in Raymore, Saskatchewan.
  
  
• He could never understand why fans in all 30 NHL cities always chanted “Bruuuuce” at him from the moment he stepped on the ice every night, because duh, his name isn’t Bruce.
  
  
• During instant replay reviews in the Toronto war room, NHL vice-president of hockey operations Mike Murphy refuses to rule on any disputed goal until he's been able to recreate it exactly using the bubble hockey game he keeps in his office.
  
  
• The book's foreword by Wayne Gretzky contains a bunch of really obvious typos and grammatical errors, but somehow Fraser failed to see them.