Which player had the single worst playoff game in NHL history?

Who had the worst playoff game ever?

I don’t know. You don’t either. I’m not sure the question even has an answer, because “worst game” is such a subjective category. We’re looking for performances here – i.e. not factoring in injury or tragedy, because come on – but even that’s still pretty broad.

But if I know hockey fans, I know there’s not much we love more than reliving terrible games. So as we make our way to the midpoint of the first round, let’s look back and see if we can conjure up some miserable memories while hoping your favorite team doesn’t add anyone to the list in the coming days and weeks.

Let’s remember some sighs.

>> Read the full post at The Athletic

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A brief history of the Maple Leafs trading for defensemen

The Maple Leafs pulled off a major trade on Monday, acquiring Jake Muzzin from the Kings for a first-round pick and two prospects. For the most part, early reactions were positive for Toronto and the deal undeniably makes them better in the short term.

Of course, that doesn’t mean the move will work out in the long run. That’s the funny thing about trades; you can never be quite sure how they’ll be viewed in hindsight. That can be especially true when you’re dealing for help on the blueline, where finding the right fit for the right player can be tricky even if the price tag makes sense.

Luckily, the Leafs have plenty of experience in this area. Today, let’s crack open the history books and look back on the last 30 years of the Toronto Maple Leafs trading for blueline help. This isn’t meant to be a comprehensive list of each and every defenceman the team has acquired during that span (as much as I’m looking forward to all the comments along the lines of “Ummm, no Gord Kruppke?”), but we’ll cover off most of the bigger names.

Some of these moves worked. Some of them didn’t. Some of them were just confusing. And someday down the road, we’ll be able to look back and know which category the Muzzin deal belongs in.

The blockbusters

“Blockbuster” is admittedly subjective, and there may be other deals on this list that you’d argue belong in this category. But in the modern history of Leafs’ blueline deals, these three stand out. And maybe somewhat surprisingly, from a Leafs’ perspective, they mostly hold up well in hindsight.

The trade: On January 31, 2010, the Leafs sent Matt Stajan, Niklas Hagman, Ian White and Jamal Mayers to Calgary for Dion Phaneuf, Fredrik Sjostrom and Keith Aulie.

The situation: This was the first full season of the Brian Burke era and it was not going well. With the Leafs near the bottom of the league and without their own first-round pick, Burke pulled off a seven-player swap with the Flames that was built around Phaneuf, a 24-year-old who was less than two years removed from being the Norris Trophy runner-up.

The verdict: At the time, the consensus was that the Leafs had pulled off a robbery. In hindsight, not so much, as Phaneuf never lived up to the franchise-savior hype that greeted him in Toronto. Still, he was the Leafs’ captain and top defenceman for most of the next seven years and none of the players they gave up for him amounted to major losses. This trade still looks like a win on balance, even if it never came close to matching expectations.

The trade: On March 3, 2004, the Leafs acquired Brian Leetch and a fourth-round pick from the Rangers for prospects Maxim Kondratiev and Jarkko Immonen, plus a first and a second.

The situation: This was John Ferguson Jr.’s first major trade as Leafs GM and it was an all-in move at the deadline. The 2003-04 Leafs were very good and very old and with the lockout looming they represented what looked like the last chance to win a Cup during the Pat Quinn era. With his window open for a big move, Ferguson went out and landed the biggest name available in the 36-year-old Leetch.

The verdict: Leetch debuted with a three-assist night and instantly looked like the team’s best blueliner. But the Leafs didn’t win the Cup that year, falling in the second round to the Flyers. And while Leetch had a year left on his contract, it was wiped out by the lockout, so this became an expensive short-term rental. Still, none of the picks or prospects amounted to much of anything, so it’s best viewed as a smart gamble that just didn’t pay off.

The trade: On November 10, 1990, the Leafs sent forwards Ed Olczyk and Mark Osborne to the Jets for Paul Fenton and Dave Ellett.

The situation: This was the Leafs hitting the detonate button on a disastrous start to the season. A year after generating some optimism with a .500 finish, the Leafs were a 2-15-1 laughingstock when they pulled the trigger on a four-player blockbuster.

The verdict: Ellett didn’t come cheap, as Olczyk had been the Leafs best forward during his three seasons in Toronto and had only just turned 24. But while he’d play well in Winnipeg and for another decade around the NHL, the deal still worked out well enough for the Leafs as Ellett became their top blueliner for most of the next seven years and was a key piece of the Fletcher/Burns/Gilmour-era resurgence.

>> Read the full post at The Athletic

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A brief history of hockey's weirdest own goals

Welcome to the club, Patrik Laine.

On Sunday night, the rookie took a break from the monotony of scoring highlight-reel goals for the Jets to try something new: Scoring a highlight-reel goal against the Jets. It turns out he’s really good at that, too.

From a purely artistic perspective, that’s a pretty sweet goal. Stick on the ice, quick release, far corner, all done late in a tie game with the pressure on. It would have been nice to see him go bar down there, but he’s only a rookie.

He's also got plenty of company. NHL history is filled with players scoring into their own nets. So today, let's celebrate that history by taking a look at 10 of the more entertaining own goals from NHL history. This won’t be a comprehensive top-10 countdown, but a sampling of some of the more creative ways to put the puck into your own net. And we'll rate them using the following criteria.

Situation: Timing matters. An own goal in the preseason is just funny. One that comes in the playoffs might be career-defining.

Cringe factor: How bad did it look? Accidentally tipping a point shot or having a centering pass deflect off your skate isn't a big deal—that stuff happens all the time. We're looking for a goal that makes you scream "What was he doing?" at your TV.

Notoriety: Hindsight is funny thing. Some of these goals seem to stick in the hockey world's collective consciousness, while others fade as time goes on.

We're not sure yet how Laine will fare on that last category, although you'd imagine he'd do reasonably well in the first two. He'd certainly wind up with a decent overall score.

But you're not alone, Patrik. And a few guys have had it a lot worse than you did.

Paul Coffey, 1996

Situation: 6/10 – This one came in the opening round of a conference final. And not just any conference final—one between the two greatest rivals of a generation, the Red Wings and Avalanche. Everything that happened between these two teams was memorable, from the crazy brawls to the cheap shots to the embarrassing bloopers.

So why does barely anyone remember this one?

Well, here's the thing: It's from game one of the 1996 series between the two teams. In game six, this happened, and the rivalry was on. But at this exact moment in time, the Wings and Avs were just two teams.

Cringe factor: 7/10 – You can see exactly what he was trying to do, but it still ends up looking awful. And we'll award one bonus point for the Detroit crowd's reaction, and another for Bob Cole's fantastic call.

Notoriety: 4/10 – This one didn't resonate the way so many of the future moments between the two teams would. Still, this was a key goal in a game that went to overtime and that Colorado won. They took the series in six, so if this play never happens... well, who knows?

Overall: 5.7/10 – If only Coffey had been shown a cautionary example of the danger of defenseman own goals back in his formative years as an Oiler. Oh look, the "ironic foreshadowing" light on the dashboard just started blinking.

Bryan McCabe, 2007

Situation: 5/10 – On the one hand, this goal was from a mid-October game between two teams who'd miss the playoffs. On the other hand, it did come in the dying seconds of overtime. We'll split the difference.

Cringe factor: 7/10 – You can see what he's trying to do, and in a goal-mouth scramble it makes sense to try to get the puck out of the crease as quickly as possible, but it still looks bad. And the top-down camera view with the ticking clock in the corner doesn't help.

Notoriety: 8/10 – Considering this came in a game that ultimately didn't remotely matter, it's kind of strange that so many fans remember it to this day. A big part of that is the context here, which is that the Maple Leafs were bad and their fans were getting sick of it. Rightly or wrongly, McCabe was already becoming the lightning rod for that wrath, so everything he did was magnified. A few months later, the Muskoka Five were born, things got even worse, and this goal came to retroactive signal everything that was wrong with the JFJ era.

Overall: 6.7/10 – Like we said, hindsight is a funny thing. On the merits, this one probably shouldn't rank all that high. But some of these goals just stick, and this is one of them.

>> Read the full post at Sportsnet

A buyer's guide to the remaining NHL free agents

Hey Teemu, how many days does it
take you each offseason to decide if
you want to play another year?

As August winds down, it's beginning to feel like the entire NHL is on vacation. There's nothing to talk about, because nothing is happening.

That's good news if you're a hockey fan who could use a break before gearing up for the coming season. But it's terrible news if you're one of this year's unrestricted free agents who hasn't yet found a new home. With many rosters appearing to be locked in as training camp approaches, it could be difficult for even one-time star players to find work.

Here's a look at a few of the biggest names still available, and the cases for and against signing them.

Bryan McCabe
The good: In seven years since the lockout, has lead his teams to one more playoff game win than you have.
The bad: Is kind of hard to get in touch with these days, since his phone is constantly being bombarded with voicemails from Tomas Kaberle yelling "Dude, you were totally wrong, waiving a no-trade clause to leave Toronto is awesome!"
Where he'd fit: He can definitely still help a team on the powerplay, assuming the area they need help with is their "miss the net three times then fall down and give up a shorthanded breakaway" play.

Chris Campoli
The good: Is known as a puck-moving defenceman, which presumably makes him more valuable than a defenceman who insists on keeping the puck stationary at all times.
The bad: Has spent almost his entire career with the Islanders and Senators, so has never had any experience clearing a rebound.
Where he'd fit: Should be attractive to a potential President's Trophy winner, since he's proven he can single-handedly win a crucial playoff game for one.

Teemu Selanne
The good: Now that's he's older and more mature, no longer recklessly throws his glove in the air after a big goal and then shoots it down; now throws the glove and then writes it a stern but respectful letter.
The bad: Has clearly lost a step, occasionally looking a little winded while skating circles around some defenceman who's 20 years younger than him.
Where he'd fit: Winnipeg, according to people who are still hoping that the original Gun 'N Roses lineup will reunite.

Read the rest of this post...

A defenceman's guide to handling the pressure

It's not easy to be a young defenceman in today's NHL. With round-the-clock coverage on TV and online, it seems as if even the smallest gaffe is magnified and then broken down endlessly. The pressure is constantly on, and mistakes just aren't tolerated. What's a young defenceman to do?

Luckily, there are dependable veterans like Chris Phillips and friends who are willing to serve as mentors to the next generation.

Find more funny hockey videos at blogesalming.com.

2009-2010 Season Preview: The Southeast Division

As we count down the final days leading up to the 2009-10 regular season, let's take a look at each of the 30 teams with the official DGB Season Preview. Today, we look at the Southeast Division.

Atlanta Thrashers

The good: The team does, in the strictest technical sense, still exist.
The bad: Their plan to finally make it back to the post-season seems to involve building around former Maple Leafs.
Biggest question mark: How will the team react to the absence of Garnett Exelby, which will force them to play with two defencemen in proper position?
Fearless forecast: A frustrated Ilya Kovalchuk decides to stop passing, hang out at the red line instead of playing defence, and take eight-minute shifts, making him the first player to ever play exactly like you do in NHL 10 "Be A Pro" mode.

Washington Capitals

The good: Alexander Ovechkin seems to finally be coming out of his shell, and may even be willing to participate in occasional off-ice promotional activity.
The bad: I entered "Semyon Varlamov" into a Russian-to-English dictionary, and it came back "Steve Penney".
Biggest question mark: Why does every photograph of Mike Green look like it was taken three seconds after somebody woke him up?
Fearless forecast: The Capitals win 50 games, or more than the Nationals, Wizards and Redskins combined.

Florida Panthers

The good: Recently named Bryan McCabe captain.
The bad: Oops, that last one was supposed to be listed under "the bad". I guess Bryan's not the only one who gets confused about which side things are supposed to go in.
Biggest question mark: With Jay Bouwmeester's departure, which veteran will step up and teach the younger players what it takes to miss the playoffs every single year?
Fearless forecast: A guy who looks oddly like Jim Balsillie starts spending a lot of time in South Florida.

Tampa Bay Lightning

The good: Vincent Lecavlier appears poised for the sort of big year the team had in mind when they signed him to an $80M extension.
The bad: That apparently makes him the only person associated with this franchise who has any actual money.
Biggest question mark: Wouldn't it be better if we all just agreed that the lockout actually started in May of 2004?
Fearless forecast: The Montreal Canadiens make an aggressive deadline push to trade for Martin St. Louis in an attempt to add size.

Carolina Hurricanes

The good: Cam Ward's stellar play continues to indicate that he hasn't yet realized that he's Cam Ward.
The bad: While Ric Flair may be a native South Carolinian, having a crazy old white-haired man scream maniacally is really just an uncreative ripoff of Don Cherry.
Biggest question mark: Does Aaron Ward get one free sucker punch on Scott Walker to use whenever he wants? (Answer: Yes.)
Fearless forecast: The free agent signing of Tom Kostopolous forces coach Paul Maurice to slightly modify his famous quote to "There was a lot of purse stealing out there."

The Top 10 Dumbest Moments in the Battle of Ontario

On Saturday, the Leafs and Senators will end their seasons with a head-to-head matchup. The game will feature a pair of terrible teams, little or no intensity, and two fan bases who will be secretly hoping their team loses for a better draft spot.

What better way to end another installment of the most over-rated rivalry in hockey?

While any fan can see that the Battle of Ontario is dying, the truth is that it was never much to get excited over in the first place. The Sens always win in the regular season, the Leafs always win in the playoffs, and every incident that showed the slightest hint of bad blood was immediately ruined by horrified cries for everyone involved to be suspended.

The rivalry has featured a handful of legitimately memorable moments, such as Alfredsson's hit from behind, a pair of game sevens, and Gary Roberts killing and eating anyone who looked at him sideways. But the honest truth is that it's been much more likely to feature cringe-inducing moments of embarrassment and stupidity.

While it took some work, I've managed to narrow the list down to a top ten. So here they are, the Dumbest Moments in the History of the Battle of Ontario.

#10 - McCabe vs. Chara

Sens fans are unanimous in their love for the famous Youtube clip of the massive Zdeno Chara rag-dolling a helpless Bryan McCabe. It's basically their "All Heart" video. And let's face it, Leaf fans started to enjoy it too once they turned on McCabe in recent years. In fact, it's quite possible that this is the most famous one-on-one fight in Battle of Ontario history.

Here's the problem: it was pretty much the worst fight ever. Nobody threw a punch. The referees didn't even hand out fighting majors. And while people forget this now, Chara ended up missing time because he wrenched his back flinging McCabe around.

That's right, the most famous fight in this so-called rivalry involved no punches, and the guy who won hurt himself. Ladies and gentlemen, the Battle of Ontario!

#9 - The jersey bylaw

Frustrated with the way that Toronto fans continually took over the building every time the Leafs came to town to play the Senators, Ottawa city council passed a bylaw in 2004 that banned the wearing of Maple Leafs jerseys at the Corel Center. That would be one of the funniest lines I've ever written, except that it's true.

While the rule was meant to be "tongue-in-cheek", Ottawa city council still took the time to make it an official order. Leaf fans who wore their jerseys to the game would be "fined" a canned food donation, with proceeds going to the Ottawa food bank.

Toronto city council considered passing a retaliatory motion that would similarly fine anyone wearing a Senators jersey at the ACC, before realizing that the Toronto food back didn't really need three cans of food.

Instead, the Maple Leafs themselves stepped up with a $5,000 donation to the Ottawa food bank, and invited the Senators to match that with a donation of their own to the Toronto food bank. Nobody can find any evidence that the Senators ever did.

#8 - Every regular season game between 2002 and 2007

There were two things you could count on every single time the Leafs and Senators played each other during this stretch: The Senators would win 8-1, and every Senator fan would immediately declare that this meaningless regular season win made up for all the playoff losses.

The only exception to this rule was the opening game of the 2005 season, when in an act of abject cruelty the Senators intentionally let the game stay tied so that Leaf fans would be forced to watch Jason Allison's shootout attempt.

#7 - Tucker vs. Eaves

In October 2006, midway through one of those Senator blowout victories, Darcy Tucker got into a fight with Patrick Eaves. While Eaves wasn't much of a fighter, he did his best. In the end he ate a few rights, shrugged his shoulders and skated to the penalty box.

End of story? No, of course not, because this is the Battle of Ontario and every minor scuffle has to result in the Senators calling for a suspension. So Ottawa fans, coaches and media spent two days sobbing about how awful it was for Tucker to pick on a poor defenseless player who, after all, was only two inches and fifteen pounds bigger than him.

The Senators, most notably Chris Neil, spent the next 48 hours telling any reporter within earshot that Eaves would be avenged. In doing so, Neil repeatedly reminded everyone of how badly Eaves had been pummelled. Sure, by the end of it Eaves looked like he wanted to hang himself, but it made Chris Neil look good and that was really the entire point all along.

When the teams met for the highly anticipated rematch two night later, Neil lined up across from Tucker on the opening faceoff, leaned in and ... said something to him.

That's it. That's the end of the story.

Nothing else happened the rest of the game. After two days of swearing revenge into any TV camera he could find, Chris Neil gave Darcy Tucker a stern talking to and then called it a night.

Word is that if that hadn't worked, the Sens were going to have Brian McGrattan write Tucker a strongly worded letter.

#6 - Cory Cross scoring an overtime goal

When Cory Cross is scoring overtime goals, your rivalry sucks.

#5 - "We're Gonna Kill 'Em!"

In 2004, the Leafs and Senators were set to meet in a deciding game seven. With tensions high and nationwide media attention focused on the series, rookie Senators owner Eugene Melnyk decided it would be a great idea to publicly guarantee an easy win.

"We're going to kill 'em," Melnyk told the Toronto Star. "We're going to go in there and beat them on their own ice in front of their fans!"

Now, it was one thing when Daniel Alfredsson guaranteed that the Sens would win the series after a game five loss. After all, Alfredsson made guarantees that didn't come true all the time. And at least he was a player, meaning he could have some impact on the game's outcome. (He didn't, of course, because it was a game seven and he's a Senator. But he theoretically could have.)

Melnyk was different. Here was some guy in a suit running his mouth in a cheap bid for media attention. What did he think he was, an Ottawa city councillor?

After the Leafs were done curb-stomping the Senators in game seven, Tie Domi thanked for Melnyk for providing the Leafs with extra motivation. For his part, Melnyk learned a valuable lesson and didn't get into any more trouble for advocating killing until this year, when he suggested that any Sens fan who was unhappy with the team's miserable season should strap a bomb to themselves.

#4 - Domi vs. Arverdson

In a late season game in 2003, Tie Domi became involved in an altercation with the Sens' Magnus Arverdson. A frustrated Domi eventually punched Arverdson in the face with a gloved hand, at which point Daniel Alfredsson attempted to swing his stick like a baseball bat at Domi's head.

Hey, I'll bet you can't guess which one of them got suspended!

The league banned Domi for three games, largely based on the news that Arverdson had been diagnosed with a concussion and a broken nose. After the suspension was announced Arverdson miraculously recovered and played in the Senators' next game without any facial protection, while everyone agreed to just never mention his "injuries" ever again.

This incident is notable for two things: it happened in the same game that saw Darcy Tucker dive into the Sens bench (a moment that will not make this list because, well, it was awesome), and it resulted in one of the great Nick Kypreos moments of all-time:

#3 - Joseph vs. McGeough

The Leafs and Senators met for the first time in the playoffs in 2000. After the Leafs won the first two games at home, the series shifted to Ottawa.

With five minutes left in a tight game, the Senators scored a goal on a play which saw Daniel Alfredsson appear to trip up Curtis Joseph. Referee Mick McGeough correctly ruled that because it was the post-season Alfredsson could cheat as much as he wanted to without being called, and the goal stood.

An incensed Joseph charged into the corner to argue but lost his balance and crashed to the ice instead, taking McGeough down with him. The collision was clearly accidental and, it goes without saying, completely hysterical -- especially the part where Joseph has to stop to ask if McGeough is OK before half-heartedly resuming his tirade.

How did Sens fans react? Say it with me, children: by calling for a suspension!

Even though McGeough himself said the collision was accidental and the league took no action, Sens fans insist to this day that Joseph "attacked" McGeough. The reality, of course, is Joseph didn't attack anything other his own dignity by proving that he couldn't skate fifteen feet without falling all over himself.

#2 - Chiarelli vs. Neale & Cole

If you live outside of Ottawa then it goes without saying that you've never heard of Bob Chiarelli, but he was the mayor of Ottawa for ten years. As far as spotlight-hogging mayors go, Chiarelli could best be described as "Mel Lastman without the charisma". And like everyone who lives in Ottawa, he spent most of his time unsuccessfully trying to get people in Toronto to notice him.

In 2001, the CBC assigned Bob Cole and Harry Neale to call the Leafs/Sens series. Aware that Ottawa fans hate Bob Cole, and realizing that a playoff series against Toronto meant that somebody might actually pay attention to the Senators for once, Chiarelli decided to make himself the story.

Chiarelli went to the local media and announced that Cole and Neale were "Maple Leaf homers". The idea was apparently that Chiarelli would earn some local brownie points and a little national attention, Cole and Neale would play along, and eventually both sides would bury the hatchet at around the same time that the heavily favored Sens wrapped up the series.

Instead, Neale's public response to Chiarelli was, and this a real quote: "Take a big bite out of my ass". This made for the second best soundbite in Battle of Ontario history, trailing "boo hoo" but coming in slightly ahead of "there were a couple of purse-swingings". And then the Leafs swept Ottawa.

Bob Chiarelli has literally never been heard from again.

#1 - The Stick Throw

It takes a really dumb moment to be the dumbest in the entire history of this dumb rivalry. And good god, this moment was dumb.

Midway through the 2004 season, Leafs captain Mats Sundin was suspended one game for throwing a broken stick into the stands. He missed a game against Ottawa, and during that game Daniel Alfredsson famously mocked Sundin when his own stick broke by pretending to throw it into the stands before dropping it on the ice instead.

If you read that paragraph and thought to yourself "That sounds unbelievably boring", then you're apparently not a Toronto or Ottawa fan. No, to the average Leafs and Sens fans, the series of events I just described are the most controversial thing that has ever happened.

Leaf fans were outraged that Alfredsson would dare mock to Sundin. Ignoring the fact that it was a joke, a playful jab from one friend at another, Leaf fans have booed Alfredsson every time he's touched the puck ever since. (Note: Leaf fans now pretend that booing Alfredsson started after his hit from behind on Tucker in the 2002 playoffs. They're lying.)

For their part, Ottawa fans defended Alfredsson. They were right to do so, but since this involves the Leafs, Sens fans had to go completely overboard. To this day, every Ottawa Senators fan insists that Alfredsson's fake stick throw is the funniest thing that anyone has ever done, ever. Not just in hockey -- anywhere. If you ask a Senators fans to create a Mount Rushmore of comic genius, it will include George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce and Daniel Alfredsson pretending to throw his broken stick.

Seriously, the next time you find yourself talking to a Leafs fan and a Sens fan at the same time, casually mention the Alfredsson stick throw. The Leafs fan will start ranting like Christian Bale, while the Sens fan immediately starts fake-laughing like Arsenio Hall circa 1991.

At that point, you have my permission to pull out a gun and shoot both of them.

Honorable mentions: Tom Barasso swearing live on Hockey Night in Canada, Domi vs McGrattan, Ron Wilson calling for a stick measurement, the Flu Game, the "Dandyman" getting fired for making jokes about spousal abuse, Pat Quinn pretending he didn't know the names of any Senator players, "if Tie Domi had better balance we'd have won".

If I missed any, it's probably because I've blocked them out. Let me know if the comments and I'll add them.

One year of Down Goes Brown

One year ago today, I decided to finally start blogging. I'd been thinking about it for months, and finally decided to just go ahead and do it. I figured it would be fun, even though I wasn't sure anyone would ever read it.

Twelve months and almost 100,000 page views later, it's still fun. And I'm still trying to figure out who exactly is reading (but hello to all of you in Malaysia, where apparently I'm huge).

It's been an interesting year. Here are some of the highlights...

Feb. 8, 2008 - The Leafs are terrible, but at least they just beat the Habs. DGB makes an understated debut with a short game recap of the Leafs win over Montreal. It takes exactly one paragraph to get to the first "Kyle Wellwood is fat" jokes.

Feb. 9, 2009 - One day into the blog's history, we get the first of roughly three dozen posts to feature the Stu Grimson video.

Feb. 12, 2008 - The first "Obscure Moments" feature, with an in-depth breakdown of the Ron MacLean-Nik Borchevsky interview. Readers begin to wonder if maybe I have too much time on my hands.

Feb. 20, 2008 - The infamous Russ Courtnall for John Kordic was a good trade post. This post has become the #1 Google result for most combinations of Kordic and Courtnall's name, and still drives hundreds of visitors to the site, none of whom agree with me.

Feb. 24, 2008 - Two days before the trade deadline, Mats Sundin announces he won't waive his no-trade clause. I begin writing anti-Sundin posts, a temporary phase that readers assume I'll grow out of quickly.

March 6, 2008 - I make the argument that the Leafs are the softest team in the NHL. Somewhere, Brian Burke nods sadly.

March 26, 2008 - Thanks to Patrick Roy's lunatic son, I write what still stands as the most popular post in DGB history: How To Fight When You Don't Want to Fight.

April, 2008 - Inspired by Mark Bell murdering Daniel Alfredsson, April somehow becomes Beat Up The Senators month. We have some fun at the expense of shameless Sen homers Bruce Garrioch and Don Brennan, and then point out that the Senators steal everyone's playoff traditions. And then, rock bottom for Sens fans: this happens.

May 6, 2008 - Stung by accusations of being too negative, I try to come up with 20 good things about the 07-08 Leafs. For some reason, commenters accuse me of being insincere.

May 26, 2008 - The second Great Obscure Moment - Everything that happened after the Clark/McSorley fight. Sadly, my quest to determine the identity of Pinky Finger remains unfulfilled.

June 20, 2008 - June is a slow month, both for the Leafs and the blog. I do get a chance to make fun of The Love Guru, though. The post is read by hundreds of people, making it more popular than the movie.

June 24 - Down Goes Brown wins Eklund's "Next Great Hockey Blogger" contest at hockeybuzz.

July 1 - Free agent signing day. The Leafs sign unheralded defenceman Jeff Finger, who I know nothing about. I ask the folks at the (now defunct) Avs blog In The Cheap Seats to write a guest post about him. Puck Daddy links to it, and confused Leaf fans flood the site for the biggest single-day traffic in the blog's history, by far. That's right, my all-time biggest traffic spike was due to a post I didn't write. I think that tells you something.

July 24 - DGB makes the New York Times, except they don't get the name quite right.

July 29 - I set out to name the Worst Leafs of All-Time. This ends up being a three-part series, after I edit it down from its original 100,000 words.

August 13 - I write a sympathetic post about how Mats Sundin should really wait until mid-season to return to the NHL, but clearly can't because he said he'd never be a rental and obviously he's a man of his word. Yeah. Keep your day job, Nostradamus.

August 31 - I give Bryan McCabe a rousing send-off on his last day as a Maple Leaf. To be honest, I was just angry that the Leafs had parted with McCabe, Wellwood and Raycroft within a few weeks. In the first six months of this blog, 80% of the writing consisted of the same three jokes: Wellwood is fat, McCabe scores in his own net, and Raycroft has no glove hand. That was it. I was terrified that I'd have nothing to write about.

September 14, 2008 - Spiralling into depression, I set out to answer the question: Is this the worse it's ever been? Spoiler alert: Yes.

September 22, 2008 - EA Sports releases a commercial for NHL 09 that features Kyle Wellwood. I'm thrilled, because I get to use up all my leftover Wellwood jokes in one post.

September 29, 2008 - Maple Leaf Media Cliche Bingo debuts. Fifteen seconds later, Damien Cox has filled in his card.

October 15, 2008 - I count down the Top 10 tough guys from the old Norris Division. The list ends up being somewhat anti-climactic, since all ten spots are awarded to Wendel Clark's various knuckles.

October 30, 2008 - Somebody who makes more money than him makes Howard Berger feel inadequate, so he takes out all his dashed aspirations on Leaf fans with a legendary post.

November 3, 2008 - I start writing about Wendel Clark, and don't stop for three weeks. The Top 17 Wendel Moments series dominates the site for the rest of the month, covering goals, hits, fights and more. We even find out who made the All Heart video.

November 19, 2008 - What's the difference between this blog and a hockey game in the southern US? This blog can sell out.

December 16, 2008 - I post about my most-wanted Maple Leaf collectibles. The entire post is just a thinly-veiled excuse to make some Al Iafrate jokes. God I wish I had a blog in the early 90s.

December 18, 2008 - Mats Sundin finally signs with the Canucks. I write a message to Mats, as well as an explanation of why Leaf fans are so mad at him. Somebody sends the link to Sundin, but it takes him two months to decide whether he wants to click on it.

December 23, 2008 - I write a humorous holiday post about throwing a dog into a furnace.

December 28, 2008 - I spend 15 minutes writing a post about who took out Matt Stajan, and three hours looking for angry soccer ball clipart on google.

January 10, 2009 - I officially give up on the season. Judging by the comments section, most of you were already there.

January 25, 2009 - I make a pro-fighting post, kicking off about two weeks straight of fighting debates on the site (including one with Damien Cox). Everyone pretends to be impressed by the depth of my research and the persuasiveness of my argument, while secretly wishing I'd just go back to making jokes about the 1990 Leafs.

January 26, 2009 - The Brian Burke twitter account appears, a fact that has absolutely nothing to do with this blog so why am I even mentioning it...

January 31, 2009 - I count down my personal top ten Doug Gilmour moments. While the old clips of goals and other highlights are fun, the post is most memorable for allowing me to finally create an "enrico ciccone" tag.

February 8, 2009 - Down Goes Brown celebrates its one year anniversary. The Leafs are terrible, but at least they just beat the Habs.

Thanks to everyone for reading and commenting. And a special thanks to those of you who've helped the blog grow by sending links to your friends and others who you think might enjoy it.

My only regret is that I didn't get started sooner. So if you're somebody like me -- a Leaf fan who likes to watch, talk and write about hockey -- and you don't have your own blog, why not start one? If I can do it, believe me, so can you.

Just stay away from Malaysia. That market is all mine.

10 Random Predictions: How am I doing?

We're officially two months and one-third of the way into the 2008-09 season. Those two milestones, combined with my inability to think of anything interesting to write about this week, seem like an excellent opportunity to look back on some pre-season predictions.

So let's travel back to my 10 Random Leafs predictions, as posted on Pension Plan Puppets. These were posted on October 8, one day before the Leafs opened their regular season.

Do I actually know what I'm talking about when looking ahead to the future instead of back to 1993? Let's see how I did.

Ryan Hollweg will end a 17-year streak of Leaf fans loving their enforcers

For the first time since Kevin Maguire in 1991, the Leafs' only enforcer will be a designated punching bag who'll be ready and willing but not especially able. It won't take long for Leaf fans to get tired of his nightly Kimbo Slice impression.

The verdict (so far): This one was almost too easy. Hollweg already had six losing fights and one suspension under his belt from the pre-season, so predicting that he'd be useless wasn't difficult. And while he's managed to keep his nose unfractured clean lately, that won't be enough to win over Leaf Nation.

So yes, I got this one right... but so did everyone else who was paying attention. Also, I'm deeply disappointed that "Kimbo Hollweg" never caught on.

Jeff Finger will be a media favorite by November

The anti-Finger backlash is probably the most predictable element of the new season. But the flip side is that it won't take long for folks to realize that while he's not worth $3.5M, he's also not terrible. And that will lead to an emerging storyline of "Jeff Finger, so over-rated he's under-rated!"

The verdict (so far): OK, so I said November and it's happening in December instead. Factor in the time Finger has missed due to injury, and we're right on schedule.

That said, the Finger fan backlash was never really as bad as I expected. Maybe missing the first few games will turn out to be a blessing.

We're going to hear about Bryan McCabe, Darcy Tucker and especially Kyle Wellwood all year long

The same media that dogged them and worked to drive them out of town will breathlessly report on every goal these guys score all year long.

The verdict (so far): Tucker and McCabe haven't done much. Wellwood was hot early and we was saw the predictable "Leafs let one get away" stories, especially around the time of the Canucks game. But even those died down once Fatty McCrunchandmunch cooled off slightly.

Bryan McCabe will waive his no-trade clause to go to allow the Panthers to deal him to a contender at the deadline

Admit it, you hadn't thought of it but you're already nodding your head, aren't you?

The verdict (so far): Too soon to tell, of course, but this one is looking good. With the Panthers struggling to stay at .500 and rumors of an imminent Bowmeester trade, the Panthers should be selling at the deadline. And now that McCabe BFF (and main reason for agreeing to go to Florida in the first place) Wade Belak has been dispatched, McCabe will likely agree to move.

Damien Cox will find a way to turn that into a knock against Cliff Fletcher, by the way.

Mats Sundin's return to the ACC will be a letdown

Yes, he's coming back. And when he finally gets around to cherry-picking a front-runner to join some time after Christmas, the hockey world will circle the date of his return to Toronto as a visitor.

The verdict (so far): It looks like I may be off by two weeks on the timing, but Mats is apparently ready to cherry-pick away. I stand by my prediction that the ACC crowd won't know what to do when he returns as a visitor.

Two, and only two, of Jiri Tlusty, Nikolai Kulemin, Alex Steen, Jonas Frogren and Anton Stralman will take their game to the next level

And no, I don't know which two. But the truth is, if two guys from the list above can elevate their games to breakout status then that's pretty good.

The verdict (so far): Of the guys listed, only Kulemin has been a pleasant surprise. Steen is gone, Tlusty was a bust, Stralman has been iffy and Frogren was just OK when healthy.

On the other hand, I somehow managed to leave Grabovski off my list of promising young players. If I hadn't had that brain cramp, I'd be looking good on this one.

Carlo Colaiacovo will be one of the best stories of the season

(The best thing about this prediction: in the 90% likelihood that he does get hurt, I can shrug this prediction off as not being technically proven wrong.)

The verdict (so far): He was hurt, and benched, and then traded, so I can shrug this prediction off as not being technically proven wrong.

Jason Blake will be good this year

I know, I know. I've been as hard on Blake as anyone. But this year, Blake looks sharp. Here's betting that he puts together a decent year -- let's say 25 goals.

The verdict (so far): My god, I am a stupid, stupid man. Why does anyone even read this blog? More importantly, with so few functioning brain cells, how do I manage to feed myself?

Vesa Toskala will be dealt at the deadline

... deep down we all know Toskala is somewhat over-rated (if he's really a top ten goalie how come you can think of 15 guys better than him?)

The verdict (so far): Sadly, this one looks good. A standout season by Toskala was the one and only way the Leafs could make a playoff run this year, and he hasn't come close to delivering.

Two months ago, you rarely heard Toskala mentioned as trade bait. Now, everyone assumes he's as good as gone... if the Leafs can find a taker.

Wendel Clark Night will be the highlight of the season

It will also result in approximately 100 posts on Down Goes Brown in the weeks leading up to the big night.

The verdict (so far): Wow, I nailed that one.


The bottom line: I nailed a few easy ones, was reasonably accurate on few of the reaches, and still expect to be proven right on the McCabe trade prediction which I didn't see anyone else make. On the other hand, Colaiacovo let me down and the Blake prediction was just awful.

Overall, I give myself a B-.

10 Random Leafs predictions

I submitted a list of predictions as part of season preview day at Pension Plan Puppets. So to all those who read this blog but don't visit PPP¹, you can read all about my predictions for Bryan McCabe, Ryan Hollweg, Vesa Toskala and others:

10 Random Leafs predictions

(Spoiler alert: these will all come true, but try to act surprised anyway.)

¹i.e. my wife

Is this the worst it's ever been? Part three

In part one, we took a look at the miserable Ballard years. In part two, we looked at the mostly positive Fletcher and Quinn eras.

In the final installment of our series, we look at recent seasons to try to once and for all answer the question: is this the worst it's ever been?


2004-05

Welcome to the John Ferguson Jr. era.

The good: John Ferguson Jr. doesn't make any terrible in-season moves. The Leafs don't blow any third-period leads, never back down from a single fight, and finish tied for first overall.

The bad: There is no hockey thanks to the lockout.

When the owners and players finally sign a new CBA in summer 2005, the league signals the new era by introducing rules that will favor smaller, speedier teams. Ferguson responds by signing a bunch of big, slow free agents like Jason Allison and Eric Lindros. He also chooses not to buy out any veterans, signalling his keen understanding of the importance of cap management.

How bad was it? 80/100. We thought a full year without the Leafs was as bad as it could possibly get. Boy, were we wrong.


2005-06

The good: The Leafs take a step back, but still manage 90 points under Pat Quinn. Bryan McCabe has a career year, scoring 68 points and making the Canadian Olympic team. A handful of younger players like Kyle Wellwood and Alex Steen show promise. Tomas Kaberle plays well, then signs a very reasonable contract extension.

The bad: The Leafs narrowly miss the playoffs. Ed Belfour doesn't look very sharp, and is bought out at the end of the year. Allison is just OK, Lindros is hurt, and the veteran Leafs look slow and out-classed in the new NHL. Ferguson offers McCabe a huge five-year contract that introduces the phrase "no-movement" to NHL fans. McCabe actually waits for weeks to sign the offer, showing that his decision making is just as solid off the ice as it is on.

Ferguson also fires Quinn, replacing him with teenaged prodigy Paul Maurice. At the 2006 draft, Ferguson deals top prospect Tuuka Rask to the Bruins for Andrew Raycroft, a former Calder winner who has just had an awful season.

How bad was it? 80/100. Well, at least hockey is back. And the Leafs will be too, soon enough. Right?


2006-07

Captured on film:
Paul Maurice's defensive system.

The good: The Leafs fight hard for a playoff spot, leading up to a thrilling final-game showdown with the Habs. They win a comeback thriller, only to be eliminated the next day when the Scott Clemmensen and the Devils lay down for the Islanders.

The bad: Raycroft is inconsistent -- bad some nights, awful on others. Paul Maurice doesn't seem to have any sort of system, other than cracking one-liners for the adoring media. Despite clearly not being a contender, the Leafs bring in Yanic Perrault at the deadline for a prospect and high draft pick. (Fun fact: Perrault's grandfather was drafted by the Leafs in 1991.)

Sensing the team is weak in the critical "wasted shots" category, Ferguson signs Jason Blake to a contract that will last until the end of time.

How bad was it? 90/100. At this point it's becoming clear that Ferguson is a moron, the team isn't going anywhere, and there's really no reason for optimism. Or as we call it now, "the good times".


2007-08

The good: You must be new here.

The bad: How much time have we got? OK, let's try to be brief... The Leafs are terrible. They don't play a system, they score into their own net, they let in 180-foot goals, the blow third-period leads every week, and they're the softest team in the NHL.

With the entire city begging for the team to be taken out behind a barn and shot, the team's five veteran leaders refuse to waive their no-trade clauses at the deadline because their wives really enjoy shoe-shopping at the Eaton Centre. Fans wear paper bags to the games. Paul Maurice stands behind the bench with his arms crossed wondering what the "T.O" on the scoreboard stands for.

Ferguson is finally fired, although not before Richard Peddie humiliates both of them my calling his hiring a "mistake" while he still works there. Cliff Fletcher is re-hired on an interim basis and has to sit there while Peddie mouths his words along with him at the press conference. The team forms a much-publicized search committee for a new GM, who end up not hiring anybody.

In the off-season, Mats Sundin backtracks on all that "I want to be a Leaf forever" nonsense. The fake fishing trip that he uses every off-season to avoid the media stretches into its fourth month before he finally re-emerges to shill for a gambling web site. McCabe reluctantly agrees to waive his no-trade clause after Fletcher breaks into his kitchen and boils his children's puppy, but only if the Leafs absolutely promise not to get anything good for him.

The Leafs prepare to enter the 2008-09 season with a roster that will feature 15 defencemen and four forwards. Somewhere in Finland, Vesa Toskala is on 24-hour suicide watch.

How bad was it? 95/100. We have a winner.

So there you have it... Yes, last year was the worst it's ever been. You are currently living in the worst days of Leaf Nation. Lucky you.

But wait... what about next year? Luckily I've obtained an advanced copy of next season's Year in Review DVD.

Spoiler Alert: Don't read any further if you want to be surprised.


2008-09

Closing your eyes won't help, Vesa.
You'll still be able to smell everything.

The good: Kaberle plays well, and Toskala steals several games. Ron Wilson installs a defensive system that cuts down on the turnovers and mistakes. For the first time in years, young players are given decent ice-time and a shot at special teams.

The bad: The Leafs flirt with last place overall for most of the year. Mikhail Grabovski is a bust, Alex Steen doesn't emerge, and Nikolai Kulemin struggles as a rookie. Leaf fans sing the national anthem at the home opener, then immediately turn on Jeff Finger. Meanwhile, Marlies coach Greg Gilbert successfully destroys whatever is left of Justin Pogge's confidence, then goes to work on ruining Luke Schenn too.

With a half dozen teams driving up the bidding for him, Toskala tweaks his hamstring days before the trade deadline and Fletcher can't deal him. Meanwhile, Kaberle decides not to waive his NTC and the Leafs fail to land any decent picks or prospects for the second year in a row. Days after the deadline, Mats Sundin comes out of retirement to sign with a first place team. He puts his new poker skills to work by telling the media with a straight face that winning a Stanley Cup has always been his top priority.

Bryan McCabe scores 20 goals for the Panthers, leading to 800 identical articles about how the Leafs should have never traded him written by the same reporters who spent the last two years trying to run him out of town. Kyle Wellwood scores 70 points with the Canucks, Darcy Tucker pots 30 goals for the Avs, and Andrew Raycroft learns that you're legally allowed to raise your glove hand to stop a shot.

The Leafs find themselves firmly entrenched in last place overall heading into the final month, then reel off eight straight wins at the end of the year to move up to second-last. A team in a crappy US market that nobody cares about wins the draft lottery, bumping the Leafs down to the third overall pick in a draft with two franchise players. Days before the end of the season, Brian Burke signs an extension with the Mighty Ducks. Richard Peddie is rumored to be seriously considering naming himself general manager before mysteriously disappearing after accepting an interview invitation with an Ottawa-based hockey blogger.

How bad was it? 100/100. But try to act surprised.

Is this the worst it's ever been? Part two

In part one, we took a look at the Ballard years. This time around, we move into the Cliff Fletcher and Pat Quinn eras.

1992-93

Shanahan avoids eye contact,
lest he get "hextalled".

The good: Pat Burns arrives and immediately teaches the team a groundbreaking technique call "playing defence". Doug Gilmour scores 127 points, a new Leafs record. Overage Russian rookie Nikolai Borschevsky scores 34 goals. Rookie goalie Felix Potvin shines, allowing the Leafs to deal Grant Fuhr to the Sabres for a package that includes 50-goal man Dave Andreychuk.

The Leafs manage 99 points, then shock the hockey world with a 21-game playoff run that features Potvin's brilliance, the greatest five-man defensive unit of all time, the Foligno Leap, Borschevsky's OT winner againt the Wings, Gilmour's double-spinarama against the Blues, and Wendel's heroics against the Kings.

Toronto-based jails and hospitals are empty since there is no longer any crime or illness in the city. Flowers bloom during winter time. Racism ends.

The bad: Kery Fraser chokes on the biggest call of his career, then lies about it. The NHL responds to the scandal by cancelling the rest of the playoffs, so no Stanley Cup is awarded in 1993. Meanwhile, a young John Ferguson Jr. ends his minor hockey career as an utter failure, and decides to maybe give the management side of things a shot.

How bad was it? 10/100. Short of a Stanley Cup win, this was as good as it can possibly get.


1993-94

The good: The Leafs start the year 10-0, establishing a new record for best start to a season and briefly establishing the team as consensus Stanley Cup favorite for the first (and only) time in a generation. Wendel has the best year of his career despite playing with one knuckle still embedded in Marty McSorely's eyeball. Gilmour is brilliant again, and Andreychuk scores another 50. Another long playoff run is highlighted by the Leafs shutting the doors on Chicago Stadium, leading to a second straight appearance in the conference finals.

The bad: The Leafs bow out sort of meekly against a Canuck team they should have beaten. Gary Bettman changes the names of the divisions to something more American-friendly, and hockey starts getting worse every year.

How bad was it? 20/100. This season was sort of like 1992-93's not-quite-as-cool younger brother. Leaf fans are finally starting to think that their suffering is at and end and long-term success is near.


1994-95

The good: At the 1994 draft, the Leafs acquire Mats Sundin from the Nordiques in exchange for Wendel Clark.

The bad: At the 1994 draft, the Leafs acquire Mats Sundin from the Nordiques in exchange for Wendel Clark.

Also, half the season is wiped out by the lockout, Doug Gilmour manages fewer points than Mike Ridley, and the Leafs lose in the first round of the playoffs. The Devils win the Cup, proving that incredibly dull defense can win out over talent. Gary Bettman can't see any problem with this.

How bad was it? 40/100. Clearly just a temporary bump in the road, probably due to the lockout. We'll be contending again next year.


1995-96

The good: Wendel Clark returns (part one), and scores on one of his first shifts back in maybe the last truly great Gardens moment. Sundin has another good year on an otherwise veteran squad. The Leafs bring in a bunch of veteran stars like Larry Murphy, Kirk Muller and Dave Gagner and have a great team on paper. Felix is still pretty solid. The always under-rated Dmitry Yushkevich is acquired, and Tie Domi returns to Toronto at the trade deadline.

The bad: After three years, the team starts to tune out Burns and he's eventually fired late in the season. Nick Beverely takes over as coach and infamously calls the team "nimrods". Andreychuk is traded. The Leafs slump through the second half, finish under .500, and lose in the first round of the playoffs to Wayne Gretzky and the Blues.

How bad was it? 60/100. What the hell is going on? We'd better do some serious damage in the playoffs next year.


1996-97

Kirk Muller cuts in front of Chris Chelios,
who was too old to skate 12 years ago.

The good: Clark scores 30 goals, even though everyone will later claim he wasn't any good in his second stint with the Leafs. Sundin is great again, and rookie Sergei Berezin is strangely intriguing.

The bad: New coach Mike Murphy crashes and burns. The Leafs miss the playoffs, then watch the Islanders use their first round pick on Roberto Luongo. Larry Murphy is terrible, and the fans turn on him. Felix is starting to struggle. Doug Gilmour is traded to the Devils at the deadline in a deal that lands the Leafs three good young players but officially ends the "Passion Returns" era. Fletcher leaves the team at the end of the season.

How bad was it? 80/100. Oh god, no... it's all happening again!

1997-98

The good: Absolutely nothing. Oh god this team is so bad I am so depressed won't somebody help me...

The bad: Other than Sundin and Clark, the Leafs prominently feature players like Derek King, Mike Johnson and Igor Korolev. Felix Potvin is officially bad. Nobody else from the 1992-93 run is even on the team anymore except for Jamie Macoun, playing the role of Dizzy Reed. At the end of the season the Leafs move out of the Norris (cough, Central) division.

How bad was it? 90/100. The '93 and '94 runs seem like a lifetime ago. It becomes clear that the Leafs will never ever make it to the conference finals again.


1998-99

No seriously, I'm fine back here.
All five of you guys go play offense.

The good: The Leafs make it to the conference finals again! Pat Quinn and Curtis Joseph arrive and combine to instantly transform the team back into contenders. Sundin is solid, Steve Thomas is great, Berezin is flying, young guys like Steve Sullivan and Freddy Modin are contributing, and the Leafs somehow lead the league in scoring by a mile.

Even better, the blueline is young and talented as Tomas Kaberle debuts, Danny Markov plays his first full year, and Bryan Berard is acquired mid-season. The Leafs shock everyone with 97 points, then beat the Flyers and Penguins to advance to the final four.

The bad: Somehow, the Leafs manage to lose to the Sabres in the conference finals even though Hasek is hurt for half of the series. The team also moves out of Maple Leaf Gardens and into the corporate mausoleum known as the ACC.

How bad was it? 30/100. It wasn't quite the Gilmour/Clark squad, but this was a heck of a fun team to watch.


1999-2000

The good: The Leafs are even better this year, recording 100 points for the first time in franchise history. Joseph is awesome once again, Darcy Tucker appears on the scene, and Jonas Hoglund arrives and plays for the Leafs until 2003 but still apparently manages to be Mats Sundin's linemate for 14 straight years. And most important of all, Wendel returns (part two) and proves to be a post-season inspiration.

The Leafs beat the Ottawa Senators in the first round of the playoffs, which is sort of sad since they're a Canadian team and their fans are kind of cool.

The bad: Bryan Berard has his eye carved out by Marion Hossa during a horrifying play that I am imagining because it never, ever happened according to the Ottawa media. The Leafs lose a tough second-round series to the eventual Cup-winning Devils.

How bad was it? 30/100. The Leafs were winning, and had a semi-young core. Times are good.


2000-01

The good: Gary Roberts arrives and immediately grabs the town by the throat. The Leafs trade Alexander Karpovtsev, who is a bad player right now, for Bryan McCabe, who won't be a bad player for four more years. The Leafs are a tough, veteran squad that doesn't take any crap. They sweep the Senators and their fans out of the first round, which is fine since those guys are getting kind of lippy.

The bad: The Leafs lose a seven-game heartbreaker to the Devils. The series is remembered for Tie Domi's horrifying elbow to the head of Scott Niedermayer, which injures the Devils' star so badly that doctors take his pulse on the ice and he is feared dead right up until he's out of camera view and immediately pops up and starts making cell phone calls.

How bad was it? 40/100. They're not getting any closer to the Cup, but at least the Leafs are contenders every year.


2001-02

The good: Ho-hum, another 100 points, and this time combined with another trip to the conference finals. Alexander Mogilny becomes the latest free agent star to sign in Toronto, and the team continues to pound opponents into submission.

Despite a growing injured list, the Leafs beat the Islanders in a seven-game series that may have been the most vicious of the modern era. They then pull off a shocking comeback to eliminate the Senators again, providing those whining crybabies with yet another playoff loss to choke on.

The bad: Everyone finally gets healthy early in the third round, just in time to lose to the vastly inferior Carolina Hurricanes, which not only eliminates the Leafs but also convinces the world that Paul Maurice knows how to coach. Curtis Joseph bails in the off-season to sign with Detroit. That little sellout, see if we ever forgive him.

How bad was it? 30/100. Oh well, we'll get 'em next year.


2002-03

The good: Ed Belfour replaces Joseph and is just as good, if not better, as the Leafs manage another strong year with 98 points. Alexander Mogilny tops the team in scoring, marking the only time Sundin doesn't. Sports Illustrated calls the Leafs the most hated team in hockey, which some people would consider a negative but I thought was pretty cool.

The bad: Quinn makes a disastrous deadline deal for Owen Nolan, who doesn't contribute much during his time in Toronto beyond his awesome "boo-hoo" reply to the Sens after the Flu Game. Quinn's other big deadline move is to re-acquire Doug Gilmour, who plays one period before suffering a career-ending knee injury. The Leafs lose a first-round playoff matchup for the first time in seven years, bowing out to the Flyers largely thanks to a series of meltdowns by Bryan McCabe.

Late in the off-season, Richard Peddie hires fresh-faced go-getter John Ferguson Jr. as general manager, presumably after losing a bet.

How bad was it? 50/100. Hey, remember when losing in the first round was considered a bad thing, and not a best-case scenario?


2003-04

I double-checked the math. It turns out
"four" is still a lot more than "zero".

The good: Sundin is great, McCabe has a career year, Joe Nieuwendyk joins the fold, and Ed Belfour is spectacular again. On their way to a team record 103-point season, the Leafs gear up for a long playoff run by adding future Hall of Famers Ron Francis and Brian Leetch at the deadline. The Leafs open the playoffs with a seven-game win over the pathetic Senators, whose cheap-shotting players and thumb-dicked fans can all go choke on demon chymus in hell.

The bad: The Leafs lose to the Flyers in round two when Jeremy Roenick's overtime winner sets off a massive celebration that's briefly interupted by the funeral of Sami Kapanen.

How bad was it? 40/100. This was arguably the best Leafs team of the post-expansion era, which made their second-round exit all that much tougher to take.

Coming up next: In our final installment, we look at the JFJ era and beyond...

Bryan McCabe certainly knows what's really important

We're mere hours away from September 1. When the clock strikes midnight, the Leafs will write a $2 milloion ransom check to Bryan McCabe and then, presumably, deal him to the Florida Panthers.

While most Leaf fans are thrilled to see McCabe finally waive his no-trade clause, many have wondered why he chose Florida. After all, this is a guy who wouldn't even discuss a deal in February, and spent most of the summer swearing he wouldn't go anywhere. Why change his mind for the Panthers of all teams?

Well, Howard Berger apparently has the scoop in today's blog post:

... two factors make a move to the Panthers appealing. First, Bryan’s in-laws have a winter home in south Florida and are there throughout the bulk of the NHL season. And, second, former Leaf Wade Belak has grown very close to McCabe. In fact, the McCabes and Belaks are tight as families, having lived on the same street in Toronto the past couple of years. Next to Darcy Tucker — now with Colorado — Belak was McCabe’s best friend on the Leafs of last season.

Um...

Are you freaking kidding me?

Nothing about wanting to play for a Stanley Cup contender. Nothing about wanting to go to a team where he could play a more prominent role. Nothing about playing for coaches who could help him make the best of his talents.

No, his top priorities are to be near his in-laws and his best friend.

Is this guy twelve years old?

The longer this off-season drags on, the more we're learning about the players who made up the core leadership group on a Maple Leafs squad that became a league laughingstock over the past three years (whining, pouting and making excuses the whole way).

This was a team with a captain who needs over four months to decide if he even wants to play hockey anymore, and an assistant whose top career priority is being near his mother-in-law and BFF.

Forget making the playoffs. How did these losers ever manage to win a game?

Brighter days ahead for Bryan McCabe

OK, so you're Bryan McCabe.

Here's the bad news: Cliff Fletcher has called your bluff on the no-trade business, and now you're on the verge of heading out of town with your tail between your legs.

The worse news: You're going to the Florida Panthers, where hockey careers go to die.

But there is a bright side. And it's this: You, Bryan McCabe, are about to become an awesome hockey player.

That's right. Right now you may be a bumbling loser who everyone hates, but in mere weeks you'll rise from the ashes, reborn as an NHL superstar.

Yes, as per NHL rules, any player who isn't already a fan favorite (sorry, Wendel and Dougie) who is traded away from the Leafs will instantly become a far better player. That means you, Bryan.

The Canadian media will make sure it happens. After all, those "Bumbling Leafs screw up again!" stories aren't going to write themselves. So as soon as you're traded, you'll have an entire industry cheering your every minor success from now until the end of your career.

Don't believe me? Ask these guys.

Russ Courtnall

The myth: Russ Courtnall was a star, and trading him for John Kordic was one of the worst moves of all time.

The reality: Courtnall was a decent player with great speed, OK hands, generally lousy defensive skills and no grit. Was he a sniper? Not even close -- he never averaged even a point a game, despite playing in the top offensive era of all time. He had one 30-goal season, or half as many as Tom Fergus.

Overall, he was really just a very average player, and Kordic for Courtnall was a good trade.

Larry Murphy

The myth: Larry Murphy was a superstar in Pittsburgh and Detroit, but those dumb Leaf fans couldn't appreciate him and booed him out of town.

The reality: Murphy was great in Pittsburgh and Detroit. But he was just freaking terrible in Toronto. Why? No idea. But Toronto fans were right to boo Murphy.

Put it this way: the Leafs version of Murphy makes Bryan McCabe look like every other version of Murphy.

Vincent Damphousse

The myth: Damphousse had 1,200 career points. He was awesome.

The reality: Damphousse had 1,200 career points. He was pretty good.

Look, there's no arguing with 1,200 points. He did have some decent 90+ point seasons (unlike fellow superstar Courtnall). He also played for 47 years, which inflated his totals just a bit.

But do you ever notice how Damphousse is always mentioned in articles about the superstars the Leafs traded away, but never comes up in those other articles about how the Leafs never draft any star players? I wonder why that is...

Steve Sullivan

The myth: The Leafs thought he was too small to succeed in the NHL, but he went on to have seven straight 60+ seasons after leaving Toronto.

The reality: Hmm... OK, this one is pretty much true. Dammit. Let's just move on.

Kenny Jonsson

The myth: Jonsson was the best young defenceman in Toronto since Borje Salming. Trading him (as part of a package for Wendel Clark and Matthieu Schneider) was a terrible mistake, as he went on to become the star everyone knew he would be.

The reality: Jonsson had several good years with the Islanders. He was a decent all-around player. End of story. Not only wasn't he the next Borje Salming, he was barely the next Uwe Krupp.

Jonsson never played in an all-star game, was often hurt, and was out of the NHL after only ten years after being murdered by Gary Roberts during the 2004 playoffs. A fine career, sure, but nothing close to what you'd expect if you only went by his post-trade press clippings.

(Ironically, the dynamic young defenceman the Leafs gave up in that trade has been out of the NHL for four years, while the scraggly old one the Leafs got, Schneider, is still playing at a high level. For some reason Damien Cox keeps forgetting to mention this.)

And we haven't even got into the younger guys like Tuuka Rask and Brad Boyes. Shut it down, kids, you've already done more than enough! The hall of fame ceremony will be Monday.

So keep your chin up, Bryan. There are better days ahead. Go to Florida, play well enough to stay in the league, try not to score in your own net, and if it's not too much trouble score an occasional goal.

The Canadian media will take it from there.

The Nightmare Team: Defence and goalies

(This is part one of a three-part series. You can find part two, the forwards, right here. Part three, the front office, is here.)

Leafs blogger General Borschevsky recently unveiled his all-time Leafs dream team. And while its always nice to think back to the good times, my readers know that I sometimes have a little trouble staying positive when it comes to the Leafs.

So I got to thinking, what about the other side of the coin? What about those Leafs that we all loved to hate? Or, in some cases, just plain hated?

I humbly present my selections for the all-time Leaf loser squad: the players we'd all rather forget. As always, this list includes players from my roughly 25 years as a fan. Sadly, it wasn't very difficult to come up with a full roster.

Today, we'll focus on the defencemen and goalies.

Defence

BOOOOOOOOO!

Larry Murphy (1995-97)

Why we hate him: Murphy is the poster child for Leaf fan whipping boys. He's used as an example in the 50% of Leafs coverage that mentions how unreasonably demanding Toronto fans are (as opposed to the other 50% of Leaf coverage which mentioned how Leaf fans are gullible patsies who never boo anybody). Everyone now agrees that Murphy got a raw deal in Toronto from dumb fans who didn't recognize a superstar when they saw one.

There's one problem with that storyline: Murphy was absolutely terrible with the Leafs, and he deserved every boo he heard. For whatever reason Murphy never found his game in Toronto, playing the worst hockey of his otherwise excellent career. At the 1997 NHL All-Star game, the league invited Murphy to skate five strides behind all the players during the breakaway competition just so Leaf fans would feel at home.

Redeeming qualities: First ballot hall of famer. Won the Stanley Cup pretty much every year he wasn't playing for the Leafs.

Bryan Marchment (2003-04)

Why we hate him: Probably the dirtiest defenceman of all-time not named "Ulf", Marchment made a name for himself in the early 90s by going after the knees of Leaf players like Peter Zezel, Glenn Anderson and Wendel Clark. That last one turned out to be a mistake, since Clark eventually almost killed him during a brawl.

He ended up playing for the Leafs for a season, which normally is enough to wipe the slate clean. Not for this guy.

Redeeming qualities: Still pees himself whenever he walks by a Wendel Clark poster

Tom Kurvers (1989-91)

Why we hate him: Kurvers was acquired in an infamous deal by GM Floyd Smith that saw the Leafs trade their first round pick in the 1991 draft to the Devils. While most bad deals are only truly awful in hindsight, this trade was immediately labeled a disaster since Smith had apparently forgotten that a.) the Leafs sucked and b.) 1991 was the Eric Lindros draft year.

Once it became apparently that the Leafs had essentially traded the next NHL franchise player for a journeyman defenceman, Smith went into full-on firesale mode to ensure the Leafs would only finish second last. They did, but the Devils still used the pick to draft Scott Niedermayer, which Leaf fans then had to hear about every single time they played the Devils until he was mercifully murdered by Tie Domi in the 2001 playoffs.

Redeeming qualities: Not really his fault that Smith was a moron. Is apparently now a decent up-and-coming hockey executive. Was traded for Brian Bradley, who had a funny helment.

Andy Wozniewski (2005-2008)

Why we hate him: He was really, really bad at hockey. That wouldn't be that big a deal, except for the fact that he somehow wound up playing hockey for the Maple Leafs. Professionally. Which he was bad at.

Seriously, when you're a defenceman for the 2007 Leafs and you're known as "the bad one", you suck.

Redeeming qualities: Gave hope to a generation of children who dreamed of playing in the NHL even though they couldn't skate.

His barber refused to waive
his no-mullet clause

Bryan McCabe (2000-forever)

Why we hate him: After several years as a fan favorite, McCabe's career went off the rails starting with his epic playoff meltdowns against the Flyers. He signed a massive contract in 2006 that included a now infamous no-movement clause, and almost immediately fell apart as a player. His mental lapses have become legendary, and at one point last year his defensive zone coverage was so awful that Paul Maurice briefly considered cutting down his ice time before going back to thinking up funny one-liners for the Toronto media to lap up.

When not scoring into his own net in overtime, Bryan enjoys whining to referees and telling the media that the last place Leafs are a really good team. There is at least a 10% chance that Cliff Fletcher is going to sneak into his house and kill him before training camp.

Redeeming qualities: Can be counted on to always make sure you don't feel so bad about your own haircut.

Jeff Finger (2008-present)

Why we hate him: Signed a four-year, $3.5 million contract during the 2008 off-season, which would be fine except that nobody had ever heard of him. This was the signing that made everyone stare at Fletcher with that "maybe Grampa should move into the assisted living facility" look. It was later revealed that the Leafs may have had him confused with Kurt Sauer. That last line was easily the funniest one in this whole post, which is sad because it's actually true.

Also, his last name resulted in eight million variations of the exact same "Fletcher gives the Finger" jokes in the first 24 hours after he signed, half of which appeared in the Toronto Sun.

Redeeming qualities: Technically hasn't played for the Leafs yet, meaning his reputation will never be better than it is right now.

Defencemen who also received consideration:
Aki Berg (somehow left off my original list), Garth Butcher, Calle Johansson, Pavel Kubina, Drake Berehowsky, Jim Korn

Defencemen who did not receive consideration:
Todd Gill - Look, I know some fans still blame him for the giveaway against the Hawks in 1989. Those fans are idiots, and you should ignore them. Gill was awesome. I'm not going to argue about this.

Goalies

Rare footage of Andrew
Raycroft not being scored on

Andrew Raycroft (2006-08)

Why we hate him: Like a lot of players on this list, Raycroft serves as an enduring testament to moronic reign of John Ferguson Jr. With Ed Belfour on the way out of town, Ferguson decided to deal the organization's top prospect, Tukka Rask, to the Bruins for Raycroft in 2006. The deal seemed sketchy at the time, looked bad during the season and finally assumed full-fledged disaster status as Raycroft floundered.

Raycroft hit rock bottom during the 2007 season finale against the Habs. With a playoff spot on the line, he was pulled after giving up three soft goals and then told the media he was happy with how he'd played. The next year, he engaged in a battle for the starter's job with Vesa Toskala that was roughly as competitive as the Clark-Fetisov fight. He spent the rest of the year sitting on the bench with a baseball cap pulled down to his waist.

Redeeming qualities: Doesn't play for the Leafs anymore.

Scott Clemmensen

Why we hate him: Clemmensen is one of the rare players who've managed to annoy Leaf fans both before and after arriving in Toronto. He first made a name for himself on the final day of the 2006-07 season, when as a New Jersey Devil he had a chance to put the Leafs in the playoffs by beating the Islanders. In a dramatic shootout, Clemmensen chose to debut his patented "stand completely still while everyone scores on you" move, and the Leafs were eliminated.

His demonstrated ability to torpedo the Leafs playoff hopes made him irresistible to John Ferguson Jr, who signed him to a minor league deal that presumably included a no-trade clause. Having already destroyed the Leafs' past, Clemmensen set to work on the future as a Marlie by somehow convincing head coach Greg Gilbert to nail top prospect Justin Pogge to the bench for the entire playoff run.

Redeeming qualities: Appeared in three games for the Leafs, winning one. Which is one whole game more than you or I have won.

Goalies who also received consideration:
Curtis Joseph (now redeemed), Mikhael Tellqvist, Trevor Kidd

Goalies who did not receive consideration:
Allan Bester. Yes, yes, I know, the Momesso goal in 1991. Believe me, I know, I was there. But Bester stood on his head for some truly terrible Leaf teams in the 1980s. He doesn't deserve scorn, he deserves a medal.