The top secret transcript of Gary Bettman’s Fourth of July party

As my longtime readers know, Gary Bettman loves nothing more than hosting the entire NHL world at one of his world-famous parties. This year was no different, as all the most important names in the hockey world were invited to Bettman’s home for a backyard cookout to celebrate the Fourth of July.

Somehow, I didn’t get an invite. But luckily, my spies were able to sneak in, and they sent me a top secret transcript of the entire event.

(Scene: It’s the backyard of a large home in a trendy New York suburb. Gary Bettman is wearing a “Kiss the Chef” apron as he works the grill and welcomes guests. He’s approached by an old friend.)

Bill Daly: Gary, thanks for the invite. How this year’s party shaping up?

Bettman: We’re just getting started, but so far, so good.

Daly: Great. Got enough food?

Bettman: I think so. I’ve got a few packs of frozen burgers, a couple of steaks and sausages, and several hundred hot dogs that Mike Sullivan dropped off.

Daly: That seems like a lot.

Bettman: Apparently all the hot dog carts near the arena were having going-out-of-business sales.

Daly: I see.

Bettman: He seemed pretty happy about it.

Daly: Are all the guests here?

Bettman: Well, not all of them. Gabriel Landeskog been has been standing on the porch for half an hour, waiting for somebody to open the door for him. Jake Gardiner couldn’t make it because he’s waiting for a repairmen to show up and get his phone line working. And Paul Fenton was on his way up the driveway when he thought he saw a lizard, and now he’s trying to sign it to a contract.

Daly: Does that make sense to anybody?

Bettman: Not remotely, no.

Daly: OK, just checking.

Bettman: Anyway, time to start serving up some food. Hey Sebastian Aho, want a burger?

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Inside Gary Bettman's annual Halloween party

Well then next time, tell your friend
not to get lippy with Ben Eager.

Scene: An opulent mansion. The home is decked out with Halloween decorations, and various guests are milling around in costume. The doorbell rings, and is answered by a man dressed as a giant padlock.

Gary Bettman: Come on in!

Bill Daly enters, dressed as a giant crow with an "S" painted on his chest.

Daly: How's the annual Halloween party going, Gary?

Bettman: I'll be honest. I'm picking up on kind of a negative vibe this year.

He looks over to the other side of the room, where Donald Fehr and several players wearing cattle costumes are glaring back at them.

Daly: Understandable. Nice decorations, though.

He motions at a row of tombstones featuring a Thrashers logo, tickets to an Islanders game, the 2004-05 season, and the phrase "actual credibility".

Bettman: Thanks. I just wish Katz would stop trying to sneak an Edmonton Oilers one in there. But the costumes are cool. Ryan Suter went as a spinning weather vane, and the Sedins were great in that two-piece horse costume right up until David Booth showed up and started shooting at them.

Daly: And what about the guy in the straightjacket outside howling at the moon?

Bettman: Oh, that's just a hockey blogger trying to figure out how to put a fresh spin on his 27th consecutive lockout post.

Daly: Poor guy.

Bettman: Yeah. Sad, really.

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Inside Gary Bettman's playoff pool draft

"What do you mean we need extra
chairs for your 18 assistants?"

Scene: Last Wednesday, hours before the start of the first playoff games. Gary Bettman and Brendan Shanahan are in a boardroom at the NHL head office, preparing for the league's annual office playoff pool draft.

They're joined by the GMs of several teams whose teams didn't make the postseason. Deputy commissioner Bill Daly is finishing up an explanation of the pool's rules.

Daly: And finally, you need to pick at least one goaltender. Or, if they've already all been taken, Marc-Andre Fleury.

Bettman: OK, time to pick the draft order. Bill, will you do the honors?

Daly shuffles through a baseball cap full of scraps of paper and pulls one out.

Daly: And the first draft pick goes to… the Edmonton Oilers!

Everyone stares at him.

Daly: Sorry, force of habit. The first pick goes to Gary Bettman.

Bettman: Oh goody! Let's see, who should I pick. There are ever so many choices, I have no idea who I'm going to…

He looks up and realizes that everyone has already crossed Sidney Crosby off their draft sheets.

Bettman (sheepishly): I pick Crosby.

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Inside Gary Bettman's New Year's Eve party

The balloon didn't stop floating all night,
so they nicknamed it "Ovechkin".

Scene: Saturday night, shortly before midnight, in a spacious home in New York. NHL commissioner Gary Bettman is welcoming guests for his annual New Year's Eve party. Deputy commissioner Bill Daly arrives.

Bill Daly: Hi Gary… thanks for the invite. How's the party going?

Gary Bettman: So far so good. It got off to a rough start when Ilya Bryzgalov tried to convince everyone that it was a waste of time to celebrate the passage of a single year from within the unfathomably vast history of the cosmos. But we had Milan Lucic take a run at him, and ever since then it's been smooth sailing.

Daly: Nice. Mind if I help myself to some punch?

Bettman: Of course, be my guest.

Daly: Thanks pal. Uh, do you have any ice?

Dan Craig (appearing suddenly): I'm on it!

Craig reaches into a container with a small pair of tongs and selects several immaculately formed ice cubes, which he proceeds to inspect with a jeweler's eyepiece.

Daly: So… do you just make the ice for every NHL event?

Craig: It's in my contract.

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Inside Gary Bettman's annual Halloween party

It's clearly not a post-season
pumpkin, since it has a flame in it.

Scene: Last night, in a spacious home in New York. Halloween-themed music plays, as various hockey personalities wander around in costume.

The doorbell rings, and is answered by a man dressed as a zombie wearing an Atlanta Thrashers jersey.

Gary Bettman: Glad you could make it, come on in.

A man wearing an old-fashioned executioner's hood walks in.

Brendan Shanahan: Hi Gary… how's the party coming this year?

Bettman: Can't complain. A little crowded, but I guess you have to expect that when you invite the whole league.

Shanahan: You invited everybody in the entire NHL to your Halloween party?

Bettman: Well, except for Raffi Torres.

Shanahan: Good call.

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Gary Bettman's Labor Day BBQ

They actually just repackaged the same
tools that Leaf fans got tired of two years ago.

Scene: A spacious backyard. Various hockey personalities are milling around, enjoying one final summer BBQ. The host wearing a "Kiss The Commissioner" apron, and greeting the guests as they arrive.

Gary Bettman: Colie, it's great to see you. Glad you could make it.

Colin Campbell: Oh, you know I'd never miss a Gary Bettman party. How's it going so far?

Bettman: Not bad. My world famous potato salad is a big hit.

Campbell: That's great. But shouldn't somebody have laid out all the paper plates and cutlery by now?

Bettman: Yeah, one of the players said they would do it.

Campbell: Well, whoever it was, they got started and then only finished about two-thirds of the job.

Bettman: They did what... uh oh. Sigh. Um, Brad?

Brad Richards (casually wandering by): Yeah Gary?

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The NHL's application form for new owners

The "Everyone who thinks hockey can
work in Phoenix" club: 2011 group photo

Welcome to the latest round of NHL ownership roulette. While the Buffalo Sabres seem to have found a saviour in Terry Pegula, other teams haven't been so lucky. The Dallas Stars' ownership situation could impact their ability to resign players like Brad Richards, while the Atlanta Thrashers have been mentioned as a team that could be on the move as early as next season.

And then, of course, there's the never-ending saga of the Phoenix Coyotes. Ongoing wrangling with the city of Glendale has many predicting that the team will have no choice but to move, perhaps back to Winnipeg.

It's all very frustrating, and as a fan you'd be forgiven if you were tempted to take matters into your own hands and just buy a team for yourself. And if so then you're in luck, because I've obtained a copy of the league's application form for new owners. Simply fill out the form below and send it to Gary Bettman, and soon you too could be the proud owner of your very own team.

***

Thank you for your interest in purchasing an NHL team. As you can imagine, the process of being accepted as an NHL owner is an arduous one that involves an exhaustive examination of your background and qualifications.

In that spirit, please complete the following one-page application form:

Are you interested in buying an NHL team?
( ) Yes
( ) No

If you indicated "Yes" to the question above… uh, seriously?
( ) Ha ha… No
( ) Yes!

Wow. OK, next question: Do you have any money?
( ) Yes
( ) No
( ) No, but I am willing to pretend that I do until it's too late.

If you are applying to purchase a team in a large market with a rich history, please indicate the name of the billion-dollar company you are associated with:
______________________________

If you are applying to purchase a team in a medium-sized market with a small but loyal fan base, please indicate how many loans you will require to complete this transaction:
______________________________

If you are applying to purchase a team in the southern United States, please indicate how much loose change you have in your pocket right now:
______________________________

If you are applying to purchase a team in the southern US or other non-traditional market, please indicate the reason for your interest (check all that apply):
( ) Have not read an article on the economics of hockey since the 1993 Stanley Cup final.
( ) Have succeeded at everything I've ever tried; want to see what this whole "failure" thing I've heard so much about is like.
( ) Want someplace I can go a few evenings a week during the winter when I need to be alone.
( ) A judge has recently ordered me to pay half my net worth to my ex-wife; my lawyer tells me that this will be slightly less obvious than just setting a giant pile of money on fire.

Please describe your level of familiarity with the sport of hockey:
( ) Have been a die-hard fan ever since the sport was invented, back on the day Mark Messier was traded to the Rangers.
( ) Have seen most of the Mighty Duck movies.
( ) Once got a blister playing the arcade version of "Blades of Steel" with the rolly ball thing.
( ) Hockey's the one with pigskin and cleats and the billion-dollar TV contract, right?

Do you have an in-depth plan in place for financing a state-of-the-art arena for your team?
( ) Yes
( ) No

Can that in-depth plan be summarized in its entirety as "Get the city to pay for it"?
( ) Yes
( ) Yes

What is your ultimate goal in purchasing an NHL franchise?
( ) Winning a Stanley Cup championship
( ) Fostering a sense of civic pride within my community
( ) Fostering a sense of civic pride within whichever community I'm threatening to move the team to in a few months
( ) Have several enemies; would like to work in an industry in which I can break their necks without consequences

Hey, you're not planning to be one of those owners who writes open letters, are you?
( ) What?
( ) No sir!

Finally, if you're reading this application form on a smart phone, what kind is it?
( ) iPhone
( ) Droid
( ) Blackberry
( ) Unreleased Blackberry prototype, since it's my company and … uh, I mean, iPhone.

Nice try, Jim.
( ) Dammit!

Inside Gary Bettman's Super Bowl party

Of course, Bettman immediately launched
an intricate conspiracy against the wings.

The NHL took a rare night off on Sunday. And as regular readers know, a night off usually means one thing: One of Gary Bettman's famous parties, where players and personalities from around the league gather to enjoy each other's company.

Scene: Gary Bettman's living room. Bettman is wearing a Penguins jersey with "Steelers" written on it in magic marker. Co-host Donald Fehr is wearing a cheesehead.

In the living room, a crowd has gathered around a large board that contains a traditional Super Bowl squares pool. One guest is finishing a lengthy dissertation.

Ted Leonsis: And that, my friends, is how to win a Super Bowl squares pool. It's the perfect strategy, and you should all thank me for sharing my genius with you.

Bettman: That's great, Ted. So are you going to buy a $2 square or what?

Leonsis: Uh, I'm a little short. Any chance somebody can chip in some of that?

Richard Peddie sighs, and hands over some change.

Leonsis (under his breath): Genius…

Bettman: OK, looks like the board is almost all filled. Has everyone had a chance to pick their square?

Fehr: Yeah, every single person at the party. Well, everyone except…

Everyone turns to stare at one guest.

Phil Kessel: Sigh.

Alexander Ovechkin runs over and snaps a photo.

Bettman: Leave him alone, Alex. OK, the big game is almost ready to start. Does everyone have a place to sit?

Cory Clouston climbs into his booster seat. John Ferguson Jr. sits down on the floor, facing the wrong way. Detroit Red Wings GM Ken Holland points out a comfortable chair in the corner.

Holland: I've thought about it, done my homework, weighed the pros and cons, and I've decided I'm going to sit right…

Garth Snow nonchalantly walks over and sits in Holland's spot.

Holland: Hey! Stop doing that!

Bettman: Tough break Ken. But there's still a bunch of empty chairs all around Phil.

Kessel: I hate you all so much.

The party is suddenly interrupted by the floor rumbling, followed by crashing sounds from outside.

Fehr (peering out window): Uh, Gary, there are 30 guys in tights running around outside, shooting lasers out of their eyes and smashing things.

Bettman: Thirty guys?

Fehr: Well, 29. Plus an angry tree. Who also seems to be wearing tights.

Bettman: Oh no. It's the heroes from our NHL Guardian project. Ever since we told Stan Lee that the entire idea was a terrible mistake, he's been threatening to unleash them against us.

Fehr: So wait, you're saying we're under attack from 30 angry heroes with super powers? What can we do?

Bettman: Brent?

Brent Johnson: I'll take care of it. Somebody hold my beer.

Johnson casually shakes off his glove and blocker and walks out the front the door. Three seconds later, he walks back in.

Johnson: They're all unconscious.

Bettman: Thanks Brent.

Johnson: Sorry it took so long. Hey, what happened to my beer?

Holland: Garth Snow probably took it.

Fehr: Uh oh. Gary, I thought we specifically said we weren't going to invite…

A figure emerges from the kitchen wearing an apron and oven mitts and carrying a tray.

Chris Pronger (cheery sing-song voice): Who wants some of my world-famous Super Bowl guacamole dip?

Everyone: NO!

Pronger: What? Why not?

Bettman: Well, for starters it's probably made out of ground up kitten hearts.

Pronger: Oh come on. Just because I occasionally play on the edge doesn't mean I can't be a well-rounded person off the ice. And it just so happens that I worked all afternoon on this special recipe because I thought that if I made you guys something nice then maybe, just this once, you'd start treating me like a friend instead of some kind of monster. I guess I was wrong.

Bettman: Wow. Sorry Chris.

Pronger: Sniffle.

Everyone digs in.

Bettman (mouth full): Wow, this is really good. (Chewing.) And where did you get the serving bowl that looks like a hollowed out human skull?

Pronger: "Looks like"?

Everyone spits out their food and begins retching.

Pronger: Boo-yah!

Bettman: Brent, you want to take care of this?

Johnson: I'm invincible, not crazy. I'm out of here.

Ovechkin: Me too.

Holland: Me too.

Garth Snow nonchalantly gets in Holland's car and drives away.

Holland: Oh come on!

Leonsis (disappearing out the door): This whole thing would have been so much better if I was in charge. Hey, can anyone spot me some cab fare?

Ferguson, Clouston and Peddie file out. Bettman and Fehr are left standing in the doorway.

Bettman: Wow. This place cleared out quick. I guess this is just another Bettman party disaster.

Fehr (placing an arm around Bettman): Yeah. But don't worry about it buddy. There's still time to make it to the party at Selig's house. I'll drive.

Bettman surveys the room, shakes his head, and turns for the door. He flicks off the light as he leaves.

Twenty minutes later, a lone figure still sitting in the otherwise empty room finally speaks.

Kessel: So do I get another car for this, or what?

Behind the scenes at the NHL's Christmas pageant

Youngest player on the team.

Scene: A stage in a school gymnasium. An audience slowly files in to take their seats in rows of folding chairs. Behind the curtain it's chaos, as cast and crew work on last minute preparations. In the center of it all, a man hops off of a director's chair and tries to address the group.

Gary Bettman: Attention! Everyone, can I have your attention?

Nobody notices him amid the noise and chaos. Bill Daly, wearing a "Santa's Little Helper" hat, hands Bettman a director's megaphone.

Bettman (shouting into megaphone): Attention everyone!

No luck. Nobody can hear him.

Bettman (sighing): Pierre, a little help please?

Pierre McGuire: HELP WITH WHAT?

Immediate silence.

Bettman: Thanks Pierre. OK everyone, listen up. This is a very big night for all of us. The NHL's annual holiday pageant is one of the league's most important events, and our friends and family want to see a good show.

Bettman peeks his head out between the curtains and surveys the audience. Colin Campbell is standing on a chair in the front row, holding a video camera and waving furiously.

Bettman (closing curtain): Yikes. Alright everyone, this gym holds hundreds of people, so for you Thrashers and Islanders this will be the biggest crowd you perform in front of all year. Let's make it count. OK, where's my Santa Claus?

Bruce Boudreau: Ho, ho, [expletive deleted] ho.

Bettman: And where are Santa's elves?

The Montreal Canadiens' top two lines: We're here.

Bettman: Great. And what about Scrooge?

Daly: Uh, he said he had something to take care of.

Daly motions offstage, where Lou Lamoriello is handing pink slips to all the stagehands.

Bettman: Good ol' Lou. Hey, did we ever end up getting any volunteers to play the Three Wise Men?

Ron Wilson, Brian Burke and Richard Peddie: Sure did!

Daly and Bettman stare in horror.

Daly: Um… maybe we can write their scene out.

Bettman: Good idea. OK, has anyone seen Tiny Tim? Adorable little guy, looks so grownup in his big boy suit and his scrunched up angry wittle face…. Oh, there he is!

Cory Clouston: This is degrading and I'm not doing it.

Bettman: Oh, you're doing it, junior. Now you're supposed to be disabled. Do you know where we could get some crutches?

Clouston: I'll go ask Pascal Leclaire, he carries a few spares with him at all times.

Bettman: Good idea. OK everyone, let's run through the big dramatic scene with the three ghosts. Is the Ghost of Hockey Future here?

Sidney Crosby appears, wearing a white Penguins road jersey with the number 87 on the back.

Crosby: I'm here, boss.

Bettman: Great. And what about the Ghost of Hockey Present?

Crosby changes into a #87 black Penguins home jersey.

Crosby: Right here.

Bettman: Wonderful! And what about the Ghost of Hockey Past?

Mario Lemieux: I'm here.

Bettman: Hey, where's your costume?

Lemieux: Please tell me your weren't actually serious about making me wear that.

Bettman: Of course!

Lemieux sighs heavily, then pulls on a #87 Penguins third jersey.

Bettman: Perfect!

Lemieux (storming off): Learn some history.

Bettman: Wow, who's the cranky old guy?

Daly: I have no idea. Sid said he knew him. I think maybe it's his grandfather.

Bettman: I don't like him. Scrooge, take care of him.

Lamoriello (pulling a pink slip out of his pocket): With pleasure.

Daly: Um, sir, we may have a problem.

Bettman turns around to find Pascal Leclaire slumped on the ground, bleeding heavily, with shards of jagged bones jutting out of all four limbs.

Bettman: Dammit Pronger!

Daly: Uh, actually, Chris Pronger's not here this time. He's on the IR with a broken foot, remember?

Bettman: Oh. Then who…

Clouston: Actually, don't worry about it. This happens to him three or four times a week.

Leclaire (barely conscious): Butterfly... landed… on me….

Clouston: Get up, Pascal. Even without functioning limbs you're still better than Elliott.

Bettman: OK everyone, it's almost show time. I think the crowd is getting restless.

(From the crowd, a lone voice can be heard shouting "We want Greg! We want Greg!")

Bettman: Bill, what's the status? Are we ready to go?

Daly: Well, Pascal Leclaire just wandered by the decorative candles and caught himself on fire. Pierre McGuire is refusing to perform his Silent Night solo because he doesn't understand what the word "silent" means. And Bruce Boudreau just taught the little children an alternate version of Rudolph where all the reindeer are from Nantucket.

Bettman: I see.

Daly: Oh, and Lou Lamoriello just had security escort the Baby Jesus out of the building.

Bettman: So basically the whole thing is a disaster.

Daly: An unmitigated, unprecedented, unsalvageable disaster, yes.

Bettman: Well then, you know what we have to do.

Daly: Call Matthew Hulsizer and see if he wants to buy it?

Bettman: Good job, old friend. And Happy Holidays to all!

Inside Gary Bettman's Halloween party

In hindsight, it may have been a mistake to
let John MacLean carve the pumpkin.

NHL fans likely noticed an odd schedule quirk over the weekend. After a Saturday that featured 28 teams in action for the busiest night of the year, there wasn't so much as a single game played on Sunday.

Coincidence? Maybe not. Sources tell me that the league-wide night off was the result of a direct order from commissioner Gary Bettman, who wanted to make sure everyone would be available to attend his annual Halloween party.

In fact, those same sources were there that night and provided me with a complete transcript of how the evening unfolded.

Scene: An opulent home in Manhattan. The party is just getting underway, and various NHL personalities are helping to put the finishing touches on the decorations. Colin Campbell is hanging black and orange streamers, Ken Holland is carving a pumpkin, and John Ferguson Jr. is hanging stockings over the fireplace.

There's a knock at the door, which is answered by a man in a Napoleon costume.

Gary Bettman: Hi! Come on in!

Deputy commissioner Bill Daly enters, wearing a banana costume with the number two painted on the back..

Daly: Hi Gary. How's the party going this year?

Bettman: So far, so good. It's a decent turnout, and everyone seems to be having fun.

Daly: What about the costumes?

Bettman: Hit and miss. The Sedins just switched jerseys and came as each other. But Mark Recchi's zombie outfit is getting more realistic every year, and Jarome Iginla looks great walking around with a Kings jersey and a calendar turned to March, 2011.

Daly: Who's the guy sitting on your couch in the elaborate Grim Reaper costume?

Bettman: Oh, that's Donald Fehr.

Daly: I see. And that necklace made of skulls is…

Bettman: Various MLB owners, apparently.

Daly: Wow. I'm surprised you even invited him.

Bettman: I didn't. He's been sitting there like that since August.

Fehr points a bony finger at Bettman, then takes a bite out of one of the skulls.

Bettman and Daly: (shudder)

They're interrupted by Peter Chiarelli, wearing a black toque and bandit's mask.

Chiarelli: Um, did you guys know that John Ferguson Jr. is hiding eggs in your front yard?

Daly: Yeah, don't worry about it. What's with the burglar's outfit?

Chiarelli: Hold on a second.

Chiarelli reaches over and grabs a handful of candy from the bag of an unsuspecting Brian Burke.

Chiarelli: Sorry, you were saying?

Daly: Never mind. That reminds me, Gary, how's the rest of the candy distribution going?

Bettman: Not so good. Ted Leonsis keeps telling everyone they're doing it wrong. Glenn Sather gave the first kid who showed up twice as much candy as he deserved. And Lou Lamoriello gave all his candy to Ilya Kovalchuk and now doesn't have any left over for anyone else.

Daly: Ouch.

Bettman: Also, let's just say that giving out lollipops to James Wisniewski was a bad idea.

They're interrupted by Brian Burke, dressed as mad scientist.

Bettman: Hi Brian. Enjoying the party?

Burke: Well, I just found out the Peter Chiarelli stole all my candy. But I'm just going to pretend that I'm OK with that, and that everything went according to plan. You all believe me, don't you?

Bettman: Of course we do.

Burke: By the way, great job on the decorations out front. The blood-splattered walls, the bodies sprawled every where, the anguished shrieks that echo out from all corners…

Bettman: Uh, we didn't decorate the front of the house.

Burke: Oh. Then that would mean…

Bettman: Oh no…

A figure riding a motorcycle smashes through Bettman's plate-glass window and skids to a stop in his living room.

Chris Pronger: Boo-yah!

Bettman stares at Pronger's outfit: a torn straightjacket, dented welder's mask, and spiked leather shoulder pads with what appear to be eyeballs stuck on the tips.

Bettman: Hi Chris. Nice costume.

Pronger: Costume?

Bettman: Never mind. Help yourself to the buffet.

Pronger: Ooh, crab cakes!

Daly: Rough night, eh Gary?

Bettman: Well, put it this way. Nobody seems to have enough candy. Half the guest list is currently being loaded into ambulances thanks to Chris Pronger. Donald Fehr just managed to convince the paramedics to go on strike. And John Ferguson Jr. appears to be handing out homemade Valentine's cards.

Daly: Hmm.

Bettman: You know what this means, don't you Bill?

Daly: I sure do, Gary.

Bettman: Tonight's party has been easily the most successful thing I've accomplished in my 17 years as commissioner!

Daly: And they said these parties can't be scary.