The Oilers are playing a game seven and something horrible is about to happen

The Oilers stomped the Ducks on Sunday night, staving off elimination and forcing a seventh game Wednesday night in Anaheim. In a series that’s had a little bit of everything, Edmonton’s 7–1 blowout was just the latest unpredictable twist, and at this point it’s fair to say that anything is possible in Game 7.

But we do know one thing: Something horrible is going to happen.

The Ducks’ recent history of losing Game 7s has been well documented; they’ve dropped five in a row, including seeing each of their last four seasons end in a Game 7 loss on home ice. Last year’s loss cost Bruce Boudreau his job and had Bob Murray ripping his players.

So today, as we wait for Wednesday night's showdown, let's relive the Oilers' history of Game 7 misery (with one Game 5 thrown in for good measure). We'll count down all 10 of the winner-take-all games in the team's history, from least to most tragic.

No. 10: 1984 – Oilers 7, Flames 4

The setup: The Oilers had run away with the Presidents' Trophy, finishing 37 points up on Calgary. They'd also threatened to run away with the series, taking a 3–1 lead, before a pair of one-goal Flames wins forced a deciding game.

The game: The Flames held tough early on, coming back from an early 2–0 deficit to take a 4–3 lead midway through the second. But the Oilers poured it on from there, scoring the game's final four goals to earn a 7–4 win.

Defining memory: Reggie Lemelin made a highlight-reel save on a Pat Hughes breakaway but lost his stick in the process, and Kenny Linesman stuffed home the winner while the Flames' goalie was scrambling to retrieve it. The goal also touched off a line brawl, because this was the Battle of Alberta and that's just how they rolled.

Misery ranking: 2/10. Consider this relatively painless game as the exception that proves the rule; the late collapse was tough on the Flames, but we'd all expected an Oilers win and the Flames had done well just to push them to the limit. Calgary would get a rematch two years later. Spoiler alert: That one would be worse.

No. 9: 1998 – Oilers 4, Avalanche 0

The setup: After dropping Games 3 and 4 at home to fall behind in the series 3–1, the underdog Oilers fought back to force a seventh game against an Avalanche team looking to win their second Stanley Cup in three years.

The game: What seemed like a potential goaltender's duel between Patrick Roy and Curtis Joseph ended up being a one-sided affair, with the Oilers building a 3–0 lead by midway through the third period. They'd end up taking the game by a 4–0 final in front of a dead-quiet Colorado crowd.

Defining memory: Joseph gets wiped out in the corner by a teammate, then scrambles back to his crease to make a diving save on Rene Corbet, snuffing out any hope of a Colorado comeback.

Misery ranking: 5/10. This would be the Avalanche's only first-round loss (and only time they didn't make it at least as far as the Conference Final) in their first seven years in Colorado. More importantly for the rest of us, it ended any chance of seeing another Red Wings/Avalanche cage match.

No. 8: 1989 – Kings 6, Oilers 3

The setup: A win in the dying second of game four had put the Oilers up 3–1 in the series, but the Kings fought back to force a seventh game. (As a side note, a lot of Oilers seven-game series seem to involve teams coming back from down 3–1. This means something. I don't know what.)

Of course, this was more than just a playoff series — it was the first post-season meeting between the two teams since the previous summer's blockbuster that had sent Wayne Gretzky to Los Angeles.

The game: Gretzky opened the scoring less than a minute in, but the two teams were tied late in the second. That's when Bernie Nicholls scored the eventual winner, as the Kings went on to a 6–3 win.

Defining memory: Gretzky's empty netter sealed the deal, ending the Oilers' two-year reign as champions.

Misery ranking: 6/10. Whether losing to their former franchise player made this more or less painful for Edmonton fans is a matter of perspective. At the time, it felt like the Oilers' time as an elite NHL franchise had ended with the trade, although they'd come back and win another Cup the following season.

>> Read the full post at Sportsnet

When Stanley Cup final goalies get hurt

Ben Bishop didn’t have a leg to stand on. Literally. At various points during last night’s Game 3 of the Stanley Cup final in Chicago, Bishop struggled just to stand up. At other points, he made it seem like going side-to-side was difficult. And yet he somehow stuck around for the entire game, eventually earning the decision in Tampa Bay’s 3-2 win.

As painful as it was to watch, last night was an improvement. On Saturday, Bishop’s mysterious injury forced him out of Game 2 — he briefly returned and then left again, this time for good. Backup Andrei Vasilevskiy was forced into action in the game’s final minutes. At this point, it wouldn’t be a surprise if we see him again this series. Bishop is toughing it out, but he looks like a guy who is on borrowed time.

And so, we find ourselves playing out a story line that’s exceedingly rare in a Stanley Cup final. For the first time in almost a decade, we have a starting goaltender suffering a significant mid-series injury, one that has already forced him out of action once and could do so again.

Uh, you might want to stop reading right here, Oilers fans.

Seriously, just do it. Close the browser tab. Everything is going so well for you right now. Between Connor McDavid, Peter Chiarelli, and Todd McLellan, you’ve basically just enjoyed the best month any team could have without actually playing any games. Life is good for you right now. So stop reading.

Because today, in the aftermath of the Bishop ordeal, we’re going to look back at the last time an established starter got hurt during the final. And that means going back to 2006 and the series between the Oilers and Hurricanes.

(Seriously, Oilers fans: Leave now. Final warning. Any especially squeamish Lightning fans may want to bail, too, come to think of it.)

The 2006 Cup final was the first played in two years, thanks to the lockout that wiped out the entire 2004-05 season. When play finally resumed in October 2005, hockey fans were treated to a league with a new salary cap, new rules, and a new emphasis on calling the rulebook by the letter. The result was the best kind of chaos, a season when conventional wisdom and expert predictions went out the window. Scoring jumped, two generational talents debuted, and the eventual MVP was traded midseason. It was a fun time.

That sense of unpredictability carried over into the playoffs. In the East, the Hurricanes ultimately edged the Sabres, which wasn’t especially surprising. But in the West, where the heavily favored Red Wings had racked up 124 points to emerge as the clear-cut Cup favorite, all four underdogs won in the opening round. After beating Detroit, the Oilers made an unprecedented run all the way to the final as the no. 8 seed, knocking off the Sharks and Mighty Ducks along the way.

Many fans remember that Oilers team as a ragtag group of misfits that barely sneaked into the playoffs and pulled off a minor miracle to make it to the final, but as we’ve covered before, that’s not quite true. The Oilers actually were a pretty darn good team whose season was almost ruined by historically awful goaltending. The 2006 Oilers could score, they posted solid possession numbers (as best we can tell), and they had Chris Pronger. They also spent most of the year passing the starter’s job between Jussi Markkanen, Ty Conklin, and Mike Morrison, none of whom managed to post a save percentage better than .885.

That led to a gutsy trade deadline gamble, with the Oilers sending their first-round pick to the Wild for veteran Dwayne Roloson, a pending free agent. It was a risky move. The Oilers were in danger of missing the playoffs, so it was possible they were giving up a high pick for a month’s worth of regular-season work from a player who would bolt in the offseason. But it paid off beautifully, as Roloson solidified the position during the season and then played brilliantly during the playoff run.

By the time they reached the final, Edmonton looked every bit like a team that could beat Carolina and earn the franchise’s first Stanley Cup since 1990. With Roloson playing well, Pronger leading the way, a cast of unlikely heroes emerging, and an entire nation largely united behind them, the Oilers had a distinct “team of destiny” feel to them. In a wild and unpredictable season, there was no better ending you could script than the Edmonton Oilers skating off with the Stanley Cup.

>> Read the full post on Grantland

How did the classic rebuild approach go so right for the Avs and so wrong for the Oilers?

How do you build a winner in the NHL?

Or, more specifically, how do you rebuild one? How do you take a team that has fallen out of contention today and doesn't have the assets to win tomorrow, and reshape it into a perennial contender?

There are plenty of approaches, but one stands out as the most common: You lose. You lose badly, lose often, finish last, and collect high draft picks. Then you draft elite talent and watch it grow into a strong core, eventually supplementing those young stars with veterans and depth guys. And then you win, and win a lot, and everyone forgets about the miserable years that came before. Call it tanking or call it patience. Part of the plan is that you never admit you're following a plan, but every fan knows it when they see it.

It sounds so simple, and for some teams, it is. The Penguins used the approach to win a Cup. The Blackhawks won two. Of course, teams like the Panthers and Islanders haven't had as much luck. Nobody said it was foolproof. And not everyone approves. But you can't argue with success, and a look back at the last decade of Cup winners shows that the plan often works.

Today, various NHL teams are in different stages of the plan, but two stand out as the archetypal examples: the Edmonton Oilers and the Colorado Avalanche. The two teams have followed remarkably similar roads. And yet, somehow, the destinations they've arrived at this year couldn't be more different.

Both the Oilers and Avs had spent much of their recent history finishing near the bottom of the league. Both had used the high draft picks earned in those lost seasons to assemble a roster packed with can't-miss forwards. Both brought in a former player from the franchise's past to make player personnel decisions. And both made a change behind the bench during the offseason, hiring a candidate without NHL coaching experience.

The Avalanche are the NHL's breakthrough story of the season, sitting at 14-3-0 for 28 points and first place in the Central. Even for the most optimistic Colorado homer, their success this year borders on the unimaginable. They have the league's best goal differential and have allowed the fewest goals.3 They've already had a pair of six-game win streaks. They're dominating.

And then there are the Oilers. Their season has been a disaster, with a 4-14-2 record that has left them last in the Western Conference. They've given up more goals than any other team by a mile,4 have won only once at home, and are already 14 points out of a playoff spot. We're not even halfway through November, and the Oilers are done.

How could this happen? Let's look through five critical factors in any rebuild, and see what we can learn from the Oilers and Avalanche.

>> Read the full post on Grantland

Weekend wrapup: Bryzgalov is back

A look at three of the biggest stories from the NHL weekend and how they’ll play into the coming days.

Why You Hefta Be Bad?

God bless the Edmonton Oilers.

A team that has already spent the season giving the league so much — automatic wins, crazy trade rumors, doughnut-based media scandals — topped itself this weekend when it brought Ilya Bryzgalov back to the NHL.

The Oilers agreed to terms with the free-agent goaltender Friday, signing him to a one-year deal worth $2 million. He’ll spend some time in the AHL on a conditioning assignment, then join the Oilers to compete with Devan Dubnyk for the starting job.

While Bryzgalov’s high-priced stint in Philadelphia was a disaster, he’s still one of the league’s most entertaining characters. He also has some history in Edmonton. His infamous “Why you hefta be mad?” monologue was directed at Oiler fans booing Chris Pronger, and he also referred to Edmonton as the North Pole. He clarified that latter remark over the weekend.

Dubnyk has taken much of the blame from Edmonton fans outraged at yet another lost season (the Oilers are already 14 points out of a playoff spot), and he certainly deserves his share based on an ugly stat line. His 3.92 goals-against average and .876 save percentage both rank toward the bottom of the league. And while it’s true that all goalies go through bad stretches, at some point the Oilers were going to have to make a change. If anything, bringing in a capable veteran free agent was probably a smarter strategy than trading away young players in a panic move.

That’s not to say the Bryzgalov signing didn’t cost the Oilers anything, because it did. In order to free up the money to make the deal, Edmonton was forced to move veteran defenseman Ladislav Smid to the Flames for a pair of middling prospects. (There have also been persistent rumors of a pending deal to send Ales Hemsky to the Flyers, but it has yet to happen.)

The Smid deal becomes part of a trivia question, marking only the second time in history that the Battle of Alberta rivals have made a trade with each other. More importantly: Smid was acquired seven years ago as the key prospect in the Pronger trade, which serves as a painful reminder for Oiler fans of just how long this perpetual rebuild is taking.

As for the action on the ice, it was more of the same for the Oilers. They lost to the Flyers on Saturday and the Blackhawks on Sunday, and now sit in the 29th spot in the league.

>> Read the full post on Grantland

Take the Quiz: How will your team do this season?

Eventually, JFJ put down his pencil and
just concentrated on eating all the paste.

For hockey fans, the wait is over. Training camp is done, final rosters have been announced, and the start of the season is just a days away. Very soon, we'll start to separate the contenders from the pretenders.

But what if you're the type of fan who doesn't like suspense? What if you can't be bothered to watch 82 games just to find out whether your favourite team will be any good this year?

You're in luck. By taking the quiz below, you can find out right now whether your team has what it takes to succeed. Simply grab a pen, circle the answer to each question that best applies to your team, and then consult the answer key at the end.

Spoiler alert: Don't read any further if you want to be surprised.

What is your team's official marketing slogan for the coming season?
a.) "Come and watch us on our quest for the Stanley Cup."
b.) "Win or lose, you'll always see an honest effort."
c.) "All season tickets are non-refundable."
d.) "Hey, as long as everyone has fun and nobody gets hurt there's really no reason to keep score, right?"

During an exhibition game, you notice your team's coach is using one of those fancy new tablet computers behind the bench. When the camera zooms in on the screen, what would you expect to see him doing?
a.) Drawing up a detailed play that's specific to the current personnel and game situation.
b.) Reviewing video of a play that took place earlier.
c.) Googling the phrase "How does 'icing' work?"
d.) Posting his resume online.

Your team's prized prospect is often referred to as:
a.) "Alexander Ovechkin without the mercy"
b.) "Chris Pronger without the mean streak"
c.) "Martin St. Louis without the size"
d.) "Vesa Toskala without the limbs"

Whenever experts discuss your team, the most common phrase they use is:
a.) "The presumptive Stanley Cup champions"
b.) "The dark horse contender"
c.) "The complete and utter travesty of a team, an embarrassing collection of unskilled impostors, seemingly lacking in even the most basic human capacity for shame"
d.) "The Edmonton Oilers"

How often does your team take a "too many men on the ice" penalty?
a.) Never. The coaching staff has enforced an unshakable team-wide commitment to discipline.
b.) Occasionally. But only because of confusion caused by those two all-star forwards being identical twins.
c.) Often. Your players have difficulty with complex concepts, such as "six".
d.) Never. The league has ruled that, due to their talent level, it is technically impossible for your team to ever be using "too many" players.

When asked by a reporter for what he would like to be able to say about his team at the end of the season, the general manager replies:
a.) "That we won it all -- nothing else will be acceptable."
b.) "That we always gave it everything we had, even if it was in a losing cause."
c.) "That we finished near the top of the league in ties."
d.) "At the end of the season? You should probably ask somebody who'll still be employed here."

Whenever you hear an expert say that your team will contend for a championship, they immediately follow that by adding:
a.) "Then again, I'm really just stating the obvious here."
b.) "Of course, that's only if they're able to stay completely healthy."
c.) "This concludes my demonstration of the sort of thing people say when they've suffered severe head trauma."
d.) "e5"

What is currently hanging from the ceiling in your team's dressing room?
a.) A replica of last year's championship banner.
b.) An inspirational quote about never giving up during difficult times.
c.) Streamers, balloons, and a sign reading "Congratulations on winning a faceoff".
d.) The starting goaltender.

Scoring: Total up your answers, then check below to find out how your team did.

Mostly a's: Plan the parade!
Mostly b's: Get ready to enjoy the ups and downs of an interesting season.
Mostly c's: Oh well, at least you can look forward to a top five draft pick.
Mostly d's: Oh well, at least the Bruins can look forward to a top five draft pick.

NBC's strange new NHL promo

I know it's become trendy to complain about NBC's hockey coverage. And I know it has to be a hard job putting those broadcasts together for a national audience that may or may not even be interested in the sport.

But is it me, or does their latest advertising campaign seem a little... odd?

(Remember, when you don't subscribe to Bloge Salming videos, you're telling the world that you're on Team Leno.)

2009-2010 Season Preview: The Northwest Division

As we count down the final days leading up to the 2009-10 regular season, let's take a look at each of the 30 teams with the official DGB Season Preview. Today, we look at the Northwest Division.

Edmonton Oilers

The good: At last count there were still at least 20 players in the NHL who don't have no-trade clauses, meaning Oilers can still field a complete roster.
The bad: The leaking of the names involves in the Heatley trade negotiations left guys like Dustin Penner twisting in the wind, or would have if it were physically possible to lift him off the ground.
Biggest question mark: Will injury-prone Nikolai Khabibulin respond well to a lighter workload in Edmonton, given that he won't have to ever play in the playoffs?
Fearless forecast: A frustrated Pat Quinn becomes the most popular coach in Oilers history when he extinguishes his cigar in Mike Comrie's eye.

Minnesota Wild

The good: Finally abandoned the trap and committed to playing a more free-flowing offensive system, meaning now the only member of the Wild who consistently puts people to sleep will be Derek Boogaard.
The bad: The loss of superstar Marion Gaborik could prove devastating to the hundreds of local health care workers who relied on him for full-time employment.
Biggest question mark: Will Niklas Backstrom's numbers take a hit now that he may be asked to occasionally face a shot on net?
Fearless forecast: You will accidentally refer to them as the "North Stars" every time you talk about them all year, which will be twice.

Calgary Flames

The good: Spent off-season conducting exhaustive search for the best possible head coach, who in incredibly bizarre coincidence ended up being the GM's brother.
The bad: It's going to be awkward when they finish first in the division, only to find out that Jay Bouwmeester packed up and went home the day the season ended out of force of habit.
Biggest question mark: Will Dion Phaneuf's play be negatively affected around the time of a full moon when he is visited by the ghostly corpse of Kyle Okposo?
Fearless forecast: The team should be a strong Cup contender except in the extremely unlikely event that Miikka Kiprusoff's play deteriorates, the way it has every single year since the lockout.

Colorado Avalanche

The good: Had the brilliant idea of hiring universally beloved former player Joe Sakic to coach the team.
The bad: Probably should have proofread that job offer a little more carefully before sending it out.
Biggest question mark: Seriously, why is every single person from the front office and coaching staff a former Maple Leaf fourth liner?
Fearless forecast: During a brawl-filled game against the Red Wings Chris Osgood skates the length of the ice for the traditional goalie fight, only to be disappointed to learn that the Avs haven't had an NHL goaltender in three years.

Vancouver Canucks

The good: Size up front. The forwards weigh in at an average of 220 lbs.
The bad: That drops to 175 lbs on nights Kyle Wellwood isn't playing.
Biggest question mark: How injured would Roberto Luongo have to be for it to actually makes sense to use backup goalie Andrew Raycroft instead? Two missing limbs? Three?
Fearless forecast: At long last, Vancouver hockey fans get to watch a championship hockey team. Then the Olympics end, and the Canucks resume their march to a second round elimination.

NHL 10: An early review

Tuesday is one of the biggest days on an NHL fan's calendar: the release of NHL 10, the latest version of EA Sports' NHL series.

It goes without saying that a blogger as important and popular as I am would be sent an advance reviewer's copy. I had a chance to give it a try over the weekend, and the results were mixed.

Bugs
Let's get the bad news out of the way first. I'm not sure if this game was rushed onto shelves without enough time for testing, but there are a ton of bugs that simply should have been caught.

• Simming ahead several years in franchise mode can lead to unrealistic results. For example, I simmed ahead to 2011, and the game listed one of the teams as playing in "Phoenix".
  
  
• In Front Office mode, the "fire general manager" option is permanently greyed out for the New York Rangers.
  
  
• Somebody at EA needs to seriously prune the roster file to clear out guys who haven't even been in skates for years. This year's game still has guys like Jason Allison and Theo Fleury kicking around.
  
  
• While the post-whistle scrums are a nice addition, they don't feel realistic because announcer Jim Hughson fails to break into an overwrought lecture about how terrible they are.
  
  
• The financial AI is just terrible. Teams like Chicago, Boston and Philadelphia kept signing players to contracts that would clearly ruin their long-term salary cap situation.
  
  
• AI-controlled teams occasionally make roster moves they'd never make in real life. For example, in one sim I noticed the Leafs had signed another team's RFA, which of course is ridiculous since Brian Burke hates when teams do that.
  
  
• While experimenting with the GM mode, I attempted to trade a star player to Edmonton. The deal was accepted, but when I checked the Oilers roster immediately afterwards, the star player was there.

Cheats
What major video game release these days doesn't come with a few cheats and easter eggs? Sure enough, NHL 2010 has its share.

• When you're prompted to enter your name on the opening screen, type in "Jim Balsillie" to unlock an extended slideshow of Gary Bettman giving you the finger.
  
  
• If you manage to win the Stanley Cup, hit "exit" before the handshake line finishes. When you enter the off-season, the game's musical soundtrack will be replaced by the sound of Red Wings fans crying. (Note: there is apparently no undo for this feature.)
  
  
• Enter your name as "Howard Berger" on the opening screen, and then sim a season. All 82 of your games will be scheduled during the month of November.
  
  
• Inspired by the legendary NBA Jam series, NHL 10 includes a hilarious "tiny mode" in which all the regular players on a team are comically shrunk down to a fraction of their normal size. To enable this mode, go to the Team Select screen and choose "Montreal Canadiens".

New features
Now for the good stuff. As fans have come to expect, this year's version comes packed with new and enhanced features.

• The much-hyped "first person fighting" mode is every bit as good as advertised. When you throw a perfectly timed uppercut that connects with your unsuspecting opponent's face, you can actually see the blood splatter onto the cab's dashboard.
  
  
• The game includes an interesting new feature called "Ask Burkie". You can type in any hockey question, and a simulated Brian Burke will provide an answer. Unfortunately, due to an apparent programming error the screen lacks an "exit" button, and Burke just keeps talking and talking non-stop. Even removing the CD and unplugging the system doesn't help. I eventually had to burn my Xbox and bury the ashes in the backyard to get him to be quiet.
  
  
• In a neat bit of crossover promotion, the game will check your hard drive for any Resident Evil saved game files. If it finds any, it will replace the final zombie boss with Chris Chelios.
  
  
• The "Be A Player" mode is super realistic. In my first game against Toronto I lightly nudged one of the Leafs' skill players, and the game immediately cut to a full-motion video montage of my funeral.
  
  
• The all new board play is great fun. You can get a puck to an open teammate by using the new "kick-pass" button. In addition, when controlling Martin Havlat you can also use the "kick-groin" button.
  
  
• Players can now snatch a puck out of the air with their glove hand (note: feature does not apply to Andrew Raycroft).
  
  
• Finally, the game features an intriguing new mode in which two teams can play each other up to seven consecutive times, with the first team to win four games advancing on to play a different team. As a Leaf fan I thought this was really unqiue and creative, and hope the real NHL implements something similar in the future.

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If you liked this post, you might also enjoy:

• The Leafs' secret Facebook feed
  
• Brian Burke mic'd at the draft: What TSN didn't show you
  
• How to fight when you don't want to fight
• And don't forget to follow DGB on twitter

Dany Heatley meets with Kevin Lowe: The secret transcript

Two men enter. One leaves.

As everyone knows by now, Oilers president Kevin Lowe rushed to Kelowna last night to meet with Senators winger Dany Heatley in an attempt to convince him to waive his no-trade clause and accept a deal to Edmonton.

Neither side is commenting about what went on at the meeting. But as long-time readers may have suspected, DGB spies were able to breach the security at the Heatley compound and record the discussion.

What follows is the top secret transcript of the conversation.

Lowe: Dany, I want to thank you for meeting with me. I know this entire situation has been difficult for you, but I really believe that after we get a chance to chat, you're going to want to be a part of the Oilers.

Heatley: Hey, I'm willing to hear you out.

Lowe: Now, just so I'm clear on your side of things, you're demanding a trade because...

Heatley: ... because I can't spend another day in Ottawa. I'm miserable beyond any measure of human understanding. Every day I spend in Ottawa is the worst of my life, and the only joy I find is in the knowledge that every day wasted in that god forsaken town brings me one day closer to the icy relief of death.

Lowe: I see. And you're not waiving your no-trade clause because...

Heatley: ... all that still sounds better than spending the winter in Edmonton.

Lowe: Got it.

Heatley: No offence.

Lowe: No, none taken. Now, I understand you've had some problems with the Ottawa media. But I just want to assure you that the reporters who cover the Oilers are some of the very best in the business.

Heatley: Actually, a friend of mine used to play for the Oilers and he told me that the media there is very talented.

Lowe: Oh really? And who said that?

Heatley: Chris Pronger.

Lowe: Right.

Heatley: Veeerrry talented.

Lowe: Yeah, I got it. (Cell phone rings.) I'm sorry Dany, one moment please. (Answers phone.) Hi Bryan. Yes, I'm talking to him right now. It's going well. What's that? Sure, I suppose you could say hello. Let me put you on speakerphone.

Bryan Murray: HEATLEY IF YOU DON'T ACCEPT THIS TRADE SO HELP ME I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS AND THEN I'M GOING TO SQUAT OVER YOUR CORPSE AND TAKE A NICE LONG... (click).

Lowe: Oops, he must have got disconnected.

Heatley: Your cell has a speakerphone on it?

Lowe: Never mind that.

Heatley: Look Kevin, I just want you know that the regular season is nice. But that's not my focus. For a guy like me, the real hockey doesn't start until April and May.

Lowe: Yes, absolutely, it's all about the Stanley Cup.

Heatley: The what? No, I meant the world hockey championships.

Lowe: Oh.

Heatley: Man, I totally kick ass in that tournament.

Lowe: I've heard.

Heatley: I totally lit it up against Latvia this year. Their goalie had no glove.

Lowe: Yeah, I hear they have some weaknesses.

Heatley: No, I mean literally. He had no glove. He was using a baseball cap. I scored six goals.

Lowe: Wonderful.

Heatley: I tell you, as long as the game is completely meaningless, I am unstoppable.

Lowe: I'll keep that in mind. Now, I've heard that you've had some problems with Cory Clouston.

Heatley: Yeah, he's always singling me out. "Dany, you were out of position. Dany, you have to actually work hard. Dany, you have to come back into your own zone once or twice a game." It's like he thinks he's in charge or something.

Lowe: Right. But I think you'd get along great with our new coach, Pat Quinn. I was hoping you'd get a chance to meet him tonight, but I wasn't able to get a hold of him.

Heatley: Actually, he's outside.

Lowe: He's what?

Heatley: Right there.

(Heatley points to a shadowy figure looming outside his window. The figure takes a puff from a lit cigar.)

Lowe: Um... How long has he been there?

Heatley: Going on three days now.

Lowe: I see.

(The shadowy figure points at its eyes with two fingers, then points at Heatley.)

Heatley: He keeps doing that.

Lowe: Hm.

Heatley: Hey, wasn't Steve Tambellini going to be here?

Lowe: He's in the car. We don't let him get involved with actual decisions.

Heatley: Ah.

Lowe: So Dany, in closing I just want to say that everyone in Edmonton is very excited about the possibility of having you aboard.

Heatley: Everyone.

Lowe: Absolutely everyone.

(Heatley looks over to the shadowy figure in the window, who points at him and then makes a throat-slash gesture.)

Lowe: Almost without exception.

Heatley: Well, you've done a great job selling me on Edmonton. As soon as you leave, I'm going to call my agent and tell him to waive my no-trade. I'm going to be an Oiler!

Lowe: Wow! Really?

Heatley: Hey, I'm Dany Heatley. You have my word.

Going under cover

Sports Illustrated recently launched an online feature called the Archive, which allows you to search for any player or team and browse through all of SI's articles, photos and videos. It's addictive stuff. And you can learn a lot.

For example: Did you know that the Toronto Maple Leafs have never been on the cover of Sports Illustrated?

According to their archive, no Leaf has ever made the cover -- not even in the background of another hockey photo. That seems odd, although you have to consider that SI's hockey coverage peaked in the 70s and 80s, and the Leafs weren't exactly... um... newsworthy back then. Still, the Leafs have apparently shown up in over 550 SI articles over the years, so it's a little strange that they never even managed a cameo on the cover.

All of which begs the question: if there's an SI cover curse, how bad would the Leafs be if they had ever been on one? Not to worry. Considering the current state of the team, and the current almost complete lack of hockey coverage in Sports Illustrated, I wouldn't expect any cover appearances any time soon.

What about the other Canadian teams?

Montreal Canadiens - Thirteen covers. The team made frequent appearances in the 60s and 70s, but since then have only been on twice -- once each for their Cup wins in 1986 and 1993.

Edmonton Oilers - Ten covers. For some reason this surprised me -- I would have expected more, since SI had a lot of hockey coverage in the 80s. Needless to say, all but one of the covers feature Gretzky and the appearances end in 1989. Another surprise: Gretzky made only one cover appearance as a King, and two more as a Ranger.

Ottawa Senators - No covers.

Vancouver Canucks - Two covers, but in both cases a Canuck is only shown in the background of a cover that focuses on the New York Rangers.

Calgary Flames - Two covers. One featuring Jarome Iginla's face along with a few dozen others on a "Minorities in Sports" feature, and another with an unindentified Flames being run over by Tomas Sandstrong of the Kings. Oddly enough, there is a cover featuring Jim Craig of the Atlanta Flames.

Neither the Jets or Nordiques ever made an appearance.

For whatever it's worth, the Toronto Blue Jays have made the cover eight times, including three weeks in a two in 1992 and this sweet shot of Shaker Mo rounding third at the Ex.

(Note: The SI Archive doesn't seem to be 100% reliable, and they're not completely consistent with how they tag each cover. For example, I found two old Wayne Gretzky covers that showed up under his name but not in a search for the Oilers. So please forgive any errors above.)

Jim Hughson has a flight to catch

In the long and growing list of recent NHL trends that annoy fans, I think we need to find a place for "NHL play-by-play announcers who feel the need to act high-and-mighty when fights break out".

The most recent example is from the normally excellent Jim Hughson during Saturday's Oilers/Canucks game:



Some money quotes include:

- a disgusted "Oh, we've got more of this off the faceoff?". It wasn't quite Joe Buck-level faux outrage, but it was close.

- "They really should have just run the clock". Yes Jim, great idea, actually, if it weren't for that stupid thing... what's it called... oh yes, "the rulebook". That thing always gets in the way.

- "All this other extracurricular stuff and nonsense at the end aside...". This came right at the end, and a good thing too. I was worried that Hughson was going to violate the broadcasting code that makes at least one use of the word "nonsense" mandatory everytime an exciting brawl breaks out.

There may have been more, but I had trouble hearing Hughson's musings about how disappointing and unwanted the whole thing was, what with all that wild and enthusiastic cheering from the fans.

Serious question: Do NHL broadcasters really not understand that most fans love this stuff? Has it been so long since they've paid to see a hockey game that they've forgotten (or no longer care) what the average fan is interested in? Or do they know perfectly well what their audience likes, but feel the need to pointlessly grandstand anyways?

Ah well... Hughson probably had several thousand fans throwing their remotes at their TVs in an effort to shut him up. But he'll make Chris Zelkovich feel all tingly, and I guess that counts for something.