Grab bag: Should Vegas boo Gary Bettman?

In a special Thursday edition of the Friday Grab Bag:
- Important advice for Caps fans on how to celebrate a Cup win the right way
- The case for and against Las Vegas fans booing Gary Bettman
- An obscure player who once got punched by a recently fired GM
- The week's three comedy stars, in which we find out a superhero reads hockey blogs
- And a look back at Bettman's first Cup hand off, 25 years ago this week...

>> Read the full post at Vice Sports

Podcast: Playoff preview

In this week's episode of Biscuits, the Vice Sports hockey podcast:
- We make our picks for all eight first-round matchups
- Dave is once again wrong about a replay review
- In a results-based league where winning is everything, none of the bad teams except the Rangers fired anyone
- Ryan O'Reilly's interesting exit interview
- The NHL randomly invents a tie-breaker rule
- I need help with my Hart ballot
- And lots more, as we pack a ton of stuff into an hour

>> Stream it now:

>> Or, subscribe on iTunes.

Podcast: Trade deadline preview

In this week's episode of Biscuits, the Vice Sports hockey podcast:
- It's an all-deadline edition, as we sort through the big names in play
- Where should the big wingers -- Nash, Kane, Pacioretty -- wind up?
- Does Mike Green head back to Washington, or do the Leafs grab him?
- Will a bigger name like Erik Karlsson be in play?
- Why haven't there been many moves so far?
- Plus thoughts on the Mrazek deal, read questions, and I make a brilliant observation about the Bruins that was outdated within hours.

>> Stream it now:

>> Or, subscribe on iTunes.

Podcast: We have a trade to announce

In this week's episode of Biscuits, the Vice Sports hockey podcast:
- We react to the Phaneuf/Gaborik deal
- Did Jim Benning deserve his extension?
- Dave is a big baby about Team Canada beating Team USA in women's hockey, which is weird because you'd think he'd be used to it
- Islanders fans are trying to get Garth Snow fired
- The Oilers hang a banner for their fan-voted best team ever
- Reader questions and lots more

>> Stream it now:

>> Or, subscribe on iTunes.

Eight high-risk trade deadline targets

With five weeks to go until the trade deadline, we’re well into the part of the season where teams need to ask themselves some tough questions. Are we really contenders? How much of the future are we willing to part with? Should we throw in the towel and be sellers? How highly do we value stability in our room? And when is the right time to make our move?

And maybe most importantly: Just how comfortable are we with risk?

We don’t talk about that one much, but it’s a key factor. We already know that most NHL GMs are risk-averse and many would rather not make any trades at all if they thought they could get away with it. But once you’ve decided to make a deal, you’ve got to figure out just how much uncertainty you’re willing to accept.

For some of the players on the market, the risk factor is minimal. If the Leafs decide to move pending UFA James van Riemsdyk, any team acquiring him will know what they’re getting — a guy who’s going to score at a 25- to 35-goal pace, just like he has for the last half-dozen years or so, this one included. Same with someone like Mike Hoffman in Ottawa. Meanwhile, a guy like Mark Letestu may not be as consistent, but he’d come relatively cheap and his contract is easy to swallow, so the risk factor isn’t high there either.

So if you want to play it safe, those are going to be the sort of players you’re calling about. But if you want to swing for the fences, you’re going to have to accept a higher degree of uncertainty. So today, let’s take a look at eight trade targets at this year’s deadline that represent high-risk opportunities.

These are the sort of trades that could earn a GM a Stanley Cup ring — or a pink slip. Who’s feeling lucky?

Max Pacioretty, Canadiens

Best case: Since the start of the 2011–12 season, only three wingers have scored more than 200 goals. Alexander Ovechkin leads the way with 286, while Patrick Kane has 202. And then in between those two there’s Pacioretty, whose 204 ranks him ahead of guys like Jamie Benn, Phil Kessel and Corey Perry.

Players like that don’t hit the trade market very often. That’s especially true when they still have another year left on an extremely team-friendly deal. But with the Canadiens struggling through another disastrous season and Pacioretty slumping for most of the first half, his name is all over the rumour mill. Marc Bergevin’s recent trade record isn’t especially intimidating, and this feels like the perfect opportunity to step in and take advantage of a team that’s in a bad place and might feel forced into selling a prime asset at a discount.

Worst case: Pacioretty’s had a rough season on and off the ice, and the stress of wearing the C in Montreal seems to be wearing on him. It’s been widely assumed that a change of scenery would see him snap back to the consistent 30-goal threat we’re used to seeing. But there’s no guarantee that happens, and it’s possible that whichever team lands him may be getting a guy who needs some time to rediscover his footing. His recent hot streak is reassuring, but it probably also moves up a price tag that should already be high.

Even if he was a bit of a bust this year, you’d still have him under contract for next season. But after that, you figure he’s going to want to get paid after years of representing one of the league’s best values, so this could still be a short-term move with a long-term price tag.

Bottom line: It’s an intriguing opportunity to land a player with a very solid track record. But are you willing to run the risk of being the GM who lost a blockbuster trade to Marc Bergevin?

>> Read the full post at Sportsnet

Making the case for each lottery team to trade their first round pick

Once the ping pong balls had stopped bouncing and Saturday’s draft-lottery announcement was complete, we knew two things: 1) That the hockey gods hate the Colorado Avalanche, and 2) The order for this year’s top 15 picks. The bottom half of the draft is still sorting itself out in the playoffs, but the top half is locked in.

Well, at least for now.

While the order is set in stone, the picks themselves could still change hands via trade. This year’s first round has been unusually stable as far as deals go. Only two picks have changed hands, with the Blues getting Washington’s pick in the Kevin Shattenkirk deal and the Coyotes getting Minnesota’s for Martin Hanzal. (A third pick is still up in the air, as the Stars could still get Anaheim’s first from the Patrick Eaves trade.)

That said, "easy" isn’t necessarily fun, and we like to have some fun around here. In what's expected to be a weaker draft, maybe this is the year that we can talk some GMs into shopping their picks. So today, let's see if we can make a case for each of the lottery teams to trade its first-round pick. This will get tougher as we get closer to the first-overall pick, so we'll start out easy and work our way up to it.

Pick No. 15: New York Islanders

The case for a trade: The Islanders just endured a disappointing season, following up their first playoff series win in 23 years by missing the playoffs and firing their coach. But they only missed the wild card by one point, so it's not like they're a candidate for a full-on reset.

Maybe more importantly, this is a team that has some serious incentive to win now. They're looking for a new arena deal, and those can be easier to come by when you've got some positive momentum to build on. There's also the John Tavares situation; the Islanders' franchise player is eligible to sign an extension on July 1, and he may not be interested in spending what's left of his prime treading water for a middle-of-the-pack team.

Add it all up, and mix in some new ownership that's going to want to see some progress, and waiting around two or three years for another prospect to be ready is going to be a hard sell for Garth Snow.

Does it hold up?: It's a pretty solid case. It's not like Snow is going to be able to land a superstar for a mid-round pick in a weak draft, but using the 15th choice as an asset in a deal would make a lot of sense.

Pick No. 14: Tampa Bay Lightning

The case for a trade: We all figured they were Stanley Cup contenders, and maybe they still are. But after a season where just about everything went wrong, their window seems a lot smaller than most of us thought. Trading their top pick for immediate help would make a lot of sense, especially since anyone they draft from this spot isn't likely to be a difference-maker any time soon.

Does it hold up?: On the surface, sure. But the problem in Tampa is the salary cap, where Steve Yzerman barely has enough room to handle all the guys on his current roster. Adding another veteran would be tricky, so while the Lightning's focus should be on right now, Yzerman may not have any choice but to bank this pick for down the line.

Pick No. 13: Winnipeg Jets

The case for a trade: This year's Jets season played out just like all the others since the team's return — lots of young talent and plenty of potential, but, ultimately, zero playoff wins. Kevin Cheveldayoff has been preaching patience for years now, but at some point you need to start winning.

Fans in Winnipeg are among the most loyal in the league, but they've been looking one or two years down the road for six seasons now. The team needs to take a step forward someday. If not now, when?

Does it hold up?: You'd think so. Dangling the team's top pick – maybe for goaltending help — seems like a reasonable play. But no team in the league has been more reluctant to make big trades than Cheveldayoff and the Jets, so let's file this one under "unlikely."

>> Read the full post at Sportsnet

Grab bag: In which Garth Snow actually does something

In the Friday Grab Bag:
- It's OK to like that trade your team just made
- Conditional draft picks (or why the NHL hates you, part 847)
- An obscure player who was involved in two important trades
- The week's three comedy stars
- And a look back at the night that Matthew Barnaby tragically died on the ice, only to be brought back to life by Garth Snow...

>> Read the full post at Vice Sports

Which GMs are facing the most deadline pressure? (Eastern Conference edition)

Tomorrow marks the start of February. More importantly for hockey fans, it also marks four weeks until the trade deadline. With more teams than ever hanging around the playoff race, we could be in for a wild month.

Or maybe not. This is the NHL, after all, where most of the league’s GMs have proven very adept at coming up with reasons to stand pat. You can already hear the well-worn excuses being dusted off — the cap makes trading too hard, the market wasn’t quite right, we just couldn’t find the right deal. Most of these guys will probably figure out a way to tinker here and there and then call it a day.

And for some teams, that will make sense. Others, not so much. So this week, we’re going through the league team-by-team to figure out which GMs are under the most pressure over the next four weeks. Yesterday, we covered the Western Conference. Today, it’s onto the East.

Jim Rutherford, Pittsburgh Penguins

Rutherford's Penguins are the defending Cup champs, they don't have any obvious holes, and they've all but clinched a playoff spot already. It's not all smooth-sailing; he does still need to figure out what to do about his goaltending and the upcoming expansion draft, although that can wait for the off-season. And the Metro is going to be tough, with the possibility that a deadline arms race could break out between the division's top contenders. But for now, Rutherford's in as good a shape as anyone.

Pressure rating: 2/10

Jarko Kekalainen, Columbus Blue Jackets

Few GMs came into the season on a hotter seat than Kekalainen. His cap was a mess, he'd made a controversial pick at the top of the draft, he hadn't done much to improve over the off-season, and nobody expected his team to be any good. On opening night, Kekalainen looked like a guy who could be hard-pressed to make it through the season. Fast forward to today, and he's probably in the running for GM of the Year. The Blue Jackets are going to make the playoffs, and they've even got a shot at a Presidents' Trophy.

That doesn't remove all the pressure from Kekalainen, since this is the time of year that Cup contenders are expected to load up, and the Blue Jackets have shown some signs of fading over recent weeks. If you're a Columbus fan who's been waiting nearly two decades for a playoff run, you might figure now's the time to go all-in. But right now, Kekalainen's job looks an awful lot easier — not to mention more secure — than it did just a few months ago.

Pressure rating: 4/10

Ray Shero, New Jersey Devils

Is anyone actually out of the playoff hunt in the East? If so, it's New Jersey, and that's a disappointing result for a team that seemed headed in the right direction. The good news is that it could position the Devils as one of the few sellers in the league, which in theory should drive up prices on anyone they want to move. That's the kind of opportunity that a smart GM can take advantage of.

Pressure rating: 4/10

Pierre Dorion, Ottawa Senators

The Senators have been a pleasant surprise so far, and are holding down a reasonably firm grip on a playoff spot. In his first season as an NHL GM, Dorion has suggested that he'd like to add help at forward. The Senators have been linked to some of the bigger names out there, and given that the playoff format is likely to serve up a winnable first-round matchup, there's been some talk that this might the year for Dorion to make a big push. It could happen, but right now the Senators don't look like a team that absolutely needs to make a move.

Pressure rating: 4/10

>> Read the full post at Sportsnet

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Podcast: New York state of mind

In this week's episode of Biscuits, the Vice Sports hockey podcast:
- The NHL had a bunch of high-scoring games this week and they were great
- With Henrik Lundqvist struggling, are the Rangers a team in crisis?
- How is Garth Snow still employed? (Dave has an intriguing theory.)
- Reader questions
- More debate over the NHL's top 100
- More hints about something interesting that's happening next week
... and lots more.

>> Stream it now on Vice Sports

>> Or, subscribe on iTunes.

Weekend wrap: The mild west

In the NHL, we’ve spent the better part of the last two decades knowing we could count on at least one simple truth: When it comes to the conferences, West was best.

The conference boasted the best teams, and most of the best players. They didn’t always win the Stanley Cup, although they did win most of them.

And even when they didn’t, it was the exception that proved the rule.

Sure, an Eastern team won this year, we could say, but look how much easier their path to the final was.

And maybe more importantly, the Western Conference just had the better style of play. Whatever type of hockey you liked – bigger, faster, more offensive, more creative – you could point to the West and say that you saw it there.

Eastern Conference action was fine most nights, but if you wanted to see the really good stuff, you had to stick around for the late show.

In recent years, it started to feel like we'd all embraced the idea of Western superiority a little too tightly, as much out of force of habit as anything else. But the reality is that there was a lot of truth to the idea. When I crunched the numbers a few seasons ago, it was clear that the West really was dominating, and had been for years.

But recently, the trend seems to be showing cracks.

The East has won three straight Presidents' Trophies, and last year the Penguins finally snapped the Stanley Cup streak of the dominant Blackhawks/Kings tag team.

And this year, early as it may be, there's really no comparison. The East has been the far better conference.

You can see that trend at the top of any power rankings — including the ones in this column. The East is taking up most of the top spots, as teams like Montreal, New York Rangers and Pittsburgh churn along. That continues as you scan down the standings; Eastern teams hold down nine of the top eleven spots in terms of points, and each of the top four in terms of goals differential.

Out west, which team would you really consider dominant?

There are the Blackhawks, as always, although even their success has been accompanied by a sky-high PDO that has to come back to earth soon. Other than Chicago, there isn't a team in the conference that stands out. Setting loser points aside, eight teams in the East have at least two more wins than losses. In the West, only Chicago can make that claim.

Meanwhile, the East is giving up its grip on the bottom of the standings, where its teams used to litter the lottery odds charts. So far this season, it's teams like the Flames, Coyotes and Canucks that are struggling at least as badly as the Sabres, Islanders or Hurricanes, if not worse.

Again, it's still early, and a winning streak here or there can alter perception fairly quickly. But it sure looks like the East is headed towards finally staking a claim as the league's powerhouse conference, at least as far as the regular season goes. It sure took them long enough.

Road to the Cup

The five teams that look like they're headed towards Stanley Cup favorite status.

5. Tampa Bay Lightning (12-6-1, plus-15 true goals differential*) – Doctors say that Steven Stamkos is out for anywhere between four and six months, so remember to look surprised when he just happens to be cleared to return to the lineup on the day of their first playoff game.

4. Pittsburgh Penguins (11-4-3, plus-2) – Their home-and-home showdown with the Rangers this week should go a long way towards sorting out the top of the Metro pecking order.

3. New York Rangers (13-5-1, plus-32) – Speaking of which, remember when home-and-homes between division rivals used to happen on back-to-back nights so you knew there'd be some bad blood? Sure glad the NHL got rid of that.

>> Read the full post at Sportsnet

Weekend wrap: Hall-of-Fame edition

Opening faceoff: Hall of Fame weekend

The annual Hall of Fame weekend is one of the highlights of the season. We get the inductees being honoured before various games around the league, an alumni game, various fan events, and it all culminates with tonight’s induction ceremony in Toronto.

This year’s class – Eric Lindros, Rogie Vachon, Sergei Makarov and Pat Quinn – is an interesting one. The three players all had to endure a long wait before hearing their names called, including 31 years for Vachon. That just goes to show we never really know who’s going to be a Hall-of-Famer, even after a player’s career has long been over. If it can take three decades to figure out whether a goalie is headed to the Hall, arguing over active players seems downright futile.

And it probably is. But it’s also fun. So let’s do it right now, by celebrating Hall of Fame weekend with a question: Which of the games on this weekend’s schedule featured the most future Hall of Famers?

Obviously, certain teams are going to be the focus here. For example, the Penguins have two sure things in Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin plus a handful of other possibilities. But they played the Maple Leafs, and with all due respect to Brendan Shanahan's rebuild, we should probably wait until mid-season to fast-track Auston Matthews and Mitch Marner's inductions.

The Lightning are another stacked team, although they're tougher to project given how young the core is. They faced the Sharks, who'll at least have Joe Thornton and could see guys like Patrick Marleau and Brent Burns make a push, so that's a good candidate.

A few other games that weren't exactly considered marquee matchups could make a case. For example, the Bruins have one lock in Zdeno Chara and another that's getting close in Patrice Bergeron, and they faced an Avalanche team that has Jarome Iginla and a bunch of young stars. And the Panthers/Islanders game featured Jaromir Jagr, Roberto Luongo and John Tavares, plus some young Florida stars.

Maybe we should be looking at the Canadiens. Shea Weber's odds look good, and at this rate Carey Price may be inducted three or four times. But they faced the Red Wings on Saturday, who really only have Henrik Zetterberg as a strong candidate right now. Last night's matchup between the Habs and Blackhawks would be a much stronger pick, but Price didn't play in that game.

But the Blackhawks do seem like the team to focus on, with Marian Hossa all but in and Jonathan Toews, Patrick Kane and Duncan Keith well on their way. And luckily for us, they had another matchup over the weekend that we can use. That came on Friday, when the Hawks faced the Capitals. Washington's only sure thing right now is Alexander Ovechkin, but between Nicklas Backstrom, Braden Holtby and some of their younger pieces, they seem like a good bet to send a few players to the Hall someday.

So let's go with that. We'll pencil in Friday's Chicago/Washington game as having the most Hall-of-Fame packed matchup on the weekend schedule.

Remember to check back in 31 years to find out whether we were right.

Road to the Cup

The five teams that look like they're headed towards Stanley Cup favourite status.

5. Pittsburgh Penguins (10-3-2, +7 true goals differential*) – Weird fact: Sidney Crosby has only finished in the top five in goals scored once in his career, when he won the Rocket Richard back in 2010. With 10 goals through nine games, he looks like a good bet this season.

4. Washington Capitals (9-4-1, +3) – They went into Chicago and ended the Blackhawks' seven-game win streak on Friday, then got blown out by the lowly Hurricanes on Saturday. Back-to-backs against rested opponents can take down the best.

>> Read the full post at Sportsnet

Five GMs on the hot seat

We're a week into the NHL season, which is nowhere near enough time for any reasonable person to start talking about anyone's job being on the line. Luckily, we're hockey fans and reasonable has nothing to do with it, so let's get to the speculation.

Usually when we talk about hot seats, we look at the league's coaches. After all, as the old saying goes, they're hired to be fired, and as Todd Richards found out last year, it doesn't take too many losses at the start of the season to cost a coach his job. But today, let's aim a level higher. NHL GMs tend to have a little more job security, and most get at least a few years to show progress before they come under fire. And when things get bad, they can often offer up their coach as a scapegoat first. But through all that, at some point, the buck stops with the boss.

Plenty of GMs around the league are probably safe no matter what happens. Guys like Jeff Gorton and Peter Chiarelli have only been on the job for a little over a year. Dean Lombardi and Stan Bowman both have a handful of Stanley Cup rings to ward off any criticism. And John Chayka can't legally be fired due to child labor laws. But others are facing more uncertainty.

I've already singled out on GM for hot seat honors – in Sportsnet's preseason predictions, I chose Chuck Fletcher as being on the shakiest ground, given that the Wild were old, expensive, hadn't made a conference final under his watch and had already fired their coach. I won't pick on him again today, so here are five more GMs who could use a strong season to take some of the heat off.

Jarmo Kekalainen, Blue Jackets

On the one hand, you could argue that Kekalainen hasn't been given enough time in Columbus. He's only been on the job since February 2013, and while that actually puts him in the upper half of the league's GMs in terms of seniority, it's still less time than you'd ideally give a GM.

On the other hand… well, how much time have you got? The Blue Jackets haven't won a playoff round under Kekalainen (or anyone else), and they missed the playoffs in each of the last two years. The roster is clogged with bad contracts. Kekalainen made a controversial decision at the draft, grabbing Pierre-Luc Dubois instead of Jesse Puljujarvi. And he's already played his coaching card, having replaced Todd Richards with John Tortorella around this time last year.

Add it all up, and the Blue Jackets are under plenty of pressure to get off to a good start this year. Instead, Tortorella is telling the media that they're not even close. That's not a good combination, and you have to wonder how long it might be before president of hockey ops John Davidson gets the urge to clean house and start all over again.

>> Read the full post at The Hockey News

The NHL GM trade power rankings (part two)

15. Doug Wilson, San Jose Sharks

Current standings: 15-14-1, second place in the Pacific

Estimated cap room: $1 million (assuming Ben Smith is on the LTIR)

Remember when a Patrick Marleau deal felt like a sure thing? That was only a few weeks ago, but the buzz around that move has quieted down significantly. The wide-open Pacific says Wilson should be looking to deal; the cap says he might not be able to. Either way, he tends to do most of his trading in the offseason or at the trade deadline. And history says we shouldn't expect anything over the next few weeks; he hasn't made a deal in December since 2006.

14. Don Sweeney, Boston Bruins

Current standings: 17-9-4, second place in the Atlantic

Estimated cap room: $600,000

You have to hand it to Sweeney -- the rookie GM certainly wasn't shy about pulling the trigger after being promoted in the offseason. He made several big trades, including those involving Dougie Hamilton, Milan Lucic and Martin Jones (twice). Granted, those deals got mixed reviews, but the key point is that Sweeney doesn't seem to have gotten the memo in his orientation package about being timid on the trade front. The only thing keeping him from ranking higher is the Bruins' tight cap and their place in the standings -- not bad enough to rebuild, not quite good enough to go try to load up.

>> Read the full post on ESPN.com (scroll down to get to entries 15 thru 1)

The secret agenda from this week's GM meetings

While Burke's new acquisition was only 10 inches
tall and completely immobile, the critics had to
agree that he did upgrade the goaltending.

The NHL held its annual general managers meeting this week, as 30 of the most powerful men in the league gathered in Toronto for a discussion of various league issues.

But what exactly were they talking about? As always, the meeting was closed to the media. And while some GMs did offer brief comments to reporters about what was discussed, league policy is that the official agenda is never released to the public.

Until now, that is. DGB spies were in attendance, and they were able to pass on a copy of the full day's schedule:

9:00 a.m. - Opening remarks from Gary Bettman: "Well, at least we're not the NBA!"

9:30 a.m. - Opening remarks from Donald Fehr: "… for one more year."

10:00 a.m. - Buffalo GM Darcy Regier presents an argument in favour of stricter penalties for hits against goaltenders such as the recent one by Milan Lucic against Ryan Miller, including an ominous threat that the Sabres may now be forced to seek retribution during their next game against Boston.

10:02 a.m. - Everyone in the room tries really hard to keep a straight face at the idea that the Sabres have anyone on the roster who's going to scare the Bruins.

10:03 a.m. - Everyone fails.

Read the rest of this post...

Inside Gary Bettman's Super Bowl party

Of course, Bettman immediately launched
an intricate conspiracy against the wings.

The NHL took a rare night off on Sunday. And as regular readers know, a night off usually means one thing: One of Gary Bettman's famous parties, where players and personalities from around the league gather to enjoy each other's company.

Scene: Gary Bettman's living room. Bettman is wearing a Penguins jersey with "Steelers" written on it in magic marker. Co-host Donald Fehr is wearing a cheesehead.

In the living room, a crowd has gathered around a large board that contains a traditional Super Bowl squares pool. One guest is finishing a lengthy dissertation.

Ted Leonsis: And that, my friends, is how to win a Super Bowl squares pool. It's the perfect strategy, and you should all thank me for sharing my genius with you.

Bettman: That's great, Ted. So are you going to buy a $2 square or what?

Leonsis: Uh, I'm a little short. Any chance somebody can chip in some of that?

Richard Peddie sighs, and hands over some change.

Leonsis (under his breath): Genius…

Bettman: OK, looks like the board is almost all filled. Has everyone had a chance to pick their square?

Fehr: Yeah, every single person at the party. Well, everyone except…

Everyone turns to stare at one guest.

Phil Kessel: Sigh.

Alexander Ovechkin runs over and snaps a photo.

Bettman: Leave him alone, Alex. OK, the big game is almost ready to start. Does everyone have a place to sit?

Cory Clouston climbs into his booster seat. John Ferguson Jr. sits down on the floor, facing the wrong way. Detroit Red Wings GM Ken Holland points out a comfortable chair in the corner.

Holland: I've thought about it, done my homework, weighed the pros and cons, and I've decided I'm going to sit right…

Garth Snow nonchalantly walks over and sits in Holland's spot.

Holland: Hey! Stop doing that!

Bettman: Tough break Ken. But there's still a bunch of empty chairs all around Phil.

Kessel: I hate you all so much.

The party is suddenly interrupted by the floor rumbling, followed by crashing sounds from outside.

Fehr (peering out window): Uh, Gary, there are 30 guys in tights running around outside, shooting lasers out of their eyes and smashing things.

Bettman: Thirty guys?

Fehr: Well, 29. Plus an angry tree. Who also seems to be wearing tights.

Bettman: Oh no. It's the heroes from our NHL Guardian project. Ever since we told Stan Lee that the entire idea was a terrible mistake, he's been threatening to unleash them against us.

Fehr: So wait, you're saying we're under attack from 30 angry heroes with super powers? What can we do?

Bettman: Brent?

Brent Johnson: I'll take care of it. Somebody hold my beer.

Johnson casually shakes off his glove and blocker and walks out the front the door. Three seconds later, he walks back in.

Johnson: They're all unconscious.

Bettman: Thanks Brent.

Johnson: Sorry it took so long. Hey, what happened to my beer?

Holland: Garth Snow probably took it.

Fehr: Uh oh. Gary, I thought we specifically said we weren't going to invite…

A figure emerges from the kitchen wearing an apron and oven mitts and carrying a tray.

Chris Pronger (cheery sing-song voice): Who wants some of my world-famous Super Bowl guacamole dip?

Everyone: NO!

Pronger: What? Why not?

Bettman: Well, for starters it's probably made out of ground up kitten hearts.

Pronger: Oh come on. Just because I occasionally play on the edge doesn't mean I can't be a well-rounded person off the ice. And it just so happens that I worked all afternoon on this special recipe because I thought that if I made you guys something nice then maybe, just this once, you'd start treating me like a friend instead of some kind of monster. I guess I was wrong.

Bettman: Wow. Sorry Chris.

Pronger: Sniffle.

Everyone digs in.

Bettman (mouth full): Wow, this is really good. (Chewing.) And where did you get the serving bowl that looks like a hollowed out human skull?

Pronger: "Looks like"?

Everyone spits out their food and begins retching.

Pronger: Boo-yah!

Bettman: Brent, you want to take care of this?

Johnson: I'm invincible, not crazy. I'm out of here.

Ovechkin: Me too.

Holland: Me too.

Garth Snow nonchalantly gets in Holland's car and drives away.

Holland: Oh come on!

Leonsis (disappearing out the door): This whole thing would have been so much better if I was in charge. Hey, can anyone spot me some cab fare?

Ferguson, Clouston and Peddie file out. Bettman and Fehr are left standing in the doorway.

Bettman: Wow. This place cleared out quick. I guess this is just another Bettman party disaster.

Fehr (placing an arm around Bettman): Yeah. But don't worry about it buddy. There's still time to make it to the party at Selig's house. I'll drive.

Bettman surveys the room, shakes his head, and turns for the door. He flicks off the light as he leaves.

Twenty minutes later, a lone figure still sitting in the otherwise empty room finally speaks.

Kessel: So do I get another car for this, or what?

Waiver Wire: Evgeni Nabokov meets with Gary Bettman

You may have heard that Evgeni Nabokov isn't very happy. He recently went from signing a contract with the contending Detroit Red Wings to being claimed on waivers by the last place Islanders. So far he's refused to support, but he may be running out of options if he wants to continue his career next season.

So what's a goalie to do? If you're Nabokov, you arrange for a top secret hearing with commissioner Gary Bettman to plead his case. Luckily for us, DGB hidden cameras were there to record the conversation. I have to honest... I feel like it probably could have gone better for Evgeni.

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The lyrics:

(Gary Bettman)
Take this guy! Take that guy!
Take that name! Make that claim!
The wire came down, gloves came off!
(Waiver Wire!)
[bleep] you, Nabakov!
Fool what you want? A forward or D?
Fool what you want? One goalie or three?
You sad? (Snap'em up)
Too bad! (Grab 'em up)
Should have stayed out of the KHL (Go to hell!)

(Garth Snow)
Garth Snow, GM of the Isles
And you won't be playing again for a while
Backing up Rick DiPietro
Always in rebuild mode
(Nabakov: "But I'd much rather play for a contender...")
So?
You think I don't know that? (Charles Wang: BLAW!)
Nabby hold that! (BLAW!) Nabby hold that! (BLAW!) Nabby hold that!
From the Isle comrade, you know the pace
We're 900 and 99 points short of eighth place

(Bettman)
Waiver Wire! Claim that fool!
Waiver Wire! Go take that fool!
It's the perfect timin’, to do some blind-sidin'
Go and grab your new fourth-liner! Huh!
Waiver Wire! Claim that fool!
Waiver Wire! Go take that fool!
Get him (get him) get him! Sit him (sit him) Sit him!
Grab him! (Nab him!) Grab him! (Nab him!)

(Kyle Wellwood)
The Sharks you know, they really friendly
Mention seafood, make me hungry
You doing what you should, a team's picking you up for good
But you're gonna need a crane if you're picking up Wellwood
Waiver Wire! Harpoon that whale!
You're gonna be sorry when I break that scale!
When you're picking a club, bring your damn lunch money
Cause those fools with the blogs and fat jokes ain't funny.

(Marek Svatos)
I tried to sign with the Blues, (Marek what you sayin?)
Then my agent calls me up and tells me I ain't playing
It's Predator time, Nashville time
(Waiver wire) It's yellow uniform time
I heard the Blues music but this player ain't dancing
They caught a Predator like they was Chris Hansen
Treating me like I'm some for-hire desperado
Doesn't matter to me as long as it's not Colorado

(Bettman)
Waiver Wire! Claim that fool!
Waiver Wire! Go take that fool!
It's the perfect timin’, to do some blind-sidin'
Go and grab your new fourth-liner! Huh!
Waiver Wire! Claim that fool!
Waiver Wire! Go take that fool!
Get him (get him) get him! Sit him (sit him) Sit him!
Grab him! (Nab him!) Grab him! (Nab him!)

Ten new events to save the all-star skills competition

When it was Phaneuf's turn, the
targets were hung in the rafters.

While the NHL All-Star weekend has its share of critics, you have to give the league credit for being willing to shake things up. With a brand new fantasy team format highlighted by tonight's schoolyard draft, the league is at least trying to improve on an admittedly stale format.

But have they gone far enough? After all, while the draft may be unique that same creativity hasn't extended to the rest of the weekend. The game itself will be standard all-star fare, and even the skills competition will rely largely on old standbys like accuracy shooting and fastest skater races.

It doesn't have to be that way. The league has an opportunity to really embrace change, and they should take advantage by introducing brand new events to Saturday's skills competition that would really connect with the modern NHL audience.

It's not too late. Here are ten suggestions for new events that the league should move quickly to implement in time for tomorrow night's competition.

Respect The Game - As all the others players enthusiastically hoot, holler and high five each other in reaction to the various events, P.K. Subban curls up in the fetal position and tries desperately to avoid cracking a facial expression. Special celebrity judge: Mike Richards.

Fashion Cents - Fans from around the league will attempt to sprint to the gift shop, find their favourite team's jersey, spend their entire paycheque on it, and then actually put it on and wear it for a few seconds before the team announces that it's replacing it with yet another new design.

Lame Duck - Cory Clouston delivers a fiery motivational speech to members of the Ottawa Senators, who compete to see who can go the longest without rolling their eyes and tuning him out completely. (Note to organizers: this event will require a timer that can measure thousandths of a second.)

Staged Outrage - Two enforcers drop the gloves at center ice immediately after a faceoff, at which point every member of the assembled media scrambles to make the exact same overwrought "staged fights must go" argument. Bonus points will be awarded for volume, repetitiveness, and having your entire column filed before all four gloves have even touched the ice.

What Time Is It, Mr. Snow? - Various KHL stars attempt to sneak up and sign the NHL contract lying at center ice, until Garth Snow appears and they all scatter like rats.

Explaining the Unexplainable - Players try to determine why there should be a minor penalty for delaying the game by shooting the puck into the stands, but not for delaying the game by shooting the puck all the way down the rink for icing even though that takes longer. Anyone player who succeeds will move on to a bonus round called "And what's that trapezoid thing behind the net supposed to accomplish, anyway?"

I'm An Insider, Really! -- A selection of anonymous bloggers are given 30 seconds to randomly point to as many players as possible and claim that they're all being traded for each other according to top secret sources. In the second half of the event, exactly none of those trades happen.

Tie Game In The Third Period - Based on an exciting feature of regular season NHL games, two teams of five will work together to turn a close contest into a three-point game by ensuring that they make it to overtime without a goal being scored. Any player who crosses the opponent's blue line with control of the puck will immediately be benched and replaced with someone who'll dump it in and stay in the neutral zone.

Hey, Why Am I Bleeding? - Various finesse players who have never been in an fight before compete to see who can land the most gloved punches on Tim Gleason before having it occur to them that that's probably a really bad idea.

Head Shot Roulette - A randomly selected player is handed the full text of the NHL's rule 48.1 and is given 30 seconds to attempt to figure out which head shots are actually legal and which are not. As he's thinking, another player sneaks up behind him and hits him over the head with a shovel, at which point everyone laughs and uploads the clip the YouTube.