The Top 20 Maple Leaf moments of the decade - Part 1

What has four eyes, no rings and one brain?

Oh, the 00's. What a terrible god-forsaken soul-crushingly awful interesting decade you were.

We had good times (cough, Quinn, cough), bad times (cough, Ferguson I hope you get run over by a cement truck in front of a daycare, cough), and cautious optimism. The decade had a little bit of everything.

Well, except for that big trophy thing. Can't remember what it's called. The Stanford something? It's probably not important.

So here's part one of a look a back at the top 20 Leaf moments of the decade. To keep it simple, we'll limit this to moments that happened on the ice. (Or, in limited cases, in the opponent's bench.)

20. Luke Schenn vs. Evgeni Malkin and Tyler Kennedy - Jan. 31, 2009

This wasn't the biggest hit of the decade, or the most entertaining fight. Not even close, really. But the moment did come to symbolize Schenn's potential, and his status as the centerpiece of the Leafs long-awaited rebuild. Finally, after years of JFJ-induced misery, there was hope. There was a future.

Of course, that was before Schenn regressed into a seventh-string press box denizen. But it was fun for a few months.

• Watch it on youtube


19. Owen Nolan wins the "flu game" - Feb. 5, 2004

This game was one of the most bizarre NHL games in recent memory, featured the Leafs greatest comeback of the decade, and marks the first of approximately 18 appearances by the Senators in this list.

The game started off as a typical Leafs/Sens regular season matchup, which is to say the Senators were on their way to an easy blowout win. Midway through the second period, Ottawa was cruising with a 4-0 lead.

Cue the comeback! Oh, and also the explosive diarrhea.

Both teams were battling a severe flu outbreak, but the Ottawa strain was apparently worse. Halfway through the game, the Sens bench began emptying as players were making between-shifts sprints to the restrooms. This marked the first time the Senators had ever soiled themselves during a game that didn't involve Tie Domi making eye contact with somebody.

By the end of regulation the Leafs had tied the game, and Nolan ended it in overtime with a long range slapshot. Afterwards, when reporters went to Nolan looking for a sympathetic quote on the Senators illness woes, he responded with an infamous quote: "boo hoo".


18. Cory Cross scores in OT to beat Ottawa - April 16, 2001

This was probably the least memorable of the (many) overtime goals the Leafs managed against the Senators, since it came in the middle of a fairly easy four-game sweep in 2001. But it was actually a critically important goal.

The Leafs had won the opening two games, shutting out the heavily favored Sens twice in Ottawa. In game three, Curtis Joseph took yet another shutout into the third period as the Leafs lead 2-0. But then a potential series turning point: the Senators scored twice, including the tying goal in the dying seconds. With the game headed to overtime, Leaf fans had to wonder if this was the beginning of an epic collapse.

It wasn't. Journeyman defensive defenceman Cory Cross drilled home a rebound to win it, and in the process became the worst player to ever score an overtime goal for the Leafs (sorry, Gary Valk).

• Watch it on youtube


17. Belak vs. Janssen - March 20, 2007

This just seems appropriate for #17, no?

Everyone remembers the circumstances leading up to this epic battle. Weeks earlier, Cam Janssen had sidelined Tomas Kaberle with an obvious cheap shot. Everyone knew that payback would be coming from Wade Belak, and everyone was right.

I'm not saying this was a long fight, but they dropped the gloves in March of 2007 and it just ended a few minutes ago.

• Watch it on youtube


16. Travis Green's OT winner against the Flyers - April 21, 2003

A lot of fans have forgotten this overtime winner, and with good reason. The 2003 playoffs were the only ones of the Quinn era that saw the Leafs make a first round exit, and most fans have saved precious space in their long-term memories for the longer runs that marked the first half of the decade.

Here's a depressing thought, though: this happened in 2003, and the Leafs haven't had an overtime playoff win since.


15. Kaberle quiets the Devils - May 5, 2001

Sometimes, hockey games seem destined follow a predictable storyline. Game five of the 2001 series between the Leafs and the Devils was one of those times.

This was the first game after Tie Domi's elbow had sidelines Scott Niedermayer, and the Devils were vowing revenge. Every hockey columnist on the continent had already agreed on the storyline: Domi's cement-headed cheapshot had robbed the Leafs of their momentum, woken up the sleeping Devils, and all but handed them the series. The Devils were officially the good guys, the Leafs were the hated villains, and game five would be a lesson in hockey karma.

Apparently, somebody forgot to tell Tomas Kaberle.

In the dying seconds of a 2-2 tie, Kaberle managed to sneak one by Martin Brodeur for the game winner. (By "sneak one by", I really mean "shot the puck into a wide open net because Brodeur had been blatantly run over in his crease seconds before", but let's not get picky.)

The Devils would still get their revenge, winning the last two games to take the series in seven. But for one night, at least, Tomas Kaberle and the Leafs gave the hockey world a nice big middle finger to go along with their blindside elbow.


14. Daniel Alfredsson's hit from behind on Darcy Tucker - May 12, 2002

OK, this one will seem like a strange pick. But stay with me.

Until the moment that Daniel Alfredsson blindsided Darcy Tucker (then scored the game-winner seconds later), you couldn't really hate the Ottawa Senators. Oh sure, the "Battle of Ontario" was well into its third playoff matchup in as many years. But it was meaningless rivalry, one that only mattered to insecure Ottawa fans who spent their time hating everything related to Toronto (when they weren't desperately trying to move there).

If you were a Leaf fan, you couldn't hate the Senators. You could feel sorry for them, maybe. You could be bored by them, probably. You could go weeks at a time without even remembering they existed, certainly. But hate them? Why?

Alfredsson provided a reason to, if not "hate" the Senators, at least be mildly annoyed by them. And that made the rest of the decade a lot more fun.

Man, what a cheap shot. I sure hope somebody gets that guy someday.


13. Mark Bell kills Daniel Alfredsson - April 3, 2008

This hit not only served up some long-overdue payback for the Tucker hit, it resulted in the only highlight of Paul Maurice's stint in Toronto: his observation that Senators reacted to the utter destruction of their captain with nothing but "some purse-swinging".

• Watch it on youtube
• OK, now go watch it again on youtube, you know you want to


12. Darcy Tucker's kamikaze bench dive - April 20, 2004

This is the moment where Darcy Tucker went from "Hey, this guy is crazy in a wacky and fun sort of way" to "Slowly inch away from him while staring at the floor and avoiding sudden movements".

• Read more about this moment


11. Sundin and Kaberle beat the Flyers in overtime - April 14, 2003

Much like Green's goal, this one hasn't really stood the test of time as being especially memorable. That said, it has to be on the list just based on the names involved. Mats Sundin executes one of his classic drives to the net, and Tomas Kaberle is in the right place at the right time. The two longest serving (and probably best) Maple Leafs of the decade combine to win a thriller.

• Watch it on youtube

Coming early next week: The top ten. Feel free to speculate in the comments, name something I completely forgot about, and make me rewrite the whole thing.

2009-2010 Season Preview: The Central Division

As we count down the final days leading up to the 2009-10 regular season, let's take a look at each of the 30 teams with the official DGB Season Preview. Today, we look at the Norris Central Division.

Chicago Blackhawks

The good: Signed Marian Hossa to a 12-year deal, which will turn out to be a great move as long as he doesn't end up suffering some sort of serious injury to like his shoulder or something.
The bad: Have not won a Stanley Cup in 48 years, the second longest active streak in the league behind the Maple Leafs' 42 years.
Biggest question mark: Hey, did anyone remember to mail Dale Tallon's severence cheque?
Fearless forecast: Dustin Byfuglien will secretly enjoy no longer being the only Hawk who can't get a cab.

St. Louis Blues

The good: Are highliy motivated to make a deep playoff run, just to keep Erik Johnson off of a golf course.
The bad: Team employs Ty Conklin, yet incompetent NHL hasn't even told them where their Winter Classic game will be held.
Biggest question mark: Keith Tkachuk? They still make that?
Fearless forecast: Brad Boyes goes into a career-destroying slump after somebody reminds him he's a Leafs draft pick.

Columbus Blue Jackets

The good: Gained experience while being crushed in the playoffs by the Red Wings, which will prove invaluable the next time they have to get crushed in the playoffs by the Red Wings.
The bad: Signed Rick Nash to an eight-year contract extension, making it marginally more difficult for the Leafs to sign him as an unrestricted free agent next summer.
Biggest question mark: Will the team fall into complacency now that they've made franchise history by going three months without changing their logo?
Fearless forecast: Despite his Calder win last year, you will continue to have no idea which Mason goalie plays for Columbus and which one is on the Blues.

Nashville Predators

The good: Offense should get a boost from Wade Belak's triennial goal.
The bad: If Chris Hanson is on the Leafs roster for their January visit to Nashville, we'll all have to endure three million variations of the same "Why don't you have a seat over there" joke.
Biggest question mark: Can Masterton trophy winner Steve Sullivan continue his inspirational story that has seen him, through sheer determination, achieve a successful career despite being forced to play pro hockey in Nashville?
Fearless forecast: Will probably be the best team in the division without a color in their name.

Detroit Red Wings

The good: The team did what all smart teams do after a tough Cup final loss: get rid of Marian Hossa.
The bad: Niklas Lidstrom suffered a "catastrophic" testicle injury, making him the only Red Wing player last year who grabbed a cup.
Biggest question mark: What other kind of testicle injury is there?
Fearless forecast: Still upset over the handshake line snub, the Wings decide to teach Sidney Crosby a lesson about class, sportsmanship and respect for the game by sending Todd Bertuzzi to break his neck.

The Top 10 Toronto Maple Leaf fights of all-time

As you may have noticed, the Maple Leafs have finally entered the Brian Burke era. Sure, he's been around since last November, but only now are we seeing a team that plays the sort of game Burke wants. And as you may have noticed, that means the occasional scrap.

So this seems like as good a time as any to take a look back on some of the great fights in the Leafs history. (As always on DGB, "Leafs history" is defined as "from the time I started watching". So we're talking the mid-80s on.)

Let's start the countdown...

10. Wendel Clark vs. Viacheslav Fetisov

So let me get this straight: this fight is going to feature a cowardly Russian who rarely fights, and Wendel Clark. And also, Clark is angry. Hm. Can't imagine how this one will turn out.

Well, look on the bright side Slava. You did better than Cam Neely.

Years later, historians would credit this fight with ending the cold war.

• Read more about this fight.

9. Darcy Tucker vs. the Ottawa Senators

When it comes to players on the team you cheer for, there are five stages of crazy:

1. Hey, I like this guy, he seems a little crazy.
   
2. Wow, this guy is completely insane, he's awesome.
   
3. You know, this whole "crazy" thing is wearing a little thin.
   
4. I'm tired of this guy, he's dangerous and unhinged and I don't enjoy cheering for him.
   
5. OH MY GOD HE JUST KAMIKAZIED THE OTHER TEAM'S BENCH, I WANT MY DAUGHTER TO MARRY HIM!

Seriously, the 2003 era Darcy Tucker probably should have been medicated.

• Read more about this fight.

8. Wendel Clark vs. Bob Brooke/Wendel Clark vs. David Mackey (tie)

Sorry, it's difficult to choose just one fight for the "Wendel Clark completely killing a Minnesota North Star" category.

Dear god, I miss the Norris division.

• Read more about these fights.

7. Mark Bell vs. the Ottawa Senators after the Alfredsson hit.

Oh wait, sorry, that was meant for my upcoming list of "10 Greatest Purse-Swingings".

Instead, let's go with:

7. Wade Belak vs. Cam Janssen

This fight was the much anticipated payback for Janssen's late hit that injured Tomas Kaberle and caused every Leaf on the ice to become intensely interested in their skates. Or, as we now refer to it, "the least truculent moment of all time".

This was also Belak's last great moment as an NHL heavyweight. He now plays for a team called the Nashville Predators, who I can only assume are in the KHL.

6. John Kordic vs. Basil McRae

By my count, Kordic and McRae fought about 700 times during Kordic's time in Toronto, and just about every one looked exactly like this.

(And yes, the entertainment value of fights like this alone should be enough to convince you that Kordic for Courtnall was a good trade. Don't pretend you didn't know I was bringing that up.)

5. Wendel Clark vs. Bob Probert

I always liked Bob Probert. He had his demons, but he seemed like an honorable guy on the ice. This fight was from the famous night when Probert returned to Canada for the first time after resolving his legal problems.

Thankfully, Probert eventually put an end to his personal cycle of self-destructive behaviour. Oh, he kept doing drugs and drinking for a few more years, but he stopped fighting Wendel.

• Read more about these fight.

4. Sylvain Lefebvre vs Rob Brown

Here's a tip: if you play for a team that wears black and red, and you wear #44, don't try to fight in Toronto. Isn't that right, Mike Peluso, Patrick Eaves, and especially Rob Brown?

Hm, that was a great clip but I can't help but feel like something was missing. Hmmm...

Much better!

3. Tie Domi vs a fat Flyers fan

Here's an actual transcript of what's going through this fan's mind. "Hey, Domi just sprayed water on me, which technically ends my month-long streak of not bathing! I think I'll bang on the glass and try to look tough when I know he can't reach me. Hm, I wonder if this glass can support 300 lbs of cheesesteak and loneliness? No, apparently it can not. Oh god, I'm going to die. Also, I just soiled myself on national television. Go Flyers!"

Side note: Before this happened, if I told you that an NHL player would have a chance to speed bag a loudmouthed fan but it would be ruined at the last second by an over-eager linesman, you would have just assumed it was Kevin Collins, wouldn't you? Yes you would have.

2. Felix Potvin vs. Ron Hextall

You really had to be a Leafs fan in the mid-90s to understand how ridiculous this fight was. Ron Hextall was the scariest goaltender the league had seen since Billy Smith. Felix Potvin was a mild-mannered kid who, as far as we know, never spoke. When Hextall made his mad dash down the ice, every single Leaf fan was convinced that Potvin was about to die.

And then...

By the way, 1:35 might be my favorite Tie Domi moments of all-time.

Side note: If you're a Leafs fan and you want to feel the urge to slam your head through a windshield, watch this version of the same fight as called by the Flyers play-by-play team who are convinced Hextall has won handily even as he's squirting blood all over the first three rows.

And that brings us to the top spot on our list.

1. Tie Domi vs. Chris Neil

This may seem like a surprising choice, but when you factor in the circumstances I think you'll have to agree that it's deserving of ...

Oh, who am I kidding ...

1. Wendel Clark vs. Marty McSorley

Regular readers will know this was coming. I love this fight so much that I've not only written about it in detail, but I've also written about everything that happened right after it.

I don't have much to add, so I'll just say that if I ever have a son I'm going to name him That-Time-Wendel-Clark-Fought-Marty-McSorley Goes Brown.

That wraps up the list. Join me next week, when I'll be presenting a new list: The Top 100 Fights of the Maple Leafs 2009-10 Pre-Season. (Note: this one may be posted late, it will take some time to narrow it down.)

Honorable Mentions

• Tie Domi vs. Magnus Arverdson
  
• Craig Berube vs. Basil McRae
  
• Ken Baumgartner vs. Cam Russell
  
• Darcy Tucker and Cam Janssen's helmet vs. Cam Janssen
  
• Todd Gill vs Joel Otto
  
• Todd Gill vs Robert Dirk
  
• Wendel Clark vs. Mark Tinordi
  
• Craig Berube vs. Gary Roberts
  
• The Toronto Maple Leafs vs. Stu Grimson's dignity
  
• Sean Burke vs. Mark LaForest
  
• Gary Leeman vs. Denis Savard
  
• Luke Schenn vs. Tyler Kennedy
  
• Tie Domi vs. Cam Russell (lifetime achievement award)
  
• Tie Domi vs. Rob Ray (lifetime achievement award)
  
• Leafs vs. Flames
  
• Wendel Clark vs. Kevin Maguire
  
• Ron Wilson vs. Howard Berger

Top 10 "Staged" Hockey Fights

NHL GMs have signaled their intention to eliminate "staged" fights -- those fights that occur right after a faceoff. I've already explained why I don't think the new rule will work. But there's another problem with the idea: most hockey fans don't seem to mind "staged" fights at all.

Instead, many (even most) fans seem to want to get rid of meaningless fight, the ones where two guys square off for no reason beyond padding their stats and justifying their ice time.

But does every so-called staged fight that happens right off a faceoff fall into that meaningless category? No. In fact, some of most memorable fights have been "staged".

Ah well. Let us not mourn our friend the faceoff fight. Instead, let's celebrate him. Or it. Whatever, let's get to the fight videos.

Here's a hastily assembled list of my top ten fights in NHL history that happened within seconds of a faceoff. Enjoy them now, since apparently the league has decided we won't be getting any more.

#10 - Belak vs. Brashear

Let's star the list with a recent bout. Journey back with me in time, all the way to... Monday.

As you can tell by the reaction in Nashville, this sort of nonsense is just killing fan interest in the southern US.

#9 - Twist vs. Odjick

A solid bout between two of the most memorable heavyweights of the early 90s.

This fight is so staged that the shocked commentators start speaking in some weird moon-man language!

#8 - Stock vs. Peat

A pair of cruiserweights make the highlight reel. This is the highest rated NHL fight on hockeyfights.com

Incidentally, this is last time Canadian hockey fans would hear the terms "PJ Stock" and "highlights" without cringing.

#7 - Avery vs. Tucker

Sure, these two guys hate each and have a long history. But I think we can all agree that it would be far better to force them to wait until somebody actually did something during a play to cause a fight, like throw a questionable hit or otherwise anger the other team. Because neither of these guys would ever do something like that.

And yes, I'm still mad that nobody signed Tucker, Avery and Jaarko Ruttu last off-season and formed the R.A.T. line.

#6 - Probert vs. Kocur

This isn't the first Probert/Kocur fight -- that happened when Probert was still with the Wings and Kocur had gone to the Rangers. But this time, Kocur is back with the Wings and Probert is on the other side.

To this day, it still doesn't feel right to see Probert in a Hawks uniform. He'll always be a Wing. In fact, let's move right on to...

#5 - Clark vs Probert

Anyone who's familiar with this blog knew I'd find a way to work Wendel Clark into the list, even though he almost never fought right off of a faceoff. This is from Probert's much-hyped return to Canada after his drug-related legal problems were resolved. It's also the most memorable fight in the Clark and Probert series.

After this game, Probert went to the Supreme Court to ask that his ban on entering Canada be reinstated.

#4 - Crosby vs McLean

OK, just kidding...

#4 - Shanahan vs. Brashear

The brash young heavyweight champion is challenged by the grizzled, respected veteran standing up for his team. Awful. You can even hear the MSG faithful screaming their disapproval.

Not sure what Ward did to deserve that cheapshot. Probably said something along the lines of "Watch out for Wade Belak in about two years".

#3 - Lemieux vs. McCarty

Fighting two seconds into a game? How contrived and meaningless! You can even see them planning it out beforehand. Obviously nothing could have happened between these guys to cause them to want to fight.

Incidentally, the pre-faceoff chatter involved a bet that the loser of the fight would have to keep playing until he was 50.

#2 - Flyers vs. Senators

This memorable series of fights started off with a Rob Ray/Donald Brashear tilt that spilled into a line brawl. That turned out to be just the start of the fun, as a series of "staged" fights followed until both benches were virtually empty.

By the way, that clip is the most-watched hockey video on youtube, and it's not close. Apparently somebody forgot to tell over 12 million viewers that hockey fans hate this stuff.

#1 - Domi vs. Probert

This is round two. In the first bout, Domi made his name by handing Probert a beating in Detroit and then skating off the ice doing the "I have the belt" gesture. The rematch was hyped for weeks, was the hottest ticket in New York, and provided one of the most memorable moments in MSG history.

In hindsight it's a good thing Probert got the decision, since if Domi had won in front of the MSG crowd he might still be celebrating today.

RIP faceoff fight. You've provided some memorable moments over the years, and you will be missed. Just try to understand when we all have to pretend to be happy to see you go -- after all, we wouldn't want the media to call us unenlightened.

Five for fighting: The five worst Leaf goons

Over the years, the Leafs have had their share of entertaining tough guys. Tiger Williams and Tie Domi are two of the all-time greats, and guys like Ken Baumgartner, John Kordic, Craig Berube and Wade Belak all had their moments.

But you can't win them all. And if you're one of the guys below, you couldn't win any of them some nights.

In honor of Andre Deveaux's debut, and the inevitable flood of goonery that's about to start as a result of Brian Burke's arrival, let's take a look back at the five least effective Leaf enforcers.

#5 - Greg Smyth

Here's what I remember about Greg Smyth: I remember the trade that brought him to Toronto in exchange for cash(!) being announced during a mid-week Leaf game on Global TV. I remember him having hockey hair and a pornstache. And I remember he had two stints with the Leafs, once in 1993 and again in 1996.

That's it. I have no recollection of him ever doing anything with the Leafs. At all.

Neither does youtube, apparently, so here's a clip of Smyth fighting Bob Probert:

#4 - Nathan Perrot

Perrot was a minor league tough guy who had enjoyed a brief stint in the NHL with Nashville before the Leafs acquired him and assigned him to the AHL. He played a half season in Tornto in 2003-4, not doing much, and made the team in 2005-6. However, Perrot's claim to fame in Toronto is his (alleged) refusal to fight Brian McGrattan. That lead to the veteran Domi feeling obligated to step up, which didn't go well for him.

Perrot never played another game for the Leafs, who shipped him to the Stars for a late-round pick a week later. Oddly enough, he was reacquired by the organization in 2007 and played a handful of games with the Marlies, but never made it back to the NHL. He's currently in Russia.

Here's Perrot doing what Leaf enforcers do best: feeding Chris Neil.

#3 - Kevin McLelland

Remember when Kevin McLelland was one of Wayne Gretzky's bodyguards in Edmonton? He was a pretty good enforcer back then. A few years later, when he wound up with the Leafs in 1991... not so much.

Here he is taking on Mike Peluso. I'm using this clip because of the bonus clip at the very start.

#2 - Ryan Hollweg

He's terrible.

When Ryan Hollweg isn't trying to cripple guys with cowardly hits from behind, he's busy viciously attacking opponents' fists with his face. Here he is doing what de does best (bleeding) against Michael Rupp of the Devils.

#1 - Kevin Maguire

Maguire made his debut with the Leafs in 1987, then went on to establish a name for himself in Buffalo. He was perhaps best known for trying to fight Steve Yzerman, which isn't a good idea when Bob Probert is on the ice. (Watch the whole clip, and compare Probert to Stu Grimson's reaction to the Clark/Marchment fight. This is the difference between a guy who wants to fight, and a guy wants to look like he wants to fight.)

Maguire wound up back in Toronto in the early 90s, where he briefly formed a tag team with McLelland that gave opposing tough guys the chance to brutally beat up two Leafs on the same night.

But he earns top spot on the list based on this:

Yes, that's Maguire fighting Wendel Clark in practice.

I mean... what would have to... how could you ever think that...

Are you fucking insane?

It's never a good idea to fight Wendel Clark, but at least guys who played for other teams had some sort of obligation to try. There was something vaguely admirable about seeing another team's enforcer challenge Clark, willing to take one for the team even though he knew he was about to die.

But when Clark is your teammate, and you still try to fight him... you, sir, are the dumbest man in the history of time. That kind of stupidity is more than enough to earn top spot on this list.

Breaking news: Leafs talking trade with Ducks

As everyone knows, the NHL held its General Managers meeting on Monday. While the focus was on rule changes and the state of the game, it was only natural that several GMs took the time to touch base with their colleagues about potential trades.

Down Goes Brown has obtained an exclusive transcript of one such negotiation. Our spies caught Leafs GM Cliff Fletcher talking trade with Ducks GM Brian Burke. Here's how the conversation went.

(Scene: A distant corner of a fancy hotel lobby. Two men in suits sit by a small table, huddled in conversation.)

Fletcher: Hi Brian. Thanks for meeting with me. I always enjoy talking about trades.

Burke: Yes. I will enjoy this discussion, which is focused solely on a potential trade between our teams. And nothing else.

Fletcher: Of course.

Burke: Absolutely.

Fletcher: So, as you may know, the Maple Leafs are looking to improve our team.

Burke: Yes. I imagine you're focused on building a core of young players while divesting yourself of veteran salaries, clearing cap room while also rebuilding a culture of winning inside the dressing room. You're looking for players with a mix of skill and toughness, preferably Canadian players who aren't afraid to get their hands dirty and can adapt to a hard-nosed, playoff style approach. Oh, and stockpiling draft picks.

(Silence.)

Burke: I know that's what I would do if I was in your shoes.

Fletcher: Oddly enough, that's exactly what we're looking to do.

Burke: Good to hear.

(Cliff's phone rings. He looks at the incoming number.)

Fletcher: Oh, look, Ron Wilson is calling me. We've been planning to interview him for our head coaching vacancy. Say Brian, do you know Ron?

Burke: Actually, yes I do. We're very close friends. He's an excellent coach, and exactly the type of guy I would hire to coach the Maple Leafs, if I were involved in that process.

(Cliff writes something down on a notepad.)

Fletcher: So back to the trade talk. We'd love to acquire some good young players, and the Ducks have several. Would you be interested in adding some veteran talent? Or are you, Brian, more interested in building for the long-term in Anaheim?

Burke: I am not currently interested in building for the long-term in Anaheim.

Fletcher: Interesting.

Burke: My current focus is short-term.

Fletcher: As in...

Burke: Ideally a few weeks, maybe a month. One year at the absolute most.

Fletcher: Hmm...

Burke: But preferably nothing beyond the draft.

Fletcher: Good to know.

(Cliff's phone rings. He looks at the incoming number.)

Fletcher: Oh look, Dave Nonis is calling me. We're considering him for an assistant GM's role. Do you know Dave?

Burke: Yes I do, Cliff. He's a great guy, and would be an asset to your organization. I would strongly recommend hiring him as assistant to your new GM, whoever that should happen to be.

(Cliff writes something down on a notepad.)

Fletcher: So anyway... we have several players available. You've taken a look at our roster. Any interest in these guys?

Burke: To be honest, I'm not a big fan of most of them. Especially McCabe and Blake. I would not be interested in having these players on my roster. If they did somehow wind up on my team, I would probably make it a priority to move them immediately, in any way I could. I also wouldn't be interested in guys like Bell or Raycroft, although I imagine they'll be sent to the minors soon.

Fletcher: I imagine they will.

Burke: On the other hand, I like Kaberle. But I'm sure he's not available. He's probably untouchable, isn't he Cliff?

Fletcher: Yes he is, Brian.

(Gary Bettman walks by, spots Burke and Fletcher talking, and scurries over.)

Bettman: Hey! What are you guys talking about?

Burke: Just two GMs engaging in some friendly trade talk, Gary.

Fletcher: Nothing more.

Burke: Why? What did you think it was?

Bettman (suspicious): I'm watching you.

Fletcher: Hey Gary, I think they're showing an old NBA game on ESPN Classic over at the bar.

Bettman: Really? Oh goodie!

(Bettman hops up and down, claps his hands and scurries away excitedly.)

Fletcher: Well Brian, I'd love to continue this conversation, but I'm afraid I'm very busy. I have to call Ron Wilson and Dave Nonis, and then work on trading McCabe and Blake while focusing on acquiring youth and draft picks. I am so busy with these tasks, I will sadly be unable to interview any pontential new GMs until immediately after the draft, at the earliest.

Burke: That sounds like an excellent plan, Cliff. Meanwhile, I need to get back to my duties of ensuring that the Anaheim Ducks are in good shape for the next several weeks.

(Cliff's phone rings. He looks at the incoming number.)

Fletcher: Oh look, Richard Peddie is calling me.

Burke: Tell him to go fuck himself.

Fletcher: Will do. Talk to you soon, Brian.

Burke: Very, very soon.

Are the Leafs the softest team in the NHL?

I've been thinking about this topic for a few days, but after watching Ponikarovsky get pummeled tonight while his teammates stood around pretending not to notice, I think it's now a legitimate question: are the Leafs the softest team in the entire NHL right now?

A quick check over a hockeyfights.com shows that the Leafs have had only 21 fighting majors this year, ranking 28th out of 30 teams.

It gets worse. That pathetic number is actually grossly inflated as far as the current lineup goes, since the players responsible for most of those fights are no longer with the team. Between the trades of Belak (six) and Gill (two), the injury to Bell (four) and the demotions of Battaglia and Ondrus (one each), the current Leafs lineup has only managed seven fighting majors on the year.

I'll pause here so you can read that last sentence again.

It gets worse. Those seven fights have come from Darcy Tucker, Kris Newbury, Matt Stajan and Bryan McCabe. So the only players in the lineup tonight to have dropped their gloves all year are two guys who are 5'10 on their tippy toes, one guy who had never fought before in his life, and a guy who can't remember which net to shoot at in overtime.

Of course, fighting isn't the only measure of team toughness (although it's a pretty good one, right Ducks fans?). But in the case of the Leafs, I don't think the fighting totals are some sort of aberration or fluke. This is just an easy team to play against these days, almost ridiculously easy to push around and completely incapable of even the slightest intimidation.

This isn't a new development -- remember last year's pathetic display in New Jersey, as the entire team watched their best player get scraped off the ice after a dirty hit from a no-talent thug and did exactly nothing about it? This team was soft at the start of the year, and the recent moves have only made the situation worse.

It wasn't always this way. Ever since the excellent Kordic for Courtnall deal, the Leafs have ranged from adequately tough to downright nasty for almost two decades, culminating in the 2002-4 era squad that would occasionally jump into opponent's benches or try to kick guys in the head during fights. Or, as we call it in Toronto, "the glory years".

Am I overstating the case? I don't think so, but I wanted to be fair about it. So let's take a look at the current squad, player by player. And there's only one fair way to do that -- with a completely arbitrary Toughness Scale™ that I just invented right now.

Level 1 - That guy looked at me funny, I better shut it down for the rest of the game just in case.

Tomas Kaberle - Probably the only Leaf on Level 1 who has the talent to justify it.

Johnny Pohl - Not likely to stick with the team after this year, but based on his name he could have a promising career in porn.

Anton Stralman - The rookie may still be finding his comfort zone, but so far he hasn’t shown much in this department.

Jiri Tlusty - Certainly has potential, but so far has been disappointingly soft. Was that a naked photo joke? You be the judge.

Kyle Wellwood - I’m flattering him with this ranking.

Ian White - That’s three of our six defencemen at level one, for those keeping track. I can’t imagine why this team doesn’t play well in its own zone.

Level 2 - All things considered I’d really rather stay here on the perimeter, thanks

Jason Blake - Wasn’t he supposed to be an “agitator”? Was that supposed to refer to the other team, or just Leaf fans?

Boyd Devereaux - Pro: He’s on the checking line. Con: May have the wimpiest name in Leaf history.

Dominic Moore - I haven’t seen much of him, to be honest. But he plays on the checking line, so he must have some sandpaper. Also gets extra room because players are afraid that if they hit him, he’ll get the family lawyer to sue them for millions.

Matt Stajan - This may be stretching it. But at least he was the one Leaf who looked mad during the 8-0 Panther game, so that’s something.

Alexander Steen - Much like his offensive contributions, the gritty side of his game shows up about once every two weeks and then goes back into hibernation. Still, anyone who can stagger Chara with a hit gets to stay clear of level one.

Jeremy Williams - To be honest, I couldn’t tell you how tough he is because Maurice only gives him ice time during Wellwood’s gravy-chug breaks.

Level 3 - Not looking to start anything, but won’t run and hide

Nik Antropov - He’s big, and just a little bit crazy. Almost never fights and is disturbingly injury prone, but he gets points for being just about the only player on the entire team who seems to be aware that the NHL got rid of the “in the crease” rule.

Carlo Colaiacovo - Is one of the league’s under-rated open ice hitters. Several times a year he’ll spot someone with their head down, launch himself at them, lay them out, and then spend a month of the injured list recovering. That still gives him enough time to land six or seven hits a year, which has him vying for the team lead.

Pavel Kubina - Not a fighter, but has an occasional mean streak that will serve him well in Columbus or Edmonton or whatever level of hell Fletcher can dispatch him to.

Bryan McCabe - Total NHL fights before signing $28M contract - 58. Total fights after signing $28M contract - 2. Just sayin'.

Alex Ponikarovsky - I’m probably overrating him, but he does seem to have a touch of that Danny Markov-style "could snap at any time" edge to him. Don’t forget, this guy once went toe-to-toe with Rob Ray. Yes, he lost the fight, ending the Leafs 14-year streak of victories over Rob Ray, but he still gets some points from this corner.

Mats Sundin - He doesn’t change his game one bit when the going gets tough. He’s probably a little soft for someone his size, but reasonably tough for someone of his skill level. Rumor is he’d like to fight, but his gloves stubbornly refuse to waive their no-drop clause.

Level 4 - Not afraid to go looking for trouble

Mark Bell - Prior to his injury, showed that he was definitely willing to get his nose dirty – usually with his own blood and fragments of his orbital bone. May be pound-for-pound the worst fighter in the league not named Hal Gill, but at least he looked interested when the temperature went up.

Kris Newbury - He’s ready and willing. The jury is still out on the “able” part, though. I like this kid, but let’s put it this way–you’re never going to see a game where the opponent's tough guy throws a few big hits, and the camera pans dramatically over to Kris Newbury snarling on the bench.

Darcy Tucker - He seems to have permanently buried the Sideshow Bob persona, but will still throw his weight around. Unfortunately, that ends up being about 165 lbs. Will still drop the mitts, though, even when he knows he’s taking one for the team. At least a 20% chance he snaps this year, tries to fight a legitmate heavyweight and is killed, which will have interesting salary cap implications.

Level 5 - Genuinely intimidating

Um...

(Crickets chirping)

(Tumblewed blows by.)

So what do you think? Have I been too harsh? Too easy on them? Is this in fact the softest team in the entire NHL?