Ron Wilson's 15-point plan for fixing the Maple Leafs

It could be worse.
[Checks standings.]
Wait, I was wrong.

OK, so maybe October didn't go quite as well as it could have.

But that's fine, because now it's November (when it matters). And while some might point out that the Leafs have already fallen so far behind a playoff pace that the rest of the season if essentially futile, I remain optimistic. Because the Leafs still have Ron Wilson, and Ron Wilson has a plan.

How do I know? Because I've seen it. DGB spies found it in his office in a folder labeled "super top secret" and they were kind enough to send me a copy. And because I know that loyal Leaf fans could use some reassurance that everything is under control, I'm reprinting it here.

Here's Ron Wilson's 15-point plan for getting the Leafs back on track:

• Have goaltending coaches work extensively with Vesa Toskala on positioning. Specifically, how to position his ass on the end of the bench for the remainder of the season.
  
  
• Reconsider season-long policy of having the team's penalty kill strategy organized by the NHLPA executive committee.
  
  
• Keep reminding Brian Burke that coaching a team full of overmatched losers who suffer crushing defeat in every game they play will actually end up being invaluable experience once the Olympics start.
  
  
• From now on, before every game each member of the starting lineup must eat a hair from Ian White's moustache.
  
  
• Look through pockets of pants we were wearing on July 1, see if we can find the receipt for Mike Komisarek.
  
  
• Get everyone's mind off of current slump by taking entire team to see the big-budget Hollywood blockbuster "2012", which is presumably the true story of the Leafs' next decent draft pick.
  
  
• I don't know, maybe ask Luke Schenn to not suck so much this year?
  
  
• Continue to send guys like Stalberg, Bozak and Tlusty to the minors if they don't perform, sending a clear and unmistakable message that roster spots on this team must be earned (assuming you're a rookie, and not a veteran third-liner, in which case don't worry about it.)
  
  
• Practices will no longer include an intensive drill called "How to take a lazy, momentum-killing holding penalty at the worst possible time".
  
  
• Continue with brilliant scheme of winning one game in October, two in November, four in December and so on. By the time foolish opposition realizes our plan, we'll have clinched a playoff spot thanks to 64-win April.
  
  
• Send Jason Blake home from practice with suggestion that he get some well-deserved rest. Then, when he's napping, quietly move his bed into the 401 collector lane.
  
  
• Have players spend time in soundproof hyperbaric chambers to better prepare them for the atmosphere during home games at the ACC.
  
  
• New practice drill: pointing at Tomas Kaberle and yelling "Everyone be like him!"
  
  
• Make sure Phil Kessel understands that despite mounting pressure due to fan and media expectations, it's actually completely fine if he doesn't score a goal on a particular shift as long as he remembers to come back and score two on the next one.
  
  
• Work on resume.
  

Fun with Google's new "Similar Images" feature

The big news in the web marketing world this week has been Google unveiling a cool new feature: Google Similar Images. This new tool allows you to find an image that interests you, and then search for other images that are similar.

Here's an example. The image on the left is a shot of a Leafs goal that I found, and the image on the right is one that Google says is similar.

Not bad, eh? At first I assumed that Google was just relying on the image name and surrounding content, and maybe cross-referencing with some basic image attributes like orientation and maybe dominant color.

Boy, was I wrong. After all, this is Google we're talking about. They're probably the smartest people in the world. And this new image similarity search is scary good.

Don't believe me? I spent some time randomly searching for hockey teams and players. Check out some of the "similar" images Google came up with.

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If MLSE made their own beer

The comment section for my last post ended up being sidetracked by a discussion over what would happen is MLSE went into the booze business. This was frustrating for me, because the post was clearly intended to be sidetracked into a discussion of Al Bundy quotes.

Nevertheless, I have to give my readers what they want. So with a tip of the cap to Navin, Loser Domi and Jaredoflondon, here’s my view of what would happen if MLSE decided to make and market their own brand of beer.

• Richard Peddie would hire a brewmaster who had no experience making beer
  
  
• Every bottle produced would have to be taste-tested by each director at the next regularly scheduled board meeting and approved with a majority vote
  
  
• Each case would come with one outstanding Swedish premium brew... but for some reason the beers on the left and right of it would always be terrible.
  
  
• Every year, the beer would be ice cold from October through February, warm up unexpectedly in March, go completely flat in early April and be discontinued by spring
  
  
• The McCabe Lager would come with its own can opener
  
  
• The Tlusty Pale Ale would be refreshing, but the front label keeps slipping off
  
  
• The Colaiacovo Pilsner bottle would shatter as soon as you took it out of the case
  
  
• When you tried to take the empties back for your deposit, you’d find out that half the bottles came with a no-returns clause
  
  
• You’d always have to drink straight from the bottle, since nobody involved in making it would have the slightest idea how to lift a cup
  
  
• You'd spend all your time thinking "This sucks, but at least I don't have to drink that swill they make up in Ottawa".
  

So now what?

Now that the pulse has stopped and we're two Flyer mudhole-stompings away from the official funeral, it's time to start thinking of the future.

No, not the long-term future. Thanks to Mats "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that" Sundin, we don't have one worth thinking about. Let's focus on the short-term. What should the Maple Leafs do over the next 12 games before they pack up their gear and head out for yet another early vacation?

I think it has to be a three-point plan. Here's what you do, and why you do it.

1. Play the kids.
I'd call this a no-brainer but that would be interpreted as a shot at Paul Maurice. So let's just say that conventional hockey wisdom is with me on this one.

The days of young players getting three or four minutes of icetime a night needs to end, right now. That doesn't mean you bench every veteran and let the kids run the show. But it does mean that you start grooming the youth for the roles they're expected to play next year and beyond.

That means that it's time to find out if Tlusty can play on a powerplay unit, whether Stralman can handle 22 minutes a game, and whether guys like Earl and Newbury can keep the energy level up for more than a shift or two per period.

Why?
Because it's time to figure out whay you've got in these kids. There may be some decent talent here, but I don't think any of the young players in Toronto are sure things. Some will turn into solid NHLers. Some won't. The sooner you start to sort them out, the better.

Whoever replaces Cliff Fletcher is going to want to know what these guys can do at the NHL level. Would you want to explain to Brian Burke -- er, I mean the mysterious future GM -- that you don't know who can do what because you were too busy boosting Jason Blake's powerplay time?

2. Play Raycroft
Not every game, and not even most games. But get Raycroft in there for at least three or four games the rest of the way. As a rule of thumb, start Toskala in games that have a critical impact on the other side's playoff chances, and split up the rest.

Why?
Ideally Raycroft will play well enough to increase his trade value from "zero" to "marginally above zero". Even if he doesn't, Toskala's groin could probably use some rest. And a third reason that not many people have talked about: Raycroft has earned it.

Yes, his play has been awful and I'll be the first in line to dance on his metaphorical grave when he's gone in the offseason, but say this for him: he's handled this situation with class from day one. As a hockey fan in Ottawa, I know that a backup goalie with a sour attitude can destroy the best of teams from the inside out.

Raycroft doesn't deserve any cheers for his play this year. But his willingness to take the high road entitles him to at least a round of polite applause, and a handful of chances to showcase whatever NHL skills he may have for his next employer.

3. Don't tank
You read that right.

Once you've taken care of the first two points, you continue to do everything else in your power to win. Expect the players to play hard when they're on the ice. Pull the goalie when you're down late. Fight right up until the final whistle.

Why?
Not because you owe it to the fans who "pay good money" to see you -- after all, most of the church-mice at the ACC have expensed their tickets long ago.

But playing hard sends the right message to the young players. This team has accepted losing with a shrug for too long. That's going to change next year, if Fletcher can be believed, so you might as well start ramping up the intensity now.

And besides, playing hard is just the right thing to do. Karma counts for something.

Sundin's move sends a strong message to the kids... unfortunately.

Those who are trying to spin Sundin's decision as a Good Thing have thrown various ideas against the wall. One of them is that Mats is sending a powerful message to the team's young players about loyalty and leadership. On the surface this makes some sense, but I wasn't sure.

Luckily, with the Leafs currently holed up in an Ottawa hotel before tonight's game, I was able to sneak over and infiltrate their team lunch and listen in to a conversation between Mats and the young players.

Here's the undedited transcript. I think it sheds a lot of light on the direction the team will be heading.

Scene: A private booth in the lobby restaurant of the Brookstreet Hotel, Kanata, Ontario.

Steen: Uncle Mats, the newspapers say you turned down a chance to go to another team for a "playoff run". What are the "playoffs"?

Sundin: Gather 'round, children. I have magnificent tales to tell.

Stralman: Are the playoffs very different from the regular season?

Sundin: Yes, they are. For example, you play the same team over and over again. For like two weeks. It's actually kind of like we do once a year with the Bruins, but for two straight months.

Tlusty: Is it true that the games are all... how you say in english... "important"?

Sundin: Please put your pants on Jiri.

Tlusty: Oops.

Sundin: But yes, the games are very important. Remember that one game we played at the end of last year against the Habs, where it actually mattered whether we won or not, and we all agreed to at least kind of try?

Steen: Vaguely.

Sundin: Well, in the playoffs, every game is like that.

Wellwood: mrphl mrblm frfllf

Sundin: I can't understand you Kyle. Finish the donut and try again.

Wellwood: Forry. (Gulp.) Is it true that there are no shootouts in the playoffs?

Sundin: Indeed. In the playoffs, if you want to skate in slowly and indecisively and then miss the net, you have to do it five-on-five.

Everyone: Wow...

Sundin: And here's the most amazing thing. You know how we go on losing streaks all the time, and nobody does a thing, and nothing ever changes?

Everyone: (Nods)

Sundin: Well, in the playoffs, if you lose four games out of seven, they make you go home.

Everyone: (Gasps)

Sundin: They make you clean out your locker. You're not allowed to play any more.

Steen: Oooh, I don't like the sound of that.

Wellwood: Sounds scary.

Stajan: I just peed a little.

Sundin: Oh, don't worry boys. You play for the Maple Leafs. You won't have to worry about those scary "playoffs" for a very long time. So my advice would be to just negotiate a big contract, don't forget your no-trade clause, and settle in for the long haul. Winning's over-rated. Staying all snug and warm in your personal comfort zone is the important thing.

Everyone: Thanks Uncle Mats! Now we know what it means to be a Maple Leaf!