Podcast: Break up the Capitals

In this week's episode of Biscuits, the Vice Sports hockey podcast:
- Dave and I react to a pair of game sevens
- We argue over whether the Caps should just blow it all up
- One surprising name it might make sense for Washington to trade
- Conference finals predictions
- The whole Sidney Crosby concussion fiasco
- The Stars finally get their goalie
- The Chris Neil narrative is so dumb
- Reader questions, and lots more

>> Stream it now on Vice Sports

>> Or, subscribe on iTunes.

What do the Washington Capitals do now?

Heading into last night, it felt like something might have finally changed for the Washington Capitals. After three decades of increasingly devastating playoff debacles, this time felt like it might be different. After falling behind 3–1 in their series with the Penguins, they’d fought back to force a seventh game. You could feel the narrative rewriting itself — the notorious choke artists were finally going to flip the script on their arch-rival, the sort of dramatic turnaround that sends a franchise on the way to its first championship.

And then it all happened again.

Last night’s 2–0 loss didn’t just end the Capitals’ season. It was the worst-case scenario — one that saw yet another promising Washington season end with a whimper. It wasn’t their best game. It wasn’t even close. And they know it.

Lots of anger in #Caps room, they said they didn't leave it all in the ice, the effort wasn't there. Last year was sadness, this yr anger.

— Jill Sorenson (@JillCSN) May 11, 2017

And now they’re left wondering what’s next. How do you fix this? Can you fix this?

This the part where I’m supposed to lay out what the Capitals’ ideal off-season plan should be. But here’s the thing: I’m not sure there is one. There are several different routes the Caps could go here, and each one has some serious flaws.

Option #1: Blow it all up

The approach: Sometimes when you're holding a losing hand, the smart thing to do is to keep playing until your luck turns around. And sometimes, the right move is to fold your cards, walk away from the table and cut your losses.

The Alex Ovechkin-era Capitals have been trying to win a Cup for a dozen years now, and the core of this year's edition has been together for the last five. That's a long time in the salary-cap world. The list of NHL teams that have been contenders that long without ever getting close, only to finally break through years down the line, is an awfully short one. It might even be empty.

Something's rotten in the foundation. Bulldoze the whole thing and rebuild.

The problem: Let's start with the obvious: This is a really good team. They've put up 238 points over the last two seasons, which is ridiculous in the NHL's age of parity.

So why haven't they won a championship? Well, as unsatisfying as the answer might be, maybe they're just unlucky. The league's playoff format means they have to get past a tough Penguins team to escape the second round, and they've come within a bounce or two of doing it. An 82-game season should tell us a lot more than a seven-game series, and in the Capitals' case, it's telling us that this is an excellent team. Blowing them up because they lost a Game 7 seems foolish.

But let's say you don't buy any of that, and you really think this team needs to start over. How do you do it? The team's four highest-paid players in terms of cap hit are all signed through at least 2020, and as you may have heard, trading big contracts isn't easy these days. You can let UFAs like Karl Azner or T.J. Oshie walk, but breaking up the core might be just about impossible. And if you do manage to trade some of your bigger names, you won't be getting anywhere near fair value.

Option #2: Trade Alex Ovechkin

The approach: OK, so making a bunch of trades will be tough. So instead, make one. There's no bigger move the Capitals could make, and no cleaner break from the identity they've built, than pulling the trigger on an Ovechkin deal.

It's been called "unthinkable", and yet you can bet a lot of Capitals fans are thinking it right now. Ovechkin is a great player who'll be an easy Hall of Fame pick some day. Heck, he might go down in history as the greatest goal-scorer of all-time.

But between the playoffs and the Olympics, he's come up small when his team needed him most time and again. At some point, that becomes a pattern. And with four years left on his deal, there's only one realistic way for Washington to break out of it.

Here's the full #Capitals coach Barry Trotz quote, when asked about Alex Ovechkin's performance in the series. #Game7 pic.twitter.com/I4OqnEF4FX

— Greg Wyshynski (@wyshynski) May 11, 2017

The problem: Like with the point above, we could wonder whether this sort of move wouldn't be a massive overreaction to a small-sample-size problem. In a league where goals are hard to come by, parting with a guy who produces more of them than any other player seems like a strange choice.

But again, let's ignore that and assume the Caps do decide that they want to move on from their franchise player. Who are you trading him to? Ovechkin will be 32 by opening night and carries the fourth-highest cap hit in the league. Not many teams could trade for him even if they wanted to.

Granted, we could have said similar things this time last year about someone like Shea Weber, and we know how that worked out. We've seen some big one-for-one deals in recent years, so maybe some other team that wants a big shakeup would be willing to roll the dice. But it seems extremely unlikely, and again, that's ignoring the fact that it doesn't necessarily seem like a great idea.

>> Read the full post at Sportsnet

Other letters that NHL teams have recently sent to their fans

It would be fair to say that last week was a rough one for the Ottawa Senators. In addition to Erik Karlsson’s injury, the Senators became the butt of jokes around the league when it was revealed that they’d sent a letter to their fans asking them not to offer their tickets to Maple Leaf supporters.

But while the Senators were rightfully criticized for appearing thin-skinned, it’s worth pointing out that a team sending a letter out to its fan base isn’t unusual. In fact, it happens all the time. It’s just that the rest of us don’t usually get to see a copy.

Luckily, I long ago made sure I was on the mailing list for every NHL team. Here’s a random sampling of some of the mail that hockey fans have been receiving just over the past few weeks.

For example, this one showed up as part of a package last week.

Read the rest of this post...

Is Alexander Ovechkin a coach killer?

The struggling Washington Capitals fired head coach Bruce Boudreau last week. And while Boudreau landed on his feet almost immediately in Anaheim, there are still plenty of questions about what went wrong in Washington. Most of the fingers are pointing at franchise player Alexander Ovechkin, who's numbers have dropped significantly over the past two seasons.

Is Ovechkin hurt? Has he already peaked? Or, perhaps worst of all, did he quit on his coach in an attempt to get him fired?

As it turns out, that last question came up recently at one of new coach Dale Hunter's first practices in Washington. And Bloge Salming was there with cameras rolling.

You can download an mp3 of this song at Backhand Shelf.

Full lyrics below:

Read the rest of this post...

Signs your second round is not going well

Pictured: The Flyers' best goaltending
option. Also pictured: Sergei Bobrovsky
and Brian Boucher

After a first round that many agreed was among the most entertaining ever, it's perhaps no surprise that the second round has seemed like a letdown by comparison. That's at least partly due to Stanley Cup favourites struggling badly.

The top-seeded Capitals are already out, victims of a stunning sweep at the hands of the upstart Lightning. The Flyers find themselves facing a 3-0 hole against the Bruins, and the Red Wings are in the same hole against the surging Sharks. Even the powerhouse Canucks have had their share of scary moments thanks to Nashville goalie Pekka Rinne.

While an unexpected playoff collapse may seem stunning as it happens, in hindsight we can often find subtle clues that we missed at the time. And in fact, if you know what to look for you just may be able to detect some indications of impending doom for your own favourite team.

Here are a few key signs that things aren't going well for your team in round two. Don't read any further if you want to be surprised.

• When reporters ask your head coach how he got that mysterious scar on his face, he answers "About an hour ago, when the owner came after me with a broken off tequila bottle."
  
  
• After every bad game your goalie disappears into the video room to spend hours studying tape, but you just found out the "tape" is labelled "Tips and techniques from Philadelphia Flyer goalies, 1992 to present".
  
  
• The only "upper body injury" your team has suffered recently was when the goal judge behind your net went down with carpal tunnel syndrome.
  

Read the rest of this post...

Other Mario Lemieux grievances

"My goalie could beat up your goalie.
You know, in 20 years."

Mario Lemieux is cranky. And apparently he's not too concerned about who knows it.

After watching last week's game between the Islanders and Penguins turn into a gong show, Lemieux decided to share some feedback. He released a statement ripping into the league and its leadership, calling the events "unacceptable and embarrassing" and hinting that he could leave the sport entirely if things didn't improve.

Many applauded his stance, while others were critical or even accused him of hypocrisy. But those critics may want to brace themselves, because Lemieux may have more to get off his chest in the days to come.

What else could a millionaire hockey legend possibly have to complain about? Plenty, as it turns out. Sources in Pittsburgh tell me that the Islanders game was just the latest in a long list of things that are severely ticking Mario off:

• Today's players don't seem to grasp the fundamentals, with many unable to execute even a basic "intentionally lose the puck in the defenceman's skates to distract him long enough to blow by him and score" move.
  
  
• Hasn't played a league game for over five years now, so not really sure why Esa Tikkanen is still following him around and yapping in his ear all day.
  
  
• Attempts to engage the current generation of stars in a productive discussion about player safety have proven frustrating, as guys like Marc Savard just spend the entire conversation staring quietly into the distance.
  
  
• Is generally against hockey violence in all its forms, but won't hesitate to strangle the next person who starts talking about Kaberle-to-the-Bruins rumours.
  
  
• While all the cheap shots and fighting during last week's rematch were hard to take, the Islanders really went over the line with that lengthy pre-game ceremony retiring David Volek's number.
  
  
• Sort of feels like an idiot for picking up Peter Forsberg in his fantasy league.
  
  
• While occasional encounters with diehard Penguin fans are nice, the endless gushing, autograph demands, and girlish squeals of admiration make it sort of tough to get anything done during meetings with Gary Bettman.
  
  
• All these gosh darn Stanley Cup rings make it really tough to raise hand to give Garth Snow the finger.
  
  
• The revelation that Zenon Konopka has a poster of him in his bedroom makes him question whether everything he accomplished in his career was really worth it.
  
  
• You have one little physical confrontation with referee Kerry Fraser early in your career, and you can never go out in public again without every Leaf fan you see trying to hug you.
  
  
• While he realizes that the NHL Guardian Project super heroes were meant to honour key aspects of a franchise's history, he's still not crazy about the Penguin's superpower being "mulletude".
  
  
• Whenever all the owners get together for a scrimmage, Ted Leonsis won't stop asking him if he wants some advice on improving his game.
  
  
• Ever since Sidney Crosby moved out, Saturday morning "chocolate-chip pancake and cartoons in pajamas" time just isn't the same.
  
  
• Those 1987 Canada Cup team reunions just get awkward when everyone has to pretend to know who Doug Crossman is.
  
  
• As a 45-year-old with bad hips and a history of back problems, must somehow come to grips with the fact that he could probably only score 120 or 130 points if he was still playing today.
  
  
• Despite all of his frequent and passionate requests, it turns out that if you actually sneak up behind Mike Lange after a goal and scratch his back with a hacksaw he'll scream like a child and call the police.
  
  
• Hey, you try writing a thoughtful statement about the current state of the game with Matt Cooke elbowing you in the head the entire time.
  

Inside Gary Bettman's Super Bowl party

Of course, Bettman immediately launched
an intricate conspiracy against the wings.

The NHL took a rare night off on Sunday. And as regular readers know, a night off usually means one thing: One of Gary Bettman's famous parties, where players and personalities from around the league gather to enjoy each other's company.

Scene: Gary Bettman's living room. Bettman is wearing a Penguins jersey with "Steelers" written on it in magic marker. Co-host Donald Fehr is wearing a cheesehead.

In the living room, a crowd has gathered around a large board that contains a traditional Super Bowl squares pool. One guest is finishing a lengthy dissertation.

Ted Leonsis: And that, my friends, is how to win a Super Bowl squares pool. It's the perfect strategy, and you should all thank me for sharing my genius with you.

Bettman: That's great, Ted. So are you going to buy a $2 square or what?

Leonsis: Uh, I'm a little short. Any chance somebody can chip in some of that?

Richard Peddie sighs, and hands over some change.

Leonsis (under his breath): Genius…

Bettman: OK, looks like the board is almost all filled. Has everyone had a chance to pick their square?

Fehr: Yeah, every single person at the party. Well, everyone except…

Everyone turns to stare at one guest.

Phil Kessel: Sigh.

Alexander Ovechkin runs over and snaps a photo.

Bettman: Leave him alone, Alex. OK, the big game is almost ready to start. Does everyone have a place to sit?

Cory Clouston climbs into his booster seat. John Ferguson Jr. sits down on the floor, facing the wrong way. Detroit Red Wings GM Ken Holland points out a comfortable chair in the corner.

Holland: I've thought about it, done my homework, weighed the pros and cons, and I've decided I'm going to sit right…

Garth Snow nonchalantly walks over and sits in Holland's spot.

Holland: Hey! Stop doing that!

Bettman: Tough break Ken. But there's still a bunch of empty chairs all around Phil.

Kessel: I hate you all so much.

The party is suddenly interrupted by the floor rumbling, followed by crashing sounds from outside.

Fehr (peering out window): Uh, Gary, there are 30 guys in tights running around outside, shooting lasers out of their eyes and smashing things.

Bettman: Thirty guys?

Fehr: Well, 29. Plus an angry tree. Who also seems to be wearing tights.

Bettman: Oh no. It's the heroes from our NHL Guardian project. Ever since we told Stan Lee that the entire idea was a terrible mistake, he's been threatening to unleash them against us.

Fehr: So wait, you're saying we're under attack from 30 angry heroes with super powers? What can we do?

Bettman: Brent?

Brent Johnson: I'll take care of it. Somebody hold my beer.

Johnson casually shakes off his glove and blocker and walks out the front the door. Three seconds later, he walks back in.

Johnson: They're all unconscious.

Bettman: Thanks Brent.

Johnson: Sorry it took so long. Hey, what happened to my beer?

Holland: Garth Snow probably took it.

Fehr: Uh oh. Gary, I thought we specifically said we weren't going to invite…

A figure emerges from the kitchen wearing an apron and oven mitts and carrying a tray.

Chris Pronger (cheery sing-song voice): Who wants some of my world-famous Super Bowl guacamole dip?

Everyone: NO!

Pronger: What? Why not?

Bettman: Well, for starters it's probably made out of ground up kitten hearts.

Pronger: Oh come on. Just because I occasionally play on the edge doesn't mean I can't be a well-rounded person off the ice. And it just so happens that I worked all afternoon on this special recipe because I thought that if I made you guys something nice then maybe, just this once, you'd start treating me like a friend instead of some kind of monster. I guess I was wrong.

Bettman: Wow. Sorry Chris.

Pronger: Sniffle.

Everyone digs in.

Bettman (mouth full): Wow, this is really good. (Chewing.) And where did you get the serving bowl that looks like a hollowed out human skull?

Pronger: "Looks like"?

Everyone spits out their food and begins retching.

Pronger: Boo-yah!

Bettman: Brent, you want to take care of this?

Johnson: I'm invincible, not crazy. I'm out of here.

Ovechkin: Me too.

Holland: Me too.

Garth Snow nonchalantly gets in Holland's car and drives away.

Holland: Oh come on!

Leonsis (disappearing out the door): This whole thing would have been so much better if I was in charge. Hey, can anyone spot me some cab fare?

Ferguson, Clouston and Peddie file out. Bettman and Fehr are left standing in the doorway.

Bettman: Wow. This place cleared out quick. I guess this is just another Bettman party disaster.

Fehr (placing an arm around Bettman): Yeah. But don't worry about it buddy. There's still time to make it to the party at Selig's house. I'll drive.

Bettman surveys the room, shakes his head, and turns for the door. He flicks off the light as he leaves.

Twenty minutes later, a lone figure still sitting in the otherwise empty room finally speaks.

Kessel: So do I get another car for this, or what?

What we learned from the premiere of 24/7 Penguins/Capitals:

The show was named after the cumulative
score in a typical seven game series

Wednesday night marked the debut episode of 24/7 Penguins/Capitals: Road to the NHL Winter Classic, the league's latest and perhaps most ambitious attempt to gain traction with casual sports fans south of the border.

The series, part of HBO's successful franchise of sports-based reality shows, will chronicle the Capitals and Penguins in the weeks leading up to their January 1 outdoor showdown at Heinz Field in Pittsburgh. The producers have been given unprecedented access to both teams, and the result is a stunning look inside the inner workings of two of hockey's most popular organizations.

In this week's hour long debut, fans learned plenty about each team and about the league's behind-the-scenes planning for the Winter Classic. While it's difficult to narrow down all the memorable moments we were treated to, here's a list of some of the most stunning revelations from the show so far.

• Capitals coach Bruce Boudreau is apparently a big fan of South Atlantic archipelagos, because every second thing out of his mouth is "Falkland this" and "Falkland that".
  
  
• In an attempt to boost ratings in the all-important youth demographic, the role of Chris Kunitz is being played by Robert Pattinson.
  
  
• Every episode of the series will begin with a moment of silence in memory of the victims of the Jaromir Jagr trade.
  
  
• Winter Classic organizers are being constantly harassed by phone calls from Ty Conklin asking which team he's supposed to be playing for.
  
  
• According to a recent survey, a majority of Washington Capital fans believe that their current losing streak is the absolute worst thing that's happened to the franchise since its inaugural season in 2006.
  
  
• While organizing the traditional pre-Classic alumni game, a bitter dispute over which team should get former star defenceman Sergei Gonchar was interrupted when he sheepishly explained that technically, he's actually still playing in the NHL.
  
  
• The league initially wanted to hold the Winter Classic game in Washington, but could find no evidence that FedEx Field is capable of hosting professional sporting events in January.
  
  
• Sidney Crosby travels with an entourage of three people with tasers who's only job is to immediately shock him if he starts to do or say anything interesting.
  
  
• The NHL's top secret contingency plan in case of a rain storm involves just making all the players skate around holding umbrellas.
  
  
• Washington owner Ted Leonsis is convinced that the Capitals' current losing streak is his fault for not blogging hard enough, and has tearfully vowed to blog harder than ever before.
  
  
• Gary Bettman has already met privately with the game's officials to instruct them to call a tight game, avoid any questionable calls, and make sure the game comes down to a shootout between Ovechkin and Crosby if they ever want to see their missing families again.
  
  
• ESPN has committed to devoting more coverage to the Winter Classic than they have for any other NHL game of the post-lockout era, thanks to the presence of an intern in the third deck recording video clips on his iPhone.
  
  
• So yeah, it turns out Mike Green is actually like that in real life.
  
  
• Your expensive new television's warranty doesn't cover damage sustained when you instinctively leap off the couch and roundhouse punch the screen, as you recently found out thanks to an unexpected closeup shot of Matt Cooke.
  
  
• A frustrated Boudreau has had to repeatedly remind his players that yes, they're on a reality show, and yes, the vote may very well have been unanimous, but he still doesn't have to bring anyone his damn torch.
  

Tips for dominating your fantasy hockey draft

After drafting my fifth Red Wing, I
realized my magazine was from 2002.

As the days count down to the start of the NHL's regular season, hockey fans are preparing for an annual September tradition: their fantasy hockey drafts.

A strong draft can give you an enormous advantage in your league, one that could translate into a spot in the winner's circle at the end of the season. The key is to be prepared, and to go into your draft with a focused strategy.

Here are some fantasy draft tips that will help you dominate your league this year.

• Remember that a new coach can have a big influence on a team's offensive output. So make sure to factor in the impact of Tom Renney in Edmonton, John Maclean in New Jersey, and whoever will be coaching the Rangers by mid-December.
  
  
• Instead of using traditional categories like goals and assists, suggest that your pool move to more advanced stats like Corsi and Delta SOT that do a better job of measuring a player's true value. This will give you an advantage during the draft, since your opponents will be distracted thinking about how much they'd like to punch you.
  
  
• If you're lucky enough to get the first overall pick in your draft, be sure to take Alexander Ovechkin. Because if you don't and Capitals owner Ted Leonsis finds out about it, uh oh, here come the blog posts.
  
  
• Be sure to come to your draft with a nice thick magazine. This will give you something to hit your laptop with in case your wireless connection keeps cutting out.
  
  
• Make sure to move Carey Price up your rankings if you play in a league that awards points for bitter, bitter tears.
  
  
• Every year there are a few players who greatly exceed even the most optimistic projections, and who can almost single-handedly determine the winner of a pool. You should probably try to figure out who those guys are going to be this year and then draft a whole bunch of them.
  
  
• As of this week, Vesa Toskala had yet to sign with an NHL team. Until he does, don't forget to reduce your scoring projections for every player in the league by about 25%.
  
  
• Consider using a late pick on Wade Redden if you're looking for a sleeper on the blueline who can quarterback a powerplay and put up decent point totals. You did say you're doing an AHL pool, right?
  
  
• It's always a good strategy to load up on players from teams like the Maple Leafs and Senators, who should finish the season strong since they won't have to save up their energy for the playoffs.
  
  
• Don't be "that guy" who goes to a hockey game and yells at the players to let them know they're on your fantasy team. To really get their attention, you'll need to whisper it from under their bed just as they're falling asleep.
  
  
• Don't forget, before spending a first round pick on Ilya Kovalchuk always check with Gary Bettman first to find out if it's OK.
  
  
• Be aware of your league's roster rules and the potential consequences of not following them. For example, failing to have two NHL goaltenders on your roster can result in invalid lineups, forfeited matchups, and a front office job offer from the Flyers.
  
  
• If you had Olli Jokinen on your team last year and were constantly disappointed by his lacklustre performance, for God's sakes don't go out and reacquire him for this season.
  
  
• Sure, it's always more fun to play in a pool with an "easy money" guy who puts together a terrible team that finishes dead last every year. But John Ferguson Jr. already told you that he's busy this week, so stop calling him.