Signs you're not getting drafted this weekend

We're now just days away from the NHL draft, which begins on Friday night and concludes Saturday. Most of this week's coverage will focus Taylor Hall vs Tyler Seguin for the top overall spot, as well as which players will fill out the rest of the first round.

But there's another side to the story: There are hundreds of players hoping to hear their names called this weekend, and many will come away disappointed. Watching a player who wasn't picked file out of the arena at the draft's conclusion can be one of the most heartbreaking spectacles in sports. And it doesn't have to be that way.

So since a significant portion of DGB readers are draft eligible hockey players, this seems like a good time to inject some harsh reality into the week's proceedings. If you're hoping to hear your name called this weekend, read on for some signs that you may not be picked after all. It might spoil the surprise, but it's better to know the truth now.

• Current estimated population of the earth: 6,828,300,000. Your current Central Scouting ranking: 6,828,300,001.
  
  
• At the combine, the only workout event anyone ever asked you to do was the "100 meter dash to that exit door over there".
  
  
• When a scout asks you whether you shoot right-handed or left-handed, you answer "You know, it's never come up".
  
  
• Scouts unanimously agree that you're at your best in the faceoff circle, which is odd because you're a goalie.
  
  
• Brian Burke scouted you for one game and immediately started trading away all his draft picks "just in case".
  
  
• Instead of a cool nickname like "Ace" or "Boom Boom", everyone just refers to you as "That guy over there with his helmet on backwards".
  
  
• You had a disappointing result on the Wingate test after the effort of climbing onto the stationary bike caused your lungs to explode.
  
  
• The hour-long highlight DVD your agent sent around the league consisted entirely of a slow-motion loop of the one time you remembered to take your skate guards off before your first shift.
  
  
• Lou Lamoriello promised to draft you just as soon as he wraps up the paperwork on that Brodeur-for-Semin deal.
  
  
• Scouting reports describe you as "Alexei Kovalev without the commitment to winning".
  
  
• Your entire segment on TSN's draft preview show consisted of Pierre McGuire asking NHL GMs to lean into their TV screen, then smacking the camera with a rolled up newspaper and yelling "NO!"
  
  
• During your sit-down interviews with various teams at the combine, you answered every question with a 30-second long blast on the vuvuzela.
  
  
• Despite your excellent dressing room presence and leadership skills, NHL front office executives can't seem to get past the whole "never played organized hockey before" thing.
  
  
• You're so awful that the Habs are currently trying to figure out how to trade their best player for you.

Hacked: Gary Bettman's Gmail account

Ever wondered what kind of e-mail shows up in the inbox of the commissioner of a big time sports league? You have? OK, well what about the commissioner of the NHL instead?

An inside source tipped me off that all of Gary Bettman's official league correspondence goes through his Gmail account. And let's just say Gary's every bit as good at picking secure passwords as he is choosing new markets for expansion.

Here's a screenshot I was able to grab before I was booted off their servers:

Can't see the image? Want to download it? Here's the small version, and here's a larger one that's easier to read.

If you liked this post, you might also like:

• The NHL's top secret suspension flow chart
  
• The Maple Leafs' Facebook feed
  
• Top secret transcripts
  
• Brian Burke's Twitter
  
• And don't forget to follow me on twitter and/or subscribe via RSS

The ten most popular DGB posts of 2009

2009 was the first full year of this site's existence. When the year began, this site was just a tiny niche blog that 99.9% of the hockey world had never heard of. And in just twelve short months, it's become a tiny niche blog that 99.8% of the hockey world has never heard of. I call that progress.

Along the way we introduced Chris Durno to the world, were named "Story of the Year" by Puck Daddy, brought the phrase "Dammit, Pronger" into the hockey lexicon, and were praised by Damien Cox as "prolific" and "local". Oh, and Brian Burke threatened to sue me. Good times all around.

The year featured 150 posts. Some were big hits. Some... not so much. Still, they were all fun to write.

Here's a list of the ten posts that were the most popular over the last twelve months. Have a look if you missed them the first time, want to go back and read them again, or if you're just stuck at work over the New Year and want to waste some company time.

1. The NHL's suspension flowchart - Blogging rule of thumb: When Wil Wheaton tweets about you, you've made the big time.
   
   
2. A review of NHL 10 - This one was especially fun since dozens of angry posters on video game forums didn't realize it was a joke.
   
   
3. The Maple Leafs secret facebook feed - Fun fact: a Google search for "maple leafs facebook" bring back this page as the top result, ahead of the team's real page.
   
   
4. Brian Burke mic'd at the draft - This one turned out to be especially popular with Ranger fans.
   
   
5. The archive of Brian Burke tweets - Although Eklund is now reporting that some of these may not be real.
   
   
6. Etiquette tips for the Jason Spezza wedding - This was funnier five months ago when people remembered who Jason Spezza was.
   
   
7. Dany Heatley meets with Kevin Lowe: The secret transcript - Admit it, you can picture Pat Quinn doing that, can't you?
   
   
8. Fun with Google "Similar Images" - Check out my mad Photoshop skills, yo.
   
   
9. How to fight when you don't want to fight - Despite being over 20 months old, this one is still popular.
   
   
10. An open letter to Kyle Wellwood - After Wellwood appeared to criticize the Leafs for giving up on him, I wrote him a polite and thoughtful note to address his concerns.

A sincere thanks for all your support in 2009, and here's hoping for more fun in 2010.

Win a copy of the 2009-10 Maple Leafs Annual

To make it fair, Luke Schenn has
agreed not to use a stick this year.

When Alec Brownscombe contacted me this summer to ask if I'd like to contribute to the Maple Leafs Annual magazine, I had only two questions. The first was "Am I going to get Eklund cooties just from talking to you?" And the second was "When do I start?"

For those who missed the initial announcement, the Maple Leafs Annual is preview magazine put together by Alec and the folks at Maple Street Press. And they were kind enough to ask for a little help from their friends.

The result is a magazine that features a murderer's row of Leafs bloggers, the absolute best of the best from the Barilkosphere, including:

• Pension Plan Puppets
  
• James Mirtle
  
• Cox Bloc
  
• Maple Leafs Hot Stove
  
• Eyebleaf
  
• Torontosportsmedia
  
• Bitter Leaf
  
• Heroes in Rehab
  

In addition, it also features:

• Chemmy

I received an advanced copy last week and I can tell you that this thing is really good. There's plenty of insight and analysis, the feature articles are excellent, and the whole thing looks sharp. No shoddy newsprint or cheap ads -- just 128 pages of super glossy, full-color, ad-free goodness. Alec and his team deserve a big thumbs up for this one.

The magazine is available now for pre-order. The first shipment going out this week, so get your order in now. It will also be available wherever magazines are sold in Toronto beginning in mid-September.

Win a copy of the Maple Leafs Annual
My contribution to the Annual is a piece on "The Ghosts of Truculence Past", a tribute to some forgotten Leafs from years gone by who would have made Brian Burke proud.

In the article, I make reference to someone I describe as "quite possibly the most truculent Leaf of all-time". But who? I'll send a free copy of the Annual to the first person who can guess correctly in the comments sections. (Those of you who already have an advance copy, no spoilers please.)

And no, it's not Wendel.

Update: We have a winner. Scroll through to comments to find out who.

Brian Burke mic'd at the draft: What TSN didn't show you

To much fanfare, TSN had Brian Burke mic'd for the first round of this year's draft. And despite considerable hype leading into the broadcast, most agree that Burke's clips didn't reveal much.

Or did they? It turns out Burke gave TSN plenty of good material, but for some reason they chose not to air most of it.

Luckily for you, they forgot to lock up the A/V room overnight, and DGB spies were able to obtain the full transcript of Burke's evening. Here, unedited, are ten conversations you didn't see on TSN.

---

(At the Leafs draft table.)

Dave Nonis: I saw you talking to Paul Holmgrem at the Flyers table. Did he have any interest in Kaberle?

Burke: Not yet, but give him a few minutes. I used an old psychological trick I learned in law school to plant a subliminal suggestion. The next time he hears the term "all-star defenceman", he won't be able to turn down any trade no matter how ridiculous.

Nonis: Wow.

Burke: It's foolproof. In a few minutes I'll walk back over, mention Kaberle, and he'll grab his ankles.

Nonis: Hey look, he's talking to Bob Murray.

Burke: Uh oh.

Nonis: They're shaking hands.

Burke: Son of a...

---

(Burke wanders by the Rangers draft table and runs into Glen Sather.)

Burke: Hey Glen, I need to feed the meter. Any chance you have change for a five?

Sather: Sure. How about six loonies?

Burke: That would be... wait, no.

Sather: Fine, fine. Four toonies?

Burke: No, Glen, it's a five, all I need is...

Sather: Nine loonies, five toonies, six quarters and a mint condition Franklin half-dollar. Final offer.

Burke: ...

Sather: Six years, $39 million.

Burke: Deal.

---

(Dallas draft table.)

Burke: Hey Joe, got a second?

Joe Nieuwendyk: Sure Brian, what's up?

Burke: I need a coffee. Two cream, no sugar.

Nieuwendyk: Um...

Burke: Stat.

Nieuwendyk: I'm not actually your assistant any more.

Burke: ...

Nieuwendyk: Remember, I resigned two weeks ago?

Burke: ...

Nieuwendyk: I'm the GM of the Stars now.

Burke: And an apple fritter.

Nieuwendyk: Right away sir.

---

(Burke is on his cellphone in a back hallway.)

Burke: So we've got a deal then?

Bob Gainey: Yeah. Done deal.

Burke: Great, I knew we could work this out.

Gainey: Man, the crowd is going to go nuts when I announce we've acquired Lecavlier.

Burke: Yeah. You should totally get right up there and announce it right now.

Gainey: Well, we need to do the paperwork.

Burke: Forget the paperwork. Just grab the mic from Bettman and announce it. Trust me, it will be a moment nobody ever forgets.

Gainey: Umm... hey Lawton, why does your cell phone number have a 416 area code?

Burke: Tee hee.

Gainey: Oh for... Burke, is that you?

Burke: (Hangs up, high-fives a giggling Dave Nonis.)

---

(Sharks GM Doug Wilson approaches the Leafs draft table.)

Wilson: Brian, I heard you wanted to talk to me?

Burke: Hi Doug. Any truth to the rumor that Joe Thornton is available?

Wilson: What? Who told you that?

Burke: One of your scouts mentioned it.

Wilson: Really? Did he say what the asking price was?

Burke: Yeah, he wrote it down for me, hold on. He said it would cost us... (unfolds a piece of paper) ... "a balloon".

Wilson: Oh lord.

Burke: Yeah.

Wilson: I think I know which one of our scouts you were talking to.

John Ferguson Jr.: Hi guys!

Wilson: John, what did we say about talking to the grownups?

JFJ: But I like balloons.

Burke: So have we got a deal, or...

Wilson: He's not actually authorized to speak to anybody. Ever.

Burke: Oh.

JFJ: Red ones are my favorite.

Wilson: Look, I'm really sorry about all this. He just gets really frightened and confused on draft day.

Entire Leafs draft table: We know.

---

(Back hallway. Burke is talking to Dave Shoalts of the Globe and Mail, as well as a second reporter wearing a floppy hat, backwards press pass, and lucha libre-style wrestling mask.)

Shoalts: Wait, just so I'm clear, are these real conversations? Or is this some sort of parody joke thing? I'm still having a lot of trouble with this internet stuff.

Burke: You're both idiots.

Mystery reporter: Is that an e5?

Burke: (Shakes head, storms off.)

Mystery reporter: Burkie?

---

Burke (whispering): You need to listen to me very carefully. There is a bomb hidden under you draft table. It is about to go off. You need to evacuate right away, or else you will die. Do you understand me?

Kevin Lowe: Brian, I know it's you. I have called ID on my phone.

Burke: ...

Lowe: You're not allowed to call me. It's in the restraining order. (Click.)

Burke (still whispering): Dustin Penner sucks!

---

(Burke's cell phone rings.)

Burke: Hello?

Gary Bettman: Brian, it's Gary. It's about this trade you just faxed in. The one where you get the Wild's first rounder. And Harding. And Zidlicky and Gaborik and Clutterbuck.

Burke: It's a blockbuster.

Bettman: For Jeff Finger.

Burke: Hey, their GM signed off on it.

Bettman: Yeah, about that. I can see that the trade was signed by "C Fletcher". But I just talked to Chuck, and he said he never even spoke to you.

Burke: Do you have a point?

Bettman: Could I please speak to Cliff?

Burke: You may not.

Bettman: Deal's off. (Click.)

Burke: Worth a try.

---

(Post-draft buffet spread.)

Burke: Not much left at the buffet.

Bryan Murray: Yeah, but there's still one piece of apple pie left. My favorite!

Burke: Apple pie is the one you want?

Murray: Yes.

Burke: Well, that's the one I'm going to take.

Murray: Oh for ...

Burke: (Nom nom nom.)

Murray: Stop doing that!

---

(Post-draft party.)

Burke: Look, I don't want to get all sappy here, but I just want to say I've admired you for a long time, and it was an honor to share a draft floor with you. You did a fantastic job out there. You're absolutely the best in the business.

Burke's reflection: Hey, you too. I'm a huge fan. Great work as always.

Guy banging on door: Hey buddy, hurry up in there, there are people lined up to use this bathroom!

---

(Glove tap to DGB reader Lyle for sending in the idea for this post.)

The National Post on the Brian Burke twitter account

Oh no. Another newspaper has noticed the Brian Burke twitter account. After the whole debacle with the Globe and Mail and Eklund, this can't possibly go well...

Over to you, Bruce Arthur in today's National Post:

Of all of Twitter's characteristics, necessity is not among them. In fact, the most entertaining Twitter feeds in sports tend to have nothing to do with athletes. Instead, they are satire feeds like the one lampooning espn.com columnist Rick Reilly, or the parody of Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke which includes entries like the one from Feb. 21 that read, "Just ran into Kyle Wellwood arriving at the ACC. He seemed kind of depressed. Told him to keep his chins up."

Now that's worth following. As for the rest? Bah, humbug.

Um... wait, what? Let me go back and read that again. There must be some mistake.

Where's the feigned confusion? Where's the mock outrage? Where's the implication that Leaf fans are dumb and need to have obvious jokes explained to them?

If I didn't know any better, I'd say that Arthur actually gets the joke. He seems to think it's sort of funny. Heck, he even picked an example that allows me to use my favorite tag on this post.

Sorry Bruce. You're just not going to last long in this market with that kind of attitude.

(In case you're wondering, the fake Rick Reilly account Arthur mentions was briefly shut down by twitter before being resurrected two weeks ago. That account is run by the folks from Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber, two of the most popular sports blogs on the planet. And thanks to their constant updates and high profile promotion, fake Rick Reilly has gone on to become the second most popular sports parody twitter in the entire world. Keep up the good work, guys!)

New ideas for Alex Ovechkin's next celebration

The debate over Alex Ovechkin's "too hot to handle" 50th goal celebration rages on. Harmless fun? Contrived nonsense? Great marketing? A blight on the game?

Lost in the all the debate was the fact that, as far as pre-planned celebrations go, this one was kind of lame. Pretending that a hockey stick was hot? Let's just say Terrell Owens probably isn't losing any sleep.

No, he didn't have much to work with. But even with little more than a hockey stick at his disposal, the most creative player in the league should have been able to come up with something better.

So, with the Capitals in town to face the Leafs on Tuesday, I humbly offer Alex a few suggestions. Here are some stick-based celebrations, inspired by his fellow NHL personalities, that I hope to see Ovechkin use the next time he scores a big goal.

The "Sidney Crosby" - Place stick on ice. Skate towards it. Once within a few feet, dramatically hurl self into the air even though stick never touched you. Watch with satisfaction as stick is given a double minor.

The "Jason Spezza" - File blade of stick down to an illegally small tip, then use that blade to make spectacularly creative drop passes to opposing team for game-losing goal. Giggle girlishly upon learning that coach has been fired.

The "Eklund" - Copy a celebration you saw on TSN and pass it off as your own.

The "Teemu Selanne" - Hold stick like a rifle, throw glove into the air, and pretend to shoot at it until it crashes lifelessly to the ground.

The "Wade Redden" - Hold stick like a rifle, throw New York Rangers salary cap situation for the next six years into the air, and pretend to shoot at it until it crashes lifelessly to the ground. Then pee on it.

The "Damien Cox" - Come up with two, maybe three different celebrations. Recycle them endlessly, changing only minor details, for several years. Wonder why nobody takes you seriously anymore.

The "Marian Hossa" - Swing stick wildly in the air, then place novelty fake eyeball on the end of the blade. Watch as the Ottawa Sun sports department refuses to acknowledge that your celebration ever happened.

The "Derek Boogaard" - Look at stick with confusion, trying to figure out which end is supposed to go on the ice and what exactly you're supposed to do with it.

The "John Tavares" - Pull out a newspaper and read the bottom of the NHL standings. Repeatedly smash stick into own temple.

The "Martin St. Louis" - Hold stick vertically over head. Standing on tippy-toes, unsuccessfully attempt to touch crossbar.

The "Daniel Alfredsson" - Break stick, then hilariously pretend to throw it into crowd. Once laughter has subsided, smile knowingly, wink at fans, then get crushed by Mark Bell so badly that you end up twitching on the ice, coughing up a misty cloud made from the powdery dust that was once your sternum.

The "Carey Price" - Use stick to swat large beach ball into net.

The "Mats Sundin" - Paint the logos of all thirty NHL teams in a circle on the ice. Place stick in the middle and twirl it, spin-the-bottle-style. Allow stick to continue spinning until everyone else completely loses interest.

The "Down Goes Brown" - Make the observation that Mats Sundin is indecisive. Use stick to beat this joke into the ground for months on end.

The "Gary Bettman" - Douse stick in gasoline and light match. As fire roars uncontrollably, fiddle.

The "Dion Phaneuf" - Pick up somebody else's stick after they've already finished using it.

NHL parody Twitter accounts - the full list

The fake Brian Burke twitter account first appeared in late January, intended as a one-off joke over at Pension Plan Puppets. Since then the account has been covered on Yahoo, misrepresented by the Globe and Mail, blamed by Eklund for causing the downfall of the sports blogging industry, and become one of the most popular hockey feeds in the world, before finally settling back into relative obscurity where it belongs.

But maybe most interesting of all, the account seems to have been ground zero for an internet mini-trend, as dozens of other parody accounts have appeared in recent weeks. Yes, the NHL may not have much in the way of TV presence or sports fan mindshare these days, but when it comes to the "fake twitter comedy account" online micro-niche, this league is seriously dominating.

While the fakes initially included other NHL GMs, there's now a long list of coaches, players and media personalities as well. None were associated with the original Burke account, and with only a few exceptions I have no idea who is behind any of them.

Below is a full list of all the parody accounts that I know of (feel free to let me know about any I've missed). Some are dormant, most are active, some are very funny, and others not so much.

Again, none of these are the real deal -- they're all parodies. Have a look and follow anyone who seems like they could give you a laugh.

Front Office
Brian Burke
John Ferguson Jr.
Cliff Fletcher
Bob Gainey
Ken Holland
Brett Hull
Les Jackson
Dean Lombardi
Kevin Lowe
Bryan Murray
Dave Nonis
David Poile
Jim Rutherford
Glen Sather v1
Glen Sather v2
Ray Shero
Darryl Sutter
Garth Snow
Steve Tambellini
Don Waddell

Coaches
Peter Deboer
Paul Maurice
Tom Renney
Michel Therrien
John Tortorella v1
John Tortorella v2
Ron Wilson

Players
Daniel Alfredsson
Jason Blake
Adam Foote
Dany Heatley
Shane Hnidy
Ryan Hollweg
Alexei Kovalev
Evgeni Nabokov
Andrew Peters
Justin Pogge
Chris Pronger
Petr Prucha
Wade Redden
Miroslav Satan
Luke Schenn
Alexander Semin
Jose Theodore
Jonathan Toews
Vesa Toskala
Kyle Wellwood

Media
Howard Berger
Don Cherry
Nick Kypreos
Mike Milbury
David Shoalts

Tiny Dictators
Gary Bettman

By the way, Alex Ovechkin and Patrick Elias are both real, although neither has updated since the all-star break. (Update: Looks like Elias is back at it again.)

Finally, if you're a hockey fan on twitter please consider following this blog at twitter.com/downgoesbrown.

A word about the Brian Burke twitter controversy

So, this whole Brian Burke twitter things seems to have gotten away from me over the weekend.

Here's the background: Blogger creates parody twitter feed. A handful of people have a laugh about it. A few blogs post links. A few forums start threads. Word spreads. A mainstream reporter writes a story that, predictably, misses the point entirely. Lawyers become involved.

OK, that last one hasn't happened yet. Unless you count Burke himself, who apparently had to take time out of his day to assure the Globe and Mail that the account isn't his.

A few notes:

1. Yes, it's a parody. No, the real Brian Burke does not publicly tamper with Rick Nash and the Sedins, isn't planning on shooting any players, and did not try to drown Jeremy Williams in the Atlantic Ocean. He also may be aware the Lee Stempniak is on the Leafs roster, although that one's a little less certain.
   
   
2. If you were genuinely confused about #1 at any point, then... well.. the good news is you're apparently qualified to work at a major Toronto daily.
   
   
3. No, the account hasn't been shut down... yet. The Twitter terms of service is very clear that parody accounts are permitted. Then again, I guess it will depend on who's doing the complaining, and how loudly.
   
   
4. No, I don't know who's doing the 20+ other fake NHL twitters that have shown up in the past few weeks. But feel free to check them out; many are listed here.
   
   
5. If you are the real Brian Burke and you're reading this... get back to work! You have like 19 guys to trade by next Wednesday. Stop screwing around on the internet!

I think that covers it. If you're new to Down Goes Brown because of the twitter link or the coverage around it and you'd like to see more of what I've done, check out the greatest hits section. And if you can't get enough of social media parody, don't miss the fake Maple Leafs facebook page.

If you like what you see, please stick around. If not, don't worry, I won't spam the Burke twitter feed with blog ads.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming. Coming up soon, an 8,000 word post about Felix Potvin punching Dino Ciccarelli in 1993, more waffling on Mats Sundin, and a dozen more "Kyle Wellwood is fat" jokes.

Update: In a twist to the story that makes my head hurt, Eklund has announced that he contacted Burke to confirm it wasn't him.

I'm not sure which is stranger, the idea of Eklund taking a stand against anonymous online fakers, or that even when reporting the incredibly obvious Eklund is still 12 hours behind the mainstream media.

While I'd feel genuinely bad if Burke himself actually does think I'm "scum", getting a lecture from Eklund about how I've "deeply sets back the cause" of hockey bloggers is just a little rich.

Update #2: Just got an e-mail saying "David Shoalts is now following you on Twitter!" This can not end well.

Update #3: Puck Daddy has more on my side of the story.

Eklund's Hockeybuzz Blogger contest: The winner is...

As some of you know, this blog was part of Eklund's "Next Great Blogger Contest" over at hockeybuzz. This was a very exciting opportunity for me, because normally my only chance to write for a site full of made-up nonsense is to comment on eyebeleaf's Mats Sundin posts.

The contest got off to a rough start when it became clear that Eklund wasn't actually going to link to any of the blogs. This was a strange decision, since Eklund gets a billion hits a day and could afford to send some traffic to struggling no-names. On the other hand, it was an understandable decision because it was always possible that some immature malcontent could use the links to send subtle passive-aggressive messages, and that would be an unfair to a well-respected sports journalist like Eklund.

The first few matchups seemed to go well, with decent participation from users and some strong entries from aspiring writers. Unfortunately the updates stopped without explanation, marking only the second time in history that something being driven by an Eklund came to a screeching halt¹.

As of today, the contest has been dormant for over a month and things don't look good. I don't want to say that this contest is destined to drag on forever without a satisfactory conclusion, but Eklund recently appointed Gordon Kirke to head it up.

Anyways, a top secret source tells me that the contest is done (e4)². And that's a shame. The hockey community deserves better. So in an effort to find a resolution that will please everyone, I've decided to declare a winner myself.

Here's the methodology:

• Eklund says he had over 400 entries that he had to narrow down to a field of 64. So obviously, any of the 340 or so bloggers who didn't make the initial cut are eliminated. Sorry, losers.
  
  
• Of the 32 first round matchups, only 15 were ever completed. Those 15 matchup losers are out, so we're down to 49.
  
  
• Clearly you can't win the contest without even winning a single matchup. That would be ridiculous. So everyone who's matchup never got off the ground is out too. We're down to 15.
  
  
• There's really no fair way to narrow the field down to a final two, so we'll just have to go with first-come-first-served. Our Eklund Next Great Blogger Contest Final Two will be whichever bloggers happened to win the first two matchups. That ends up being a blogger named Kelly Faith and... whoa, hey, that would be me! Funny how that worked out.
  
  
• So we're down to a final two: Kelly vs. Down Goes Brown. How to determine a winner? Out of respect for his site, I think its only fair to do this the way Eklund would want it done. So, I kidnapped his dog and threw ping pong balls at it until it chose a winner. And he chose me!
  
  (Some of you probably think this method isn't fair to Kelly. You're probably right, but from what I can tell she's a Sabres fan so she's used to getting screwed over in the finals. I'm sure she wouldn't have it any other way.)

So... congratulations to Down Goes Brown, the 2008 Eklund Next Great Blogger Contest winner!

The Down Goes Brown staff celebrate their victory.
(Not pictured: Voodoo doll wearing #13 Leafs jersey)

As part of my prize package, I will receive a homemade mix CD of folk rock classics and unlimited use of Howard Berger's fictional limo driver.

Also, I'm going to keep Eklund's dog. He whines a lot and poops whenever somebody big comes near him, so I've named him McCabe.

¹Too soon?

²For those who don't know, Eklund's rumor rating scale is as follows:

e1 - Made up
e2 - Made up
e3 - Made up
e4 - Made up
e5 - Reported on ESPN ticker half an hour ago