Monday, June 21, 2010

Signs you're not getting drafted this weekend

NHL draftWe're now just days away from the NHL draft, which begins on Friday night and concludes Saturday. Most of this week's coverage will focus Taylor Hall vs Tyler Seguin for the top overall spot, as well as which players will fill out the rest of the first round.

But there's another side to the story: There are hundreds of players hoping to hear their names called this weekend, and many will come away disappointed. Watching a player who wasn't picked file out of the arena at the draft's conclusion can be one of the most heartbreaking spectacles in sports. And it doesn't have to be that way.

So since a significant portion of DGB readers are draft eligible hockey players, this seems like a good time to inject some harsh reality into the week's proceedings. If you're hoping to hear your name called this weekend, read on for some signs that you may not be picked after all. It might spoil the surprise, but it's better to know the truth now.

  • Current estimated population of the earth: 6,828,300,000. Your current Central Scouting ranking: 6,828,300,001.

  • At the combine, the only workout event anyone ever asked you to do was the "100 meter dash to that exit door over there".

  • When a scout asks you whether you shoot right-handed or left-handed, you answer "You know, it's never come up".

  • Scouts unanimously agree that you're at your best in the faceoff circle, which is odd because you're a goalie.

  • Brian Burke scouted you for one game and immediately started trading away all his draft picks "just in case".

  • Instead of a cool nickname like "Ace" or "Boom Boom", everyone just refers to you as "That guy over there with his helmet on backwards".

  • You had a disappointing result on the Wingate test after the effort of climbing onto the stationary bike caused your lungs to explode.

  • The hour-long highlight DVD your agent sent around the league consisted entirely of a slow-motion loop of the one time you remembered to take your skate guards off before your first shift.

  • Lou Lamoriello promised to draft you just as soon as he wraps up the paperwork on that Brodeur-for-Semin deal.

  • Scouting reports describe you as "Alexei Kovalev without the commitment to winning".

  • Your entire segment on TSN's draft preview show consisted of Pierre McGuire asking NHL GMs to lean into their TV screen, then smacking the camera with a rolled up newspaper and yelling "NO!"

  • During your sit-down interviews with various teams at the combine, you answered every question with a 30-second long blast on the vuvuzela.

  • Despite your excellent dressing room presence and leadership skills, NHL front office executives can't seem to get past the whole "never played organized hockey before" thing.

  • You're so awful that the Habs are currently trying to figure out how to trade their best player for you.




23 comments:

  1. The Pierre McGuire one is gold, and the Kovalev one is great too.

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  2. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

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  3. Not your best work, DGB

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  4. I bet that Highlight DVD has "The One and Only" playing on repeat.

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  5. pretty weak, not even close to your usual standard

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  6. anonymous#1 and #3, not your best comments, pretty weak, you can do better

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  7. I liked it. I think the Negative Nancy's probably were cool up until the last one.

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  8. Not a classic, but still funny.

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  9. It's all good ... even the great ones flop once in a while

    with all thats going to happen in the next few days, I'm sure the next couple of posts will be back to the unfairly high DGB standard!

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  10. Regardless, my wife is smokin' hot.

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  11. @Anonymous ...

    I liked it.

    It's about time my immediate family showed up.

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  12. Another Good Kingston BoyJune 22, 2010 at 11:06 AM

    It was better than what I could do, but not the best I've seen. It's the off-season - you don't have to go 110% all the time. Am hoping the Burke Twitter account will go active around the Draft though.

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  13. @ Another Good Kingston Boy

    Because the Leafs have all those draft picks...right? The downside of the Kessel trade is that we likely won't have the opportunity to screw somebody over with our pick (because you just know if the Leafs kept the pick, it'd be around #10 with our luck).

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  14. Well on the positive sign, I can sign as a free agent later on, and thus command more money after four years of club hockey

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  15. not gunna lie, i was disappointed, but that last one was priceless.....or halak-less....anyway, i got a good chuckle out of it.

    LOL, vuvuzelas XD

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  16. "The hour-long highlight DVD your agent sent around the league consisted entirely of a slow-motion loop of the one time you remembered to take your skate guards off before your first shift."

    Matt Stajan?

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  17. Scott Niedermayer has announced his retirement.

    Press conference transcript for those who missed it:

    Niedermayer: "Okay, so, this has been a long day coming... and I'm really, you know, I'm really broken up about it. I've decided to retire..."

    Media gasps

    Niedermayer: "...my old shoulder pads. I've had them since I was like 15. Yeah, they fit well and all, but it's just time to move on."

    Media members let out a collective sigh

    Niedermayer: "Speaking of moving on, some of you may have heard I've decided to call it quits on my career. Well, it's true."

    Media gasps

    Niedermayer: "I've been playing NHL 2009 way too much this year. It really affected my off-season training regimen. So, no more Career Mode. I'll play something that's not as fun, like NHL 2K9."

    Media members let out a collective sigh

    Niedermayer: "But that's not all I wanted to announce. I've decided not to play hockey again..."

    Media gasps

    Niedermayer: "until the World Cup is over. This stuff is really thrilling."

    Media members groan, and begin to trickle out of the room

    Niedermayer: "I think it's also worth mentioning I gave up my stick for a suit... because I'll be at the NHL awards next week..."

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  18. ahhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu

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  19. This year is my draft year! I knew I'm not getting drafted even before I read this, being female and all...

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  20. Comedy is a tough sport.

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  21. "Instead of having a cool nickname like "Ace" or "Boom Boom" everyone refers to you as "that guy over there with his helmet on backwards"

    Rally caps!!

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  22. Did pierre mcguire actually ever do that?

    Video link please!!

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