Six realities that fans will have to get their heads around if the NHL returns

It sounds like hockey fans might get to see a conclusion to the 2019-20 season after all.

It’s no sure thing, and the plans being floated seem to change almost daily. But over the last few weeks, it feels like the consensus has shifted from doubt that won’t see any hockey until at least the fall to something more optimistic. Maybe we resume the regular season, or maybe it’s an expanded playoff tournament, or maybe we have to settle for less than that. But it increasingly sounds like the hockey world is expecting that we’ll get … something.

We’ll see. There are still countless details to work out, and it would only take a day or two of bad news from the front lines of the pandemic to render all of this moot. But for now, let’s assume that the optimists are right. Let’s imagine that the NHL is indeed coming back at some point this summer. That’s great news, right? Hockey fans should be thrilled.

Well, yeah. For the most part. But at the risk of being a downer, we may need to pump the brakes just a bit. If the NHL does return, I think there are a few things that hockey fans should start thinking about now. None of these are meant to be read as reasons why the league shouldn’t return, or why fans shouldn’t hope that it does. But if we’re going to wade into uncharted territory, there are a few things we should probably start wrapping our heads around first.

At least early on, the quality of play might not be great

Have you ever watched the first few games of the exhibition schedule in September, as everyone shakes off the rust after a few months off? No, you have not, because those games are terrible and you have better things to do.

And that’s fine because none of those games matter. In a resumed NHL, they’ll matter a lot. So what will the quality of play look like?

It’s an open question, but at least we have some evidence that it won’t be great. Remember, this is the same league that has an annual crisis over teams returning from bye weeks needing a few games to get back up to speed. That’s after a week off. Now, we’ve got players who haven’t played since early March, and who may not have had access to the workout routines they’re used to. They’re going to have a few weeks of practice and then jump right back into the regular season, or even directly into the playoffs, and it’s going to be business as usual?

It won’t be. But here’s the thing: That might not be a negative. Bad hockey is often fun hockey. Every coach’s idea of a perfectly played game involves his team winning 1-0 while all the fans fall asleep. But when everyone is making mistakes, things can get wild. And wild is fun.

Maybe in a perfect world, the NHL comes back with forgotten defensive systems, end-to-end action and a bunch of sloppy but exhilarating 6-5 finals. Most of us could get on board with that, especially if the extended layoff means everyone is healthy and the risk of new injuries isn’t any higher.

Unfortunately, there’s a related problem that looms larger …

Intensity is going to be an issue

Justin Bourne hit on this a few days ago, and he’s absolutely right. Are NHL players going to be motivated to go all out for the rest of the season? Some of them will be, sure. But not everyone, and it’s going to show.

Let’s start with the teams that have nothing to play for. We’re still being told that the NHL wants to finish the regular season, and that would mean teams like the Kings and Red Wings being pulled away from their families and communities so that they can play out the string on last-place seasons. The Senators have had multiple players test positive. Do they even want to play?

They might since the alternative could be losing a big chunk of their paychecks. But are they going to leave it all on the ice? Doubtful. It’s not hard to imagine that late-season Devils/Sabres game having all the intensity of an All-Star Game, only without the stars.

The same issue will be in play even if common sense prevails and we skip straight ahead to the playoffs. Some players will have spent their time off obsessing about the chance to get back on the ice and chase a Cup. Many others will have decades of hyper-competitive instincts kick in as soon as they step on the ice. That’s great. But others may have been dealing with difficult situations involving family and friends. Some might have been sick. Some may be struggling. Some of them just won’t want to be there.

Mix in the lack of fans to fire up the home side, and it wouldn’t shock me to see a near-total absence of the sort of big hits and bad blood that so often define the playoffs. Fighting might disappear completely. We could see highs and lows, where some games have all the intensity we’re used to and others feel like they don’t need to be happening. Sometimes it might be both in the same game.

It’s going to be weird. Be ready.

>> Read the full post at The Athletic

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The top secret transcript of Gary Bettman’s Fourth of July party

As my longtime readers know, Gary Bettman loves nothing more than hosting the entire NHL world at one of his world-famous parties. This year was no different, as all the most important names in the hockey world were invited to Bettman’s home for a backyard cookout to celebrate the Fourth of July.

Somehow, I didn’t get an invite. But luckily, my spies were able to sneak in, and they sent me a top secret transcript of the entire event.

(Scene: It’s the backyard of a large home in a trendy New York suburb. Gary Bettman is wearing a “Kiss the Chef” apron as he works the grill and welcomes guests. He’s approached by an old friend.)

Bill Daly: Gary, thanks for the invite. How this year’s party shaping up?

Bettman: We’re just getting started, but so far, so good.

Daly: Great. Got enough food?

Bettman: I think so. I’ve got a few packs of frozen burgers, a couple of steaks and sausages, and several hundred hot dogs that Mike Sullivan dropped off.

Daly: That seems like a lot.

Bettman: Apparently all the hot dog carts near the arena were having going-out-of-business sales.

Daly: I see.

Bettman: He seemed pretty happy about it.

Daly: Are all the guests here?

Bettman: Well, not all of them. Gabriel Landeskog been has been standing on the porch for half an hour, waiting for somebody to open the door for him. Jake Gardiner couldn’t make it because he’s waiting for a repairmen to show up and get his phone line working. And Paul Fenton was on his way up the driveway when he thought he saw a lizard, and now he’s trying to sign it to a contract.

Daly: Does that make sense to anybody?

Bettman: Not remotely, no.

Daly: OK, just checking.

Bettman: Anyway, time to start serving up some food. Hey Sebastian Aho, want a burger?

>> Read the full post at The Athletic

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Podcast: How to fix the HHOF

In this week's episode of Biscuits, the Vice Sports hockey podcast:
- Dave and Sean look at candidates for next year's Hall of Fame class, including some names that never seem to get any buzz but maybe should
- A simple but brilliant idea that would make HHOF inductions so much better
- The NHL doesn't think they should be in the business of marketing individual stars
- Gary Bettman can't figure out why anyone thinks there might be a lockout
- John Tortorella wants to get rid of morning skates, and he's... right?
- Are the Devils for real?
- And much more...

>> Stream it now on Vice Sports

>> Or, subscribe on iTunes.

A brief history of the NHL pretending it's going to do something about scoring

The 1992-93 NHL season is often seen as among the best ever. Mario Lemieux beat cancer and had 160 points in 60 games. Teemu Selanne obliterated the rookie scoring record with 76 goals. A new wave of Russian stars like Sergei Federov, Alexander Mogilny and Pavel Bure were dazzling fans. And the league saw 14 players hit the 50-goal mark, and 20 reach 100 points.

The season also featured 7.26 goals per game. That was well down from the high-flying 80s, which at their peak had topped the 8.00 mark, but it was the highest offensive output in four years. And, although we didn’t know it at the time, it was the highest mark we’d see for another 22 years and counting.

The following year, which happened to be the first full season under the watchful eye of a new commissioner named Gary Bettman, scoring dropped to its lowest level in two decades. While some were confident that the plunge was a temporary blip, there was general agreement that something should be done. The only question was: What? And so the debate began.

If that sounds a lot like the sort of conversation we’re having right now, well, that’s because it is. This has been kind of a thing for the NHL ever since Bettman arrived. Scoring drops, the league scratches its head, and then someone announces that they’ve come up with a solution.

The whole thing can start to feel repetitive. So I went back over the last 22 years of NHL history, and found articles from each and every season in which somebody is expressing concern about plunging scoring rates, and the league is assuring us that it has it all figured out. Just for fun, we’ll also look at what (if any) rules actually did change that year, and keep track of the overall league-wide scoring rate.

So yes, today’s NHL may feature scoring levels that are headed towards historical lows, and have been for decades. But don’t worry, everyone: the NHL is on this. They’ve got it all figured out. And they’ve got a plan to get scoring back to where it needs to be…

The season: 1993-94
The headline: Scoring is down but fights are flourishing (January 12, 1994)
The proposed changes: Among a long list of complaints and grievances, the referees are singled out for allowing too much obstruction.
What actually happened: Not much. The league made one minor change, slightly loosening the rules around goals scored with a high stick.
Money quote: “Last season at this point, each game averaged 7.30 goals. So far this year, the average is 6.06.” Don’t worry, I’m sure it won’t last.
Average goals/game: The final goals-per-game average settled in at 6.48, making 93-94 the lowest scoring season since 1973-74. Or, as we call it now: “the good old days”.

The season: 1994-95
The headline: Neutral-zone trap to champagne pop (June 26, 1995)
The proposed changes: A crackdown on obstruction “so that skilled players aren't nullified”. Also mentioned is a “more radical suggestion”: eliminating the two-line offside.
What actually happened: Neither of those changes would actually be made for a decade.
Money quote: “Claude Lemieux of the Devils, who won the Conn Smythe trophy as most valuable player in the playoffs, seemed insulted when asked about critics of the team's efficient neutral-zone trap. ‘Well, too bad,’ he said. ‘Go watch a show somewhere else.’” Which they did, according to weeping TV executives.
Average goals/game: 5.98. This was the first time the league had been below the 6-goal mark since 1970.

The season: 1995-96
The headline: League hopes anti-trap rules lead to more excitement (Sept 30, 1995)
The proposed changes: This article covers the NHL’s attempt to crackdown on obstruction, especially in the neutral zone. Nobody seems to really like it, with Mike Milbury complaining that “Hockey as we know it has ceased to exist”.
What actually happened: The crackdown resulted in a temporary boost to powerplays and overall scoring. Then the season ended with a triple overtime 1-0 game.
Money quote: “Labour troubles will be a thing of the past – and the controversial neutral zone trap may be doomed too…” Yeah, I’m going to go ahead and call that an 0-for-2.
Average goals/game: 6.28, which remains the highest mark of the last two decades and counting.

The season: 1996-97
The headline: Nice spin, but quality is answer (January 21, 1997)
The proposed changes: Bettman shrugs off plunging scoring rates by pointing to better goaltending, although director of officiation Bryan Lewis admits that referees need to do a better job of calling the rulebook.
What actually happened: No major changes.
Money quote: “In his annual state-of-the-league address during last weekend's All-Star festivities, Commissioner Gary Bettman sounded like Mr. Rogers.” Seriously, this whole article is just the legendary Helene Elliott going full B.S. detector on Bettman. By this point, the media was officially turning on the new commissioner.
Average goals/game: 5.84.

>> Read the full post on ESPN.com

The NHL draft lottery preview and power rankings

The NHL will hold its annual draft lottery tomorrow night, and it’s fair to say that this one will be the most heavily hyped since the weird Sidney Crosby lockout thing back in 2005. With Connor McDavid, the league’s next great franchise player, sitting on top of everyone’s draft list and more than a few teams having blatantly tanked some or all of their season to get him, this one random drawing will quite literally change the course of league history.

So we figured it was only appropriate to put together a draft lottery preview. One problem: That’s kind of hard to do. After all, the odds are what they are. The Sabres have a 20 percent chance of winning, and everyone else has less. Boom. Preview over.

But that would be no fun. So, in addition to looking at the actual odds, let’s see if we can’t come up with a few more ways to slice and dice the 14 eligible teams and analyze what the various winning scenarios would mean to the league and its fans.

The “Let’s Start With the Actual List” Power Rankings

We should begin at the beginning. So here are the 14 non-playoff teams that are eligible for the lottery, and their odds of seeing their number come up. Remember, only one number is drawn and only one team wins; that team moves all the way up to no. 1, meaning everyone else can only move down one slot.

1. Buffalo Sabres — 20%

2. Arizona Coyotes — 13.5%

3. Edmonton Oilers — 11.5%

4. Toronto Maple Leafs — 9.5%

5. Carolina Hurricanes — 8.5%

6. New Jersey Devils — 7.5%

7. Philadelphia Flyers — 6.5%

8. Columbus Blue Jackets — 6.0%

9. San Jose Sharks — 5.0%

10. Colorado Avalanche — 3.5%

11. Florida Panthers — 3.0%

12. Dallas Stars — 2.5%

13. Los Angeles Kings — 2.0%

14. Boston Bruins — 1.0%

The “Who Actually Deserves It?” Power Rankings

Forget about what the odds say. Who actually deserves to land the top pick? We took a crack at this question back in December, but a lot has happened since then. So let’s revisit that idea with an updated look at which teams would win this thing in a fair and just world.

5. The Buffalo Sabres — Hey, the system is designed to help the worst teams, and they were certainly the worst team.

4. Literally anyone but the Buffalo Sabres — Tanking should never be rewarded! (Please disregard the fact that half of the teams on this list eventually started tanking, too.)

3. Toronto Maple Leafs — I know, I know, it’s a homer pick. But Leafs fans have been miserable for almost five straight decades. Don’t they deserve one nice thing to happen to them before they all die?

2. Carolina Hurricanes — They were bad, but they never really tanked, and actually got better as the year went on. Maybe this wouldn’t be the most satisfying result, but it’d certainly be a fair one.

1. Columbus Blue Jackets — They’re in an underrated market that watched a decent team get shredded by injuries, then fight back to screw its own draft position with a late-season nine-game win streak. The Blue Jackets are basically the only bad team in the league that never tanked. They were a surprise no. 1 on our list five months ago, and they should be the consensus pick now.

The “What’s Best for the League?” Power Rankings

In theory, what’s good for the NHL is good for NHL fans. Things don’t normally work out that way, but it’s worth at least considering which destination would be the best from the league’s perspective.

5. Arizona Coyotes — Not only would McDavid stabilize the league’s problem-child franchise, he could also boost interest in hockey in the region just in time for the Las Vegas expansion to arrive.

4. Philadelphia Flyers — Face it: The league is more fun when the Flyers are good. Plus, the NHL would promote the hell out of McDavid vs. Crosby.

3. Buffalo Sabres — Wait, what? You’re going to stick a generational talent in this tiny market? Well, here’s the thing: Despite being terrible for two years running, Buffalo is somehow the league’s best TV market.

2. Los Angeles Kings — This is a championship-caliber team in a big market, and dynasties are good for business — even though the league often doesn’t seem to realize it.

1. Toronto Maple Leafs — People would hate it, but the math checks out. The Leafs drive more revenue than any other team, even though they’ve been a joke for a decade, but there are signs that the golden goose may finally be starting to slow down. That would be bad news for a league in which Canadian markets still drive a huge chunk of overall revenue, so hitting the fast-forward button on the Leafs’ rebuild would be awfully convenient for everyone.

>> Read the full post on Grantland

Ten years after the NHL cancelled a season: Was it worth it?

Ten years ago this week, the NHL was a league in crisis, on the verge of a self-inflicted disaster that was literally unprecedented in major pro sports history.

On February 10, 2005, with a lockout already dragging into its sixth month, the NHL and NHLPA walked away from the table, ending talks on a new collective bargaining agreement. On February 14, the league announced that the season would be canceled in two days. On February 15, the two sides traded offers, but remained far apart on a possible salary cap.

And so, on February 16, commissioner Gary Bettman made it official: The NHL would become the first major pro sports league to cancel its entire season.¹

Your feelings about that week would have had a lot to do with your feelings about the state of the NHL in 2005. Maybe you saw it as a sacrilege, the ultimate triumph of naked greed over whatever idealism was left in professional sports. Or maybe you simply viewed it as a painful but necessary moment, like a limb being amputated to save a dying patient.

But in either case, it was a miserable time to be a hockey fan, and there were legitimate concerns over what it would all mean for the long-term health of the league and the sport itself. A new CBA was eventually reached on July 13, 2005, and the league resumed play in October. That brought the onset of the salary-cap era, a host of new rules, no small amount of concern for the future, and at least some degree of hope that a suffering league could right itself.

Ten years later, some of that hope has been realized; some of it looks almost pathetically optimistic in hindsight. Here’s a look back at 10 of the key changes that emerged from the wreckage of that miserable week in 2005, and where we find ourselves a decade later.

The Salary Cap

The hope: A new salary cap was the lockout’s central issue, and the owners made it clear that they wouldn’t play another game until they got one. By implementing a cap — or “cost certainty,” as Bettman annoyingly insisted on calling it — the league promised to level the playing field. Big-market teams like the Rangers, Red Wings, and Maple Leafs would no longer be able to spend with impunity, driving up salaries while pricing out their competition. Smaller markets would be able to retain their star players, and even have a shot at competing with the big boys for marquee free agents.

The reality: By any reasonable measure, the system has worked as designed. Yes, the cap has risen more quickly than anyone expected, thanks to surging revenues (more on that in a bit), but that would fall into the category of nice problems to have. Yes, we’ve all been forced to learn what the word “escrow” means. And sure, some teams eventually found and exploited loopholes, forcing the league into the messy business of patching the rules after the fact.

But in the big picture, the cap has worked. The owners have their cost certainty, and the big markets can no longer dominate. There’s an argument to be had about whether that’s really a good thing — having your best markets do as well as possible drives more revenue for everyone — but it’s what the league said it wanted, and it got it.

Franchise Stability

The hope: When the lockout ended, Bettman addressed hockey fans and offered three key promises for the future. The first: “an era of economic stability for our franchises.”

Four franchises had relocated during the ’90s, and others had come close enough to seem like a done deal. The NHL is notoriously reluctant to open the books on its teams, and the state of any individual franchise often depends on what particular PR story is being spun — teams that were doing great yesterday are suddenly struggling for their lives when a new arena deal is on the table today. But there’s little doubt that many teams were hurting badly in 2004, including several in Canada. A salary cap and a bigger slice of revenues would give those teams a chance to stabilize.

The reality: Again, the hopes here have largely been realized. One franchise, the Atlanta Thrashers, did relocate in 2011, but that situation was likely unsalvageable under any system. Others continue to be question marks, with ongoing whispers about teams being candidates for relocation. But so far, problem teams like the Panthers and Coyotes have survived, and once-struggling Canadian teams have thrived.² We don’t live in the world of prosperity that Bettman promised, but the situation has unquestionably improved.

>> Read the full post on Grantland

2012 - The NHL year in review

After overtime was prevented by a clutch save,
furious NHL officials insisted that the next
Classic include a team that never makes any.

A new year has arrived, which means that it's time to take one last look back at the one that just passed.

Unfortunately for hockey fans, most of the action in 2012 took place over the first few months thanks to a lockout that made meaningful news hard to come by later in the year. Then again, after 12 months marked by disputes over long-term contracts, maybe it's only fitting that an NHL Year in Review column would end up being heavily front-loaded.

January 2 - The Winter Classic ends with a dramatic game-ending penalty shot save by Henrik Lundqvist that experts describe as a Hollywood-style ending, if Hollywood movie stars were better looking.

January 23 - Tim Thomas attempts to send a political message by refusing to join his teammates in a meeting with President Barack Obama, making him the year's second most famous Massachusetts-based conservative to fail to get anywhere near the White House.

January 26 - The NHL all-star draft wraps up much quicker than usual when team captain Zdeno Chara uses the first overall pick to choose "Every single one of you, does anyone have a problem with that?"

Read the rest of this post...

The NHLPA's advance scouting report on today's session with NHL owners

Hi guys… your pal Donald Fehr here. As you know, you've been selected to represent the NHLPA in today's special "players/owners" meeting. The league released the names of the key owners and league officials who'll be representing them over the weekend, which gave me time to put together this scouting report on the key stakeholders you'll be dealing with today. Have a look, and make sure you're prepared.

And remember, if at any point you get confused or lose track of our negotiating points, just look for the window washer outside who looks mysteriously like me wearing a mustache made of duct tape.

---

Mark Chipman, Winnipeg Jets

He's not allowed to take his finger off his
mouth unless Jacobs says it's OK.

Strength: Many of the negative feelings in this dispute have revolved around contract rights for top-tier players, so it will probably be super helpful to include an owner who doesn't have any.

Weakness: Occasionally annoys fellow owners by saying crazy things like "Hey, did anyone notice how moving that struggling southern team to a better market made us all way more money?"

---

Jeffrey Vinik, Tampa Bay Lightning

He has two hands and his eyes open,
so he's the new starting goalie.

Strength: He also has ownership stakes in Liverpool FC and the Boston Red Sox, so even if this meeting ends in a full-scale fist fight it will still be the most successful thing he's been a part of all year.

Weakness: Every time the negotiation teams agree on an updated set of rules regarding unrestricted free agency, he sneaks over during a break and writes "(except for Stamkos)" in tiny print at the bottom.

---

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Forbes Magazine excuses

Much like the magazine article,
this card is mostly red ink.

As if NHL fans haven't been bombarded with enough dollars and cents talk recently, Forbes magazine chose this week to release its annual summary of NHL finances. And while the figures got plenty of attention thanks to some headline-grabbing claims (like the Leafs now being worth $1 billion), they were also roundly criticized.

You might expect the notoriously secretive NHL and its teams to deny the accuracy of the Forbes numbers, especially during a lockout. But even unbiased observers were quick to point out apparent issues in the report. In fact the closer you dig into the numbers, the bigger the problems appear to be.

But why? How could such a well-respected magazine make such a mess of things? I wasn't sure, so I figured I'd go straight to the source. And it turns out that putting together an estimate of the NHL's business is tougher than it looks. According to my spies at Forbes, here's what they say went wrong:

• Although we appreciated the Phoenix Coyotes taking the time to share their in-depth business plan with us, we're still not sure whether or not "waltz into Glendale city council, give them all wedgies, and take their lunch money" counts as hockey-related revenue.
  
  
• We couldn't get a detailed answer about Winnipeg's revenue forecasts, because every time a Jets executive would start to answer a question Jeremy Jacobs would yell "Silence, peon!" and hit him over the head with a folding chair.
  
  
• While we did manage to get hold of an internal spreadsheet detailing all of the Toronto Maple Leafs future revenue projections, we couldn't figure out what all those sideways 8's mean.
  
  
• We tried to reach out to the Vancouver Canucks front office about their finances, but apparently it takes those guys six months just to make a simple decision about their net assets.

Read the rest of this post...

A hockey fan's guide to the Summer Olympics

It was a flame that cost a fortune but didn't do
anything, so the locals called it "Dennis Wideman".

It's been a slow week for hockey news, but that's probably just as well. After all, nobody is paying attention to the NHL these days. That's because the eyes of the world are focused on London, as they play host for the 2012 Summer Olympics.

There's no doubt that millions of hockey fans will be tuning in to get their offseason sports fix. If you're one of them, here's a handy guide to the various similarities and subtle differences between the NHL and the 2012 summer games.

The Olympics: If a seemingly endless stream of teams are emerging one-by-one until over 200 have made an appearance, you are watching the "Parade of Nations" at the Opening Ceremonies.
The NHL: If a seemingly endless stream of teams are emerging one-by-one until over 200 of them have made an appearance, you are listening to Shane Doan's agent list the teams his client is currently negotiating with.

The Olympics: If you see somebody peering intently at a target to see where it was hit, you know that a judge is attempting to determine the winner of one of the shooting competitions.
The NHL: If you see somebody peering intently at a target to see where it was hit, you know that Brendan Shanahan thinks this is an especially important suspension decision and wants to double-check where the dart landed.

The Olympics: South Korean archer Im Dong-Hyun has become the feel-good story of the games by setting a world record despite being legally blind.
The NHL: Nobody who was legally blind has ever set a world record, unless you count "Most times designing the latest New York Islander uniforms".

The Olympics: In an amazing display of the human capacity for synchronization, two athletes from the same team can execute an incredibly intricate dive at the exact same moment.
The NHL: In an amazing display of the human capacity for synchronization, every hockey fan reading that last sentence immediately thought "And here comes the Vancouver Canucks joke…"

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Inside Gary Bettman's playoff pool draft

"What do you mean we need extra
chairs for your 18 assistants?"

Scene: Last Wednesday, hours before the start of the first playoff games. Gary Bettman and Brendan Shanahan are in a boardroom at the NHL head office, preparing for the league's annual office playoff pool draft.

They're joined by the GMs of several teams whose teams didn't make the postseason. Deputy commissioner Bill Daly is finishing up an explanation of the pool's rules.

Daly: And finally, you need to pick at least one goaltender. Or, if they've already all been taken, Marc-Andre Fleury.

Bettman: OK, time to pick the draft order. Bill, will you do the honors?

Daly shuffles through a baseball cap full of scraps of paper and pulls one out.

Daly: And the first draft pick goes to… the Edmonton Oilers!

Everyone stares at him.

Daly: Sorry, force of habit. The first pick goes to Gary Bettman.

Bettman: Oh goody! Let's see, who should I pick. There are ever so many choices, I have no idea who I'm going to…

He looks up and realizes that everyone has already crossed Sidney Crosby off their draft sheets.

Bettman (sheepishly): I pick Crosby.

Read the rest of this post...

So you've become a hockey fan: Gary Bettman's post-Winter Classic FAQ

If you're a terrible commissioner and you
know it, karate chop an invisible midget.

After months of anticipation, the 2011 outdoor Winter Classic has come and gone. Thanks in part to HBO's behind-the-scenes 24/7 Penguins/Capitals documentary, this year's version of the NHL's showcase event was a big win for the league -- the most watched regular season game in the United States in over 30 years.

Great. So what now? How does the NHL capitalize on that success?

It won't surprise fans to learn that Gary Bettman has a plan. While I can't reveal my sources, I've come into possession of a top secret memo that Bettman recently sent to deputy commissioner Bill Daly.

***

Well Bill, the Winter Classic looks like it was an unqualified success. The ratings were fantastic, the fans had a great time, and the HBO 24/7 series was a huge hit. I think it's safe to assume that we'll be seeing a massive influx of new fans any day now.

To help our new fans understand the NHL, I took the liberty of putting together a list of frequently asked questions. Please give it a once over, and then have a copy mailed to every household in the United States. Overnight delivery. Thanks.

Commissioner Bettman, I really enjoyed the Winter Classic and 24/7, and am now considering becoming an NHL fan. However, I find the sport very confusing and I'm having trouble figuring out what's going on.
You and me both! But don't worry, it's easy enough to figure out if you sit through a few games, I'm told. And just to make it as simple as possible, I'll be glad to walk you through any questions you may have.

First things first: Are there other NHL teams besides the Penguins and Capitals?
Nope!

Wait, really?
OK, sure, in the strictest technical sense there are other teams in the league. In addition to the Penguins and Capitals, there are also the Flyers, Rangers, Red Wings, Blackhawks and… um… the Lakers. Look, it really doesn't matter. Just pay attention to the Penguins and Capitals and everyone will be happy.

Cool, so both those teams will have long playoff runs?
You know what, maybe just focus on the Penguins.

OK, so I'm watching my first post-Classic hockey game. What are the key differences I should be looking for?
Well, for one thing the game is indoors. The coaches aren't dressed like characters from an Archie comic. And there's a good chance that there's only a few hundred people in the stands. Other than that, though, it's pretty much the same.

Wait, did you say the game is indoors? Because it looks like it's raining even harder than it was at the Classic.
You must be watching a Devils home game. Those are the fans' tears.

Why is the puck sliding all around in this game instead of bouncing around randomly like a ping pong ball?
That's what happens when the games are played on a substance called "ice", instead of a slushy mess. It can make the game pretty boring, since the puck always goes where the players are trying to make it go. But don't worry, by the time the playoffs get here everything will be back to how you're used to.

I enjoyed the Winter Classic, but why was it played at night? I much prefer watching sports in the afternoon.
I know, right? Never fear, the Winter Classic was only played at night because of last-minute weather concerns. Rest assured that every other NBC game you ever see will take place in the afternoon.

Awesome! Even when it starts getting hot and all my neighbours are outside barbecuing and having fun?
Especially when it starts getting hot and all your neighbours are outside barbecuing and having fun!

One thing I didn't appreciate about 24/7 was all the swearing. Will I have to put up with that during every NHL game?
No. HBO aired uncensored clips of players and coaches, but those are never included in typical NHL broadcasts. You won't have to worry about being assaulted by a stream of increasingly frantic f-bombs during a regular game, unless you happen to be sitting next to a Toronto Maple Leafs fan.

Toronto? There are teams in Canada?
Next question!

OK Gary, bottom line: I'm a busy sports fan and I have to be pretty selective with what I watch. Why should I become an NHL fan? What can your league offer me that other sports can't?
We play the most beautiful game ever created. No sport has ever combined speed, strength, grace and brutality the way hockey does. Our players are the toughest in the world, we have a rich history, and we compete for the greatest trophy in all of sports.

Meh.
Um… Did I mention we got Stan Lee to draw a bunch of ridiculous superhero characters for all the teams?

I'm in!
Welcome aboard!

Behind the scenes at the NHL's Christmas pageant

Youngest player on the team.

Scene: A stage in a school gymnasium. An audience slowly files in to take their seats in rows of folding chairs. Behind the curtain it's chaos, as cast and crew work on last minute preparations. In the center of it all, a man hops off of a director's chair and tries to address the group.

Gary Bettman: Attention! Everyone, can I have your attention?

Nobody notices him amid the noise and chaos. Bill Daly, wearing a "Santa's Little Helper" hat, hands Bettman a director's megaphone.

Bettman (shouting into megaphone): Attention everyone!

No luck. Nobody can hear him.

Bettman (sighing): Pierre, a little help please?

Pierre McGuire: HELP WITH WHAT?

Immediate silence.

Bettman: Thanks Pierre. OK everyone, listen up. This is a very big night for all of us. The NHL's annual holiday pageant is one of the league's most important events, and our friends and family want to see a good show.

Bettman peeks his head out between the curtains and surveys the audience. Colin Campbell is standing on a chair in the front row, holding a video camera and waving furiously.

Bettman (closing curtain): Yikes. Alright everyone, this gym holds hundreds of people, so for you Thrashers and Islanders this will be the biggest crowd you perform in front of all year. Let's make it count. OK, where's my Santa Claus?

Bruce Boudreau: Ho, ho, [expletive deleted] ho.

Bettman: And where are Santa's elves?

The Montreal Canadiens' top two lines: We're here.

Bettman: Great. And what about Scrooge?

Daly: Uh, he said he had something to take care of.

Daly motions offstage, where Lou Lamoriello is handing pink slips to all the stagehands.

Bettman: Good ol' Lou. Hey, did we ever end up getting any volunteers to play the Three Wise Men?

Ron Wilson, Brian Burke and Richard Peddie: Sure did!

Daly and Bettman stare in horror.

Daly: Um… maybe we can write their scene out.

Bettman: Good idea. OK, has anyone seen Tiny Tim? Adorable little guy, looks so grownup in his big boy suit and his scrunched up angry wittle face…. Oh, there he is!

Cory Clouston: This is degrading and I'm not doing it.

Bettman: Oh, you're doing it, junior. Now you're supposed to be disabled. Do you know where we could get some crutches?

Clouston: I'll go ask Pascal Leclaire, he carries a few spares with him at all times.

Bettman: Good idea. OK everyone, let's run through the big dramatic scene with the three ghosts. Is the Ghost of Hockey Future here?

Sidney Crosby appears, wearing a white Penguins road jersey with the number 87 on the back.

Crosby: I'm here, boss.

Bettman: Great. And what about the Ghost of Hockey Present?

Crosby changes into a #87 black Penguins home jersey.

Crosby: Right here.

Bettman: Wonderful! And what about the Ghost of Hockey Past?

Mario Lemieux: I'm here.

Bettman: Hey, where's your costume?

Lemieux: Please tell me your weren't actually serious about making me wear that.

Bettman: Of course!

Lemieux sighs heavily, then pulls on a #87 Penguins third jersey.

Bettman: Perfect!

Lemieux (storming off): Learn some history.

Bettman: Wow, who's the cranky old guy?

Daly: I have no idea. Sid said he knew him. I think maybe it's his grandfather.

Bettman: I don't like him. Scrooge, take care of him.

Lamoriello (pulling a pink slip out of his pocket): With pleasure.

Daly: Um, sir, we may have a problem.

Bettman turns around to find Pascal Leclaire slumped on the ground, bleeding heavily, with shards of jagged bones jutting out of all four limbs.

Bettman: Dammit Pronger!

Daly: Uh, actually, Chris Pronger's not here this time. He's on the IR with a broken foot, remember?

Bettman: Oh. Then who…

Clouston: Actually, don't worry about it. This happens to him three or four times a week.

Leclaire (barely conscious): Butterfly... landed… on me….

Clouston: Get up, Pascal. Even without functioning limbs you're still better than Elliott.

Bettman: OK everyone, it's almost show time. I think the crowd is getting restless.

(From the crowd, a lone voice can be heard shouting "We want Greg! We want Greg!")

Bettman: Bill, what's the status? Are we ready to go?

Daly: Well, Pascal Leclaire just wandered by the decorative candles and caught himself on fire. Pierre McGuire is refusing to perform his Silent Night solo because he doesn't understand what the word "silent" means. And Bruce Boudreau just taught the little children an alternate version of Rudolph where all the reindeer are from Nantucket.

Bettman: I see.

Daly: Oh, and Lou Lamoriello just had security escort the Baby Jesus out of the building.

Bettman: So basically the whole thing is a disaster.

Daly: An unmitigated, unprecedented, unsalvageable disaster, yes.

Bettman: Well then, you know what we have to do.

Daly: Call Matthew Hulsizer and see if he wants to buy it?

Bettman: Good job, old friend. And Happy Holidays to all!

Inside Gary Bettman's Halloween party

In hindsight, it may have been a mistake to
let John MacLean carve the pumpkin.

NHL fans likely noticed an odd schedule quirk over the weekend. After a Saturday that featured 28 teams in action for the busiest night of the year, there wasn't so much as a single game played on Sunday.

Coincidence? Maybe not. Sources tell me that the league-wide night off was the result of a direct order from commissioner Gary Bettman, who wanted to make sure everyone would be available to attend his annual Halloween party.

In fact, those same sources were there that night and provided me with a complete transcript of how the evening unfolded.

Scene: An opulent home in Manhattan. The party is just getting underway, and various NHL personalities are helping to put the finishing touches on the decorations. Colin Campbell is hanging black and orange streamers, Ken Holland is carving a pumpkin, and John Ferguson Jr. is hanging stockings over the fireplace.

There's a knock at the door, which is answered by a man in a Napoleon costume.

Gary Bettman: Hi! Come on in!

Deputy commissioner Bill Daly enters, wearing a banana costume with the number two painted on the back..

Daly: Hi Gary. How's the party going this year?

Bettman: So far, so good. It's a decent turnout, and everyone seems to be having fun.

Daly: What about the costumes?

Bettman: Hit and miss. The Sedins just switched jerseys and came as each other. But Mark Recchi's zombie outfit is getting more realistic every year, and Jarome Iginla looks great walking around with a Kings jersey and a calendar turned to March, 2011.

Daly: Who's the guy sitting on your couch in the elaborate Grim Reaper costume?

Bettman: Oh, that's Donald Fehr.

Daly: I see. And that necklace made of skulls is…

Bettman: Various MLB owners, apparently.

Daly: Wow. I'm surprised you even invited him.

Bettman: I didn't. He's been sitting there like that since August.

Fehr points a bony finger at Bettman, then takes a bite out of one of the skulls.

Bettman and Daly: (shudder)

They're interrupted by Peter Chiarelli, wearing a black toque and bandit's mask.

Chiarelli: Um, did you guys know that John Ferguson Jr. is hiding eggs in your front yard?

Daly: Yeah, don't worry about it. What's with the burglar's outfit?

Chiarelli: Hold on a second.

Chiarelli reaches over and grabs a handful of candy from the bag of an unsuspecting Brian Burke.

Chiarelli: Sorry, you were saying?

Daly: Never mind. That reminds me, Gary, how's the rest of the candy distribution going?

Bettman: Not so good. Ted Leonsis keeps telling everyone they're doing it wrong. Glenn Sather gave the first kid who showed up twice as much candy as he deserved. And Lou Lamoriello gave all his candy to Ilya Kovalchuk and now doesn't have any left over for anyone else.

Daly: Ouch.

Bettman: Also, let's just say that giving out lollipops to James Wisniewski was a bad idea.

They're interrupted by Brian Burke, dressed as mad scientist.

Bettman: Hi Brian. Enjoying the party?

Burke: Well, I just found out the Peter Chiarelli stole all my candy. But I'm just going to pretend that I'm OK with that, and that everything went according to plan. You all believe me, don't you?

Bettman: Of course we do.

Burke: By the way, great job on the decorations out front. The blood-splattered walls, the bodies sprawled every where, the anguished shrieks that echo out from all corners…

Bettman: Uh, we didn't decorate the front of the house.

Burke: Oh. Then that would mean…

Bettman: Oh no…

A figure riding a motorcycle smashes through Bettman's plate-glass window and skids to a stop in his living room.

Chris Pronger: Boo-yah!

Bettman stares at Pronger's outfit: a torn straightjacket, dented welder's mask, and spiked leather shoulder pads with what appear to be eyeballs stuck on the tips.

Bettman: Hi Chris. Nice costume.

Pronger: Costume?

Bettman: Never mind. Help yourself to the buffet.

Pronger: Ooh, crab cakes!

Daly: Rough night, eh Gary?

Bettman: Well, put it this way. Nobody seems to have enough candy. Half the guest list is currently being loaded into ambulances thanks to Chris Pronger. Donald Fehr just managed to convince the paramedics to go on strike. And John Ferguson Jr. appears to be handing out homemade Valentine's cards.

Daly: Hmm.

Bettman: You know what this means, don't you Bill?

Daly: I sure do, Gary.

Bettman: Tonight's party has been easily the most successful thing I've accomplished in my 17 years as commissioner!

Daly: And they said these parties can't be scary.

A behind the scenes look at the Kovalchuk negotiations

You must be this tall to get
your contract approved.

It's official: The Ilya Kovalchuk saga has stormed past ridiculous, made a left at debacle, and is now heading full speed towards farce. Two months since the start of free agency, six weeks after Kovalchuk's first contract with the Devils was signed and rejected, and one week since a second attempt was submitted to the league, there's still no resolution to this mess.

We thought we'd have an answer by now, as the league was set to render its verdict on Kovalchuk's latest deal on Wednesday. But instead, amidst reports that the league was now playing hardball and demanding changes to the collective bargaining agreement, we got a two-day extension. Now we're told to expect a decision some time today.

Or, maybe not.

If there are any hockey fans left who are still interested in this ongoing travesty, they can take some comfort in the knowledge that the league and the players are at least working hard on a solution. In fact, sources tell me that most of this week was taken up by frantic negotiations between the league, the Devils and the NHLPA. Based on what I've been told, I've put together a timeline of this week's events.

Monday, 9:00 a.m. - Gary Bettman arrives early and begins reviewing the Devils' newest contract proposal, but admits to finding it difficult to concentrate with Donald Fehr sitting ominously in the back of his office cracking his knuckles.

Monday, 1:15 p.m. - Lou Lamoriello explains to a frustrated Bettman that while he understands his concerns, he still insists on submitting the contract in Comic Sans font.

Monday, 4:45 p.m. - Bettman and deputy commissioner Bill Daly attempt to consult with the league's Executive Vice President In Charge of Not Having One of Your Best Players Go To Russia Just so You Can Prove Some Sort of Point, before remembering that he's been on vacation all summer.

Tuesday, 1:15 p.m. – A smiling Bettman shows Daly a series of encouraging notes reading “Keep your head up, Gary” that some kind stranger has been leaving on his windshield throughout the negotiations, although his mood changes when Daly points out that it they seem to be in Scott Stevens' handwriting.

Tuesday, 4:30 p.m. - Both sides begin to work in earnest to avoid a second round of arbitration. Nobody wants to risk a repeat of Brian Burke's twelve straight hours of testimony from the last time, especially since the only question anyone got to ask him was “How are you?”

Wednesday, 10:45 a.m. - A potential breakthrough: Kovalchuk agrees to the league's demands that he confirm his intentions to play into his 40s by crossing his heart and hoping to die, but only if the league rescinds its controversial request that he also stick a needle in his eye.

Wednesday 1:30 p.m. - The league agrees to allow the contract to include a limited no-trade clause that kicks in towards the end of the deal and prevents the Devils from trading Kovalchuk to a southern US team, a concession they feel comfortable making given that none of those teams will still exist in ten years.

Wednesday, 2:45 p.m. - Bettman begins to consider threatening the NHLPA with the voiding of Roberto Luongo's 12-year, $64 million contract that was signed last summer. The idea was originally suggested to him by an anonymous stranger on the subway who bore an uncanny resemblance to Mike Gillis wearing a wig and fake moustache.

Thursday, 10:30 a.m. - With no agreement in place, a second arbitration hearing looms. The two sides begin the process of finding a new arbitrator to replace Richard Bloch, who is still recovering after his recent mysterious accident that left him battered, unconscious, and surrounded by shards of broken glass and grape jam.

Thursday, 11:30 p.m. - NHLPA negotiators attempt to ease league concerns over the length of Kovalchuk's contract by pointing out that while a 15 years may seem like a lot, you have to keep in mind that the way things are going at least three or four of those seasons will be cancelled by work stoppages.

Like a Bettman: What does Gary do all day?

Gary Bettman has been making the media rounds recently, including his annual awkward mess of an interview on Hockey Night in Canada. His PR tour continued recently with an stop at your local sports radio station, where he was asked the question on all our minds: What exactly does he do all day?

I have to admit, I have a little more respect for him after hearing his answer.

(Special thanks to Steve Warne of the Team 1200 for his voiceover work. And remember, every time you go a full day without visiting Bloge Salming a Habs fan sets a dumpster on fire.)

Hacked: Gary Bettman's Gmail account

Ever wondered what kind of e-mail shows up in the inbox of the commissioner of a big time sports league? You have? OK, well what about the commissioner of the NHL instead?

An inside source tipped me off that all of Gary Bettman's official league correspondence goes through his Gmail account. And let's just say Gary's every bit as good at picking secure passwords as he is choosing new markets for expansion.

Here's a screenshot I was able to grab before I was booted off their servers:

Can't see the image? Want to download it? Here's the small version, and here's a larger one that's easier to read.

If you liked this post, you might also like:

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