Sunday, June 28, 2009

Brian Burke mic'd at the draft: What TSN didn't show you

To much fanfare, TSN had Brian Burke mic'd for the first round of this year's draft. And despite considerable hype leading into the broadcast, most agree that Burke's clips didn't reveal much.

Or did they? It turns out Burke gave TSN plenty of good material, but for some reason they chose not to air most of it.

Luckily for you, they forgot to lock up the A/V room overnight, and DGB spies were able to obtain the full transcript of Burke's evening. Here, unedited, are ten conversations you didn't see on TSN.



(At the Leafs draft table.)

Dave Nonis: I saw you talking to Paul Holmgrem at the Flyers table. Did he have any interest in Kaberle?

Burke: Not yet, but give him a few minutes. I used an old psychological trick I learned in law school to plant a subliminal suggestion. The next time he hears the term "all-star defenceman", he won't be able to turn down any trade no matter how ridiculous.

Nonis: Wow.

Burke: It's foolproof. In a few minutes I'll walk back over, mention Kaberle, and he'll grab his ankles.

Nonis: Hey look, he's talking to Bob Murray.

Burke: Uh oh.

Nonis: They're shaking hands.

Burke: Son of a...



(Burke wanders by the Rangers draft table and runs into Glen Sather.)

Burke: Hey Glen, I need to feed the meter. Any chance you have change for a five?

Sather: Sure. How about six loonies?

Burke: That would be... wait, no.

Sather: Fine, fine. Four toonies?

Burke: No, Glen, it's a five, all I need is...

Sather: Nine loonies, five toonies, six quarters and a mint condition Franklin half-dollar. Final offer.

Burke: ...

Sather: Six years, $39 million.

Burke: Deal.



(Dallas draft table.)

Burke: Hey Joe, got a second?

Joe Nieuwendyk: Sure Brian, what's up?

Burke: I need a coffee. Two cream, no sugar.

Nieuwendyk: Um...

Burke: Stat.

Nieuwendyk: I'm not actually your assistant any more.

Burke: ...

Nieuwendyk: Remember, I resigned two weeks ago?

Burke: ...

Nieuwendyk: I'm the GM of the Stars now.

Burke: And an apple fritter.

Nieuwendyk: Right away sir.



(Burke is on his cellphone in a back hallway.)

Burke: So we've got a deal then?

Bob Gainey: Yeah. Done deal.

Burke: Great, I knew we could work this out.

Gainey: Man, the crowd is going to go nuts when I announce we've acquired Lecavlier.

Burke: Yeah. You should totally get right up there and announce it right now.

Gainey: Well, we need to do the paperwork.

Burke: Forget the paperwork. Just grab the mic from Bettman and announce it. Trust me, it will be a moment nobody ever forgets.

Gainey: Umm... hey Lawton, why does your cell phone number have a 416 area code?

Burke: Tee hee.

Gainey: Oh for... Burke, is that you?

Burke: (Hangs up, high-fives a giggling Dave Nonis.)



(Sharks GM Doug Wilson approaches the Leafs draft table.)

Wilson: Brian, I heard you wanted to talk to me?

Burke: Hi Doug. Any truth to the rumor that Joe Thornton is available?

Wilson: What? Who told you that?

Burke: One of your scouts mentioned it.

Wilson: Really? Did he say what the asking price was?

Burke: Yeah, he wrote it down for me, hold on. He said it would cost us... (unfolds a piece of paper) ... "a balloon".

Wilson: Oh lord.

Burke: Yeah.

Wilson: I think I know which one of our scouts you were talking to.

John Ferguson Jr.: Hi guys!

Wilson: John, what did we say about talking to the grownups?

JFJ: But I like balloons.

Burke: So have we got a deal, or...

Wilson: He's not actually authorized to speak to anybody. Ever.

Burke: Oh.

JFJ: Red ones are my favorite.

Wilson: Look, I'm really sorry about all this. He just gets really frightened and confused on draft day.

Entire Leafs draft table: We know.



(Back hallway. Burke is talking to Dave Shoalts of the Globe and Mail, as well as a second reporter wearing a floppy hat, backwards press pass, and lucha libre-style wrestling mask.)

Shoalts: Wait, just so I'm clear, are these real conversations? Or is this some sort of parody joke thing? I'm still having a lot of trouble with this internet stuff.

Burke: You're both idiots.

Mystery reporter: Is that an e5?

Burke: (Shakes head, storms off.)

Mystery reporter: Burkie?



Burke (whispering): You need to listen to me very carefully. There is a bomb hidden under you draft table. It is about to go off. You need to evacuate right away, or else you will die. Do you understand me?

Kevin Lowe: Brian, I know it's you. I have called ID on my phone.

Burke: ...

Lowe: You're not allowed to call me. It's in the restraining order. (Click.)

Burke (still whispering): Dustin Penner sucks!



(Burke's cell phone rings.)

Burke: Hello?

Gary Bettman: Brian, it's Gary. It's about this trade you just faxed in. The one where you get the Wild's first rounder. And Harding. And Zidlicky and Gaborik and Clutterbuck.

Burke: It's a blockbuster.

Bettman: For Jeff Finger.

Burke: Hey, their GM signed off on it.

Bettman: Yeah, about that. I can see that the trade was signed by "C Fletcher". But I just talked to Chuck, and he said he never even spoke to you.

Burke: Do you have a point?

Bettman: Could I please speak to Cliff?

Burke: You may not.

Bettman: Deal's off. (Click.)

Burke: Worth a try.



(Post-draft buffet spread.)

Burke: Not much left at the buffet.

Bryan Murray: Yeah, but there's still one piece of apple pie left. My favorite!

Burke: Apple pie is the one you want?

Murray: Yes.

Burke: Well, that's the one I'm going to take.

Murray: Oh for ...

Burke: (Nom nom nom.)

Murray: Stop doing that!



(Post-draft party.)

Burke: Look, I don't want to get all sappy here, but I just want to say I've admired you for a long time, and it was an honor to share a draft floor with you. You did a fantastic job out there. You're absolutely the best in the business.

Burke's reflection: Hey, you too. I'm a huge fan. Great work as always.

Guy banging on door: Hey buddy, hurry up in there, there are people lined up to use this bathroom!



(Glove tap to DGB reader Lyle for sending in the idea for this post.)




42 comments:

  1. This is the greatest thing I have ever read!

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  2. At least he tried on Holmgren. What were the odds Murray would walk by RIGHT THERE?

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  3. Ahhhhhh......LeafNation breathes a sigh of relief that DGB hasn't lost his touch after the draft.

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  4. Hahaha "is it the apple pie you want?"

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  5. AWESOME...........This goes into the best of. Glen Sather's almost sounds real.

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  6. The JFJ one was my favourite.

    You the man.

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  7. Thank you for explaining the Redden contract. I'd always thought it went something like that.

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  8. Brian Burke is the bestest bully ever. Wedgies for Ottawa!

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  9. Coming from a Sens fan...the bit about apple pie at the buffet had me in stitches. Way to be, DGB.

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  10. Hey Downie, add another member to the "print-out-and-read-on-the-john" club.

    That mic'd thing was brutal. The first conversation with Bob Gainey was particularily brutal.

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  11. *the brutality of course was referring to the real TSN coverage.

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  12. Hahaha, oh my goodness, that was fantastic. Especially the apple pie bit.

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  13. It's important to specify HELIUM balloons, though - otherwise you might get stuck with regular air balloons stuck to the walls with static electricity.

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  14. The Bryan Murray -part was incredible. Amazing work, as always.

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  15. You, sir, are high-larious. Had me spewing Tim Horton's onto my computer.

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  16. If I were wearing a hat, it would be off to you good sir

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  17. "He said it would cost us... (unfolds a piece of paper) ... "a balloon"

    I think I just pissed myself.

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  18. Gary "Wife Stealer" LeemanJune 29, 2009 at 11:48 AM

    I'm praying Ed Belfour did not trash a Montreal hotel room.

    As a Ranger fan, I believe Sather would have offered Theo Fleury, Valeri Kamensky, and an autographed Jean Chretien item to be named later for said parking spot.

    And a draft pick if Burkey asked him.

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  19. Gary "Wife Stealer" LeemanJune 29, 2009 at 11:54 AM

    Also, I believe Dean Lombardi took the last of the cherry pie.

    I thought Burke was going to crush his skull when he announced Brayden Schenn's name. Or have Luke give him a noogie.

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  20. You nailed it on the head. Sather's comments were hilarious!

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  21. hahaha

    Thank God ... I thought after your draft day blog, you may have lost some of your touch. Which would be understandable, considering you live in Ottawa. I mean everyone has their breaking point!

    I would also like to take credit for starting the "print and read while taking a shit" club!!!

    (although I made a type and apparently people thought I gave myself a reach around)

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  22. god damn it ... *typo

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  23. blindfolded tank driverJune 29, 2009 at 11:35 PM

    spectacular as always. I laughed so much, I had to read it twice.

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  24. Actually, when Burke asked if the Flyers were still interested in Kaberle, the correct answer is "only if the Leafs are still interested in Lindros."

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  25. Utter brilliance. I gotta go wipe the tears from my eyes ... I'm still laughing. Great, great work.

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  26. That is absolutely phenomenal. I still died laughing at the Brian Murray piece the second/third time around!

    "Apple pie is the one you want?"

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  27. The chat with Neiuwy is great!!! "Right away, sir" There's a Neiu 'Tool' in Dallas.

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  28. This was hysterical! I was screaming by the time John Ferguson Jr. showed up.

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  29. oh god LMAO god hahahahah got everyone here cracking up why aren't they paying you to do this yet hahahahaha

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  30. That's so funny...

    What did he say after Lombardi took Schenn?

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  31. Al "Spurned Divorcee" IafrateJuly 2, 2009 at 8:05 PM

    Leeman took my cherry pie.

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  32. I know it's September, but damn it, it's still funny!

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  33. This seems to have lost its edge 8 winless games into the season.

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  34. Who the hell wrote this???

    Please someone tell me.

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  35. God damn Sather.

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  36. I read this in Jan 2011 - and again I have tears running down my face from the laughter. The C. Fletcher and JKJ pieces are terrific

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  37. Draft Day 2013, some things never get old :-)

    Thanks for the laugh

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