Neither side is commenting about what went on at the meeting. But as long-time readers may have suspected, DGB spies were able to breach the security at the Heatley compound and record the discussion.
What follows is the top secret transcript of the conversation.
Lowe: Dany, I want to thank you for meeting with me. I know this entire situation has been difficult for you, but I really believe that after we get a chance to chat, you're going to want to be a part of the Oilers.
Heatley: Hey, I'm willing to hear you out.
Lowe: Now, just so I'm clear on your side of things, you're demanding a trade because...
Heatley: ... because I can't spend another day in Ottawa. I'm miserable beyond any measure of human understanding. Every day I spend in Ottawa is the worst of my life, and the only joy I find is in the knowledge that every day wasted in that god forsaken town brings me one day closer to the icy relief of death.
Lowe: I see. And you're not waiving your no-trade clause because...
Heatley: ... all that still sounds better than spending the winter in Edmonton.
Lowe: Got it.
Heatley: No offence.
Lowe: No, none taken. Now, I understand you've had some problems with the Ottawa media. But I just want to assure you that the reporters who cover the Oilers are some of the very best in the business.
Heatley: Actually, a friend of mine used to play for the Oilers and he told me that the media there is very talented.
Lowe: Oh really? And who said that?
Heatley: Chris Pronger.
Heatley: Veeerrry talented.
Lowe: Yeah, I got it. (Cell phone rings.) I'm sorry Dany, one moment please. (Answers phone.) Hi Bryan. Yes, I'm talking to him right now. It's going well. What's that? Sure, I suppose you could say hello. Let me put you on speakerphone.
Bryan Murray: HEATLEY IF YOU DON'T ACCEPT THIS TRADE SO HELP ME I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS AND THEN I'M GOING TO SQUAT OVER YOUR CORPSE AND TAKE A NICE LONG... (click).
Lowe: Oops, he must have got disconnected.
Heatley: Your cell has a speakerphone on it?
Lowe: Never mind that.
Heatley: Look Kevin, I just want you know that the regular season is nice. But that's not my focus. For a guy like me, the real hockey doesn't start until April and May.
Lowe: Yes, absolutely, it's all about the Stanley Cup.
Heatley: The what? No, I meant the world hockey championships.
Heatley: Man, I totally kick ass in that tournament.
Lowe: I've heard.
Heatley: I totally lit it up against Latvia this year. Their goalie had no glove.
Lowe: Yeah, I hear they have some weaknesses.
Heatley: No, I mean literally. He had no glove. He was using a baseball cap. I scored six goals.
Heatley: I tell you, as long as the game is completely meaningless, I am unstoppable.
Lowe: I'll keep that in mind. Now, I've heard that you've had some problems with Cory Clouston.
Heatley: Yeah, he's always singling me out. "Dany, you were out of position. Dany, you have to actually work hard. Dany, you have to come back into your own zone once or twice a game." It's like he thinks he's in charge or something.
Lowe: Right. But I think you'd get along great with our new coach, Pat Quinn. I was hoping you'd get a chance to meet him tonight, but I wasn't able to get a hold of him.
Heatley: Actually, he's outside.
Lowe: He's what?
Heatley: Right there.
(Heatley points to a shadowy figure looming outside his window. The figure takes a puff from a lit cigar.)
Lowe: Um... How long has he been there?
Heatley: Going on three days now.
Lowe: I see.
(The shadowy figure points at its eyes with two fingers, then points at Heatley.)
Heatley: He keeps doing that.
Heatley: Hey, wasn't Steve Tambellini going to be here?
Lowe: He's in the car. We don't let him get involved with actual decisions.
Lowe: So Dany, in closing I just want to say that everyone in Edmonton is very excited about the possibility of having you aboard.
Lowe: Absolutely everyone.
(Heatley looks over to the shadowy figure in the window, who points at him and then makes a throat-slash gesture.)
Lowe: Almost without exception.
Heatley: Well, you've done a great job selling me on Edmonton. As soon as you leave, I'm going to call my agent and tell him to waive my no-trade. I'm going to be an Oiler!
Lowe: Wow! Really?
Heatley: Hey, I'm Dany Heatley. You have my word.