Thursday, July 2, 2009

Dany Heatley meets with Kevin Lowe: The secret transcript

Two men enter. One leaves.
As everyone knows by now, Oilers president Kevin Lowe rushed to Kelowna last night to meet with Senators winger Dany Heatley in an attempt to convince him to waive his no-trade clause and accept a deal to Edmonton.

Neither side is commenting about what went on at the meeting. But as long-time readers may have suspected, DGB spies were able to breach the security at the Heatley compound and record the discussion.

What follows is the top secret transcript of the conversation.

Lowe: Dany, I want to thank you for meeting with me. I know this entire situation has been difficult for you, but I really believe that after we get a chance to chat, you're going to want to be a part of the Oilers.

Heatley: Hey, I'm willing to hear you out.

Lowe: Now, just so I'm clear on your side of things, you're demanding a trade because...

Heatley: ... because I can't spend another day in Ottawa. I'm miserable beyond any measure of human understanding. Every day I spend in Ottawa is the worst of my life, and the only joy I find is in the knowledge that every day wasted in that god forsaken town brings me one day closer to the icy relief of death.

Lowe: I see. And you're not waiving your no-trade clause because...

Heatley: ... all that still sounds better than spending the winter in Edmonton.

Lowe: Got it.

Heatley: No offence.

Lowe: No, none taken. Now, I understand you've had some problems with the Ottawa media. But I just want to assure you that the reporters who cover the Oilers are some of the very best in the business.

Heatley: Actually, a friend of mine used to play for the Oilers and he told me that the media there is very talented.

Lowe: Oh really? And who said that?

Heatley: Chris Pronger.

Lowe: Right.

Heatley: Veeerrry talented.

Lowe: Yeah, I got it. (Cell phone rings.) I'm sorry Dany, one moment please. (Answers phone.) Hi Bryan. Yes, I'm talking to him right now. It's going well. What's that? Sure, I suppose you could say hello. Let me put you on speakerphone.

Bryan Murray: HEATLEY IF YOU DON'T ACCEPT THIS TRADE SO HELP ME I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS AND THEN I'M GOING TO SQUAT OVER YOUR CORPSE AND TAKE A NICE LONG... (click).

Lowe: Oops, he must have got disconnected.

Heatley: Your cell has a speakerphone on it?

Lowe: Never mind that.

Heatley: Look Kevin, I just want you know that the regular season is nice. But that's not my focus. For a guy like me, the real hockey doesn't start until April and May.

Lowe: Yes, absolutely, it's all about the Stanley Cup.

Heatley: The what? No, I meant the world hockey championships.

Lowe: Oh.

Heatley: Man, I totally kick ass in that tournament.

Lowe: I've heard.

Heatley: I totally lit it up against Latvia this year. Their goalie had no glove.

Lowe: Yeah, I hear they have some weaknesses.

Heatley: No, I mean literally. He had no glove. He was using a baseball cap. I scored six goals.

Lowe: Wonderful.

Heatley: I tell you, as long as the game is completely meaningless, I am unstoppable.

Lowe: I'll keep that in mind. Now, I've heard that you've had some problems with Cory Clouston.

Heatley: Yeah, he's always singling me out. "Dany, you were out of position. Dany, you have to actually work hard. Dany, you have to come back into your own zone once or twice a game." It's like he thinks he's in charge or something.

Lowe: Right. But I think you'd get along great with our new coach, Pat Quinn. I was hoping you'd get a chance to meet him tonight, but I wasn't able to get a hold of him.

Heatley: Actually, he's outside.

Lowe: He's what?

Heatley: Right there.

(Heatley points to a shadowy figure looming outside his window. The figure takes a puff from a lit cigar.)

Lowe: Um... How long has he been there?

Heatley: Going on three days now.

Lowe: I see.

(The shadowy figure points at its eyes with two fingers, then points at Heatley.)

Heatley: He keeps doing that.

Lowe: Hm.

Heatley: Hey, wasn't Steve Tambellini going to be here?

Lowe: He's in the car. We don't let him get involved with actual decisions.

Heatley: Ah.

Lowe: So Dany, in closing I just want to say that everyone in Edmonton is very excited about the possibility of having you aboard.

Heatley: Everyone.

Lowe: Absolutely everyone.

(Heatley looks over to the shadowy figure in the window, who points at him and then makes a throat-slash gesture.)

Lowe: Almost without exception.

Heatley: Well, you've done a great job selling me on Edmonton. As soon as you leave, I'm going to call my agent and tell him to waive my no-trade. I'm going to be an Oiler!

Lowe: Wow! Really?

Heatley: Hey, I'm Dany Heatley. You have my word.




33 comments:

  1. the Surreal McCoyJuly 2, 2009 at 9:37 PM

    'Actually, a friend of mine used to play for the Oilers and he told me that the media there is very talented.'

    dude, seriously, where do you come up with this stuff?? that's effin priceless!

    ReplyDelete
  2. "I tell you, as long as the game is completely meaningless, I am unstoppable."

    Wait....isn't that Hossa's line?

    ReplyDelete
  3. My god, there should be an award for this category of blogging comedy.
    "... all that still sounds better than spending the winter in Edmonton."
    Still laughing so hard it hurts.
    If this was a movie, would Deniro play Quinn? And would Ben Stiller play Heatley?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Stittsville SluggoJuly 2, 2009 at 9:53 PM

    DGB, you are, wthout a doubt, the best.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Blindfolded Tank DriverJuly 2, 2009 at 10:01 PM

    Awesome! this, good sir, is comedy gold! Dany Heatley pisses his pants in pure fear of Pat Quinn!

    ReplyDelete
  6. What's so unusual about a cell phone with speakerphone?

    Great work, though I question the implication that non-winter seasons in Edmonton are remotely tolerable in any way whatsoever. I hear their local Chamber of Commerce is launching a tourism campaign soon called "Hey, at least it's not Tehran!"

    ReplyDelete
  7. Even as a Senators fan...that's just about bang on DGB. One of your best!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Don't you mean:

    Bryan Murray: HEATLEY IF YOU DON'T ACCEPT THIS TRADE THO HELP ME I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS AND THEN I'M GOING TO THQUAT OVER YOUR CORPSE AND TAKE A NICE LONG...

    ReplyDelete
  9. As an oiler fan I seriously needed a laugh after this whole fiasco. BRAVO!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Absolute bloody genius! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  11. "Every day I spend in Ottawa is the worst of my life, and the only joy I find is in the knowledge that every day wasted in that god forsaken town brings me one day closer to the icy relief of death." So, I should avoid going to Ottawa...?

    That was quite likely the funniest thing I've ever read

    ReplyDelete
  12. Awesome
    That bit about the Latvian goalie using a baseball cap in net was gold!

    ReplyDelete
  13. "Two Men Enter. One Man Leaves"

    Points for Thunderdome Reference!!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. HILARIOUS. Your posts never cease to rofl me.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Who is this guy, they should give him a writing spot on HNIC, laughing my ass off, perfect summary of the situation.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Thanks, man. I needed a laugh over this mess, and I howled out loud fives times over this.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Too lenient, DGB! Good laughs, but I dig the "biggest loser in hockey" post more.

    ...you'd think that a guy who was once responsible for the death of a teammate would not be so quick to abandon 30 some-odd more.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Slow clap. DGB, you magnificent bastard, you have done it again.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Friggin hilarious, as usual!

    DGB, you should check out Berger's latest column re: the Nash signing though - that hack just totally ripped off your 'secret transcript' idea!

    ReplyDelete
  20. You know you've made it when Berger is ripping you off. Congrats! :-D

    ReplyDelete
  21. OMG! Can "diarrheaed" be a verb? Screw it, I say it is. I love English.

    I DIARRHEAD my pants as I read this. (Because, you know - I was laughing so hard my bowels spontaneously erupted)

    ReplyDelete
  22. A Masterpiece of comic relief -- wonderfully written -- thanks :-)

    ReplyDelete
  23. That was not funny and pretty fucking stupid to boot.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Whatever Mrs. Heatley. None of this would be an issue if you didn't raise such a spoiled, selfish little brat.

    Spanking ftw.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Re: Berger's column.

    Much like when Damien Cox did an entire column on fake twitters, I'd simply like to thank my MSM friends for proving that this humor stuff isn't as easy as it looks.

    ReplyDelete
  26. As others have stated before, sheer brilliance.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Awesome stuff, that's hilarious! Herb has NO idea what he's talking about!

    ReplyDelete
  28. So that's how things work at Down Goes Brown. Only praise from sycophantic lickspittles will be tolerated. Dissenters need not bother posting. Delightful.

    ReplyDelete
  29. HAAA.. this is a great read.. thanks a lot eh!


    -gOsEnSgO-

    ReplyDelete