The pros and cons of fighting in the NHL

Kill him! But, uh, you know, don't hurt him.

The debate over fighting has returned to NHL circles. And if you're a fan of the occasional scrap, you probably didn't have a very good week.

Players like Rick DiPietro, Colton Orr and Derek Boogaard are still on the sidelines due to serious injuries suffered in fights. Then word came last week that the late Bob Probert was suffering from a degenerative brain disease believed to be caused by repeated head trauma. Before fans could fully absorb that news, Edmonton Oilers' number one overall draft pick Taylor Hall had his rookie season ended by an ankle injury suffered in his first career fight.

So here we go again. It seems that the fighting debate has been raging for decades. And while it's lead to hours of heated rhetoric, there's little evidence of anyone ever actually changing their mind.

But maybe that can change. I've spoken to experts on both sides of the issue, and I've captured their best arguments below. For the first time, here are both sides of hockey's greatest debate presented side-by-side. Maybe, just maybe, we can settle this once and for all.

Pro-fighting: Banning fighting would eliminate the chance of a fight between Matt Cooke and Sean Avery that the linesmen could just "forget" to break up.

Anti-fighting: Fights are nothing more than quasi-exciting but ultimately demeaning sideshows that don't showcase any actual hockey skills and have no place in the game, and these days we have the shootout for that.

Pro-fighting: Without the threat of fighting, noble enforcers like Jody Shelley and Trevor Gillies would be unable to protect their teammates from despicable cheap-shot artists like Jody Shelley and Trevor Gillies.

Anti-fighting: Let's face it, nobody really likes having fighting in the game except for ignorant know-nothings like fans, most general managers and coaches, and virtually every single player.

Pro-fighting: Getting rid of fighting would just result in every episode of Coach's Corner being nothing more than a seven-minute diatribe about no-touch icing,

Anti-fighting: If punching somebody in the face at a hockey game is outlawed, only outlaws will punch somebody in the face at a hockey game. And Flyer fans. Actually, mostly Flyer fans.

Pro-fighting: If we just hold off on doing anything to address the rapidly growing list of players lost to concussions for another year or two, all of us will eventually get to play in the NHL for a few games.

Anti-fighting: Mike Milbury has historically been pro-fighting.

Pro-fighting: Wait, Mike Milbury is now apparently anti-fighting.

Anti-fighting: Fighting is an outdated concept that may have made sense for previous generations but has no place in the modern game, like goalies playing without masks or an NHL team in Winnipeg.

Pro-fighting: The inability to regularly write simplistic and condescending anti-fighting columns could spell the end of the already struggling newspaper industry.

Anti-fighting: Studies have shown that a total ban on fighting would increase hockey viewership by 20% in the southern United States, because Tom says he's pretty sure he'd start watching.

Pro-fighting: Hey, remember when they had fighting in NHL 93 and then they took it out for NHL 94? Which one did you like better? Exactly.

Anti-fighting: In addition to being overpaid and overrated based on last year's Cup run, Niemi is known to snore loudly on team flights and often plays bad Finnish pop music on the Sharks' team stereo. (Editor's note: Wait, sorry, this should have been listed as an "Antti fighting" argument.)

Pro-fighting: Players engaging in fights face the possibility of devastating injury and even long-term disability, which is a risk that I as a fan sitting in my easy chair have decided I am willing to accept.

Anti-fighting: Eliminating fighting would send a strong message to impressionable children that settling a dispute by knocking somebody unconscious with your fists is unacceptable; instead, use your rock solid shoulder pad like a gentleman would.

2010-11 Western Conference Preview

In the second of a two-part series, season preview week continues with a look at the Western Conference. (If you missed it, the Eastern Confence preview is here.)

Edmonton Oilers
The good: Just like every other team, will be tied for first place when the puck drops on opening night.
The bad: Will somehow be eight points out of a playoff spot by the next morning.
What to watch: Are expected to trade Sheldon Souray, which will be great since the bag of pucks they currently use at practice needs replacing.

Phoenix Coyotes
The good: Eastern-based hockey media agree that the team has an excellent lineup, featuring Shane Doan, Ilya Bryzgalov, and, um… you know, all those other guys.
The bad: There's absolutely no evidence that their owners know anything about hockey.
What to watch: Unless it's the playoffs, the guy at the sports bar asking you to "toss the snake" may not actually be a Coyotes fan.

Dallas Stars
The good: Have promised their long-suffering fans that they'll play half of their games in other cities this year.
The bad: The departure of Marty Turco is expected to drain the self-confidence of forwards who were used to practicing against him.
What to watch: The inspirational Mike Ribeiro, who continues to suit up despite suffering an apparent career ending injury on every third shift.

St. Louis Blues
The good: Continue to exist, you're pretty sure now that you stop and think about it.
The bad: Their new starting goalie once lost his job to Carey Price, so how good could he be?
What to watch: The confused look on their fans' faces when they see Blackhawk fans celebrating with that big weird trophy thing.

Colorado Avalanche
The good: Shocked the hockey world last year by achieving something few observers had believed possible.
The bad: It was losing to the Sharks in a playoff series.
What to watch: Coach Joe Sakic, who modestly insists that you call him "Joe" instead of "Mr. Sakic" and actually seems to get kind of touchy about it after a while, come to think of it.

Los Angeles Kings
The good: Refused to meet Ilya Kovalchuk's contract demands in free agency, greatly reducing the chances that you'll be forced to stay up to watch Stanley Cup finals games on pacific time.
The bad: In hindsight, Barry Melrose pretty much ruined the mullet for everyone.
What to watch: Drew Doughty, the current consensus pick the win the Norris, the Hart, the Vezina, and the Biletnikoff.

Anaheim Ducks
The good: Don't have any cap problems, unless you count Ryan Getzlaf's refusal to cover up his bald spot.
The bad: Will be without their #1 defenceman, Scott Niedermayer, as well as their #2 defenceman, Scott Niedermayer's beard.
What to watch: The "flying V" strategy from the Mighty Ducks movies would be called offside every time, which really has nothing to do with Anaheim but has always sort of bothered me.

Minnesota Wild
The good: The departure of Derek Boogard means the dressing room stereo can finally be used for pregame music again, instead of all those damn Stephen Hawking audiobooks.
The bad: A recent exhibition game produced the first non-sellout in the franchise's ten year history, proving conclusively that US expansion can never succeed.
What to watch: Josh Harding if he's standing anywhere near you, because you know that lightning strike is on its way.

Nashville Predators
The good: Consistently choose really good teams to lose to in the first round.
The bad: Shea Weber slapshots have been known to go through the net, end boards, several rows of stands, and crucial load-bearing arena walls.
What to watch: Coach Barry Trotz, an honourable man who would never fail to stick his neck out for his players if he had one.

Columbus Blue Jackets
The good: Are a team that absolutely nobody cares about, so you can safely ignore them when writing a preview.
The bad: I mean, you still need to put some text in there. You can't just leave a blank space, people would notice that. But you can write pretty much anything you want because nobody will read it.
What to watch: Note to self, Post editors may be getting suspicious of the embezzling. Find a temporary new source of funding for lavish gifts for the mistress.

San Jose Sharks
The good: In last year's first round series against the Avalanche, silenced critics who called them playoff chokers by scoring an NHL record five game-winning goals.
The bad: It's their fault that you're able to have an intelligent conversation with your wife about the pros and cons of the color teal.
What to watch: Dany Heatley makes his return to Ottawa on December 2, giving Senator fans a chance to boo somebody out of the building other than Daniel Alfredsson during every Leafs game.

Calgary Flames
The good: They kept their own first round pick this year, which is great news since they will be terrible.
The bad: They'll also have the fourth round pick of whichever team they panic and trade Jarome Iginla to.
What to watch: Jay Bouwmeester, the greatest postseason performer in hockey history as far as anyone knows.

Detroit Red Wings
The good: Chris Osgood has inspired a generation of hockey players by winning three Stanley Cup rings despite being born without the ability to be an adequate NHL starting goaltender.
The bad: They finally got the old man smell out of Chris Chelios' locker, and then along comes Mike Modano.
What to watch: Mike Babcock's angry face, if you need to get rid of some hiccups.

Chicago Blackhawks
The good: Saw their 50-year rebuilding plan pay off a whole season ahead of schedule.
The bad: Marian Hossa may be a little fatigued, since he's had about fifteen total days of offseason in the past three years.
What to watch: Patrick Kane doesn't seem to have gained any arm strength this offseason, even though whenever you ask him how he spent his summer he says something about lots of 12 oz curls and then high fives you.

Vancouver Canucks
The good: Now that he's been stripped of the captaincy, Roberto Luongo will no longer spend the majority of every practice working on his ceremonial faceoff technique.
The bad: After last year's Stephane Auger controversy, referees can no longer try to "get" Alex Burrows during games, and will now have to resort to running him over in the parking lot.
What to watch: The team enjoys a spirited rivalry with the Blackhawks, in much the same way that cake enjoys a spirited rivalry with a fat kid on his birthday.

2010-11 Eastern Conference Preview

With the start of the NHL season just days away, it's time to take a look at each of the league's 30 teams. In the first of a two-part series, here's a look at the Eastern Conference.

Tampa Bay Lightning
The good: Are just one good break away from winning the division, if a four-team midair plane crash could really be described as a good break.
The bad: Every time they win the Stanley Cup, the entire league needs to take a year off to recover from the shock.
What to watch: Their hotshot new center who came out of nowhere, was signed to minimum salary deal, and looks suspiciously like Steve Yzerman with a fake moustache and glasses.

Montreal Canadiens
The good: Could contend for the Stanley Cup if Carey Price can handle the pressure of being a starting goalie in Montreal.
The bad: Could also contend if Patrick Roy returns to action after inventing a time machine, which seems equally likely at this point.
What to watch: If you must park you car on a Montreal street during the playoffs, at least have the sense of humour to fill the trunk with unpopped popcorn kernels first.

Pittsburgh Penguins
The good: Thanks to their participation in the Winter Classic and the accompanying HBO reality series, will finally get some media attention.
The bad: Have shown an impressive ability to win the big game, but realistically can't rely on playing Washington every night.
What to watch: Whether Sidney Crosby can find chemistry with his first line wingers, two cardboard cutouts of Sidney Crosby.

Washington Capitals
The good: Haven't choked away a soul-crushing loss in over three months.
The bad: In search of a challenge, Alexander Ovechkin is insisting on playing the entire season left-handed.
What to watch: Coach Bruce Boudreau, who always maintains an air of professionalism when arguing with referees despite their inability to resist repeatedly poking him in the tummy.

Toronto Maple Leafs
The good: Nazim Kadri's failure to develop into a blue chip prospect is really just a clever ruse to prevent him from getting traded to Boston.
The bad: Have struggled with unrealistic fan expectations, in the sense that fans have expected them to ice 12 forwards who know how to play hockey.
What to watch: The team should be well prepared for the rigors of an 82-game regular season, thanks to their 82-game preseason.

New York Islanders
The good: Have placed the hopes for the blueline on the shoulders of Mark Streit, which should work out fine as long as they remembered to make sure he doesn't have a weak labrum first.
The bad: John Tavares failed to live up to expectations last year, as fans who shook his hand reported that their leprosy barely improved at all.
What to watch: Owner Charles Wang recently spent $250,000 to upgrade the Coliseum's 38-year-old locker room, which for the first time this season will feature electricity, running water and walls.

Carolina Hurricanes
The good: The retirement of Rod Brind'Amour has made entire roster, on average, about 300% more attractive.
The bad: In an attempt to appeal to NASCAR fans, coaches have instructed the players to skate as fast as they can but only ever turn left.
What to watch: Paul Maurice's lips, as he seems to mutter "At least I'm not still with the Leafs" over and over again during blowout losses.

New Jersey Devils
The good: Apparently signed some Russian free agent who's pretty good; you'd think there would have been some media coverage about that.
The bad: Are pretty weak at backup goaltender, which could come up three or even four times this season.
What to watch: The look on Ilya Kovalchuk's face when he realizes he's going to spend the next 15 years of his life executing the neutral zone trap in New Jersey.

Buffalo Sabres
The good: Front office should be well-rested after recent four month vacation.
The bad: Word has got out around the league that Ryan Miller is surprisingly weak on 3-on-0s.
What to watch: Tyler Myers' neck, which at its current rate of growth will be awarded its own expansion team by 2012.

New York Rangers
The good: Have only four more years until the Derek Boogard contract comes off the books.
The bad: Marian Gaborik played in 76 games last season; regression to the mean tell us that this year he will play -16.
What to watch: Whether the NHL's new rule against blindside elbows to the head also applies to coaches who get frustrated with their own players.

Philadelphia Flyers
The good: Their players are far less likely to suffer catastrophic injuries at the hands of Chris Pronger than those from other teams, unless they do something stupid like attend practice.
The bad: Entire roster lives in fear that they're half a bad game away from losing their jobs to Michael Vick.
What to watch: Might eventually decide to try having one of those things… what do you call them… with the big pads and funny mask… you know what, forget it, it's probably not important.

Atlanta Thrashers
The good: Will no longer fail to meet fan expectations, as that would require both expectations and fans.
The bad: Must improve on disappointing all-time record in nationally televised games of 0-1.
What to watch: Your lunch, around Dustin Byfuglien.

Florida Panthers
The good: Could introduce a "take a slapshot at an orphan" promotion and still not be the most hated sports team in Miami.
The bad: Warm local weather makes good ice quality difficult to maintain in May and June, theoretically.
What to watch: If they're on: something, anything else.

Ottawa Senators
The good: Hey cool, Mike Fisher was totally in that latest Carrie Underwood video!
The bad: Although come to think of it, why was he wearing a Predators jersey?
What to watch: Pascal Leclaire and Brian Elliot will battle for the job of third-string goaltender, which will be important since the team has decided not to employ a first or second-string goaltender.

Boston Bruins
The good: Tuukka Rask can learn plenty from veteran Tim Thomas, assuming he aspires to someday be a ridiculously overpaid backup.
The bad: The long-term loss of perennial 90-point man Marc Savard has left the team with a deep hole at fourth-line center.
What to watch: Their amateur scouting department, as they spend every evening watching Maple Leaf highlights and high-fiving.

Other NHL player grievances

Wait, I signed where?

The big news in hockey this week was the NHLPA's filing of a grievance against the league on behalf of Ilya Kovalchuk. The move will pit the association against the NHL in an arbitration hearing to determine the legality of Kovalchuk's controversial 17-year, $102 million contract with the New Jersey Devils.

But as it turns out, that wasn't all that the players wanted to get off their chests. In fact, the Kovalchuk situation was just one of several complaints the players would like to see addressed. And in an attempt to be as efficient as possible, the league has encouraged the NHLPA to consolidate all of their grievances into one single master list.

Well, that list was leaked to me this week. And the interest of keeping fans informed I'm publishing it here.

• Although we’ve made our feelings crystal clear on the matter over the years, there are still between 20 to 25 players at any given time who are being forced to play in Edmonton.
  
  
• Due to difficult economic times, Philadelphia Flyer fans are now pelting our wives and children with pennies and nickels, instead of the much lighter dimes they used to throw.
  
  
• Can't quite put our finger on it, but something just doesn't feel right about the way Gary Bettman drives around town in his brand new sports car with the personalized plates that read "ESCROW".
  
  
• It's not really fair that so many of us have to work all through May and June, while the players in Toronto get those months off every year.
  
  
• The league should abandon its plan to replace the current steroid testing program (in which a league official asks players "Hey, none of you use steroids, right?") with a much more comprehensive system (in which the official will also be allowed to raise an eyebrow and ask "Are you sure?").
  
  
• Hey, you know what would be completely awesome? If we all stopped hitting each other in the groin with slapshots! (Grievance suggested by Sami Salo.)
  
  
• Veteran players on minimum-salary deals have consistently pointed out that the current CBA is structured to provide massive contracts to a handful of elite players at the expense of the overall group. So can we pass some sort of rule making it illegal for those guys to talk anymore?
  
  
• No matter how loud we yell or how much we wave our arms around, those stupid mascots always aim their hotdog cannons into the upper deck instead.
  
  
• This Sidney Crosby kid out in Pittsburgh tries really hard and is a super nice guy, and we all just wish the hockey media would find a way to mention him every now and then.
  
  
• The current maximum roster size rules significantly reduce our overall earnings potential by artificially limiting the number of players who can receive idiotic free agent offers from Glen Sather.
  
  
• No matter how many times it happens, it still really bothers Mike Richards first thing every morning when he plods down the stairs in his bathrobe, takes a sip of coffee, and then throws open his kitchen curtains to find Pierre McGuire smiling creepily into his window.
  
  
• Every now and then we hear some fan trying to get the wave started. But when we climb into the stands and beat him to death with our sticks, suddenly we're the bad guys.
  
  
• We pretty much all agree that Glashow's objection to string theory on the basis of not being sufficiently predictive is unconvincing given that the theory clearly satisfies the Popperian criterion of falsifiability, so shut up about it already, Boogard.
  
  
• We don't want to identify the team, but let's just say that players from one particular franchise are deeply concerned that their GM's recent roster moves might indicate that he took too many shots to the head while growing up with his five hockey playing brothers.
  
  
• We must continue to institute tougher rules to prevent players from elbowing each other into unconsciousness, and get back to just punching each other into unconsciousness the way God intended.

Free agency: The NBA vs. the NHL

Hey Chris, that coffee machine over there
isn't going to just work itself.

The first few weeks of July mark the start of free agency in both hockey and basketball. And while both leagues can usually be counted on for some entertaining signings, there's little doubt that 2010 was all about the NBA.

Between the NHL's lacklustre crop of free agents and the NBA's much-hyped "big three" and beyond, every sports fan in North America has been transfixed by the daily intrigue of NBA free agency. And that no doubt includes many hockey fans who have otherwise never followed basketball, and may be confused by some of the what they're seeing.

Have no fear, hockey fans. NBA free agency is really very similar to the NHL version, with only a few key differences. To help you make sense of it all, I've prepared this handy guide to help you compare and contrast the two leagues.

NBA free agency: America's largest sports networks allows a star player to spend an hour announcing his decision in a farcical display of tone deaf self-promotion.
NHL free agency: Canadian networks would never participate in such a vulgar display due to higher journalistic standards, a distaste for self-aggrandizing hype, and the lack of available airtime due to their previously scheduled round-the-clock "NHL Free Agent Super-Mega-Frenzy 2010" coverage.

NBA free agency: To the horror of fans, one team can assemble an instant dynasty by just going out and buying three of the best young players in the game.
NHL free agency: A team can only assemble a team of young superstars the honorable way: by purposely tanking several seasons for high draft picks.

NBA free agency: Teams are often unable to free up roster spots by trading players thanks to the intricacies of the salary cap.
NHL free agency: Teams are often unable to free up roster spots by trading players thanks to contracts given out by John Ferguson Jr.

NBA free agency: Players and teams may begin negotiating on July 1 but can not finalize a contract until July 8, in an effort to avoid tampering.
NHL free agency: No such restrictions are needed; unfailingly honest players and teams respect the league's strict tampering rules, then agree to complicated multi-year contracts 15 minutes after free agency begins.

NBA free agency: If you're really tall, some team will pay you millions of dollars even though you never learned how to skate.
NHL free agency: Derek Boogard.

NBA free agency: Teams can exceed the salary cap by resigning their own players thanks to a rule known as the Bird exception.
NHL free agency: Teams can exceed the roster limits by building a lineup consisting entirely of defencemen thanks to a rule known as the Burke exception.

NBA free agency: "The July Moratorium" is the first week of July each year, during which teams may not sign free agents or make trades.
NHL free agency: "The July Moratorium" is Ilya Kovalchuk's new nickname.

NBA free agency: Teams can achieve temporary cap relief by sending players to a minor league organization known as the D-League.
NHL free agency: Teams can achieve temporary cap relief by sending players to a minor league organization known as the Atlanta Thrashers.

NBA free agency: A player can undo years of positive image management with one foolish appearance on ESPN.
NHL free agency: Players wisely avoid this risk by never being mentioned on ESPN, ever, for any reason.

NBA free agency: The entire proceedings are overseen by a commissioner who is dedicated to making the NBA the most popular winter sports league in the world.
NHL free agency: Same.

New ideas for Alex Ovechkin's next celebration

The debate over Alex Ovechkin's "too hot to handle" 50th goal celebration rages on. Harmless fun? Contrived nonsense? Great marketing? A blight on the game?

Lost in the all the debate was the fact that, as far as pre-planned celebrations go, this one was kind of lame. Pretending that a hockey stick was hot? Let's just say Terrell Owens probably isn't losing any sleep.

No, he didn't have much to work with. But even with little more than a hockey stick at his disposal, the most creative player in the league should have been able to come up with something better.

So, with the Capitals in town to face the Leafs on Tuesday, I humbly offer Alex a few suggestions. Here are some stick-based celebrations, inspired by his fellow NHL personalities, that I hope to see Ovechkin use the next time he scores a big goal.

The "Sidney Crosby" - Place stick on ice. Skate towards it. Once within a few feet, dramatically hurl self into the air even though stick never touched you. Watch with satisfaction as stick is given a double minor.

The "Jason Spezza" - File blade of stick down to an illegally small tip, then use that blade to make spectacularly creative drop passes to opposing team for game-losing goal. Giggle girlishly upon learning that coach has been fired.

The "Eklund" - Copy a celebration you saw on TSN and pass it off as your own.

The "Teemu Selanne" - Hold stick like a rifle, throw glove into the air, and pretend to shoot at it until it crashes lifelessly to the ground.

The "Wade Redden" - Hold stick like a rifle, throw New York Rangers salary cap situation for the next six years into the air, and pretend to shoot at it until it crashes lifelessly to the ground. Then pee on it.

The "Damien Cox" - Come up with two, maybe three different celebrations. Recycle them endlessly, changing only minor details, for several years. Wonder why nobody takes you seriously anymore.

The "Marian Hossa" - Swing stick wildly in the air, then place novelty fake eyeball on the end of the blade. Watch as the Ottawa Sun sports department refuses to acknowledge that your celebration ever happened.

The "Derek Boogaard" - Look at stick with confusion, trying to figure out which end is supposed to go on the ice and what exactly you're supposed to do with it.

The "John Tavares" - Pull out a newspaper and read the bottom of the NHL standings. Repeatedly smash stick into own temple.

The "Martin St. Louis" - Hold stick vertically over head. Standing on tippy-toes, unsuccessfully attempt to touch crossbar.

The "Daniel Alfredsson" - Break stick, then hilariously pretend to throw it into crowd. Once laughter has subsided, smile knowingly, wink at fans, then get crushed by Mark Bell so badly that you end up twitching on the ice, coughing up a misty cloud made from the powdery dust that was once your sternum.

The "Carey Price" - Use stick to swat large beach ball into net.

The "Mats Sundin" - Paint the logos of all thirty NHL teams in a circle on the ice. Place stick in the middle and twirl it, spin-the-bottle-style. Allow stick to continue spinning until everyone else completely loses interest.

The "Down Goes Brown" - Make the observation that Mats Sundin is indecisive. Use stick to beat this joke into the ground for months on end.

The "Gary Bettman" - Douse stick in gasoline and light match. As fire roars uncontrollably, fiddle.

The "Dion Phaneuf" - Pick up somebody else's stick after they've already finished using it.