Saturday, July 25, 2009

Etiquette tips for the Jason Spezza wedding

The happy couple.
The big talk in Ottawa this week has been about the Jason Spezza wedding, and the question of how the media should handle an appearance by Dany Heatley. Local media debated the delicate question of whether it was appropriate to use the occasion to ask Heatley about his trade demands.

That question is moot now, since Heatley has decided not to show up. But the wedding will still be a major social event featuring plenty of NHL personalities, and that means there will be any number of etiquette questions that attendees may need help sorting through.

I know that several DGB readers are planning to attend this weekend's ceremony. So to help avoid any embarrassment, here's a handy etiquette guide. Feel free to print it out and take it with you.

No matter how adorable he looks in his little tuxedo, DO NOT tell Cory Clouston that you're sure he'll do a great job as ring boy.

DO NOT linger and stare at Wade Redden as he hands out programs at the front door, even though it will be the first time you've seen him actually do anything in two years.

If you see a hockey player who's sobbing and crying constantly, DO NOT assume that they're overcome with the emotion of the ceremony. It could also be Sidney Crosby.

When Bryan Murray is invited up to do the traditional readings from Ephesians, Colossians and Ecclesiastes, DO put on your raincoat.

When Spezza makes his vow to remain forever faithful, DO NOT laugh when Daniel Alfredsson leans over and whispers "I guarantee it".

DO be understanding if there's confusion on the groom's side during the exchange of rings. Remember, they're Ottawa Senators -- none of them have ever seen a ring before.

When the minister delivers his sermon on the importance of honoring commitments, DO NOT interrupt him to point out that the phrase "overpaid, one-eyed, gap-toothed, cherry picking glory boy" does not actually appear in the bible.

If you see Brian Burke at the reception, DO alert security. He wasn't invited, he just automatically shows up anywhere he thinks there might be a live microphone.

DO NOT get stuck behind Kyle Wellwood in the buffet line. This isn't really etiquette, but it will prevent you from starving to death.

Occasional place setting mixups are to be expected at a crowded reception. DO NOT make a big deal out of the fact that everyone has a cup except Marian Hossa.

No matter how nice his tuxedo looks, DO NOT ask Mike Comrie which ventriloquist supply store he got it at.

If you are seated next to Mike Fisher and Carrie Underwood, DO NOT repeatedly refer to her as "the poor man's Jessica Simpson". One time is enough.

If the bride informs you that they're planning an extended honeymoon in August, DO NOT create an awkward situation by turning to Spezza and saying "Wait, won't that interfere with you attending the Canadian Olympic team training camp?"

If you run into Martin Gerber at the reception, DO NOT ask him if he enjoyed the ceremony. He's actually just there to bus tables.

If you are Eugene Melnyk, no matter how much you want to create a sense of excitement and team spirit, DO NOT hire the gladiator guy to stand next to Spezza's honeymoon bed shouting "RISE UP!"




38 comments:

  1. A friend of mine got stuck behind Wellwood at a buffet table once...
    Poor guy never saw it coming. I'll never forget him.

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  2. You forgot, Never ask Wade Redden if he could scream, "Say hello to my lil fren!"

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  3. That crazy gay spartan guy should totally read them their vows. He could write them on the inside of his shield!

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  4. Will the DGB spies be there to report on how well any of this advice was followed?

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  5. Oh man, I'm visions of seeing Murray struggle with Ecclesiastes:

    Echleshiashtes. Hehe

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  6. Is Underwood going to hit the deck if she gets caught on the wedding video?

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  7. "Rise Up!"
    Talk about performance anxiety. I've got $5 that says Spezza will disappear at the critical moment.

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  8. Well, this was just inevitable: http://www.facebook.com/groups/edit.php?gid=122133808523#/group.php?gid=122133808523
    Our own ''Kyle Wellwood is fat'' facebook group, to whoever finds this DGB label just awesome.
    A great one DGB.

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  9. On the positive side, at least Wellwood will move through the buffet line quickly. The deserts are usually all the way at the end. :)

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  10. Sorry, the full adress: http://www.facebook.com/groups/edit.php
    ?gid=122133808523#
    /group.php?gid=122133808523
    Just put all three parts together.

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  11. "DO be understanding if there's confusion on the groom's side during the exchange of rings. Remember, they're Ottawa Senators -- none of them have ever seen a ring before."

    You just made me launch Pepsi out of my nose.

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  12. Gary "Wife Stealer" LeemanJuly 26, 2009 at 1:13 AM

    Jason Spezza played for more OHL teams than Kyle Wellwood has done sit-ups in his life.

    If you run into Ray Emery, DO tip him. The Flyers and the KHL have a program where he and Roman Cechmanek clean churches for a living.

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  13. Gary "Wife Stealer" LeemanJuly 26, 2009 at 1:19 AM

    The reason this isn't taking place outdoors is because every Ottawa Senator chokes when he sees Leafs after April.

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  14. DO NOT get stuck behind Kyle Wellwood in the buffet line. This isn't really etiquette, but it will prevent you from starving to death.

    Stand in front of him and you may be facing a punishing body blow (recall the insanely accurate NHL 09 commercial). This really is a lose/lose situation.

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  15. haha, making fun of marian hossa never gets old. good stuff.

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  16. Candlesticks always make a nice gift. Maybe the Sens could find out where she's registered and maybe get a place-setting or a silverware pattern.

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  17. kidkawartha: If Spezza doesn't show up as expected, DO hang a necktie in the suite and wait for Ray Emery to show up.

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  18. @ mf37: +1 for the Bull Durham reference on a DGB comments board. Well played.

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  19. LMAO kyel wellwood jokes never get old hahaha DGB strikes again i wonder if the leafs are gonna print this oone out and read it b4 a sens game LOL

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  20. Knowing Comrie, you won't have to worry about his tux looking nice. He'll likely be wearing a v-neck and sweatpants.

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  21. Why the totally unnecessary jab at Crosby? I think the crying you hear is the 29 other teams and their fans who didn't just win the Stanley Cup this year. Jealous much? Yeah that's what I thought, get a life.

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  22. Defensive much?

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  23. Nope just tired of the lame and unoriginal jokes about Crosby.

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  24. This Anonymous guy gets around. Good thing there were no french accents in this post......

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  25. Don't give up your day job...you suck at humour...Oh BTW wellwood has already made more then you'll ever dream of seeing in one lifetime. Seems the jokes more on you my friend....

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  26. Since we're criticizing: http://www.wikihow.com/Use-Than-and-Then

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  27. OutGoesBrown(ewww)July 27, 2009 at 4:48 PM

    DGB is the best. Dont get your panties all in a knot over the crosby and wellwood jokes. Sure they are pretty old now, but they just work too well :)
    Cant wait for the season to start....i dont think I can handle surfing the net aimlessly for hockey news that just doesnt exist...

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  28. I think there is more then one "Anonymous". I'm not a Wellwood fan.

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  29. There are still people who write serious/huffy responses to this blog? Have you read these blogs before? You'll most likely end up at the butt end of a future one, and rightfully so.

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  30. Gotta love how some people are taking DGB's jokes so seriously, and telling him to 'get a life'.

    Pot, meet kettle. Read some more of the damn blog and you'll understand that it's all good natured humour(unless you've fought Wendel Clark, but let's leave it at that).

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  31. if you dont like DGB then GTFO DGB... this site is by far the best leafs coverage on the web and me and the boys at work quote it all the time i dont know a single leafs fan who doesnt love this site and quote from it all the time and say its the funniest thing they ever been on so please just keep ur CRAP to urself and gtfo this site if you dont like it

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  32. I'm a Sens fan and I thought this was hilarious (as with most of your other jabs at the Sens).

    I died laughing at the last one.

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  33. Geez relax people...talk about getting huffy and upset...

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  34. DO NOT be surprised if when the pastor says to Spezza, "You may kiss the bride" Spezza doesn't scan the crowd and Heatley doesn't start Crosbying, I mean sobbing like a little girl.

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  35. DO observe the groom disappear on the biggest scoring chance, the I-do-moment.

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