Monday, March 23, 2009

New ideas for Alex Ovechkin's next celebration

The debate over Alex Ovechkin's "too hot to handle" 50th goal celebration rages on. Harmless fun? Contrived nonsense? Great marketing? A blight on the game?

Lost in the all the debate was the fact that, as far as pre-planned celebrations go, this one was kind of lame. Pretending that a hockey stick was hot? Let's just say Terrell Owens probably isn't losing any sleep.

No, he didn't have much to work with. But even with little more than a hockey stick at his disposal, the most creative player in the league should have been able to come up with something better.

So, with the Capitals in town to face the Leafs on Tuesday, I humbly offer Alex a few suggestions. Here are some stick-based celebrations, inspired by his fellow NHL personalities, that I hope to see Ovechkin use the next time he scores a big goal.

The "Sidney Crosby" - Place stick on ice. Skate towards it. Once within a few feet, dramatically hurl self into the air even though stick never touched you. Watch with satisfaction as stick is given a double minor.

The "Jason Spezza" - File blade of stick down to an illegally small tip, then use that blade to make spectacularly creative drop passes to opposing team for game-losing goal. Giggle girlishly upon learning that coach has been fired.

The "Eklund" - Copy a celebration you saw on TSN and pass it off as your own.

The "Teemu Selanne" - Hold stick like a rifle, throw glove into the air, and pretend to shoot at it until it crashes lifelessly to the ground.

The "Wade Redden" - Hold stick like a rifle, throw New York Rangers salary cap situation for the next six years into the air, and pretend to shoot at it until it crashes lifelessly to the ground. Then pee on it.

The "Damien Cox" - Come up with two, maybe three different celebrations. Recycle them endlessly, changing only minor details, for several years. Wonder why nobody takes you seriously anymore.

The "Marian Hossa" - Swing stick wildly in the air, then place novelty fake eyeball on the end of the blade. Watch as the Ottawa Sun sports department refuses to acknowledge that your celebration ever happened.

The "Derek Boogaard" - Look at stick with confusion, trying to figure out which end is supposed to go on the ice and what exactly you're supposed to do with it.

The "John Tavares" - Pull out a newspaper and read the bottom of the NHL standings. Repeatedly smash stick into own temple.

The "Martin St. Louis" - Hold stick vertically over head. Standing on tippy-toes, unsuccessfully attempt to touch crossbar.

The "Daniel Alfredsson" - Break stick, then hilariously pretend to throw it into crowd. Once laughter has subsided, smile knowingly, wink at fans, then get crushed by Mark Bell so badly that you end up twitching on the ice, coughing up a misty cloud made from the powdery dust that was once your sternum.

The "Carey Price" - Use stick to swat large beach ball into net.

The "Mats Sundin" - Paint the logos of all thirty NHL teams in a circle on the ice. Place stick in the middle and twirl it, spin-the-bottle-style. Allow stick to continue spinning until everyone else completely loses interest.

The "Down Goes Brown" - Make the observation that Mats Sundin is indecisive. Use stick to beat this joke into the ground for months on end.

The "Gary Bettman" - Douse stick in gasoline and light match. As fire roars uncontrollably, fiddle.

The "Dion Phaneuf" - Pick up somebody else's stick after they've already finished using it.




22 comments:

  1. You don't make fun of player's girlfriends. That has no place in the game, and is very appalling. You should get a 10-day suspension from your blog.

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  2. fiddle... lmao! that's priceless!

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  3. The "Down Goes Brown" - Make the observation that Mats Sundin is indecisive. Use stick to beat this joke into the ground for months on end.

    I salute you, DGB. You are the fucking man.

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  4. "fiddle" was awesome - that spineless, smirking little leprechaun...

    The "Wendel Clark" - Drop stick on ice. Murder opposing player with bare hands.

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  5. The "Matt Stajan" - Have John Mitchell kick a soccer ball in your eye and then skate circles around the perimeter of the ice for the rest of the season.

    The "Jason Blake" - Fist Pump, Window Smash, Glass Punch, Leg-Kick, Fist Pump, Fist Pump, Stick Tounge Out At Photographers, Scowl At A Small Boy In A Leaf Jersey, Yell "Suck It!" At The Opposing Team's Bench, Yell "Suck It!" At Your Own Teammates, Windmill-High Five The Entire Bench, Then Act Like It Was No Big Deal.

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  6. I can't believe you didn't work a Wellwood joke into the "Down Goes Brown"!

    The "Carlo Colaiacovo" - drop stick, break back bending over to pick it up.

    The "Lee Stempniak" - drop stick, act befuddled as ref re-starts game while he is celebrating because no one noticed he was still on the ice.

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  7. @general borschevsky...
    Wait, was it confirmed that Mitchell was the one who kicked the ball? How did I miss that story?

    @PPP...
    Come on, do I go over to your site and ruin the jokes you guys make?

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  8. Awesome post. Love it. What about the Danny Heatly.... Get drunk, borrow stick from friend and skate really fast into the end board. Breaking friends stick in half but surviving the crash yourself

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  9. The John Mitchell: Yell "fuck you ya fuckin fucks!" at the opposing bench. Yell "fuck you ya fuckin fucks!" at your own teammates

    The Mikhail Grabovski: use stick to stab a pineapple and punch anyone who kinda looks like a Hab

    the Loser Domi: record it all on youtube and troll NHL chatrooms with it while trying to copulate with NHL players

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  10. I'm really just making an assumption. Here's the quote that makes me think it was him, though. Just change "we" to "I" and it sounds like a confession:

    "A lot of guys were playing and I think it just kind of got a little out of control," Mitchell said of Stajan's injury. "We were kind of in a small room and so maybe guys thought (there) could be a little pinball effect if we kicked it off a bench or something like that."

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  11. @Jimmy Hats
    Too soon. That one will always be too soon. RIP Dan Snyder.

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  12. That's the Teemu Selanne? Heh. I saw Alex Burrows do that in his first game this year as a tribute to Luc Bourdon.

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  13. The 'Kyle Wellwood': Cover stick liberally with gravy, and eat it.

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  14. The Howard Berger:

    Skate to Centre Ice grab a megaphone and berate the crowd for an hour about how they are suckers for paying to see you.

    Then ask the coach how come he is mailing it in.

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  15. @ Karina

    The tribute to Luke was the bow and arrow. Great to see that as they were best friends.

    On an another note....This is the best GD website I have found in a long time. Keep it up and don't change

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  16. the Jared of/from london: smother the stick with your massive PYTHONS

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  17. How about the Sean Avery?

    Toss your stick to the side and pick up a different one off the bench. Then hold a press conference and discuss how people always seem to use the same stick manufacturer as you, and make a crude sexual analogy. Get suspended.

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  18. The "Wade Belak". Score a goal. Drop your stick as if you don't know what happened.

    The "Wozniewski". Push your stick around like a snow shovel to prepare for your next NHL job.

    The "Wendel Clark". Drop your stick. Pummel the snot out of whomever it ends up pointing at.

    The "Ulf Sammuelson" Skate around the ice and use your stick to hit every knee you can find.

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  19. the "JFJ"
    promptly sign stick to long term contract, no movement clause and naturally 5 million a season

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  20. What about this one?

    The Scott Neidermayer: After scoring OT goal, throw stick into crowd and make two people catch it. Watch as the two people fight over the stick.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wjxcOrPueY

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