Saturday, April 18, 2009

An Open Letter to Kyle Wellwood

Vancouver Canucks center Kyle Wellwood was recently quoted making several disparaging comments about the Maple Leafs organization and the city of Toronto.

Wellwood makes several valid points, and is certainly entitled to his opinions. However, in the spirit of respectful dialog, Down Goes Brown would like to offer the response below.

Dear fat ass,

Put the donut down for a second. We need to talk.

Based on your recent comments, you seem to feel like you were somehow mistreated by the Leafs and their fans. And further, you seem to feel as if the success the Canucks have had this year vindicates your views.

I don't think you've got the story right. So let's take a look back at your career and see if we can't get on the same page.

You played your first full season with the Maple Leafs in 2005-06, after scouts discovered you during an intermission timbits game. In your second season, you managed an impressive 42 points in just 48 games. That's when things went bad.

After the 2007 season the Leafs gave you an off-season conditioning plan, which you claimed to follow. When you showed up at camp, your father told reporters that you'd actually taken the summer off.

Some people accused your dad of throwing you under the bus, but that wasn't fair. After all, the average bus has a wheel clearance of only 36 inches, making you too fat to fit under one.

During a disastrous 2007-08 season, you were often a healthy scratch, or at least as "healthy" as a scratch can be with vanilla frosting coursing through their arteries. You struggled to get back into the lineup, much like you struggle to get out of a deep couch.

You vowed to work harder during the 2008 season, but that promise turned out to be emptier than a carton of Haagen Dazs fifteen seconds after you've opened it. When these infamous photos surfaced, your career as a Leaf was finished.

Your comments indicate that you don't think you got a fair shake in Toronto, and you may be right. But in fairness to the Leafs, whenever they did give you a fair shake your jowls would jiggle for three straight days.

At one point it was rumored that you'd asked for a trade, the first known instance of you demanding something other than another helping of fried cheese. The Leafs did their best, but were unable to move you. Not a trade -- they physically could not get your fat carcass out of the dressing room.

So they waived you. You were claimed by the Canucks, but then they waived you too. You were being waived more often than your own pudgy hand as you try to flag down the guy pushing the desert cart. What's worse, when the Canucks waived you you went unclaimed. You were completely unwanted, like the side salad that comes with your ribeye.

To your credit you did manage to make it back into the Canucks lineup, largely because structural engineers warned that the GM Place pressbox couldn't support you. The Leafs felt that you would never reach your potential as an offensive center, and you've certainly proven them wrong. It takes a truly special playmaker to play an entire season and record single-digit assists.

Sure, your offensive output this season wouldn't even have cracked the top ten on a Leafs team that only has about three actual NHL players. But on a points-per-game basis you did wind up slightly ahead of defensive defenceman Jeff Finger. Take that, Leafs front office.

Recently you've re-invented yourself as a somewhat dependable defensive forward. Your play in the defensive zone has been admirable, in part because of your renewed focus on positioning but mostly due to you being so fat that the other team gets tired from skating around you.

You've said it was difficult playing in Toronto, whereas people in Vancouver are more appreciative of your presence. It's certainly true that you're popular with local surfers, since your gravitational pull causes the Pacific Ocean waves to come in higher. But Vancouver will turn on you too, Kyle. Just wait until the entire population of potheads look up from their bong hits long enough to realize you've eaten every bag of ketchup chips in the city.

It didn't have to be this way. All that Toronto fans ever wanted you to do was show a little bit of pride when you pulled that size XXL jersey over your head and looked down at the Maple Leafs logo trapped between your jiggling man boobs. But apparently that was too much to ask. So now you can look forward to wearing a different uniform every year for the rest of your career. And that's just if you stay in Vancouver.

So enjoy your time in the spotlight. When the Canucks make their inevitable second round exit, followed by every decent player on the team departing as a free agent during the off-season, the front office will ask you to step up and fill the void. And lord knows, if there's one thing you can do well it's fill up space.

Maybe it will all work out. Maybe some day you'll understand that being a professional athlete is a 12-month job, and that fans deserve to watch players who are committed to being in peak physical condition. Maybe then your talent will actually shine through. But it's clear that it was never going to happen in Toronto. And that's why Leaf fans don't miss you, and never will.

Besides, when your time in the NHL is over you can still try a different career, like acting. I hear they're looking for somebody to play the Pillsbury Doughboy.

(Don't worry, they can use special effects to make you look tall enough.)

Your friends,
Leafs Nation


  1. Well at least you aren't a completely typical Toronto asshole that believes that everyone in Vancouver smokes pot. Or that we even surf here (Which we don't).. Have you ever even SEEN the ocean? Or even a game that Wellwood has played? He is one of the better playmakers on the team. Oh, and did I mention that we have Mats Sundin now? Yeah, we do. You know, the ONE guy on the Maple Leafs that anyone could even name? Oh! So you DO know him... well just to let you know.. Wellwood may be overweight, but... his team is in the playoffs as a top seed in the division. The Maple Leafs must have their own shares in a golf course by now. Anyways... Thank you for your in-depth food critique and menu for tonight. You gave me a few cooking ideas for tomorrow night when I watch my team play a playoff game! Have a good one!

  2. Wow someone is a bit bitter, how about you criticize your own players and own team about making the playoff or lack thereof. When you show up to the "Second Season" then maybe you can chirp. Until then sorry you don't get a say. This is coming from neither a Leafs nor Canuck fan.

  3. Way to miss the entire point of the post, fellas. I wouldn't expect a Canucks fan to understand of course.

    Another great post, DGB, well done. Laughs throughout.

  4. So now you can look forward to wearing a different uniform every year for the rest of your career. And that's just if you stay in Vancouver.Awesome.

  5. LOL! Another classic. Add that puppy to the greatest hits. Look Vancouver fans, the bong joke was exactly that... a joke. Relax. And Wellwood brought this on himself with his recent whining. And if you Canuckle heads think you're going anywhere in the playoffs with the Leafs' sloppy seconds (2 of them! lol), I can only laugh hysterically and "fart in your general direction."

  6. I think if Jay had taken a second to read the website instead of just going off on DGB, he would have seen the part on the right where it says he is from Ottawa.
    "Wellwood may be overweight, but... his team is in the playoffs as a top seed in the division"
    Thats like defending Laraques by saying at least his team is there. WTF has he done for them? Don't get me wrong, I was a huge Wellwood fan, and good for him that he is doing well out west, but he disappears (I dont know how) for most games. He plays a few good games, then POOF gone again.
    DGB that was an instant classic. BRAVO!

  7. I guess they don't have a sense of humour in Vancouver either. This Jay character is probably an auditer...or a pot-smoking hippy. Either or.

  8. Bravo.

    What an epic and amazing post.

  9. I think we can officially lay the "Wellwood is the size of a small automobile" meme to rest now. But it's harder to do than Kyle saying no a double-cheese all-dressed extra large.



    (just kidding... Ketchup chips are fucking disgusting)

  11. BlindFolded Tank DriverApril 18, 2009 at 6:36 PM

    Awesome DGB! I await the day that Canuck fans are begging the team to dump him. It will come...sooner than they hope

  12. Ahhhhh I almost died reading this. AWESOME!

  13. Wait. Are you saying Wellwood's fat?

    Oh God, I almost can't breath from the laughter. The only thing better than reading a hilarious joke is seeing two hilarious jokes reply to the post.

    He is one of the better playmakers on the team.He had nine assists this season. As in one fewer assist than you have fingers (unless you've been holding food near Wellwood).

    To be fair Shaun Guthrie did an exceptional job of pretending that he's not a Canucks fan.

    And Arch is a terrible Canadian. Ketchup chips are amazing.

  14. I kind of still like Wellwood.Of course you do.

  15. Anyone else here that rumour that Wellwood is fat because he got the munchies after hitting the peace pipe?

    Thats not a joke.. i've heard that many times

  16. DBG I love your blog and I read it every day. But this was just mean and bitter. Wellwood is chubby at best and you make him sound like hes Fat Albert. I hated his comments too, but your post sounds very offensive.

  17. hahahahahaahahhaha

    that had me laughing out loud the whole way through

    dont worry welly, keep your chins up

  18. I own a Wellwood jersey. Sigh.

  19. well, Kyle Wellwood does seem like an interesting guy to smoke/drink up with...I'd do it, if he didn't eat all the ketchup chips.

  20. @Anonymous...

    Wellwood is chubby at best and you make him sound like hes Fat Albert.Not naming names, but there are other people I make fun of on this blog who really are obese, and you'll notice I don't make fat jokes about them. That would be mean, and cheap humor.

    But for some reason, the fact that Wellwood is actually like five pounds overweight at most makes it all funnier.

  21. DGB continues to be the best thing on the internet because he uses stuff like astrophysics to get his point across about whiny, over entitled hockey players with higher-than-average BFIs. This is definitely a top 5 all-time.

    @ Jay
    Though you get full credit for sounding off without remaining anonymous, your emo myspace pic is still hilarious.

    @ Shaun
    how about you criticize your own players and own teamThanks for dropping by, glad to see this blog is getting so popular. If you had spent 10 seconds on background research before firing up the keyboard, you probably wouldn't have typed this.

    @ Everyone offended by fat jokes

  22. Vancouverite Leafs fan here - never broken rank once in 8 years out west. It hasnt really been that tough - fair-weather, drunken-indian Canucks fans know jack shit about hockey, so it's difficult to have a decent hockey conversation unless you're friends with an Oilers/Flames supporter.

    However, this year the Canucks have probably iced the best team in franchise history - and Kyle Wellwood has been lobbing pucks into empty nets all season(after amazing passes from actually talented players). His lack of assists and invisibility for weeks at a time should be enough to alienate the Vancouver fan base - but stats mean nothing in this city - I mean, unless you're talking about how phenomenal Dan Cloutier's stats were during his (regular season) run with the Nucks.

    One thing about Vancouver fans is that they LOVE shitty players - as evidenced by their adoration of Trevor Linden - a man who wouldnt have cracked the AHL lineup of any other team in the league during his last 5 years with the Canucks. Wellwood is just the next in a long line.

    I hope they sign him to 2,000,000 over five. That would buy a LOT of Wendy's Baconators.

  23. @ C.J.: ...fair-weather, drunken-indian Canucks fans know jack shit about hockey...Stay classy, buddy.

  24. Shaun have you read any other posts on this blog? DGB has gone after Leafs in the past as have other Leafs fans. In fact Planet Boy was criticized before he left Toronto for being too fat. Am I bitter Fats left? No. I'm bitter Steve Sullivan and Brad Boyes left but Wellwood? Ha.

  25. "Am I bitter Fats left? No. I'm bitter Steve Sullivan and Brad Boyes left but Wellwood? Ha."

    Pretty much. Especially when Wellwood's replacement on the Leafs, Mikhail Grabovski, goes and gets 48 points to Wellwood's 27. And that's with the slim Belarussian going on a 30-game disappearing act down the stretch, no less.

  26. Totally ripped him a new one. But thats doin him a favour. Whats with all these Vancouver people coming on a leafs blog and whinin. Must be smokin a little bit too much. Don't show your faces hear again. And have fun trying to get some food at the next game when your beloved wellwood is in front of the line.

  27. There is a reason why everyone hates Toronto...

  28. If Vancouver can chase the greatest canuck and arguably the most electrifying player of all time Pavel Bure out of Vancouver...Well-fed is not going to last. Or maybe he will because he sucks. I guess they will just chase good players out and keep shitty ones there.


  29. "different jersey every year..." classic.

    But really, Vancouver fans? Defending Wellwood? Really? In two years (max) you'll be cheering over the same blog posts calling Big Mac out, only they'll be west coast blogs.

    Because the reality is that he SHOULD have to answer for cheap comments like that. Kyle Wellwood before complaining? Who cares, good riddance, have a nice life. After? Please. DGB was fair to him in my mind.

    Because comments like his embody the sense of entitlement that has tired all of us out. He's not just representing underachievement, he's representing the idea that he should have his bottom patted and told "good job" while doing it. Unreal.

    Upset that you were waived, Kyle? Fine. Frustrated you can't find the magic again? Understandable, it happens to a lot of players. Don't blame us. Ask yourself if you've really done everything in your power to be the best you can be.

    If the answer was yes, we'd be missing you right now, not hating your guts.

  30. Heh...I am amused.

    That said, can you really disagree with anything that he said in that interview?

  31. Wellwood read this. He played a great game last night. And good on him.

  32. Great post DGB. Canuck fans should lighten up. As should Kyle. At least the 5 extra pounds.

  33. eyebleaf, a great game? He was completely at fault for one of the Blues goals because he couldn't move his fat ass fast enough.

  34. @ Nathan; That was an insane pass from Perron and the execution of the shot was perfect. Wellwood turned his head for half a second and he got burned. It actually pisses me off that he learned to play defense all of a sudden. He actually back checks really well now. But, yes, he's still a douche-canoe.

    @shaun; Make at least the Conference finals before you start bragging

  35. Wellwood is absolutely correct.
    There's a reason why the Leafs haven't even been to the cup finals since 1967... it's because of the fans. They're the worst fans in the league and you're a prime example of that.

  36. @ LeafsSuck, you make an excellent point.

    The fans ARE the only reason the Leafs haven't made the Cup finals. In 1993, Kerry Fraser looked at the cut on Gilmour's chin and said "sorry, Dougie, but because of your fans, this has gotta be a non-call." And it's only gotten worse since then...I mean, Rask for Raycroft? What were the fans thinking?

    You name it, however you want to define fan support -- attendance, merchandise, ratings support on the road -- Leaf fans rank dead last, so a fortiori, they are the worst fans in the league.

    I do have to quibble with your name, though, LeafsSuck. They don't suck at all -- they have had Cup-worthy talent (and then some!) more often than not. Despite their excellence, though, they seem to fall short of the Cup finals...and, as you say, "there's a's because of the fans."

  37. @Woods- While that was a great pass by Perron Whalewood let Macdonald get around him with ease.

  38. That's a very funny and well-written piece, and I'm from Vancouver. The thing about the uniforms was hilarious. The funniest part however is not actually contained in "An Open Letter to Kyle Wellwood". The funniest part about it is what took place in Vancouver last night.

  39. DGB you are fucking hilarious. Vancouver Caschmucks fans, eat your hearts out. All the shit talking "top seed in the west" blablabla "our team is more than just luongo" blablabla... DGB called the Canucks exiting in the second round almost a month before it happened. MUCH kudos (although it doesn't really take a genius to see....)

    Sure rip on the fans, rip on the last time we won the cup was 1967... all very VERY original and stuff I've never heard before...... NOT. Leafs sloppy seconds (and thirds!) + the best goalie in the league arent enough to compensate for playoff underproducing twin sisters, a frenchie who suddenly forgets how to score goals after scoring 30 in the reg season, and a defense corp which still cant seem to stay healthy. See you next year boys!

  40. thats the most disqusting and rudest thing I have ever read, what a joke you are all of you , have you ever played the game in your life..? Pieces of work

  41. ^ you must be fat...

    like king kong doughnut fat.

  42. So now you can look forward to wearing a different uniform every year for the rest of your career. And that's just if you stay in Vancouver.

    You sir, owe me a new keyboard.

  43. I am a die-hard Canuck fan and I find this hilarious. Especially the jersey change part.

  44. First off. I love ketchup chips. I'm a canucks fan, and I do agree that wellwood is a under achiever. I do feel that wellwood is most likely in better shape than dgb. Just a guess. Can't disagree though on anything you've written. being that said... it does sound like jealously due to the fact the leafs suck so bad.

    go canucks go!

  45. Canucks fan here,

    If anyone spent 20 minutes looking at DGB's post and still felt a personal attack against our team, they are totally insecure, like Wellwood's belt, and very naive. I can only recollect few players (most likely leafs he grew up admiring) that he hasn't dug into yet, and Wendel; for he was the epitome of captaincy. He was everything that stood for a man, a player, and a teammate. Many have fallen victim to the wrath Sean's jokes, but that's what makes him such a great writer, his brutal honesty without truly tearing someone apart. Except JFJ, but let's face it, he can't read anyway.

    Keep it up DGB, you have fans all across the country

  46. Kyle wellwood has some of the biggest dangles in the league! hell have of the time he just skated right up the middle dodging everyone!!! and so what if he is overweight you can't even tell and it just gives him some weight to throw around!

  47. Wow, DGB, I sure hope you're wrong about this guy. My team (the Sharks) just picked him up on waivers. Last thing we need is another unmotivated fatass...