Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The NHL's top secret flow chart for handing out suspensions

The NHL's discipline policy has been in the news again lately. We've seen various incidents involving Alexander Ovechkin, Mike Richards, Curtis Glencross, Colton Orr and others, not to mention the OHL's season-long ban to Mike Liambas.

And as always, the NHL's suspension decisions have been criticized. It's the usual refrain: discipline is handed out haphazardly, almost randomly, and there doesn't seem to be any sort of consistency.

Nonsense. The criticism is unfair and unfounded. The NHL has a clear policy when it comes to suspensions, and the policy is followed faithfully. The league just hasn't decided to share it. So I'm doing it for them.

Yes, I have a copy of the NHL's discipline policy. And given recent events, I think it's only fair that hockey fans everywhere get to see it.

So here, straight from the desk of Colin Campbell himself, is the super top secret policy for handing out suspensions:


By the way, it should go without saying that this policy applies only in the regular season. There's a separate policy for the post-season, which can be found here:



There. So much for "random suspensions". Don't you all feel silly now?

Other DGB posts like this one:




93 comments:

  1. This is brilliant. I hope to one day meet you with my laptop open to this page so you can autograph my monitor in permanent marker.

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  2. i can't seem to view the first flowchart in it's entirety, part of it is cut off. something i'm doing wrong, or what?

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  3. Amazing. The regular season chart for its detail. The playoffs chart for its sheer simplicity.

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  4. Just right click and hit "view image".

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  5. Hahahaha... excellent!!!

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  6. DGB, I think you've outdone yourself! Bravo!!

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  7. I am in awe of the brilliance of this post. Years from now, I expect to find this enshrined in the hall of fame.

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  8. I don't even follow hockey, and this was amazingly awesome! Good work.

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  9. You sir, are absolutely hilarious!
    One of the extremely few sites that will bring out that insane laughter. And that´s a good thing.

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  10. You left out this: Is player an Islander? > Yes > Suspended Indefinitely.

    Was the player that was injured an Islander? > Yes > Let him off with a warning.

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  11. I thought it was a great post; then I got to the playoff flowchart. Then I died.

    Post of the year. Everyone else can just stop trying.... Dick.

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  12. Great work, way to work in a Damien Cox zinger.

    BTW, in one of his latest articles he calls for a "non-bodychecking zone". It's official, he actually does want hitting taken out of the game.

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  13. you bring the truth in a way noone can. Go DGB

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  14. "Wait was it Avery?"

    Love it. As a former L.A. resident who then moved to Philly and got to see Avery with the Rangers, then headed to TX to find out he was coming to the Stars, I've watched him do just about everything.

    Thanks for releasing this top secret info.

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  15. LOL, classic dude! found it at puck daddy and loved every second of it!

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  16. Brilliant stuff, though Donald Brashear would disagree with your playoff suspension flowchart

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  17. While I'm a little bummed a Kyle Wellwood fat joke wasn't in there I think you give the NHL too much credit here. I think the real chart is a dartboard, blindfold and bottle of Wild Turkey.

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  18. Another brilliant posting. Love the flow chart.

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  19. Can I please have my charts back?

    Signed,
    Colin

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  20. Jesus, DGB.

    Let me say again: Jesus. F*ing gold -- and strangely therapeutic.

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  21. Wonderful expose. You do a service to all hockey-viewing mankind and womankind with this.

    Nice addition to the room with the Wheel of Justice in it.

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  22. nice post. i love it when you rip Cox. you know, all things considered he might be the least annoying Toronto beat writer. its just his articles that have to do with anything physical (fights, hitting, suspensions, etc) that are unbarable

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  23. And here I am thinking Ron MacLean is the only funny guy from Canada. Oh, and Trebek.

    Seriously, this is pure gold.

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  24. Although this is hilarious, it's also sad and pathetic how completely accurate it is.
    This, more than anything else, is what makes the NHL seem so bush league to me.

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  25. Instant classic! Thanks.

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  26. And another one.
    Thoughtful, hilarious and pretty much dead on in accuracy.

    Always original.
    Lots of good sites out there but this one is tops! NO GD DOUBT!

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  27. Drop-dead brilliant! I feel like I should print this out for future reference.

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  28. Awesome!! :D It's all so clear to me now.

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  29. Hung both of those outside my office door. Brilliant.

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  30. It makes me sad there isn't some magazine in existence paying you $500 for this.

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  31. oh how i love the DGB spies...

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  32. LOVED the : ''Really? Really. Dammit Pronger'' part

    Simply brilliant.

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  33. This is legen...wait for it...dary!

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  34. This is hilarious. It kinda makes me a little be sad that it's so true though.

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  35. This image also has about 40 likes/reblogs over on tumblr right now. You're going to become head of the internet soon.

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  36. This is overflowing with win! Love it!!!

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  37. Wow. I thought the Regular Season Chart was funny, and then the Playoff one hit me. It's so true.

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  38. DBD, I don't think I'm the first to admit that I'm a little jealous of your skillz. This is great. So much for the "Wheel of Justice" or whatever flimsy former critique people had for NHL justice ...

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  39. This is pure genius. Never a truer word about the ridiculous NHL suspension policy, or about the NHL in general, ever written.

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  40. I look forward to this going up on the DGB Greatest Hits roll soon, because this was gold. Bonus points for calling out Damien for his "THINK OF THE CHILDREN!" articles.

    This oughta shut up that commenter who bemoaned your DGB series a month or so ago, that's for sure.

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  41. oh my goodness! that was hilarious! ...and informative... lol

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  42. Brilliant. If you weren't already engaged to Jonas Gustavsson, I'd ask you to marry me.

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  43. DAMMIT PRONGER.

    Classic, good job.

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  44. Downie, I'd drop the engagement to Jonas if I were you.

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  45. Hilarious. I've bookmarked this for future reference.

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  46. You are officially responsible for buying me a new laptop. The previous one is now messed with a load of Gatorade (that's the only thing I drink while viewing sports-related web stuff). 1500 $ would do it. Oh wait! I shall alexeiyashin that. So it will be 1000 $ per year for next 12 years. Thank you.

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  47. This diagram is beyond funny, amazing, and accurate. Down Goes Brown is always welcome on PuckDrop to write (with lots of love back to Down Goes Brown), join us on a video, or our upcoming live show. This is some serious funny stuff. McRedwing and I were laughing hard on the phone when I read this out. Awesome.

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  48. You forgot the division "Did he give the other guy a concussion" with a 1-5 game suspension, and the "Did he say sloppy seconds" with a 5+ game suspension.

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  49. Brilliant. It's a damn shame you don't get paid for this.

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  50. Just about the French version: the website Doug Janik Tabarnak (a satirical "tribute" to Doug Janik, who wore the Canadiens jersey for a fabulous total of two games) made a version adapted to the Quebecer context. They put your URL as credit, but their own on the image (I'll scold them for that). The Damian Cox sentence was turned to: "Did Benoît Brunet say it was the other guy's fault because he didn't protect himself?" Benoît Brunet is actually Cox's opposite, but the effect is as funny.

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  51. brilliant thought!!!
    I have some exciting offers for you from Dozen Media. If you can provide me your email ID I can explain you the complete offer. If you are interested, contact me at marketing@dozenmedia.com
    http://www.dozensports.com

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  52. Great Job. The only thing missing is the "Was a Brian Burke player involved?" = give 1/8th the suspension you normally would because Gary like him so much.

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  53. It makes so much sense to me now!

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  54. Nice Post!!!
    Brilliant thought....

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  55. I suspect the NHL will have to modify their chart soon, though -- replacing "DAMMIT, PRONGER!" with "DAMMIT, OVIE!"

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  56. This is made of awesome. And it explains the randomness of the league's officiating, or as much explanation as a random number generator can have.

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  57. DGB You Da Man man! I hope that possible job offer happens for you. Brilliance like this deserves to be financially rewarded.

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  58. Co-sign the Islanders thing. I believe, though, the proper provision would be this:

    Was the perpetrator a member of the Islanders?

    Yes --> Double the normal suspension

    No --> Why is this even on my desk?

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  59. This perfectly predicted the Maxim Lapierre suspension. It's a little bit sad honestly.

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  60. Very funny stuff. There must be a version for the refs about when to call penalties.

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  61. It's time to update your flowchart.

    "Dammit, Ovie!"

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  62. The NHL is trying to mess up your flow chat, dude. Suspending Ovechkin; not suspending Cooke and Downie.

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  63. I know everyone is going to say this about their own team, but you should include "Was it a member of the Flyers?---->automatic suspension despite the circumstances" and "Was it a member of the Penguins?------>NO suspension, even if they nearly kill a guy"

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  64. Money, DGB. Money. Thanks for the truth and the laugh!

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  65. So THAT'S why Hossa didn't get suspended.

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  66. Love it! Very very true!

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  67. Someone forgot to look at the chart when giving Shane Doan his suspension. Not that he's really a "Superstar", but he is the Captain so that should qualify.

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  68. Flow branch error... if a goon pushes a ref and it's not funny, what happens?

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  69. Good thing Chara gets 50 points a season, otherwise this would be a lifetime ban.

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  70. This is awesome all over again every time I look at it.

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  71. GREAT! I LAUGHED FOR A LOOOOOnG TIME!!

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  72. Need to update the post-season one from "1 game" to "Throw a dart".

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  73. Is it quite possible that this was passed down to the new disciplinarian? Because after 2 plus years, I still see the same patterns. Brilliant work. I can't stop laughing.

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  74. Over two years later, and this is still hilarious.

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  75. Loving it in 2012!

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  76. We shall see what happens with Webber :D Zetterberg is not dead.

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  77. You forgot the "Is he a Vancouver Canuck"? 10 games automatically + 4 because he dove.

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