Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The horrible truth behind Montreal's miracle run

Oops. My bad.
The Montreal Canadiens are on one of the most stunning playoff runs in NHL history. After beating the Penguins tonight, they've now eliminated both the #1 seed and the defending champ, not to mention both of the game's biggest stars. Nobody can figure out how this is happening.

I think I know. And I think it's something I did. Let me explain.

The background: On April 21, the Caps beat the Habs 6-3 in game four of their first round series. It was an easy win, and it gave Washington a 3-1 lead in a series that everyone agreed was over.

The next day I got an e-mail from Greg Wyshynski at Puck Daddy, asking if Bloge Salming and I would be willing to write the 2009-2010 Montreal Canadiens eulogy. I agreed, and immediately started working on a thorough curb-stomping of the Habs and their wreck of a season. Oh, it was going to be glorious. It had a joke about riots, a Carey Price joke, a slightly different joke about riots, a shoe polish joke, and a joke about riots that was the same as the first one but used slightly different words. There was a good chance that once it was published, the Canadiens franchise would simply fold from the shame.

Three games later, the Caps had been stunned and Montreal was on their way to round two.

So I shelved the eulogy. No point, right? I'd have to rewrite it, but I had plenty of time. The Habs had earned four more games. Maybe even five. So I waited until Sunday, the day after the Penguins pushed Montreal to the brink of elimination. Then I fired up the eulogy and started reworking it.

Two games later, the Penguins are done and Montreal is in the conference finals for the first time since 1993.

Do you see what's happening here? Montreal is 5-0 when I'm working on their eulogy, and 3-6 when I'm not. Somehow, some way, my unfinished eulogy is changing the course of hockey history. It's become the official good luck charm of the 2009-2010 Montreal Canadiens. And if I don't put a stop to this now, it's going to single-handedly win the Habs a Stanley Cup.

Now, I've just entered my fourth decade of being a die-hard Toronto Maple Leafs fan, so I think it goes without saying that the hockey gods hate me, and high-five each other when ever they notice I'm sad. That much is a given. But are they punishing me? Is this their twisted idea of redemption? Could I have really wielded this awesome power all along?

I don't know. And I'm really not sure what to do. Should I delete the file? Do I have to set my computer on fire? Should I keep writing, just to see what happens?

I've been burdened with an awesome responsibility, and as Wendel is my witness I do not know what to do next. Help me, DGB readers. What should I do now?

A few other thoughts on the Habs:
  • I tweeted this during the game, but the two guys who calls games for the Habs on the radio are the biggest homers I've ever heard -- and this is from somebody who grew up listening to Joe Bowen and is exposed to Dean Brown on a regular basis.

    Apparently it's Rick Moffat and Murray Wilson. And here's an actual transcript of them calling a Montreal goal: "YAAAYYYY!" These guys make Rick Jeanneret cringe.

    Look, I understand that local guys are allowed to wander off the path of strict objectivity from time to time. I'm fine with that. But is this some southern US market that desperately needs to sell the excitement of the game, or is it Montreal? Do Habs fans really go for this sort of thing? I really thought they'd be the last ones to need this sort of act.

  • Since the last time the Leafs played a playoff game, we've seen the Red Mile, the Blue Mile, the Sens Mile, the declaration of "Canucks Day" after just one round, and now downtown Montreal being shut down before every playoff game.

    So... we can all just admit now that the whole "Leaf fans are lame because they honk horns on Yonge St after playoff wins" thing was BS, right? The idea that there was something wrong with being happy that your team won in the playoffs was stupid all along, but like so many media cliches it was an easy way for dumb people to get in a few shots at Leaf fans. But the gig is up, right? We all agree that we're never going to hear about this again? OK, just making sure.

  • Speaking of my passive-aggressive persecution complex... The Habs have now won two seven-game series to advance to the conference finals. Nobody saw this coming. It's been an exhilarating and borderline ridiculous ride, the kind of thing that most hockey fans only get to experience once in a generation.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's a part of me that sincerely hopes they lose in the next round after an obvious penalty goes uncalled by a referee staring right at it, just so I can spend the next 17 years feigning confusion over why Habs fans don't just get over it.

  • Finally (with a glove tap to Jeffler), this happened. Who says Twitter isn't a valuable tool for finding out what's truly important in the world?




56 comments:

  1. What if: You made a video Eulogy with Bloge Salming? They're 5-0 while writing the eulogy, but have they won a game when your making a videulogy?

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  2. Hmmm, use these powers to write a Flyers eulogy so they can win game 7

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  3. Tell Wysh you're sorry but you can't do it. This power is not to be triffled with.

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  4. @Space Weed...

    Bloge was working on it with me.

    What I'm trying to say is this is his fault too.

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  5. You can retire the honking horns story once they retire the "threw snowballs at Santa" story from Philly. So, really... never. :/

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  6. Delete the file. Think of the children!

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  7. I'm still in shock over the whole thing.

    All I know right now is that no matter who wins the other East semi final, the Eastern final will be torturous enough to draw a complaint from Amnesty International.

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  8. You're fucked now. By telling the masses of this power the hockey gods are going to screw with you even more. Delete it? The Habs are going to win the next game 10-0. Keep on writing, they'll keep pulling things out of their asses.

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  9. @DGB

    I'll just say take Down Goes Spezza's advice and write an epic eulogy for the winner of the Bruins Flyers series and hope that it works against the Habs

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  10. From hardcore Canucks fan, bitter from 41 years of the same old thing, please please do not even think about that eulogy anymore. Forget it! It doesn't matter if you destroy it, you could so quickly write it again, I know how creative you are. You have to commit right here and now: if the Habs lose in the third round, you won't even utter the word eulogy, let alone write one. Promise... please...

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  11. Have you considered a Habs love letter?

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  12. Agree with those who say write a eulogy for the winner of the bruins/flyers, but to nuke the site from orbit (it's the only way to be sure), write eulogies for the sharks and hawks too.

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  13. yeah please just delete it man... i like ur stuff too much and if i found out your eulogy caused them to win the cup i couldn't read your blog anymore...

    just do it... god i hate the habs


    ps... yes heres hoping gomez gets highsticked by Savard in game six...

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  14. I'm sorry DGB, but it looks like you're going to have to delete the eulogy immediately. We can't have these Habs winning anymore games!

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  15. Two things:

    1) You have opened Pandora's box and the evil is free.. There is nothing you can do to reverse it. It's like going on a giant rollercoaster after eating a half dozen corndogs and downing just as many beers, then, as the cars top the first peak, your stomach does its first backflip. It's far to late to go back. Just close your eyes and wait for the ride to end.

    2) I guess it looks like cousin Kris won't be dropping by with the Cup this summer, after all.

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  16. Love the column... most of the time

    One man's horror is another's joy... Keep writing, please.

    My brother-in-law's pain is off set by the highly anticipate release of Sgt. Pepper by the Beatles sometime in June. After the bang up job by the Beach Boys' Pet Sounds, it'll be rough (I still like you guys better than the Snes).

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  17. Keep writing the Eulogy... I also have just entered my 4th century of cheering for the Leafs, and this year, the Habs winning have given me a valid reason for drinking heavily in the playoffs... usually it's because my team isn't in them, but this year, I can blame it on the the Habs... and if you can place blameon the Habs, it's a good day...

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  18. Hmmm... just seems like 4 centuries... when in fact, it's only been 4 decades... crazy, huh...

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  19. Congratulations on your new power. It's obvious that only one choice is left: publish your eulogy. It is the only way to disrupt this disturbed karmic power cycle that brought down my Caps and stomped those horrid quasi-birds. Plus, it will make the rest of us laugh.

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  20. I AM NOT REVISING THAT FUCKING VIDEO AGAIN!

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  21. Not to forget about that NBC video you did with Bloge Salming, where you stated that Montreal wins one Stanley Cup in every generation, exept this one..

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  22. I think you're putting too much blame on yourself. This is obviously Wyshynski's fault for asking you to write a eulogy while the Habs were still alive. What did he think you were going to say, NO? I respect the Habs organization too much?!

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  23. Pfft... Doug Gilmour dove... Get over it

    /Piling on

    PS Thanks for everything DGB! Maybe PK and Cammalleri will bring the cup down Yonge Street!

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  24. Write, you bastard, write! GO FLYERS!!!

    (j/k about the bastard part, love your blog!)

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  25. Delete the file jerk, for the good of all that's holy.

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  26. I have a rock.

    I got the rock in 1968.

    Would you like to buy my rock?

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  27. I grew up in Montreal, and listened to Dick Irvin on the radio call the games, who was a true professional and only needed to use the tone of his voice to show any homerism on the goal calls themselves, which worked out perfectly.

    I caught these two jokers a few times recently during the playoffs when I was in Montreal, and their homerism was actually ruining it for me as a Habs fan. How CJAD allows them to work games is beyond me. They used to have Dino Cisco, I am not sure if I am getting his name right, but he was on their broadcasts and he was very good. I wish he was still there.

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  28. Ain't your fault. I wrote a post-mortem for my own team after Game 4 of the first round, all about how disappointing the Habs season has been.

    The hockey gods aren't punishing you, they're showing me.

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  29. "Do I have to set my computer on fire?"

    Only if you're planning on visiting Montreal.

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  30. re:

    So... we can all just admit now that the whole "Leaf fans are lame because they honk horns on Yonge St after playoff wins" thing was BS, right?

    I am only 46 years old so I am not old enough to remember the Leaf fans honking their horns after a playoff win.


    btw- DGB, you have one of the best blogs in the sphere, certainly the funniest hockey blog.

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  31. Leafs fans honk horns down Yonge Street after a playoff win? Jeeze, you're right, I'd forgotten that!

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  32. The only thing that might reverse the course of things is writing a eulogy for the eulogy.

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  33. You can still use all the riot jokes. :O)

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  34. You think they're bad homers? Ever watch the French post game shows? It's "we need to this next round" and "we can shut down Crosby" etc etc

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  35. Exactly. I mean, it's not like this season has been a complete and utter disaster to Leafs fans, right? I'm sure we can handle some of this adversity. What doesn't kill us just makes us stronger!

    /walks to roof ledge

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  36. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's a part of me that sincerely hopes they lose in the next round after an obvious penalty goes uncalled by a referee staring right at it, just so I can spend the next 17 years feigning confusion over why Habs fans don't just get over it.

    Brilliant.

    As always.

    Cheers,
    Nav

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  37. I found myself very happy and also very sad that the Habs made it this far into the series. I'm a diehard Boston fan, so, hating this team as immensely as I do, I think you should post the eulogy anyway.

    You should also write a Bruins eulogy, and see if that cures the shitstorm we have going on here. :[

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  38. All the goofiness on the streets proves is that fans of Canadian teams have lost all sense of perspective, not that Leaf fans are any less lame.

    But, agreed, kill the eulogy. Hell, kill the PC you saved it on. It is a demonic thing that must be eliminated from the earth in order to safeguard us all.

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  39. Thou shalt not Bloggith upon thy Computer until the Canadiens lay blooded upon the ice thereof.

    -G-D-

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  40. A Leaf fan thinks what he writes has an effect on the outcome of a game. That sounds like the hockey knowledge of a Leaf fan.

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  41. 5/5 Bravo

    Just an fyi, DGB. If you ever write a book I would definitely buy it and most likely have sex with it.

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  42. When we know who the Habs Round 3 opponent is, start writing the eulogy for that team immediately. I'm already picking Montreal to win that series anyway!

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  43. What really fascinates me with the Canadiens is PK Subban, not because he's a talented rookie, but because of his name. In swedish slang, Subban basically means "that bitch", then add that PK can be an acronym for PC, politically correct. Yup, he's the politically correct bitch...

    also, please start working on the eulogy for the rangers, make sure write some witty comments about sathers new life time contract while you're at it... ;-)

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  44. Remember the opening scene in FFC's Dracula where Gary Oldman loses his shit on god and stabs a crucifix in the face with his sword? That sorted things out well enough.

    You should try something like that, but with a hockey stick and your computer monitor.

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  45. Thanks for writing the eulogy, DGB. Us Habs fans are deeply in your debt.

    It's true, Moffatt and Wilson are extremely partisan and abominable announcers. It's so bad it's like watching a Leafs game being called by Bob Cole and Harry Neale...

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  46. This is a really tough one. I think a scribing ceremony using the entrails of a cat is called for. Luckily enough, the Senators have a useless one for a mascot that would be just perfect.

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  47. what a waste of space, you had nothing to do with it , sounds like your just another hab hater , go write some junk about thr maple laughs

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  48. DGB, I really enjoyed this blog! It's slight different than most of your other pieces, yet provided me with the same level of laughter I've come to expect from DownGoesBrown. Excellent!

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  49. I am officially torn. Either Habs go to the finals, or Dan Carcillo does. No wait, I'm not even torn after that thought. I'd rather see the insufferable Habs fans through another decade of domination, than give Carcillo half a chance at the Cup.

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  50. Not sure it's the real reason.... but thanks!

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  51. At least they Habs have shown the truth about the Cap's and Pen's....That they are not that great after all. Plus they only have 4 French Canadian's on the team, sorry, forgot about la coach. So come on and join the bandwagon, they have crepes and gas masks for the riots.

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  52. BesterThanYesterdayMay 16, 2010 at 2:21 PM

    I say tempt the fates.

    Write the eulogy, but instead of printing it out just satirize the hell out of the Canadiens. There's just so much to draw from, even outside the facile looting barbs.

    You can start with Jacques Martin's "Boring in Montreal" stranger in a strange land shtick, to Halak's horseshoe-up-his-ass routine and who can forget Maxim Lapierre's endearing personality?

    Clearly, you shouldn't hold yourself back from tar and feathering these arrogant, bandwagoning turnips.

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  53. This is retarded! You have to ask?

    What you've been doing is "Harry Neale-ing" Hab opponents. I'll demonstrate:

    Harry Neale: And Belfour hasn't allowed a goal in 157 minutes!

    Me: Uh-oh!

    Bob Cole: The Detroit player - scores! (faking excitement because it wasn't a 'Toronto player')

    So, to "Harry Neale" something means to remark (stupidly) on a trend or streak, only to have it fall apart the moment you say anything.

    You have been Harry Neale-ing all along! Don't wuss out and merely save that document without opening it, you have to delete that mofo pronto.

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  54. Have you resurected the eulogy writing yet? Go Habs Go!

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  55. napoleon in ragsMay 24, 2010 at 10:12 AM

    Silly DBG

    You have no power here! I left the continent when the Habs were down 3-1 to the Caps and was disappointed that I would not witness their elimination. However, the Hockey Gods smiled on me and delayed their demise until I returned just a few days ago. I hold the key to the Habs (mis)fortunes, not you.

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