Thursday, April 30, 2009

Round two scouting reports

A few days ago, we took a look at the NHL's 22 losers that are sitting at home. Now let's turn our attention to the teams that are still alive, with a round two scouting report.



Washington Capitals


Strengths:
  • Are wisely keeping starting goaltender Jose Theodore extremely well-rested.
  • Have so much depth that they were somehow able to win a game seven despite absence of Donald Brashear
  • Intimidating fans are known to loudly questions opposing players' sexuality, which is pretty rich coming from guys who chant "We Want Semin".
Weakness:
  • Star player Alexander Ovechkin often spends as much as four of five minutes every period just sitting on bench, doing nothing.
How to beat them:
  • Let Ovechkin get a few goals early; hope he tires himself out celebrating.

-- vs. --


Pittsburgh Penguins


Strengths:
  • Feature a roster full of excellent young players due to strong scouting, patient coaching, and drafting first overall ten years in a row.
  • Have drawn inspiration from undisputed locker room leader, the mummified corpse of Gary Roberts.
  • In the long history of talented players to come out of Russia, Evgeni Malkin will quite possibly go down as the second best one to ever play in this series.
Weakness:
  • Extra slippery ice at Mellon Arena sometimes causes team's star players to fall down for no reason at all.
How to beat them:
  • Don't punch the crap out of Maxime Talbot, apparently.



Carolina Hurricanes


Strengths:
  • Coach Paul Maurice has referred to leadership core as "easily the most dedicated group of players I've seen in, oh, three years".
  • Enjoy unrivaled home ice advantage thanks to savvy fans who save up energy by only remembering that hockey exists once the playoffs start.
  • Is probably not mathematically impossible for them to win the Cup this year.
Weakness:
  • Are still, when you get right down to it, the Hartford Whalers.
How to beat them:
  • Employ a goalie who is not so fat that he gets winded at the very end of every close game.

-- vs. --


Boston Bruins


Strengths:
  • In recent big games, have been pretty good at remembering how many players you're allowed to have on the ice.
  • Zdeno Chara able to calmly clear puck from goalmouth scrambles without leaving bench.
  • Will be feeding off the energy of an entire state full of douchey, bandwagon-jumping sports fans who haven't had a championship to celebrate in like ten whole months
Weakness:
  • May be rusty coming off of first-round bye.
How to beat them:
  • Remind Tim Thomas that he is, in fact, Tim Thomas.



Anaheim Ducks


Strengths:
  • Roster was largely assembled by Brian Burke, who is unanimously considered the smartest man alive.
  • Disorient opponents by annoyingly playing all their home games way later than everyone else.
  • Virtually every player on roster is an experienced fighter not intimidated by violence, which will come in handy if team bus breaks down on way to arena in Detroit
Weakness:
  • It's possible that Ryan Getzlaf may have got some choking loser germs on him while fighting Joe Thornton.
How to beat them:
  • Somehow trick them into thinking it's the regular season.

-- vs. --


Detroit Red Wings


Strengths:
  • Are known for superior conditioning, which will allow players to recover more quickly from Chris Pronger cheapshots.
  • Are so solid defensively that even terrible goaltender Chris Osgood can win multiple championships for them.
  • In a pinch, some guy they drafted 200th overall last year will just emerge as a future hall-of-famer.
Weakness:
  • Might be getting bored of winning the Stanley Cup by now.
How to beat them:
  • Get to overtime of game seven. Let tiny Russian man-child do the rest.



Chicago Blackhawks


Strengths:
  • Winning percentage is significantly higher indoors than out.
  • Martin Havlat has bought into team's disciplined approach so much that he hardly ever kicks anyone in the groin any more.
  • Somehow managed to turn an old man dying of cancer into a feel-good story.
Weakness:
  • Winning game one of the Flames series 12 seconds into sudden death was a foolish waste of an opportunity to amass valuable overtime experience.
How to beat them:
  • Hold all games in a nightclub that checks ID, thus eliminating most of the Hawks best players.

-- vs. --


Vancouver Canucks


Strengths:
  • Have this guy named Sedin who is so lightning quick that he often sets himself up for one-timers.
  • Own an excellent record when scoring first, largely because their goalie gets a shutout every game.
  • Are lead by veteran Mats Sundin, for whom "winning a Stanley Cup" is unquestionably a top ten non-poker-related personal goal.
Weakness:
  • Players run slightly higher than average risk of contracting lice due to habit of pulling opponent's hair when getting ass kicked in fight.
How to beat them:
  • Hope that Roberto Luongo's wife has a baby three or four times during the series.




21 comments:

  1. Are lead by veteran Mats Sundin, for whom "winning a Stanley Cup" is unquestionably a top ten non-poker-related personal goal.
    Totally unnecessary! Let it go!!!!!1

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  2. That was a marathon post. How do you keep comin up with these. Damnnn. Heres hopin caps win against the penuins. Until the leafs get back into the playoffs, they'll be my postseason team.

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  3. Hawks will need Ms.Luongo to give birth 3-4 times to have a chance..

    These keep on getting better and better!

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  4. Any blog post that mentions how fat Martin Brodeur is becomes a classic in my book.

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  5. Funniest shit I've read in awhile. Good job.

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  6. Nice post. So very true about Ovechkin being a lazy bum just sitting on the bench doing nothing. Talk about selfish!

    I've made some "predictions" of my own for Gary Bettman's favourite series of all time, the Pens vs. the Caps:

    http://stevemccutchen.wordpress.com/2009/04/30/round-two-fight/

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  7. Dare I say that you are the Bill Simmons of hockey?

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  8. Winning game one of the Flames series 12 seconds into sudden death was a foolish waste of an opportunity to amass valuable overtime experience.Classic hockey strategy

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  9. Dare I say that you are the Bill Simmons of hockey?That's completely uncalled for. He doesn't call you the Eyebeleaf of Leaf fans does he?

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  10. You're mean, PPP. Very mean.

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  11. i have a theory that if you lit your hockey stick on fire like a torch and wave it at Chara, he'll be scared and skate away - just like fuckin' frankenstein

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  12. No Wellwood jokes? What gives?
    Has losing a tooth and an eyebrow and getting two assists given him immunity for a few days or something?

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  13. I can't stand the Canucks, mostly because of that Sundin guy

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  14. who's the blackhawk dying of cancer?

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  15. big stinking pile of awesome.

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  16. Anonymous: Bill Wirtz, the former owner who held them back for years.

    And although I understand why you don't want to punch out Maxime Talbot... damn, it's tempting. Like a piece of chocolate cake.

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  17. I don't get the "tiny Russian man-child" reference.
    Otherwise, hilarious stuff.

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  18. Crazily enough, Ericsson, the defenseman playing with Lidstrom while Rafalski is out, was the last draft pick of his year... yes, like 9th round to #2 D.

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