Monday, November 23, 2009

Alexander Ovechkin's other excuses for not lighting up the Maple Leafs

Rare photo of Ovechkin not scoringSaturday night's game didn't quite go they way hockey fans were expecting. With Alexander Ovechkin and the Caps in town to play the last-place Leafs, a blowout seemed inevitable. When it was announced that struggling Vesa Toskala would start for Toronto, even the most die-hard Leaf fans was expecting the Caps to hit double digits.

It didn't happen. Instead, Ovechkin managed a goal but was largely shutdown by the Leafs during an upset 2-1 win for the home side.

Adding to the mystery was Ovechkin's bizarre post-game excuse: that he "couldn't breathe" due to the "atmosphere" inside the ACC. Yes, he really did say that.

Well, it gets even stranger. Because as it turns out, the ACC's suffocating atmosphere was only one of several excuses Ovechkin offered for failing to light up the Leafs as expected. Apparently the local papers didn't print them all due to lack of space, but I've reproduced the full list below.

  • Had specifically requested his special "too hot to handle" sticks for the game; instead, sticks were only slightly above normal temperature.

  • Entire Caps team was thrown off when, despite the tendencies they had noted during hours of film study, Vesa Toskala occasionally moved.

  • Paid too much attention to the fans in the ACCs' lower bowl, leading him to assume the pre-game moment of silence was still going on three hours later.

  • Was initially intimidated upon learning that the Leafs had spent $24M on their defence; had mistakenly assumed it might include some good players.

  • Found it hard to concentrate after suddenly getting that "Ovechkin-Laichs-Semin" joke.

  • Didn't want to single-handedly humiliate Ron Wilson and Brian Burke with completely unstoppable and dominating performance; saving that for Olympics.

  • Would have scored more, but Jonas Gustavsson kept making sprawling glove saves from the bench.

  • Has been scared to score ever since seeing this.

  • During pre-game chat, Jason Blake assured him that first-line wingers could float through games in Toronto with absolutely no consequences.

  • Hasn't quite adjusted to the NHL's brand new "Alexander Ovechkin can't just go around slewfooting everyone" rule.

  • Had heard a rumor that if the game went to a shootout, entire Leafs roster would embarrass themselves with a ridiculously demeaning attempt at rally caps.

  • Um, pretty much the same reason Lebron James doesn't dunk on the wheelchair basketball guys.




22 comments:

  1. Ovechkin-Laichs-Semin?
    I don't get i.... ohhhhhhhhhhh!! snap!!

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  2. "Had specifically requested his special "too hot to handle" sticks for the game; instead, sticks were only slightly above normal temperature."

    Gold, pure gold.

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  3. Why would you insult wheelchair basketball players by comparing them to the Leafs? Dick move dude.

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  4. @Kyle

    That's actually a good point. Should I change it to "The Clippers"?

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  5. i had to actually SAY "Ovechkin-Laichs-Semin" out loud to get it. in my defense, i'm french, so yeah, i would give that one to ovechkin since english isn't his first language either.

    this is another DGB post i can use to get people excited about your website. i have like a top DGB list no one can resist.

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  6. "Ovechkin-Laichs-Semin" was the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Awesome, man. From one Leafs fan in Ottawa to another, THANK YOU!

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  7. "Ovechkin-Laichs-Semin"

    There's a testicular cancer joke in here somewhere.

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  8. "Um, pretty much the same reason Lebron James doesn't dunk on the wheelchair basketball guys."

    Bwahahahaha!!!

    You're going to hell, dude. See you there.

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  9. I'm not sure who should be more offended by changing it to the Clippers.

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  10. In this comment section: Kyle is the Latin word derived for "self-righteousness."

    Awesome post DGB!

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  11. "Um, pretty much the same reason Lebron James doesn't dunk on the wheelchair basketball guys"

    DGB, Why are you so full of win?

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  12. Chris Aggas - you read Kyle's comment wrong. Wheelchair athletes should be insulted by being compared to the Leafs. NOT the Leafs should be insulted by being compared to wheelchair athletes. Wheelchair athletes > Leafs. Therefore insulted. ah nevermind.

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  13. The rally buckets were not embarrassing, nor demeaning. I mean really, could they sink any lower?

    Beauchemin keeping his visor on while squaring off with Jokinen is embarrassing.

    Losing despite outshooting your opponent by 40 is embarrassing.

    Erik Cole's attempt to get even with Ian White is embarrassing.

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  14. I'm sure Leafs players will find them hilarious in hindsight when they read them from home during the playoffs,

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  15. Hey now. Don't hate on the rally helmets. They're good luck. If they thought dancing naked around a sacrificial chicken at centre ice would help before shootouts, I'm sure the leafs would give that a go too!

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  16. "Was initially intimidated upon learning that the Leafs had spent $24M on their defence; had mistakenly assumed it might include some good players."

    would you please follow me around and make comments like these regularly? except not when I'm in my sociology lecture and the Prof wonders what part of liberal feminism has me in hysterics

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  17. Ehhh... I liked the rally helmets. The image of Luke Schenn with his helmet on backwards and a hilarious goofy grin on his face actually made me glad I suffered through the 65 minutes of boring as hell sleep-inducing hockey that preceeded it.

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  18. Herr Aggas fell into the sar-chasm.

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  19. I just would like to say how awe some your site is.

    I get tires of stupid Sens and Habs fans and when I get mad I just long on here for a good laugh.

    You make my day almost everyday.

    Dennis

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