Thursday, September 13, 2012

Don't Call It A Rollback: Gary Bettman's old-school message to the NHL's players and fans

Hey, did you hear about that new NHL video game that’s just been released?

No, not that one. Please. Hockey teams actually playing hockey? That’s so 2011.

This new game is a little bit more… realistic. And unlike that other one that puts all the focus on the players, this hot new release knows who the fans really want to see.

RSS readers, click here.

I can't wait for the sequel to come out in a few years. And a few years after that. And a few years after that...

Lyrics after the jump.


Gary Said Lock You Out

Don't call it a rollback
We've planned this for years
Fans are in tears while Peter Karmonos cheers
Makin the doors slam down like a es-crow
Listen to the revenues grow
Expansion, oversaturate
Into the struggling markets that the players hate
Watch me carve HRRs
For a lockout that'll make you watch Nascar
Don't you ever learn, everyone's burned
Except my pal David Stern
Gotta make sure every owner profits fair and square
Unless it's from a revenue share

I'm gonna lock you out
Jacobs said lock you out
I'm gonna lock you out
Edwards said lock you out
I'm gonna lock you out
Leonsis said lock you out
I'm gonna lock you out
Snyder said lock you out

Don't you call this a talk with two sides
I'm gonna break these guys
I'm gonna hang this NHLPA out to dry
And I won't bat an eye
Just like 2004 they called it madness
Watch the sadness
In the eyes of the fans
As they're signing petitions
Why would I listen? Me
The Napoleon Rambo
And when I drop ultimatums get ready cuz it might go BLAW
How's Bob Goodenow?
He's working at Holy Chow
You won't win here, Mr. Fehr, we're not scared
Cause Selig doesn't work here
Buck-passing, pay-slashing
Looking like The Count, and you can hear me laughing
Owners threw millions at the UFAs
But we knew we'd get it back with the CBA

I'm gonna lock you out
Dolan said lock you out
I'm gonna lock you out
Melnyk said lock you out
I'm gonna lock you out
Katz said lock you out
I'm gonna lock you out
Illitch said lock you out

Pockets getting filled
When I send my bill, eight mil
The meanest and leanest
Owner of Phoenix
I'm a genius
I'm gonna lock them out and let you understand
That I hear the hate from the fans
When I'm holding Stanley in my hand... Scram!
Boooooooooooo!
Listen to the way you booed this dude
Payback, payback, payback, payback
Disruption, cutbacks, and layoffs
Empty arenas like the Leafs in the playoffs
Owners (What!) Owners (What!)
Who's greedy? (We're greedy!)
And now I hear the fans are mad (So sad!)
But don't be flattered, never think you matter
Cause you are screwed
And you'll come crawlin' back when it's through
We gotta thank you
The best fans in the world and P.S.
[BLEEP] YOU!

Lock them out, Gary says lock them out

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18 comments:

  1. Ok so how bout one that hits the players rather than just bettman/NHL?

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    Replies
    1. This is DGB, not Globe and Mail!

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    2. Bettman, I didn't know you read DGB!

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    3. Yeah, it could hit them hard about things like not wanting to give up 25% of their salaries that come from contracts the owners signed just so that the owners can make money with teams so mismanaged that even yearly revenue increases of 7% aren't enough to help them be profitable - why won't the players just give the owners all their money? They could play for 100k a year and live comfortably and then the poor, poor owners wouldn't have to suffer the indignity of only being millionaires when everybody knows that sports owners should be billionaires.

      Delete
  2. But 95+% of the time Dolan doesn't remember he owns the NYRs. I prefer it that way, too.

    Oh well, back to collegiate hockey, then. Bummer.

    ReplyDelete
  3. What is the song this is based on?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, I feel a thousand years old.

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    2. Sorry! N/M, found it on Youtube. I'd like for LL Cool J's mamma to meet Buttman.

      Thanks for the fun video. Now that I've seen the original, this is all the more funny

      Delete
  4. I was originally expecting this to be done to the tune of "Never going to give you up".
    "Imma gunna lock you out!"

    Betman Blasted? Gary glammed?

    Must buy the book!

    ReplyDelete
  5. So I preordered the mighty DGB book from Amazon US and of course, it's out and Amazon doesn't even have it to send. But look! An email from Amazon saying I should have it! Yay! ... on Wednesday! ... a day after my birthday. There's a Leafs' joke somewhere in there.

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  6. Sorry to be THAT Edmontonian, but it's pronounced "Kaytz"

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  7. BGD.. that is pretty good... nice work.

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  8. Love it every time the two of you get together.

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  9. Brilliant, but sadly completely true.

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