Ten reasons the Maple Leafs might fire Carlton the Bear

Hit the bricks, loser.

According to Sportsnet, which is a mainstream media organization with strict editorial standards and would therefore not be wrong about something like this, the Maple Leafs have fired Carlton the Bear. (Update: Carlton himself denies it.)

And while this news may come as a shock to some, sources tell me it's actually been in the making for some time. In fact, Carlton's employee file lists ten problems that contributed to his termination.

Thanks to my spies at the ACC, here's a full list of the reasons behind Carlton's dismissal.

• Timing made sense, since comprehensive no-movement clause given to him by John Ferguson Jr. finally expired.
  
  
• Signature "look" of a dark blue Maple Leafs jersey and no pants was widely acknowledged to have been stolen from Larry Tanenbaum.
  
  
• Lingering bitterness over that time he killed and ate Vesa Toskala's glove hand.
  
  
• Was never quite the same after his long-standing franchise raw fish eating record was shattered by Kyle Wellwood.
  
  
• Turns out it was his idea to get Alan Frew to record a song about the Leafs.
  
  
• The Blue Jays got rid of BJ Birdie in 1999, and MLSE has seen how well that worked out for them.
  
  
• Despite being a seven-foot-tall polar bear, still whimpered like a girl every time Colton Orr made eye contact.
  
  
• During course of a typical home game, repeatedly violated MLSE's strict employee policy of never intentionally interacting with any fans, ever.
  
  
• Team must respect clause in Jason Blake's contract stipulating that he always be the palest person in the organization.
  
  
• The team has only five wins all year; obviosuly someone has to be held accountable.

ESPN names Maple Leafs worst organization in the NHL

Taking a quick break from the free agency talk...

ESPN The Magazine released it's 2009 Ultimate Standings today. The idea is to rank all 122 major North American franchises based on criteria such as ticket prices, roster quality, titles won and the relationship between ownership and fans.

Based on that, I'll bet you'll never guess how the Leafs did.

Yes, the Maple Leafs finished dead last in the NHL, and 120th out of 122 teams overall (suck it, Knicks and Clippers!)

Now keep in mind, this ranking isn't meant as a measure of the quality of the team itself, and it's certainly not meant to measure the fans. Quite the opposite, actually -- the magazine says it wants to measure "how much MLB, NBA, NFL and NHL franchises give back to the fans in exchange for all the time, money and emotion the fans invest in them."

Given that criteria, it's hard to argue with the Leafs ranking. The only objection I'd have is that it's a year too late -- MLSE is finally doing the right thing by handing full control to Brian Burke. Maybe this sort of public kick in the pants will remind them to keep it out of the way.

I was interviewed by ESPN months ago for this year's rankings, and my comments appear in the Leafs profile. I had a sense from the beginning that the Leafs were going to wind up last, so this isn't a surprise.

As with all lists of this type, the end goal is mainly to inspire discussion, debate and angry ranting from fans. Let's just say there are more than a few head-scratchers. The Carolina Hurricanes as the NHL's top team? The Senators as the top team in Canada? Many will dismiss the whole thing for that reason.

Just remember: this is a black mark on Peddie, Tannenbaum and the rest of the MLSE suits. If anyone tries to tell you it's a knock on Leaf fans, tell them to go back and read it again. Or, if it's a Senators fan, to have it read to them.

Larry Tanenbaum really has no idea, does he?

Leafs co-owner Larry Tanenbaum was asked an interesting hypothetical question today: would you take a guaranteed Stanley Cup win right now if you knew it meant five years of losing immediately after?

As a practical matter it's a meaningless question, of course, since there's absolutely no way to ever guaranatee any result, least of all a Stanley Cup.

But it's still an interesting thought experiment. And of course, Tanenbaum proceeded to give an answer that was absolutely and inarguably wrong.

"If you asked us if you were to pay for a Stanley Cup team this year, but you were to be lousy for the next five years, would you do it? The answer from the ownership point of view, absolutely not. "

No, no, no! Wrong!

The Stanley Cup is the goal. From a big picture standpoint, it's the only goal. Period.

Not consistency. Not winning seasons. Not playoff wins. Not even, despite what the anti-Leafs media types have apparently decided in recent years, Finals appearances.

It's about the Cup. The rest is just noise.

"It would be an interesting survey. If someone would say we could win a Stanley Cup one year and go from first to worst and stay worst for a long period of time, would they actually take that?"

Yes, of course we would, and if you actually need that explained to you then you're even worse at this than we thought you were.

Let's look at it this way: The Leafs were very good, a realistic Stanley Cup contender, every season from 1998-2004. That's six years, including seven playoff rounds won and two trips to the conference finals, but no Cup.

If you had the chance to trade all that success for one Stanley Cup and fives years of misery, would you take it? Imagine the Leafs were really bad during that stretch, except for one year when it all came together and they won the Cup. We had a parade. They all got rings. There's a big banner that hangs form the rafters at the ACC every night.

Is anyone even having to think about this?

Ask a Senator fan if they'd trade all their President's Trophies and regular season success for one single Cup. Ask a Ranger fan if they'd like to trade that 1994 Cup (followed shortly after by almost a decade of missing the playoffs) for some consistent success.

Do these ownership types have any idea what it means to be a fan? A single clue? At all?

Again, none of this means that teams should blow their brains out to load up for a playoff run every year. That's usually a bad a strategy, and the Leafs are absolutely right to be focusing on a long rebuild right now.

But they're right to rebuild because that's the best way to win a Cup. Not the best way to be consistent or have long-term success. To win a Cup.

If Leaf ownership really can't understand that, even hypothetically, then we may be in even worse shape than we thought.

The Nightmare Team: The Front Office

Welcome to the third and final installment of the Leafs all-time nightmare squad. We've covered the forwards and the goalies and defence. Now let's meet the men who helped turn those guys into the hopeless losers they were.

What was that note I wrote on my hand?
B-e-n-c-h-m-c-c-a... ah, I'm sure it
wasn't important.

Coach

Paul Maurice (2006-08)

Why we hate him: This was a tough category. The Leafs have had exactly two good coaches since the early 80s: Pat Burns and Pat Quinn. The rest ranged from overmatched to completely hopeless.

So why pick Maurice? Because unlike the other failures, Maurice was supposed to be good. When he was hired, most agreed that the Leafs had made a wise choice. After all, Maurice was young and had already been to the finals with a surprising Hurricanes team in 2002. Unfortunately, nobody bothered to check any of the other seasons on his resume. If Paul Maurice was a singer, he'd be Nena and the 2002 Cup run would be "99 Luftballoons".

Under Maurice, the Leafs were a miserable team that missed the playoffs twice. They were the only team in the league that played a man defensive system, a scheme that Maurice insisted on sticking with even as the Leafs got shelled every night. What's worse, Maurice apparently didn't believe in concepts like accountability, as he allowed the Leafs dressing room to become a country club where whiny veterans like Bryan McCabe and Jason Blake could feel cosy and comfortable even as the losses piled up.

Redeeming qualities: Was respectful of the busy schedules of Leaf fans, ensuring they always made it home from games 30 seconds early by never calling a timeout no matter how desperately the team needed one.

Coaches who also received consideration: Nick Beverley, Doug Carpenter, Mike Murphy, Greg Gilbert

Coaches who did not receive consideration:
John Brophy - Sure, he wasn't a very good NHL coach. And yes, the players all hated him. But Brophy was batshit crazy, loved goon hockey and occasionally wore a derby behind the bench. Also, if I made fun of him he'd probably hunt me down and get Brian Curran to beat me up.

Hey John, do that hilarious impression
of every Leaf fan who had to watch
the teams you built

General Manager

John Ferguson Jr. (2004-08)

Why we hate him: If you really don't know, then allow me to say: Welcome aboard, and I hope you're enjoying your first day as a hockey fan.

Just for fun, let's list all of Ferguson's mistakes. He traded Tuuka Rask for Andrew Raycroft, he signed McCabe to the Contract That Will Not Die, he gave Jason Blake a five year deal, he traded a high pick for Yanic Perrault, he didn't ues buyouts to create cap space after the lockout, he gave no-trade clauses to everyone he ever signed including the cleaning staff, he signed Jason Allison and Alex Khavanov and Calle Johansson and an injured Eddie Belfour and ...

OK, you know what? That was a bad idea. If I try to list everything there's a good chance I'll be left with a 40,000 word post and little bloody stumps where my fingers used to be.

Let's save space and just like all the good things Ferguson did. He picked up solid third-liner Chad Kilger off waivers. He signed Tomas Kaberle to a decent contract. He managed not to get completely bent over on the Vesa Toskala trade. That's it. Three things in almost five years.

And by the way, even though he's been fired and will never work in the NHL again, it will take the Leafs another three of four years to dig out from the weight of his terrible contracts.

Redeeming qualities: Pulmonary circuit converts oxygen into cardon dioxide, which helps trees grow.

GMs who also received consideration:
Floyd Smith, Gerry McNamara, Ken Dryden any time he spoke

GMs who did not receive consideration:
Gord Stellick - If you're a fan of this blog, then I've already convinced you that Russ Courtnall for John Kordic was a good trade. On top of that, Stellick gets points for apparently being the only Harold Ballard employee who ever had the grapefruits to tell the old man to go piss up a rope. And that's pretty impressive, considering he was only 14 at the time.

Die.

President

Richard Peddie (2003-until we rise up as one and slay him)

Why we hate him: Oh lord, where to start? Despite having absolutely no experience in professional sports, Peddie insists on taking hands-on approach to running the Leafs and Raptors. He was the mastermind behind the hirings of John Ferguson and Rob Babcock, and despite his denials he's known to have meddled with roster decisions of both teams. His insistence on staying in the spotlight at all times despite clearly being clueless has made him a running joke among front office folks in two leagues.

While most exectuives would settle for simply being morons, Peddie has demonstrated impressive creativity in finding new and original ways to embarass MLSE. He humiliated Ferguson by calling his hiring a "mistake" when the GM was still employed, somehow making a debacle out of the only known instance of him being right about something. He also became a youtube celebrity thanks to his infamous ventriloquist performance at Cliff Fletcher's press conference.

Richard Peddie is an over-inflated blowhard, an empty suit without a shred of self-awareness, a thin-skinned meddler with no positive qualities beyond his ability to squeeze extra dollars into the hands of his soulless corporate masters, and the Leafs will never win anything as long as he's associated with the team.

Redeeming qualities: None.

A meeting of the Harold Ballard fan club

Owner

Harold Ballard

Why we hate him: While most of the guys mentioned on this page are guilty of being stupid, Ballard was actually evil.

Stories of his legendary greed have been well-documented. This is the guy who turned off the water taps at MLG during a heat wave, incinerated Foster Hewitt's gondola, and included his ugly dog in team photographs. After driving most of the team's star players out of town by the early 80s, Ballard ensured the team was awful every year until he finally died in 1990.

Tradition has it that once a year on Halloween he pushes aside the door to his crypt, crawls out into the moonlit night, shuffles down the side streets of Toronto eating stray kittens, and meets with Richard Peddie to give him management advice.

Redeeming qualities: Eventually died and went to hell, where Satan's minions refer to him as "kind of an asshole".

Owners and presidents who also received consideration: Larry Tannenbaum, Donald Crump, Donald Giffin, Bell Globemedia, the Ontario Teachers Pension Plan

Owners and presidents who did not receive consideration:
Steve Stavro, by default. He was pretty much the only person to ever run the Leafs who didn't have his head planted firmly in his own ass.

That concludes our celebration of the most-hated Leafs of all time. I am going to go lay down in traffic now.