What the NHL’s history of player rivalries tells us about how Tkachuk vs. Kassian could end

Tonight’s NHL schedule features one of the most anticipated matchups of the season so far, as the Oilers host the Flames. It’s an important game, one that could help decide an incredibly close Pacific Division race. But of course, that’s not why everyone is focused on it.

No, for that we can thank Matthew Tkachuk and Zack Kassian. This will be their first meeting since the Jan. 11 game in Calgary that featured several controversial hits, a one-sided fight, and more than a few postgame soundbites. It also earned Kassian a suspension, and led the hockey world to wonder: What comes next?

We didn’t have to wait long to find out, because the Oilers and Flames play twice this week, with tonight’s game followed by a rematch in Calgary on Saturday. Kassian hasn’t exactly been shy about suggesting that he’ll be looking for further payback. Tkachuk’s options are a little more complicated, but it’s fair to say that all eyes will be on both players as we wait to see what – if anything – happens when they cross paths.

So that will be the next chapter in the story. But at the risk of skipping ahead, how will it end? This is hardly the first time that two players have developed some bad blood, so we have plenty of examples of how this might go. So today, let’s dig back into the archives and try to figure out what the end game might look like here.

This can end: With a decisive moment

What happens: After months or even years of a back-and-forth, give-and-take sort of rivalry, something finally happens that tilts the scale. Maybe it’s a crushing hit or some sort of altercation, or maybe one guy just goes out there and wins the big game for his team by actually playing hockey. But either way, everyone remembers the moment, and everyone remembers who won.

Why it’s good: This is the exclamation point on the story, and while it may not end the rivalry completely, it’s pretty definitive. It happens, we all see it, and then everyone moves on.

Why it’s not: Often, “decisive” can mean that somebody gets hurt.

Historical example: Scott Stevens vs. Eric Lindros. They were natural rivals from the moment Lindros arrived in the league, two big physical alpha dogs staking out their territory as franchise players and captains of teams in the same division. They fought in Lindros’ rookie year, traded big hits, always seemed to be in each other’s faces, and competed for the title of the league’s most-feared physical presence.

We all know how it ended.

That was pretty much it for the rivalry. And in some sense, that was also it for Lindros as an elite NHL star. The devastating hit looks very different through today’s eyes than it did at the time. But whether you see it as a clean hit or a predatory headshot – or maybe, based on the rules of the day, both at the same time – it became the rivalry’s definitive moment. And its last.

This can end: With a signature fight

What happens: Enough is enough. Two guys who hate each other and who’ve spent a chunk of their careers exchanging shots on and off the ice decide to settle things the old-fashioned way. They drop the gloves, everyone else clears out, and may the best man win.

Why it’s good: Even if you hate fighting, there’s a certain old-school appeal to seeing two rivals go this route. It’s almost honorable.

Why it’s not: Depending on how you view fighting, two professional athletes settling a score with bare-knuckles fisticuffs can seem silly, if not barbaric. There’s the risk of injury. And half the time, the guy who loses will insist on a rematch, so nothing really gets settled at all.

Historical example: Scott Stevens vs. Dave Manson. Before he was battling Lindros in the Patrick Division, Stevens had an epic rivalry with Blackhawks blueliner Manson. They tangled when Stevens was in Washington, in a controversial fight that resulted in multiple suspensions for biting and eye-gouging. A year later, Stevens wound up playing for the Hawks’ top rival. It wasn’t hard to see where this was headed, and during a brawl that would be remembered as The St. Patrick’s Day Massacre, it got there.

One of the most memorable fights of the ’90s didn’t exactly smooth over the bad blood, but it served as a climax to the rivalry. And at least nobody got bitten or gouged.

>> Read the full post at The Athletic

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Grab bag: Drop the puck

In the Friday Grab Bag:
- Those Vegas pre-game ceremonies are lots of fun but maybe we could eventually start the game?
- A vitally important debate about NHL history that everyone should read
- An obscure player with a Cup-winning goal
- The week's three comedy stars
- And a look back at the NHL's first ever June game, 26 years ago today

>> Read the full post at Vice Sports

Grab Bag: Ten Commandments of Replay Review

In the Friday Grab Bag:
- In an important message for hockey fans of the future, I spell out the Ten Commandments of Adding More Replay Review
- The mysterious injury problem that's sweeping the league, just like it does every year
- An obscure player who snapped the longest goal-scoring drought ever
- The week's three comedy stars are homer-ific
- And a YouTube breakdown of the big brawl from the St. Patrick's Day Massacre. No, the other one.

>> Read the full post at Vice Sports

Five more surprising players who haven't had their numbers retired

Last time around, we covered five somewhat surprising players who've yet to have their numbers retired by the team (or teams) they'd starred with. That led to plenty of debate over who was deserving and who wasn't, and what sort of standards teams should use to determine who gets to see their number go up to the rafters.

But I also heard from plenty of fans who wanted to make the case for players that their own teams hadn't honored yet. For a few of those. I was stunned to find out that a particular franchise hadn't honored a star player years ago. I had to go and double-check that, yes, these guys are still waiting.

So today, let's go back to the well for a look at five more players whose numbers haven't been raised yet, but maybe should have been.

Peter Bondra – Washington Capitals

Bondra was the name that came up most often from readers reacting to the original post, and I'll be honest: I'd always assumed his number had already been honored. After all, surely a member of the 500-goal club who scored almost all of those with Washington would be an obvious choice.

But apparently not, because Bondra is still waiting. He certainly has the qualifications, trailing only Alex Ovechkin in franchise history in both goals and points, while also ranking second in games played. No, he never won a Stanley Cup, but neither has anyone else in Capitals history, so we won't hold that against him.

The Capitals have only retired four numbers in their 43 seasons, and it's a weird mix. There's Mike Gartner, which you'd expect given he had 700 goals in his career (although Bondra has better numbers as a Capital). There's Rod Langway, a Hall of Famer and two-time Norris winner, and that makes sense, too. There's Dale Hunter, a very good player who fans loved.

And then there's Yvon Labre, who you may not even have ever heard of. He was a defenseman who played seven seasons for the Capitals back in the bad old days when the team was awful, including two as team captain. By all accounts he's a great guy in the community and he's remained with the team in various roles over the years, but in hindsight the decision to retire his #7 back in 1981 seems like an odd one.

Clearly, the bar here has to be a little higher than just being better than Yvon Labre, but the Capitals' recent reluctance – they haven't honored anyone at all since 2008 – seems like an over-correction. There's a good case to be made for Olaf Kolzig, too, but Bondra's been waiting for years and seems like the guy who should be first in line.

>> Read the full post at The Hockey News

A guide to the ten types of HHOF snubs

The Hockey Hall of Fame welcomed four new members yesterday when Pat Quinn, Eric Lindros, Rogie Vachon and Sergei Makarov were officially inducted during a ceremony in Toronto. It’s an interesting class, one that had to wait patiently for their time to come.

That was especially true for the three players. Lindros had been eligible since 2010, Makarov since 2000, and Vachon since all the way back in 1985. All three had made regular appearances on lists of the Hall’s biggest snubs for years before they finally heard their names called.

They won’t be on those lists any more, but there will be plenty of names to take their place. Fans love to argue over Hall of Fame selections; who should make it, who shouldn’t, how long it should take, and more. And we love to take up the cause of the noble snub, the player we’re convinced should be honoured but who doesn’t quite have an airtight case.

The list of those snubs is a long one, but they tend to fall into certain recognizable categories. So let’s take a look through some of the most common, along with the players past and present who’ve fallen into them.

The guy who racked up great stats by playing forever

They’ve got the numbers. But is that because they were a great player, or because they played for 20 years? These are the guys who make lots of appearances on the all-time leaderboards, but were rarely seen at the NHL Awards show.

The poster child: Of the top 25 scorers in league history, 22 are already in the Hall, most as first-ballot selections. Jaromir Jagr and Teemu Selanne aren't eligible yet, but will go in as soon as they are. And then there's Mark Recchi, who had 1,553 career points but has already been passed over twice.

Other examples: Are we all just going to pretend that Dave Andreychuk didn't score 640 goals, then seamlessly transition into being a defensive specialist who captained a Cup winner? Just let me know, and I'll play along, but it feels like we should probably hold a vote or something.

Current player who may fall victim: Does Patrik Elias count as a current player? If not, it's a tossup between Shane Doan and Patrick Marleau.

Ray of hope: The good news is that these guys tend to make it in eventually; the Hall just seems to like to make them sweat a little. Take Dino Ciccarelli, who scored 600 goals over a 19-year career, but had to wait almost a decade before getting the call.

The career cut short by injury

This is the flip side of the first category. These guys had high peaks and probably seemed like sure-thing future Hall-of-Famers at one point. Then injuries took their toll, and now voters aren't sure what to do with them.

The poster child: Up until yesterday, it had been Lindros. Now, he's probably passed that torch to Paul Kariya, who earned postseason all-star honours five times but never made it to 1,000 games because of concussions.

Other examples: Flyer forward Tim Kerr had four-straight 50-goal seasons and seemed well on his way to building a Hall of Fame resume when injuries derailed his career at the age of 27.

Current player who may fall victim: We'll keep our fingers crossed that none of today's current stars fall into this category, although history tells us we probably won't be so lucky.

Ray of hope: While this was a packed category for a long time, the good news is that the Hall seems to be slowly but surely coming around on these guys. Pat LaFontaine and Cam Neely was among the first high-profile cases, which opened the door for Pavel Bure and Peter Forsberg, which eventually led to Lindros. Maybe Kariya is next.

>> Read the full post at Sportsnet

Grab Bag: Please don't screw around when you vote on things

In the Friday Grab Bag:
- We're doing the all-star vote joke again, aren't we?
- The NHL's weird nine-game cutoff rule for junior players
- The week's three stars of comedy
- An important apology to all of my readers
- And a YouTube clip for American fans that's about the 2007 all-star game, and not anything else.

>> Read the full post at Vice Sports

Which holdovers could make the Hockey Hall of Fame in 2016?

The Hockey Hall of Fame announced its class of 2015 yesterday, and it’s a big one. The Hall will welcome seven new members this winter: five players and two inductees in the builder’s category.

The big name is Nicklas Lidstrom, the seven-time Norris Trophy winner who’d been considered an absolute first-ballot lock since well before he retired. He’ll be joined by former teammate Sergei Fedorov, who also gets in on the first try. Fedorov wasn’t quite a slam dunk, but he was close, and certainly deserves the honor.

Two other picks will cause at least a little bit of discussion, although for very different reasons. Phil Housley finally gets the call after waiting since 2006. He’s the fourth-highest-scoring defenseman of all time and had nearly 400 points more than the next-highest-scoring blueliner who wasn’t in, but his defensive shortcomings had hurt his candidacy — he’ll be one of a very small group of HOF defensemen with a minus rating over the course of his career.

And then there’s Chris Pronger. On merit, there’s no doubt Pronger belongs in the Hall — he was arguably the best non-Lidstrom defenseman of his era, and is the only blueliner since Bobby Orr to win the MVP. He’s also technically still an active player, despite suffering a career-ending injury in 2011, and that’s where this gets messy. He’s still under contract, and was even traded just a few days ago. But the Hall had already ruled him eligible months ago, so he was going to get in.

The Hall also welcomed three other inductees: builders Bill Hay and Peter Karmanos Jr., and longtime Team USA defenseman (and gold-medal winner) Angela Ruggiero, who becomes the fourth woman honored.

The seven honorees will be inducted in November. In the meantime, it’s time to start picking through the snubs and near misses as we try to figure out who has the inside track on the class of 2016. There aren’t any especially impressive candidates coming into the pool next year, which opens up the field for some players who missed the cut this time.

Here are 10 players who were passed over this year who may have the best case for induction in 2016.

Mark Recchi

Eligible since: 2014

The numbers: 577 goals and 1,533 points over a 22-year career. He won three Cups, played in seven All-Star Games, and was a second-team All-Star once.

The case for: The 1,533-point total ranks 12th all time, and everyone else in the top 25 is either already in or will go in on the first ballot as soon as they’re eligible (Teemu Selanne and Jaromir Jagr). Offensive production has always been the key criteria for induction, so seeing a guy with Recchi’s massive career totals left out seems bizarre.

The case against: Recchi is the classic example of a player who was good for a long time but was never really considered elite. He was very good in the early ’90s, and was a consistent producer well into his forties, but he was never in the conversation for best player in the league, or even close to it.

If I had a vote: If we were picking between guys with a high peak vs. guys who were very good for a long time, I’d take the peak over longevity. But Recchi’s top years were pretty good, and there does come a point when a guy’s career numbers get so high that he has to get in. I think Recchi is right around that zone, so while I don’t mind seeing him wait a bit, he’d get my vote to go in eventually.

Bottom line: Everyone seems to assume Recchi will get in someday. Maybe next year is the year.

Dave Andreychuk

Eligible since: 2009

The numbers: 640 goals, 1,338 points, two All-Star Games.

The case for: He scored the 14th-most goals in NHL history, and every eligible player ahead of him was a slam dunk. In fact, other than Recchi, Andreychuk has over 100 more goals than any other eligible player. That’s stunning, and feels like it should be enough to get him in on its own. He’s also one of the few players to have lifted the Stanley Cup as a captain, having done so in 2004 as the veteran leader on an otherwise young Lightning team.

The case against: Along with Recchi, Andreychuk is the poster child for the “long career, big totals, good but never great” class of player. He played in an All-Star Game only twice and never got significant votes for any major award, and it’s fair to say that nobody ever dragged their kids to the rink to see Andreychuk play. He also racked up most of those goals playing in the high-flying ’80s and early ’90s (although that’s not as big a factor as you might think; on an era-adjusted basis he still ranks 18th all time).

If I had a vote: I’ve lobbied for Andreychuk’s name to be featured more prominently in the HOF discussion; that he rarely generates any sort of buzz is baffling to me. That said, I’m not sure I’d vote for him, for the same reason I wouldn’t have voted for Dino Ciccarelli and would at least hesitate on Recchi.

Bottom line: It doesn’t seem like Andreychuk will ever get in, and if that’s the case, that record of 640 goals for a non-Hall-of-Famer will probably stand forever.

>> Read the full post on Grantland

Is Marian Hossa a future Hall of Famer?

There’s a conversation about the Chicago Blackhawks that seems to repeat itself as their playoff run rolls on. It goes something like this: Somebody wonders out loud how many future Hall of Famers are on the roster. Someone else immediately rattles off the names of the team’s big three — Jonathan Toews, Patrick Kane, and Duncan Keith. And someone else points out that head coach Joel Quenneville will be an obvious choice.

Then there’s a pause, the question hangs in the air for a bit, and finally someone hesitantly adds “ … and maybe Marian Hossa?”

At 36, Hossa has spent this latest playoff run doing what Hossa does: a little bit of everything, often quietly, and usually from just outside the spotlight. Last night he had an assist on Toews’s opening goal, giving him four points in the series. With the Hawks now deploying him on a line with Toews and Patrick Sharp, he figures to be a key figure over the second half of the series.

He also makes for the subject of an interesting HOF debate. My experience has been that people say it’s a relatively easy call — they just can’t agree on the call. To some, he’s a slam dunk. To others, he’s a respected player who falls solidly into the “Hall of Very Good” but just doesn’t have the résumé to deserve more than that.

So as Hossa makes what by now has become his near-annual appearance in the Stanley Cup final, it’s fair to ask: Are we watching a future Hall of Famer? Let’s walk through the pros and cons.

The Numbers

Hossa crossed the 1,000-point mark early in the season, and with 486 goals he should get to 500 next year. Those tend to be the big milestones for HOF candidates, at least among forwards, so by crossing them Hossa guarantees himself a spot in the discussion.

But that’s about all it guarantees, because those milestones don’t carry the same weight that they once did. There are plenty of guys in the 500/1,000 club whose HOF candidacy never gained serious traction. That includes players like Pierre Turgeon (515/1,327), Pat Verbeek (522/1,063), Keith Tkachuk (538/1,065), and, for reasons that nobody has ever fully explained, Dave Andreychuk (640/1,338). Jeremy Roenick (513/1,216) hasn’t been inducted and looks like he may never be, and even Mark Recchi (577/1,533) didn’t get in on the first try, although virtually everyone agrees he will eventually. So Hossa’s number are good, but they’re well short of making him any kind of a sure thing.

Of course, unlike all those guys mentioned above, Hossa played his entire career in the dead puck era. But even on an era-adjusted basis, he’s still trailing Roenick and Turgeon, and he’s miles behind Andreychuk and Recchi.

On the other hand, all those numbers are for the regular season only — mix in his 143 career playoff points, second only to Jaromir Jagr among active players, and Hossa gets a boost.

The Honors

This may be the strongest argument for the “good but not great” side of the debate. Hossa has never won a major award and was a finalist only once (for the Calder as Rookie of the Year in 1999; he came in second to Chris Drury). He has one postseason All-Star selection, making the second team in 2009. And that’s pretty much it. His best finish in Hart Trophy voting for MVP was 10th; his only other top-five finishes for any award came for the Lady Byng in 2003 and the Selke last year.

He did appear in five All-Star Games, which isn’t bad in a league where that game is often wiped out by lockouts and Olympics. But the lack of any significant hardware, or even all that many near misses, paints a picture of a very good player who was never in the conversation as being among the league’s best.

>> Read the full post on Grantland

A look at the top candidates for today's Hockey Hall of Fame announcement

After J.R. said "See you at the 2013 induction!",
Scott held his "Is he serious?" face for 45 minutes.

Today's the day when the Hockey Hall of Fame will introduce us to the Class of 2013.

The Hall's 18-member committee will hold its annual meeting today in Toronto, where they'll be tasked with weighing the pros and cons of the various players, coaches and builders who are eligible for induction. After a series of confidential votes, the committee will announced their selections.

Here's a look at some of the top candidates for induction in the Class of 2013.

Chris Chelios - Is expected to be enshrined alongside Bobby Orr and Doug Harvey and Eddie Shore and other legendary defensemen who grew up idolizing him.

Scott Niedermayer - Is a slam dunk for induction, and will hopefully attend the ceremony if he can take time out of his busy schedule of wandering around Ottawa screaming "I told you so!" at sobbing fans in Daniel Alfredsson jerseys.

Rob Blake - Was a Norris Trophy winner and a Stanley Cup champion and an Olympic gold medalist and a six-time NHL all-star, and also appears briefly in The Love Guru so that's going to have to be a "no".

Brendan Shanahan - Didn't make the cut last year, and can't even begin to tell you how frustrating it is to be a victim of a ridiculous decision from some arbitrary process that nobody even fully understands and isn't even accountable to… um, why is everyone staring at him right now?

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A look at the 2012 Hall of Fame candidates

The Hockey Hall of Fame's selection committee is scheduled to hold its annual meeting this Tuesday in Toronto. By the end of the day, the committee is expected to formally announce who it will induct as part of the Class of 2012.

It won't be an easy job. This year's list of possible inductees is one of the strongest ever, featuring an excellent crop of newly eligible stars and several strong candidates who've fallen just short in recent years. With a limited number of spots available each year, there's no doubt that some deserving candidates will be snubbed.

Here's a look at some of the names that the selection committee will be considering this year.

Jeremy Roenick - Recently made an extremely eloquent and impressive case for his induction to the members of the selection committee, and was disappointed at the end when they all took their Stanley Cup rings out of their ears and said "sorry, what?"

Mats Sundin - Leaf fans are eager to see him take his place in the Great Hall, partly due to his accomplishments and career statistics but mostly because they just want a chance to see him surrounded by some decent wingers for once.

Markus Naslund - No player who was primarily known as a Vancouver Canuck has ever been inducted into the Hall of Fame but Naslund has a chance to finally change that, assuming he spends some time emailing the selection committee YouTube videos of how awesome Pavel Bure was.

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The other former star players interviewed for Colin Campbell's job

My very own copy of the flowchart? Awesome!

The NHL surprised fans on Wednesday when they announced that controversial disciplinarian Colin Campbell would resign his post and be replaced by Brendan Shanahan.

Shanahan is a natural choice for the job, but sources tell me he wasn't the only candidate. It turns out that several other star players from Shanahan's era were interviewed, and I've managed to obtain a top secret transcript of the proceedings.

Scene: Gary Bettman's office.

Gary Bettman: Well Brendan, that wraps up the interview. And I think Colin and I can agree that you completely nailed it.

Brendan Shanahan: Hey, thanks guys.

Colin Campbell: You're a perfect fit for this job. But before we can make it official, we do have some other candidates to interview.

Bettman: Yeah, you know how it is. We need to make sure everyone gets a chance to speak with us. After all, you're not the only former NHL star who might be interested in the job.

Shanahan: Oh. OK, I guess that makes sense.

Bettman: Great, thanks for understanding. (Into phone intercom): Send in Jeremy Roenick.

Female voice on intercom: Right away, sir.

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A brief history of NHL playoff goats

The Maple Leafs react to the announcement
of that night's starting goalies

The second round of the playoffs has already brought its share of surprises. And while that has some fans looking forward to the conference final matchups, others are dealing with bitter disappointment.

Many in Philadelphia are pointing fingers at the team's trio of underperforming goaltenders. Capital fans watched so-called superstars like Nicklas Backstrom and Alexander Semin disappear for much of the team's shocking sweep at the hands of the Lightning. And despite his team still leading the series, struggling Sharks' star Patrick Marleau has been labelled "gutless" by former teammate Jeremy Roenick.

Of course, assigning blame after a tough loss is nothing new, and the NHL has a long history of fitting players for goat horns. When the pressure is at its highest, it doesn't take much -- one bad game, one mistake, one momentary lapse can be all it takes to change a reputation forever.

Let's take a walk through the history books and spare a moment to mourn some of those in the hockey world who may never live down their moment of postseason shame.

April 21, 2003 - Philadelphia goalie Roman Cechmanek gives up an embarrassing goal while struggling to retrieve his trapper, leading the Flyers to vow to never again employ a goalie with a functioning glove hand.

June 7, 1994 - Pavel Bure fails to score against the Rangers on a critical penalty shot in the Stanley Cup finals, partly due to a great reaction by Mike Richter but mostly because Gary Bettman had snuck onto the ice and flipped the net over.

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Other NHL superstars who wound up in the doghouse

The press box is way up there, huh?

After dominating headlines during the offseason, Ilya Kovalchuk was back in the news over the weekend. In a shocking move, rookie Devils' coach John MacLean made his $100 million winger a healthy scratch for the team's game against the Sabres.

The move has been debated heavily in recent days, with many observers questioning the strategy's effectiveness. General manager Lou Lamoriello has offered his support for MacLean's decision, although he refused to say whether he'd consider a similar move next week once he's head coach.

But while Kovalchuk may be the highest paid healthy scratch of all-time, he's far from the first elite player to be singled out by management. Below are a few examples of other NHL superstars who found themselves in their team's doghouse at some point in their careers.

January, 1996 - In an effort to get him to take on more of a leadership role, Bruins head coach Steve Kasper humiliates Cam Neely by benching him during a nationally televised game. To his credit, Neely responds positively the very next day by delivering a moving eulogy at the funeral of Steve Kasper.

March, 1998 - Canucks coach Mike Keenan calls captain Mark Messier into his office to explain that, while the league's policy on gambling may be open to interpretation, he still needs to stop constantly trying to bet his teammates that they can't eat just one.

January, 2004 - Enraged by Jason Spezza's inability to adhere to his defensive system, Jacques Martin is quickly restrained by his assistants after briefly displaying a facial expression.

February, 2009 - After becoming upset that his team isn't listening to him in practice, Mike Babcock's attempt at sarcasm fails when the team responds to his taunt of "maybe you all need to turn up your hearing aids" by agreeing that that's a pretty good idea and turning up their hearing aids.

December, 1987 - After chewing out franchise player Wayne Gretzky during a practice, Oilers' coach Glen Sather is accused by local media of doing the dumbest thing he could possibly do. He immediately vows to spend the rest of his managerial career proving them wrong.

January, 2006 - Penguins coach Michel Therrien grows frustrated when star player Mario Lemieux repeatedly responds to criticism by saying "Hey, good point, maybe you should call up the owner and let him know."

March, 1993 - Pat Burns shows that he doesn't play favourites when he briefly removes a slumping Doug Gilmour from the team's first line, although Gilmour does remain on the second, third, and fourth lines, both power play units, and the penalty kill.

September, 2010 - Outraged by his off-ice behaviour, Edmonton Oiler management informs a devastated Nikolai Khabibulin that effective immediately he will be forced to be their starting goaltender.

April, 1988 - Tired of his young franchise player's constant complaints about the quality of the roster, Red Wings general manager Jim Devellano angrily informs Steve Yzerman that being an NHL general manager isn't easy since it's not like other teams just call up and offer you star players for nothing.

July, 1995 - In an effort to "send a message" to the rest of the team, you briefly demote Jeremy Roenick from the first line during a game of NHL 95 even though it makes your big brother call you a spaz while punching you in the shoulder.

October, 2010 - The Islanders attempts to emulate the Devils by scratching their highest paid player prove fruitless when they are unable to figure out how to bench Alexei Yashin's buyout.

December, 1995 - In a strong statement that still resonates to this day, the Montreal Canadiens make it clear to Patrick Roy that the franchise will simply not tolerate championship-calibre goaltending.

Tips for your day with the Stanley Cup

So far, Stanley hasn't called him back.

As the offseason winds on, most of the hockey world is focused on the negative. But while the ongoing Kovalchuk debacle and ominous signs of renewed labour strife dominate the headlines, one of the sport’s most positive annual traditions is well underway and could be coming to a town near you.

Over the course of the summer, each member of the champion Chicago Blackhawks is enjoying their “day with the Cup”, leading the trophy through a tour of small towns, big cities, and community barbeques. Each stop along the way is a feel-good story, as fans young and old are given a rare chance to spend time with the greatest trophy in all of sports.

But while each player is given free reign to determine how to spend their day with the Cup, the league does provide some guidance. Every year, each player receives a printed memo from the NHL head office with a few tips to help things run smoothly.

Most fans never get to see that top secret memo. That's about to change, since I just happen to have come into possession of a copy which I’ve reproduced below.

* * *

Dear miscellaneous NHL player,

Congratulations on winning the Stanley Cup! As per hockey tradition, you are now entitled to spend one full day with the trophy in a location of your choice.

Before you plan your big day, however, the National Hockey League would like to offer several suggestions which could help make your time more enjoyable.

• Consider having several small cards printed up that explain that the Stanley Cup is a trophy awarded to the NHL champion at the end of every season. This will save you from having to constantly stop and explain everything to lifelong Vancouver Canuck fans who have never seen it before.
  
  
• You’re likely to meet fans who will want to take photos of their children or grandchildren sitting in the bowl of the Cup. For reference, the Cup can safely hold the weight of one large toddler, two small babies, or three Montreal Canadiens forwards.
  
  
• The Stanley Cup is notable for its tradition of recording past champions by etching their names onto the sides of the trophy. Given how easily the Cup can be scratched or dented, please respect the league’s history by only dropping it so that it lands on forgotten teams the 2004 Tampa Bay Lightning or 2006 Carolina Hurricanes.
  
  
• When describing your Cup win as “easily the greatest moment of my entire life”, be sure to awkwardly add “um, obviously other than my wedding day” if you think your wife may be listening.
  
  
• The Stanley Cup is 117 years old. If you decide to spend your day at Denny’s, save money by ordering its meal off the senior’s menu.
  
  
• If you happen to meet an Ottawa Senators fan, he will inevitably want to tell you about all the Stanley Cups his team won a hundred years ago. As a representative of the National Hockey League, please do your best to listen to him politely for at least three full minutes before pulling the nearest fire alarm.
  
  
• Remember that the Cup is made entirely of metal, and is therefore prone to rust if exposed to excessive moisture. Please keep it away from Jeremy Roenick, in case he gets a glimpse of it and starts bawling like coliccy baby again.
  
  
• Please keep in mind that the Cup has been handled by literally thousands of players and fans over the years. Consider giving it a quick wipe with a paper towel before letting your newborn drink formula out of it.
  
  
• Impress your friends by pointing out that the engravings on the Stanley Cup include several typos and other errors. For example, in 1975 Bob Gainey’s name is misspelled as “Gainy”. In 1981, the New York Islanders are misspelled as “Ilanders”. And in 1999, the Buffalo Sabres are misspelled as “the Dallas Stars”.
  
  
• Occasionally, a young child may ask you why the trophy doesn’t list a champion for the 2004-05 season. This is a complicated subject, so the best way to answer this question is to ask the child to hand you their allowance, use it to light an expensive cigar, and then blow smoke rings in their face while pointing at them and laughing.
  
  
• Finally, for members of the 2010 Chicago Blackhawks: Be sure to block off some time in your schedule for Stan Bowman to call and tell you which team you’ve been traded to.
  

Behind the scenes at the Team USA Olympic orientation camp

Team USA kicked off its Olympic orientation camp today in Woodridge, Ill. While the day included a practice that was open to the public, the first event was a private meeting between players and team management.

DGB spies were in attendance, and were able to obtain this top secret transcript of that meeting.

(Coach Ron Wilson blows a whistle and 35 players take a knee at center ice. Team USA General Manager Brian Burke steps forward to address the team.)

Brian Burke: I want to thank everyone for coming to our orientation camp. I'm just going to say a few quick words before I turn you over to Coach Wilson here. I want you all to know that it's an honor to be here today. We spent a lot of time deciding which players to invite, and you're here because we felt you were among the very best players that America has to... um... I'm sorry. What are you doing here?

Jeremy Roenick: Hi guys!

Burke: Jeremy, we've been over this. You're not on the invite list.

Roenick: I just assumed that was an oversight.

Burke: You retired two weeks ago.

Roenick: Sure, but I figured I could still help out. You know, be a mentor to the younger guys, maybe get a little PP duty here and there. Definitely handle the post-game interviews, that kind of thing.

Burke: ...

Roenick: Please help me. If I'm not on TV for three straight days, I get the shakes.

Burke: Jeremy, no offence, but you're part of the old guard. The last thing Team USA needs is some pathetic relic from Nagano clogging up the roster.

Mike Modano: Um...

Burke: I mean sure, if you hadn't retired we'd probably have given you an invite. But that would have just been out of pity. Behind your back, we'd all have been laughing at you.

Modano: Seriously, does he know I can hear him?

Roenick: Please coach, there must be something you can do.

Burke: Sigh... OK, I'm sure we can work something out. Hey Mike, would you please take Jeremy out back and give him that special Team USA welcome we talked about?

Mike Komisarek: Sure thing, boss.

(Komisarek and Roenick skate off the ice together.)

Burke: They'll just be a minute.

(A loud gunshot can be heard in the background.)

Burke (under his breath): Truculence.

Komisarek (returning to the ice): He changed his mind, boss.

Burke: That's a shame. Anyways, here's Coach Wilson to say a few words.

Ron Wilson: Listen up, team. From this point forward, you are part of the ultimate competition in all of hockey. As a team, we need to be focused every single day. So Brian and I have put together an official team banner. Every day when you come to the rink, you'll see it hanging to remind you of what we're playing for.

Entire team: Yeah!

Wilson: One team! One goal! One ultimate prize!

Entire team: YEAH!

Wilson: Brian, unveil the banner!

(Brian Burke unveils a banner with the Olympic rings, the Team USA logo, and the words "GO FOR THE BRONZE")

Entire team: ...

Chris Drury: Um... coach?

Wilson: Yes Chris?

Drury: Shouldn't that say "Go for the gold"?

Wilson: Gold? Are you insane? Have you seen the Canadian and Russian rosters?

Drury: ...

Wilson: Hey Brian, he thinks we can win gold!

Burke: Aw... that is adorable!

Wilson (exaggerated Canadian accent): Oh boy, eh, I hope Roberto Luongo doesn't get lit up by Ryan Callahan and Joe Pavelski!

Burke (exaggerated Russian accent): And surely comrade, our Malkin/Ovechkin/Kovalchuk line will be no match for the shutdown pairing of Brooks Orpik and Paul Martin!

Wilson: HA HA HA!

Burke: HA HA HA!

Entire team: ...

Wilson: Seriously though, you guys are going to get slaughtered.

Burke: Annihilated.

Wilson: I mean, has anyone here ever even heard of Tom Gilbert?

Scott Gomez: Not me.

Brian Rafalski: Me neither.

Tom Gilbert: Me neither.

Wilson: To be honest, we were kind of humoring you with the whole "bronze" thing.

Burke: One final note. As you know, 23 players will make up the final Team USA roster. But if you don't make the team, remember, we still have space for three players on the taxi squad.

Phil Kessel: You mean the three guys that will take part in practice, watch from the pressbox, and be available in case of injury?

Burke: No. I mean the three guys who will be responsible for making sure Patrick Kane doesn't suckerpunch any more senior citizens.

Patrick Kane: That took a lot longer than I thought.

Entire team: (Nodding.)

(Burke sees somebody skating over to the group out of the corner of his eye.)

Burke: Oh lord... What are you doing here?

Dany Heatley: Hi guys!

Burke: Dany, I already talked to your agents about this. You don't play for Team USA.

Heatley: But I want to.

Burke: But you can't.

Heatley: But I want to.

Komisarek: Just say the word, boss.

Burke: Not yet. Look, Dany, what's the problem here? Why don't you want to play for Team Canada?

Heatley: I have my reasons. And to be honest, I don't think I have any obligation to share them. I understand the curiosity, but just like my situation with the Senators, there has to be a certain right to privacy. As a seven-year veteran I think I've earned at least that much. And any sort of unfounded speculation and gossip about my situation is wrong and, frankly, irresponsible.

Burke: You make a fair point.

Heatley: By the way, did any of you guys bring your fiances on the trip?

Entire team: NO!

The NHL's secret plan to regain its popularity

Gary Bettman predicts the Phoenix
Coyotes' 2009-10 season ticket sales.

The NHL received some harsh news last week, with the release of a study that declared that interest in the NHL is dropping in Canada. Combined with the well-documented struggles of many American teams and a worsening economy, it would appear that the league is facing a potential crisis.

Luckily, NHL leadership is aware of the problem and has enacted several initiatives to face the issue. I've obtained a top secret NHL memo which outlines 15 strategies the league will be implementing to regain its popularity.

• Kill off formerly popular "wacky neighbor" character played by Jeremy Roenick.
  
  
• Reconsider plan to have entire 2009-10 marketing campaign managed by Dany Heatley's agents.
  
  
• Effective immediately, Alexander Ovechkin plays for all 30 teams.
  
  
• Make sure any league decision is in the best interest of the fans by constantly asking "What would the Toronto Blue Jays do in this situation?", then doing the exact opposite.
  
  
• The next time NBC executives ask the league to play a crucial playoff game outside of prime time, Gary Bettman will look them straight in the eye and say "no" before immediately assuring them he was kidding, refilling their coffee cup, and scheduling the game for 3:00 a.m.
  
  
• Encourage financial responsibility among star players by reminding them to insist on receiving their full change after cab rides.
  
  
• Offer a boost to struggling franchises in Tampa Bay and Florida by having them play each other in this year's Winter Classic in Miami.
  
  
• Encourage US fans to attend regular season games in person instead of watching them for free on TV by making sure the games are broadcast on a third-rate network nobody has ever heard of.
  
  
• In the Western Conference, I don't know, maybe try letting somebody other than the Red Wings be good every now and then?
  
  
• To better attract southern US fans, zambonis will now travel 190 mph, only turn left, and occasionally crash into the end boards and explode.
  
  
• Have Gary Bettman give one of his "everything is going great" press conferences. Those always work.
  
  
• Continue taking the advice of marketing consultants by changing uniform designs, swapping home/away colors, and encouraging teams to come up with new third jerseys every year. Because nothing builds fan loyalty like a fun game of "wait, which one of these teams am I supposed to be cheering for?"
  
  
• Goaltenders must now twitter during shootout attempts.
  
  
• In order to encourage success in the crucial New York market, pass a new rule forcing less-important teams to take on the Rangers' bad contracts via horrible trades (rule already enacted).
  
  
• At all costs, avoid moving any teams into Canada's declining market, and instead keep them in places like Phoenix where hockey's popularity hasn't changed in 100 years.

April Fools - NHL style

Today is April Fools day. We know hockey players love a good laugh, so in the spirit of the occasion I've prepared some suggested practical jokes that various Leafs and other NHLers can play today. No need to thank me, boys, it's my gift to you.

Kyle Wellwood - Between periods, don Timbits jersey and sneak into intermission youth hockey game. Attempt to throw first bodycheck of career. Fail.

Sean Avery - Just for today, use funny smiley faces instead of zeroes on all personal cheques written to prostitutes.

Ray Emery - Perform entire post-game interview with powdered donut on upper lip. Keep asking increasingly uncomfortable Ottawa media what they're looking at.

Mats Sundin - Call Cliff Fletcher. Explain that, on second thought, you will accept a trade if it's not too late. Hang up. Giggle.

Phoenix Coyotes - Repeatedly ask assistant coach Rick Tocchet how his March Madness bracket is looking.

Pierre McGuire - Spend day making and distributing photocopies of "McGuire's Monster".

Paul Maurice - Tell Andrew Raycroft he gets to play tonight. Watch how excited he gets. Look, he's even putting on his equipment and everything!

Alexander Ovechkin - On first shift of the game, intentionally hit both posts to give goalie fleeting sense of hope before immediately scoring on rebound.

Jeremy Roenick - Nothing. His focus is on winning, not cheap antics that serve no purpose other than calling attention to himself.

Peter Forsberg - Play hilarious joke on referee by falling down immediately every time you're touched.

Brian Campbell - When asked if you prefer living in San Jose to Buffalo, pretend to have to think about it for a few seconds.

Carlo Colaiacovo - When asked "How are you?", reply "Fine".

Dominek Hasek - Spend entire day speaking weird moon-man language that nobody can understand.

George Parros - Wear ridiculous novelty moustache over top of ridiculous real moustache.

Edmonton Oilers - Print playoff tickets.

Oli Jokinnen - Leave note in Richard Zednik's locker reading "Next time, I finish the job".

Jason Spezza and Dany Heatley - Play hard on opening shift tonight. Go into corners. Fight through traffic. Earn paychecks. Get back to bench, turn to fans, and say "no, just kidding".

Bryan McCabe - Briefly defy direct order from wife. Immediately apologize and assure her it will not happen again.